Wonkette
Some Pennsylvania state Senate staffer for a very conservative Republican Lawmaker (making this “political news”) was arrested last Friday for trying to have panda furry sex with a young teenage boy. Now monstrous child-raping is not funny, but hey, they never *did* anything, so let us feel free to laugh at the hilarious details, as published in a newspaper.
According to the criminal complaint, Mr. Berlin proposed traveling to the boy’s home in Harrisburg, about 20 miles from Carlisle, and having sex in the backyard and in a shed on his parents’ property. He also allegedly offered to arrange a meeting in a hotel room so Mr. Berlin could take photos of the boy and another adult having sex.
The online communication took place on seven different days between April 27 and May 25, according to the criminal complaint. Investigators say some of the messages originated from a Senate computer.
Investigators believe Mr. Berlin and the boy met on an Internet site for “furries,” an online community of people who adopt half-animal, half-human personas. [...]
Mr. Berlin used the screen name “alan_panda_bear” in his messages. He also used that name for an online personal ad that depicts cartoonish panda bears, one wearing a diaper.
…Wait for it…
“I’m a Daddyfur and Caretaker and I am looking for a babyfur to be my mate and my companion in a long-term committed relationship,” the ad says. “I am a hopeless romantic and very affectionate, freely giving hugs, scritches, cuddles and kisses.”
Enjoy daily psychoanalysis for the rest of your life, 14-year-old boy who responded to these solicitations in a furry forum!
Orie aide accused of soliciting teen for ‘furry’ sex [Pittsburgh Post-Gazette]
scritches? what the fuck is that?
Well, the “hopeless” part is spot-on, but I’d take issue with his calling himself “romantic.”
“I am a hopeless romantic and very affectionate, freely giving hugs, scritches, cuddles and kisses.”
Having furry sex in a 14 year old’s parent’s shed sound like my romantic dream!
He also used that name for an online personal ad that depicts cartoonish panda bears, one wearing a diaper.
Hoping to catch him some Vitter vittles, eh, what?
Mr. Berlin used the screen name “alan_panda_bear” in his messages.
What a coincidence–my username in the sex chat rooms is “Alan Thick.”
Fox n Fiends: I think that it’s a type of pubic louse.
“Screeches” perhaps?
Jim, you’re too good to us.
I felt like hacking up a furball while reading this article. Ye gods.
I’m a Daddyfur and Caretaker…
Elliot Spitzer?
Do we have definitive proof that Butterstick is not involved in this at all?
I just gotta say, up until now I thought the whole “furry” thing was just some Wonkette fabrication (though I did know about ‘bears’). “Daddyfur” , “Babyfur” … ugh. ugh ugh.
I feel so disabused, am I the only one?
poor guy…he just wanted a 20-25 year old who could drive a car and call him daddy…IS THAT REALLY ASKING TOO MUCH??
Yay! We get to use “yiffpile” again.
aving sex in the backyard and in a shed on his parents’ property.
I thought daddy-pandas-bears only scritched in the woods?
(Muskrat) Love
Panda, Panda candlelight
Trollin’ the ‘net and doin it right
In the evenin
Its pretty pleasin
Panda Furry, Panda man
Do the furry out in Penn land
And act schmoopy
As furries so creepy
And he scritched and he kissed and for cuddles
Jailin and Chargin’ the Repug
Put in with a biker thug
Jailed for Panda love
Sounds like official PA senate “business” to me. The shock value is way down since these republican office holders have made this commonplace. Panda suite involved during encounter?
I’m so curious about the scritches. Maybe I like scritches and don’t even know it?
Panda? Panda?
The internet: it’s like Satan took a shit in your brain.
facehead: This is actually relatively tame, for furries.
Fox n Fiends: Yea, I was thinking the same thing. WTF? What is a scritch? Then again, I never heard of “furries” either and, believe me, this sailor has been around the block several times…
So, I searched for a definition of “scritching” and stumbled upon this:
http://furry.wikia.com/wiki/Scritch
Yes, Virginia, there is a furry wikipedia.
