Wonkette
One year ago yesterday minus a day, John McCain delivered the speech of the century to a small smattering of embittered retirees haunting an abandoned Bingo hall in Louisiana. Meanwhile, a young upstart Muslin named Hussein “Barack” Obama cast a sorcerer’s spell over a large crowd of innocents in St. Paul and told them that yes, he would be their nominee for Preznet if they insisted. Do you remember, America? Do you remember the terrible death-rictus stretched across John McCain’s crumbling skull as he uttered the immortal words, “That’s nnnnot ch-ch-cha-chaaange you can bb-huh-lieve in”? Let’s celebrate this milestone anniversary and laugh again.
Whatever happened to that guy, anyway? How does he feel about this Mexican judge and stuff?
The last I heard, this John fellow was shaking his fist and yelling at the clouds. He has a daughter, I think, who is pro sexy or something.
He’s got a joke he tells about Maria the mexican judge — it ends with, “Who was that magnificent ape?”
Remember? I haven’t been able to stomach cottage cheese and green jello since!
Eegghh?!
ahhh, what could have been…
Just the thought of what a McCain presidency would look like makes me want to get a cave in the hills.
Oh, and today’s also the anniversary of Bobby Kennedy’s assassination.
What’s up with old dude’s jaw?
It’s like watching Nancy Reagan in bad man drag trying to not completely decompose in front of the camera. Also, you have stinky poo pants, Walnuts, as well.
I remember all of the pundits saying how “unfair” it was to compare McCain’s oratory to Obama’s. A year later, it is safe to say that WALNUTS managed to stink on his own merits.
And that opening pander to the PUMAS was just…priceless. How did that work out for ya, Johnny?
Only 367 days. It seems like FIVE AND A HALF YEARS!
I’ve seen him somewhere before. I predict great things in the future for whatshisname. Great things like a fast food franchise that features predigested food and candy that’s stuck together with lint.
8:13-ish in is that line.
Thanks to SKS’s liveblog and my math.
Give the guy a break. New Orleans is a hot, humid, poor, destroyed-by-violence swam. Poor guy thought he was back in Nam.
I would like to take a moment to thank those members of the American public–and you know who you are–for not electing this man president. I owe you one.
Remind me when it’s the anniversary of the day he got lost on stage. That was glorious.
“How does he feel about this Mexican judge and stuff?”
He thinks she plasters on makeup like a trollop, the cunt.
Why do we care what the guy says? He’s only famous because his daughter is Meghan McCain.
Min: zzzzzzzzzip
I seem to recall he was going to Washington to save our economy and then…poof! Gone! So my best guess would be he’s inside the event horizon of the conservative black hole that ate our houses, jobs and money.
Or he could be trolling elementary schools in a daddy pedo bear costume and that’s why nobodies seen him. Anything is possible with these people
Mostly I remember him calling someone a “cunt”. Happy times.
ah, I forgot he was going for that female voter/Hillary angle.
FAIL.
Was this the time that he threatened to put his wife in the topless contest?
For Gawd’s sake, two-paragraphs and a video about Senator John S. McCain and you didn’t mention HE’S A WAR HERO!!1!!! You’re fired, Sara K. Smith (probably a Muslin, most certainly a Socialist, and while we’re on the subject, where’s YOUR birth certificate?).
“Make the future better than the past.”
OMG WHY DOES HE HATE REAGAN?!?!?!?!!!1?!1?!?!!
You’ve gotta love the logic of these four sentences. “Our disgraceful failure to [deliver hot water to babies, etc.] here in New Orleans exposed the incompetence of government at all levels to meet even its most basic responsibilities. The wrong change looks, not to the future, but to the past for solutions that have failed us before and will surely fail us again. You know, I have a few years on my opponent, so I’m surprised that a young man has bought into so many failed ideas. Like others before him, he seems to think government is the answer to every problem.” Like looking back to September 2005 for solutions, right? In other words, buy your own helicopter before the next levee failure, suckers, because the government ain’t making and commitments it can’t keep next time.
Thank you and grood evening. Oh, those were terrifying times…even before it became as terrifying as contemplating President Sarah Palin
19kevin8: What a curious place to keep your “I Voted” sticker.
Completely [i]apropos[/i]: Turns out that Bill’s balls killed Bill.
http://abcnews.go.com/Health/story?id=7764618&page=1
And didn’t he claim that if he lost the election he would serve out his term and retire to Arizona? LIAR!
Did he ever restart his campaign or is he still waiting for someone to fix the economy?
Before he was even done pronouncing “New Or-Le-Ans” in that old-timey, swinging a pocket watch cadence, he lost. We could have saved a lot of time.
Min: I was gonna get it tattooed on, but I ran out of room after “I V-”
John McCain “hates war”? What does Peggy Noonan think about this, and what about the “intensely human” time he spent in Hanoi?
As we skate closely by the Abyss That Might Have Been, let us offer a gift of moisture to placate the Volcano Gods: a spit or maybe a golden shower or something.
You expect me to watch a 21-minute video of Walnuts? Can’t you just summarize it in a nonsensical political cartoon?
367 days, 1 job, approx. 1,000 shots of Jamieson and a bitchy ex-girlfriend later…. I still hate this man. But I wanna bang his daughter. Speaking of hate fucking…anybody seen how worked up a little Playboy article got Malkin?
http://michellemalkin.com/2009/06/03/this-is-what-feminism-looks-like/
Kev-O-Tron: I’d think hate-fucking is the only kind Malkin has ever experienced.
