Wonkette
So about a week ago your editor here was sitting around late at night wondering, as she so often does, what ridiculous theory she could turn into a post for NBC, and she decided to write some wingnutty thing about Sonia Sotomayor’s senior thesis from her Princeton days. “As everybody can agree, senior theses are one of the best tools we have for evaluating potential Supreme Court justices,” she typed dumbly. “You should think about whether the Supreme Court really needs some judge who is so excited about Puerto Rican independence.” And today, you’ll never guess what they’re writing about over at The Corner!
The titles of two recent posts:
Former (?) Puerto Rican Nationalist Nominated to North American Supreme Court
We’ve Waived the Right to Press Sotomayor on Being a Puerto Rican Separatist Who Couldn’t Bring Herself to Say “United States”?
The lesson here is that being drunk when you write this “parody” stuff is not enough. You really need some cheap meth, too, if you’re going to recreate the paranoiac rage.
I pretend I’m a rageaholic ignoranus who hates black people, gay people, hates Libruls and secretly likes the schlong. Voila, I’m Jonah Golberg.
SKS - all of your future posts must be written in obscure quatrains. Extra points if they are posts that become clear only after a devastating event occurs.
“Gee, Charles Krauthammer - KRAUT YOU!”
One could get rich betting on the loud desperation and grasping at straws of the “conservative movement”. Speaking of which, I need to go to the restroom.
ManchuCandidate: But you aren’t ugly ???
What political party was Todd Palin involved with again?
Besides, SCOTUS is obviousry more important that whatever royallist bullshit they got in Ottawa.
We’ve waived the right to send racist demon-hellgirl So-So directly to the waterboards at Gitmo now that we’ve indisputabley proven she is the Grand Whazzoo of the secret spic KKK and engages in satanic MONTHLY rituals involving sacrificing discriminated against enraged old white men and then whilst evilly shrieking DRINKS THEIR BLOOD!!!!11111111
Dammit everybody knows only Texans with Goodhair™ are allowed to write about secesh!
~
problemwithcaring:
Yes, but only problem is that I’m not Jabba fat.
ManchuCandidate: Why can’t ManchuCandidate bring himself to say “penis” ? WHY NOT INDEED!
Holy hell it’s like your declaring war on journalism, Sara K. Smith. HAVEN’T YOU SEEN A GRISHAM MOVIE THING, they toss you into the Potomac, and where do you go from there? You have to come up with an elaborate scheme to explain their motives, and isn’t that just an outright pain in the ass?
Otherwise, the NR (the Corner at least) should be tossed into Puerto Rico, where Sotomayor can rule with an iron fist.
I bet Sato’s thesis was full of che blockquotes and italicized porto-slang! “you’re fired from America!” - Pres. Gingrich
rereridiculous:
PENIS!
One needs to change things up.
Is there anything wrong with being a Puerto Rican separatist? I mean, it’s not like anyone is rushing to give them the full rights of statehood or anything.
BTW, I sure as hell hope nobody brings up any of the assinine political stuff I spouted in college at my next job evaluation. I swear to you…that unfortunate fascination with Ayn Rand only lasted about 3 months, tops!
All she has to do is hold up that picture at her confirmation hearings and she’ll get confirmed instantly. Who’s going to vote against a little girl who lost her daddy?
SKS has now made the case that alcohol *and* speed are requirements for journalistic notoriety, and thus tax-deductible.
Jim and Ken, take note. Call the accountants pronto and amend those returns. Hire a santeria advisor and summon the spirit of Hunter S. Thompson, who broke trail for us all.
Just don’t do the .45 caliber exit thing.
Try to work in “Heavans Gate” next time. With any luck the entire conservative movement will slip on matching Nikes and try to catch up with the Halle-Bopp comet.
Power like this is only worthwhile if you abuse it, SKS
The totally weird thing is that I wrote my Princeton senior thesis about how Reagan’s Supreme Court fucked up the whole country forever.
I don’t know why that matters for anything though, I’m drunk.
