Liveblogging Obama Creating ‘Government Motors’

Wow it’s morning so that means Barack Obama is giving televised remarks about the latest failed giant business he’s buying us for Ramadan. General Motors! “The collapse of these companies would’ve been devastating to America,” etc., yes we know, “and it would be good for American workers and American manufacturing and good for America’s economy” if, heh heh, GM didn’t have to pay all its debts. Let’s live-blog this by liveblogging, now!

11:53 AM — “I want to give you an update on that *other* failed car company, Chrysler.”
11:54 AM — But after simply relieving the doomed company of its obligations, and also finding some sucker partner company in, perhaps, Italy, Chrysler could live again!
11:54 AM — Just 31 days after filing bankruptcy, Chrysler is back! It took Edmund Andrews’ wife like sixteen years to do her two bankruptcies!
11:56 AM — But GM is a lot bigger and more doomed, etc., so it’s not going to be as easy as the Chryselr deal, because is Chrysler even in the car business?
11:57 AM — General Motors, if all goes according to Obama’s Socialist Plans, will begin selling more cars in the United States. (Weird fact: GM sells a lot of shitty cars like Pontiacs in China, because Chinese middle-class drivers, due to a comical mistranslation, think some of these GM brands are actually desirable.)
11:58 AM — “This plan will require a substantial amount of money that only the government can provide.” Hmm.
11:59 AM — Obama made a deal with Canada and Germany to make this bankruptcy happen, which is … appeasement?
12:00 PM — Ugh, we are now owners of 60% of GM.
12:01 PM — “This may give some Americans pause,” says Obama. Yeah.
12:01 PM — Because Bush/Greenspan/Paulson/Reagan destroyed America and crippled the world economy, for fun, Barack Obama tragically inherited the Great Recession, so now he has to nationalize Earth.
12:02 PM — Damn, so Barack Obama will not be choosing new factory locations for GM, and he will not be designing the new General Motors’ cars. How is that helping? People would go nuts for the Barack Obama Trans-Am!
12:02 PM — But Obama will back your warranty on your GM clunker, and maybe even perform the service himself!
12:03 PM — Hard times for the auto-industry workers, “difficult days lie ahead,” more dealers and suppliers will go under, so many more jobs to lose, but you people have to make this sacrifice, so that your children will … work in GM factories that are lost forever?
12:04 PM — No no, it’s about the Green jobs, yay! The federal fleet of cars will be GM/Chrysler space-mobiles that run on free, clean energy made from burning laid-off GM/Chrysler workers in giant “clean coal” incinerators which will be built along every interstate highway at each exit.
12:05 PM — Applause. Who is applauding? Ah they are probably Toyota & Honda executives.