way better than that crystal skull crap

Barack Obama and the Temple of Doom

This birth certificate belongs in a museum!
A mild-mannered professor in Chicago by day, when adventure calls he returns to his Muslim Homelands to discover mythological treasures and say deadpan witticisms to his Arab and Jewish sidekicks. Barack “Barry” Obama must find the legendary Golden Dildo of Destiny, which will destroy what’s left of the evil Republican Nazis, as they will all fall down and worship the Golden Dildo when he lofts it over their combovers during Sonia Sotomayor’s confirmation ceremony in the Masonic basement of the National Archives.

The Dildo .... If it is there, at Tanis, then it is something that man was not meant to disturb.
Cairo, city of the living. And also, more famously, city of the dead mummy kings. No wait, that is further south, where the pyramids and camels live in an uneasy truce with the occult-crazed Nazis. Barry’s clownish sidekicks Rahm Emanuel, Reggie Love and spunky ex-flame Valerie Jarrett ride the “Arab gondolas” to the Great Pyramids, where Barry is finding a secret entrance by consulting his loyal Blackberry.

'Didn't any of you guys ever go to Sunday school?'
“And add eight more inches to honor the Hebrew god, and also to make fun of Netanyahu’s complete lack of a dick ….”
(IN UNISON:) “They’re digging in the wrong place!”

True Fact: The hieroglyphic figure directly to the right of Obama's wristwatch is OBAMA.
“I’ve got a bad feeling about this shit.”

'I am uncomfortable vis ze idea of zis Jewish ritual.'
“Don’t look Malia! Whatever you do, don’t open your eyes!”

White House Photostream [Flickr/Pete Souza]

About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne
What Others Are Reading

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

64 comments

  1. shortsshortsshorts

    Barry still fails to wear the condom on his head, like those two other golden dildos.

  2. snideinplainsight

    Man, he looks so much better in a cowboy hat, than that other guy. It just goes to show, it’s not what you wear, it’s how you wear it.

  3. Larry Fine

    On his Middle East junket, Obama won’t be playing any pick-up basketball games with those a-rabs, that’s for sure. Those a-rabs can’t play ball. They are good camel jockeys though.

  4. ManchuCandidate

    Indiana Obama and the Last Bailout

    Larry Summers: You could go down in history.
    Indiana Obama: As what? A Wall St stooge like you?
    Larry Summers: Wall St? Is that the limit of your vision? Wall St wants to write themselves into the Grail legend, to buy out the world. Well, they’re welcome to it. But I want the Grail itself, the cup that gives everlasting life to insult chicks. Wall St can have the world, but they can’t take it with them. I’m going to be drinking my own health after he’s gone the way of the Palin.

  5. El Pinche

    when bush went to the middle-east:

    “heheh…do you guys get cartoon channel here? hey hajee, who’s camel do i suck off for a chocolate yoohoo ,heheh”

  6. Texan Bulldoggette

    I don’t know what they’re looking at in the last pic, but the oldest daughter looks like she’s staring at a pile of doggy doo dipped brussel sprouts.

  7. A Harlequin Bromance

    The third picture is obviously the discovery of the long lost birth certificate (He is a secret Muslin!). Teleprompterzzz. Also.

  8. Paterlanger

    If he’s looking for the GDofD shouldn’t he be in Utah where Joseph Smith buried it after he stole if from American Jeebus?

  9. Mr Blifil

    One of those hieroglyphs, the one of a head with giant ears, appears to be a self-portrait. Roland Burrus has nothing on Barry’s kick ass mausoleum.

  10. norbizness

    Indiobama: There’s a big newt in the plane, Jock.

    Jock: Oh, that’s just my pet newt, Gingrich.

    Indiobama: I hate newts, Jock! I hate ‘em!

    Jock: C’mon, show a little backbone, will ya?

  11. EricSaeger

    He should start lifting up random floor panels to find cool old long-lost shit, like the first Matchbox car, which was the Queen’s Royal Coach and is worth hundreds of Arab dinars or whatever. Or maybe a mummy’s dildo, or Todd Palin’s testeecles.

  12. Mild Midwesterner

    Obama’s hiding in a Middle Eastern cave. This just goes to proove that he is, in fact, a Muslim terrorist!

  13. Min

    Where’s the part where Gingrich starts cracking a whip, and Barry pulls out a pistol and shoots him?

  14. Gorillionaire

    I know at least a couple of chicks who are going to totally wank off to that top pic.

  15. american mutt

    Birth certificate, please.
    Birth certificate, please.

    *POW*

    No birth certificate.

  16. freakishlystrong

    [re=335834]Ken Layne[/re]: Yes, Pope Cat, the fourth one down is hysterical, any photoshopping, hmmmm?

  17. assistant/atlas

    [re=335834]Ken Layne[/re]: I do. And it is awesome. And appreciated. (hear that, lazy bones Newell?)

