WHOA  11:24 pm June 11, 2009

Loose In DC Tonight: The Mother of All Truck Nutz

by Ken Layne

Pull this guy over and give him a sack of trophies!
Wonkette operative “Ali” sends this stunning camera-phone image of the biggest, baddest pair (trio?) of Truck Nutz in American History, attached to a golden fire chariot you need a step ladder just to see inside. This car, obviously, belongs to Rahm Emanuel.

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Hola wonkerados.

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Brendan M. June 11, 2009 at 11:32 pm

You know, there is a difference between being an awesome badass and being a straight-up asshole. Why can’t Wonkette get it right when it comes to “them Jew” Rahm, by which I mean that “Zionist?”

jagorev June 11, 2009 at 11:32 pm

Please tell me that’s Photoshopped

Lunchbox June 11, 2009 at 11:33 pm

I swear I’ve seen this car on I95 in Miami.

Heywood Floyd June 11, 2009 at 11:41 pm

what is this i don’t even

bago June 11, 2009 at 11:43 pm


NoWireHangers June 11, 2009 at 11:44 pm


NoWireHangers June 11, 2009 at 11:46 pm

The first Truck Nutz I ever saw were giantic blue ones–about the same size as the gold balls above–on a big blue pick up truck with huge tires in Skokie, Illinois. I was in college at the time, and thought that someday I’d like a giant vagina to hang off my car if only to level the playing field for women.

SayItWithWookies June 11, 2009 at 11:53 pm

Please tell me the alien car theme from Repo Man was playing when he took this pic. It should follow the car around and be playing constantly, a sonic nimbus of aesthetic and manly patriotic perfection.

horned_viper June 11, 2009 at 11:55 pm

There should be a registration tax on truck nutz to compensate for the self-inflicted eye poking injuries of the masses.

lizard scum June 11, 2009 at 11:56 pm

You thought wealthy Jews were mistrusted before they started rubbing it in Real America’s face by plating a perfectly good Monte Carlo with horded gentile gold.

SeminoleInDior June 12, 2009 at 12:04 am

Yes, that car is from Florida. You can tell because of the tacky Miami Hurricanes license plate. Figures. It’s probably some trashy Broward County Community College fan.


Texan Bulldoggette June 12, 2009 at 12:06 am

You know, I’ve been in Austin, TX for over 20 years & I’ve never actually seen a pair of real Truck Nutz (I actually thought they were a Wonkette invention) & we have our share of folks who would sport this kind of thing on their vehicles. I can only say, ‘Thank you baby jeebus’ because that would have emotionally scarred me for life!

Texan Bulldoggette June 12, 2009 at 12:09 am

[re=337370]SeminoleInDior[/re]: I thought everyone in FL had to have the Jesus crucifixion license plate.

I can’t help thinking this is the Charlie Crist mo-bile–it’s just an awful strange coincidence that Charlie & this car are both orange.

sati demise June 12, 2009 at 12:10 am

Ali sends a pic of Rahms gigantic balls?

Hopeys speech in Cairo is reverberating around the world and at home in DC.

tunamelt June 12, 2009 at 12:15 am

That Oompa Loompa has huge balls.

mattbolt June 12, 2009 at 12:16 am

Yo dawg, it’s Xzibit, and we just PIMPED yo RIDE! Now dawg, we heard you like balls. Since you’re a big balls fan, we here at West Coast Customs installed this scrotum ON YO CAR, so that your car can be swingin’ huge nuts WHILE YOU DRIVE!

mattbolt June 12, 2009 at 12:19 am

[re=337363]NoWireHangers[/re]: I drive a Golf Cabriolet, so, I kinda already drive a big vagina.

FormerDCite June 12, 2009 at 12:22 am

This is in Miami, DC doesn’t have as many banana trees. According to FAUX NOOZE, this is probably the prototype for the next Presidential Limo. They reported that Obama will have it painted shiny green instead.

Kinkster June 12, 2009 at 12:27 am

yo dawg i herd u liked goin commando so we put balls on ur car so u can let ur balls swing while u let ur balls swing

freerangemink June 12, 2009 at 12:28 am


I wanted to think so but the headlights on it look pretty authentically nutzy. This is a great day for America.

assistant/atlas June 12, 2009 at 12:31 am

Now I know what Moses felt like when he saw the burning bush…

[re=337357]jagorev[/re]: I don’t care even if it is photoshopped. Like Fox News, I chose to believe it’s real and therefore it is, like Santa Claus or Iraqi WMDs.

[re=337363]NoWireHangers[/re]: Yeah, if women hung breasts from the back of their cars, rear endings would skyrocket. Buttsecs! Also!

assistant/atlas June 12, 2009 at 12:34 am

Fuck yeah America, also.

freerangemink June 12, 2009 at 12:37 am

Where can we get send our plaster molds and order truck nutz based on our OWN, that is, non-truck scrotumz? I would want them identical but tinted and of course scaled to match my aqua-marine ’94 Altima. Nissannutz lefty wouldn’t even necessarily need to be tender. Also.

hobospacejunkie June 12, 2009 at 12:54 am

[re=337357]jagorev[/re]: [re=337361]bago[/re]: [re=337381]assistant/atlas[/re]: I want to believe, and I can choose to believe, but I’m wondering if maybe those awesome pair (trio?) of supergoldenballs should be casting a shadow of some kind. Then again, maybe they are vampire truck nutz, which of course wouldn’t cast a shadow.

