Wonkette
Oh right! Today is a very important day in Rhode Island history, because it commemorates the occasion 237 years ago when a bunch of Rhode Island nuts totally stuck it to the man and shot a British captain, IN THE GROIN, with a musket ball. (Then they burned his ship down.) It was among the very first incidents of truly violent colonial insurrection against the British, and of course the attack on the British trade-monitoring schooner Gaspee was led by a band of piratical (and likely drunk) Rhode Islanders who were just sick of having some Teabag all up in their business, inspectin’ their cargos for contraband.
Ah, such a wonderful story! The Gaspee was stationed in Narragansett Bay, harassing everybody who just wanted to bring their slaves to Newport in peace, and the governor of Rhode Island kept sending letters to the Admiral of the British Navy saying “Hey who is this harasser? He will not show us his papers, so we have no idea who he is! Perhaps he is a pirate! Papers, please!”
(This is funny to anyone who has ever encountered a Rhode Island bureaucrat, because to this very day they carry on the proud tradition of demanding papers, in triplicate, before you can participate in any process more formal than taking a leak.)
Anyhow, the British just ignored all this hollering from the dumb Rhode Islanders, until one day a leetle ship in Narragansett Bay refused to be boarded and inspected by the odious British captain Dudingston (that was his actual name, like a Disney villain!) and instead led the Gaspee around the Bay until it got stuck on a sand bar.
And that night, under cover of darkness, a bunch of prominent Rhode Island locals cleverly disguised themselves in Indian costumes, rowed out to the ship, shot Dudingston in the balls, got everybody off the ship, and burned that motherfucker down to the waterline. It was spectacular! In the aftermath, nobody said that they had heard or seen a thing and the British were never able to make an arrest.
So in commemoration of this wonderful anarchist event led by elites against an imperial power, you can go down to the Rhode Island statehouse today and hold one of those teabagging parties. Go Galt!
Remember the Gaspee [The Corner]
Gaspee Virtual Archives
I say they waterboard the RI governor until he tells who did it.
DUDES THIS ARTICLE JUST INSPIRED ME TO SHOOT MY BOSS IN THE BALLS. THIS IS NOT GOOD. I NEED SOME HELP OVER HERE. I’m gonna have to burn the fucker down. OH GOD OH GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE?
I’m thinking Dudington certainly lived up to his name after getting shot in the balls.
I can always count on Wonkette for a great story.
What won’t the National Review Online exploit to further it’s agenda? What’s next? Will they advocate some Paultardian nostalgia for the Articles of Confederation???
I looked forward to burning the Republican party down to the waterline after shooting Rush in the groin. It will be a grand day for Rhode Island.
I like that the pirate insurrections began in Rhode Island, the only East Coast state that begins in arrrrrrrrrgh.
I don’t believe this story; nothing interesting has ever happened in Rhode Island.
Just never shoot anyone in the balls while you are teabagging them, or you’ll end up with a bullet in your upper palate and the flow of blood will likely feel like a waterboarding. Forewarned is forearmed, people.
Capt. Dudington would later be taunted by the affixing of a false set of testicles to the stern of his new boat, dubbed “Frigate Nutz.”
“As I was standing myself to oppose them, and making a stroke with my sword, at the man who was attempting to come up, at that instant I found myself disabled in my left arm and shot through the groin. I then stepped from the gunwale with an intention to order them to retire to close quarters, but soon saw that most of them were knocked down and myself twice, after telling them I was mortally wounded. They damned me and said I was not wounded; if I was, my own people had done it.</i”
Damn, Rhode Island-ers. That’s fucking harsh.
“We said yo’ship, yo’ship, yo’ship is on fy-uh. You don’t need no testes, now let this muthafuckah burn. Burn, muthafuckah- burn.”
And sadly, Rhode Island was never that cool again.
The end.
What an awesome story! Why weren’t we all taught about this in school? Imagine how much more interesting history class would have been had more events involving shots to the groin been presented.
According to the website, there were “pressed seamen” aboard.
That’s all I got.
InsidiousTuna: Wah-wah-waaaaaaaah. I suck.
InsidiousTuna:
Oh, even better. He was shot in the crotch by his own men. There’s a hidden story there, for sure.
Butters! Shooting guys in the dick is not cool!
Rhode Island: The Somalia of the 1700’s
ManchuCandidate: His full name was William the Dudester Dudareeno McDude Dudingston. He was not a dud, he was a dude, and he was mad at Rhode Island because it pissed on his rug.
And then they all went out for a coupla slicesa peetzer.
“Rhode Island nuts totally stuck it to the man and shot a British captain, IN THE GROIN, “
Thus inspiring the original State Motto:
Rhode Island; Whittling Truck Nutz since 1772.
In the canonical beliefs of Flying Spaghetti Monsterism, pirates are divine beings and a lack of them is causing global warming.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flying_Spaghetti_Monster
Forewarned is forearmed.
They dressed up like indians? Thereafter, in dowtown Narragansett, women clutched their purses when both hands when an Indian passed, and couples out for a stroll switched to the other side of the street when they saw one approaching. One woman even claimed two indians stuffed her and her daughter in the trunk of a carriage.
