JESUS CHRIST, CANADA. Wonkette Loonie operative “David” writes that where he lives, in Canada, “The Representative of Her Majesty the Queen has raised the profile of the Monarchy in Canada by grabbing the beating heart out of a baby seal and eating live on camera.” It’s true, she really does — it’s in the newspapers!

The Toronto Star (“The Josh Marshall of Lower Nutland”) writes that Canadian Governor General Michaelle Jean “sliced off and sampled a piece of seal heart from the dripping carcass of a freshly slaughtered seal” at some local thing.

Watch damnit!

Is this Michaelle Jean’s “Sister Souljah moment” on national security?

[Toronto Star]

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  1. “It’s totally respectful of nature to eat a seal heart as a political publiciy stunt. Now I’m off to a meeting with the GLBT community where I shall sample some of their fresh pussy.

  2. Please. Nothing but an amateur.

    Dick Cheney rips out with his bare hands and eats human baby hearts for breakfast. He then hands the still-convulsing corpse back to the baby’s mother with constructive criticism on how she can make her nest baby taste better.

  3. Let’s hear a little smugness from you Canuckistani posters now, please. I’m particularly curious about why you need a napkin to eat still-beating seal heart.

    [[re=324933]Custerwolf[/re]: ” Good one. No charge for closing you quote.

  4. Kinda makes shaking hands until your fingers bleed, kissing colicky babies, and eating whatever ethnic horror delicacy the local pols inflict on you (ludefisk, etc.) seem tame.

  5. The tapeworms were encysting that she try some intestine.
    However, if she ingested anything aside from the heart it was just a fluke.

  6. [re=324960]Dreadful Gate[/re]: Thanks.
    There are apparently still a few graceless politicians sporting a wide enough stance to straddle such a cultural divide.

  7. [re=324975]Custerwolf[/re]: Got one of my immunology books in the mail today (Amazon is so FAST!). So if you see me on Wonkette for too long a stretch kindly remind me that I should be studying. Thank you.

  8. This was done to serve notice to any Americans wanting to ‘defect’ to Canada.. we eat the hearts of our young, what the fuck do you think we are going to do to you assholes!

  9. how’s it go eskimo
    tell me what you know eskimo
    how you feel eskimo
    (ice cold)
    tell me tell me what you feel eskimo
    (super cold)

    now you dead, now you dead,
    cause i’m an animal, and i’m bigger than you!!

  10. Canadians have always been a brutal, blood-thirsty, maniacal race.

    The only question is why didn’t former potentate Cheney invade them and impose regime change instead of allowing this menace to continue. Just imagine what will happen when they get nuclear weapons!

  11. [re=324980]Custerwolf[/re]: Are you studying up for vet school or just adding to your knowledge pool? I just got the ‘Book Lovers’ London’ today ($1.99 + shipping, used from Amazon!) and am reading up on all the great second-and bookstores there.
    Although they’re a little price Powells is one reason I’m pretty keen on living in Portland.

  12. Oh goody! A parasite that this pandering dumb-ass could get! Thanks guys!!

    No bad wishes for traditional Aboriginal (nee Inuit, nee Eskimo) heart-eaters, though.

  13. My most compelling memory of Canada was when I was crossing the border from Alaska into the Yukon and in front of me rolling along at a 20 mph clip and weaving erratically across both lanes was an old blue Pontiac. It was the most bizzare scene, way out in the middle of NOWHERE – where you only passed the occasional vehicle every few hours. The car eventually rolled off to the side of the highway where the doors opened, spilling out a cargo of three incredibly drunk natives – two guys and a gal. They literally fell out of the car and began staggering around it in confused circles as if they had no clue where they were or how they’d got there. All three were in an unbelievable state of drunken stupification. It was sad, tragic, and not the least bit humorous. The hopelessness of that situation will haunt me forever.

  14. [re=325002]chascates[/re]: The latter. I miss going to my old used bookstores. They are so full of treasures. But in the present economy, I have to save the gas (an hour’s drive) and order my books via Amazon. It’s not nearly as fun because you can’t sift through the books. When I lived in New York, I used to go the Barnes and Noble outlet to get used textbooks. Because they were so cumbersome, I’d tear out the individual chapters and read them on my way to work.

  15. [re=325002]chascates[/re]: Another reason to be keen on living in Portland (I don’t) is that it makes conservatards insane with rage: rapid transit! urban growth boundaries! Reed College! All those trees!

    Makes me with I were there now, as I was a year ago at Hopey’s big revival meeting at Tom McCall Park. Pretty neat day.

