• February 9, 2012

YEEESHSome Pennsylvania state Senate staffer for a very conservative Republican Lawmaker (making this “political news”) was arrested last Friday for trying to have panda furry sex with a young teenage boy. Now monstrous child-raping is not funny, but hey, they never *did* anything, so let us feel free to laugh at the hilarious details, as published in a newspaper.

According to the criminal complaint, Mr. Berlin proposed traveling to the boy’s home in Harrisburg, about 20 miles from Carlisle, and having sex in the backyard and in a shed on his parents’ property. He also allegedly offered to arrange a meeting in a hotel room so Mr. Berlin could take photos of the boy and another adult having sex.

The online communication took place on seven different days between April 27 and May 25, according to the criminal complaint. Investigators say some of the messages originated from a Senate computer.

Investigators believe Mr. Berlin and the boy met on an Internet site for “furries,” an online community of people who adopt half-animal, half-human personas. [...]

Mr. Berlin used the screen name “alan_panda_bear” in his messages. He also used that name for an online personal ad that depicts cartoonish panda bears, one wearing a diaper.

…Wait for it…

“I’m a Daddyfur and Caretaker and I am looking for a babyfur to be my mate and my companion in a long-term committed relationship,” the ad says. “I am a hopeless romantic and very affectionate, freely giving hugs, scritches, cuddles and kisses.”

Enjoy daily psychoanalysis for the rest of your life, 14-year-old boy who responded to these solicitations in a furry forum!

Orie aide accused of soliciting teen for ‘furry’ sex [Pittsburgh Post-Gazette]

{ 152 comments }

Fox n Fiends June 3, 2009 at 1:12 pm

scritches? what the fuck is that?

Joehoya June 3, 2009 at 1:12 pm

Well, the “hopeless” part is spot-on, but I’d take issue with his calling himself “romantic.”

Yes You Can Own A Piece of History June 3, 2009 at 1:16 pm

“I am a hopeless romantic and very affectionate, freely giving hugs, scritches, cuddles and kisses.”

Having furry sex in a 14 year old’s parent’s shed sound like my romantic dream!

queeraselvis v 2.0 June 3, 2009 at 1:16 pm

He also used that name for an online personal ad that depicts cartoonish panda bears, one wearing a diaper.

Hoping to catch him some Vitter vittles, eh, what?

Dave J. June 3, 2009 at 1:17 pm

Mr. Berlin used the screen name “alan_panda_bear” in his messages.

What a coincidence–my username in the sex chat rooms is “Alan Thick.”

OzoneTom June 3, 2009 at 1:17 pm

[re=330893]Fox n Fiends[/re]: I think that it’s a type of pubic louse.

charlesdegoal June 3, 2009 at 1:17 pm

“Screeches” perhaps?

facehead June 3, 2009 at 1:17 pm

Jim, you’re too good to us.

Min June 3, 2009 at 1:18 pm

I felt like hacking up a furball while reading this article. Ye gods.

BillyClubb June 3, 2009 at 1:19 pm

I’m a Daddyfur and Caretaker…

Elliot Spitzer?

YesWeKant June 3, 2009 at 1:19 pm

Do we have definitive proof that Butterstick is not involved in this at all?

facehead June 3, 2009 at 1:21 pm

I just gotta say, up until now I thought the whole “furry” thing was just some Wonkette fabrication (though I did know about ‘bears’). “Daddyfur” , “Babyfur” … ugh. ugh ugh.

I feel so disabused, am I the only one?

ihasasad June 3, 2009 at 1:21 pm

poor guy…he just wanted a 20-25 year old who could drive a car and call him daddy…IS THAT REALLY ASKING TOO MUCH??

bitchincamaro June 3, 2009 at 1:21 pm

Yay! We get to use “yiffpile” again.

dijetlo June 3, 2009 at 1:21 pm

aving sex in the backyard and in a shed on his parents’ property.
I thought daddy-pandas-bears only scritched in the woods?

