EXOTICISTS  11:53 am June 9, 2009

Obama Loves Fancy Imports, Such As Dijon Mustard And Terrorists

by Sara K. Smith

Fan of exotic headgears and foodstuffsPresident Obama, in addition to his many duties as Illegitimate Muslin Overlord of the United States, runs a secret and lucrative sideline business importing the international meat delicacy known as “Guantanamo Bay manflesh.” His first import arrived in New York this week, and John Boehner does not like this one bit.

Quoth the Orange Crusader in a statement:

This is the first step in the Democrats’ plan to import terrorists into America. Without a plan to close the prison at Guantanamo Bay, the Administration has made the decision to begin transferring these terrorists into the United States, in spite of the overwhelming opposition of the American people and serious questions from Members of Congress of both parties. There are more than 200 of the world’s most dangerous men held at the Guantanamo Bay prison. Does the Administration plan to transfer all of them into our nation in this way? Do they plan to give them the same legal rights as the American people? Just what is the Administration’s plan for closing this prison?

It is terribly sinister of President Obama to be importing African embassy-bombing terrorists such as Ahmed Ghailani to be tried in New York, where all the other African embassy-bombing terrorists have already been tried. Are there not many other embassies for him to bomb, right near the courthouse, which are easily reachable with his Terrorist Mind-Rays? This man, after all, is “a diminutive master forger and facilitator for Al Qaeda known as ‘Foopie,’” and if there is one thing we have learned in the War on Terror it is not to fuck with people named Foopie.

Boehner: Obama “Importing” Terrorists [First Read]
Al Qaeda’s Ahmed Khalfan Ghailani transferred from Guantanamo to stand trial for embassy bombings [New York Daily News]

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queeraselvis v 2.0 June 9, 2009 at 11:58 am

So, the real important question here is: Is Foopie a furry? A FUPA? The American people need ANSWERS, dammit!

rereridiculous June 9, 2009 at 11:58 am

I answer in question form questions I’m going to ask? What is my plan for answering these questions?

Dog Trombone June 9, 2009 at 11:59 am

But it should be fine to fuck with someone named Boehner.

BillyClubb June 9, 2009 at 11:59 am

There are more than 200 of the world’s most dangerous men held at the Guantanamo Bay prison.

World’s most dangerous?! Ever taken a look at National Geographic’s prison documentaries? Those guys redefine the word ‘scary’.

AggieDemocrat June 9, 2009 at 12:00 pm

You know, if we sent Boehner to Gitmo he could work on his tan a lot better.

AnnieGetYourFun June 9, 2009 at 12:00 pm

I thought transferring the alleged terrorists to actual prisons, and possibly trying them, was PART of the plan to close the prison at Guantanamo Bay. Was I mistaken?

nappyduggs June 9, 2009 at 12:00 pm

Dear John Boner: Please do not be so jealous that Hopey is setting up all kinds of sexy covert ops for the Dems while all you Repubes have is Tonya Harding acting as a consultant on how to jack poor Maria in the kneecaps everytime she tries to get on or off a plane. You stink of sour grapes, poopy pants, and the stupidity.

rambone June 9, 2009 at 12:01 pm

No wonder I’ve been feeling so insecure and anxious lately.

NewSpence June 9, 2009 at 12:02 pm

I love that the Republican Party is now governed by Don Knotts.

The Church of Realism June 9, 2009 at 12:05 pm

Save a home grown Amurkin terrorists job, vote no on importing terrorists. We must protect our terrorism industry, wake up sheeple!!. Skadoosh…

bumfug June 9, 2009 at 12:07 pm

[re=334730]NewSpence[/re]: Don Knotts? More like Hedley Lamarr.

S.Luggo June 9, 2009 at 12:09 pm

Leather-face is now calling for a stiff tariff on islamo-terror fascists. So, John, where are your fucking free market principles now?

x111e7thst June 9, 2009 at 12:11 pm

From NY
To Boner
Subj No one here gives a shit


charlesdegoal June 9, 2009 at 12:12 pm

Does this Mr. Boehner see Mohammedan angels staggering on tenement roofs illuminated? He should lay off the stuff.

bitchincamaro June 9, 2009 at 12:13 pm

Oh to see that buck-toothed fascist in chains in a Manhattan dungeon, and hosed to within an inch of his terror-mongering life.

Wait. Sorry, I mis-read that as Giuliani.

