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This birth certificate belongs in a museum!
A mild-mannered professor in Chicago by day, when adventure calls he returns to his Muslim Homelands to discover mythological treasures and say deadpan witticisms to his Arab and Jewish sidekicks. Barack “Barry” Obama must find the legendary Golden Dildo of Destiny, which will destroy what’s left of the evil Republican Nazis, as they will all fall down and worship the Golden Dildo when he lofts it over their combovers during Sonia Sotomayor’s confirmation ceremony in the Masonic basement of the National Archives.

The Dildo .... If it is there, at Tanis, then it is something that man was not meant to disturb.
Cairo, city of the living. And also, more famously, city of the dead mummy kings. No wait, that is further south, where the pyramids and camels live in an uneasy truce with the occult-crazed Nazis. Barry’s clownish sidekicks Rahm Emanuel, Reggie Love and spunky ex-flame Valerie Jarrett ride the “Arab gondolas” to the Great Pyramids, where Barry is finding a secret entrance by consulting his loyal Blackberry.

'Didn't any of you guys ever go to Sunday school?'
“And add eight more inches to honor the Hebrew god, and also to make fun of Netanyahu’s complete lack of a dick ….”
(IN UNISON:) “They’re digging in the wrong place!”

True Fact: The hieroglyphic figure directly to the right of Obama's wristwatch is OBAMA.
“I’ve got a bad feeling about this shit.”

'I am uncomfortable vis ze idea of zis Jewish ritual.'
“Don’t look Malia! Whatever you do, don’t open your eyes!”

White House Photostream [Flickr/Pete Souza]

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