Sick fucking Republicans.
Isn’t this what that Twilight film was all about?
YesWeKant: arrange a meeting in a hotel room so Mr. Berlin could take photos of the boy and another adult having sex.
Butterstick is probably being sought for questioning….
Does the scritching have anything to do with the diapers?
At least it wasn’t a chicken suit. That would have been just plain wrong.
Fox n Fiends: It’s kind of like a Reverse Furry Sanchez, but with both parties in the same suit.
No wonder they’re against abortion.
Cicada: The picture in that article is priceless. And by priceless, I mean creepy (and hilarious!) as fuck.
Gays and lesbians can not serve in the military, but there is no “Don’t Ask / Don’t Tell” policy for furries. As long as the furry isn’t a pedophile or has sex with an opposite sex furry then they can serve in the military.
Well, that’s about the most type anyone has spent on contemplating something romantic happening in Harrisburg, anyway.
Cicada: I’m glad to know that it’s considered “bad form” to scritch strangers. I wonder if that includes college mascots?
Fox n Fiends: There was a classic CSI episode about furries which defined scritches and all their other little terms. I believe it was called: Fur and Loathing in Las Vegas, because CSI has a pun fetish.
dijetlo: Yes, I’d say Butterstick would be a prime suspect. Any polar bear named “Butterstick” would be a prime suspect for lots of sick Republican behavior.
facehead: there was an episode of CSI a few years back that had furries in it. those shows are all based loosely on true stories, as truth is usually stranger than fiction…
there was a ‘diaperman’ episode too.
Is Mr. Berlin actually Karl Rove wearing a weave?
I just was exposed to human horse fetish sex through HBO. I thought I was knowledgeable in the area of sex because I’m a gay sailor, but SHIT, Republicans are ALWAYS coming up with new shit… I can’t keep up with them.
Cicada: Google! Shoudda thought of it!
Woodwards Friend: You’re thinking of The Reader.
Also, I really don’t understand this furry sex thing. You know those costumes have to smell like the inside of a baby’s casket. Kind of like having sex with someone who’s been wearing leather pants all night. Blech.
Instead of crabs, do furries get fleas during sex if they aren’t clean?
A Boston Herald article the other day points out:
“Authorities also found a wolf costume and cat-type costume while searching Berlin’s home, but the panda costume has not been found.”
Who could have it? Spector? Santorum most likely.
This is all so odd. I suspect of us here grew up watching cartoons where anthropomorphized rabbits in drag would be all kissin’ on the very men who were hunting them, but never felt the need to strike up relationships with old men to play dress-up with. What is it about the internet that causes people to do dumb things (e.g. Gingrich, Paultards)? When you grow up with a constant stream of insane/inane crap that goes straight from the intarnet to your brain, I guess you are bound to be poorly socialized and have confused sexual/species identity.
Gack. I thought that in political circles this type of rot only extended to Walter Cronkite dressed as an owl while Clinton and Dubya danced naked around a totem. But this- this shit is just sick and pedestrian.
Even among furries, this guy is a nut. You don’t take babyfurs as mates. Granted, most furs aren’t Republicans, either, what with all the rampant uncloseted polyamorous homosexuality.
Or, uh, so I’ve heard.
GaySailor: horses, donkeys, …stick around wonkette long enough, and you’ll learn all kinds of things. like this !
http://wonkette.com/408277/secessionist-mule-raping-georgia-governor-candidate-would-also-kill-own-son-for-liberty
Maybe it’s me, but his claim to want a “longterm committed relationship” doesn’t really seem to stand up so well to scrutiny.
jeebus h gawd, where the fuck do these people COME from?
Haha. Here in the Cascades/OlyPen side of the country, it would have been a Sasquatch.
Everything I now know about the state of Pennsylvania has come from The Office and this story.