ManchuCandidate June 3, 2009 at 1:21 pm

(Muskrat) Love

Panda, Panda candlelight
Trollin’ the ‘net and doin it right
In the evenin
Its pretty pleasin

Panda Furry, Panda man
Do the furry out in Penn land
And act schmoopy
As furries so creepy

And he scritched and he kissed and for cuddles
Jailin and Chargin’ the Repug
Put in with a biker thug
Jailed for Panda love

widget09 June 3, 2009 at 1:22 pm

Sounds like official PA senate “business” to me. The shock value is way down since these republican office holders have made this commonplace. Panda suite involved during encounter?

amy amnesia June 3, 2009 at 1:23 pm

I’m so curious about the scritches. Maybe I like scritches and don’t even know it?

Panda? Panda?

bhosp June 3, 2009 at 1:23 pm

The internet: it’s like Satan took a shit in your brain.

bhosp June 3, 2009 at 1:24 pm

[re=330912]facehead[/re]: This is actually relatively tame, for furries.

GaySailor June 3, 2009 at 1:24 pm

[re=330893]Fox n Fiends[/re]: Yea, I was thinking the same thing. WTF? What is a scritch? Then again, I never heard of “furries” either and, believe me, this sailor has been around the block several times…

Cicada June 3, 2009 at 1:24 pm

So, I searched for a definition of “scritching” and stumbled upon this:
http://furry.wikia.com/wiki/Scritch

Yes, Virginia, there is a furry wikipedia.

GaySailor June 3, 2009 at 1:24 pm

Sick fucking Republicans.

Woodwards Friend June 3, 2009 at 1:25 pm

Isn’t this what that Twilight film was all about?

dijetlo June 3, 2009 at 1:25 pm

[re=330911]YesWeKant[/re]: arrange a meeting in a hotel room so Mr. Berlin could take photos of the boy and another adult having sex.

Butterstick is probably being sought for questioning….

katrina June 3, 2009 at 1:26 pm

Does the scritching have anything to do with the diapers?

Monsieur Grumpe June 3, 2009 at 1:26 pm

At least it wasn’t a chicken suit. That would have been just plain wrong.

widestanceromancer June 3, 2009 at 1:27 pm

[re=330893]Fox n Fiends[/re]: It’s kind of like a Reverse Furry Sanchez, but with both parties in the same suit.

SayItWithWookies June 3, 2009 at 1:28 pm

No wonder they’re against abortion.

rereridiculous June 3, 2009 at 1:28 pm

[re=330927]Cicada[/re]: The picture in that article is priceless. And by priceless, I mean creepy (and hilarious!) as fuck.

GaySailor June 3, 2009 at 1:28 pm

Gays and lesbians can not serve in the military, but there is no “Don’t Ask / Don’t Tell” policy for furries. As long as the furry isn’t a pedophile or has sex with an opposite sex furry then they can serve in the military.

snideinplainsight June 3, 2009 at 1:28 pm

Well, that’s about the most type anyone has spent on contemplating something romantic happening in Harrisburg, anyway.

Min June 3, 2009 at 1:29 pm

[re=330927]Cicada[/re]: I’m glad to know that it’s considered “bad form” to scritch strangers. I wonder if that includes college mascots?

marioninnyc June 3, 2009 at 1:29 pm

[re=330893]Fox n Fiends[/re]: There was a classic CSI episode about furries which defined scritches and all their other little terms. I believe it was called: Fur and Loathing in Las Vegas, because CSI has a pun fetish.

GaySailor June 3, 2009 at 1:29 pm

[re=330931]dijetlo[/re]: Yes, I’d say Butterstick would be a prime suspect. Any polar bear named “Butterstick” would be a prime suspect for lots of sick Republican behavior.

as the world burns June 3, 2009 at 1:30 pm

[re=330912]facehead[/re]: there was an episode of CSI a few years back that had furries in it. those shows are all based loosely on true stories, as truth is usually stranger than fiction…
there was a ‘diaperman’ episode too.

GaySailor June 3, 2009 at 1:30 pm

Is Mr. Berlin actually Karl Rove wearing a weave?

GaySailor June 3, 2009 at 1:32 pm

I just was exposed to human horse fetish sex through HBO. I thought I was knowledgeable in the area of sex because I’m a gay sailor, but SHIT, Republicans are ALWAYS coming up with new shit… I can’t keep up with them.

charlesdegoal June 3, 2009 at 1:32 pm

[re=330927]Cicada[/re]: Google! Shoudda thought of it!

Rev. Peter Lemonjello June 3, 2009 at 1:33 pm

[re=330930]Woodwards Friend[/re]: You’re thinking of The Reader.

