Hilarious Monica Conyers Could Be Indicted Today, DEMANDS People Pray For Her

by Jim Newell

Unbelievably batshit Detroit City Council member Monica Conyers, comparatively young wife of old Congressman John Conyers, may finally go to jail for being an insane, violent criminal. She “has received a pre-indictment letter from federal authorities who have given her until the end of today to reach a plea deal or they will proceed with possible criminal charges against her.” Conyers is famous for threatening people with guns, getting into a shouting match with the Council president — while in session — during which she called him “Shrek,” getting into another shouting match with another Council member during which she “made fun of his hearing, his lack of college degree and started rumors that he has cancer,” and most importantly, in one of the best YouTubes your editor can recall, losing a debate to an 8th grader and getting pissy about it. Will you pray for her today?

Conyers has a weekly television show in Detroit (that poor city, can’t catch a break) and used it this week to speak from her cold, poison heart. She told her viewers very sweetly and gracefully that THEY BETTER FUCKING PRAY FOR HER OR THEY CAN FUCK OFF AND DIE.

“I just want to say that first and foremost publicly that I am a child of God,” she said. “And that all these things that are going on right now that I believe in my heart that God will deliver me from them. And so I say to all of the people out there if you’re not praying for me, then you’re just adding to the problem. And I would just respectfully ask that you keep your comments to yourselves and if you’re going to speak about someone, speak the truth. If you don’t have the truth to say, then keep your comments to yourself. You can’t comment on me, my husband or my family because you don’t know us. And for those of you who do know us, you know how to speak appropriately about us. And so I just say for all of you who have kept me in your prayers, who continue to lift me up in Jesus’ name every day, I just want to say thank you.”

Whatever you say, violent lady version of Richard Nixon.

Thanks to Wonkette’s “Ha ha your hockey team lost” Detroit operative “Woodwards Friend” for the tip.

Monica Conyers faces deadline for plea deal [Detroit Free Press]

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NoWireHangers June 16, 2009 at 5:52 pm

We did “pray” for you Monica. God obviously hates you.

OzoneTom June 16, 2009 at 5:52 pm

I pray that she has to share a cell with Rod Blagoyovich.

They could put that on the teevee and it would beat American Idol!

pedestrian rage June 16, 2009 at 5:53 pm

Count me in as adding to the problem!

Alternatively, is it wrong to pray that the 6th grader turns up in again in council chambers bearing a can of whoop ass?

ph7 June 16, 2009 at 5:54 pm

I didn’t know you could be indicted for being John Ensign’s mistress.

SayItWithWookies June 16, 2009 at 5:55 pm

And so I say to all of the people out there if you’re not praying for me, then you’re just adding to the problem.

Really. Well, honey, I wouldn’t piss a prayer on you if you were on fire.

chascates June 16, 2009 at 5:55 pm

Among Detroit’s many problems its politicians are near the top.

facehead June 16, 2009 at 5:56 pm

This is what democracy looks like (when reflected off a broken mirror under a dark light while you’re high on robitussin).

Tommmcatt June 16, 2009 at 5:57 pm

Oh, but we can comment, Ms. Conyers, we can comment indeed…

Min June 16, 2009 at 5:57 pm

Just remember, Monica, occasionally God answers a prayer by saying, “Oh, hell, no.”

ManchuCandidate June 16, 2009 at 5:58 pm

Child of God? I dunno. I thought that public corruption wasn’t exactly high on God’s list of graces, but if it can work for Televangelists then ugogurl!

DangerousLiberal June 16, 2009 at 5:58 pm

Child of God? Spelled S-A-T-A-N? Much clearer now. kthxbye

magic titty June 16, 2009 at 6:00 pm

Oh those blacks.

ph7 June 16, 2009 at 6:03 pm

Jesus, not patriotism, appears to be the last refuge to which a scoundrel clings.

Hedley Lamar June 16, 2009 at 6:06 pm

It’s gonna be a fun perp walk to watch.

pedestrian rage June 16, 2009 at 6:06 pm

“oh mighty Isis, oh mighty Isis, deliver your invisible lasso of righteous wrath around the ankles of federal marshals carrying indictments, so that they might fall upon the impudent ankle-biters who have the audacity to outwit me in public.”

paintitblack June 16, 2009 at 6:07 pm

It’s always the way… do somethin bay-yad, and then run around sayin’ how high on Jeebus ya are, and then that’s ‘sposed to settle everything. But hey! That usually works for batshit crazed repuglictards, so why shouldn’t a batshit violent dimocrat try it on for size?

thefrontpage June 16, 2009 at 6:09 pm

Monica Conyers, meet Sarah Palin.

Sarah Palin, meet Monica Conyers.

David Letterman, say hello to Monica Conyers!

S.Luggo June 16, 2009 at 6:12 pm

But in some sense, don’t we all suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder?
Judge not, lest ye be judged.

MathewBrooks June 16, 2009 at 6:16 pm

Total Batshit.

Still, my favorite nickname of the week has to be “Kathryn Jean ‘Jonah Goldberg’ Lopez”

S.Luggo June 16, 2009 at 6:17 pm

Why are there no gentlemen on Detriot City Council?