Dude looks like Harry Potter after losing his magical powers, aging twenty hard years as an alcoholic file clerk for some faceless socialist government agency all the while having a string of gay lovers abuse him horribly with unspeakble acts of degradation both public and private.
I wonder what his real excuse is? Probably best not to think about it.
I’m switching to the Furries web site because apparently you can type anything there without getting banned.
Scrithces, bitches.
Naked Bunny with a Whip: And here I thought the “naked bunny” part of your name was metaphorical.
Packherd: haha. this has creed all over it.
Check out the gitmo wusses
Fox n Fiends: “scritches” If you had any human friends, you would know, Fox, that “scritches” are the equivalent of an orgasm (for the furry one) in human-furry interactions. They are generally applied behind the ears and around the back of the neck, using a fair amount of brisk fingertip action. Scritches are what makes the furry ones appreciate our bipedalism, just as can openers are what make them appreciate our opposable thumbs.
In the context of furrie love, “Eats, Shoots and Leaves” takes on ghastly new meaning.
Wait’ll he finds out how his cellmate Bubba gives skritches. I’ll give you a hint–it leaves a mark.
those shows are all based loosely on true stories
Yes, in the same sense that The Terminator is based loosely on the robot stories of Isaac Asimov.
“Fur and Loathing in Las Vegas” was an awesome episode, though. I wish real furcons were half as fun (and just as deadly).
I didn’t need to see the photo. I just knew that he looked like Mitch McConnell. They all do.
And NAMBLA is proud to award the Vitter/Foley prize for most creepy use of the internet goes to…
SmutBoffin: i think strange/trippy/odd behaviors have been around forever (you know our ancestors the Cave Men probably sat around and put on furs and got each other all in a lather) it’s just that now, we have this Super Highway right at our finger tips and we don’t have to look for the red hanky hanging out of the left pocket of a fellow wearing a black cap and a neck tie with polka-dots. And since we don’t have to work so hard at finding groups that are as messed up as we are, i mean, share our likes, we’re getting lazy and sending emails from work computers and not cleaning off our hard drives. We’ve always done dumb things it’s just that things used to be slower and we could catch our mistakes or at least dress them up a bit before they got out.
Fox n Fiends: I give my doggies scritches all the time. Y’know, they roll onto their back and I scritchy-scratch their tummies.
Now, translated to adult-male-on-preteen-boy interaction… well, it’s sort of lost…
This makes my trawling the Internet, looking for cheap hookers, look positively wholesome.
Sooooooo, there’s “good” scritch and there’s “bad” scritch?
Daddyfur is the new whore diamonds. Cocktober has come early!
facehead: Looks like I’m in the same boat as GaySailor.
“alan_panda_bear”
damn. that was the name we had picked out for my son.
mackensie: Santorum is into turtles not furry critters
WOW. God freaking dammit, I love this country! I have total rspect for a private citizens’ right to go absolutely batsh*t crazy and plaster it all over the internet.
That being said, I’m never ever ever going anywhere near Pennsylvania, ever.
I realize it was overdone when our Wonkette first magically presented this story, but 50+ comments and not one mention of Sexual Harrassment Panda? You’re bustin’ my balls, man, bustin’ my balls.
the problem child: The more you know, etc. Petting my dog just became creepy.
facehead: I already knew more than this. 4chan has the tendency to dilate the aperture of your mind, in ways terrible and hilarious.
And Naked Bunny is right, this guy is FUCKED, even for a furry. Babyfurs are the diaper fetishists, yet despite his Vitter-ly tendencies he lumps himself in with the daddyfurs. God, I wish I knew less about this shit than I did.
Now, Bunny, if you really want to freak people out, post that babyfur comic thing with the bunny guy pissing his pants yelling “BAAAWWWWWWW!” I might, but I don’t have it, and I’d really rather not tempt the wrath of the banhammer.
http://furry.wikia.com/wiki/Alan_T._Panda
At least the furry wiki isn’t like Conservipedia or something, omitting anything that looks bad. Like pretend-bestiality pedophilia.