Cicada June 12, 2009 at 12:55 am

If photoshopped trucknutz are wrong, then I don’t wanna be right.

gferris5 June 12, 2009 at 12:57 am

Yeah Those are some Donk-Nuttz yo! Usually for white boys in chevy’s, they’s integrated now!

Hooray For Anything June 12, 2009 at 1:03 am

[re=337367]lizard scum[/re]: I guess that would make them circumcised Truck Nutz

HipHopOpotamus June 12, 2009 at 1:20 am

I’ve always wondered why they hang off the back of the truck. Understandably, it might have to do with how the Truck Nutz are installed, but unless I failed Sex Education, as taught to me by my mother in 9th grade (yes, Virginia, my mother, the school nurse, taught my entire grade), … shouldn’t, anatomically speaking, they be in the front?

drrty martini June 12, 2009 at 1:26 am

I believe. I BELIEVE!

SayItWithWookies June 12, 2009 at 1:33 am

[re=337393]HipHopOpotamus[/re]: Since cars and trucks have four wheels, they’re more analogous to quadripeds like horses, cows, goats, etc, which have the testes between the back pair of legs. We do too, for that matter, it’s just that our front pair no longer is used like a pair of horse or dog forelegs.
Also, if they hung under the front pair, they’d be chestnuts.

Mr Blifil June 12, 2009 at 1:43 am

Last I saw that car it was parked near the alley between Q and Corcoran. Maybe it’s the Crack-mobile.

Suds McKenzie June 12, 2009 at 1:45 am

no shadows ? .. I will place this in the UTN (unindentfied truck nutz) folder.

… so DC has palm trees and looks like 1984 Miami? .. I’m calling Scully

cal June 12, 2009 at 1:55 am

[re=337363]NoWireHangers[/re]: You haven’t heard of Car Cuntz?

Decker June 12, 2009 at 1:58 am

[re=337363]NoWireHangers[/re]: I had the pleasure of a lunch with Gloria Steinem during a campaign one year – lovely experience. It was slightly marred when a volunteer came up to give her a home-made vagina pin, consisting of rosy pieces of oblong felt layered atop each other with a little red nub at the top end.

It was slightly more tasteful than this: http://www.zazzle.com/vagina_monologue_2009_button-145066959659531401 And now I realize that pin was the female truck nutz. The End.

Cleopatra Schwartz June 12, 2009 at 2:10 am

This is Bob Barker saying, “Help control the Hick population, have your cars spayed or neutered!”

schvitzatura June 12, 2009 at 2:42 am

Scrapin’ shinin’ box donk…boieee!

sweetcandy June 12, 2009 at 2:46 am



facehead June 12, 2009 at 3:00 am


SayItWithWookies June 12, 2009 at 3:00 am

[re=337401]cal[/re]: CatConCuntz — hotter and wetter.

Bruno June 12, 2009 at 3:01 am

Those sure look like some super lucky happy nutz. I think you could charge 50 cents a rub.

Bruno June 12, 2009 at 3:06 am

[re=337367]lizard scum[/re]: I thought that was hoarded Paultard gold. Say what you want about those Paultards, but stocking up on gold isn’t a bad idea.

Lionel Hutz Esq. June 12, 2009 at 3:18 am

Must be a picture of David Souter leaving DC for New Hampshire.

peeno nwar June 12, 2009 at 3:57 am

Come on, look closely. THREE nuts. That’s not Rahm Emanuel’s car, it’s Hillary Clinton’s.

SlipperyDick June 12, 2009 at 4:09 am

I wonder how they’re going to look when this guy’s driving a Prius?

GreenHalo June 12, 2009 at 5:12 am

Clearly fake. There’s one light source on the extra-testicle and another on the entire rest of the photo. Doesn’t make the operative a bad person, of course. A crappy faker, maybe, or an easily hoodwinked tool, but not a bad person.

The impressive stuff, if you’re into it, is the specialist handicraft of the porno-still facial-money-shot artists. Those people have talent AND skill, and they get paid peanuts. A giant load spattering against a woman’s $300 make-up, plus associated dripping and glaze residue, that’s some serious artistic exertion. Also.

Come here a minute June 12, 2009 at 5:53 am

Now the girls would turn the color
Of an avacado when he would drive
Down their street in his El Dorado
With his massive pair of TruckNutz
Girls could not resist his stare
Pablo Picasso was never called an asshole
Not like you

Naked Bunny with a Whip June 12, 2009 at 6:50 am

(I actually thought they were a Wonkette invention)

I keep seeing this, regarding stuff like Truck Nutz and furries. I think we all have to agree that it cannot be. Wonkette can only destroy, not create. That is why we love her/it/them.

tootsieroll June 12, 2009 at 7:50 am

I saw this yesterday on Dlisted! and was sooooo close to sending it into Wonkette. I’m glad someone did.

