Wonkette
While all you libtards were just drunkenly having sex last November to create the new army of Kenyan Obama Babies to be born fully formed in His Image this summer, important conservative academics at our nation’s better think tanks were boldly thinking about ways to kill African Sea Pirates with laser weapons. [Heritage.org via Alex Pareene's gchat status]
Oh, of course. Thank goodness the military procurement process is so lean and mean that we can get those anti-pirate death rays deployed by oh, 2025.
A PhD?! In WHAT?! Stupidity?!
Someone tell them that Austin Powers was a movie and MI5 doesn’t have frickin’ sharks with lasers on their frickin’ heads.
nbawriter: Or FemBots.
Just please don’t let the RIAA get hold of these pirate-zapping lasers. Anyway, cheers to the military-industrial complex or whatever.
You idiot, lasers will never work. The obvious answer is to develop a team of elite aquatic cyborg dolphin-human-lion men with hearts of gold, nerves of steel and wills of iron. We need machines designed to kill undetected and learn from their surroundings.
Go tickle your warp coil with dilithium crystals, Jimmie Jay!
rj77: They have no interest in FemBots. Now the SealBots … mmm, the Heritage boys want to tap that black robot ass.
These are *sea-faring* pirates. Therefore, it makes more sense to use torpedoes. Photon torpedoes, of course.
Yeah why don’t we use orbiting lasers to destroy small fishing boats the world over?
I mean what downside could there possibly be to that?
Servo: He can’t - the Flux Capacitor is on the fritz.
This is what happens when you go to a Laser Floyd show sober.
On tonight’s episode of Deadliest Warrior: Important Conservative Academic vs. African Sea Pirate!
we’ll call it the “Allen Parsons Project”
And Chuck Norris will captain the laser ships!
Everyone knows “Star Wars” was a documentary film. Yoda just has to train Luke to use the force to defeat the sea pirates.
SayItWithWookies: Yes and at a cost over-run of just a couple of 10’s of billions of dollars. Oh, and out in the real world, they prove really kind of impractical and don’t work well.
I heard a story on NPR about ways to combat pirates when the whole brouhaha was in the news and my two faves were 1) blasting them with LOUD music that basically ruptures their eardrums (OK, so we have deaf priates now? And everyone else is wearing superduper earplugs when this is going on?) and 2) spraying them with a silicon spray that makes every surface unbelievably slippery, soo they cannot stand, hold anything, basically do anything but Slip-n-Slide (TM) all over the boat. That latter one is like a Marx Brothers movie come to life.
I came up with this shit years ago by mixing the Star Wars (SDI) and Pirates sets of Legos.
user-of-owls:
That has got to be one of the dumbest shows of all time.
I’m hoping they will have a “Jedi Knight vs. Caveman” episode
Lasers work. I’ve seen it. If you get a laser and zip the beam all over the living room floor, your cat will go crazy. But eventually he’ll figure out where the beam is coming from and start staring into it, transfixed. That’s when you can grab your cat. Or African sea pirate.
So don’t make fun of Dr. J.
I so want a job at the Heritage Foundation. That has got to be the easiest and most unintentionally funny gig in the world.
Since experience has shown that a handful of security guards with revolvers (ok Israeli security guards but still) do a perfectly adequate job of battling Somali pirates for $18/hr it make perfect sense that the Heritage Foundation wants to use billion dollar death rays.
Wired’s Noah Shachtman had a great write up on this back in December, uncovering how often Carafano has been trying to get the government to buy his lasers for everything from Hezbollah to bad acne:
http://www.wired.com/dangerroom/2008/12/analyst-use-las/
Good stuff..
Did Christopher Hitchens write this? I think he “visiting scholar” at the Heritage Foundation or somewhere when he’s not hangin’ with “black-chop” at Drew Carey’s publication.
ManchuCandidate: Oh, they are way ahead of you in the retarded dept.
For reals:
William Wallace vs. Shaka Zulu
and
IRA vs. Taliban
I don’t understand why we need lasers when we have Jesus.
