Wonkette
Only three types of human come from Rhode Island: Portuguese people; descendants of fancy old-money white people with comical names like “Claiborne”; and dope fiends. A new study proves it!
Rhode Island is officially the state with the highest rate of illicit drug use, which is sort of sad when you consider it also has one of the highest unemployment rates. But with no work to do, how else is a person going to pass the time? Plus! Rhode Island’s convenient location along the I-95 corridor between Boston and New York — combined with its relatively mild summer climate and pleasant beaches — makes it the perfect place to stop off and do some blow.
“It’s a challenge we have been facing for some time now,” said Craig Stenning, director of the Rhode Island Department of Mental Health, Retardation and Hospitals, which oversees substance-abuse treatment. Rhode Island was also ranked number one for illicit drug use in the previous survey, conducted in 2005 and 2006.
[...] “The accessibility of drugs and alcohol is certainly much higher [here] than in the Midwest where you have to travel 20 to 30 miles,” Stenning said. “Availability is always documented by law enforcement to be much higher in this state.”
Yay Rhode Island, land of dreams and miserably high taxes and one of the weirdest accents this side of Pittsburgh.
R.I. has highest rate of illicit drug use, survey finds [Providence Journal]
Explains why the place is populated with angry fighting chickens, football headed talking bablies and anamorphic dogs. Gigiddy.
Then why are they being so stuck up and not turning gay like the rest of New England?
As a high person currently in RI having moved there from Pittsburgh, I resemble that remark.
Who cares? A weekend in Providence and you’ll think life is simply divine.
Man, Rhode Island must be heaven for drug users and no transportation! They should consider that as part of the state’s tourism outreach.
“Tired of bumming a ride or walking miles to your meth dealer? Come to convenient Rhode Island! Bliss will be just a few steps away.”
When you’ve got a “Department of Retardation” in charge of drugs, you’ve pretty much consigned yourself to Reefer Madness.
“It’s a challenge we have been facing for some time now,” said Craig Stenning, director of the Rhode Island Department of Mental Health, Retardation and Hospitals, which oversees substance-abuse treatment.”
Rhode Island: Where they take “Retardation” just slightly more serious than “Hospitals.”
ManchuCandidate:
Er Anthropomorphic. Wuhds have meaningings.
Cocaine make Rhode Island feel big, and so sexy.
Maybe that’s why I always thought Providence wass such a cool fucking town.
Anyway, the next time you drop by Newport for a key and a handful of balloons, I recommend the cardiac bacon double cheeseburger at the Brick Alley Pub. Muzlin dijon is optional.
But I thought that was what people did on an island…lie around on the beach all day and experiment with various intoxicants.
ManchuCandidate: Hehheh, allllright.
I’m not sure I agree with you a hundred percent on your police work, there, Lou. I think your supposed to be decreasing availability, not documenting it.
Noodle Salad: heuristicdevice: They have an entire department dedicated to the progeny of McCain-Palin-Bush!
“…director of the Rhode Island Department of Mental Health, Retardation and Hospitals…”
Come on. Seriously?
We’ve known this some time, ever since Brian Griffin worked as a drug sniffing dog for Quahog PD.
Hey! I’m Portuguese and I love certain illicit drugs. You’d better not have anything against either of those things, SKS. People named Claiborne or from Rhode Island can suck it, however.
Lou Dobbs needs to take over Rhode Island and clean ‘r up!
“binge drinking – having five or more drinks on one occasion in the previous 30 days.”
uh oh …
YeaH!1!! Wode Islund’s numbah one! We aw also wicked infested wiff cathlics. Coincidence? I think not.
Capitol Hillbilly: I’m OK, so long as a fifth counts as a fifth of a drink.
Capitol Hillbilly: Sheeez, here in Oregon that called “hydration.”
Mad Farmer Manifest: Hey! People named Claiborne from Rhode Island are responsible for my college edumacation!