Crapola June 12, 2009 at 7:53 am

I know this isn’t a devil’s foosball discussion, but this photo captures the essence of what it is to be a scUM fan.

In addition, anyone who has never been to Miami, just go ahead and cross it off of your lists, because this picture about sums it up. Also.

Crapola June 12, 2009 at 7:56 am

[re=337372]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: Everyone has to have the “Choose Life” specialty plate down here. But, it’s all good because they’re bright yellow and everyone who sports one drives like old people fucking in molasses. It helps you figure out who not to get behind when approaching a line of traffic at a stop light on a multi-lane road. Win for everyone!

mollymcguire June 12, 2009 at 8:04 am

Definitely not Rahm’s. You can see foreskin.

Tawk June 12, 2009 at 8:17 am

I miss my Monte Carlo. 1987. V-8. Made all the Puerto Ricans jealous. (It’s not racist if its a demonstrable fact.) I also miss $1 a gallon gas. Times were simpler in 1998.

Monsieur Grumpe June 12, 2009 at 8:36 am

Why do I want to see that car driving into a tunnel?

Crab1 June 12, 2009 at 8:47 am

I’m getting a full color tattoo of this on my back. For my wedding.

j6n June 12, 2009 at 8:51 am

[re=337441]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: Why do I want to see that car drive through a big puddle?

PlanetWingnuta June 12, 2009 at 9:07 am

hmmmmmmmmmm…i wonder if he’s a teabagger!

Country Club Jihadi June 12, 2009 at 9:15 am

They now sell camouflage “Nutz Sacks” for the times when you just don’t want to flaunt your ballz:
“Sack Up Your Nutz when you dont want people to see them! Perfect for Church and other get togethers!”

cheeto_jeebus June 12, 2009 at 9:19 am

Doubters pleeze note, bright glare of unseen car’s headlights following just out of view. Blessed shadow of glorious golden orbs (thank you Ganesh) projected between the tires starting just below the diff, Long, appropriate shadow is cast forward parallel to similar shadow cast by left rear tire.
Nasty nads if ya ask me.

bitchincamaro June 12, 2009 at 9:23 am

[re=337436]mollymcguire[/re]: They’re orange. It’s John Boehner’s ride.

cybervoyeur June 12, 2009 at 9:24 am

If you look closely, the vegetation is tropical.
That isn’t DC.
Definitely a Broward County whitetrashmobile.

jetjaguar June 12, 2009 at 9:26 am

So, when he hits the brakes, does it swing up and hit the license plate? I’m pretty sure I would flat-out die laughing if I saw that happen in real life.

jetjaguar June 12, 2009 at 9:28 am

oh, and it doesn’t have a shadow, nor is it in the center of the car… so it’s obviously real, and glowing

wheelie June 12, 2009 at 9:43 am

The truck nutz are real. It is everything else that is fake.

nappyduggs June 12, 2009 at 9:51 am

It’s just like Tom Cruise’s underpanties in “Magnolia”

zenferret June 12, 2009 at 10:03 am

[re=337395]SayItWithWookies[/re]: So if that’s where the nuts are, then the drive shaft is the truck/Monte Carlo playing with it self?

mookworthjwilson June 12, 2009 at 10:05 am

[re=337363]NoWireHangers[/re]: I bet that guy in Skokie was in a barbershop quartet…

Noonan June 12, 2009 at 10:21 am

Since when does DC have palm trees and yellow painted stucco places?

George Will's Bow Tie June 12, 2009 at 10:46 am

If those truck nutz don’t exist, it’s necessary to invent them, for they will be the savior of us all.

El Pinche June 12, 2009 at 10:58 am

NEVER mistake TruckNutz with BrassHuevos, you reverse racists!!!

NoWireHangers June 12, 2009 at 10:59 am

[re=337402]Decker[/re]: I’d totally wear a handmade felt vagina pin.

Rosie Scenario June 12, 2009 at 11:08 am

Anybody remember when Don Imus claimed to have “three?” This could be his anatomically correct vehicle.

sati demise June 12, 2009 at 11:10 am

[re=337441]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: [re=337446]j6n[/re]: rare double win.

Buzz Feedback June 12, 2009 at 12:15 pm

How’z it ride?

SPlaTz June 12, 2009 at 12:34 pm

Can’t wait for the first truck vag.

the problem child June 12, 2009 at 12:38 pm

Maybe they didn’t have room in the trunk for the bag of uglifruit, what with all the sausages they were stocking up on.

Roll Fish June 12, 2009 at 2:08 pm

definitely shopped, but still pretty amazing.

timmy_the_tooth June 12, 2009 at 2:37 pm

It’s the MOAB, redefined…

Megapteronica June 12, 2009 at 5:25 pm

If tha whip got tha right hydraulics U can go teabaggin on tha republicanz wit it boom boom pow biyotches

Robobot June 12, 2009 at 6:52 pm

…But where is the full-size cloth rebel flag, American flag decal, and “dixie chick” bumper sticker? I call communist.

Harold_Ignoramis June 13, 2009 at 11:06 am

Sad thing is that Monte Carlo only has a 4.3 V6. The owner is just compensating.

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