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A pervert in Pennsylvania has been arrested. HOORAY FOR FRIDAY NEWS! Alan David Berlin, 40, and longtime staffer in the Pennsylvania state Senate, was charged Thursday for being a terrible panda furry who loved teenage boys so, so much. But is he only a panda furry?

No! That’s why we have a jump in this post!

PITTSBURGH (AP) — The Pennsylvania attorney general says a legislative staffer wanted to dress up in a panda costume and have sex with a 15-year-old boy.

Attorney General Tom Corbett says 40-year-old Alan David Berlin, of Carlisle, was charged Thursday with attempted sexual exploitation of children and related crimes.

A Corbett spokesman says the boy’s parents alerted authorities after finding graphic messages on his computer. He says agents found wolf- and cat-type costumes in Berlin’s home.

C’mon now.

AG: Man propositioned teen with animal costume sex [AP/Philly.com]

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61 COMMENTS

  1. You promised a panda furry and the agents only delivered “wolf- and cat-type costumes.” Damn you, Newell! And damn Pennsylvania. Wanting to dress up as a panda and DOING IT are two different things!!1!!11 (Oh well. Thanks for the photo and for properly hyphenating the costumes.) Pandas are hawtt.

  2. Damn parents. Fucking up everything for everyone. What’s wrong with a little “pandering”. As Auntie Mame says, “When you’re from Pittsburgh you have to do something.” Go Steelers! Go Pens! Woo-hoo!

  3. You left out the very bestest part:
    “A spokesman for Sen. Jane Orie [R-40] says Berlin has been suspended. Berlin worked in the Senate [on the Republican side of the aisle] about a decade, including the last several years with the Allegheny County Republican.”

    Orie is a former prosecutor, who ran a law and order campaign.

    What can I say? Family values!

  4. Can you imagine being the 15 -year-old in all this? He had to mentally process:

    1. That the person who was coming on to him was 40, and wanted to buttseccks him.
    2. All of the bizarre images of animals “yowfing”, or whatever the fuck they call it, that the dude had to have sent him
    3. That the 40-year-old who sent him all the furry porn wanted to fuck him buttally while dressed up as a panda.

    Try fitting that in between algebra class and games of Magic the Gathering. I’d put down payments on the shrink NOW if I were his parents.

  5. don’t hate. without republican furries, gaybashers, pedophiles, religious zealots, snowbillies, extortionists, bitters, fatties, pillheads, gangstars (im looking at you steele), and all around delusional wingnuts, what would we discuss? like…policy or some shit? i just got the chills thinking about it. or maybe thats the dry ice fusing to my nipples (im trying this bipartisan thing out).

  6. @Lionel Hutz Esq.: More to the point, who here hasn’t dressed up as a panda and had sex with a 15-year-old boy, amiright, guys? Guys?

  7. [re=327681]ManchuCandidate[/re]: But the sad is good because he’ll cry, his mascara will run and he’ll have panda eyes just in time for the prison sex.

  8. Sully was right – Repugs are kinkier! Trust me its hard to smuggle panda suits into hooskow, poor guy. Still owe a buttload of smokes.

  9. I had planned to dress up as a boy and have sex with a 15-year-old panda, but apparently there are a whole ‘nother set of laws forbidding that too.

  10. [re=327856]Naked Bunny with a Whip[/re]: Well, I did have Alberto Gonzalez issue a legal opinion authored by Jay Bybee that says that it was perfectly legal. I see no reason for anyone to revisit my actions.

  11. I always thought that pandas had a hard time getting in the mood. Or perhaps they’re just usually in the mood for 15 year old humans.

  12. Honestly can you imagine the parents’ reaction when they checked out the incriminating evidence on the computer? I would guess that while one dreads seeing pedophiles come on to your 15-year-old son, you know it happens. But in a panda suit? A panda suit? Nothing in the Parent Primer could prepare you for such a thing.

  13. HELLO YOUNG MAN! My name is Hsing-Hsing. Would you like to see my thing-thing?

    Perhaps you’d like a nice Chinese tea bag. Sounds like something that might interest you, my friend?

    This all sounds like a very, very bad Stewie Griffin fantasy. Rupert? Rupert?

  14. No one could understand why Mr. Berlin was such an enthusiastic volunteer to play Santa at every holiday party. “Hello little boy, how would you like to sit on my lap and talk about the first thing that pops up?”

  15. One good panda pun!?! (thanks, Colander) What kind of pandamonium is this? Berlin wasn’t arrested for pandaring? His arrest doesn’t mark the start of a pedophile pandamic? He isn’t looking at pandatory jail time? He wasn’t singing, “it’s a marvelous night for a pandance?” I am bamboozled by this…

  16. [re=327739]Bill_TX[/re]: I’m not sure there is even a point of mentioning if people like this are Republicans. It goes without saying that they are. If they are Democrats, that counds as real news, because of the shock involved.

  17. [re=327918]DustBowlBlues[/re]:

    1. Pa. Republican senate staffer Pandaman comes, heh heh heh ,,, a-heh, from Carlisle, county seat, so to speak, of Pa.’s Cumberland County, where former (until his arrest for videography with intent to butthole) Republican County Commissioner Bruce Barclay worked, again, so to speak.
    2. Rick Santorum went to law school in Carlisle.
    3. Mere chance or pure circumstance?
    http://wonkette.com/tag/cumberland
    Ex-PA Official Taped Sex With Hundreds of Male Prostitutes

  18. S.Luggo:

    So then I guess it’s official: Panda Boy Berlin and County Commissioner Bruce Barclay put the cum in Cumberland County!

  19. No joke, a couple I knew in college used to engage in public cutesy-talk on a regular basis. He called her “Panda,” and that was her cue to say (in a cuddle-wy, presumably panda-esque voice), “I’m not fat; I’m fluffy.” So when the story mentioned a panda suit, I already had visions of a chunky alt-chick from the early 90s. Fast forward to the present: those pictures of Pedopandaman have struck closer to home than I would like. I keep hearing him say, “I’m not fat; I’m fluffy.” Until a few minutes ago, I thought it amusing that I fucked a fat girl-furry in college. I now see the need to seriously rethink my life to this point.

  20. And so it goes. Maybe it’s the water.
    ***

    http://www.cumberlink.com/articles/2009/07/02/news/local/doc4a4bb9acb2647015322992.txt
    July 2, 2009
    Carlisle Sentinnel [Cumberland County, Pennsylvania]

    On Tuesday, Ronald P. Frank was a deeply involved member of the Wormleysburg-area community: borough councilman, code enforcement officer for Lemoyne, commissioner of the West Shore Bureau of Fire and a former crossing guard at Lemoyne Middle School.

    On Wednesday, he was in Cumberland County [PA] Prison in lieu of $250,000 bail, accused of sexual misconduct with three teen boys.

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