Wonkette
Here is the most important political news you will read all week: people are raising chickens these days, for eggs and for the purposes of annoying their neighbors. Chickens also make disgusting gloppy poops that are good for fertilizing your filthy organic gardens, and for “decorating” your back steps so that when you go out barefoot onto the lawn you are reminded why Jesus invented shoes.
Chickens are stupid and awful creatures, and people who raise them in the hopes of having a “new family pet” are just deranged, but on the plus side a good sturdy egg with a thick shell, a proper orange yolk, and a robust white that doesn’t run all over the frying pan like water is a lovely thing indeed.
So, Americans, it is your Duty to put a chicken in a little house in your back yard, or in your apartment or wherever. Put one in your purse and take it shopping on Rodeo Drive, like Paris Hilton! When your neighbors complain, get on the goddamn Twitter and start a revolution and tell all your Facebook friends to wear chicken feathers in Solidarity. This is how political change happens.
Backyard chickens on the rise, despite neighbors’ clucks [Los Angeles Times]
Please post a picture of that tasty bird from behind…er…it’s back…uh…it’s been awhile, alright?
I cracked a raw egg into a PBR this morning for breakfast — true story, Wonkette advertisers — and the only thing that could make that better is if I had had to collect the egg from a chicken in my backyard first.
I never knew chickens were required to go full Brazilian.
First they came for the juice, and I said nothing. Then they came for the couch on the neighbor’s porch, and I said nothing. Then they came for my chickens and there was no one left on the twitter to give a shit.
Chickens are great entertainment. Smoke a joint if you have one or just grab a drink and watch them picking around for insects.
Aw, I like chickens. Mind you, I steer clear of them, because they are scary and dumb, like conservatives.
A chicken on every lawn and poop for every garden.
“Roosters are typically banned in cities because of crowing.”
The citified liberal elites are raising lesbian chickens!
Just this morning, I saw evidence that my neighbors are courting bird flu and other chicken-related catastrophes by having chickens running about the front yard. However, knowing how lax my other neighbors are in observing Nashville’s leash law, I believe the chicken menace will soon be nipped in the bud.
chascates: I agree completely; they are wonderful entertainment in the yard, you can let them into your garden when the plants have gotten a good start, they’ll clean up all the weed sprouts after harvest and before planting, they do a great job of raising their chicks, and it’s fun to watch them freak out when someone on a hang glider floats over. They always keep one eye on the sky! And those free-range eggs are incredible.
And that, my friends, is economic stimulation.
That bikini leaves very little to the imagination.
If this holds any truth I expect this to replace my “40 acres and a mule” reparations package. 3 chickens and a little respect would do nicely. Thank you.
How very timely. Our own fair city is currently convulsed by pro- and anti-chicken factions, in consideration of passing an ordinance allowing our own fair citizens to legally keep up to three non-crowing chickens in their own legal yards.
You get a chicken, I’ll get a chickenhawk.
SKS:
Thank you for this. You are an hero.
nappyduggs: How about a hamster and eye contact when we are forced to interact? I’m glad we’re negotiating again . . .
Back when I was a psychopathic teenager, I had a friend who lived on a farm. They raised chickens along with all the other usual farm goings-on. My friend would on occasion be given the chore of killing a couple chickens for supper. That meant cutting their heads off with an axe. Being as the chickens were doomed anyway, we used to have a little fun before decapitating the little bastards. They had this small agricultural structure - probably a corn crib - that had spacing between the sideboards of about 4 or 5 inches. Our “fun” consisted of chucking the chickens as hard as we could, through the slats of the corn crib. You really had to be there to appreciate how much fun that was. Is that animal cruelty? I’ll bet John Yoo doesn’t think it was.
So, what was this thread about anyway?
Unless you have more than 10 acres, and you are out in the country, NO ONE should be “raising chickens” in urban OR suburban neighborhoods. No one. We grew up in a rural area, and experts in poultry farming used to note this all the time. They always rightfully laughed at idiot urban and suburban people who tried to “raise” chickens in unhealthy, unsanitary, too-small, cruel enclosures in too-enclosed neigborhoods. And there are about 50 health and sanitary reasons why people should not “raise” chickens. Really–it does seem that more and more people are just simply losing their minds and any grip on any semblance of reality. People: You should not be “raising” chickens any more than you should be slaughtering cows in your basement.