A thousand curses.

x111e7thst June 9, 2009 at 12:16 pm

[re=334739]bitchincamaro[/re]: The generally accepted locution is “cross dressing,ferret hating fascist” but buck toothed is also good.

WhatTheHeck June 9, 2009 at 12:17 pm

Terrarists shoot lightning bolts outa their ass.
This causes mass hysteria among those predisposed to republicanism.
Please, Obama, reconsider the side effects of closing Gitmo.

magic titty June 9, 2009 at 12:18 pm

[re=334726]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: Hahaha. Stop making sense please.

prizepig June 9, 2009 at 12:28 pm

Don Knotts (as Barney Fife) always struck me as a Paultard. Alarmist, overly earnest, unmarried, middle age man who sees conspiracy and disaster behind every corner. Occasionally, drunk on his own imaginary sense of power, he’ll say of do something ridiculous. But, for the most part, he’s good-natured, amusingly impotent and completely harmless.

JMP June 9, 2009 at 12:28 pm

Prisons cannot hold the terrorists! We all remember how, despite his plastic prison, the terrorist Eric Lehnsherr was able to escape when his compatriot injected iron shavings into his blood. Even the best-designed normal prison cannot be trusted to hold these terrorists; at the repeated breakouts from the Raft and Arkham Asylum.

That is why, despite you liberals’ so-called legalities, we must continue to hold the terrorists at the extra-dimensional Facility 42 in the Negative Zone. It is the only place that will keep us safe from them. Oh, what’s that you say? These terrorists don’t actually have super powers? And Blaastar has taken over 42, and is using the portal to have his army invade the Earth? Well, oops.

Hooray For Anything June 9, 2009 at 12:29 pm

I don’t understand why they wouldn’t want terrorists thrown into American Prisons because it wouldn’t be long before some Nazi Skinhead beats the shit out of them and some big lug named Bubba makes them their bitch and does all sorts of nasty things to them in the shower. It’s like Dick Cheney’s dream come true except he won’t be able to masturbate to the video this time around.

widget09 June 9, 2009 at 12:32 pm

If I had a name like boner, I’d try to keep a low profile (you say bay-ner, I say Boner). I think I would be more worried about the antifreeze toothpaste and lead paint from China, random ecoli and salmonella outbreaks. Boner makes it seem like we are going to give them pilot training, $50,000 and tickets to Disneyland. Fear mongering is all the right has left. We have nothing to fear but fear itself.

Advocatus_Diaboli June 9, 2009 at 12:32 pm

If any place can handle teh terrists, it’s NYC. I mean, really, they’ve got Rudy 9ui11ni there. He knows how to handle -

oh, wait. Nevermind.

Johnny Zhivago June 9, 2009 at 12:32 pm

Next thing you know, Osama Bin Laden is going to be CEO of GM….

Studge June 9, 2009 at 12:35 pm

If Boehner was the Minority Whip, would his nickname be Orange Whip?

dijetlo June 9, 2009 at 12:37 pm

I wish John Boehner would sprout a pair of testicles and stop getting the vapors every time they mention “terrorists”, it’s embarrassing.
Listen conservatives, the world thinks we’re a pack of gutless mommas boys because you are a pack of gutless mommas boys and you wont get off the TV. If you must continue to put your complete lack of courage on display for the world to see, reach down and grasp the portion of your trousers that would normally contain your stones (if you had any) and pretend you’re holding something other than your microphallus and a dripping vag, OK?
People have died for this country, for the love of Jeebus try to MAN UP before you embarrass their memory further. 18 year old girls have made the ultimate sacrifice, for their sakes, can you at least try to be a little fucking brave? Can you show an iota of the courage they had and stop wetting yourself every time the word “terrorist” comes up?

Blender June 9, 2009 at 12:38 pm

Don Knotts was the quintissential closeted gay nerd of the 50′s, the kind that got rounded up by the fuzz in cheesy south florida “men’s clubs.”

And I knew the moment the terrorist landed in NYC because that was the moment my colon exploded, 3000 miles away. My colon knows these things, and much more.

bitchincamaro June 9, 2009 at 12:41 pm

[re=334777]dijetlo[/re]: When they hear “Foopie”, they get all “poopie”.

hobospacejunkie June 9, 2009 at 12:48 pm

The “overwhelming opposition of the American people” exists only in the gin-soaked brain of Rep. Boner, The Human Crying Jag.

bago June 9, 2009 at 12:52 pm

They do not with to foment the desire of the renegade groups such as al-gebra and al-dente.

hobospacejunkie June 9, 2009 at 12:56 pm

[re=334787]bago[/re]: And vagina dentata

azw88 June 9, 2009 at 1:03 pm

[re=334731]The Church of Realism[/re]: Indeed. Look at all of those out-of-work or soon-to-be out-of-work auto workers, they need jobs! Time for a GI-type bill to re-train them, why not train them in the finer art of blowing shit up?! Hell, there is gonna be a shitload of empty factories that need to be razed.