  16. [re=325011]NoWireHangers[/re]: Keep in mind there are also we “middle of the roaders” who don’t mind natives (or anyone else)hunting for food. But when you kill for tradition or fashion – and then flaunt your cardiacting skills purely for political reasons, then I’m gonna come after you. With a dull rusty ulu.

  17. What the fucking fuck?

    From what I understand, the Harperbots in Canada City love to whine about how Michaëlle Jean (gotta get that dieresis over the e) is a no-talent hack picked as GovGen because she’s a minority. Well, HA HA HA YOU LOSE HARPER. If Michaëlle is OK with eating a beating seal heart, what else she capable of?

    Oh yes, she did that to piss off the EU types over the new EU seal products ban. It’s just another sad chapter in Europe-Canada City relations, which includes Iceland almost starting a war with Canada City over fishing in what Iceland claims were its territorial waters.

  18. Man, that makes me HUNGRY!

    But I’d want a side of fried whooping crane, with some passenger pigeon fritters.


    All out of the latter?


  19. [re=325024]President Beeblebrox[/re]: I like the sound of that: “A war with Iceland.”

    What’s their “Navy”: A rowboat?

    Ah, for the Good Old Days of the Reagan Administration: When we’d only invade “pre-school countries” like Grenada; and run like rabbits from messes like Beriut.

  20. Holy Jesus fuck, the zombies have conquered Canada. Close the border! Break out the shotguns! Tell Obama to name George Romero special zombie defense consultant to DHS!

  21. Canuckistani here, was going to write something informative and word-filled about Jean or the role of the GG or the seal hunt or anything, but, ehh*. Seal nutz.

    *ehh; a sigh of non-enthusiasm / not to be confused with eh; a Canadian mating call

  22. [re=325024]President Beeblebrox[/re]: But this is the GG who allowed Harper to prorogue Parliament and avoid the will of the majority of Parliament. Surely the conservatards love her to death?

  23. [re=325084]Dashboard_Buddha[/re]: “Do they really eat seal penis?”
    I don’t honestly know, but it’s been told by the ancients that the penis bone gives slanty-eyed men boners. In Canada, they are referred to colloquially as “snowbilly toothpicks.”

  24. Congratulations on graduating from the Mesolithic to the Neolithic Age, Canada. I expect you’ll be showing off your Impressed Ware pottery soon, feasting on fire-cooked horse and burying your leaders under huge mounds with the carcasses of aurochs, wild boar and roe deer.

  25. What a totally badass move. I’m now an even bigger fan of the Governor General. And the fact that it gives you star-spangled sissies the heebie-jeebies is all the better.

    And hey, it ain’t pandering. She ‘s appointed, she doesn’t need the votes.

    Props to custerwolf though for the “blew a seal” reference. Still one of my all-time favourite jokes.

  26. Maggie’s Farmboy: You’re right. She is hot. Unfortunately, she has the kind of hotness that instantly turns to dogshit the minute she opens her gaping maw.

  27. Hmmm CW, I’m going to have to go ahead and disagree with you on that one. She can open her maw for me anytime.

    But being a chai latte-swilling yuppie who once lived in the arctic part of Canada, the reaction to this story has been amazing. It’s fun watching the curtain being pulled back on the urbanite sensitivities of a class of people who don’t have a freakin’ clue about how half the world lives.

  28. Maggie’: North slope, I assume.
    “a class of people who don’t have a freakin’ clue about how half the world lives.”
    As opposed to that “class of people” – even more clueless – who don’t know how 99.9% of the world lives.

  29. [re=325112]Maggie’s Farmboy[/re]: Agreed. If teh Amerikanz can’t handle a little beating seal-heart chow-down, there’s no way I’m telling them what I have for breakfast every morning. Anyway, all you need to know about Canadian cuisine is that most things taste pretty good with enough maple syrup on them.

  30. [re=325140]Bruno[/re]: I heard they released a statement earlier today asking Govenor General Jean to please have a heart.
    I’m beginning to think their PR person is phoning it in from Tahiti.

  31. The only way this could be better would be if she pulled out a Tupperware™ container and ate her heart snack during committee in Brussels. Maybe place a Prairie Oyster beside everyone’s water bottle as well.

  32. “(”The Josh Marshall of Lower Nutland”)”

    She ate the seal’s nuts next? Or does she wait the Alberta Calf Nut Festival?