Also, I really don’t understand this furry sex thing. You know those costumes have to smell like the inside of a baby’s casket. Kind of like having sex with someone who’s been wearing leather pants all night. Blech.

GaySailor June 3, 2009 at 1:33 pm

Instead of crabs, do furries get fleas during sex if they aren’t clean?

mackensie June 3, 2009 at 1:33 pm

A Boston Herald article the other day points out:

“Authorities also found a wolf costume and cat-type costume while searching Berlin’s home, but the panda costume has not been found.”

Who could have it? Spector? Santorum most likely.

SmutBoffin June 3, 2009 at 1:34 pm

This is all so odd. I suspect of us here grew up watching cartoons where anthropomorphized rabbits in drag would be all kissin’ on the very men who were hunting them, but never felt the need to strike up relationships with old men to play dress-up with. What is it about the internet that causes people to do dumb things (e.g. Gingrich, Paultards)? When you grow up with a constant stream of insane/inane crap that goes straight from the intarnet to your brain, I guess you are bound to be poorly socialized and have confused sexual/species identity.

nappyduggs June 3, 2009 at 1:34 pm

Gack. I thought that in political circles this type of rot only extended to Walter Cronkite dressed as an owl while Clinton and Dubya danced naked around a totem. But this- this shit is just sick and pedestrian.

Naked Bunny with a Whip June 3, 2009 at 1:35 pm

Even among furries, this guy is a nut. You don’t take babyfurs as mates. Granted, most furs aren’t Republicans, either, what with all the rampant uncloseted polyamorous homosexuality.

Or, uh, so I’ve heard.

as the world burns June 3, 2009 at 1:35 pm

[re=330949]GaySailor[/re]: horses, donkeys, …stick around wonkette long enough, and you’ll learn all kinds of things. like this !
http://wonkette.com/408277/secessionist-mule-raping-georgia-governor-candidate-would-also-kill-own-son-for-liberty

Mr Blifil June 3, 2009 at 1:36 pm

Maybe it’s me, but his claim to want a “longterm committed relationship” doesn’t really seem to stand up so well to scrutiny.

19kevin8 June 3, 2009 at 1:37 pm

jeebus h gawd, where the fuck do these people COME from?

octupletsmom June 3, 2009 at 1:38 pm

Haha. Here in the Cascades/OlyPen side of the country, it would have been a Sasquatch.

Packherd June 3, 2009 at 1:38 pm

Everything I now know about the state of Pennsylvania has come from The Office and this story.

Lascauxcaveman June 3, 2009 at 1:40 pm

Dude looks like Harry Potter after losing his magical powers, aging twenty hard years as an alcoholic file clerk for some faceless socialist government agency all the while having a string of gay lovers abuse him horribly with unspeakble acts of degradation both public and private.

I wonder what his real excuse is? Probably best not to think about it.

Scarab June 3, 2009 at 1:40 pm

I’m switching to the Furries web site because apparently you can type anything there without getting banned.

digibal235 June 3, 2009 at 1:41 pm

Scrithces, bitches.

Min June 3, 2009 at 1:41 pm

[re=330962]Naked Bunny with a Whip[/re]: And here I thought the “naked bunny” part of your name was metaphorical.

Jsab June 3, 2009 at 1:42 pm

[re=330970]Packherd[/re]: haha. this has creed all over it.

Check out the gitmo wusses

the problem child June 3, 2009 at 1:42 pm

[re=330893]Fox n Fiends[/re]: “scritches” If you had any human friends, you would know, Fox, that “scritches” are the equivalent of an orgasm (for the furry one) in human-furry interactions. They are generally applied behind the ears and around the back of the neck, using a fair amount of brisk fingertip action. Scritches are what makes the furry ones appreciate our bipedalism, just as can openers are what make them appreciate our opposable thumbs.

crapistani June 3, 2009 at 1:43 pm

In the context of furrie love, “Eats, Shoots and Leaves” takes on ghastly new meaning.

gjdodger June 3, 2009 at 1:43 pm

Wait’ll he finds out how his cellmate Bubba gives skritches. I’ll give you a hint–it leaves a mark.

Naked Bunny with a Whip June 3, 2009 at 1:45 pm

those shows are all based loosely on true stories

Yes, in the same sense that The Terminator is based loosely on the robot stories of Isaac Asimov.