Wait, the people in this article live in fucking Madison, Wisconsin? Two things that are not hard to find around Madison, Wisconsin: food from hippy-pleasing organic farms, and rural property so you can have your annoying-ass chickens without bothering people.
The LA Times is so late to the story about chicken enthusiasts. Rappers have been rapping about chickenheads for a decade at least.
They tried this a long time ago in New York. It did not end well.
thefrontpage: You should not be “raising” chickens any more than you should be slaughtering cows in your basement.
Wouldn’t dream of it — I mean, you can’t swing a chainsaw around down there, it’s too narrow. I always use the living room.
thefrontpage: Seriously? Even, like, one or two? It seems like having a couple of chickens on a quarter acre would be doable.
germansteel: Huh. I… huh.
Through a 4-H project, I had a pet chicken for a weekend in junior high school. He was sweet and cute and would peep and sleep in your hands. I loved my pet chicken. Sometimes I think about him when I’m enjoying a fine chicken dinner.
Over the years I’ve seen 2 random roosters wandering the streets of Los Angeles. At the time I wrote them off as cock fight escapees, but maybe there were hens nearby laying eggs for hippies or yuppies. The demographics of the city are a patchwork so it’s hard to tell.
No wonder there aren’t so many coyotes hanging around my house anymore. They all moved to LA.
The crushed eggs shells also make for great additions to shampoo, toothpaste, and hemorrhoid cream. Honest! Give it a try!
octupletsmom: I think Andrew Sullivan is Tweeting about that. Keep safe and watch out for the pro-chicken Basiji.
thefrontpage: Okay. But what about the Japanese, Chinese, Koreans etc. who have raised chickens for, oh, centuries, mostly in spaces smaller than 10 acres? Undersized chickens maybe. But still free-range and organically-fed.
thefrontpage: …People: You should not be “raising” chickens any more than you should be slaughtering cows in your basement.
Oh great. NOW you tell me. Well, actually, it isn’t really a basement, more of a crawl space. And I don’t think they’re really cows. They look more like chickens. This is very unclear.
I grew up on a farm and raised chickens. There is nothing funnier than watching chickens chase lit cigarettes. One will pick it up, drop it, another will grab it, like 3 times per chicken til they put it out or get that fire is hot.
This is why chickens should wear burkhas.
NoWireHangers: I don’t remember the details of the animal ordinance next door in LA but there are limits on rooster-keeping there. So yeah its quite likely that the fine-lookin’ cock you saw wandering the streets might have been one turned loose by the owners.
JeFus didn’t invent shoes you irreligious fools. He invented sandals.
Boojum: Oh, did I mention how much this reminds me of Republicans with a racist joke?
The various hawks, raccoons, dogs, foxes, coyotes and cats that pass through my ‘hood would probably appreciate a drive up window.
Chickens are stupid and awful, and they hate our freedoms.
“MONROE — A neighborhood flap over chickens that landed a former Monroe woman behind bars has sparked a debate about horn honking, Snohomish County’s noise rules and the First Amendment.”
http://www.heraldnet.com/article/20090613/NEWS01/706139938/-1/RSS02
and some chickens scream instead of crow like they do in the cartoons. there’s nothing quite like a screaming chicken waking you up at 4:30 in the morning, every morning.
Chickens are awesome. They are always trying to bum some food off me or hit me up for hanging out. Like Portland street kids, but without cardboard signs. The eggs and poop are great for eating and gardening, respectively.
AnnieGetYourFun: WAAAY smarter and nicer than conservatives.
thefrontpage: You are talking out your ass. You clearly know nothing about livestock, proper pasture management, communicable disease, or ecology. 10 acres before there is enough room for chickens? Maybe if you are trying to raise 200 of them. Sanitary reasons? You don’t know how to wash your hands or change your shoes? Remind me to stay the fuck away from your computer keyboard. Ewww. The only good point you made was about chickens needing room to roam.
twitterpaters: They scream b/c they know we have a black prez and chicken is now our national foodstuff and their days are FUCKING.NUMBERED.