With a half-trillion per year sunk into the defense contractor welfare trough, you’re telling me there’s no irritable sea bass, no nothin’?
Larry McAwful: I always felt bad doing that to my cat because he never “succeeds” (catches anything). At least with the fishing-pole toys, you can let him catch the toy once in a while. But my cat, both with the laser and all the other toys one holds, he cottons to the source pretty quickly and then starts eyeing your poor-defenseless hand with a terrifying look in his eye. Time to drop the toy and back away at that point.
1. FIRE LAZERZ
2. ?????
3. Profit!
I heard that George Soros has a laser powered yacht, fueled by beams that Obama sends from space.
4tehlulz: I think that Step 2 is “The Heritage Foundation” although I don’t know who reads their wankery.
Carafano, ripping off Archimedes of Syracuse…jeez!
Interesting note…not one mention of the word blind or blinding in the whole lame Heritage article. Lasers only make weapons and boats go BOOM! but leave retinas and optic nerves virtually unharmed!
Crab1: This is what happens when you outlaw human-animal hybrids–you have to settle for lasers.
…or we could just use the deck guns we already have.
Yeah, let’s throw more billions of Americos down that 5-sided bottomless pit.
Better idea — just put a Gunners Mate 1st Class on each ship and a minigun on the fantail and you’d be good to go — all “off the shelf” technology for reasonable cost. One expert says a minigun costs $150 PER SECOND to fire, so GE could pad the bill a bit if that would make the Heritage Foundation feel better about using such 20th Century technology.
http://www.motionpicturearmourer.com/minigun.htm
ManchuCandidate: That would be sweet! (My money’s on the Jedi, however.)
Maybe they can also use ninjas to get the pirates; then this can become one big internet meme free-for-all.
This would be a fantastic 5 minute youtube video. Lasers Versus Pirates!
Whatever happened to just running them through with cold steel? A little keel-hauling, a date with the gunners daughter…everything used to be so easy much easier before we had the internet and it’s damn laser beams….
So do we say “Avast ye swabbies!” before or after we incinerate them from orbit?
If you think this is ridiculous, wait till you see what Heritage is planning for dastardly African land pirates (think Dune but with mini-nukes)
This is a sequel to The Heritage Foundation’s earlier publication: Say, fellows, let’s fight the Kaiser…with keen radio waves!
What ever happened to the SuperCar project? It could fly through the air and then disappear beneath the waves. And it only takes puppets to run it.
Waht did the author get his PhD in, masturbation? Oh, right, political science or something.
Can’t we just turn all of Somalia into a Disney-branded Pirate-themed resort?
I hope Dr. Carafano has a financial interest in some company that makes lasers. That would make him a standard rightwing douchebag, attempting to attempt a national security problem for financial gain, which at least has a point (evil but a point nonetheless). Otherwise, he’s just a sad rightwing idiot.
user-of-owls:
My money is on the IRA.
Airborne Toxic Event: Laser Jesus?
Hart88:
A well-placed 5-in naval artillery round.
doxastic: when you outlaw human-animal chimeras, only chimeric animal-humans are outlaws.
Rum, sodomy, and lasers. Win!
sezme: they already have… they are called CD burners…
Larry McAwful: when laser pointers were new, it worked great on drunk guys and gals in bars too!
I say break out the photon torpedoes and blast away, Scottie: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=60yHrRQ2g2c
But Vikings beat pirates AND ninjas! Shouldn’t we be using Vikings to secure the fleet?
dijetlo:
The actual solution to the recent pirate incident was fairly simple. Drop in a handful of Navy Seals and let them do what they are trained to do. Much less dramatic that frickin laser beams or turning a ship deck into a slip n slide.
“Lasers”? Seriously, that’s all he’s got? And they’re paying him for that?
I just feel like, he’s not even trying, he must be typing with one hand while distracting himself with the other. “Hafnium isomer weaponry” or “orbiting rail guns” or something, throw me a bone here, geez! Go rent a Keanu Reeves movie, I’m dyin’ here.
I for one beleive this would be awesome, and should be directed by Michael Bay.
