RUMORS ON THE INTERNETS  5:38 pm May 26, 2009

Roland Burris Releases Tape Of Blagojevich’s Brother Chatting Pleasantly With Sonia The Mexican

by Riley Waggaman

  • Legal “gossipeuse” Jeffrey Rosen has responded to all those conservatives who are now using his Sotomayor article as the anti-Sotomayor Bible, on teevee: “This willfully misreads both my piece and the follow-up response.” Who knew! [TNR/The Plank]
  • A new CNN poll hypothesizes that Colin Powell is more likable than Dick Cheney or Rush Limbaugh, which means Colin Powell is probably now popular enough to successfully run for student council. [CNN Political Ticker]
  • Larry Craig should be Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, but he isn’t, because the Gays don’t shriek and leap about and play the Ranchera on the White House lawn like the Mexicans do. [AMERICAblog]
  • A committee of ethical senators will be allowed to listen to a taped conversation between Rod Blagojevich’s brother and Rookie of the Year Senator Roland Burris, provided that 18 minutes of the tape is deleted beforehand, because that’s the only proper way to release a tape. [The Caucus]
  • Barack Obama has added Saudia Arabia to his upcoming trip to Yurp and Egypt because he’s always wanted to see Mexico in the summer. [FP/The Cable]
 
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{ 30 comments }

Custerwolf May 26, 2009 at 5:42 pm

Dear Riley, you look really cute in that hat.
P.S. Are you going steady with anyone?
XXXXXOOOOOO
Love Custerwolf.

DoctorCulturae May 26, 2009 at 5:44 pm

Right to work huh Riley? Our dear beloved overlord Ken is a powerful taskmaster. May the force be with you. Or maybe a cane to go with your tophat.

Mr Blifil May 26, 2009 at 5:44 pm

Busted your cherry already, huh Riley? I mean “Maria.”

SmutBoffin May 26, 2009 at 5:45 pm

The missing 18 minutes of the Blagojevich tape is Blago and Burris discussing their upcoming wife swapping weekend plans.

SayItWithWookies May 26, 2009 at 5:47 pm

Also, Roland. Like “the Headless Tommygunner” Roland.

Brendan M. May 26, 2009 at 5:48 pm

Is calling Roland Burris ‘Ronald’ a ‘Maria Sotomayor’ joke? If so, I don’t get it.

DoctorCulturae May 26, 2009 at 5:48 pm

[re=324894]DoctorCulturae[/re]: And btw, you can’t fool us. You’re really Sean Penn in his pre-Ridgemont High days.

Vulpes82 May 26, 2009 at 5:50 pm

The maiden voyage of the S.S. New Intern Meat. Godspeed, Riley, and good lucky. You’re gonna need it.

V572625694 May 26, 2009 at 5:50 pm

[re=324889]Custerwolf[/re]: My heart’s in the icehouse. How could you?

chascates May 26, 2009 at 5:51 pm

Does anyone ever get to see Ken Layne in person? I thought he just lived in his survivalist compound in la-la land and communicated via coded messages. Also, Newell is always good for a loan.

Zadig May 26, 2009 at 5:51 pm

Bullshit, everyone knows that the gays were being at least as drama queen-y as the Mexicans. The real reason is, could you imagine the shitstorm over a gay nominee? I can’t, and my imagination is pretty vigorous. I just know that at some point Hannity would kick down my door and throw bloody fetuses at my cat.

And welcome, Riley. You do know that you don’t have to dress up for the internets, right?

grevillea May 26, 2009 at 5:54 pm

I am a Botswanan-deafblind-gay whale. Where the fuck is my token Cabinet representative, fake librul Obummer?

cheeto_jeebus May 26, 2009 at 5:56 pm

“wants to see Mexico in the summer” is code for approve my latina or else mucho dolore

Custerwolf May 26, 2009 at 6:04 pm

[re=324907]V572625694[/re]: I was only toying with his affectations.

Internally valid May 26, 2009 at 6:10 pm

I lol’d at “Yurp” and I clicked two (2) of your clickies. Nice work, rook.

V572625694 May 26, 2009 at 6:17 pm

[re=324917]Custerwolf[/re]: I knew it all along. I’m just too needy. I needy more of those awful puns.

Cuthbert J Twillie May 26, 2009 at 6:25 pm

Ok…I may be a lil’ bit stoned, but that Larry Craig the Gay Mexican Justice thing was damn funny.

facehead May 26, 2009 at 6:58 pm

DW Riley, you’ll be fine. Just follow these rules:

1) Don’t ever anger Shortsshortsshorts.

2) Let Ken, not Jim, teach you proper anal.

3) Stay gold ponyboy.

Lionel Hutz Esq. May 26, 2009 at 7:06 pm

Once Obama completes the Hajj, then peace will truly be with us.

problemwithcaring May 26, 2009 at 7:10 pm

Your comically made-up name reminds of the comically made-up name, Ralph Wiggums….What?…Ohhh.

AKAM80TheWolf May 26, 2009 at 9:37 pm

[re=325005]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]:

If he drops a ‘j’ he’ll finish sooner.

hobospacejunkie May 26, 2009 at 10:57 pm

There was a chick named Riley on Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles. That is the only person, until now, that I ever remember being named Riley. And that person is a fictional character, I think. So you are a rare specimen, Mr. W. May you live long and prosper and stuff here. Now get to workin’ on that gossip column. I want dirt!

Bruno May 26, 2009 at 11:57 pm

I hope he knows not to dress up in a dishdasha when he goes to Saudi. Actually, he ought to. This will make the 2012 election ads all the more insane.

Michelle & girls, also cover your heards.

Bruno May 27, 2009 at 12:30 am

It would be nice if they replace the remaining 18 minutes with Salsa music, just like the kind I have to listen to when I am waiting for other participants to join a conference call.

Also, it would be great if they come up with a mystery name for someone on the tape like “Deep Throat”

Brendan M. May 27, 2009 at 1:07 am

[re=325114]hobospacejunkie[/re]: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Riley

[re=324904]Brendan M.[/re]: It appears to have slipped under the radar (with one not-so-notable exception), so no worries.

lawrenceofthedesert May 27, 2009 at 4:05 am

To paraphrase an old saying that used to be on the men’s room wall at the Old Town Ale House (home of important Wonkette artwork, Riley), “Teach a man to fish, and in a day he’s hungry; Waggaman to fish, and pretty soon civil rights are rearing their ugly heads.”

lazyb May 27, 2009 at 8:09 am

[re=325208]lawrenceofthedesert[/re]: Awww. The Old Town. A long, long time ago I spent many weeknights playing their wonderful pinball games. Nostalgia’s a bitch.
And nice job, Waggamuffin!

aeiou May 27, 2009 at 9:13 am

i want to fuck you less than the other one, but you did make me lol a bit

welcome aboard

Serious May 27, 2009 at 9:58 am

So this is that new intern everyone is talking about. hmmmmmmmmm

Serious May 27, 2009 at 9:58 am

[re=325228]aeiou[/re]: WEIRD.

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