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  • “I’m only 19 BUT as you can clearly see from my big red badge, I have an internship yanking the goose hairs off Congressman Blowhard’s back — you know, THE Congressman Blowhard? — So, my friends and I would like a pitcher of Poland Spring Vodka but you don’t need to bring extra glasses, a few straws will be fine. Wait, do you have Crazy Straws? YOU DO?!” [Spotted: DC Interns]
  • Welcome to the District of Columbia, where HIV runs free like the Potomac River, all the way to Chesapeake Bay! And a special shout-out to CVS for putting all the condoms under lock and key, like a Good Neighbor would. Of course, this policy isn’t nearly as compassionate as the 9-month wait before CVS will sell you Plan B. [DCist]
  • It’s disgusting to see how Facebook has encouraged countless acts of sexual harassment, In Real Life. [Holla Back DC]
  • Why don’t the young people of Montgomery County want to learn the noble trades of blacksmithery and fishmongering? [Washington Examiner]
  • The Arlington Chamber of Commerce hired Mobb Deep to write a rap about life on the streets. Our favorite couplet: “No doubt, watchin’ my back and proceed with caution / Five-oh lurkin’, no time to get lost in — Whole Foods.” [DCist]
  • Remember to receive racist e-mails from your school board president this weekend! That, and more. [Paul Slansky/TIME]
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