Tommmcatt:
Mine, too. They’d finish off the Taliban and be back at the pub before anyone knew what was happening.
I, for one, welcome our Pirate Laser Wielding Overlords. And I’m confident such technology would never fall into the wrong hands and end up, say, being used against peaceful protestors or anything like that.
Terry: To say nothing of the fact that the Navy marksmen probably used laser sighting to hit their targets. SO THE ANTI-PIRATE LAZERS ARE ALREADY REALITEEZ
Servo: Optometry?
Imagine the fun that can be had when the next President who pays attention to Heritage turns it on the homeless.
Has the good Doctor seen how big a real laser “gun” is? It’s about the size of a tractor trailer and requires a lot of juice. At least that’s the deal with the ones we have around UCLA, which may not be the most cutting edge in the world. I think we are a few years away from making Han Solo’s pistol. Using laser pointers to blind the pirates could work, but then they’d get mad and fire their RPGs at your ship.
Wait, isn’t this the plot to the hit 80’s comedy “Real Genius?” Will Mark Levin star as William Atherton’s dickish Prof. Hathaway? Ross Douthat as the new boy genius? David Brooks in the Val Kilmer roles? I could go on, but you get the picture..smart conservative pricks with lasers.
Why not remote controlled exploding parrots with laser eyes?
Terry: Drop in a handful of Navy Seals and let them do what they are trained to do.
????
What would you tell them to do, shoot anybody with an eye patch and a parrot on his shoulder?
Shoot anybody who tries to get in a boat?
Seals are soldiers so from personal experience I can tell you if you don’t give them very specific instructions they will default to Standing Order #7:
Get drunk and bang the local girls.
Like the outstanding troopers they are, they will identify and engage every female of dubious moral standing in their AO. Within a week they’ll all be shacked up in the Hotel Somalia with every trollop in “Slick Mbutus’” stable, spending our tax dollars on Mombasa rot gut and black market penicillin.
So, yeah…let’s send in the Seals, they deserve a break.
Just take one from each column, and you’ll have your own unique DARPA research program!! It’s easy, and for profit you!
Orbiting isomer projection
Quantum tensor UAV
Nonlinear reconfigurable weapon
Nanobot nanobot nanobot
virtual smart warhead
dirty biological network
nonlethal stealth propaganda
autonomous cruise submersible
antipersonnel beam ordnance
tactical guided nuke
ProfessorJukes: I’m thinking more like phasers, they’re sort of laser-y and you can set them to either stun or kill. Light sabers would be cool too when they get to the sword fight stage of the conflict
Crab1: I think you should pitch the idea of Laser Jesus to Kirk Cameron in hopes that he can do the first official Christian Sci-Fi epic, where Jesus and Satan have their ultimate battle in in outer space in 2120. I picture a combination of Star Wars, the Left Behind books, and Flash Gordon
Make sure you see his picture!
http://www.wired.com/images_blogs/photos/uncategorized/2008/11/26/16916308.jpg
Plz to has blingee?.
Mr Blifil: I, for one, welcome our Pirate Laser Wielding Overlords.
Didn’t we just welcome our new Chinese Overlords?
Nobody told me being oppressed was going to be so fucking confusing. Are we supposed grovel or is cowering in fear sufficient?
How about sharks with frickin’ laser beams attached to their heads?
I’m sad to say I actually agree with the weirdo from Heritage Foundation rather than my beloved Wonkette.
Oh, the shame!
While I’m at it, why oh why are elites terrible terrible terrible except when they’re green berets or navy seals? All these neocon think-tank girly-boys would rather imagine themselve hanging out with the elite military units than just about anything.
dijetlo:
Good point.
I once heard two of my older male relatives (one had been in the Army, the other in the Navy) giving a young male relative advice on which branch to elist. In order of preference:
- Air Force: the biggest danger here is cirrhosis of the liver, as they fly and are back at the O club in time for happy hour.
- Navy: biggest danger is getting VD while on shore leave
- Army: Learn to type so you can get an office job.
