Barack Obama and the Temple of Doom

by Ken Layne

This birth certificate belongs in a museum!
A mild-mannered professor in Chicago by day, when adventure calls he returns to his Muslim Homelands to discover mythological treasures and say deadpan witticisms to his Arab and Jewish sidekicks. Barack “Barry” Obama must find the legendary Golden Dildo of Destiny, which will destroy what’s left of the evil Republican Nazis, as they will all fall down and worship the Golden Dildo when he lofts it over their combovers during Sonia Sotomayor’s confirmation ceremony in the Masonic basement of the National Archives.

The Dildo .... If it is there, at Tanis, then it is something that man was not meant to disturb.
Cairo, city of the living. And also, more famously, city of the dead mummy kings. No wait, that is further south, where the pyramids and camels live in an uneasy truce with the occult-crazed Nazis. Barry’s clownish sidekicks Rahm Emanuel, Reggie Love and spunky ex-flame Valerie Jarrett ride the “Arab gondolas” to the Great Pyramids, where Barry is finding a secret entrance by consulting his loyal Blackberry.

'Didn't any of you guys ever go to Sunday school?'
“And add eight more inches to honor the Hebrew god, and also to make fun of Netanyahu’s complete lack of a dick ….”
(IN UNISON:) “They’re digging in the wrong place!”

True Fact: The hieroglyphic figure directly to the right of Obama's wristwatch is OBAMA.
“I’ve got a bad feeling about this shit.”

'I am uncomfortable vis ze idea of zis Jewish ritual.'
“Don’t look Malia! Whatever you do, don’t open your eyes!”

White House Photostream [Flickr/Pete Souza]

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Hola wonkerados.

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Wuzzat June 10, 2009 at 1:49 pm


Accordion-o-rama June 10, 2009 at 1:52 pm

Rush can play the part of the giant rolling stone ball.

shortsshortsshorts June 10, 2009 at 1:53 pm

Barry still fails to wear the condom on his head, like those two other golden dildos.

snideinplainsight June 10, 2009 at 1:53 pm

Man, he looks so much better in a cowboy hat, than that other guy. It just goes to show, it’s not what you wear, it’s how you wear it.

SayItWithWookies June 10, 2009 at 1:53 pm

Is that his birth certificate?

Larry Fine June 10, 2009 at 1:54 pm

On his Middle East junket, Obama won’t be playing any pick-up basketball games with those a-rabs, that’s for sure. Those a-rabs can’t play ball. They are good camel jockeys though.

ManchuCandidate June 10, 2009 at 1:54 pm

Indiana Obama and the Last Bailout

Larry Summers: You could go down in history.
Indiana Obama: As what? A Wall St stooge like you?
Larry Summers: Wall St? Is that the limit of your vision? Wall St wants to write themselves into the Grail legend, to buy out the world. Well, they’re welcome to it. But I want the Grail itself, the cup that gives everlasting life to insult chicks. Wall St can have the world, but they can’t take it with them. I’m going to be drinking my own health after he’s gone the way of the Palin.

El Pinche June 10, 2009 at 1:54 pm

when bush went to the middle-east:

“heheh…do you guys get cartoon channel here? hey hajee, who’s camel do i suck off for a chocolate yoohoo ,heheh”

Texan Bulldoggette June 10, 2009 at 1:55 pm

I don’t know what they’re looking at in the last pic, but the oldest daughter looks like she’s staring at a pile of doggy doo dipped brussel sprouts.

Uncle Sam June 10, 2009 at 1:55 pm

Rahm’s on a motherfucking camel!

A Harlequin Bromance June 10, 2009 at 1:56 pm

The third picture is obviously the discovery of the long lost birth certificate (He is a secret Muslin!). Teleprompterzzz. Also.

Paterlanger June 10, 2009 at 1:57 pm

If he’s looking for the GDofD shouldn’t he be in Utah where Joseph Smith buried it after he stole if from American Jeebus?

MARCdMan June 10, 2009 at 1:59 pm

There’s a pot smoking joke in those hieroglyphs…

Mr Blifil June 10, 2009 at 2:01 pm

One of those hieroglyphs, the one of a head with giant ears, appears to be a self-portrait. Roland Burrus has nothing on Barry’s kick ass mausoleum.

norbizness June 10, 2009 at 2:01 pm

Indiobama: There’s a big newt in the plane, Jock.

Jock: Oh, that’s just my pet newt, Gingrich.

