Wonkette
YOURS TRULY was enjoying a noontime visit to DC’s famous HOLOCAUST MUSEUM with a friend today, only to leave at 12:40 to quench the thirst with a smoothie from TANGYSWEET — just moments before a WHITE SUPREMACIST ANTI-SEMITE started a gun battle with museum security guards! And now a hero security guard has died, protecting museum-goers from a MARYLAND MONSTER. Why didn’t the NAZI die? Where’s the justice?
We shan’t easily forget THIS day at the museum.
Lustful congresslady CATHY RODGERS (R-Wash.) gave Alaska’s most accomplished helicopter sniper SARAH PALIN some sort of hug/back massage/butt squeeze and then Palin blushed with approval and asked about Ms. Rodgers’ son, who is only two so he can’t get pregnant for at least another 15 years and what a pity ….
At a casual summer mixer hosted by Washington Post editorial cartoonist TOM TOLES, preposterous Looney Toon DANA MILBANK, also of the Post, apprehended a pair of his host’s whitey tighties, which he then used as a crown to distinguish his noble birth from all the commoners in the room. Apparently this sort of elitist nonchalance is anticipated whenever Lord Milbank is united with his favorite elixir of grain alcohol and rain water ….
Rumor has it that GEORGE H. W. BUSH, a close relative of our cherished former president, wants to experience all the hedonistic pleasures of life. That is why Mr. Bush invited strange hairy men with wigs and bikinis to sit on his lap in Maine, and that is also why he is going to jump out of a plane with a news anchor strapped to his back this Friday afternoon. Keep flying high, 41! You’ll always be our favorite President Bush.
Riley Waggaman’s WAGG THE BOG appears constantly here at Wonkette. Send your hot gossip to the usual tips@wonkette.com
Ah, I remember my time in DC. There was nothing like a nooner at the National Holocaust Museum.
No snark here, thank you for acknowledging the man who gave his life for a low wage today and became a HERO under the worst of circumstances.
Security Guards undeservedly get a lot of shit from us in the General Pubalick.
Frank Willis, the Guard at the Watergate who was the one who discovered the break-in 27 years ago this month, was never able to find steady employment afterwards, even though he was the first domino that helped drive Nixon out of office.
Operative Riley, you show great promise. Carry around a tiny flash recorder with you at all times, along with your cameraphone; you will be able to spy, document, and blackmail with ease.
Oh, Riley! Glad you’re safe and all, but there’s no need to go to the Holocaust Museum at your young age. What you need is some bitter life experiences of your own to draw on, because there’s nothing funny about the Holocaust. But don’t worry, these things usually happen the decade between your mid-twenties and your mid-thirties. Then you can add bitter sneering hatred to the cynicism of your posts, making them potentially funnier than they already are.
Hi Riley, I really like your posts n’ all, but what’s up with your fingernail? Has it been branded?
Wonkette always gives the interns the dangerous assignments.
I smell a movie in the works about this strange episode of your life (starring Ben Stiller).
Riley, please post a daily schedule of your planned whereabouts (updated by the hour, please) so we know where NOT to go since it is now obvious that horrible violence and soul-crushing mayhem follow in your wake.
Why didn’t the NAZI die? Where’s the justice? Haven’t you seen the US WWII news film wherein it says 2 million nazis were unpunished, Hitler’s youth will rise up if let unchecked. I guess verner von shiestkoft must have been a youth at sometime, oh and shoot em in da nuts! squa in da nuts
Hats off to you Young Riley! Rumor has it Cindy Adams is quaking in her support hose, afraid you’ll set your sights on New York once you’ve wrung Washington dry!
facehead: A Night at the Holocaust Museum. I love it.
Dustin de Wynde: Riley, I join Dustin in thanking you for acknowledging Stephen Tyrone Johns without snark. There were hundreds of school children in that building and I doubt he got paid enough to do what he did for them, the touristas, and sundry Wonkette operatives. I’m glad you’re safe.
Now, whatever you can do to expand your investigative report of the vile Dana Milbank’s party behavior will be appreciated. (And don’t forget to ask for hard-duty pay if you’re required to go to Georgetown.)
riley you are far too young and far too amusing to have come so close to danger.
please limit yourself to normal US america entertainments like the imax or the ipod or the imax twitter or alaska or whatever you kids are using these days..
thanks.
dogscantlookup: “Hitler’s youth will rise up if let unchecked…” and become the Pope!
ladymacbeth: Or jumping out of airplanes like sad old men. (”It shoulda been Jeb.”)
Texan Bulldoggette: Ha ha! My own personal quote of the day, Bulldoggette. Confirmation, if one was needed, of Wonkette’s value to my (miserable, lonely) life.
Keep up the good work, Waggaman, but please, the hat is creeping me out, man. And you keep outing yourself as possibly one of them UK people, with the shan’t and all. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Perhaps a post about our good friend Gordon Brown is in the offing?
Oh, and Riley? Congratulations, you seem to be the only Wonkette overlord capable of taking an in-focus photo. Please usurp all future Wonkette photography assignments. It’s a nice change from the usual photographic offerings around here, not to name any names.
Stephen Jones = Good man.
That’s the downside to being an atheist - I can’t expect divine retribution for the Nazi, and no eternal reward for Jones. Just got to work to make the world a better place for those left behind.
ph7: Well, perhaps they’ll let von Murderpants loose in the general prison population. If there’s any justice…
I’ll stay in Madison thank you, D.C. is fucked up man.
Yikes! Good thing you’re safe, brotha! Rest in peace Stephen Jones and may that Nazi get assfucked a million times until his anus caves in in prison.
