No apologiesEvery human with a brain clearly understands that the best way to “deal with North Korea” at this point or really any point is to nuke Kim Jong Il in the butt, kill all of its civilians (children first, because what do they know?), donate the women to Wall Street banks which can use them as reserves against further drops in mortgage-backed securities, e-mail Texas’ oil to North Korean aquifers so that it might be drilled up, for profit, Establish Free Markets of dildo retail chains, and what else, oh right, let American colonizers vote for shit periodically. This is the respectable centrist opinion, and the government is ready to just run with it once it gets maybe 2 or 3 more specific details about how to actually carry out the invasion of this country. Fortunately, for them, a Pajamas Media columnist has UMM ALREADY DONE THIS?

Internet person Nicholas Guariglia, in a creative column titled “The U.S. Should Overthrow Kim Jong Il,” knows most things about the world so pay attention: first you tell Kim Jong Il that if anyone in the world sets off a nuclear bomb in America, for whatever reason, as part of whatever cause, in association with any organization, America will blame Kim Jong Il. Because if you think America would “investigate to see whether or not Kim Jong Il was involved,” well sorry, welcome to Texas. (?)

First, we should reestablish deterrence with a statement or doctrine of “nuclear culpability.” We should say to Kim: “You’ve been caught proliferating nuclear know-how in black market networks and to our enemies in Iran, Syria, Libya, and elsewhere. As long as you continue this behavior, be forewarned: should a nuclear bomb go off in an American city or that of our allies, we will hold you responsible — along with the culprits. We will assume you were involved somehow, either directly or indirectly.”

No, but really.

This would seriously mess up Kim’s feng shui.

Next: make Japan build nukes, gotta get nukes. Couldn’t America just FedEx a few of its own nukes to Japan, since America is the one ordering Japan to become an active nuclear warrior? No, that’s socialism. Besides, those Japanese, they know math and shit, and they build cars, so how long would a nuclear program take them, a long weekend at most?

Third, we should let Japan go nuclear. Charles Krauthammer recommends this approach, which makes great geopolitical sense. We should encourage the Japanese to amend their pacifistic constitution and start popping out A-bombs like Toyotas. A nuclear Japan is no reason to fret: it is a mature democracy, a loyal ally, and a responsible and civilized society. This isn’t the ’40s anymore.

Got it? We don’t have to worry about Japan anymore! Guariglia just told us, right there, that Japan is in fact not the fascist empire allied with Adolf Hitler and the Nazis anymore.

The rest is obvious enough, but just in case: get Japan to threaten nuclear war with China, drop maybe three or four (nothing much) of those Toyota Bombs on their cities if they’re hestitant, China can go into North Korea and fuck with their fucking shit and then Japan might as well pull a 180 and nuke the Chinese in North Korea and then the U.S. will nuke Japan (again, natch) and Italy or whatever and voila, democracy. And in the rare chance this doesn’t work, Barack Obama can obviously send… Donald Rumsfeld… there?

Japan’s nuclearization — which should be temporary and stated as such — would likely worry the Chinese enough to compel them to come down hard on their client state. Getting China to turn on North Korea is the real key and a nuclear Japan would certainly do the trick. Should Beijing remain unfazed by Tokyo going nuclear, maybe President Obama could send Don Rumsfeld on another one of those “special envoy” ambassadorships — this time, to the Far East to call China’s bluff on Taiwan.

Eat shit and die.

Enough is enough. Kim Jong Il has proven he will stop at nothing to produce and proliferate nuclear weapons, and that is a no-no. Diplomacy has failed. Talking for the sake of talking is not working. Serious powers ought to be emphasizing results, not process. “Soft power” is a problem cured by Cialis — not a national security strategy for North Korea. It’s time we started working to bring that twisted, Lilliputian, Chia Pet miscreant down.

The U.S. Should Overthrow Kim Jong Il [PJ Media]

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  1. I like how this leader – who looks like Yoko Ono with my Nana’s hairdoo and glasses – decided his second son was ‘too effeminate’ for the succession. Anyone got a picture?

  2. As careful readers of both Jane’s and Pajamas Media, South Korean military officials are now hastily entering the target codes for Sheboygan and Corpus Christi into their nuclear missiles.