Sources who described the incident on the condition of anonymity because of the sensitivity of the matter said the Feb. 4 argument escalated after Conyers called [council member Kwame] Kenyatta stupid, following his insistence that she submit in writing her request to cut his budget.
When Kenyatta asked her what she said, Conyers responded he needed to learn how to talk to a woman.
Kenyatta shot back that when he was with a woman, he would do so.
That prompted Conyers to yell at Kenyatta that he was stupid, citing his lack of a college degree, to tell him he “can’t hear” — a dig at his hearing aid — and to try to rub in his face rumors that Kenyatta has cancer.

hobospacejunkie June 16, 2009 at 6:21 pm

Is it an injustice to the people of Detroit or cosmic comedy that their newspaper’s online address is freep.com?

I fear Monica’s disingenuous pleas to Cheezus are veiled messages to her supporters that her husband will use his power to somehow make these charges disappear or greatly lessen in severity.

From this point forward prisons should work on the principle that if one real criminal goes in, then a non-violent drug felon goes out, in reverse chronological order. That’s some change I can believe in while Hopey’s holding his political capital in Cheney’s man-sized safe for a rainy day, while his minions allow more queers to be drummed out of the military or defend DOMA in federal court.

Fox n Fiends June 16, 2009 at 6:35 pm

God will never deliver you from being a dipshit. That’s how God done made you. Amen.

imissopus June 16, 2009 at 6:39 pm

[re=340373]S.Luggo[/re]: “This prompted Kenyatta to respond, ‘I know you are but what am I?’ To which Conyers said, ‘An old asshat with cancer of the nads!’ Kenyatta then responded, ‘I know you are but what am I’, to which Conyers replied ‘I know you are but what am I times infinity.’ Kenyatta repled, ‘I know you are but what am I times infinity plus one!’ It was at that point that the bell rang, signalling the end of recess before Conyers could think of a notably withering retort.’”

Jeweller June 16, 2009 at 6:39 pm

We, too in Detroit, are sick of this madwoman! We hope for her speedy jailing, but fear that this will be dragged out just like it was with he who is the Kwame. Don’t think she has the same loyalty among some of the public as he did, though, so she may soon be SOL.

Lascauxcaveman June 16, 2009 at 6:44 pm

I keep thinking, geeze, poor Detroit, how does it keep getting stuck with politicians who are basically monsters?

Then I remember Detroit, collectively, is an ignorant shithole, and elects them.

populucious June 16, 2009 at 6:55 pm

if you’re not praying for me, then you’re just adding to the problem

I need this on a bumper sticker tout suite! Perhaps she could sell them door to door to raise monies for her defense?

Woodwards Friend June 16, 2009 at 6:59 pm

“Ha ha your hockey team lost”


bitchincamaro June 16, 2009 at 7:04 pm

Bitch is gonna do hard time especially considering her born-again nonsense has happened on the outside. What’s there to look forward to on the inside other than perfecting her cornrowing skills?

My (former) city is burnin’.

ThePuckStopsHere June 16, 2009 at 7:33 pm

Monica is just like Kwame but w/o the balls. Literally and such. The comment about the local hockeyists was offsides, “Wonkette” (if that even is your real name which I DOUBT). Also.

bitchincamaro June 16, 2009 at 7:36 pm

[re=340470]ThePuckStopsHere[/re]: Word.

gjdodger June 16, 2009 at 7:42 pm

[re=340470]ThePuckStopsHere[/re]: Calm down, Hossa…er, Hoss.

SuperStarr June 16, 2009 at 8:50 pm

[re=340421]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: “Then I remember Detroit, collectively, is an ignorant shithole, and elects them.” Do you mean this to sound as racist as it does? This is the kind of crap I heard all the time from my white colleagues when I worked in Detroit. N-words too, as if me being white meant I was open to that particular conversation. Fuck it. The rest of Michigan is fucked up too, but I’m not going to call the whole state an ignorant shithole. Never.

rocktonsammy June 16, 2009 at 8:53 pm

Deetroit coloreds are so crazy.

The Schadenfried PAC June 16, 2009 at 10:22 pm

Is she Republican?

Lascauxcaveman June 17, 2009 at 12:34 am

[re=340516]SuperStarr[/re]: Haha. I love you, too. Actually, as far as Michigan is concerned, I hear the UP is nice, certain times of the year, (when not buried under tons of snow or tons of mosquitos), with piney woods and stuff. But I guess that makes me racist because there aren’t any black people u.p. there?

Jukesgrrl June 17, 2009 at 12:45 am

I’m so old I remember when anyone married to a person like this would resign his job in shame. Now, not so much, I guess.

eboniewoman June 17, 2009 at 3:23 am

i was born and raised in the city of detroit….monica conyers is one of the most disliked people here…personally, i cant wait for the bitch to fry….i feel awfully sorry for her husband….

eboniewoman June 17, 2009 at 3:24 am


what do u mean detroit coloreds are crazy

eboniewoman June 17, 2009 at 3:27 am


thanks for that statement…no, the whole city of detroit is not fucked up….and nor is the entire state….i hate that we get such a bad wrap for everything….