“Fur and Loathing in Las Vegas” was an awesome episode, though. I wish real furcons were half as fun (and just as deadly).

Servo June 3, 2009 at 1:50 pm

I didn’t need to see the photo. I just knew that he looked like Mitch McConnell. They all do.

FormerDCite June 3, 2009 at 1:50 pm

And NAMBLA is proud to award the Vitter/Foley prize for most creepy use of the internet goes to…

ihasasad June 3, 2009 at 1:51 pm

[re=330959]SmutBoffin[/re]: i think strange/trippy/odd behaviors have been around forever (you know our ancestors the Cave Men probably sat around and put on furs and got each other all in a lather) it’s just that now, we have this Super Highway right at our finger tips and we don’t have to look for the red hanky hanging out of the left pocket of a fellow wearing a black cap and a neck tie with polka-dots. And since we don’t have to work so hard at finding groups that are as messed up as we are, i mean, share our likes, we’re getting lazy and sending emails from work computers and not cleaning off our hard drives. We’ve always done dumb things it’s just that things used to be slower and we could catch our mistakes or at least dress them up a bit before they got out.

teebob2000 June 3, 2009 at 1:54 pm

[re=330893]Fox n Fiends[/re]: I give my doggies scritches all the time. Y’know, they roll onto their back and I scritchy-scratch their tummies.

Now, translated to adult-male-on-preteen-boy interaction… well, it’s sort of lost…

randomsausage June 3, 2009 at 1:55 pm

This makes my trawling the Internet, looking for cheap hookers, look positively wholesome.

katrina June 3, 2009 at 1:55 pm

Sooooooo, there’s “good” scritch and there’s “bad” scritch?

Mista Eko June 3, 2009 at 1:56 pm

Daddyfur is the new whore diamonds. Cocktober has come early!

facehead June 3, 2009 at 1:59 pm

[re=330912]facehead[/re]: Looks like I’m in the same boat as [re=330926]GaySailor[/re].

orange June 3, 2009 at 1:59 pm

“alan_panda_bear”

damn. that was the name we had picked out for my son.

zenferret June 3, 2009 at 2:00 pm

[re=330958]mackensie[/re]: Santorum is into turtles not furry critters

genericuserid June 3, 2009 at 2:00 pm

WOW. God freaking dammit, I love this country! I have total rspect for a private citizens’ right to go absolutely batsh*t crazy and plaster it all over the internet.

That being said, I’m never ever ever going anywhere near Pennsylvania, ever.

hobospacejunkie June 3, 2009 at 2:02 pm

I realize it was overdone when our Wonkette first magically presented this story, but 50+ comments and not one mention of Sexual Harrassment Panda? You’re bustin’ my balls, man, bustin’ my balls.

Yes You Can Own A Piece of History June 3, 2009 at 2:03 pm

[re=330984]the problem child[/re]: The more you know, etc. Petting my dog just became creepy.

Zadig June 3, 2009 at 2:07 pm

[re=330912]facehead[/re]: I already knew more than this. 4chan has the tendency to dilate the aperture of your mind, in ways terrible and hilarious.

And Naked Bunny is right, this guy is FUCKED, even for a furry. Babyfurs are the diaper fetishists, yet despite his Vitter-ly tendencies he lumps himself in with the daddyfurs. God, I wish I knew less about this shit than I did.

Now, Bunny, if you really want to freak people out, post that babyfur comic thing with the bunny guy pissing his pants yelling “BAAAWWWWWWW!” I might, but I don’t have it, and I’d really rather not tempt the wrath of the banhammer.

TJBeck June 3, 2009 at 2:07 pm

http://furry.wikia.com/wiki/Alan_T._Panda

At least the furry wiki isn’t like Conservipedia or something, omitting anything that looks bad. Like pretend-bestiality pedophilia.

Carrot Stick June 3, 2009 at 2:08 pm

Apparently, even the “furry” version of the panda does not know the right way to fuck to save its own species.

EricSaeger June 3, 2009 at 2:08 pm

Reading this type of child-porn docu-horror makes my taint feel like it’s being licked by a giant scratchy tongue, that just finished eating Purina Grizzly Chow.

