Wonkette
Last week your Comics Curmudgeon tackled two very important tropes in the world of political cartooning: pooping and huge boners. “Ha ha,” you say, “surely it can’t get any worse pooping and huge boners!” Well, just as attempted teenage furry statutory rape was soon topped by actually implemented furry dog rape, so too you will come to look back warmly at the innocent time known as “last Friday,” when the worst you encountered was Kim Jong-Il’s enormous missile-dingus. That’s because this week you will be confronted by creepy, fetishistic depictions of vomiting, and “tickle play.” Forewarned is forearmed!
You know who are a bunch of sick motherfuckers? The Dutch, that’s who. Take the expenses scandal currently gripping the British government, which basically involves the revelation that lots of members of Parliament were using the allowances they get for their second homes to buy nice things for themselves. Check out Alex Balk’s amusing coverage on The Awl for the details, but rest assured that said details involve misleading paperwork and middle-to-upper-class homes and the renovation and quick sale for profit thereof, and not, as this cartoon from an Amsterdam paper would have you believe, a pudgy, sweaty, balding man vomiting forth a horrifying flood of slips of paper, in greater volume than any human could possibly contain within his digestive system, as if his alimentary canal had become a portal to an awful, nightmarish hell-dimension. But, I mean, the Dutch, you know? What’re you going to do?
American cartoonists, meanwhile, are less about things erupting horrifyingly from mouths in great torrents, and more about things being crammed into mouths until you think that said mouths are just going to tear apart at the edges! While I enjoy seeing some bekippah’d dork trying to break the world record for simultaneous cigarettes smoking as much as the next guy, I’m not sure I buy the analogy. Surely the Israelis aren’t smoking (building) as many cigarettes (settlements) as possible all at once as an ostentatious display, but are instead veering wildly between claiming to be on the verge of quitting, any day now, I know it’s bad for me, but I just gotta taper off, to cut down on the withdrawal symptoms/mollify the religious parties, and sullenly proclaiming that, fuck you, I’m gonna smoke all I want, I don’t care what you think, you can’t stop me. At any rate, it’s a well known fact that “Dr.” Obama doesn’t have much moral high ground here, being a notorious nicotine aficionado.
Having solved (by which obviously I mean “not solved”) the Middle East, President Obama took on his next important task: bringing pleasure to foot fetishees everywhere! Wait, is that a word? Fetishee? I mean someone who gets off not on doing perverse things to other people’s feet but on having perverse things done to their feet. I’m sure one of you sickos knows the correct term, but anyway the point is that Barack Obama is a Big Government Liberal who puts the government in charge of things that should be the province of private industry or churches, such as foot worship. In typical socialist fashion, Obama has built some enormous, impractical piece of heavy foot-pleasuring machinery, which is using a dildo attachment to provide mecho-erotic stimulation to every American in turn, paid for by higher taxes on the rich.
Middle East peacemaker … toe-cleavage fucker … “Stop smoking now!” informercial guru … President Obama wears a lot of hats (metaphorically; no real hat should ever cover his sexily shaped skull), so one wonders how he has time to do all that and sell Chevys and Buicks at low, low prices! It’s almost as if he were in multiple places at once! In fact, he is, as part of the elaborate Islamo-Communist cloning experiment that actually created him in the early 1960s. This explains a lot of the holes in his backstory, such as how he could manage to be born simultaneously in Kenya, Indonesia, and Hawaii, and why he had to take the oath of office on multiple occasions. Technically the clones are supposed to be kept separate from each other; putting them all in the same room, as depicted here, can cause a terrible case of “clone-rage,” in which a duplicate, faced by his exact replica, enters a state of identity panic and attempts to eliminate his rivals. The resulting battle royal will not only be thrilling to watch but will resolve many of the Constitutional questions raised by the existence of multiple cloned presidents.
Meanwhile, the Republicans, ignored by all and left to their own devices, have constructed an extremely crude Sonia Sotomayor sex doll. Their plan is to berate and humiliate it as a prelude to sexual conquest, but they will end up clutching at its stubby little doll arms, weeping into its straw-stuffed chest that nobody loves them anymore.
Re Cartoon 4: Multiplicity was a documentary, and it was filmed in real-time.
I think I’ll keep using this meaningless, cast-off phrase from ATHF until it’s deemed annoying and ban-worthy by the moderators, and then double its usage, as per the apparent standard operating procedure in most of the recent comment threads.
This explains a lot of the holes in his backstory
Barack Obama is like the Donna Troy of reality, without the bosom.
So the government is meant to be taking over 60% of GM, right? So why are there seven Obamas and four non-Obamas?* Are the six other Obamas the metaphorical representation of the One True Obama at the head of the table? And shouldn’t one of the non-Obamas be a caricature of Stephen Harper, representing Canada’s 12.5% stake in the reconstituted company? Or is it just that right-wing cartoonists can’t do math?
* The Four Non-Obamas’ one hit was their 1993 single “What’s Up (With the EV1)?”
I finally get it! The smoking addiction of the Israeli settlements force them to trade Palestinians for cigarettes with Barry, who then keeps them fenced in on the White House lawn
No. 4 (I can’t quite make out the signature, unfortunately) has some breathtakingly clueless commentary. “Build small cars that nobody wants to buy” - yes, that’s exactly why GM has been in trouble; because they’ve been producing the small, energy-efficient cars that just sit around on lots, while the Japanese manufacturers have been building giant gas-guzzlers that have been selling out.
