By the Comics Curmudgeon

You would be forgiven if you assumed that the members of our political class were terrible killer cyborgs, sent from the future to kill us all, with skeletons and organs made from metal and plastic. Or perhaps you believe them to be terrible hell-demons, with skin made out of scales wrapped around viscera of pure fire. But you might be surprised to learn that neither of these descriptions are true. Elected officials are real humans, like you! If you prick them, do they not bleed? If you tickle them, do they not laugh? Also, they poop and have huge boners, as you’ll see after the jump.

Oh look, it appears that major world leaders are solving diplomatic problems the old-fashioned way: with a dick-measuring contest! Obviously, though, they’re not going to just drop trou and let people see what they’ve got going on downstairs; instead, they’ve been invited to lovingly sculpt a depiction of their phalli in the most artistic way possible. The leaders of Iran and North Korea are taking the traditional “more is more” approach when it comes to penises, with something of a nod towards regional preferences — length has been king in Persia since the days of Cyrus the Great, while the Koreans are apparently more inclined towards girth. Barack Obama, meanwhile, prefers not to overwhelm his opposition with mass alone, and has instead carved a loving depiction of the complex system of sex toys he straps to his junk to bring one very special lady to places you can’t even imagine.

But, no matter how elaborate a sex-harness a gentleman wears, his “personal business” is pretty simple to get your mind around, am I right, fellas? But ladies — well, who even knows what goes on with lady parts with their g-spots and … and … such. For instance, Nancy Pelosi’s naughty bits apparently emitted a raging fire that left the innocent city of Santa Barbara a burnt-out wasteland. What was the cause of this conflagration: horniness, or chlamydia, or something more sinister? And what were she and her charred pants doing in Santa Barbara in the first place? Why was it the first victim of her flaming crotch? We will never know the answer; we know only that she, and her stuff, must be stopped.

Moving just an inch or two to the rear … Remember good old Benjamin Netanyahu, and how he came to meet Bill Clinton in 1996? And Bill Clinton thought he could fix the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, because he was young and full of hope, and hadn’t internalized the fact that that particular little dispute is an awful shitshow that will be happy to serve as the graveyard of your hopes and dreams? Now we learn the truth of what happened: Bibi shook hands with Clinton and used his magic Zionist powers to cause instant constipation on the part of the formerly jocular American president. As you can see in the second panel, Clinton spent the next four years in a state of advanced bowel irritation, thus preventing him from bringing peace to the Middle East and winning that Nobel Prize that gets Gore all the chicks.

But now, back to the present! Did you hear that Barack Obama nominated someone to the Supreme Court? It’s a gal … not currently married … doesn’t look like a model … hmmm, I wonder what Republicans will say about her. Or maybe they won’t say anything at all. Maybe they’ll just, in the words of this Oliphant cartoon’s narration box, “eat the rug.” Hmm? Eat the rug? You know, or maybe … chew the floor covering? Or … munch the carpet? Yes, don’t mind us Republicans while your Supreme Court candidate breezes through a Senate chamber dominated by Democrats, we’ll just be over here engaging in some kind of elaborate carpet munching exercise, to make a point about something or other.

Later, President Obama wandered outside for some quiet contemplation, during which he was pelted with turds. He endured the fecal onslaught with quiet dignity and nobility, as is his wont.

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  1. Is anyone ready for the One to hit the red button and show NK whose missile is the biggest, the baddest, the most… um… baddest?

    America — fuck yeah!

    (clearly the witch needs her coffee stat. Mainline please. Extra bitter if you got it…)

  2. Wussy Obama in the first cartoon doesn’t even have the balls to start another arms race. Because 2,000 warhead-tipped missiles aren’t enough, you’ve gotta have shinny new ones. The French are probably even more gay about their atom bombs. At least the U.S. has a record of using them in war.

  3. Does “eat the rug” even have a non-sexual connotation? Because they’re not literally eating a rug, it has to be a metaphor, but for what?!? Iz confuzed.

  4. Why is the nerdy dude from Funky Winkerbean building Iran’s phallic symbol? Besides the obvious fact that any gig is better than residing in Tom Batiuk’s sadistic emotional wasteland of a cartoon, that is. Well — question answered.

