Barack Obama and the Temple of Doom

A mild-mannered professor in Chicago by day, when adventure calls he returns to his Muslim Homelands to discover mythological treasures and say deadpan witticisms to his Arab and Jewish sidekicks. Barack "Barry" Obama must find the legendary Golden Dildo of Destiny, which will destroy what's left of the evil Republican Nazis, as they will all fall down and worship the Golden Dildo when he lofts it over their combovers during Sonia Sotomayor's confirmation ceremony in the Masonic basement of the National Archives.

Cairo, city of the living. And also, more famously, city of the dead mummy kings. No wait, that is further south, where the pyramids and camels live in an uneasy truce with the occult-crazed Nazis. Barry's clownish sidekicks Rahm Emanuel, Reggie Love and spunky ex-flame Valerie Jarrett ride the "Arab gondolas" to the Great Pyramids, where Barry is finding a secret entrance by consulting his loyal Blackberry.

"And add eight more inches to honor the Hebrew god, and also to make fun of Netanyahu's complete lack of a dick ...."

(IN UNISON: ) "They're digging in the wrong place!"

"I've got a bad feeling about this shit."

"Don't look Malia! Whatever you do, don't open your eyes!"

 White House Photostream [Flickr/Pete Souza]