  3. Yes, of course, Donald Rumsfeld, he’s the obvious point man on this… interesting hallucination. So, let’s see — Japan is more or less downwind of Korea, of course they should drop nuclear bombs on it; if diplomacy has failed, clearly the only option is wholesale slaughter, especially if we can get someone else to do it for us; and our success rate in wars on the Asian continent is, well, not yet less than zero. Count me in.

  4. Yeah, brah, we should, like totally, bomb that Chia Pet Kim Jong Il! Remember how funny he was in that movie, what was it called?, American, Fuck Yeah!? Anyway, yeah, the Japs should just make A-bombs instead of Toyotas, and just drop ’em on Korea. Fer sure.

  5. Gawd damn, but there’s a lot of stupid in Gargolye’s missive. Though I have to say, calling Kim a Lilliputian chia pet miscreant is pretty inspired.

  6. I vote “start popping out A-boms like Toyotas” as the wingnut comment of the week. I understand it has serious competition, but it’d be like the underdog.

  7. I’m sure the Japanese are just itching to get their hands on nuclear weapons. Those things are super popular over there, I hear.

  8. Given Field Marshal Krauthammer’s success in the Middle East war I’m tempted to agree with him but the Japanese seem to have some sort of problem with nuclear weapons. Don Rumsfeld should scare the shit out of even the craziest of people but it’s not a good idea to let him out in public. He tends to go off the reservation and might attempt to rule North Korea himself.

    Why don’t we wait and see with Little Kim is like and then decide whether or not to shit in their rice bowl?

  9. Why not cut to the chase and immediately drop Donald Rumsfeld on North Korea? No pacifistic beating around the bush with those miscreants.

  10. This Nicholas Guariglia person has clearly put much thought into this project. As a reward, President Obama should send him to North Korea in exchange for the two journalists about to go on trial there, and tell Kim he’s theirs to do with as they please. That should keep this dumbfuckass from spouting his insane World War 3 fantasies ever again.

  11. Getting China to turn on North Korea is the real key and a nuclear Japan would certainly do the trick.

    Ah yes, because if there is one thing you always do in a proxy war, it is to TURN ON YOUR PROXY. OMFG, brilliant!11!!!! You certainly don’t, say, arm your proxy, encourage them to become more belligerent, etc. Nooooo, at the first sign of your opponent’s proxy threatening you, you sigh and say “oh fuck, the game’s up” and remove all hostile agents from your proxy’s reach forthwith. And then apologize, forgive all US debts, etc. etc. etc.

  12. Kim Jong Il has proven he will stop at nothing to produce and proliferate nuclear weapons, and that is a no-no.

    A “no-no”? Are we talking about a nuke or somebody forgot to pick up his toys?

  13. This would seriously mess up Kim’s feng shui.

    Not to mention what it would to to his thai chi. Or for that matter, his sushi. Asian Jokes, Awaaay!

  14. Did we happen to catch him playing a game of Strip Yahtzee?

    Oh, the retinal damage! Oh the humanity!

    Red wine.

    Repeat as needed.

  15. “That’s option 1. Option 2 is letting Kim die naturally as he soon will anyway. Oh fuck it, nukes for everyone! And by fuck it I mean my greased hand at the thought of shit blowing up everywhere.”

  16. Sadly war never works out as well as you hope when you plan your entire strategy on playing 1980s Missile Command and Risk. Triple Sixes aren’t good enough, Dipshit.

  17. News flash: I don’t have to blow up the photo. Sarah Palin just called to say if I get glasses like hers, I can see Kimmy’s dong from her porch.

  18. [re=331347]The Station Manager[/re]: Yeah, I’m kind of frustrated this guy didn’t bust out a good Jackie Chan or Jet Li reference when he had the chance. “And faster than you can say Drunken Master II, Kim will take a massive shinkansen all over his lacquer cabinets when he sees the Godzilla-like weapons threatening him.”

  19. Oh, Nicholas, poor Nicholas. You see, when you start a “war,” there are these people called “the enemy,” but the funny thing is, they don’t think they are the enemy, they think WE are the enemy, ha, ha, see how funny it is, how that works. And as much as we would like to eliminate them from the face of the earth, that’s how much they’d like to eliminate us from the face of the earth.
    Also, when you start a “war” in the present, the ending of that war will be in the “future” and nobody can predict the future with any degree of accuracy.
    If there’s one thing the Iraq war should have taught us, it’s that unless you are raiding some comically pathetic country like Grenada or something, you just might lose.

    p.s. I want my C-wolf back

  20. [re=331344]Dave J.[/re]: Getting China to turn on North Korea is the real key and a nuclear Japan would certainly do the trick.

