Wonkette
- Using Google Maps and his abacus, Doug Ross proves Barack Obama has no business closing that Chrysler dealership in Mexico. [Doug Ross]
- In response to a Freedom of Information Act request filed by the ACLU, the White House grudgingly released a video of Mr. and Mrs. Obama, high on whippets, hosting a depraved Easter Egg Roll for stray boys and cats on their front lawn. [Hit & Run]
- Entirely unprepared to answer a kindergartner’s question regarding butt-sex and the 10th Amendment, Rep. John Culberson (R-TX) pulled the fire alarm and hid under a desk until he was reassured it was all over. [Think Progress]
- Someone on the teevee called adorable Scotswoman Susan Boyle a craven munter. Boyle responded by singing a glorious “Fuck Off,” hitting that hard to reach F6. Everyone in the room burst into tears and the Queen Mother presented her with the Order of the British Empire, which aside from other notable perks allows Susan’s descendants to drive sheep over Westminster Bridge. [The Daily Beast]
- Shameless mechaphiliac and incumbent First Gentleman of Alaska Todd Palin begged his daughter to dump her semen-filled human boyfriend and have unprotected sex with a shiny new Chrysler instead. [HuffPost]
Who the fuck is Riley Waggaman?
A Muslin?
…dump her semen-filled human boyfriend and have unprotected sex with a shiny new Chrysler instead.
So Chrysler’s making dildos now? I’m glad to see them penetrating a new market.
“Whadda we have for her, Johnny?!”
You had me at “stray boys and cats “, intern Riley.
Riley! Butt-sex!
Nice Eddy Munster doo there, Levi.
That Doug Ross has the sharp intellect and eye for detail that makes me wonder: is he just taking a breather from hunting the Illuminati?
So Levi revealed Todd’s proposed buy-out in an interview with GQ? Doesn’t that stand for “gentlemens’ quarterly?” Something’s not right here. Cuz it says on their Web site that it comes out every month.
Oh, and if Levi’s a gentleman, I’m a pair of rusty Truck Nutz.
SayItWithWookies:
Rich, Corinthian pleather.
Why isn’t it considered child porn when GQ does it?
taylormattd: His name used to be “Dick Wiggler” but there were too many jokes.
Doug Ross’ grasp of probabilities is right up there with the guy who sued the Large Hadron Collider on the basis that it had a 50/50 chance of destroying the Earth.
We’ll have to see how Nate Silver deals with this one. In the post linked to he shows that most dealers are Republican. This may involve the use of a GIS and … I dunno … graph theory or the like. Of course, I suppose it is remotely possible “Doug Ross” is a paranoid kook.
That John Culbertson (R-Dada) statement is a thing of incoherent beauty. Each sentence contradicts the one preceding it.
Waggaman, you cheeky devil.
“Craven munter”. Is that the Cockney code for “Moravian cunter”?
I watched the Easter Egg Roll video and I have to ask, when did Jose Andres get a 6-year-old sous chef? Was she the inspiration for the cotton candy fois gras?
If you like that conspiracy - get this one:
100% of people killed in airplane crashes have flown once or more in their lifetimes in a - get this - a plane. That’s right. There is no recorded case of a single person who’s never flown in a plane being killed in an plane crash.
Put another way - getting in an airplane increases your chance of being killed in a crash from ZERO to some other number.
V572625694: Well, Bristol is hardly a lady, so they’re perfect for each other. And frankly, that Maury “you are NOT the father” Povich Alaska circus act deserves to have every strip of goody, goody Christian BS veneer stripped clean off. Couldn’t be happening to a better group of clowns.
Gosh, just when I thought humanity was making progress, I had to go and read the thoughts of John Culberson. I’d bet he wears a chest wig and a tartan plaid love thong.
That last piece is an absolute lie. A real American like the first-dude would never let his daughter sully her buttocks with a machine made by a socialist car company!
Riley, you’re doing a fine job. Take off your hat and stay awhile.
PS: Doug Ross stole his name from George Clooney. Another conspiracy. This one designed to confuse dumb ladies.
JMP: Now if he and Palin would run on the same ticket…
First Condi gets punked by a 4th grader on national security, now Culberson is reduced to a pulsating mound of gibberish by another CHILD on equal protection (or whatever the fuck he was attempting to spin)?
No wonder the GOP needs to protect the unborn - can’t lose an argument with a fetus.
Futeless.
Thank you Rep. Culberson for reminding me exactly why I would gladly welcome the secession of Texas. We’ll keep Austin, though.
Did you check out Nate Silver’s analysis of the Dealership controversy?
http://www.fivethirtyeight.com/2009/05/news-flash-car-dealers-are-republicans.html
Good show, Riley. PLEASE DO NOT LEAVE.
And Texan Bulldoggette. We’d like to keep her, too.
Ah, Culberson. When all else fails and your dissembling gives way to all-out rambling, it’s good to know you can always reliably fall back to the “but then we’ll have to protect man-donkey sex!” argument.
Also, request for next roundup: NOM NOM NOM’s newest ad, decrying same same sex marriage. Double the typos, double the fun.
taylormattd: Riley Waggaman is the person who killed Intern Juli to get her job. He strangled her with a paisley ascot. There were no witnesses; everyone else at Wonkette was out drinking. Hard evidence is unavailable since paisley ascots are made of silk, not DNA, and the paisleys make it hard to see fingerprints. Metro Police are no match for the Evil Genius Waggaman. (I can say that since I no longer live in DC.) Poor Juli. Somebody better call Nancy Grace.