Indiobama: I hate newts, Jock! I hate ‘em!

Jock: C’mon, show a little backbone, will ya?

EricSaeger June 10, 2009 at 2:04 pm

He should start lifting up random floor panels to find cool old long-lost shit, like the first Matchbox car, which was the Queen’s Royal Coach and is worth hundreds of Arab dinars or whatever. Or maybe a mummy’s dildo, or Todd Palin’s testeecles.

Ken Layne June 10, 2009 at 2:04 pm

So none of you guys read the alt text, do you?

Mild Midwesterner June 10, 2009 at 2:07 pm

Obama’s hiding in a Middle Eastern cave. This just goes to proove that he is, in fact, a Muslim terrorist!

norbizness June 10, 2009 at 2:08 pm

You’re lucky if we read your demented fanfic.

Min June 10, 2009 at 2:09 pm

Where’s the part where Gingrich starts cracking a whip, and Barry pulls out a pistol and shoots him?

humble pinko June 10, 2009 at 2:10 pm

Nazis! I hate these guys!

Jsab June 10, 2009 at 2:11 pm

I would recommend looking at the rest of the photos if anyone is interested.

Gorillionaire June 10, 2009 at 2:12 pm

I know at least a couple of chicks who are going to totally wank off to that top pic.

american mutt June 10, 2009 at 2:14 pm

Birth certificate, please.
Birth certificate, please.


No birth certificate.

randomsausage June 10, 2009 at 2:14 pm

Who’d be the traitorous monkey? I’m thinking Lieberman.

gurukalehuru June 10, 2009 at 2:17 pm

[re=335834]Ken Layne[/re]: Nope.

gurukalehuru June 10, 2009 at 2:19 pm

Barry O. is the reincarnation of Tutankhamem.

freakishlystrong June 10, 2009 at 2:25 pm

[re=335834]Ken Layne[/re]: Yes, Pope Cat, the fourth one down is hysterical, any photoshopping, hmmmm?

bago June 10, 2009 at 2:27 pm

Ken: You write enough alt-text for two gingers.

assistant/atlas June 10, 2009 at 2:29 pm

[re=335834]Ken Layne[/re]: I do. And it is awesome. And appreciated. (hear that, lazy bones Newell?)

Yes You Can Own A Piece of History June 10, 2009 at 2:30 pm

This kind of sounds like the plot from yesterday’s Sesame Street. Except it wasn’t a golden dildo that Telly was looking for. At least I don’t think it was a dildo he was looking for. Maybe I wasn’t watching close enough.

KristaJulieva June 10, 2009 at 2:34 pm

I had a black studies/history professor who wore that exact same hat. Presumably it’s a black nationalist secret cabal uniform of some sort.

El Pinche June 10, 2009 at 2:34 pm

[re=335834]Ken Layne[/re]: Yes, its like an epic story . “I am the Monarch of the sea! I am the ruler of the–”

choinski June 10, 2009 at 2:37 pm

The Hieroglyph nearest his wristwatch – isn’t that the ancient H’ob A’ M’eh, god of Muslin?

choinski June 10, 2009 at 2:39 pm

[re=335834]Ken Layne[/re]: Um, now i did.

El Pinche June 10, 2009 at 2:39 pm

Raiders quotes & pictures of Barry stomping around in the Middle-East on Wonkette, and all my meetings are canceled this afternoon. There’s a good chance I’m pulling out Mr. Bongle.

WIDTAP June 10, 2009 at 2:40 pm

Economists. Why does it always have to be economists?

Pilate June 10, 2009 at 2:40 pm

Reminds me of that crucial exchange during the third debate.

McCain – “It belongs in a museum!”
Indibama Jones – “So do you!”

magic titty June 10, 2009 at 2:44 pm

[re=335834]Ken Layne[/re]: Ha. Always. That fucking hieroglyphic Barry is beyond hilarious. BUT AS AN AMERICAN I NEED TO KNOW MORE.

twowheeljunkie June 10, 2009 at 2:47 pm

[re=335834]Ken Layne[/re]: What is alt text?

EricSaeger June 10, 2009 at 2:50 pm

[re=335834]Ken Layne[/re]: I don’t know what you mean, but if you’re talking about the little popup thingies cryptically hidden in the jaypegs, I stopped reading them because for the longest time all they ever said was “YES WE CAN.”

