Politico Gets The Scoop On DC’s Top Masturbation Material

  ...go on?

Beltway Insider lore: Mark Shields has the biggest dick in townWe’re a day late to this one and have no time for long, meandering first paragraphs about nothing. Here’s the deal: The Politico has written a pornographic feature about how it wants to fuck Peter Orszag, Grover Norquist, Christopher Hitchens, Chuck Todd, Rahm Emanuel, Eric Cantor, and Dr. Congressman Ron Paul, in that order, maybe.

Oh now Politico is just having its fun, they do not really want to have sex in the anus with Dr. Ron Paul. (TRAITORS?) Just a slow summer news day in Washington, as most people have fled the city to visit Iran, on Twitter.

But a few choice excerpts in which no level of irony or joking or “Politicoesque irono-joking” (playing with the iPhone Fart app) can conceal the disappointing truth that these words, these were written, and there is something to them.

  • On Christopher Hitchens: “There’s just something about that British accent. And few folks wield it like Washington’s resident bad boy — the chain-smoking, whiskey-drinking, God-denying, Iraq-war-supporting Hitchens.” Sadly, VERY SADLY, it may somehow be true that this fat douche is truly “Washington’s resident bad boy.” Think about that. His only real competition is Mark Shields.
  • On Grover Norquist: “He may be the man many love to hate, but this notorious anti-tax lobbyist is so engaging — with a lightning-quick wit and overwhelming self-confidence — that even his dissenters often find it impossible to pull away. He’s had the ear of Washington’s most conservative elite for years, with contacts including key White House residents and, yes, convicted lobbyist Jack Abramoff.” Might as well respect him! He may be a Satanic wingnut grifter, but have you ever seen a grown man shoot a firecracker from his ass?
  • On Ron Paul: “Bloggers call him ‘sexy,’ and even some of his male cultlike followers admit their ‘man crushes.’” Yes, well, there’s a long back story there, involving World of Warcraft, Blimps, Vaseline, Digg… but enough with this.

The hunks of Washington [Politico]

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About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell

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47 comments

  1. Keram2

    Thanks Wonkette. Now my browser has “The Hunks of Washington” in it’s history. That’s fucking great. You instituted that link ban for a reason, keep at it.

  2. charlesdegoal

    What is so sexy about a nasally (?) and numbersy countertenor? Is Peter Orszag a smelly calculating eunuch? How cool.

  3. queeraselvis v 2.0

    There is not enough lube in this hemisphere to make me want to fap over that list.

  4. Noodle Salad

    This isn’t so much winning the morning as thinking that you’ve won the evening, with beer goggles so thick that Karl Rove and Peggy Nooningtonshire look like a Harlequin Romance cover couple. But the Politico is built on a tradition of thinking that it’s won, so this is par for the course. Why are we talking about this again? Oh, right. Orc Warlock xxRonPaulxx = HAWT

  5. hobospacejunkie

    Hitch stopped smoking. And he doesn’t ‘deny god,’ he thinks religion is nonsensical and gay. If the new pr0n section of this horrible daily got this much wrong, what else are they lying about?

  6. Joshua Norton

    Washington is Hollywood for ugly people. Now it’s Hollywood for crazy people. Also.

    I mean, who wouldn’t immediately throw themselves at someone in those oh, so ever sexy size 62 pants with the elastic waistband and a toupee that looks like an orange cat taking a nap on someone’s head?

    Mmmmmm. Pure date bait.

  7. ManchuCandidate

    I thought shooting things out of their orifices was a Malkin speciality. Considering the GOP’s fascination for being in the gay male closet, I really shouldn’t be surprised.

  8. ProfessorJukes

    OK, saying that Rahm Emanuel “…has a mouth like a pirate” can be taken any number of ways, and invites much gay-sexing imagery. But Eric Cantor? That’s like fantasizing about a diseased eel.

  9. magic titty

    Wait – they’re calling a story featuring those wobbling clowns The Hunks of Washington?

  10. Marlowe

    So, who wrote the love note to Christopher?
    As for British accents, I’ll take his former comrade Alexander Cockburn whose accent has a Irish mix to it.
    He once wrote of Hitches:
    ” What a truly disgusting sack of shit Hitchens is. A guy who called Sid Blumenthal one of his best friends and then tried to have him thrown into prison for perjury; a guy who waited till his friend Edward Said was on his death bed before attacking him in the Atlantic Monthly; a guy who knows perfectly well the role Israel plays in US policy but who does not scruple to flail Cindy Sheehan as a LaRouchie and anti-Semite because, maybe, she dared mention the word Israel. She lost a son? Hitchens (who should perhaps be careful on the topic of sending children off to die) says that’s of scant account, and no reason why we should take her seriously. Then he brays about the horrors let loose in Iraq if the troops come home, with no mention of how the invasion he worked for has already unleashed them.”

  11. queeraselvis v 2.0

    [re=339694]Oldskool[/re]: Relax. There is–thank Cthulhu–no photospread to compound the abomination.

  12. MargeSimpsonsBlackFriend

    As a nod to think link ban (and also because I don’t want to gag and die), I am also not going to click.

    I can say with absolute certainty that none of those people are sexy, except for the nine fingered, ballet dancing enforcer, maybe.