- Marines: Snorting noises from both former Army and Navy men, muttered comments about candy somethings.
I still, however, think that a mission carried out by the Seals is a better option that frickin laser beams or turning the deck of a boat into a slip and slide. I concede your point about giving them solid guidance, though.
How about some those gay bombs that Pentagon has been developing?
emcee: Eh? Wha? I spent 6 years in the navy, working in gunfire control. Now I work on lasers… I think a five-inch high explosive kinetic ebergy round (basically a thigh sized shotgun shell) is a helluva lot more cost effective and a much better deterrent than a light beam that requires a huge amount of power to utilize,m but hey, what the fuck do i know? My balls itch.
Should we tell him that twinkling stars don’t actually twinkle. They just look like their twinkling because the atmosphere bends the light around all over the place.
But hey, good luck with that aiming your lasers at the pirates without burning down the tanker trick.
dijetlo: You are still required to kowtow, but now you must say “Arrrgh!” when you put your forehead on the floor.
I’m too busy to read what the rest of you losers have to say about this because I’ve got to go to do something. I won’t say what, but since the Monitor Weekly did a full cover story on pirates and it, like other magazines, rests on a shelf in my bathroom, I’ll let you know anything you need to know about pirates as soon as I get back.
Later.
Internally valid: Your wish…
http://blingee.com/blingee/view/92094883-The-Dokta-Is-In-
DustBowlBlues: Okay, I don’t know it all yet because it’s a really, really long article and even I’m not so old I need to sit there that long, but I do know this that I didn’t know before I left:
No matter the power of the ray guns, the only way they can stop piracy is if they zap the super wealthy in parts of the world a lot nicer than Somalia (like Europe, Australia, the MIddle East, North America but curiously, not the Barbary Coast), because they’re the ones who buy the weapons (but not seaworthy vessels) to give to the goat-herders-and-fishermen-turned-pirates and then pocket their already gold lined pockets with the ransom money. The boys actually doing the deed make about $10,000 on a $2,000,000 job. They were fishermen, btw, until the government went away (NRO paradise!) and there was no govt. to enforce their borders so asshats from other countries were poaching their waters.
And the ones we just caught? That was their first job. The kid said that he was fishing, saw how much money his friends were making and thought, hey, I’ll try that. He and his friends set out in a rusty little boat and tried to pirate the first big thing that came along. Big, big mistake. But now they know better!
Last note: In a country were the CSM says the average income is $500 a year and 60,000 people are at immediate risk of starving to death, I’m thinkin’ it ain’t too hard to draft a few ho-ho-ho-and-a-bottle-of-rummers. You remember Somalia–some dead Americans and out we went, shouting “good luck” over Bill Clinton’s shoulder, with the Republican congress hiding behind Monica Lewinsky’s skirt.
Tommmcatt: Terry: Just use the US American Electoral Logic Formula: who would you rather have a beer with? Adios, Taliban.
I got over halfway through this and thought, why is this so weird, even from wonkette? And then I realized–everyone bothering with this thread but me is a guy, right? Strange, the way the male mind works. Strange and not really worth understanding.
WIDTAP: You are still required to kowtow, but now you must say “Arrrgh!” when you put your forehead on the floor.
I’m an old, we do that anyway
Mr Blifil: Hey thanks! That made me happy.
That laser or particle beam weapon is ready to go. We already used the one on Montauk to knock down that TWA flight several years ago, and now the astronauts have deployed one in space, that we just used to blow up that Air France flight. Or haven’t you people been paying attention?
“In 2003, the U.S. government successfully intercepted an attempted arms sale of a shoulder-fired Igla SA-18 missile, capable of downing commercial aircraft three miles in range and two miles in altitude.” Isn’t that the case where we hired an informant to badger a guy into buying a phony missile from… government agents? I just played the “This American Life” about this case for my dad — part of my ongoing program to expose him to news analysis other than the Wall Street Journal (I also bought him a subscription to the Economist). Point is, this warping of the facts really makes me question the author’s otherwise totally sound premise!
Lasers don’t work so well at sea level on the oceans. Retards.