Pilate June 10, 2009 at 2:51 pm

Now imagine a world in which Harrison Ford is our current president and Barack Obama, an inconspicuous construction worker, was discovered by George Lucas and went on to star in a series of action blockbusters.

finallyhappy June 10, 2009 at 3:06 pm

[re=335829]Mr Blifil[/re]: oh, my god, yes, it is! He is an ancient god reborn to lead us out of the desert.

The last photo is maybe in Paris? Lighting candles in Notre Dame?

Ken Layne June 10, 2009 at 3:12 pm

[re=335916]EricSaeger[/re]: what?

magic titty June 10, 2009 at 3:15 pm

[re=335954]Ken Layne[/re]: ‘Comment of the day’ nominee?

finallyhappy June 10, 2009 at 3:18 pm

[re=335942]finallyhappy[/re]: I know you won’t beleive me but I did not read the caption on the photoin the official Photo stream- until after I wrote that it was Notre Dame

Pilate June 10, 2009 at 3:27 pm

Barack Obama & The Chrysler Cull?

One Yield Regular June 10, 2009 at 3:46 pm

I dunno. In that first picture I think he looks more like Muley Graves than Indiana Jones. Of course, that perception does nothing to diminish his superpowers.

EricSaeger June 10, 2009 at 3:51 pm

[re=335954]Ken Layne[/re]: Subliminal shit don’t work on this cowpoke, capice?

President Beeblebrox June 10, 2009 at 3:57 pm

This might be my favorite Barry photo of all time.

“I TOLD you, motherfuckers, I GOT THIS. Now FUCK OFF and can the Seekrit Muslin shit before I summon Anubis on your asses. And, by the way, what walks with four legs in the morning, two in the afternoon, and three in the evening?”

takes12no1 June 10, 2009 at 4:20 pm

[re=336016]President Beeblebrox[/re]: Is that a halo on his head?

Zorg June 10, 2009 at 4:31 pm

[re=335823]Uncle Sam[/re]: Two old tourists from Fort Lauderdale watch Rahm ride by on a camel. So, then, one tourist turns to the other and says “That camel was a male.”
“How do you know?” asks the first.
“Because,” his companion explains, “the photographer standing behind me said ‘Check out the shmuck on that camel!’”

June Cleaver 2.0 June 10, 2009 at 5:13 pm

Actually, that’s Barry’s secret tomb. He knew exactly where he was going. His picture is carved just to the right of him.

d4g33z June 10, 2009 at 5:33 pm

[re=335908]magic titty[/re]: Now that is just really funny. Actually, I’m looking for the cartouche (OBAMA).

d4g33z June 10, 2009 at 5:36 pm

[re=335969]magic titty[/re]: Actually, your previous has to Comment of the Century. I recommend everyone study the impossible beauty in it’s simplicity.

Numbat Dundee June 10, 2009 at 6:11 pm

I get the Indiana Jones reference, but whenever I see Barry in a hat like that I think Blazing Saddles.

randomsausage June 10, 2009 at 6:54 pm

[re=336258]Numbat Dundee[/re]: it’s twu, it’s twu

Numbat Dundee June 10, 2009 at 8:39 pm

[re=336308]randomsausage[/re]: There’s nothing random about that sausage. It’s a sausage with serious intent. Twu?

schvitzatura June 10, 2009 at 8:44 pm

All the ghey Hovitos translators got ganked by Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell…if only you spoke Hovitos, Hussein Obama!

assistant/atlas June 11, 2009 at 12:32 am

Whoa, whoa, who put fucking Rahm fucking Emmanuel on a fucking camel? What the fuck?

Come to think of it, Indiana Jones would’ve been a lot better if there was a randomly-cussing, nine-fingered Jew sidekick.

AxmxZ June 11, 2009 at 2:59 am

[re=336510]assistant/atlas[/re]: If Rahm had been in the Indiana Jones movies, Indiana Jones would’ve been the sidekick.

hobospacejunkie June 11, 2009 at 5:13 am

[re=335834]Ken Layne[/re]: I always read the alt-text first, hoping for surprise goodies, like an apple fanboy looking for those goddamn not funny or even half clever easter eggs.

free June 11, 2009 at 5:25 am

Funny, insightful, andway out there. I like to watch the puter. Awesome to have the op. Not sure if I should go and take a reply or leave a reply. Taking one instead or leaving one. Oops. Messed myself. Not easy being snarky. Can’t hold mud. Will try again later.

Mr Blifil June 11, 2009 at 2:38 pm

[re=335834]Ken Layne[/re]: PWNED

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