PsycGirl June 17, 2009 at 8:41 am

[re=340361]S.Luggo[/re]: I was thinking Narcissistic Personality Disorder myself. But it’s not NPD if you really deserve to have it all.

ThePerfesser June 17, 2009 at 8:49 am

It’s no surprise that Ol’ John Conyers got hooked up with a young’un like Monica who has a bad case of teh crazy.

I remember him years ago hitting on another such decent looking young lady and doing it in public. Even though that young lady was listed as an officer in the Communist Party of the USA.
That silver tongued devil has never been able to help himself.

Of course, then again, all men are dogs. I speak as one myself.

ThePerfesser June 17, 2009 at 9:04 am

By the way, the Starbucks in Detroit has a new offering on its menu. It’s called the Hossa. It comes without a cup. Also.

Manos: Hands of Fate June 17, 2009 at 9:22 am

[re=340516]SuperStarr[/re]: The big problem with the Detroit City Council is it’s elected at large, so they’re really not accountable to anyone. To actually get elected requires lots of money for radio ads and a well known name — like Conyers. I lived in the city for four years in a neighborhood that none of City Council members were from (they all pretty much live in the same upscale part of town)and I never any sign of them whats so ever.

Jim Graham or Harry Thomas couldn’t afford to act like an idiot for as long as Conyers has gotten awat with. They’ve got potholes to fill.

sitonmyface June 17, 2009 at 9:32 am

ThePerfesser: HA HA HA!!!!! Do they strap you in a chair, spin you around and pour it down your gullet?

Poor Hossa; he f!&@ed up!!

AngryAtheist June 17, 2009 at 9:52 am

Don’t forget about her drunken bar fights!

Apparently she was involved in an altercation with another woman over some guy…

The comedy material with this one is a never-ending wellspring

Woodwards Friend June 17, 2009 at 9:56 am

[re=340616]eboniewoman[/re]: If John Conyers were honest about having the ghey, he wouldn’t have married that sea lion of a beard. The rumors are always true, just saying.

[re=340616]ThePerfesser[/re]: No doubt.

Crazybroad June 17, 2009 at 9:58 am

Monica, here in Detroit we ARE praying for you! To go to jail for a long time, to go to hell and burn, to get kicked off of City Council, to be completely ostracized, to be ridden out of town on a rail, etc. See, even your haters are part of the solution …

Seriously, though, there’s nothing like a little Kwame-style scandal to liven an otherwise dull and depressing Motown summer.

(P.S. to [re=340640]ThePerfesser[/re]: Dude, everyone who lives in Detroit or who has worked for the Congressman knows she’s a beard … why do you think she’s so bitchy all the time?)

helzapoppn June 17, 2009 at 10:38 am

Between the probable indictment(s) and the August City Council elections, at least Detroit has a good chance of purging our batshit crazy elected officials.

Compared to, say, Minnesota.

Crazybroad June 17, 2009 at 1:11 pm

[re=340733]helzapoppn[/re]: Bwahahahaha! Your faith in the voting masses of Motown is admirable. This is the city that re-elected Barbara Rose Collins to Council after she had THE WORST attendance record EVER in the U.S. Congress, and what-his-nutz after he embezzeled millions from DPS. Either you live north of Eight Mile, or you’ve been smoking what they’re growing in the White House garden.

Biscuit June 17, 2009 at 5:58 pm

There’s a great editorial headline on the Detroit Free Press website today:

“Pray for Monica Conyers’ Resignation”

Unfortunately, she’ll probably need to be dragged out kicking and screaming (which would not appear much different than her conduct during council meetings).

Then when her prison term is up, she’ll be elected again due to her excellent name recognition.

helzapoppn June 17, 2009 at 6:33 pm

[re=340996]Crazybroad[/re]: Yes, Detroit’s past is a horrid melange of corruption and incompetence. But Kwame’s gone to Texas, Queen Barbara and her tiara is retiring, Crazy Monica is on the way out one way or another, Robert Bobb is cracking heads at DPS (seriously overdue), and the coming election could see a near-complete turnover of City Council.

Will they succeed? Perhaps not. Will Detroit miraculaously recover? No. But at least if the next group of leaders don’t actively make things worse, there’s a chance.

President Beeblebrox June 17, 2009 at 9:58 pm


Sorry, but Detroit is a fucked-up dysfunctional rathole. And I say this as one with about ten zillion relatives from Southeast Michigan, some of whom actually live in Detroit. Didn’t always used to be that way – but now it has the questionable distinction of having the most number of vacant skyscrapers in the nation AND the only mayor indicted and kicked out of office for lying under oath about having an affair.


[re=340648]Manos: Hands of Fate[/re]: Seen Torgo around here?

PsycGirl June 17, 2009 at 10:16 pm

[re=340324]Min[/re]: “Just remember, Monica, occasionally God answers a prayer by saying, “Oh, hell, no.”

In this case, he’s saying “OH NO YOU DIDN’T!

decora June 18, 2009 at 10:52 am

i think her only problem is that she has confused real life with the internet, where all of the aforementioned ‘shouting matches’ would be considered ordinary commentary

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