  18. Yes You Can Own A Piece of History

    This kind of sounds like the plot from yesterday’s Sesame Street. Except it wasn’t a golden dildo that Telly was looking for. At least I don’t think it was a dildo he was looking for. Maybe I wasn’t watching close enough.

  19. KristaJulieva

    I had a black studies/history professor who wore that exact same hat. Presumably it’s a black nationalist secret cabal uniform of some sort.

  20. El Pinche

    [re=335834]Ken Layne[/re]: Yes, its like an epic story . “I am the Monarch of the sea! I am the ruler of the–”

  21. choinski

    The Hieroglyph nearest his wristwatch – isn’t that the ancient H’ob A’ M’eh, god of Muslin?

  22. El Pinche

    Raiders quotes & pictures of Barry stomping around in the Middle-East on Wonkette, and all my meetings are canceled this afternoon. There’s a good chance I’m pulling out Mr. Bongle.

  23. Pilate

    Reminds me of that crucial exchange during the third debate.

    McCain – “It belongs in a museum!”
    Indibama Jones – “So do you!”

  24. magic titty

    [re=335834]Ken Layne[/re]: Ha. Always. That fucking hieroglyphic Barry is beyond hilarious. BUT AS AN AMERICAN I NEED TO KNOW MORE.

  25. EricSaeger

    [re=335834]Ken Layne[/re]: I don’t know what you mean, but if you’re talking about the little popup thingies cryptically hidden in the jaypegs, I stopped reading them because for the longest time all they ever said was “YES WE CAN.”

  26. Pilate

    Now imagine a world in which Harrison Ford is our current president and Barack Obama, an inconspicuous construction worker, was discovered by George Lucas and went on to star in a series of action blockbusters.

  27. finallyhappy

    [re=335829]Mr Blifil[/re]: oh, my god, yes, it is! He is an ancient god reborn to lead us out of the desert.

    The last photo is maybe in Paris? Lighting candles in Notre Dame?

  28. finallyhappy

    [re=335942]finallyhappy[/re]: I know you won’t beleive me but I did not read the caption on the photoin the official Photo stream- until after I wrote that it was Notre Dame

  29. One Yield Regular

    I dunno. In that first picture I think he looks more like Muley Graves than Indiana Jones. Of course, that perception does nothing to diminish his superpowers.

  30. President Beeblebrox

    This might be my favorite Barry photo of all time.

    “I TOLD you, motherfuckers, I GOT THIS. Now FUCK OFF and can the Seekrit Muslin shit before I summon Anubis on your asses. And, by the way, what walks with four legs in the morning, two in the afternoon, and three in the evening?”

  31. Zorg

    [re=335823]Uncle Sam[/re]: Two old tourists from Fort Lauderdale watch Rahm ride by on a camel. So, then, one tourist turns to the other and says “That camel was a male.”
    “How do you know?” asks the first.
    “Because,” his companion explains, “the photographer standing behind me said ‘Check out the shmuck on that camel!’”

  32. June Cleaver 2.0

    Actually, that’s Barry’s secret tomb. He knew exactly where he was going. His picture is carved just to the right of him.

  33. d4g33z

    [re=335908]magic titty[/re]: Now that is just really funny. Actually, I’m looking for the cartouche (OBAMA).

  34. d4g33z

    [re=335969]magic titty[/re]: Actually, your previous has to Comment of the Century. I recommend everyone study the impossible beauty in it’s simplicity.

  35. Numbat Dundee

    I get the Indiana Jones reference, but whenever I see Barry in a hat like that I think Blazing Saddles.

  36. Numbat Dundee

    [re=336308]randomsausage[/re]: There’s nothing random about that sausage. It’s a sausage with serious intent. Twu?

  37. schvitzatura

    All the ghey Hovitos translators got ganked by Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell…if only you spoke Hovitos, Hussein Obama!

  38. assistant/atlas

    Whoa, whoa, who put fucking Rahm fucking Emmanuel on a fucking camel? What the fuck?

    Come to think of it, Indiana Jones would’ve been a lot better if there was a randomly-cussing, nine-fingered Jew sidekick.

  39. AxmxZ

    [re=336510]assistant/atlas[/re]: If Rahm had been in the Indiana Jones movies, Indiana Jones would’ve been the sidekick.

  40. hobospacejunkie

    [re=335834]Ken Layne[/re]: I always read the alt-text first, hoping for surprise goodies, like an apple fanboy looking for those goddamn not funny or even half clever easter eggs.

  41. free

    Funny, insightful, andway out there. I like to watch the puter. Awesome to have the op. Not sure if I should go and take a reply or leave a reply. Taking one instead or leaving one. Oops. Messed myself. Not easy being snarky. Can’t hold mud. Will try again later.

Comments are closed.