CULBERSON: “Well under the 10th Amendment, the states have a first responsibility for providing for public safety, public health, public morality. All issues that just affect the people within that state. It’s up to the states. And you either follow the constitution or you don’t.
Now, personally, I think — and it’s I think also self-evident — that you’ve got to have a marriage between a man and woman or society’s not going to make it. You’re not going to have a fruitful, growing, productive civilization unless marriage is between a man and a woman. I mean, that’s just history — history will show you that. But it is a person’s private business. Their private life is their private business. I’m fundamentally a libertarian at heart. And I do believe in the 10th amendment. I don’t want to hear about somebody’s private behavior.”
Will. Not. Compute.
Jukesgrrl:
“Riley Waggaman” is an anagram for “Grimy Anal Wage,” so pretty much anything is possible.
taylormattd: He’s Newell’s manservant, so to speak.
Crazybroad: Aaah…thanks, you’re too kind. But I’m in Austin, so you probably aren’t too surprised!
Doug Ross: Maths ur doin it rong.
When do we see Young Master Riley’s avatar?
Excellent inaugural efforts, Riley. Man, your name… sorry, guy, but it does elicit mirth.
Great job, Riley, even though teh buttsecks was spelled incorrectly.
Good job, young Riley. Tell me, what is the life of Riley like? Anyway, take a lesson from Susie Boyle and don’t crack under the pressure of your new celebrity (or hers - you know, if she attempts to defenestrate you).
Riley, this is the good shit. Your reportage is witty and urbane and mostly made up, which is how we like it.
Hey Riley, I know you’re new around here, but I think the Wonkette style guide requires that it be spelled “Buttsechs” or “Buttseks” not “Butt-Sex.” “Ass Fucking,” “Pawlenty Style” and “Doin’ the Santorum” are also acceptable.
Culberson sent everyone with a computer in his district, the 7th Congressional District of Texas, a statement on the day Tom Delay resigned that Delay was a victim of the Liberal media and a great patriot. He also told a Houston audience that George Bush had “a heart of gold.” Even the senior Republican Party officials in his part of Texas are embarrassed by him, and that is no small feat.
I whole-heartedly approve of your perverted vocabulary, Mr. W. Please continue your fine work.
Hi, Riley,
Loved your mom’s noodle place in London! If hers is Wagamama- what does Waggaman serve?
Remarkable that Culberson is Poppy Bush’s congressman. When River Oaks Episcopals are the closest you can get to communist-liberals, then this is the kind of congressman you will get. (Non-snark: it’s also astounding that his district includes Montrose. Lots of sodomites in Montrose.) Finally, it appears he stole Chuck Rosenthal’s notes from his Supreme Court argument in Lawrence v. Texas.
(It didn’t end well for Chuck either who resigned as Harris Co. DA after a myriad of scandals including but not limited to sex with and abuse of staff, racism, & incompetence.)
Is young Riley allowed to respond to our comments? What avatar will he use?
Suspense.
Bronkers:
And I’m sure Riley, himself, elicits girth.
qwerty42: I’m pissed at Nate Silver. I had to leave Huffpo immediately because I saw he claims the Republics don’t have to be nice to Mexcuns to win the WH. So fuck Nate Silver. And I don’t intend to read his article about it, either. The Huffpo headline is enough for me.
I’m so sad, I think I’ll go watch that Antwerp bus depot utube movie again.
facehead: Riley has one of those millennial, androgynous names and is no doubt bisexual with at least one tattoo and like all members of his/her generation needs to be constantly told s/he is special.
As the oldster tonight, let me be your wonkette mom, young Riley. Yes, you’re special.
There. I hope you feel better now. The rest of these potty-mouthed losers are going to be taunting you with butseks and trucknutz. Just keep surfing the interwebs to bring them humorous news items to make fun of and they’ll stay happy.
You’re welcome.
DustBowlBlues: This is based on having raised one of your generation myself, Riley. Except she has a feminine name, not tattoo but turned into a lesbian anyway, so what do I know about kids? Just to keep telling the little twits they’re special.
One last note about fine young Riley: Really? Wag a man? Jesus, kid, if you made it through high school with a name like that then the wonkeratti are going to be easy.
Awww, Riley, you’ve been adopted! And by an Okie no less. She’s got a lot of experience, so you might want to listen to (humor) her. You definitely want her on your side, because she is a treasure trove of information on Oklahoma politics which, as you know, is of great importance and relevance to this blog.
DustBowlBlues: How’s the eye? You haven’t mentioned it much lately, so I assume the affliction you share with George Clooney is in abeyance.
Riley, just promise me that there will be no pictures of you in a bathtub, legs akimbo.
Abdul’s(!)comment on the Easter Egg Roll video at Hit & run:
I still fondly remember the Bush easter egg hunts, where kids would just hold the Bunny in a stress position until he told them where the eggs were.
Not to add too much to the Riley adoration, but well done. The intern quality is very good I gotta say. May you follow in the footsteps of Juli or exceed her.
Dumb-ass Todd. You don’t buy the daughter the car, you buy the boyfriend a car with just enough fuel to get to LA and become an ‘actor’
hobospacejunkie: Thanks about asking about the eye. It’s better though not cured. Except now my cat is gone, eaten by coyotes no doubt, so my life of tragedy continues. Not to mention the fact the OK congressional delegation hasn’t changed. I offered Cheney’s life in exchange for my cat’s, but God didn’t go for it. The wonkeratti seemed to, though.
Was Spike from Top Chef in that Easter Egg Roll video? I have a serious problem with that.