You know who else is a bunch of sick fucks, at least according to “Bill”? Wonkette commenters, that’s who. You sick freaks.
I just googled “republican furries” and found this: http://furry.wikia.com/wiki/ConFURvatives
I may be too traumatized to go outside at all today.
Josh has triumphed. He has found five count em five completely incomprehensible “political” cartoons. Especially the Sotomayor one. Isn’t it “grasping” at straws? Is the artist using “gasping” instead to make some sort of unimaginable point? Or what? The hell?
Josh must not be banging that D. Barstow gal anymore, he hasn’t dragged her particular brand of not-funny into here for a couple weeks, IIRC.
DoktorZoom: Be careful what you look for — you might just find it.
“Sotomayor sex doll”
they could’ve just asked me if they want to burrow it, she’s a bad girl for believing the experiences of a person can influenece their prejudices and decision-making process and that these experiences vary from person to person, even race to race but as a judge these prejudices must be put aside inorder to make consistent and balanced decisions. Naughty.
JMP: Actually, the ’small cars nobody wants to buy’ canard is part-true. Your typical American fatass really doesn’t want a small car as long gas only $2/gallon. Then when it jumps up to $4, which are you going to pick, Honda Civic or Chevy Cobalt?
Mustang: I think it’s a reference to the “strawman” logical fallacy (arguing against a position that the opponent hasn’t actually taken), plus a poor pun suggesting that the R’s are shocked, SHOCKED!! at Sotomayor’s “racism.” It’s just too many disparate elements being tossed together at once, like the wannabe-hero in The Tick who called himself “Baby Boom-er-rang-utan.”
Mustang: Ain’t that the truth!
Yes, because in what nightmarish corporate hellscape would GM investors be forced to like, nay love, their laborers?
“Forewarned is forearmed,” and forearmed is fucked with a vengeance. So much for any global warning. Welcome to the meltdown fuckfest. Is it Friday yet?
Uhhh, hasn’t GM has been making cars that nobody wants to buy for years?
ie #2
Why do you mock me?
My doctor has told me to quit drinking and smoking years ago.
I’m still thinking about it.
Bring back the huge bonerz pleez.
DoktorZoom: Good analysis. Bad overcomplicated square-wheeled mess of a clunker cartoon.
It seems the theme on the first 2 cartoons is metophorically referencing a “bag of dicks” either coming into, ha ha, or coming out of somone’s mouth. I think that is called a oral fixation. It just may take all 5 of those Obamas’ to get US out of the mountainous shit hole GWB created. GM needs to build yet even bigger cars as most of our supersized asses won’t fit into those fuel efficient ones that don’t sell. I’m thinking we should lower the fuel efficiency to about 5 mpg or lower, hell, just start making M1 tanks, they make parking real easy and have plenty of room for out big fat asses.
Mr Blifil: Yes, this!
Can me has bonerz please?
JMP: Ramirez’ relation to reality has been problematic for some time. Plus he’s got a name that’s hard to pronounce with puckered lips.
Lascauxcaveman: [pause snark] And, don’t forget that the money isn’t made on the small cars, it’s made on the big ones. Even Toyota and Honda, supposedly making cars people WANT to buy, aren’t making any money right now because profitable, high-margin trucks aren’t selling due to the recession… You can only lose money on every Prius you sell for so long before it catches up to you. [resume snark]
Unspeakable Perversity is the theme of the next Republican Convention.
Lascauxcaveman: I’d get the one that’s not going fall apart a week after the warranty expires. And car sale levels seem to indicate that most American car buyers agree. But yeah, the appeals to patriotism do get some folks to continue to buy shitty vehicles.
Buck1962: I can email several people who have fantastic offers for boners.
19kevin8: Heh, good old Bill. Although your transition looked to me like you were going to say, “You know who else is a bunch of sick fucks? Those who don’t support the Borgen project’s millennial goals. Blah, blah blah…”
P.S., where are our editors this not-so-fine afternoon?
two very important tropes
Is Catholic pederasty a Popetrope? Is there a Soap-on-a-rope-trope? Can elements be isotropes? Inquiring minds…
Naked Bunny with a Whip: You sir, win the afternoon for nerds.
JMP: Good question.
I suspect they are out jackhammering doo-doo holes.
Know what I’d like to see? A culturally sensitive version of “Family Circus” in Arab Oil Daily. Or maybe “Pearls Before Swine.” Now, that would be a political laff riot.
TGY: Oh, you’re just trying to win Wonkette Post Points, or whateverthehell the new thing is. And doing very well at it, I might add.
JooJoo Bee: Nah, I will collect no more Whore Diamonds forever.
With the exception of #4, I thought this weeks comics actually made sense, more or less. However, the blinding stupidity of that one made up for it.
How can Israeli-guy talk with all those legs in his mouth?
Israel - come on, share some of those joints, lets not get too greedy about this…
Well, It’s good to see Dubai taking such a firm stand on Carbon footprints, I think they have more Hummers* there than LA
*and by Hummers I mean the car, although the other form is also freely available from lots of tarty sources
I think it would be funnier to ask Sotomayor why there is so much oil in Alaska and how it got there. That will stump her, and she will lose all credibility as a candidate like that science dude.
On the subject of furries anyone attending Anthrocon 09, Pittsburg, PA JulY 4 weekend.