Apparently, even the “furry” version of the panda does not know the right way to fuck to save its own species.
Reading this type of child-porn docu-horror makes my taint feel like it’s being licked by a giant scratchy tongue, that just finished eating Purina Grizzly Chow.
Wow.
Pounced.org
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Pounced.org
Pounced.org is a furry personals page dedicated to helping furs find other furries as friends or as mates. As of March 2006, Pounced.org lists over 10,000 users, and more than 3,000 personal advertisements.
* Address: http://www.pounced.org
* Mottos: Get Pounced! - Have you been pounced yet?
* From/To: 13 March 2003 - present
Advertisements are sorted by location, gender (male, female, and transgender), species, age, and type of relationship sought (friends, activity partners, short or long term, or for casual sex).
There is no registration required to look through the ads, but some contact details are hidden. Ads must be changed every 4 months or they are removed from the search pool. No one under the age of 18 may join this service. This was upped from 16 on May 30th, 2007.
http://www.pounced.org
You can browse by “General Species”
http://www.pounced.org/personals/browseads.php?hby=Species-General
GaySailor: How YOU doin’?
Before I looked at the caption on that photo, I wasn’t sure if that was the perp, the female state senator that he was an aide to, or the 15 year old boy.
I bet this sick-tard is part of NAMBLA (not sure if that’s the right word and I will not look it up to see either) too.
Man, if they would’ve made it to the shed, that boy could have seen Alan T. Panda’s “small” government in action.
Cicada: It is generally better to pat a fursuiter than to scritch them, as it has less chance of matting the fur.
Ah! Ah! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Filed under things I now know that I never needed to know.
Hey Larry Craig, how does second place feel?
Pedo-Bear approved, on the prime meridian of the Vitter-Foley axis, i.e., a GOPedo-diaper.
So it turns out that “Alan T. Panda” is also into magic the gathering. Are there no depths too low, Alan??
http://furrypanda.livejournal.com/profile
I remember the good ol’ days, when cow-tipping and watching Billy Owens play hoops were sufficient to overcome the misery of living in Carlisle.
So. THIS is uplifting the level of discourse here??? WTF?
I am SO glad my son is getting out of PA. Jebus.
“Enjoy daily psychoanalysis for the rest of your life”….jeebus effin x, I feel like I need therapy after reading that.
19kevin8: It seems from the intrepid commenter research that they come from scritches.
After reading about Alan Panda, never have I been so thankful to be relatively normal and totaly boring.
Alan David Berlin anagram = Dad Bear Villain
Fox n Fiends SCRITCHES ARE LOVING SCRATCHES WHILST BE-COSTUMED!
Why can’t they be dumped in Yellowstone with their birth-bear brethren?
P.S. In case anybody wondered what the offspring of a three way between Andy Partridge, Janet Reno, and Bill Gates would look like, wonder no longer.
TJBeck: Check this out, a list of furry actions:
http://furry.wikia.com/wiki/Category:Actions
Amongst them: floof, fuzzle, glomp, and scritch (with a Sprint ad to boot).
Apparently there are conventions, MFF (Midwest FurFest) has been going on since 2000.
IMPORTANT QUESTION: what if my fantasy is to be a Peruvian Hairless Dog?
I sincerely hope that he’s convicted under a law for which he was a strong advocate.
19kevin8: The Republican Party. Haven’t you been paying attention?
Long time reader, first time poster…
Servo: WIN!
facehead: CONFURENCES, TOO!
facehead: Then even furs will shake our heads at your sad little dream, loser. Hypothetically.
Off topic but my brother travels around the country visiting various theme parks dressed as Papa Smurf. When I ask him about it he says it’s because he’s an actor and he’s hoping he’ll be discovered but I never really bought it. I doubt Hollywood is trolling theme parks looking for the next Tom Hanks inside a Bugs Bunny outfit. Do you think my other brothers and I should stage an intervention?
