Wonkette
- Morgan Stanley will raise $2.2 billion in a stock offering so that they can get out from under the government’s odious TARP. [AP]
- GM has reportedly sold its Hummer unit, but they won’t say which shameful sucker bought it. [New York Times]
- Don’t get all excited about how our economy is improving; while we may have “hit bottom” we are still in the throes of an extended bout of dire suckiness not seen since the 30s. [Washington Post]
- President Obama attempts to disagree with the Israelis without being disagreeable. [New York Times]
- Millions of middle-aged Midwesterners tuned their teevees to Jay Leno’s Tonight Show last night and were grossly offended to see some Irishman with a bouffant making awkward jokes about whatever. [ABC News]
- Looks like the Brazilian Air Force may have found the wreckage from that disappeared Air France flight. [AFP]
I’ll admit it, I bought the Hummer unit, but I thought I was investing in
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=hummer
Who bought Hummer? PLEASE PLEASE let it be Hustler.
Barry taking on Israel (well, taking on for a US America Preznit)? He truly is a Muslin terrorist. This is not the status quo we can believe in.
Howard Dean was on some show called Morning Joe Brewed by Starbucks this morning and said that the Dow’s 220-point surge demonstrates that the economy is doing much better. But he’s a doctor, not an economist! Everyone knows that this moderate surge was caused by GM and Citigroup finally getting delisted from the Dow yesterday, which undoubtedly caused the leap and probably offset some horrible, horrible losses that would have dragged the Dow way, way down if those two failed ventures were still on there.
I own Citigroup stock, and one of my cars is a Chrysler. The other is an Oldsmobile! I’ve given up on my 401(k), but where will I get replacement parts in the future?!
I think Lewinsky Motors is the likely buyer of Hummer.
Conan: Haz teh funny nought, but he is tall. [crickets]
Just who on God’s green Earth is going to buy a share of Morgan Stanley, let alone 2.2-billion-dollars worth?
Larry McAwful: Not so. The delisting of GM and Citi will not take place till June 8. http://online.wsj.com/article/BT-CO-20090601-716809.html
Besides all the major indices were up yesterday.
Kudos for the “extended bout of dire suckiness,” SKS. I can’t think of a better phrase to kick off a long, hot, endless cummer.
x111e7thst: Why do people always have to use actual facts just to make me look stupid? It’s not fair.
Isn’t it obvious? Hummer’s been sold to BJ’s Wholesale.
Larry McAwful: Don’t feel bad. They do that to me all the time!
“the former “Late Night” host lived up to the legacy of Jay Leno”
No; O’Brien was actually funny. And he didn’t tell a single Monica Lewinsky or OJ Simpson joke; those things never get old (if you’re Jay Leno. Or my parents.)
I think I’m sticking with Dave Letterman…
Arnuld should buy Hummer personally. Isn’t he really the one who kicked off the crazy, buying the military version of the vehicles after the Gulf War or there abouts?
The Brazilian Air Force?
Brazil has an Air Force?
These are the people who spend 1/4 of the year drunk and copulating, who gave them an Air Force?
For the sake of Carnival, let’s hope nobody gave them bombs.
They claim to have found a seat from the missing passenger jet floating in the Atlantic but they are still looking for more wreckage, my suggestion would be the rest of the plane is probably on the bottom of the Atlantic somewhere under the seat they found but what do I know, I’m not drunk or screwing at the moment (poor, poor, me…)
I though you could only legally sell hummers in parts of Nevada.
proudgrampa: We men of faith need to stick together. If people had faith, no one would have dared sail toward the edge of the earth, Brazil as we know it wouldn’t exist, and that plane wouldn’t have crashed. What did Galileo prove, exactly, by dropping things off that tower, anyway?
Hummers given to Kim Jong-il. If he cuts the nuke thang.
Selling Hummer in the US is only legal in Nevada
Wow, you mean you can get a hummer just by paying for it? Shit, all these years I got my via barter, usually meaning I had to initiate a tit-for-tat deal.
Imagine if they made buying hummers legal, they could tax it and fix the economy.
A stimulated package we could all believe in!
Its important to know who Hummer was sold to, so that in the future douchebags will know who they are purchasing their automobiles from.
I think Michele Bachmann unscripted would make a much funnier host of The Tonight Show.
Hummer was probably bought by Bass Pro Shops.
At least Conan is less not funny than Leno.