Isn’t the old prostitution legal in RI, too? You see… there are all sorts of entertainment options for out of work people.
Ms Sotomayor should be asked whether she ever visited the State, as part of the investigation into when she stopped doing drugs.
Mild Midwesterner: And numerous opportunities for those of us willing to entertain a change in our career paths without having to pay for extensive formal education. (Everything I needed to know I learned from John Holmes and Ron Jeremy).
It’s also not an island. But I guess “Rhode Several Islands (None of Which Is Named Rhode) Plus a Big Chunk of Mainland” wouldn’t have fit on the license plates.
Rhode Island Department of Mental Health, Retardation and Hospitals
Shouldn’t that be Mental Health, Wicked Retahdation and Hospitals?
SayItWithWookies: License plates are meant for sad Jesus. That is why Jesus invented them.
Madeline: Piffle. We don’t need nun o’ that fancy book-larnin’! Unless it’s from the Bible.
smashtheduck: I found out where all the extra R’s go on the Rhode Islander’s accents - I was standing in line at the Providence post office when I heard two of the people behind the counter discussing “going out fer a coupla slicesa peetzer” for lunch.
Free Buddy!
While the “geese that don’t fly” (aka, Porta-gees…who, by the way, are all named Joe/Jose, including the women) do indeed have a curious manner of speaking, when it comes to Class A molestation of the English tongue, no one can hold a whale-oil lamp to the 4th generation French Canucks up in Woonsocket. (See: “Throw me down the stairs my hat, ma.”)
snideinplainsight: Oh yeah. A friend and fellow Mass-hole used to work for Nasser. Not the Egyptian nationalist, the space agency.
chascates: I like SKS’s more concise slogan better:
The perfect place to stop off and do some blow.
snideinplainsight: friggin wight on!
I had a drill sergeant from Rhody. (This was when I still claimed to be from Texas. Divorce is great if it gives you a choice of hometowns to claim). Impossible to not giggle at “Wight face!” and “Weady Fwunt!”.
user-of-owls: For every blow-head in Newport, there’s a meth whore in Woonie willing to blow him for a twenny”.
I never before knew where my dealer, Muffy Da Gama, was from, but I think this post answers that question.
What do you expect from a state whose official name is “the State of Rhode Island and Providence Plantations”?
Rhode Island is also the gay sex capital of New England. You go to those other states to get married, but you go to Rhode Island to get laid.
user-of-owls: Don’t forget the houses that are side-by-each. And drive slow your cah on the way to the cleansahs.
Wendy_Kroy: I knew her! She was friends with Popsy Rondeau, right?
Lawtalkinguy: Really? Sex Capital of New England? Dude that’s pretty disgusting. I grew up in Connect TEA Cott at one point and the sheer thought of what you speak dispels me to further sickness. DAMN, I say unto you. DAMN YOU.
Geez, ever since Club Babyhead closed, RI has just gone down the tubes.
shortsshortsshorts: You really only have a few choices. You can go for the repressed Puritans of Boston, the backwoods lumberjacks of New Hampshire, the hippies of Vermont, the yuppies of Connecticut, or the Portuguese fisherman of Rhode Island. And those Portuguese guys put out.
(It also helps that Providence, at 1/3 the size, has just as many gay bars as Boston. And more bathhouses and gay strip clubs than the rest of New England combined. All part of Buddy’s legacy.)
They have Brown University and a lot of brown pot.
Bullshit. Delaware’s tops in heroin. Artie Lange didn’t go to Providence to get his smack, after all.
And - hey, Sara, H.P. Lovecraft was a Rhode Islander too. I can never go through Providence without thinking of the eldritch horrors that lie deep beneath the city, dreaming ageless, deathless Stygian dreams…
Rhode Island is also the one state in New England that now doesn’t allow teh gayez to get married.
Just saying.
