GREAT POLLS OF OUR TIME  2:41 pm June 1, 2009

Gallup Has A Scoop!

by Jim Newell

And the sun is most likely to come out during the day, and dogs are most likely to eat dog food, maybe. [Gallup]

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Crankenstank June 1, 2009 at 2:45 pm

Dog bites man, gets married under new Obama gay laws.

Servo June 1, 2009 at 2:45 pm

Just don’t tell ‘em.

Zadig June 1, 2009 at 2:45 pm

Nuh uh, my dog prefers hot dogs and other miscellaneous sausages. I think he’s gay.

tonytonytony June 1, 2009 at 2:46 pm

And it is true that they are HEAVILY white, necessitating the audible breathing out of their mouths.

Rush June 1, 2009 at 2:46 pm

What about gun fanatics or having a keen interest in Boy Scout’s underwear?

BillyClubb June 1, 2009 at 2:46 pm

Oh they’re “heavily white” alright, just look at Rush Limbaugh, he slimmed down to 650 pounds.

ManchuCandidate June 1, 2009 at 2:46 pm

Gallup’s observations intrigue me and I would like to sign up to their newsletter in the hopes of learning more. I want to know if water is wet and Tom Cruise is gay.

MargeSimpsonsBlackFriend June 1, 2009 at 2:48 pm

Sir, I am shocked by this news. I thought the Republican party was primarily made up of black and latina lesbians who paint, eat tofu, and hate whitey.

whiskey tango foxtrot June 1, 2009 at 2:49 pm

At first I read that as “Heavy, White…”

Zadig June 1, 2009 at 2:49 pm

[re=328931]Zadig[/re]: AND a eunuch. Ugh, he probably voted for Kerry.

saggyboobedhag June 1, 2009 at 2:49 pm

What’s Gallup’s definition of religious? Read the Bible? Go to church regularly? Humiliate your children? Beat your wife? Occasionally kill a Progressive or two? Or all of the above?

HipHopOpotamus June 1, 2009 at 2:49 pm

I KNEW I had seen Zell Miller working at a 7-11.

ForTheTurnstiles June 1, 2009 at 2:49 pm

And where does Religion come from, for the Oprahpublican set at least?

JadedDIssonance June 1, 2009 at 2:49 pm

I also understand that Ducks do enjoy Water, and when sprinkled on their backs, it tends to Bead Up and simply Roll Off.

swgm June 1, 2009 at 2:50 pm

Also, Harry Potter is a wizard. Also.

V572625694 June 1, 2009 at 2:50 pm

In case anyone still labors under the misconception that polling is “scientific” or “objective,” Gallup has provided a set of directions (which are totally vapid) for the Repugs to get back in business:

“Republicans have a clear monopoly on the allegiance of white conservative Americans, but the GOP’s challenge is figuring out whether this is enough of a base on which to build for the future. The alternative is for the GOP to broaden its base to include more minorities and/or more whites who are moderate or liberal in their ideological outlook — groups now predominantly loyal to the Democratic Party…

“A great deal of attention has been paid to the plight of Republicans who at this juncture in history find themselves not controlling the presidency, the House, or the Senate. Plus, numerous surveys conducted by Gallup and other firms have shown that the GOP appears to be suffering on a number of perceptual dimensions compared to the Democrats (as measured by Gallup and by other recent surveys).

“The data reviewed here highlight an essential dilemma the Republicans face as they ponder their future. The Republican Party’s constituency is overwhelmingly white — and the significant majority of those whites are ideologically conservative, while a majority are highly religious, as defined by church attendance. The Democratic Party, on the other hand, has more than three times the percentage of nonwhites among its identifiers as does the GOP. And white Democrats are much more likely to be moderate or liberal than conservative, and are much more likely to be infrequent church attenders rather than frequent church attenders.