Please by all means check the poetry links on the Gaspee site, many of them were ghostwritten by John Ashcroft;
Time was of the essence.
High tide would float her off.
Eight large dories were assembled
And tied to Fenner’s Wharf.
It was no mob of hooligans
That met that very night,
But the leaders of the town itself.
All ready for a fight!
With holstered pistols — muskets, too,
A. Whipple led the team
And soon the British tormentors
Would hear our eagles scream! [...]
Terry: I’m pretty sure we had to read about the Great Gaspee in school. And by read, I mean sleep through the movie for three class periods. But I don’t remember Robert Redford getting shot in the balls.
Screw teabaggin, just blow em right off!
They then heroically dumped all the coffee milk into the sea. And thereafter, the Swamp Yankee* was born
*actual self-applied name for southern Rhode Islanders
There’s nothing like a little firewater to bring out the patriot in all of us.
“…led the Gaspee around the bay until it got stuck on a sand bar.” The original low speed chase.
They shoulda shot him in the byoo-tocks, Ensign Pulver style.
What is this about, again?
ph7: You skipped o’er the next part, it’s even better:
“The fearless oarsmens’ calls to fight
Rang off the wharfside walls.
“Me Hearties! There’s the skipper!
Lets shoot him in the balls!”
shot thru the nuts
RI to blame
they gave teabaggin’ a
bad name
That sounds like an extreme version of the game we played in grade school where we’d go up to someone, say, “Take a bow,” and give them a three-finger flick in the nuts.
I guess we should have called it a Dudingston.
Fun History Fact!
Captain Dudingston survived the musket ball ball blast and went on to become a reasonably famous female impersonator. He was so good in fact that George Washington once purposed marriage to Dodington after a particularly naughty performance. Dudingston, rather than try to explain that it was an act to young George, just lifted up his bloomers and showed Washington the mangled remains of his British genitalia. George never fully recovered from the incident and for the rest of his life never could look upon a completely naked woman. Poor Martha Washington always had to keep her bloomers on and do it in the dark.
The NRO: If no Islamos were involved, then it wasn’t terrorism.
Interesting historical note: Son of Liberty Von Bulow first tried injecting Dudingston with insulin, but the coma did not take hold.
JMP: Not true. I got my ass kicked by a Pawtucket cop once.
Speaking of tea-bagging (as no one has for, what, several months now?), does anyone know how that 9/11 commemorative tea-bagging protest is coming along?
So where does the Magic Clam of Quahog fit into this?
JMP: Ahem. Buddy C.?
snideinplainsight: That had to be written by a local, since “wharf” rhymes with “off.”
Noodle Salad: Fucking. Genius.
Shit, the next thing we know, the Corner is going to encourage people to converge on Pittsburgh with bottles of moonshine to re-enact the Whiskey Rebellion. They could even do a ceremonial tarring and feathering of George Washington for the lulz.
JMP: No wai - H.P. Lovecraft’s “The Shunned House” and “The Case of Charles Dexter Ward” clearly state that there are plenty of eldritch, ageless, evil things lurking under the streets of Providence, like Shub-Niggurath and Dick Cheney’s heart.
What does the R.I. State Dept. of Retahdation think about this?
And Rhode Islanders have been shouting “Get yer hands off my contraband” ever since.
Since you slackers post so many Lil Rhodie stories - are you just bored or are a bunch of you from this old pirates nest? ARRRRRR.
So you’re telling us Rhode Island being overrun with mafiosi isn’t a new thing?
Come here a minute: “His full name was William the Dudester Dudareeno McDude Dudingston.” Why didn’t you just say, “Dame Noonington’s cousin”?
Wow, lots of fellow Rodialn’ahs here. We learned about this back in school as a kid, just not quite this way. And, what trip to lil’ Rhody would be complete without getting your ass kicked by a Pawtucket cop, an E.P. cop or a Warwick cop. I do miss the tough Providence cops though. They just don’t have that rage that they used to back in the Buddy days.
So, I the recession is hitting my old home state hard so I’d like to take this moment to remind you all that prostitution is legal in Rhode Island. Please visit!
bago: Was wondering when someone would make the first “Family Guy” reference. You win!
They have got to decide whether they are pirates, indians or anarchists. They can’t be all three.
Cape Clod:
dude, you forgot the most essential option: ninja.
Said one anarchist, “King George is wicked retahded”.
PolicyWhore: Ohhh yeah… Gotta love those old Providence cops! The way they always seemed to start mini-riots outside of Club Babyhead and Lupo’s was pure inspired genius!
Why is it that all the best stories about American Patriotism [(TM) & (C) Fox News] involve alcohol and guns?
PolicyWhore: I believe RI also has debtors’ prisons, so be careful with the credit cards!
Zhu Bajie
Anyone else think this sounds like the plot of a “Family Guy” episode? One where Peter shoots Dudingston in the balls, and the guy just bends over and goes “oooowwwwww” for about three minutes straight?
Shot in groin, then fathered 4 kids, Dudingston = Balls of steel.
True hero to the Royal Navy.
spalding: I think in colonial days, “groin” meant anything below the nipples and above the knees.
This is one of the reasons why I love Rhode Island. We need to do this kind of thing more often.