    Zhu Bajie

  33. Yeah, this is in prep for the upcoming election.

    It’ll play well in newfoundland, the maritimes in general, and very well in the north. It’s actually a fairly solid political move from an disliked Governer General. After the Epic Fail that was Dion, enviromentalists are a little less liked then rabid wharf rats in most of Canada.

  34. FYI:
    SEOUL (AFP) — North Korea warned of a military response after South Korea joined an anti-proliferation exercise, and said it is no longer bound by the 1953 armistice which ended their war.
    A military statement quoted by official media also said the North could no longer guarantee the safety of shipping off its west coast.
    It repeated Pyongyang’s position that Seoul’s decision to join the US-led Proliferation Security Initiative (PSI) is tantamount to a declaration of war.
    South Korea announced Tuesday it will become a full member of the PSI initiative to curb trade in weapons of mass destruction, after the North tested a nuclear weapon the previous day.
    “Any tiny hostile acts against our republic, including the stopping and searching of our peaceful vessels… will face an immediate and strong military strike in response,” the statement said.
    “Our military will no longer be bound by the armistice accord as the current US leadership… has drawn the puppets (South Korea) into the PSI,” said the statement from the North’s military representative at the border truce village of Panmunjom.
    The statement said that if the armistice is no longer binding, “the Korean peninsula will go back to a state of war.”
    This meant North Korean troops would take “corresponding military action,” the statement said without giving details.
    “Those who have provoked us will face unimaginable merciless punishment.”
    The statement said the US “imperialists and the traitor Lee Myung-Bak’s group have driven the situation on the Korean peninsula into a state of war.”

  35. [re=325179]Heq[/re]: “then” instead of “than”? I love it when people speak Canadian. Makes me glad we never conquered Canadastan. Would have required publication of a second dictionary, apart from the Frenchie one. One country, three languages.

  36. Since she’s only Her Majesty’s representative, I expect Elizabeth II to top her by charging – naked – into a crowd of walrus, flinging mangled carcasses aside until she finds the alpha female’s brood and gulps them down whole, in one swallow.
    Or perform a discreet, congratulatory Inuit muff-butt with Michaelle Jean.

  37. Since eating, Michaëlle Jean has spent her time balancing a ball on her nose, clapping her hands and playing simple melodies on a series of squeeze horns.

  38. …jumping queues and makin’ haste, just ain’t my cup of (seal) meat…

    But when Jean the FauxInuit gets here
    Everybody’s gonna jump for joy!

  39. [re=325207]upnorth[/re]: Even combined those two comments of yours aren’t as lame as[re=325184]this pencil dick’s[/re], but keep trying. I think it’s cute when you wilderness wannabes get your insulated carharrts in a twist. I understand that our mysterious civilized ways put a crimp in your testes, but it’s the wave of the future, baby. Surf it or drown in the undertow. Oh – and please have a big bag of walrus dicks while we cream your Jean.

  40. Hey, talk about owning it, anyway. No sugercoating with this gal, gotta respect that.

    I worked in a seafood restaurant, we used to split live lobsters in half by the hundreds, for fun we would pull out their beating hearts and put them in a little dish of water and watch them continue to beat for several minutes, you could even see them pumping the water around.

    We are carnivores, noone but vegans has a right to be shocked.

  41. [re=325252]Prommie[/re]: Carnivores, yes, but gleefully devouring the heart of an animal in the name of making a political statement in favor of ripping the skin off something that’s still alive and leaving it to die in agony on the ice, all in the name of fashion… that’s something that we below the 49th like to call “fucked up.”

    As much as it pains me to say it, gonna have to side with the Eurotrash on this one.

  42. [re=325252]Prommie[/re]: You “carnivores” just keep on arguing for your limitations. Actually we are all humans, it ain’t based on what we eat – and we are the only earthlings with the capacity to actually be shocked. But hey, if you want to remain an animal, have at it. But just for the record, I could sever your cat’s carotid with one flick of a blade and have it bleed out before you could open your carnivorific cakehole – do I get a prize?

  43. You all just pay mexican immigrants to sever your cattles’ carotids and let them bleed out bellowing while they hang upside down from a hook. There is nowhere on earth where animals are gtently slaughtered to the sounds of woodwind instruments, except maybe your fantasy world, and this animal suffered no more nor less than any other.

    Naive shock at the barbarity of this horrible woman, while carefully maintaining your ignorance of the unbiquity of the barbarity committed in the name of your own dinner plates, must make for fine feelings of holier-than-thou-ness.

    Cats are fucking cruel and evil creatures, which torture their prey. I am not sentimental about animals.

