RUMORS ON THE INTERNETS  3:36 pm June 1, 2009

Why Do We Let The Black Panthers Teach Our Children Biology?

by Riley Waggaman

  • Sonia-Maria Sotomayor loves to brag about how “ghetto” it was growing up in Mexico. Well this loaf of white bread has heard enough! Is Sonia’s Best Friend Forever serving life in prison? Was Sonia’s daughter stabbed in the chest with an enormous cardiac needle? No? Q.E.D. [American Thinker]
  • “Ultra liberal zealot” highschool teachers are known to pass out buckets of gummy worms and read If You Give A Moose A Muffin during nap time, which is why every American teenager sucks at Maths. But a brave Oakland charter school has dared to ask, “Would they still suck at Maths if we yelled at them and shaved their heads?” The answer might shock you! [Hot Air]
  • RedState shakes things up with a terrifying 2 second video of a blackfolk speaking without being spoken to! Don’t worry though because a patriot reported the incident to the Justice Department. [RedState]
  • The National Archives misplaced a 2-terabyte external hard drive containing “sensitive data from the Clinton administration,” prompting the Smithsonian to temporarily postpone the highly-anticipated exhibit, “Tentacle Porn & The Clintons.” [Raw Story]
 
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Hola wonkerados.

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{ 35 comments }

hobospacejunkie June 1, 2009 at 3:43 pm

Maths? Maths? You from that socialist hellhole ‘cross the pond, Riley? Fess up, boy. We don’t take kindly to lyin’ little poufters ’round here in Real America.

chascates June 1, 2009 at 3:44 pm

Not many schools in California recruit teachers with language like this: “We are looking for hard working people who believe in free market capitalism. . . . Multi-cultural specialists, ultra liberal zealots, and college-tainted oppression liberators need not apply.”…

Also not needed are people who believe in evolution, astronomy, history or any type of cause-and-effect.

hobospacejunkie June 1, 2009 at 3:46 pm

And troll the archives, Britboy. ‘Round here it’s spelled ‘ghertto.’ Sometimes. When we remember to.

mollymcguire June 1, 2009 at 3:49 pm

Those snapping turtles who refuse to put forth their best efforts should be fired. Also, snapping turtles eat the ducks I want to have sex with.

Seriously, what the fuck are they talking about in that Oakland school press release?

jetjaguar June 1, 2009 at 3:50 pm

Dude doesn’t say “cracker” in that video. LAAAAAAAME

JMP June 1, 2009 at 3:50 pm

Wait, I don’t see anything that explains what anyone has against Black Panther teaching biology! Although I don’t know why he’d want to do so, being the king of the most technologically advanced nation on Earth, if he did, I don’t see why anyone would have a problem; as a scientist, he’s up there with the likes of Richards, Stark, McCoy and Pym. Can some people just not stand the though of a Wakandan teaching their children?

magic titty June 1, 2009 at 3:52 pm

Is it the ‘Whitey’ tape we’ve heard so much about?

BklynIlluminati June 1, 2009 at 3:55 pm

Oh Stop cracker is so last November. it’s all about my Chica putting the gringo down now mofos.

american mutt June 1, 2009 at 3:55 pm

In the secret black clubs, we call this gettin’ “schooled”.

Hopey dont play that game June 1, 2009 at 3:58 pm

This post is even more hilarious because I am taking a break from writing a grant proposal outlining educational interventions to improve children’s math learning. All the maths examples we use are about the buttsecks so the kids really pay attention.

WIDTAP June 1, 2009 at 4:01 pm

I like this Riley fellow. He is familiar with tentacle hentai, whereas Ken and Jim only know about furries and buttgut. (All of which is too much for Sara’s precious eyes).

Lakergrrl June 1, 2009 at 4:05 pm

Sotomayor is not from Mexico. She’s Nuyorican. Sheesh people get your latins right.

TGY June 1, 2009 at 4:11 pm

[re=329087]Lakergrrl[/re]: …which is next to…Oldyorican?