Seriously, they blow shit up, and in response the military comes in, guns and bombs a blazing and blowing up even more shit, then a prolonged occupation by US troops of the (formerly) industrialized parts of the US, then a Marshall-type plan for Detroit et al. Its a win-win-win situation.
-unemployed workers get a new skill (make em suicide bombers and you keep more people employed through attrition)

-The military gets a new deployment w/o all those frequent-flier miles

-We get rid of all those ugly factories and it all gets rebuilt!

Dick Cheney is coming in his pants just thinking about it!

Wrongavore June 9, 2009 at 1:04 pm

Y’all are a bunch of Mus-tards.

Come here a minute June 9, 2009 at 1:07 pm


Um, unless I missed the verdict on those trials you’re having there, John.

Min June 9, 2009 at 1:15 pm

[re=334726]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: Logic. It is a difficult concept.

El Pinche June 9, 2009 at 1:19 pm

[re=334787]bago[/re]: conservatives hate al-Gebra! MATH AND EDUDJKATION IS LIKE THE DIJON MUSTARD OF WIDDLIN!

WIDTAP June 9, 2009 at 1:21 pm

[re=334777]dijetlo[/re]: For the last time, sir, I require you to get the hell out my head. Your habit of putting all of my thoughts into print in a manner better than I am able to compose is both creepy, and somehow sexually arousing. Stop it.

El Pinche June 9, 2009 at 1:21 pm

[re=334806]Min[/re]: Yes, they all get it, but remember their mission. Obama must fail.

sweet old bob June 9, 2009 at 1:30 pm

You know, I wrote an email to John Boehner some time ago asking him to please keep his thoughts to himself. Oddly enough he continues to speak out on anything he can put a far-right quarter-brained twist on. This has not shown him in the best light, nor has he bested Rush or Newt in their ability to spout ’30s Father Coughlin type speech. How embarrassing can he get?

Min June 9, 2009 at 1:44 pm

[re=334829]sweet old bob[/re]: That’s a dangerous question, bob.

gjdodger June 9, 2009 at 1:46 pm

Lend me your bomb.
Oh! You’re the lynchiest!

finallyhappy June 9, 2009 at 1:53 pm

yeah, what is it with his tan?? Does he have a tanning bed in his house?- because his wife has that overtanned thing hear round too.

rereridiculous June 9, 2009 at 2:03 pm

[re=334769]Johnny Zhivago[/re]: I heard Ford liked his view on the Jews so much, they offered him a job in HR.

Mad Farmer Manifest June 9, 2009 at 2:04 pm

200 of the most dangerous people on Earth? How can a Republican imprisonment fetishist be so unaware of how many dangerous Americans are in jail? Easy to lose track when they are mixed in with a shitload of non-violent drug offenders. There are everyday average Americans that live in my county who are way more dangerous than some Afghani kid who thought the Taliban made a good job offer.

I’ve never understood why American are so afraid of terrorism. We’ve got so many guns that I’m not so concerned about it. Crazy Americans are a bigger and more proximal threat than crazy Muslims.

bamaboy June 9, 2009 at 2:21 pm

Hopey shouldn’t have asked congress. He shoulda packed the prisoners into a couple of C-140′s and sent ‘em to a Federal prison his first week in office.

Try ‘em or send ‘em back where they came from, just like he said when he ran for office.

The Station Manager June 9, 2009 at 2:32 pm

My Fellow Americans, do we really want all these Muslin Terrorists working at our 7/11s, selling bomb-laden hot dogs to our obese children?

GDTRFB June 9, 2009 at 2:36 pm

Do terrorists enter the US market “duty free”? If not then we need a Free Trade Agreement with Cuba STAT that covers terrorists.

Dean Booth June 9, 2009 at 5:49 pm

“200 of the world’s most dangerous men” = Republicans in Congress

Jukesgrrl June 9, 2009 at 10:21 pm

Isn’t “Foopie” Brigitte Nielsen’s pet name for Flavor Flav? Is he a terrorist? I KNOW she is.

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