    So too would a much easier tactic: Close Wal-Mart.

  21. re: Charles Krauthammer recommends this approach, which makes great geopolitical sense.

    I was all with him up to this point. That’s just crazy talk!

  22. I’m not sure we should let Japan know how to build nuclear weapons because they’ll start building smaller, cheaper, and better nuclear weapons that run on batteries and so nobody will want to buy ours anymore and then the next thing you know, we’ll have to start bailing out our nuclear warhead manufacturers.

  23. [re=331338]Filthy Crapcan[/re]: I guess Japan would become the first and only temporary nuclear state.

    Well, there’s South Africa. But don’t let that stop you from mocking Mr. Guariglia. He’s certainly put his entire brain cell behind this concept.

  24. And this is why we need a separation of church and state — so that people who get their foreign policy ideas from the Revelation of St. John aren’t allowed to handle actual weapons.

  25. I’m sure the South Koreans – you know, the people we’re actually supposed to be protecting from North Korea – would just love it if their supposed allies nuked the country on their border, replacing the threat of renewed invasion with the reality of nuclear fallout.

    And look, neocons; your last attempts to remake a popular war ended up an abject failure; now do you really think you’ll succeed in remaking one that wasn’t even popular the first time around?

    [re=331324]slappypaddy[/re]: “and our success rate in wars on the Asian continent is, well, not yet less than zero”

    One tie and one loss is less than zero in my book (remember, the WWII wasn’t fought by the US on the Asian continent).

  26. And worst case scenario, it doesn’t work but the nukes wipe out a couple of hundred million of those little yellow slant-eyes, so win-win for America! U-S-A! U-S-A!

    Jesus, is this guy secretly Bill Kristol saying all the thoughts he has that are too crazy even for a Sunday morning show on Fox News?

  27. Maybe we could have a draft, in preparation for our next round of wars? Give our current service people a little break? Also this would generate many interesting Krauthammer articles about involuntary servitude (servility? serviness?) and much OMG ALL CAPS from whatever remnants OF pj media still exist.

  28. When he states that “Diplomacy has failed” I assume he means all relations, international or whatever, that aren’t nuke-based. Sounds decent. Can we get the Saudis to export a million pounds of sand to NK so we can glass parking lot them?

  29. Japan attacks North Korea:
    North Korea Attacks South Korea:
    South Korea Attacks China:
    China attacks Taiwan:
    We nuke Hiroshoma and gather what’s left of our army in Pusan, we then evacuate it to Oklahoma and in the ensuing confusion, invade Texas dressed as meesicans and name Sonya Sotomayor it’s queen.

  30. [re=331369]Come here a minute[/re]: South Africa! Which trashed all its nukes the instant they realised that black fellows were about to take control of them. If only Dubya had thought of that.

  31. If I learned anything from the Bush years, it’s that the best solution to this is for us to attack a country that is only peripherally related to the problem at hand. In other words, game on, Burma. The day I call your sorry asses “Myanmar” is the day I’m burning in hell.

  32. I love that Japan’s nuclearization should be temporary, because we’re their daddy and we’ll take the toys away if they talk back.

    Anyway, someone please kill this man.

  33. If people followed this, this guy would have some serious blood on his hands. As it is, his hands are red from this furious masturbatory exercise. Anyway, I doubt if Japan would be down with nuclear brinkmanship, as they take the position that all nuclear weapons should be dismantled. But maybe they need to forget about their introduction to the atom bomb, because like they say, first impressions are always wrong. I mean damn, these people have such long memories. Which is another reason why they shouldn’t have the bomb, by the way. My Toyota truck is pretty much bomb-proof, as they say, but not if it gets hit with a Toyota H-bomb.

  34. A nuclear-armed Japan, because if there’s anyone that the (North/South) Koreans really love, it’s the Japanese. You know, those folks who brutally occupied their peninsula for years before WWII, and still fight the occasional skirmish with over useless islands in the Pacific. Surely a stabilizing force in east Asia.