“Does the Republican Party in essence “stick to the knitting” and cling to its core conservative principles? Or should the Republicans make an effort to expand their base — among whites who are moderate or less religious, and/or the various nonwhite groups who to this point are largely ignoring the Republican Party in favor of the Democrats? The decision the party makes in response to this question could be pivotal in helping determine its future.”

NoWireHangers June 1, 2009 at 2:50 pm

[re=328942]saggyboobedhag[/re]: Smokes meth and hires hookers.

mrpuma2u June 1, 2009 at 2:50 pm

Wow that is some cutting edge stuff!!! Did that say “heavy and white” ??? What religion are these fat whiteys?? Scientologist? Or that other wacky cult with the talking snake and zombie saviour?? (apologies to Bill Maher for the last bit)

Advocatus_Diaboli June 1, 2009 at 2:51 pm

They do have some interesting half-Jew/half-Koreans, though.

rereridiculous June 1, 2009 at 2:52 pm

According to a recent Gallop poll, Gallop does polling.

magic titty June 1, 2009 at 2:55 pm

Republicans are Division 1A football coaches?

Itsjustme June 1, 2009 at 2:56 pm

How do they define Ann Horseface?

CockedAle June 1, 2009 at 2:56 pm

Pew Forum also shows that white conservative religious Republicans love torture more than the godless libruls.

queeraselvis v 2.0 June 1, 2009 at 2:57 pm

Republicans are more likely to eat dog shit. Also.

octupletsmom June 1, 2009 at 2:57 pm

And paranoid. Also.

dijetlo June 1, 2009 at 2:57 pm

[re=328933]Rush[/re]: Somebody had to be Libertarian.

BioCookie June 1, 2009 at 2:58 pm

[re=328956]rereridiculous[/re]: FTW

x111e7thst June 1, 2009 at 2:59 pm

[re=328951]NoWireHangers[/re]: Hey – those are two of my favorite pastimes!

Rush June 1, 2009 at 2:59 pm



x111e7thst June 1, 2009 at 3:01 pm

[re=328963]CockedAle[/re]: The only love torture because it’s what Jeebus would do to keep US ‘Murrica free.

Servo June 1, 2009 at 3:02 pm

Republicans are also most likely to be sex offenders. They make sex extremely offensive.

JMP June 1, 2009 at 3:02 pm

[re=328949]V572625694[/re]: Gallup’s a bunch of RINOs who must be drummed out of the party. Only by becoming even more right-wing and insular can the Republicans succeed!

zenferret June 1, 2009 at 3:04 pm

[re=328964]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: Only the Korean Jewish ones…. wait you said shit. I thought you just said dog.

CockedAle June 1, 2009 at 3:07 pm

[re=328975]x111e7thst[/re]: And we know Jack Bauer IS Jesus.

queeraselvis v 2.0 June 1, 2009 at 3:08 pm

[re=328962]Itsjustme[/re]: Ambulatory santorum?

Crab1 June 1, 2009 at 3:11 pm

Americans Mostly Fat, Lazy, and Stupid.

FormerDCite June 1, 2009 at 3:12 pm

I would also like to point out that Gallup will find that the world is round too; except in the minds of most of those heavy, white, conservative, and Christian types. They still believe the world is flat, and that Adam and Eve had Dinosaurs as pets.

mollymcguire June 1, 2009 at 3:13 pm

At this juncture in history, Republicans control neither the White House nor the Congress. They do, however, control the public men’s rooms.

Giant Robot June 1, 2009 at 3:14 pm

Nate Silver, are you out there? Help me understand this poll.

queeraselvis v 2.0 June 1, 2009 at 3:16 pm

Gays mostly gay, Gallup finds.

hobospacejunkie June 1, 2009 at 3:21 pm

Continue publishing startling insights like these and Gallup should have as bright a future as the GOP.