    Sentimentality, by the way, is the cheapest and shallowest of the emotions, its sad to see grown ups who mistake it for moral outrage.

  44. [re=325266]Custerwolf[/re]: humans are also the only animals with the capacity to feel the degree of anguish and pain that you are projecting on the animal which, in the video, is clearly dead and has already been gutted, and also the only animal with the capacity to project its imagined feelings of how it would feel if it were being slaughtered onto other animals which have been slaughtered, but I digress.

    Everybody dies frustrated and sad, and that is beautiful. Everybody dies utterly and alone and terrified, and thats the way it is, oh well. Cheap outrage over the dead seal is just a way we can try to deny our own impending death.

    The seal’s death at the hand of the hunter certainly was no worse than it would have been if eaten by a polar bear. The natives lived in balance with nature, at least far more so than we, even as they ate still-beating hearts, while we eat our hot pockets and condemn them.

  45. I’m confused, why is Uhuru living in Canadiana and eating seal pup heart? I figured she be living in a Star Fleet retirement community, or maybe Florida?

  46. [re=325299]Prommie[/re]: Here’s my point. Just because you can carve a heart out of a seal and eat it in front of a crowd of people – doesn’t mean you should.
    I happen to agree with your claim of projection %100. And the reason we can project is because WE are capable of feeling those things. If we don’t – we’re either animals or we’re already dead.
    Cheap outrage? Fuck you.
    There is NO SUCH THING as a balance of nature. Talk about projection. Don’t fucking romanticize one group of lame human beings while lambasting another simply to justify your particular warped view.

  47. [re=325292]Prommie[/re]: Yes, we eat meat, and both we and the Eurofags have slaughterhouses and meat processing centers, complete with the smell. And yet Canada is still the only place where commercial sealing is legal, because they can’t even meet those standards of humane treatment.

    It’s not about the indigenous hunting and eating of seals, even the PETAtards are grudgingly accepting that, it’s the commercial pelt harvesting that leaves the dead and dying carcasses to rot. Even the slaughterhouses kill something before they render it, but the Newfies that harvest pelts are proud not to do even that much.

    I eat bacon for breakfast, but I’m also reasonably sure that the pig wasn’t alive and screaming when it was having its belly flayed off. This seal was dead, but the ones she was talking about usually aren’t, at least not for hours after the fact.

  48. [re=325328]Guppy06[/re]: Yes. Observing veterinarians have determined that aprox 40% are still alive when skinned. I have a problem calling someone who could do this hundreds of times over *human*.

  49. [re=325292]Prommie[/re]: “Sentimentality, by the way, is the cheapest and shallowest of the emotions, its sad to see grown ups who mistake it for moral outrage.”

    Really? I disagree. The cheapest and shallowest of “the emotions” (is there some sort of a list?) is smugness based on feigned detachment. You seem to me to be a very emotionally dishonest creature.

  50. [re=325354]assistant/atlas[/re]: Wiki says she fled to Haiti when she was 8. Where’d she flee FROM. Woman has cockasian in there somewhere.

  51. [re=325407]Custerwolf[/re]: Shit, if you’d actually outlined her real achievements in social activism, you might have won her some hearts. Human – not seal.

  52. WOW, I thought the last GG was cool.
    GG’s are appointed not elected, and there is nothing to pander for.
    No GG has ever run for anything after, YOU WERE THE QUEEN what are you gonna be?

    Did anybody see Anthony Bourdain eat raw seal on his show, he was all freaked out and
    the little girl (maybe 6-7) sitting with him is eating seal like cotton candy.

    Save the seals, save the ICE, park the SUV, close the coal fired plant, walk a little fat off your ass.

    And as for the Fur is bad people, tough…I am sure that an oil byproduct sewn by some child/slave, is the more moral winter garment.

  53. [re=324964]Custerwolf[/re]: I was just thinking that I wish this bitch would get those kinds of worms that grow into massive flesh-eating creatures in your intestine. This is wrong on so many levels–black, canuck, royal, raw baby meat.

    I thought lutefisk eating contests to win hearts and minds of voters in the old 32nd. District in Seattle was hard.

  54. [re=325024]President Beeblebrox[/re]: Who the fuck can’t tell the difference between Iceland and Canada? No wonder one went bankrupt on the back of a giant Ponzi scheme, or something, and the other clubs baby seals and rips them apart for fun and eats them while they’re still alive.

    Okay, admit it, losers: Oklahoma ain’t lookin’ so bad now, is it?