Cheap meth goes faster than doughnuts at the NR coffee room. Most poorly kept secret of the right-wing press.
“You really need some cheap meth, too, if you’re going to recreate the paranoiac rage.”
I find that to really feel the the Reich Wing experience I also need a hot tranny hooker. Off whose ass I can then snort my cheap meth. But I would totes understand if SKS were not with me on that.
Geeze, I hope if I’m ever in a situation where I need to be confirmed for the Supreme Court, the Senate Judiciary folks don’t find my article advocating for legalizing heroin in the rag my friend and I published, overthrowthegovernmentbyforce. Because if I’m even considered for any position of responsibility, the country’s more fucked up than it can realize.
paintitblack: you forget that she eats all sorts of pig unmentionables (leading, it goes without saying, to pants-melting flatulence) and practices tribal justice.
Cappy:
I wrote mine on “teleology.”
Yes, I was a philosophy major.
Yes, I’m looking for work right now.
Yes, I’m so totally fucked in this job market.
In college, I once wrote a long essay about how committing suicide is completely justified if you’re feeling depressed. Naturally, now that I’m more mature, I don’t believe this anymore. Oh wait, I do, and the internets help me die a little more inside each day.
Sorry, I lost track of the topic, thinking about Sara working late at night in the nude, which she probably doesn’t, but so?
Prediction for next week: How the box of hair found to be smarter than the Corner’s blogging murderer’s row only did so thanks to affirmative action.
Best thing Sonia can do before the Judiciary Committee is to start singing: “I like the isle of Manhattan….”
Don’t feel like a lamer, Sara–I’m sure that as 180-page undergraduate papers go, hers was just So-So.
Who will WIN THE OVERNIGHT? Serolf Divad? ManchuCandidate? shortsshortsshorts? AngryBlakGuy? It is on.
Min:
unfortunate fascination with Ayn Rand only lasted about 3 months, tops!
You’re dead to me now.
…the same old SKS, still boozed up and higher than a kite!
x111e7thst: Don’t forget your panda suit.
~
Come here a minute: …with competition like that, I better hit the local trailer park for good ‘ol redneck crank and bath-tub brewed moonshine!
Cookie Guggelman: “I like the isle of Manhattan….”
“…Suck on my dick, and put that in!”
hockeymom: “Who’s going to vote against a little girl who lost her daddy?”
You sweet, naive fool. You seem to forget who you’re talking about. Cornyn, McConnell, Graham, DeMint, et al would sell their grandmothers to sex slave traders if they thought it would get them one extra vote from their wingnut base.
Serolf Divad:
So would you say that you lack work because you have a philosophy degree or that you have a degree in order to lack work?
“You really need some cheap meth, too, if you’re going to recreate the paranoiac rage.”
For journalism, yes. But it’s my understanding that Oxycontin, followed by a heavy dose of Viagra, is the choice crutch for those that shrill in radioland.
But I bet those well-compensated fruitypantz at NR smoke their meth out of fancy glass pipes; the rest of us peeons still have to use discarded aluminum foil burrito wrappers.
Serolf Divad: That makes you just as fucked as the rest of us… welcome to the hobo-apocalypse!
I’ll share my fried squirrel with you anytime. Just come to Cali-for-niyay
shortsshortsshorts: …“fried squirel”? You guys out west are elitist, down here in S.Florida all we have are roasted palmetto bugs!
I wrote a paper in grad school (received an A) on early Americans’ freaky attitudes toward sex. One detail I remember is a man, in the 1600s, was convicted of having sex with a sow because her litter of piglets looked like him. Our justice system is devolving back to this rather low standard fairly rapidly as the Maria confirmation fiasco gets underway.
AngryBlakGuy: You’re back!
Where have you been?
We thought you got foreclosed and moved to a hobo jungle without the intertubes
Judge Sotomayor has just issued a press release to quell this rising controversy:
Puerto Rico . . .
You ugly island . . .
Island of tropic diseases.
Always the hurricanes blowing,
Always the population growing . . .