Zadig June 1, 2009 at 3:31 pm

[re=328991]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: Breaking: Gays pretty much the gayest thing ever.

chascates June 1, 2009 at 3:38 pm

Bear shits in woods. Pope was a boy Nazi.
Ho hum.

queeraselvis v 2.0 June 1, 2009 at 3:41 pm

[re=329011]Zadig[/re]: Wyatt Bunker, is that you?

The Schadenfried PAC June 1, 2009 at 3:44 pm

…water is wet?

forgracie June 1, 2009 at 3:47 pm

[re=328984]Crab1[/re]: And Earthlings mostly harmless…

bureaucrap June 1, 2009 at 3:51 pm

Did they poll for other correlative indicia, like: Lives in a trailer park, has a gun rack, home skools their kiddies so they don’t learn about commie theories like “evolution” and “gravity”, belongs to the “Christian Soldiers” Flag Football team at their megachurch, accuses American Indians of being “immigrants”, etc.? We want the full list!!!!

paintitblack June 1, 2009 at 3:59 pm

…the sky is blue except when it’s grey…

TGY June 1, 2009 at 4:11 pm

Shocked! Shocked, I say!

Blender June 1, 2009 at 4:14 pm

Gallup’s pollster must have been riding the same bus I do cuz that’s what the crazy bum that always sits next to me says about the GOP base. Tomorrow’s “poll” will probably “find” that Americans believe Frank Zappa was a victim of experimental hormone therapy gone horribly wrong or my personal favorite, all bus drivers are former Nazi SS prison guards (even the black ones).

Zadig June 1, 2009 at 4:28 pm

[re=329026]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: So far, you’ve guessed that I was Mark Goodfellow (who is filming a reality show pilot!!!), and now Wyatt Bunker. I’m afraid I’m nowhere near such an illustrious (read: corrupt, crazy, trashy and/or racist) Memphis resident. Just a humble college student at Memphis’ Nth most illustrious university, on the 7-year plan, studying moonrunes and international diplomacy, consoled with the knowledge that if I had anything even approaching responsibility I could have graduated from a better school a month ago.

I’m half-joking, of course. U of M isn’t all that bad, really. Except that now we have no budget anymore.

But yeah. Fuck Wyatt Bunker. I was reading the CA story about that whole deal, with the lady shouting about the “God hates shellfish” argument, and I reflected on the glory of our city, where the debate on gay rights never leaves the purely theological realm.

queeraselvis v 2.0 June 1, 2009 at 4:39 pm

[re=329135]Zadig[/re]: Oh Zadig, I do but kid about your being Mark “It’s ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLL good” Goodfellow or Wyatt “There ain’t no queers in my district, and if there were I’d string ‘em all up” Bunker. This city… what can I say that you haven’t already said so eloquently? Thank God for fellow Memphians like you on Wonkette, or I’d be convinced that Memphis is indeed where all intelligent life goes to die.

proudgrampa June 1, 2009 at 5:06 pm

WTF? People and organizations pay for this crap??

Lionel Hutz Esq. June 1, 2009 at 5:10 pm

All right, let’s just give them Mississippi and GM, repatriate Rush Limbaugh to Vicksburg, and call it even.

problemwithcaring June 1, 2009 at 5:15 pm

[re=328942]saggyboobedhag[/re]: What’s Gallup’s definition of conservative? Believes abstaining from sex means sex up the ass, in men’s bathrooms and with prepubescent boys? Believes in traditional family values, except when selling out the wife and kids for good ol’ tits and ass or money and power? Believes protection “of country” means “from citizen darkies”?

lawrenceofthedesert June 1, 2009 at 6:04 pm

George Gallup is beginning to realize the challenges of managing day-to-day operations of a polling organization long after you have died.

Scandalabra June 1, 2009 at 6:39 pm

If anyone ever gets around to writing “The History of Duh?!”, this poll will be cited.

AKAM80TheWolf June 1, 2009 at 10:21 pm

See, they’re straying from their core values. They need more pandas soliciting young teen boys for sex.

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