  55. [re=325599]spalding[/re]: Didn’t Stiller once tell you to shut the fuck up already?
    I won’t go into the arguments here – because you’re obviously both too dull and too stupid to get it. Suffice it to say, you’re an imbelcile, and if you weren’t you’d already know that and I wouldn’t have to waste time telling you.

  56. [re=325608]DustBowlBlues[/re]: “I thought lutefisk eating contests to win hearts and minds of voters in the old 32nd. District in Seattle was hard.”
    Did you move to OK from Ballard??????

  57. [re=325397]Canuck13652[/re]:
    As if.
    Can she drive a ‘snow machine’ while suckling her grand daughter the way SuperPalin can?
    Probably not.
    I may be in over my head here, but thats never stopped me before!
    Yes, we eat animals here in Florida, and even occasionally butcher and skin them ourselves.
    But we at least have the decency to kill them first, eh?

  58. Custerwolf

    Wow you are one angry vegetarian.

    Don’t worry you win…
    Nobody gives a crap about the Inu.
    People care even less about Newfies (they don’t even have guilt going for them),
    and without them who would dig for that beautiful tar sand.

    The GG made a small gesture for a dying people, they barely survived the 20th century,
    the 21st toast…

    I’m having veal chops tonight, but I am going home by subway so i’m O.K.

  59. [re=325735]spalding[/re]: “The GG made a small gesture for a dying people, they barely survived the 20th century,
    the 21st toast…”

    And while we’re at it, let’s raise a glass to the noble caveman, who’s mighty culture was trampled underfoot by a more upright and enlighted human being. Sad, ain’t it.
    Not in the least.

  60. [re=325918]Custerwolf[/re]: Maybe if Joe would quit talking to me while I’m trying to type I could spell worth a shit. God it’ll be nice when I’m no longer on the rag.
    Actually ‘enlighted’ is a nice little word, I think I’ll use it again sometime.

  61. custerwolf
    I don’t think Inu are cavemen, but they did have a fascinating “bone, tooth and skin”
    Culture. Have you ever seen a real kayak up close, bits of driftwood and sealskin.

    Parasitological what fun 6 credits in a misspent youth.

    You should check out Bourdain and the Seal eaters it is wacko culture shock and he is cooler than I remember. on you tube

    Oh, and its food booze and ciggs from the south that are killing them, 1000 years on the sugar free all protein diet has not prepared them for our crap.

    But you are right seal is not good for you, a top predator even from above the arctic circle is filled with metals and PCB’s. Now that is depressing.

  62. [re=325956]spalding[/re]: “its food booze and ciggs from the south that are killing them, 1000 years on the sugar free all protein diet has not prepared them for our crap.”
    I lived up north (AK) for close to six years and I’ve seen those people and what the things you mentioned have done to them. But you can’t hold back the tides of change. None of us can. My reference to cavemen was to make the point that I’m not into cultural preservation (which is NOT to say that I don’t admire and appreciate the beautiful things which came out of the Canadian aboriginal culture – I prefer them, in fact). However, anything you have to strive to maintain is not natural and it makes you mechanical and artificial. The Inuit culture arose organically, but it is also fading organically. Trying to hold onto it is an exercise in futility. The whole situation with the GG was completely artificial and a manipulation of perception. That’s what politicians do, I understand. That’s also why the majority of them are completely unenlightened assholes.

  63. To everyone who keeps harping about it being: ‘political’.
    Her later comments tying arctic sovereignty, funding for Aboriginal peoples, and northern development, going so far as to make reccomendations- were political.
    This was a show of solidarity, coming not-so-coincidentaly on the heels of a ban from the EU on Canadian seal products.
    And to the quite a few commentators who are syaing something along the lines of ‘she’s trying to be reelected- will play well in the maritimes, etc.’
    She isn’t elected, due to the crazy mess of a constitutional monarchy going on in Canuckistan.
    Her term as GG is up in a year, I believe, but the next appointment is up to the Pm of the day.
    Also, although I have never eaten raw seal, I have eaten raw caribou, which was actually quite delicious. I have no doubt that seal is equally good. ( I have eaten cooked seal- which is delicious)

  64. [re=326371]lesophster[/re]: I heard from a local that seal tastes better than your mother. I’m inclined to believe it without the benefit of a sample.

  65. “Inuit believe that there is only one nattiq. I am speaking about the seal that most Inuit call the ringed seal. We Inuit do not refer to other seals, such as the harp seal, harbour seal, or any other seal, as real seals.”
    Which places these people on the same rung of the ladder as christians and scientologists. Welcome to the 21st cenetury motherfuckers.

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