As a native of this part of Pennsylvania, which we lovingly call Pennsytucky or, alternatively, West Virgina-Eastern Chapter, welcome to my hell. This part of the state is like small-town America as envision by David Lynch.
facehead: Yes, you are the only one who feels disabused. Some of us feel very severely abusedabused.
I think Alan’s parents mistakenly used Frontline instead of birth control.
Send Waggs to get pix of a jury of his peers.
pdiddycornchips: I think it would be more fun if you just knocked him out every now and again.
PDiddy: If by intervention you mean a quasi-waterboarding where you fill his foam headpiece with water, then yes.
Rev. Peter Lemonjello: Also, I really don’t understand this furry sex thing. You know those costumes have to smell like the inside of a baby’s casket.
What’s your point?
Naked Bunny with a Whip: Before this article, your name brought to mind hot naked girls with S&M gear on, now… *shudder*
Is it still OK to say, I threw up in my mouth a little?
19kevin8: I’m guessing some point midway between their navel and their knees.
as the world burns: there was an episode of CSI a few years back that had furries in it….
haven’t there been a few about a dom?
GaySailor: …Any polar bear named “Butterstick”… I think that is Knut (maybe plays one of the polar bears on Lost?); Butterstick is a panda (AMC was a fan).
Cicada: Wow, that livejournal page is like staring into the fucking abyss of desolation. Figures he’s on livejournal, being a furry and all.
19kevin8: Daaw.
I think everyone here needs a nice hug and scritch in the shower.
19kevin8:
Papa Smurf is already surly and mean. Won’t that just make him more so? He’s one of these actors that never really leaves his character behind when the show is over. He once played a Neanderthal in an off broadway play called Living Cave Paintings. The play revolves around a small bonfire. The actors actually build a small fire on stage as the show progresses. On one occasion, the fire department showed up in force and put the fire out. My brother never once broke character. On second thought, you’re right. I should hit him in the head with a shovel.
What the Yiff?
If only the undercover cops could have enticed Daddyfur to come over for some little boy furry action in the backyard shed, imagine the great YouTube video when he realized there would be no scritches for him that night.
pdiddycornchips: Halfway through reading that post, I was thinking “just use a bat,” but I see you’ve gone a step further, and opted for a shovel. I applaud your imagination, your dedication, and I wish you the best with that intervention. Oh, and don’t forget to take some video, post it on Youtube, and then throw the link up on here.
Naked Bunny with a Whip: Scritching actually sounds like it would be kind of pleasant, if not for the whole getting-busy-in-animal-costumes angle.
This monster should be Gitmo’d. Or put on display at the National Zoo.
19kevin8: Most furs don’t wear costumes while scritching, just like most Republicans don’t wear condoms during their shameful gay sex.
Lascauxcaveman: As far as fanfic scenarios go, this one’s pretty vanilla.
What is the furry term for felching?
Naked Bunny with a Whip: I typically use the indoor toilet for scritching, but that’s just me.
What’s the Penn NAMBLA chapter going to do for an new Activities Director? I’m guessing fewer zoo trips, for starters…
I remember furries back in college - they were all over internet bulletin boards like ISCA BBS doing their virtual cuddling and all that. I figured it was part of the fat bisexual pagan conspiracy, not the right wing fundie conspiracy.
Curious.
19kevin8: Missionary?
The Furry Libertarian Party has a new Head Panda.
Runner-up: http://www.latimes.com/news/nationworld/nation/wire/sns-ap-us-sex-with-animals,1,6867891.story
facehead: I don’t feel disabused, no. Someone told me about the furries years ago. But I know what you mean: I was absolutely certain that the first source I heard this from was making it up. I thought there was no way such a thing could exist, and kept thinking that until I heard about it from other sources. I wondered if it was just an urban myth, like cow tipping or good Massachusetts drivers, but no.
I don’t know what else to tell you. Now you know it exists, and there’s no way to unknow it. Though it’s worth trying to.
PrairiePossum: Oh, he’s getting scritched all right, unless they put him in solitary for his own safety.