Well done, Riley! But keep your distance from the Lincoln Memorial. The Great Emancipator might be considered a fellow traveler by these septuagenarian Spartans.
Instead reward yourself with a bottle of gin and mixers and put it on our tab.
Lionel Hutz Esq.: Damn it, Hutz! You swore you’d never tell.
Man, that is a lot of bolding. You remind me of a slightly-off-the-hinges newsvine commenter.
Dustin de Wynde: Von Brunn needs to become an hero. Fucker.
Damn. You scramble to the top of the intern heap at the mighty Wonkette and get rewarded with a free pass to the Holocaust Museum?
I was sure the swag would be a little more blingy.
Sad, that we must pick our favorite Bush presidents. But Riley, you chose well.
Channing is a fan of Riley Waggaman
The hat is sexy Riley, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Shhhhh, baby, don’t say a word. I want to remember you just..like..this.
“Palin blushed with approval and asked about Ms. Rodgers’ son, who is only two so he can’t get pregnant for at least another 15 years and what a pity ….”
Unless the Alaskans have figured out something that the rest of the world hasn’t, I’m pretty sure that sons cannot get pregnant…perhaps you should learn about Mommy and Daddy parts next semester.
Oh, Riley, such a liar….. Trying to impress us with a visit to the Holocaust Museum MOMENTS BEFORE the shooting… Silly Rilet…. no one ENJOYS visiting that museum! It’s a monument to incredibly hard to comprehend suffering and death. I sure as shit don’t just take in a leisurely funeral, do you?
19kevin8: Oh! And besides your ‘faux pas’, which I’m totally willing to chalk up as a youthful indiscretion? You totally kick ass, Riley. I’d be honored if you’d let me hump your leg, or you face… just once, please?
19kevin8: Hmm, the editor senses a great disturbance in the Force, as if several commenters need to be banned, now.
Ken Layne: uh-oh!
Seriously, I heart Riley and his witticisms….. I’m drunk and even dead family members are funny to me right now… I am one sick fucker.
Ken Layne: and shouldn’t you be asleep? get to bed young man!
replying to oneself is a sign of mental illness. hello me it’s me again, shut up! no I will not shut up will I shut up
Ken Layne: Who got the best comment of the day?
facehead: Senator Bateman: Agreed! It writes itself. Ben Stiller and the hilarious hijinks of thousand of shoes brought to life every night. How could it go wrong? I say we get this green lit immediately. Hell, Tom Cruise can play one of the pairs of shoes!
Jamie Sommers: Dear me, if only I were so lucky.
19kevin8: Ken fortunately lives on the right side of the continent. So he can watch over us all at all hours.
Ken Layne: YES EDITOR. YOU MUST BAN THEM. BAN THEM WITH HASTE.
Riley — well that’s scary. And probably feels silly too since you weren’t actually there — there’s this survivor’s guilt that trips people out sometimes. It’s perfectly normal to be discombobulated by being near an event like that.
Also Cathy McMorriss Rodgers — hot or really hot?
I dunno. I made an ill-advised, not-hateful Joke about the poor security guard earlier in the evening and my so-called friends or so-called Drinking-Buddies did not like it at all, not one bit.
Now I am feeling bad about having made a Joke. But I stand by the two basic points I made:
1) This is NOT domestic terrorism. This is a crazy old man doing fucked up shit. It’s not part of a larger plot. It’s just a hateful crazy old fucktard.
2) How fucked up is it that the crazy old fucktard went off to the museum to kill The Jews and all he killed was a non-The-Jews security guard who was just there trying to fucking do a job, pay the bills, do all the other things that people do when they have shitty jobs…just make it through the day. This was no fucking ideologue. This wasn’t politics. This was, more or less, random violence. And it pisses the shit out of me.
Fuck. I hate everything. Sorry for not being funny.
Also, Riley, you’re far too young to be this glib. You haven’t done shit in your life. You were like 3 during 9/11. Whatevs, I’ll still laff and larf at your derrings-do.
These gusy just keep giving white supremicists everywhere a bad name.
GHWB 41 skydiving with the hot Robin Meade strapped on sounds nice. How about strapping Gretchen Carlson to GWB 43 and pushing them out of a plane?
yes some things you just can’t joke about
I appreciate Riley’s adherence to principles: When name dropping, always print the names in bold and a larger typeface. Also, when writing an article, never bury the lead - always put yourself in the first sentence.
You have learned well, our young apprentice.
Dustin de Wynde: if Frank Willis was worth his salt he would’ve single-handedly STOPPED the break-in, performed an interrogation and then marched straight to the White House and placed Nixon under citizen’s arrest.
I feel like I just read the beginning, and a series of residually themed, notes from children in eighth grade.
widget09: Oddly enough, a quote from the washington post about the subject:
“The responsible white separatist community condemns this,” he said. “It makes us look bad.”
bago: At what point (or level) do they look good? Unbelievable!
dogscantlookup: The Catholic Church will prevent the Hitler youth from rising. They are all committed to freedoms and liberties.
I still dont believe this kid is real. I mean, what is going on with his face? I am mean i know but still….this is DC
Riley, kid, you stir the pot, as all these comments attest. Well done and all that. However, the abilities you’re demonstrating at your peach-fuzz age sort of spook me; you’re going to be a terror when you grow up.
Separately, I echo the sincere sentiments of the Wonketteers in mourning for Guard Stephen T. Johns, only 39 years old, senselessly murdered.
Riley
Hats are groovin’, whether Top or white and tight. Praise be to the unique quality of innovation. I’m glad the roulette wheel stopped a tick short, as I fear you would speak up to anyone, anytime, even to detriment of your faithful readers; judgment is a survival skill.
Where are my gloves?