  35. [re=331376]x111e7thst[/re]: I’m all for a draft– it’s not like anyone can afford college anymore and those who can afford college won’t be able to find work anyways. Even better, I’m over 40 and have a bad knee so there’s no way I could get drafted.

  36. This may be the worst idea that any person has ever had about anything. Japan is a country with a moribund economy, and at one point in the not so distant past was very nationalistic, racist, and militaristic, and owes the US a nuclear attack or two. It is very difficult to imagine Japan going all nutsy on the world, but after seeing what the US became in 8 years under GWB, I believe that a good country can be taken over by nutcases and go bad in a big hurry.

  37. [re=331374]JMP[/re]: …remember, the WWII wasn’t fought by the US on the Asian continent…
    I understand your point, but yes it was. In the China-Burma-India Theater. It was the last on everyone’s list, so supplies and reinforcements generally went elsewhere. If you are interested, Barbara Tuchman wrote Stilwell and the American Experience in China, 1911-45 that deals (of necessity) with the CBI. I believe the British commander, General Slim, wrote his memoirs. Goodness, once I did history and it comes through every now and then.

  38. Worst job in the universe? Member of Kim Jong Il’s “pleasure squad.” PUKE!

    I’d rather stuff hot pepper Kim Chi up my “girl parts.”

  39. I think he and Dr J.J. “Laserbeams” Carafano should get together and write up some sort of plan! This sounds really good, guys!

  40. And then the Russians get their knickers in a twist and surreptitiously leak some nukes to Kim Chi Long Dong, who prompty sets them all off in anticipation of glory.

  41. “Soft power” is a problem cured by Cialis — not a national security strategy for North Korea.

    Instant classic. I sense that he is projecting his own soft issues onto Obama.

  42. Japan can start a nuclear weapons program only under the condition that they put a team of three sailor-suited schoolgirls in charge of it – a bossy, know-it-all one; a quiet, studious one; and a clumsy, ditzy one. That way, we know it’ll all work out right in the end.

  43. [re=331329]Internally valid[/re]: I think that is actually the biggest logic gap in this “argument”. We might have to get the CIA to covertly overthrow the Japanese government and then fill Japan with Koreans to get the to accept nuclear weapons.

  44. That pic really fungs my shui, and I think actually reading the whole article would funger it more… talk about: Hello Kitty!

  45. I’m still amazed that we let these people run the country for 8 years and they managed to get only some of us killed.

  46. The RNC has just released a competing proposal, to prove that it’s the “party of ideas”:

    1. Dress the North Koreans up as Bear Cub furries.
    2. Dress the Chinese up as Grizzly Bear furries.
    3. Have Japan yell over to North Korea, “Hey, kid, yer shoelace is untied!”
    4. !!!!!
    5. Profit

    In the meantime, I am holding North Korea responsible for any case of the trots I come down with. You’ve been warned.

  47. The alternate working title was “Kill Them All And Let God Sort ’em Out!” It came to him rather suddenly after his last weekly Stumpfucker County Republican Party/Mimosa Night meeting when he woke up in someone else’s santorum-soaked TopDog t-shirt, with a hangover and his usual self-loathing.

    Hey, shouldn’t all links to PJ Media be marked NSFW, or maybe TSFW (Too Stupid For the World)?

  48. For fuck’s sake, the chicken hawks are supposed to be of simple mind (hence their voting record), why does the simplest option escape them? Send in the Seventh Fleet (who literally have nothing else better to do, except driving over Okinawan schoolgirls) and stone-cold invade the motherfuckers! This ain’t George Bush, Obama could smile and wink and even France and New Zealand would contribute meaningful numbers of troops, if not the Chinese and the Russians outright. “Help me topple the DPRK and I’ll appear in photo-ops with you.” Not even the King of Switzerland can resist that!

    Korea isn’t Afghanistan or Iraq, the endgame won’t turn into a humongous clusterfuck: there’s already a rather stable government in Seoul that has warm, fuzzy feelings for all the people in the country (as opposed to just one or two tribes or ethnic groups, IEDing the rest), and even if the Chinese do get pissed, they won’t get pissed enough to let Juche insurgents leak through their rather tight border for some sort of guerrilla war. Motherfuckers had best grow themselves some gills for that shit.

    I thought the GOP was supposed to be the party opposed to pussy bullshit like this. “We don’t like you, so have one of our thousand-pounders. A gift, from me to you.”

