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Clever D.C. Intern Uses SmarTrip Card As Fake I.D., Is Bludgeoned To Death By The Management

  • “I’m only 19 BUT as you can clearly see from my big red badge, I have an internship yanking the goose hairs off Congressman Blowhard’s back — you know, THE Congressman Blowhard? — So, my friends and I would like a pitcher of Poland Spring Vodka but you don’t need to bring extra glasses, a few straws will be fine. Wait, do you have Crazy Straws? YOU DO?!” [Spotted: DC Interns]
  • Welcome to the District of Columbia, where HIV runs free like the Potomac River, all the way to Chesapeake Bay! And a special shout-out to CVS for putting all the condoms under lock and key, like a Good Neighbor would. Of course, this policy isn’t nearly as compassionate as the 9-month wait before CVS will sell you Plan B. [DCist]
  • It’s disgusting to see how Facebook has encouraged countless acts of sexual harassment, In Real Life. [Holla Back DC]
  • Why don’t the young people of Montgomery County want to learn the noble trades of blacksmithery and fishmongering? [Washington Examiner]
  • The Arlington Chamber of Commerce hired Mobb Deep to write a rap about life on the streets. Our favorite couplet: “No doubt, watchin’ my back and proceed with caution / Five-oh lurkin’, no time to get lost in — Whole Foods.” [DCist]
  • Remember to receive racist e-mails from your school board president this weekend! That, and more. [Paul Slansky/TIME]

About the author

Riley is an "internet blogger." He has written for such internet websites as True/Slant and the terrible Brangelina gossip emporium "The Huffington Post." Riley lives in northeast DC, near H Street. Maybe you do too and want to hang out?

View all articles by Riley Waggaman
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6 comments

  1. OzoneTom

    What a terrible season to be in D.C. I for one am glad that you are there so that I don’t have to be.

  2. Mr Blifil

    Look buying condoms at CVS is a cinch, just use my method. I walk to the counter and say in a clear firm voice: “I’d like 5 boxes of Magnum XL condoms, por favor, my dear young lady. Yeeah, you heard. Magnum. X…freakin’…L… DON’T MAKE ME TAKE IT OUT AND SLAP YOUR MANAGER WIDDIT!!1!1″

    Works every time, except they never give me the condoms.

  3. InsidiousTuna

    I hate Hill interns. This is my second summer here as an intern (not on the Hill), and every single Hill intern I’ve ever met has been an incompetent, pompous douchesack.

  4. DangerousLiberal

    The only thing worse that asshole D.C. interns is having to be their poli sci prof after they get back, when they are more than willing to tell you that everything you know about Congress is wrong and that I am just a pointy headed intilektual. Yes, but you’re a douche–but a douche who can, by now, make a fine cup of coffee.

  5. Bruno

    CVS ought to put the condoms next to a bunch of innocent but high margin stuff that can quickly picked off the shelf for the embarrased. This will more than compensate for condom theft.

Comments are closed.