Family Values.
Also.
19kevin8: Hairballing.
pdiddycornchips: Definitely hard to be discovered in a Papa Smurf costume. Maybe he’s just shy?
queeraselvis v 2.0: Now I wish I hadn’t asked.
Feel free to scritch wherever you’ve got an atch.
AxmxZ: OK, so I’m no JK Rowling. This much I know.
Years ago I read a 700-page-long piece of Serious Investigative Journalism about furries in Vanity Fair. I think it was written by Christopher Scritchens.
facehead: I confess that I too thought that furries were just a made-up part of the Wonkette riff on the Crazyness Of It All. How did that song line go; “I wish I didn’t know now what I didn’t know then”.
bhosp: I read your post as
The internet: it’s like Santa took a shit in your brain.
Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa (and he’s a Daddyfur).
S.Luggo: Dude couldn’t even trust his furry friends not to rat him out when doing what comes naturally. The story didn’t say whether chocolate sauce or peanut butter was involved. And they wonder why people don’t read newspapers anymore.
Talk ya’ll shit, but Repubs ain’t changing, man. I suspect you’re going to have to pry their pedophilic dicks from their cold, dead hands.
Fox n Fiends: Oh honey, don’t you know? It’s whack-adorable Ohio-ese for “scratches.” I dated a guy once (and I do mean ONCE) who used that word. Creeped me the fuck OUT.
This is furry day in the news. There was also some guy in Washington state who was sentenced for having sex with his dogs. His furry friends turned him in. For real. http://www.philly.com/philly/wires/ap/news/nation_world/46720952.html
Republican: Dog furry; Conservative Republican: Lion furry; Very Conservative Republican: Panda furry. It’s all just code.
Mara47: Oh, “scritch” really does mean something furry now? Hmm. And here I thought that guy was only creepy, not also, like, a Repuglickan. Obviously, my life has become much too normal. I need to sit through “A Thousand Clowns” a few times for therapy. While scritching a pretend cat.
Maybe nip that pscyhoanalysis thing in the bud with some Scientology! If only you were a celebrity.
Thus beginneth Endless Cummer–now, with Furries(tm)! It’s like getting extra charms in your Lucky Charms. Bonus!
DangerousLiberal:
Well, they say June goes down like a Panda and throws up like a Penguin.
snideinplainsight: Notice he probably would have preferred Carlisle, though. Harrisburg is like Bruge. Plus, there’s the whole “we can get it on in your parents shed” business. Nice. And, if he wants someone who’s “20 to 25″ what’s he doing hitting on this high school sophomore? Most of those PA Senate staffers have some real problems. God knows what else is out there.
“furry conventions aren’t about kinky sex between weirdos gussied up in foxy costumes” - Wikipedia.org
“Alan T. Panda (real name Alan David Berlin, also known as Furrypanda and Alan Panda Bear; born November 14, 1968)[1] is a fursuiter and “daddyfur/caretaker with a cub side” whose interests include babyfurs.” - furry.wikia.com
Where furries meet furries http://www.pounced.org
Paul Tardy: Well, it’s right here: “Two vixen dominatrices seek male playmate.”
Nothing kinky or foxy about that.
snideinplainsight: this made me laugh more than i’ve laughed in many months as i’ve just spent a lot of (very sad) time in harrisburg.
this however, was before i realized — along with a gabazillion other commentaters on this thread — that this furry thing is real.
so now i sit in mute stunned silence listening to commercial radio with my cats.
orange: Don’t worry, now that he’s been arrested, he’s changing his name to “custer_panda.”
My eyes!!!
My family has used the word “skritch” for years, but always in the context of normal non-creepy human/feline interaction. Skritching uses shorter lighter strokes than scratching, and, yes, usually involves the neck and around the ears, and sometimes the chin.
Now I’ll think of this creepy asshole every time I hear it.
Thanks loads.
I’m guessing this guy is gonna get penal fur-vitude for his crimes.