  49. A contributing editor for “Family Security Matters” and a blogger at “” with a gmail address. Something tells me this Guano-gula guy washed out of ROTC in Arizona and now has a day job working security at Sears. I’m holding ALL the Republicans responsible if my car gets dented while I’m looking at the Kenmore washers

  50. “I guess Japan would become the first and only temporary nuclear state.” – Second. South Africa did this a while ago; they dismantled their weapons when the ‘need had passed’. After Apartheid ended. Because before presumably they were previously required to, erm, nuke Nelson Mandela, or something?

    Of course, Japan is in effect the closest you can be to being a nuclear armed nation without being one, anyway; they have a large nuclear industry with reprocessing, and a successful domestic space programme.

  51. we should let Japan go nuclear. … This isn’t the ’40s anymore.

    Excuse me. This isn’t the 50s anymore either. *We* don’t decide Japan’s governmental decisions.

  52. [re=331426]qwerty42[/re]: “Quartered Safe Out Here,” by George McDonald Frasier (author of the “Flashman” series of historical novels). The biography of an infantryman in the Black Cat Division under Slim. One of the best “I Was There” accounts of the WWII. (The Tuchman Stillwell book is good, too, but in a different way.)

  53. “Japan’s nuclearization — which should be temporary …”
    Hahahahahahahaha. Mumph. I see that Nick Guariglia’s Respirdal no longer works.
    Time for his step two.

  54. Hey Nicholas Guariglia,
    How about we send the 12 armies we have in Alaska to invade Kamchatka, move on to Irkutsk, then Machuria, and then Japan. That way, we can not only secure our holdings in North America (7 extra armies), but we could also draw a card. If we can hold out, we’ll cash in those cards on the next turn, move south, and establish a bastion in Australia (another 2 extra armies).

  55. I think I remember a “House” episode where a guy just back from Iraq was suffering from guariglia and had to do the worst possible overacting imaginable: I’m talking “I got shot in the foxhole dying in a John Wayne WWII B-movie” horrible overacting with enough fake blood and guts for a CSI marathon. It was more gruesome than the Cubs blowing a five-run lead to Atlanta last night — more gruesome than Michele Bachmann’s greatest thoughts. If I remember right, the late Charlton Heston was the national spokesman for the Guariglia Foundation, and I guess his suffering said it all.

  56. you know after reading a lot of (random, fabulous) posts tonight, i have to raise a glass to the founders. no matter what criteria, those boys rock. the 18th c. the 21st c. southpark.

  57. Al Gore, Go. Now.
    Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200.
    Go to Kim Jong Il and gitcho gals back.
    You might even lose some weight while you’re at it.

  58. Breathtakingly shortsighted. Give Japan Nukes??? Yeah, maybe they forgot all about Hiroshima & Nagasaki. Of coures, China would just stand by and watch us obliterate North Korea. Fighting 3 fronts at they same time is a tried and true method for victory, just ask Germany (only 2). When things really get heated up, we may find that we have a mine shaft shortage! What about preaching non-proliferation, guess thats out the window. I think its a great idea, as long as Krauthammer is lashed up to a W-80 warhead.

  59. Third, we should let Japan go nuclear. Charles Krauthammer recommends this approach, which makes great geopolitical sense. We should encourage the Japanese to amend their pacifistic constitution and start popping out A-bombs like Toyotas. A nuclear Japan is no reason to fret: it is a mature democracy, a loyal ally, and a responsible and civilized society. This isn’t the ’40s anymore.

    WTF?? No shit dumbass. This puts a whole new twist on that “built in America tested in Japan” thing doesn’t it?????

  60. Well, I’m a South Korean and I’m sure that most of South Koreans are have the same idea; Kill Kim Jong-il. But Should we have the authority to kill the North Koreans as the article says? North Koreans had suffering from dictators like Kim jong-il since 1940s. They are also suffering from starvation these days. Should we kill them just because their dear leader is against the U.S? By the way, we shouldn’t led Japan to make nuclear bombs. That will bring terror to Asia. We all know that Japan did waged war against whole Asia and Western civilzation. If U.S offer Japan to make nuclear bombs, Asian countries such as South Korea and China will turn against U.S.(You have to understand Asian coutries’ hatred to Japan. Japanese killed more than a million Asians during World War 2.However,they are not confessing their sins.)

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