And the money owing,
And the babies crying,
And the bullets flying.
I like the island
Smoke on your pipe and put that in!
I like to be in America!
O.K. by me in America!
Ev’rything free in America
For a small fee in America!
(It was either that or Sonia from the Block.)
AngryBlakGuy: Actually “palmetto bugs” sounds kind of exotic (like ‘mud bugs’ for crawfish). Down here in TX, we call them cockroaches!
Texan Bulldoggette: Same in Florida, unless they’re in your house.
Texan Bulldoggette: Agreed. Besides, losing a father is a good career move. Barry got two books and a good job in DC out of it.
“Demon babies” and “hell dots”. Apparently, all is well again at Wonkette. And apparently AngryBlakGuy is out on work-release. Sleep will be peaceful again.
Dreadful Gate: …nah, the whole foreclosure thing has been taken care of for a while now. I’ve just been locked up in my dungeon/office in the corner of a multinational conglomerate thinking of ways siphon a couple more pennies out of you peons!!! Muhahahahahaha!!!
bankruptcamaro: what happened to ‘bitchincamaro’ moniker?
Texan Bulldoggette: …calling them “Palmetto Bugs” is a way for me not having to refer to anything that goes into mouth as a “cock”!
bankruptcamaro: …I’m assuming you are the commenter formerly known as “BitchingCamaro”? Kinda hope the name change reflects a “ban bomb” from Jim or Ken and not an actual bankruptcy. Then again if I lost my house I could have been called “LowCreditScortBlakGuy”, but that would have been kind of redundant wouldn’t it?
Texan Bulldoggette: I’m a GM product. I have to deal with it.
Maybe Ms. Smith’s next post should be about how the real Sotomayor problem is that wingies know down deep where their hearts should be that Puerto Rico is just a very thinly disguised Cuba, if not almost a commonwealth of Venezuela.
AngryBlakGuy:
Dude, glad you are back!
Missed your loquacious wordsmithery also.
Pennies to ya!
rubybuckaroo: …“loquacious wordsmithery”? Nah, I just always us teleprompter! All of us black people have them now that Barry is growing watermelons on the White House lawn!
It amazes me they really want to discuss what people did in college. I was straight. And a rebublican. I’m not sure which one is more shameful? No, I lied. I’ll forever regret skipping out on college tang.
AngryBlakGuy: You were fucking missed.
Yeah, that Sotomayor is cooked. Get a load of this:
“The experiences of Alaska and Hawaii since statehood with cultural destruction has been indicative of the cultural loss Puerto Rico would eventual [sic] face if statehood for the island were chosen.”
Besides being a racist, she is a Puerto Ricanist, an Alaskanist, and a Hawaiianist. She’s advocating secession and that is treason, ya know?
Probably took a few potshots at Truman, back in the day.
Wake up sheeple! She will eat your firstborn, with black beans and rice.
Egregious word padding is also evident in her undergraduate thesis. Fraud! Plagiarism! Badpersonism! A monster. I am glad that a Wonkette editor brought this earthshaking scandal to light.
hockeymom: Had she an hourglass figure, an angel’s face, and an old shoe for a brain, the Repubs would be crawling through broken glass to get within kissing range of her ass. This is clearly, not the case.
AngryBlakGuy: Neither actually, just a feeble attempt at humor and to capitalize on the misfortunes of former corporate giants. My comments are sub-radar here, I think. The real banhammer is swung regularly and justifiably in my own home, by someone sweeter than me. Welcome back, man.
Oh yeah. I changed the name up on the home comp, but not the work comp, and Wonkette sees them as different computers, naturally. Different IP addresses, I guess. Will have to get back in sync, soon.
AngryBlakGuy: Those are not watermelons. They are the dead larval sacks produced by the union of Karl Rove and Peggy Noonan, once she loses her human skin to reveal her true Species form. Saul Williams hadn’t heard, jumped the fence, grabbed one of the giant, rotten embryionic jelly bellies and almost died when a massive stream of ichor exploded in his face. He knocked over a string of teleprompters when he turned tail, but he left behind a bill for 250 years of dry cleaning.