Oh, and Sara, you forgot the fourth kind of person in Rhode Island, guys named Vinny or Tony busy dropping off unmarked containers from New Jersey.
Fuck, and I just moved out of that hell hole a week ago. WRT prostitution, yes. It is technically legal so long as you don’t solicit outdoors (for the moment at least, the legislature is trying to amend the law). I suggest a charming little spot called “Cheaters” so long as you aren’t too picky about things like hygiene or teeth. Believe me, you won’t have to ask them. They will ask you. Just make sure to bring plenty of cash and, if you are the proactive type, AZT.
Lionel Hutz Esq.: So that explains why the photo for this post has a multiple-felony-racking-up former Providence mayor. BUDDY! BUDDY!
Anyway — can’t believe people are talking about putting out on this board and NO ONE mentioned that fine bastion of entertainment for Red Sox and Patriots players… The Foxy Lady.
Srsly, peepuhl — gityursheettuhgehthuh.
Hey, I’m from Rhode Island, and I don’t fit any of those categories!
–Pendleton Whitethorpe Carrington IV
Chief Executive Officer, President, Chairman of the Board of Directors,
Carrington Bank of New England
President, Carrington Yacht Club
Chairman, Carrington Family Foundation
Lawtalkinguy: Hoo hoo! Side-by-each, fah-gawt that one!
Lionel Hutz Esq.: Actually, that fourth species is busy getting elected, acquiring ill-gotten wealth, serving time, and then repeating the cycle. The only way to break the circle is to get a radio talk show. “Alo, Buddy!”
thefrontpage: Fuckin’ miserable Port-a-gee.
Capitol Hillbilly: I think they meant “before work”.
Ooooo I love Portuguese men. Beautiful cocks.
I did a stint in Rhode Island, long ago, and it struck me as a New England stepchild. Well, I lived in southern RI–very blue-collar and out-of-the-way (of anything). Let’s see. I recall a sign on a road I used frequently that said “Gilbert Stuart’s Birthplace”. That was apparently the last notable event from those parts.
WickedWitch: I remember seeing Buddy at a bar in Providence Place once, right before he was indicted. The man was fucking HAMMERED. Bought a round for the house, though. Whuddaguy!
Is this statistic skewed because of the presence of RISD or Brown? Or both?
ManchuCandidate: anamorphic was extremely convincing. on reflection, i think it must mean “having a fixed shape”.
wow, racist much?
This would explain how former Providence mayor Buddy Cianci could have married a woman named Nancy-Ann if that story wasn’t just an urban legend (and if Cianci wasn’t a pederast.)
user-of-owls: A pair a lines side by each? Ya know?
yeah we need to sort out what is the problem…analysis deeply and then take measures.
http://www.californiabails.com
wow, racist much?
http://www.californiabails.com
Does this mean the price/quality combination is better in RI? Because I have to say, in today’s economic climate it is important to shop around? Rhode Islanders, please advise.
Everything you say is true. Lil Rhody wins again!
No wud of a lie. Yous people don’t know shit about rhody. Buddy onny got one felony. That stuck.
Everybody listen to chapoutier - it totally sucks, don’t come here. Stay away forever.
Providence is dirty and tired and there’s never anything happening. There are no young people, no entrepreneurs, no tech cluster, no clubs, no galleries, AS220 is not worth your time to visit.
Just everybody, Providence is just like you remember it from 1987.
Lawtalkinguy: You forgot to disparage the State ‘o’ Maine in your list of disparaging New England-y comments.
[i]You really only have a few choices. You can go for the repressed Puritans of Boston, the backwoods lumberjacks of New Hampshire, the hippies of Vermont, the yuppies of Connecticut, or the Portuguese fisherman of Rhode Island. And those Portuguese guys put out.[/i]
Hmmm… how about the toothless cousin-fuckers of Maine?
Not that I really think that way. I love Maine, but that’s not very snarky to say, now, is it?
why didden my html work? now i look like a even worse loser than evah