It’s not fair for us to celebrate an event for which he has not the faintest recollection.
chascates: She probably has a Nazi fetish. I’m picturing her in tall boots with slim fitting riding pants and a stern looking cap.
Back to Walnuts: I feel a little (tiny) bit sorry for the man. In 2000, when I was younger and less-informed, I liked his campaign and considered voting for him. This campaign transformed him from forgettable, sarcastic Senator from Arizona to crotchety, bitter, entitled, rich asshole.
I still want to know the staffer that said “yeah put a green screen behind the old pasty white dude, it’ll look great”. The energy at those McCain rallies……unforgettable.
That was 21 minutes of my life I wasted a year ago. If you post this again next year, we can get up to an entire hour of my life.
I still don’t know what was supposed to be on that green screen. Amber waves of grain?
Anyway, the economy is still fundamentally sound so we are all fine.
Kev-O-Tron: What is Michelle Malkin doing reading Playboy? I thought that magazine was for evil doers, or the articles.
Kev-O-Tron: Aw, I thought you and the ex were getting along? Sorry to … read it.
Ah, yes… talkin’ ’bout his g-g-g-generation. Them was the real good times.
This was probably the most memorable moment of the campaign for me. I’m sorry but none of Hopey’s speeches, not even the glory of election night, compared to the entertainment value the green screen of death provided.
I just remember sitting there that night…looking at the terrible background, with the terrible slogan, and hearing him repeat this awful school boy taunt and realizing that we really had a chance at this thing.
He never did figure out how to smile properly. Poor guy.
Kev-O-Tron: Yawn. Malkin is so 2005, ping-pong balls and everything.
Sorry, be the real celebration should be to commemorate the beginning of the Colbert Green Screen Challenge and the fun that John McCain afforded us by agreeing to record his speech in front of a green screen!
I always knew that was the green screen of DEATH.
Gah, I didn’t rewatch the video but I seem to remember how the crowd wasn’t sure how to react to his tag line,”That’s not chaaange we can belive in! Hengh, engh!”
Boo? Applaud? No one was sure.
Hehehehheh.
OMG I fucking forgot about this thing! WIN!
Mr Blifil: “It’s not fair for us to celebrate an event for which he has not the faintest recollection.”
I believe it’s his friend Miss Lindsey’s job to remind him. She’s no rocket scientist, but she’s not yet taking Aricept.
Johnny should not have told New Orleans that he was a FEMAnist. I know it’s his missus that lost a ten-rounder to a pill bottle, but doesn’t John seem to have a very Valley-of-the-Dolls-mosey-in-and-out-of-the-moment quality, too? I guess if you have enough money, life is reality optional.
McNuggets has just qualified for a Medicare-paid donut for his sitz bath. McAged would be happy if he had not spent an entire politcal career warning of the dangers of the Welfare State (the inflatable donut) to existence of a free-market economy (his bleeding rectal polyps). But you can’t get everything that you want. No.
After seeing that, I can’t help but wonder why the November election wasn’t a complete shutout.
EdFlinstone: I think you mean “Undetectable.”
My friend. Also. Youbetcha.
I hit “Play” with a vague notion that I had never seen anything but excerpts from this speech and wondered why. After slightly more than FIVE AND A HALF MINUTES (5:50 to be exact) I had to stop. The Chinese-water-torture dullness of the wording and the speech’s entire intellectual bankruptcy are only brought out more by McCain’s flat uncomprehending delivery. I am sooooo glad he lost after seeing that. Having him as president would’ve been like getting crop dusted with stupid every single damn day.
…and Sarah…also.
After viewing this tortured mess, it’s amazing, that anyone in this country voted for this fraud. It shows how gullible, and imbittered many people are!
AnnieGetYourFun: If by “getting along” you mean “I wanna push her down a staircase” than yes, we are getting along famously.
Bruno: The really funny part is that it was a typical Playboy publicity stunt that was decried by everyone as rather tasteless. It was a list of conservative women you’d like to hatefuck. A feminist writer called it trashy and sexist but singled out Malkin and basically said she brings that kind of invective on herself. I sincerely hope that hurt Shelly’s feelings to the core. She needs something to bring her down to earth.
All of this is just a politics. If baby will wait for the water brought by these people then they will never drink water till their death.
It’s *torture* to have to listen to old McDouche bag again. You could have spared up & told us to tune in @ 8:14 in the vid.
He reminds me of Gramdpa Simpson… Eeeeeeeeeh I’m tooooo ooold.
Go take a nap ya old coot. The Stepford wife Cindy lou has had enough– she’s partying it up in Dubai.
The more I think about the consequences of that Walnut getting elected, the more I think the US would have become Zimbabwe II. Plus throw in a couple more wars.
In a future illustrated dictionary, the term “awkward” will have a video of John McCain attached to it. Ah, our grand-children shall look back and smile knowingly.
Gawd, I can’t stomach this. I tried.. I tried.. but I.just.can’t.get.thru.it.again…
Oy vey. I’d almost forgotten how condescending and sing-song he sounded when giving a speech. Thanks, Wonkette! I’ll have my Silkwood shower before.
Was he still alive?
I keep pausing it to let it buffer, and all I can think of is The English Patient. Was he badly burned in one of his 14,000 plane crashes?
And as much fun as it was to be in the XCel Center for Barry’s speech that night, it was just unholy torture to have to watch this on the jumbotron.