You would be forgiven if you assumed that the members of our political class were terrible killer cyborgs, sent from the future to kill us all, with skeletons and organs made from metal and plastic. Or perhaps you believe them to be terrible hell-demons, with skin made out of scales wrapped around viscera of pure fire. But you might be surprised to learn that neither of these descriptions are true. Elected officials are real humans, like you! If you prick them, do they not bleed? If you tickle them, do they not laugh? Also, they poop and have huge boners, as you’ll see after the jump.
Oh look, it appears that major world leaders are solving diplomatic problems the old-fashioned way: with a dick-measuring contest! Obviously, though, they’re not going to just drop trou and let people see what they’ve got going on downstairs; instead, they’ve been invited to lovingly sculpt a depiction of their phalli in the most artistic way possible. The leaders of Iran and North Korea are taking the traditional “more is more” approach when it comes to penises, with something of a nod towards regional preferences — length has been king in Persia since the days of Cyrus the Great, while the Koreans are apparently more inclined towards girth. Barack Obama, meanwhile, prefers not to overwhelm his opposition with mass alone, and has instead carved a loving depiction of the complex system of sex toys he straps to his junk to bring one very special lady to places you can’t even imagine.
But, no matter how elaborate a sex-harness a gentleman wears, his “personal business” is pretty simple to get your mind around, am I right, fellas? But ladies — well, who even knows what goes on with lady parts with their g-spots and … and … such. For instance, Nancy Pelosi’s naughty bits apparently emitted a raging fire that left the innocent city of Santa Barbara a burnt-out wasteland. What was the cause of this conflagration: horniness, or chlamydia, or something more sinister? And what were she and her charred pants doing in Santa Barbara in the first place? Why was it the first victim of her flaming crotch? We will never know the answer; we know only that she, and her stuff, must be stopped.
Moving just an inch or two to the rear … Remember good old Benjamin Netanyahu, and how he came to meet Bill Clinton in 1996? And Bill Clinton thought he could fix the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, because he was young and full of hope, and hadn’t internalized the fact that that particular little dispute is an awful shitshow that will be happy to serve as the graveyard of your hopes and dreams? Now we learn the truth of what happened: Bibi shook hands with Clinton and used his magic Zionist powers to cause instant constipation on the part of the formerly jocular American president. As you can see in the second panel, Clinton spent the next four years in a state of advanced bowel irritation, thus preventing him from bringing peace to the Middle East and winning that Nobel Prize that gets Gore all the chicks.
But now, back to the present! Did you hear that Barack Obama nominated someone to the Supreme Court? It’s a gal … not currently married … doesn’t look like a model … hmmm, I wonder what Republicans will say about her. Or maybe they won’t say anything at all. Maybe they’ll just, in the words of this Oliphant cartoon’s narration box, “eat the rug.” Hmm? Eat the rug? You know, or maybe … chew the floor covering? Or … munch the carpet? Yes, don’t mind us Republicans while your Supreme Court candidate breezes through a Senate chamber dominated by Democrats, we’ll just be over here engaging in some kind of elaborate carpet munching exercise, to make a point about something or other.
Later, President Obama wandered outside for some quiet contemplation, during which he was pelted with turds. He endured the fecal onslaught with quiet dignity and nobility, as is his wont.