What can I say. Sara posted at night, seriously throwing me off, and I’m rusty thanks to all the sobriety. Did I mention Trent Reznor was driving the getaway car?
bankruptcamaro: “I’m a GM product. I have to deal with it.”
I recently leased a GMC Acadia (I always go foreign)—because I wanted to do something for my country & the American car manufacturers…how stupid was I?
“And they wandered in
from the city of Saint John
without a dime
Wearing coats that shined
Both red and green
Colors from their sunny island”
Steely Dan “Royal Scam”
…shit, even Hilary Clinton was cold-quotin’ Situationists in her Valedictory speech at Wellesley.
Can’t the Right lighten up? Weren’t David Horowitz and P J O’Rourke enough apologia for them?
They wouldn’t be happy if she turned into a Freeman from the Republic of Kansas as the One Supreme Court…
Since we’re talkin’ secession, could Texas hurry it up? Every fuckin’ Texan costs the rest of the country 77 bucks a year (every lefty Wisconsinite nets the country 850 smackaroos) and I’m looking forward to that historic Austin Airlift…
Whoops, apologies to Texan Bulldoggette…
MilwaukeeKent: It’s okay, I’m used to the TX abuse. For the most part, the state deserves it & Governor Rick Good Hair Perry doesn’t help. Austin is it’s own little bastion of liberal, educated sanity which is the only redeeming quality about the entire state!
Desi Arnaz was a bigamist?
So the Ivy League student used her 180-page senior thesis to make an academic argument about a sociopolitical issue? Why didn’t she use it to describe all the different household items you can make into bongs like the rest of us underachievers? For shame, Senorita Sotomayor. For shame!
OMG, Sonia Sotomayor has become Rick Perry.
Spidoosh, Sara K., spidoosh.
hobospacejunkie: Ooh, wouldn’t you know it. You posted this long-saved-up anecdote just ONE Wonkette story too soon!
bankruptcamaro: Heh, I know what you’re talking about. For a time I had a hard time remembering whether I was Caveman or Campbell-On-CNN, when I was actually both. FWIW, Campbell-On-CNN had much better legs, but got kinda nasty every 28 days.
Also, FWIW I saw one of your new 2009 Camaro namesakes on the road the other day and I think bitchin’ is a much better descriptor than bankrupt, despite current economic indicators.
Texan Bulldoggette: “Leased” is the operative word here, if you want to be talking stupid.
x111e7thst: C’mon, you all know that famous philosophical premise: I think, therefore I am unemployable.
SayItWithWookies: I think we should do like Athens: choose everything by lottery! Worked for them! Of course, maybe the average American isn’t as smart….
Zhu Bajie
Serolf Divad: I did mine on astrology in the later Roman Empire, and, astronishingly, it gets more relevant every day!
Zhu Bajie
AngryBlakGuy: No possums, cooked a-top the engine?
Zhu Bajie
Oh, these youthful follies. I refer, of course, to SKS writing columns while drunk.
x111e7thst:
This sort of thing is exactly why I tried to stay over on the science side of campus. Y’all are bonkers over that side.
Texan Bulldoggette: “I recently leased a GMC Acadia (I always go foreign)—because I wanted to do something for my country & the American car manufacturers…how stupid was I?”
I just bought a Chevy. Great discount for buying off the lot and Hopey is personally guaranteeing my warranty. Since I like just up the road from him a wee bit, if my local dealership closes I’ll just take my cute little Cobalt to the White House for it’s next oil change.
Aren’t Messicans from Porto Rico really just Catholic Muslins who hate America and its white children?
Min: i wrote a *fascinating* comparison of Langston Hughes’ “Mother to Son” and Lewis Carrolls’ “The Jabberwocky” positing, based on these two literary works, the were gay pedophiles. Got an A+ . I shit you not.
the lady MS.Sheila Dixon: Having taken an elective in college that was entirely focused on the works of Carroll and Edward Lear, I believe you.