  5. [re=327210]Internally valid[/re]: It’s always sexual. In fact, methinks I spy two sexual images in that cartoon — the rug-munching and the vaginal dentata — check out the teeth on that guy! SCARY.

  6. Until you brought the phrase around to a sex act I can understand I was wondering if “eat the rug” wasn’t some sort of cryptic reference to congressional pages.

  7. Okay, Biblical illiterates, here is the relevant context for the Pelosi cartoon, from Revelation 17:16:

    “And the ten horns which thou sawest upon the beast, these shall hate the whore, and shall make her desolate and naked, and shall eat her flesh, and burn her with fire.”

  8. [re=327226]T. Way[/re]: sadly, that is not what is being referred too. the cartoonist was kind enough to include a sign that says, “liar, liar, pants on fire.” do not overestimate the level of discourse, it will only cause you pain.

  9. [re=327222]Jsab[/re]: We are not going to start a war. The S Koreans certainly won’t. I guess the answer to your question depends on whether the N Korean military (relatively rational people)
    can keep Kim (rationality dubious) in check.

  10. get it? c*rp*t m*nch*rs? I have to say that I find that one a bit derogatory. The slang is pejorative. If the nominee were suspected of being a gay man, would Oliphant have said, “with a well qualified single man, the only thing the republicans can do is lighten their loafers”? I hope not. FAIL for Oliphant.

  11. [re=327228]cranky[/re]: Ugh. You’re right. God that’s idiotic.

    Also, Judge Sotomayor: Don’t let that Rebublican much your carpet! Those teeth look very dangerous.

  12. [re=327240]Advocatus_Diaboli[/re]: I had some disagreements over there, maybe you can help me. Pelosi is the Whore of Babylon, clearly (obviously, California = Babylon, not hard to see). The antichrist is, maybe, Obama? But who is the Beast?!

  13. Dear Mike Ramirez:
    Congratulations! You have progressed from being racist, homophobic, and stupid to being merely silly and irrelevant. What next? The ability to lift your knuckles enough so they don’t drag the ground?
    No love,
    queeraselvis v 2.0

  14. [re=327241]bureaucrap[/re]: Oliphant’s performance is part of the overall FAIL of WaPo’s editorial page. Why’d they keep that Herblock idiot around for 40 years? Or Richard Cohen? Or Fred Hiatt?

  15. Ya know, the N Korean wack-o’s have about 80 thousand howitzers that they have had decades to build elaborate bunker thingies (they have annual contests in the peoples army I heard) all within shelling distance of Seoul. They could rain down shells at the rate of a couple hunnerd thousand/hour. Just saying. Do they really NEED a nuke??? Looks kinda cool though.

  16. [re=327255]T. Way[/re]: I thought Dubya was the whore of Babylon. Seeing him strutting around a military base in Baghdad carrying a big fake turkey pretty much sealed it for me.

    Of course I could be wrong — interpreting the datura-addled lunacy of that halfwit John of Patmos was never my strong point.

  17. I[re=327315]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Is there any independent confirmation for the existence of the lunatic of Patmos? I always suspected that he was cooked up out of the same whole cloth as his alleged revelation(s).

  18. [re=327324]x111e7thst[/re]: Don’t know — even the Wikipedia entry on him is pretty sparse, although it mentions that some people believe he was the same person as the author of Acts and the Gospel of John, which means only that he got far less coherent in his dotage. And that his name probably wasn’t John. I think the only thing anyone knows for sure about him is that he was a raving lunatic — which is all it took to get into the Bible.

  19. [re=327263]american mutt[/re]: Are you female, eye-popping hot, and possessed of a morally casual attitude w/r/t male-female intimacy?

  20. Does Ramirez not know that Pelosi’s district is San Francisco, not Santa Barbara? Now if his cartoon linked her to the 1906 fire that burned half the city after the quake, then it might seem SLIGHTLY less ridiculous. On second thought, no.

  21. I interpret the Ramirez cartoon as saying Nancy Pelosi is a firecrotch, i.e., Nancy is really Lindsay Lohan. That would explain why Lindsay hasn’t done much of anything since that Herbie movie.

  22. Is that Bill Clinton painfully masturbating to a fantasy of a “thunderhead”, or did he always masturbate furiously and angrily whenever frustrated by the affairs of state. Is that a barbwire glove he’s jerking off with?

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