Nigerian Business Executive June 1, 2009 at 4:26 pm

Riley is my new favouritest Wonketteer ever! Sorry, you other three losers.

DustBowlBlues June 1, 2009 at 4:27 pm

I couldn’t make heads nor tails of that school post thing from hot air, or whatever it was. The thing is, when the wonkette eds post shit like this, everyone laughs. Liberals laugh at this shit. (Except not on KOS). Anyone who fell asleep during Bill Maher last Friday know that conservatives never, ever find anything funny. And they are never funny. They live on outrage.

So these test scores are freaky high? Bull shit. I had an algebra teacher when I was a wee one in AP math who used nazi techniques. No kidding–her name was Hauser and she humiliated people to inspire them to do well. I was supposed to be gifted, but I was ery, very shy. I developed a math phobia that exists to this day. On the SATS and ACTs I scored into the 98th percentile on verbal, and way below average on math. Bitch cost me a scholarship. (We were working class and no one had ever heard of a tutor).

Humiliation doesn’t work. They may score high on tests, but they’re gonna’ go kill someone. Maybe a doctor at church. Oh, I get it.

Did it ever occur to anyone the people who run this nazi death camp might be cheating?

CorkPopper June 1, 2009 at 4:30 pm

[re=329062]Hopey dont play that game[/re]: At the risk of sounding like a head-shaving free market zealot…I hope that if your proposal concerns teaching math at the elementary level, the interventions include things like “help children MEMORIZE their multiplication tables” and “give them LOTS OF PROBLEM SOLVING PRACTICE” and not “employ as many useless manipulatives and weird-ass approaches to basic arithmetic as possible”. Because as a parent who was forced to flee NYC public schools, I have come to the conclusion that there is such a thing as liberalism gone awry, and its name is Constructivism.

DustBowlBlues June 1, 2009 at 4:32 pm

Riley has been curiously silent about himself in spite of the wonkeratti’s nurturing community reaching out to embrace him. Do you think he might be a robot blogger?

Brendan M. June 1, 2009 at 4:32 pm

[re=329087]Lakergrrl[/re]: We’re not geologists or anything (we were taught by Multi-cultural specialists, ultra liberal zealots, and college-tainted oppression liberators, after all), so you’re going to have to tell us what part of Mexico that is.

LittlePig June 1, 2009 at 4:40 pm

[re=329077]WIDTAP[/re]: Indeed. The kid’s off to a good start. Brave enough to visit the rabid denizens of Redstate, and versed in enough history to realize what was truly important to Bill.

DustBowlBlues June 1, 2009 at 4:41 pm

My daughter was reading disabled and had a teacher of Slingerland method in her private tutoring. On word problems in math, Elise had this zippy way of breaking it down in three steps so a kid could get it.

I wish I remember what she said. Watching the tutor in practice, it occurred to me that the techniques would teach anyone, reading disabled or not, and if integrated into regular elementary school, could help a lot of kids whose disability hadn’t been diagnosed, or whose parents can’t just write checks for everything. And everyone would have learned.

But then do we really want to risk getting our children being hooked on phonics?

DustBowlBlues June 1, 2009 at 4:46 pm

BTW–When did free market/Christianity/and patriotism all get so hopelessly linked? I saw a lady on Book Notes on CSPAN (I’m old and therefore lead a tragically dull life) who’s written a book called “In God and Walmart We Trust”, or something close to that. I was listening raptly but it was just another boring history book by another boring historian, not someone blowing the lid off the walmart/Christian/Republican conspiracy, so I turned off the teevee.

hobospacejunkie June 1, 2009 at 4:51 pm

Hooked on Monkey Phonics, yes. The other? Not nearly so much fun.

Red Zeppelin June 1, 2009 at 5:03 pm

The thing I love about Wonkette is that it is so educational. I had never heard of tentacle porn before today and, hola, there is a Wikipedia page about it. Thanks, Riley. And I do think “maths” is a cooler way to say math.