It is awesome that the prosecutor in this case is named Blackman. Also.
“wear chicken feathers in Solidarity”
Is that a commitment to Anthrocon 2009 Pittsburgh Pa July 4 weekend?
germansteel: I wouldn’t of told that…
I was talking to a friend recently who wanted a bunch of chickens (25 to be exact) to make a bit of cash at the farmers markets and such. Sexed chickens were about $3 at the chick vendor and non-sexed were a mere 25 cents. Choosing the cheap option the poor bastard ended up with 23 roosters out of the 25 chicks. He looked sad when I laughed at him, which I admit may have been mean considering all of the roostercide he had just committed.
Oh when this fad wears out… homeless chickens panhandling on the street. Sure, it’ll just be for chicken feed, but in a down economy. Poor little thinks, won’t they deserve a bailout?
Things! Poor little things! Stupid fingers.
You are mistaken. It is not the sentiment of the American people concerning hens that is the question, but their deep and abiding love of cocks. They have the utmost adoration for those little peckers!
TGY: I guess if you enjoyed a nice juicy rooster you would be a cocksucker?
Flip the imagine upside-down and it looks like John Bohner’s mask on Halloweem. I say this in a good way.
My parents inherited a few dozen chickens from an uncle. He’d kept them in his garage in South Chicago. Yeah, we’re fancy.
The chickens went into molt as soon as we built a coop; molting equals no laying. While they were nekkid and useless, we bought more colorful birds. Then we noticed ducks and geese.
Soon we had a shitload of eggs and my folks made me sell them. The main rooster fertilized some of the eggs causing a drop of blood. Customers complained and I gave up my door-to-door egg route at the age of 12.
I remember that the feed cost more than the savings in eggs. Raccoons would attack the yard and some of the survivors would prolapse an asshole - dying days later. You had to dig the shit out of the coop 3/4 of the year. Hens are loud - there’s a song and dance every time they lay or find maggots.
Fact: Chickens make excellent house-pets. If you are 5.
Also stew once you’ve squeezed all the eggs out of them.
I recommend the documentary “A Natural History of the Chicken” for those that like the subject. It’s more about the weird people who keep chickens than the chickens, but it has a nice bit about Mike the Headless Chicken.
So there.
Back at Georgetown, around the time we invaded Iraq under W., students began protesting by moving from their dormrooms into tents in the middle of campus. They bought themselves a baby chick, which they dubbed the “Chicken of Peace.” The Chicken of Peace grew quickly and was soon so massively annoying that there was no one who could stand to keep it in DC over holiday breaks. As a result, one girl would take it home to Pennsylvania during Thanksgiving and Christmas and such, and during the trip, various people in the car would threaten to throw the Chicken of Peace into traffic, because, like I said, annoying. I have no information about whatever happened to the Chicken of Peace, but I like to think that it is living on a farm out in Lancaster.
That’s my only chicken story. I didn’t say it was a good one.
that chicken excites me sexually. which seems wrong, somehow.
PsycGirl: This could well be.
Hello,
fellow chicken chokers
This, in addition to all the pink and purple colored chicks abandoned at Easter by ADHD-addled children and their oh-so-thoughtful relatives.
Bird flu is 100% sure now…
Barry White Zombie: You owe me a new keyboard cause I most definitely spewed coffee all over mine. Thank you for that, you’re my hero.
Balls!: Non-sexed chickens means those of the less costly sex that is cocks. Hens cost more so when you say you don’t care, you don’t get the hens.
Heh heh I said cocks.
You prolly don’t need 10 acres. Our fowl raising neighbors didn’t have that much cleared with ducks, guineas and chickens.
But only 1/4 acre? Yeah that would be stinky bad.
I lived on the back side of a mountain facing West Virginia for a while…