Pull this guy over and give him a sack of trophies!
Wonkette operative “Ali” sends this stunning camera-phone image of the biggest, baddest pair (trio?) of Truck Nutz in American History, attached to a golden fire chariot you need a step ladder just to see inside. This car, obviously, belongs to Rahm Emanuel.

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  1. You know, there is a difference between being an awesome badass and being a straight-up asshole. Why can’t Wonkette get it right when it comes to “them Jew” Rahm, by which I mean that “Zionist?”

  2. The first Truck Nutz I ever saw were giantic blue ones–about the same size as the gold balls above–on a big blue pick up truck with huge tires in Skokie, Illinois. I was in college at the time, and thought that someday I’d like a giant vagina to hang off my car if only to level the playing field for women.

  3. Please tell me the alien car theme from Repo Man was playing when he took this pic. It should follow the car around and be playing constantly, a sonic nimbus of aesthetic and manly patriotic perfection.

  4. You thought wealthy Jews were mistrusted before they started rubbing it in Real America’s face by plating a perfectly good Monte Carlo with horded gentile gold.

  5. You know, I’ve been in Austin, TX for over 20 years & I’ve never actually seen a pair of real Truck Nutz (I actually thought they were a Wonkette invention) & we have our share of folks who would sport this kind of thing on their vehicles. I can only say, ‘Thank you baby jeebus’ because that would have emotionally scarred me for life!

  6. [re=337370]SeminoleInDior[/re]: I thought everyone in FL had to have the Jesus crucifixion license plate.

    I can’t help thinking this is the Charlie Crist mo-bile–it’s just an awful strange coincidence that Charlie & this car are both orange.

  7. Yo dawg, it’s Xzibit, and we just PIMPED yo RIDE! Now dawg, we heard you like balls. Since you’re a big balls fan, we here at West Coast Customs installed this scrotum ON YO CAR, so that your car can be swingin’ huge nuts WHILE YOU DRIVE!

  8. This is in Miami, DC doesn’t have as many banana trees. According to FAUX NOOZE, this is probably the prototype for the next Presidential Limo. They reported that Obama will have it painted shiny green instead.

  9. [re=337357]jagorev[/re]:

    I wanted to think so but the headlights on it look pretty authentically nutzy. This is a great day for America.

  10. Now I know what Moses felt like when he saw the burning bush…

    [re=337357]jagorev[/re]: I don’t care even if it is photoshopped. Like Fox News, I chose to believe it’s real and therefore it is, like Santa Claus or Iraqi WMDs.

    [re=337363]NoWireHangers[/re]: Yeah, if women hung breasts from the back of their cars, rear endings would skyrocket. Buttsecs! Also!

  11. Where can we get send our plaster molds and order truck nutz based on our OWN, that is, non-truck scrotumz? I would want them identical but tinted and of course scaled to match my aqua-marine ’94 Altima. Nissannutz lefty wouldn’t even necessarily need to be tender. Also.

  12. [re=337357]jagorev[/re]: [re=337361]bago[/re]: [re=337381]assistant/atlas[/re]: I want to believe, and I can choose to believe, but I’m wondering if maybe those awesome pair (trio?) of supergoldenballs should be casting a shadow of some kind. Then again, maybe they are vampire truck nutz, which of course wouldn’t cast a shadow.

  13. I’ve always wondered why they hang off the back of the truck. Understandably, it might have to do with how the Truck Nutz are installed, but unless I failed Sex Education, as taught to me by my mother in 9th grade (yes, Virginia, my mother, the school nurse, taught my entire grade), … shouldn’t, anatomically speaking, they be in the front?

  14. [re=337393]HipHopOpotamus[/re]: Since cars and trucks have four wheels, they’re more analogous to quadripeds like horses, cows, goats, etc, which have the testes between the back pair of legs. We do too, for that matter, it’s just that our front pair no longer is used like a pair of horse or dog forelegs.
    Also, if they hung under the front pair, they’d be chestnuts.

  15. no shadows ? .. I will place this in the UTN (unindentfied truck nutz) folder.

    … so DC has palm trees and looks like 1984 Miami? .. I’m calling Scully

  16. [re=337363]NoWireHangers[/re]: I had the pleasure of a lunch with Gloria Steinem during a campaign one year – lovely experience. It was slightly marred when a volunteer came up to give her a home-made vagina pin, consisting of rosy pieces of oblong felt layered atop each other with a little red nub at the top end.

    It was slightly more tasteful than this: And now I realize that pin was the female truck nutz. The End.

  17. [re=337367]lizard scum[/re]: I thought that was hoarded Paultard gold. Say what you want about those Paultards, but stocking up on gold isn’t a bad idea.

  18. Clearly fake. There’s one light source on the extra-testicle and another on the entire rest of the photo. Doesn’t make the operative a bad person, of course. A crappy faker, maybe, or an easily hoodwinked tool, but not a bad person.

    The impressive stuff, if you’re into it, is the specialist handicraft of the porno-still facial-money-shot artists. Those people have talent AND skill, and they get paid peanuts. A giant load spattering against a woman’s $300 make-up, plus associated dripping and glaze residue, that’s some serious artistic exertion. Also.

  19. Now the girls would turn the color
    Of an avacado when he would drive
    Down their street in his El Dorado
    With his massive pair of TruckNutz
    Girls could not resist his stare
    Pablo Picasso was never called an asshole
    Not like you

  20. (I actually thought they were a Wonkette invention)

    I keep seeing this, regarding stuff like Truck Nutz and furries. I think we all have to agree that it cannot be. Wonkette can only destroy, not create. That is why we love her/it/them.

  21. I know this isn’t a devil’s foosball discussion, but this photo captures the essence of what it is to be a scUM fan.

    In addition, anyone who has never been to Miami, just go ahead and cross it off of your lists, because this picture about sums it up. Also.

  22. [re=337372]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: Everyone has to have the “Choose Life” specialty plate down here. But, it’s all good because they’re bright yellow and everyone who sports one drives like old people fucking in molasses. It helps you figure out who not to get behind when approaching a line of traffic at a stop light on a multi-lane road. Win for everyone!

  23. I miss my Monte Carlo. 1987. V-8. Made all the Puerto Ricans jealous. (It’s not racist if its a demonstrable fact.) I also miss $1 a gallon gas. Times were simpler in 1998.

  24. They now sell camouflage “Nutz Sacks” for the times when you just don’t want to flaunt your ballz:
    “Sack Up Your Nutz when you dont want people to see them! Perfect for Church and other get togethers!”

  25. Doubters pleeze note, bright glare of unseen car’s headlights following just out of view. Blessed shadow of glorious golden orbs (thank you Ganesh) projected between the tires starting just below the diff, Long, appropriate shadow is cast forward parallel to similar shadow cast by left rear tire.
    Nasty nads if ya ask me.

  26. So, when he hits the brakes, does it swing up and hit the license plate? I’m pretty sure I would flat-out die laughing if I saw that happen in real life.

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