TJBeck June 3, 2009 at 2:09 pm

Wow.

Pounced.org
From WikiFur, the furry encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search
Pounced.org

Pounced.org is a furry personals page dedicated to helping furs find other furries as friends or as mates. As of March 2006, Pounced.org lists over 10,000 users, and more than 3,000 personal advertisements.

* Address: http://www.pounced.org
* Mottos: Get Pounced! – Have you been pounced yet?
* From/To: 13 March 2003 – present

Advertisements are sorted by location, gender (male, female, and transgender), species, age, and type of relationship sought (friends, activity partners, short or long term, or for casual sex).

There is no registration required to look through the ads, but some contact details are hidden. Ads must be changed every 4 months or they are removed from the search pool. No one under the age of 18 may join this service. This was upped from 16 on May 30th, 2007.

http://www.pounced.org

You can browse by “General Species”
http://www.pounced.org/personals/browseads.php?hby=Species-General

AKAM80TheWolf June 3, 2009 at 2:10 pm

[re=330926]GaySailor[/re]: How YOU doin’?

Before I looked at the caption on that photo, I wasn’t sure if that was the perp, the female state senator that he was an aide to, or the 15 year old boy.

sweetcandy June 3, 2009 at 2:16 pm

I bet this sick-tard is part of NAMBLA (not sure if that’s the right word and I will not look it up to see either) too.

AKAM80TheWolf June 3, 2009 at 2:16 pm

Man, if they would’ve made it to the shed, that boy could have seen Alan T. Panda’s “small” government in action.

NoWireHangers June 3, 2009 at 2:17 pm

[re=330927]Cicada[/re]: It is generally better to pat a fursuiter than to scritch them, as it has less chance of matting the fur.

Ah! Ah! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Filed under things I now know that I never needed to know.

Woodwards Friend June 3, 2009 at 2:20 pm

Hey Larry Craig, how does second place feel?

louballz June 3, 2009 at 2:21 pm

Pedo-Bear approved, on the prime meridian of the Vitter-Foley axis, i.e., a GOPedo-diaper.

Cicada June 3, 2009 at 2:21 pm

So it turns out that “Alan T. Panda” is also into magic the gathering. Are there no depths too low, Alan??

http://furrypanda.livejournal.com/profile

nbawriter June 3, 2009 at 2:21 pm

I remember the good ol’ days, when cow-tipping and watching Billy Owens play hoops were sufficient to overcome the misery of living in Carlisle.

proudgrampa June 3, 2009 at 2:21 pm

So. THIS is uplifting the level of discourse here??? WTF?

I am SO glad my son is getting out of PA. Jebus.

assistant/atlas June 3, 2009 at 2:21 pm

“Enjoy daily psychoanalysis for the rest of your life”….jeebus effin x, I feel like I need therapy after reading that.

doxastic June 3, 2009 at 2:23 pm

[re=330967]19kevin8[/re]: It seems from the intrepid commenter research that they come from scritches.

McDuff June 3, 2009 at 2:28 pm

After reading about Alan Panda, never have I been so thankful to be relatively normal and totaly boring.

Country Club Jihadi June 3, 2009 at 2:28 pm

Alan David Berlin anagram = Dad Bear Villain

ZorinZorin June 3, 2009 at 2:29 pm

[re=330893]Fox n Fiends[/re] SCRITCHES ARE LOVING SCRATCHES WHILST BE-COSTUMED!

norbizness June 3, 2009 at 2:31 pm

Why can’t they be dumped in Yellowstone with their birth-bear brethren?

norbizness June 3, 2009 at 2:32 pm

P.S. In case anybody wondered what the offspring of a three way between Andy Partridge, Janet Reno, and Bill Gates would look like, wonder no longer.

facehead June 3, 2009 at 2:32 pm

[re=331019]TJBeck[/re]: Check this out, a list of furry actions:

http://furry.wikia.com/wiki/Category:Actions

Amongst them: floof, fuzzle, glomp, and scritch (with a Sprint ad to boot).

Apparently there are conventions, MFF (Midwest FurFest) has been going on since 2000.

IMPORTANT QUESTION: what if my fantasy is to be a Peruvian Hairless Dog?

Terry June 3, 2009 at 2:34 pm

I sincerely hope that he’s convicted under a law for which he was a strong advocate.