  13. nmmagayar

    OK, most of that made me throw up in my mouth, but I do have some fantasies about Chuck Todd’s ginger pubes

  14. Monsieur Grumpe

    I met Mark Shields at the Great Waters Brew Pub in St Paul, MN during the Republican convention. I pedaled my bike there on a really hot and humid day. He agreed to have his picture taken with me despite the fact I was all sweaty from the ride. Nice guy. He didn’t try to grab my ass or loiter in the restroom.

  15. thefrontpage

    On Sarah Palin: We don’t find her attractive or interesting at all. In fact, she’s a moron.

  16. SuperStarr

    [re=339687]Marlowe[/re]: Agreed, Hitchens is a gawdawful fucking drone. Much worse since he quit smoking. I don’t even hate him; I just don’t care. And D.C.’s version of hunkiness? Jesucristo, I’ll stay in CA, thanks.

  17. WadISay

    Really, how can you not love a guy who wants to starve something so he can drown it in his bathtub?

  18. ProfessorJukes

    [re=339709]nmmagayar[/re]: Sorry to disappoint, but he shaves the whole kit-and-kaboodle. Or so I heard.

    (BTW.. Is ‘belizean’ the exact opposite of a ‘brazilian’?)

  19. CorkPopper

    Grover Norquist has “lightening-quick wit and overwhelming self confidence”? Really? I saw him on teevee once running on about how his father banged it into his skull as a boy that the government could take all your hard-earned stuff away at any time. He struck me as pathetic, terrified, and delusional…I pictured him lying awake at night, drenched in sweat, convinced the black helicopters were going to land in his backyard right then.

  20. sackmeister

    Nice try, Wonkette, but we all know that Krauthammer is the biggest dick in town.

    Ohhhhh…

  21. kudzu

    I think Grover should play The Gimp (for some reason I disagree with Tarantino and I think The Gimp should be short and plump, like Norquist) and Hitchens and Doctor President Emperor Congressman Ron Paul should play Maynard and Zed, respectively. Now, who plays Butch and Marsellus?

  22. Holding Out for a Hero

    [re=339723]AxmxZ[/re]: Damn skippy! Rahm had the “dorky cute” thing working for him back in the Clinton WH and he has certainly aged well.

    Seriously though, I think this article was written to cover up (or expose) the fact that somebody over at Politico has the major hots for Mr. Emanuel.

  23. Mr Blifil

    It’s not summer yet goddamnit. Does the orbit of the Earth mean nothing to you people?

  24. Extemporanus

    Rahm Emanuel? Hmm, that’s a real shocker. And yes, by “shocker” I do indeed mean “one-and-a-half in the pink, one in the stink.”

  25. lawrenceofthedesert

    Politico’s bold exploration of the most distant, Big Bang-heated edge of the Slow News Day universe. What it lacked in humor, it matched in sheer desperation.

  26. penalcolony

    They got paid for writing that? Good grief. Ron Paul is older than aspirin. The brain damage feature of Hitchens’s alcoholism will kick in any day now. And Norquist has that wardrobe problem: wears his whole closet wherever he goes . . .

  27. stew

    I’m guessing Hitchypoo is popular among those who enjoy being vomited on by their sex partners.

  28. qaf

    [re=339687]Marlowe[/re]: Cockburn may well be right about Hitchens, but he’s not without his own unfortunate peccadillos. Like taking the Scientology line on psychotherapy. Or when he dated Lally Weymouth (daughter of Katherine Graham, owner of the Washington Post) some time ago; it was said that she would use him as a go-between to carry messages to the driver when they were in her limo.

    Still, I must admit he has (in proportion to his comparatively low profile) produced and promoted more good (and honest) journalism than Hitchens has, at least since 9-11 and probably for some time before.

  29. Marlowe

    [re=339945]qaf[/re]: Well Alex likes to relate his father’s view of journalism, which I like.
    In essence (from a review of Patrick Cockburn’s Broken Boy)

    Claud proclaimed that facts and rumours were of equal significance, and warned against what he called ‘the factual heresy’ – the claim, dear to journalists with a saint-like idea of their own mission, that lumps of truth lie about like gold nuggets waiting to be picked up. He did not think journalism was either saintly or fact-bound. ‘All stories are written backwards,’ he once observed. ‘They are supposed to begin with the facts and develop from there, but in reality they begin with a journalist’s point of view from which the facts are subsequently organised.’ Patrick takes this disrespect even further. Reporters, he finds, ‘are ill-equipped to extract information which others do not want to impart’. Most great stories – Watergate, for instance – arise from deliberate leaks rather than from fearless investigation. ‘A journalist might like to be a spy but generally ends up as a conduit for information.’

    In particular, I admire Alex because of the attacks on him by Marty Peretz and Norman Podhoretz for Alex’s commentary on the Israeli invasion of Lebanon (1982) and the Sabra and Shatila massacres.

  30. doloras

    [re=340033]Marlowe[/re]: I particularly like Cockburn because he was the first person on the serious Left to tell the 9/11 Truth crowd to fuck off, rather than ignoring them and hoping they’d go away.

  31. eekahil

    [re=339799]Holding Out for a Hero[/re]:

    I agree with you that it sounds like the Politico person is trying to hide their Rahm-Hots.
    Look how less-gushy the writing about Rahm’s (considerable) hunkiness is. It’s as obvious as a 7th Grader pretend-ignoring their Secret Crush.

Comments are closed.