AxmxZ June 1, 2009 at 5:04 pm

You know what else will make the coloreds sit up and pay attention in class? Chains. You know, to the desk. It’s for their own good.

RightLies June 1, 2009 at 5:11 pm

So this Oakland “School” teaches to the test like crazy – and then the students do well on the test. Wow! No wonder that site is called “Hot Air…”

AxmxZ June 1, 2009 at 5:16 pm

So, none of that school’s teachers are “college-tainted”? Well, that’s good to know. Wonder what those kids’ schedule is like?

5:00 – 5:15 Breakfast of still-beating baby seal hearts
5:16 Diarrhea break
5:20 – 7:20 Whooping with sticks (teacher-to-student, on the shaved head)
7:21 – 11:00 Shop class
11:01 – 11:20 – Lunch (the rest of the baby seals)
11:21 – 13:30 – In-depth discussions of Ayn Rand
13:31 – 15:30 – Whooping with sticks (student-to-teacher, on the naked ass. Dildos optional.)
15:31 – 15:40 – Attempt at math.
15:41 – 15:46 – Attempt at reading.
15:47 – 15:52 – Attempt at history.
16:25 – History lesson devolves into “Throw poo at a poster of Obama” contest.
16:30 – Prizes awarded to most accomplished poo throwers.
18:30 – Speeches in honor of most accomplished poo throwers wind down unexpectedly when one of the speakers collapses with a stroke.
18:35 – One unfortunate soul dares ask the assembled if any of them are profficient in the librul faggoty sheeple ass-rape known as CPR.
18:36 – 19:00 Stoning the librul sympathizer.
19:01 – 19:15 Burial of the dead.

And so on and so on, in this petty pace, from day to day, until some grateful alum takes a flamethrower to the lot.

AxmxZ June 1, 2009 at 5:21 pm

[re=329132]DustBowlBlues[/re]: The Soviet school system was also based on public humiliation, and look how far it got them! I mean, yeah, the country is gone and the people have not even a shred of self-governing skills, but they got nukes! (Although to be fair, most of those were built by Jews, who don’t count.)

Cicada June 1, 2009 at 5:30 pm

Shoot, I’m college tainted. Another job opportunity down the drain.

octupletsmom June 1, 2009 at 5:32 pm

Seriously, if I have to read any more “compelling white guy” stories, I’m going to blow up Teh Heartland.

Lionel Hutz Esq. June 1, 2009 at 5:34 pm

You know, RedState, Limbaugh, Hannity and Karl Rove all warned us what would happen if we let the blacks get all uppity on us.

lawrenceofthedesert June 1, 2009 at 5:44 pm

American Indian charter school — cherry pick the top students, put them in jail and harrass the daylights out of them until they are totally taught to the test. That’s education? It’s more like Marine boot camp — great impulse control for some potential psychotics, maybe, but anathematic to creativity or the ability to think. In the immortal words of noted crooner Mr. T., I pity the fool who sends his kid there.

Jukesgrrl June 1, 2009 at 6:49 pm

[re=329224]AxmxZ[/re]: So that’s what happens if you move across the bridge from Mayor Newsom?

Hopey dont play that game June 1, 2009 at 7:06 pm

[re=329141]CorkPopper[/re]: No touchy-feelie, self-esteem crap here. We are hard-core scientists.

aeiou June 2, 2009 at 8:09 am

[re=329231]AxmxZ[/re]:

many of my math profs from the place where i received my college taint, were products of the soviet educational system who hopped to yee old USA as soon as that iron curtain was done dropped. those dudes were crazier than the chinese profs.

you have not lived until you sit in front of an eighty year old russian who manages to turn a lecture on linear algebra into a miserable/bitter allegory on freedom/etc

AxmxZ June 2, 2009 at 2:20 pm

[re=329642]aeiou[/re]: In that case, my friend, I have lived. Oh boy, have I lived. (Except the prof was about 60, so not the same generation as your guy.)

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