Jamie Sommers June 3, 2009 at 2:34 pm

[re=330967]19kevin8[/re]: The Republican Party. Haven’t you been paying attention?

Buck1962 June 3, 2009 at 2:35 pm

Long time reader, first time poster…

[re=330993]Servo[/re]: WIN!

ZorinZorin June 3, 2009 at 2:36 pm

[re=331050]facehead[/re]: CONFURENCES, TOO!

Naked Bunny with a Whip June 3, 2009 at 2:36 pm

[re=331050]facehead[/re]: Then even furs will shake our heads at your sad little dream, loser. Hypothetically.

pdiddycornchips June 3, 2009 at 2:38 pm

Off topic but my brother travels around the country visiting various theme parks dressed as Papa Smurf. When I ask him about it he says it’s because he’s an actor and he’s hoping he’ll be discovered but I never really bought it. I doubt Hollywood is trolling theme parks looking for the next Tom Hanks inside a Bugs Bunny outfit. Do you think my other brothers and I should stage an intervention?

FMA June 3, 2009 at 2:40 pm

As a native of this part of Pennsylvania, which we lovingly call Pennsytucky or, alternatively, West Virgina-Eastern Chapter, welcome to my hell. This part of the state is like small-town America as envision by David Lynch.

The Unfairman June 3, 2009 at 2:40 pm

[re=330912]facehead[/re]: Yes, you are the only one who feels disabused. Some of us feel very severely abusedabused.

Country Club Jihadi June 3, 2009 at 2:41 pm

I think Alan’s parents mistakenly used Frontline instead of birth control.

katrina June 3, 2009 at 2:44 pm

Send Waggs to get pix of a jury of his peers.

19kevin8 June 3, 2009 at 2:45 pm

[re=331057]pdiddycornchips[/re]: I think it would be more fun if you just knocked him out every now and again.

norbizness June 3, 2009 at 2:46 pm

PDiddy: If by intervention you mean a quasi-waterboarding where you fill his foam headpiece with water, then yes.

Fear of a Black Reagan June 3, 2009 at 2:49 pm

[re=330954]Rev. Peter Lemonjello[/re]: Also, I really don’t understand this furry sex thing. You know those costumes have to smell like the inside of a baby’s casket.

What’s your point?

19kevin8 June 3, 2009 at 2:50 pm

[re=331055]Naked Bunny with a Whip[/re]: Before this article, your name brought to mind hot naked girls with S&M gear on, now… *shudder*

WadISay June 3, 2009 at 2:51 pm

Is it still OK to say, I threw up in my mouth a little?

[re=330967]19kevin8[/re]: I’m guessing some point midway between their navel and their knees.

qwerty42 June 3, 2009 at 2:53 pm

[re=330946]as the world burns[/re]: there was an episode of CSI a few years back that had furries in it….
haven’t there been a few about a dom?
[re=330944]GaySailor[/re]: …Any polar bear named “Butterstick”… I think that is Knut (maybe plays one of the polar bears on Lost?); Butterstick is a panda (AMC was a fan).

Fear of a Black Reagan June 3, 2009 at 2:53 pm

[re=331032]Cicada[/re]: Wow, that livejournal page is like staring into the fucking abyss of desolation. Figures he’s on livejournal, being a furry and all.

Naked Bunny with a Whip June 3, 2009 at 2:58 pm

[re=331075]19kevin8[/re]: Daaw.

I think everyone here needs a nice hug and scritch in the shower.

pdiddycornchips June 3, 2009 at 2:59 pm

[re=331062]19kevin8[/re]:

Papa Smurf is already surly and mean. Won’t that just make him more so? He’s one of these actors that never really leaves his character behind when the show is over. He once played a Neanderthal in an off broadway play called Living Cave Paintings. The play revolves around a small bonfire. The actors actually build a small fire on stage as the show progresses. On one occasion, the fire department showed up in force and put the fire out. My brother never once broke character. On second thought, you’re right. I should hit him in the head with a shovel.

NopantsMcGee June 3, 2009 at 3:04 pm

What the Yiff?

PrairiePossum June 3, 2009 at 3:05 pm

If only the undercover cops could have enticed Daddyfur to come over for some little boy furry action in the backyard shed, imagine the great YouTube video when he realized there would be no scritches for him that night.