Conan sucked. So did Will Ferrell. Sorry to say. The skit about the Universal Studios Tour was positively painful. I’m usually in Conan’s camp, but he was absolutely flailing yesterday night. It was kind of invigorating to see that degree of fail. I guess it’s possible he’ll get better, but he basically signaled he wants to capture the audience who thought it was entertaining to see Jay Leno read newspaper headlines. Did I say “fail” already?
Monsieur Grumpe: not as fat or chinny, either
“Morgan Stanley will raise $2.2 billion in a stock offering so that they can get out from under the government’s odious TARP”
I smell a Ponzi scheme in the works, so get in now so you get a little bit of your money back! You don’t want to be one of the last to join and not get a damned dime back!!!
Larry McAwful: I hate people and want them to suffer?
Simple. Jay Leno bought Hummer.
“Hitting bottom” is a buttsecks ref, right? I hit bottom whenever possible, know what I mean?
x111e7thst: Me, too. That’s why I play my Jefferson Starship records for everyone who enters my house, or who gets too near my car’s tapedeck.
I staying with passing out drunk, 10:30 central, teevee gets blurry after that.
bureaucrap: WIN
-Hey Conan, want Leno’s 11:30pm show?
-Sure! Gee whiz, that’d be super!
-Would you also like to be stabbed in the back with a huge sword?
-Huh?
-We’re giving Leno a new 9-10pm show.
I’d like to think Conan will be deliberately tanking his new show for the dentured set so he can go back to his true calling: writing episodes of The Simpsons, who’ve been phoning it in for far too long.
Larry McAwful: They’re just getting near your car’s tape deck because they didn’t know those ‘valuable antiques’ still existed.
hobospacejunkie: I own a 1997 Chrysler Sebring with 97,000 miles on it, a leaky sunroof, and a door that won’t open. I also own a 1999 Oldsmobile Alero with chipped paint, a little rust, malfunctioning electric doors, a busted air conditioner and a weird sound coming from, um, somewhere. Both have CD players and tapedecks. I think of them as “classic” cars.
However, I should probably sell them both soon. The Massachusetts Board of Historic Preservation (or whatever it’s called) has a funny way of banning people from changing anything with historic significance, so they could very well pass an injuncture to never let me get rid of them.
I should take ‘em to a car show. Probably want to take ‘em to a car wash first, though.
Serolf Divad: yeah yeah and I suppose because you said it first I musta stolen it.
Emperor’s club buys Hummer brand, expect big Spam marketing campaign.
Our Hummers are good enough for the empire state’s Governor, then they are good enough for you!
Larry McAwful: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TxGGckAc1rs
I am going to see Agnostic Front this Friday. Where I will betake my middleage ass out into the pit and see if my tai chi is as good as I think it is.
x111e7thst: I’m unclear with what “middle-aged” is. I’m 39, and the average lifespan is somewhere in the 70s, so I guess I’ve had two of my threescore and ten-plus-change, so maybe I’m there. But my uncle’s 80, and I kind of look like him, and am kind of balding like him, so maybe I’ll make it that far, too, so can I wait until my birthday in September to call myself middle-aged-[i]tentatively[/i]? This is all very confusing.
It’s kind of like how can you be in the Midwest in Youngstown, Ohio, but not in the Midwest if you go fifteen miles to the east? Life is full of mysteries.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=chOT-4r-twg
Larry McAwful: You own a Sebring and it’s not even a convertible? OMG, that is so fucking funny.
Lascauxcaveman: Sure it is. It’s converting into a heap of spare parts right now.
dijetlo: You think that’s something–they also make real airplanes. Like the Embraer E-170, the finest regional jet in the air. Pilots call them jungle jets. They had one plane call the Bandierante or some crazy thing like that, but it had a problem with their tails just stone falling off. “Shake ya tail feathers”: good for Carnival, bad for airplanes. (Seriously, all planes should be as comfortable and shiny as the E 170. Just don’t hire numbskulls to fly them, please?”
Also: Hummer’s buyer is apparently….wait for it:
The Sichuan Tengzhong Heavy Industrial Machinery Company Ltd.
That rolls off the tongue, eh: “See Chin-ay, in your The Sichuan Tengzhong Heavy Industrial Machinery Company Ltd.-olet.” Maybe they can sell ‘em thru all those GM dealers that got tossed under the (no doubt GM-made) bus.
That’s the second time today I’ve seen someone misspell “self-deprecating.” Self-depreciation is something accountants do in their spare time. (Yes, I know the dictionaries claim they’re synonyms, but dictionaries have no balls about these things).
The first was Julia Wertz, who gets a pass because she’s a cartoonist. This ABC News goober, however, needs to be tarred and feathered.