19kevin8 June 3, 2009 at 3:06 pm

[re=331098]pdiddycornchips[/re]: Halfway through reading that post, I was thinking “just use a bat,” but I see you’ve gone a step further, and opted for a shovel. I applaud your imagination, your dedication, and I wish you the best with that intervention. Oh, and don’t forget to take some video, post it on Youtube, and then throw the link up on here.

[re=331093]Naked Bunny with a Whip[/re]: Scritching actually sounds like it would be kind of pleasant, if not for the whole getting-busy-in-animal-costumes angle.

Crab1 June 3, 2009 at 3:10 pm

This monster should be Gitmo’d. Or put on display at the National Zoo.

Naked Bunny with a Whip June 3, 2009 at 3:12 pm

[re=331120]19kevin8[/re]: Most furs don’t wear costumes while scritching, just like most Republicans don’t wear condoms during their shameful gay sex.

AxmxZ June 3, 2009 at 3:16 pm

[re=330976]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: As far as fanfic scenarios go, this one’s pretty vanilla.

19kevin8 June 3, 2009 at 3:20 pm

What is the furry term for felching?

Not_So_Much June 3, 2009 at 3:20 pm

[re=331093]Naked Bunny with a Whip[/re]: I typically use the indoor toilet for scritching, but that’s just me.

What’s the Penn NAMBLA chapter going to do for an new Activities Director? I’m guessing fewer zoo trips, for starters…

arclight June 3, 2009 at 3:36 pm

I remember furries back in college – they were all over internet bulletin boards like ISCA BBS doing their virtual cuddling and all that. I figured it was part of the fat bisexual pagan conspiracy, not the right wing fundie conspiracy.

Curious.

Mr Blifil June 3, 2009 at 3:37 pm

[re=331148]19kevin8[/re]: Missionary?

S.Luggo June 3, 2009 at 3:37 pm

The Furry Libertarian Party has a new Head Panda.
Runner-up: http://www.latimes.com/news/nationworld/nation/wire/sns-ap-us-sex-with-animals,1,6867891.story

Larry McAwful June 3, 2009 at 3:41 pm

[re=330912]facehead[/re]: I don’t feel disabused, no. Someone told me about the furries years ago. But I know what you mean: I was absolutely certain that the first source I heard this from was making it up. I thought there was no way such a thing could exist, and kept thinking that until I heard about it from other sources. I wondered if it was just an urban myth, like cow tipping or good Massachusetts drivers, but no.

I don’t know what else to tell you. Now you know it exists, and there’s no way to unknow it. Though it’s worth trying to.

Aloysius June 3, 2009 at 3:42 pm

[re=331115]PrairiePossum[/re]: Oh, he’s getting scritched all right, unless they put him in solitary for his own safety.

Carrie_Okie June 3, 2009 at 3:42 pm

Family Values.
Also.

queeraselvis v 2.0 June 3, 2009 at 3:42 pm

[re=331148]19kevin8[/re]: Hairballing.

the problem child June 3, 2009 at 3:45 pm

[re=331057]pdiddycornchips[/re]: Definitely hard to be discovered in a Papa Smurf costume. Maybe he’s just shy?

19kevin8 June 3, 2009 at 3:52 pm

[re=331198]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: Now I wish I hadn’t asked.

gurukalehuru June 3, 2009 at 3:53 pm

Feel free to scritch wherever you’ve got an atch.

Lascauxcaveman June 3, 2009 at 4:33 pm

[re=331140]AxmxZ[/re]: OK, so I’m no JK Rowling. This much I know.

Jukesgrrl June 3, 2009 at 4:48 pm

Years ago I read a 700-page-long piece of Serious Investigative Journalism about furries in Vanity Fair. I think it was written by Christopher Scritchens.

ZombieRichardFeynman June 3, 2009 at 5:11 pm

[re=330912]facehead[/re]: I confess that I too thought that furries were just a made-up part of the Wonkette riff on the Crazyness Of It All. How did that song line go; “I wish I didn’t know now what I didn’t know then”.

Dean Booth June 3, 2009 at 5:18 pm

[re=330923]bhosp[/re]: I read your post as

The internet: it’s like Santa took a shit in your brain.

Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa (and he’s a Daddyfur).

hobospacejunkie June 3, 2009 at 5:19 pm

[re=331179]S.Luggo[/re]: Dude couldn’t even trust his furry friends not to rat him out when doing what comes naturally. The story didn’t say whether chocolate sauce or peanut butter was involved. And they wonder why people don’t read newspapers anymore.

problemwithcaring June 3, 2009 at 5:55 pm

Talk ya’ll shit, but Repubs ain’t changing, man. I suspect you’re going to have to pry their pedophilic dicks from their cold, dead hands.

Mara47 June 3, 2009 at 6:12 pm

[re=330893]Fox n Fiends[/re]: Oh honey, don’t you know? It’s whack-adorable Ohio-ese for “scratches.” I dated a guy once (and I do mean ONCE) who used that word. Creeped me the fuck OUT.

PerhapsSo June 3, 2009 at 6:24 pm

This is furry day in the news. There was also some guy in Washington state who was sentenced for having sex with his dogs. His furry friends turned him in. For real. http://www.philly.com/philly/wires/ap/news/nation_world/46720952.html

NYNYNY June 3, 2009 at 6:25 pm

Republican: Dog furry; Conservative Republican: Lion furry; Very Conservative Republican: Panda furry. It’s all just code.

Mara47 June 3, 2009 at 6:25 pm

[re=331469]Mara47[/re]: Oh, “scritch” really does mean something furry now? Hmm. And here I thought that guy was only creepy, not also, like, a Repuglickan. Obviously, my life has become much too normal. I need to sit through “A Thousand Clowns” a few times for therapy. While scritching a pretend cat.

jimstoic June 3, 2009 at 6:37 pm

Maybe nip that pscyhoanalysis thing in the bud with some Scientology! If only you were a celebrity.

DangerousLiberal June 3, 2009 at 6:57 pm

Thus beginneth Endless Cummer–now, with Furries(tm)! It’s like getting extra charms in your Lucky Charms. Bonus!

Moleman v2.5 June 3, 2009 at 7:26 pm

[re=331529]DangerousLiberal[/re]:

Well, they say June goes down like a Panda and throws up like a Penguin.

smellyal8r June 3, 2009 at 8:20 pm

[re=330939]snideinplainsight[/re]: Notice he probably would have preferred Carlisle, though. Harrisburg is like Bruge. Plus, there’s the whole “we can get it on in your parents shed” business. Nice. And, if he wants someone who’s “20 to 25″ what’s he doing hitting on this high school sophomore? Most of those PA Senate staffers have some real problems. God knows what else is out there.

Paul Tardy June 3, 2009 at 9:28 pm

“furry conventions aren’t about kinky sex between weirdos gussied up in foxy costumes” – Wikipedia.org

“Alan T. Panda (real name Alan David Berlin, also known as Furrypanda and Alan Panda Bear; born November 14, 1968)[1] is a fursuiter and “daddyfur/caretaker with a cub side” whose interests include babyfurs.” – furry.wikia.com

Where furries meet furries http://www.pounced.org

Barrett808 June 3, 2009 at 10:17 pm

[re=331687]Paul Tardy[/re]: Well, it’s right here: “Two vixen dominatrices seek male playmate.”

Nothing kinky or foxy about that.

ladymacbeth June 3, 2009 at 10:48 pm

[re=330939]snideinplainsight[/re]: this made me laugh more than i’ve laughed in many months as i’ve just spent a lot of (very sad) time in harrisburg.

this however, was before i realized — along with a gabazillion other commentaters on this thread — that this furry thing is real.

so now i sit in mute stunned silence listening to commercial radio with my cats.

sezme June 3, 2009 at 10:59 pm

[re=331007]orange[/re]: Don’t worry, now that he’s been arrested, he’s changing his name to “custer_panda.”

rebellitor June 4, 2009 at 9:11 am

My eyes!!!

iolanthe June 4, 2009 at 12:42 pm

My family has used the word “skritch” for years, but always in the context of normal non-creepy human/feline interaction. Skritching uses shorter lighter strokes than scratching, and, yes, usually involves the neck and around the ears, and sometimes the chin.

Now I’ll think of this creepy asshole every time I hear it.
Thanks loads.

Gallowglass June 4, 2009 at 9:31 pm

I’m guessing this guy is gonna get penal fur-vitude for his crimes.

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