EXCITING 'SUMMER NEWS'  1:38 pm May 26, 2009

Mike Huckabee Will Not Let This Dancing New York Movie Star Ruin His Country

by Jim Newell

Hooray for America’s first lady Supreme Court Justice and first Hispanic Supreme Court Justice and first overall Supreme Court Justice, Harriet Miers! No wait, Harriet Sotomayor. (Kathryn Jean Lopez?) Enjoy it while it lasts, Female Hispanics, because in three weeks she’ll be forced to resign once it’s revealed that she is actually Bill Ayers, and Obama will have to nominate George Whitington III instead. So, Sonia Sotomayor. What do we know about her? Mike Huckabee knows something! Her real name is “Maria.” Scoop!

Why does Mike Huckabee write Statements, and to whom are they sent? Because he’s our next president, and Ben Smith!

The appointment of Maria Sotomayor for the Supreme Court is the clearest indication yet that President Obama’s campaign promises to be a centrist and think in a bipartisan way were mere rhetoric. Sotomayor comes from the far left and will likely leave us with something akin to the “Extreme Court” that could mark a major shift. The notion that appellate court decisions are to be interpreted by the “feelings” of the judge is a direct affront of the basic premise of our judicial system that is supposed to apply the law without personal emotion. If she is confirmed, then we need to take the blindfold off Lady Justice.—

Silly Mike Huckabee, not all Puerto Ricans are named Maria, like in that movie. Maybe.

Huck comes out firing — at ‘Maria’ Sotomayor [Ben Smith]

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TJBeck May 26, 2009 at 1:42 pm

Doesn’t Huckabee remember what it’s like to have diabeetus? Show some empathy, (former) lard-ass!

kthxbai...also May 26, 2009 at 1:42 pm

Mike’s first name was originally “Sonic”

Mr Blifil May 26, 2009 at 1:42 pm

However, Huck is not above sampling her famous Chimichanga recipe.

Lascauxcaveman May 26, 2009 at 1:42 pm

Huck is just pissed because he and his empathy weren’t even considered.

wx insider May 26, 2009 at 1:43 pm

Not only will she be forced to resign, but she’ll be cleaning my kitchen. It’s a fuckin’ mess!

NoWireHangers May 26, 2009 at 1:44 pm

Huckabee went on to state that while Sotomayor may feel “pretty and witty and gay” at the news of her nomination, that Republicans were prepared “to rumble” and that should the Democrats agree to “blades”, so too would the Republicans agree to “blades”. Huckabee then snapped his fingers and jumped off the stage, breaking a hip.

problemwithcaring May 26, 2009 at 1:45 pm

I agree with Mike Huckabee. We need fewer fiery and emotional Latinas in film, not more.

Cape Clod May 26, 2009 at 1:46 pm

I bet she she uses her position on the SCOTUS to get Chino released.

chascates May 26, 2009 at 1:47 pm

Bet he didn’t call Scalia as ‘Fat Tony’ although I do.

Mr Blifil May 26, 2009 at 1:48 pm

[re=324470]NoWireHangers[/re]: You left out the rocket in his pocket.

ph7 May 26, 2009 at 1:48 pm

Immigrant goes to America,
Many hellos in America;
Nobody knows in America
Puerto Rico’s in America!

Mad Farmer Manifest May 26, 2009 at 1:50 pm

[re=324466]Mr Blifil[/re]: Dude, I don’t need that image in my head. Or were you actually talking about food?

ManchuCandidate May 26, 2009 at 1:50 pm

It was an “honest” mistake. Mike just has a hard time because Hispanics all look alike.

Noodle Salad May 26, 2009 at 1:51 pm

Huckabee’s press release author comes from the far right and will likely leave us with something akin to the “Extreme Typo” that could mark a major shift.

TGY May 26, 2009 at 1:51 pm

Well, I suppose Jim Huckabee is welcome to his opinion.

LittlePig May 26, 2009 at 1:53 pm

How DO you solve a problem like Maria?

Mark Sanford May 26, 2009 at 1:53 pm

“If she is confirmed, then we need to take the blindfold off Lady Justice”

ZOMG! Huckabee + Lady Justice striptease = sexytime!!!! Please confirm this hawt Latina right away!

iwillsavethispatient May 26, 2009 at 1:53 pm

[re=324483]ph7[/re]: Ha! How is the bench balanced on the Sharks v Jets issue?

magic titty May 26, 2009 at 1:54 pm

Huckabee’s the one with the phat ass, right?

hobospacejunkie May 26, 2009 at 1:56 pm

“Extreme Court!” ZOMG ZING!! Been waitin’ years to use that extreme putdown. Maria, whoever she is, will probably withdraw now due to extreme humiliation.

Shut up, fatass. Ain’t nobody but the most extreme dumbfuckbags voting for you & your pro-ignorance campaign.

Dramatist May 26, 2009 at 1:57 pm

Leave it to Newell to make a humorous allusion to Musical Theater.

Dramatist May 26, 2009 at 1:57 pm

[re=324496]LittlePig[/re]: Nunnery and/or waterboarding.

Larry McAwful May 26, 2009 at 1:57 pm

I bet Mike Huckabee would never mess up Jared Fogle’s name.

Internally valid May 26, 2009 at 1:58 pm

Sad. You’ve only got one blank to fill in on your “judicial nomination opposition Mad Libs” and you can’t get it right? At least it could have said “booger.”

qwerty42 May 26, 2009 at 1:59 pm

well, he assures us:
…Sotomayor comes from the far left …
so we get a commie!! I dunno, Trotskyite? Stalinist? Is she a Capitalist Roader? A left-deviationist? A Kronstadter? a Stakhanovite? Do we get to use all the old terms (what fun!). I mean, Huckabee wouldn’t just say that if he didn’t have good reason, right? I assume he has carefully analyzed her opinions and concluded (sadly) she is a hard-core red.

SayItWithWookies May 26, 2009 at 1:59 pm

We could solve this whole Maria/Sonia thing if only we could look at her birth certificate…

doxastic May 26, 2009 at 1:59 pm

[re=324470]NoWireHangers[/re]: Huck cannot abide anyone using gay feelings to interpret the constitution.

OReillysVibrator May 26, 2009 at 2:01 pm

“The notion that appellate court decisions are to be interpreted by the “feelings” of the judge is a direct affront of the basic premise of our judicial system that is supposed to apply the law without personal emotion.”

Hahaha way to quote one word in her sentence and pretend that provides context, Huckster. But thanks for teaching us that duping credulous dummies for money is easier than duping credulous dummies for votes.

mollymcgwire May 26, 2009 at 2:01 pm

Doesn’t Barry know that every public servant who hires a Pureto Riquena ends up in a humiliating forced resignation due to failure to pay nanny taxes?

Internally valid May 26, 2009 at 2:02 pm

[re=324505]hobospacejunkie[/re]: Well, you know, every puerto rican’s a lousy chicken.

Dramatist May 26, 2009 at 2:02 pm

I didn’t know that Sotomayor had previous appeared in film: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0089893/

El Pinche May 26, 2009 at 2:07 pm

Of course Jared would say this. …. I mean Mike. Oops, all formerly obese cockasians look the alike .

Dog Trombone May 26, 2009 at 2:09 pm

Once, I found Governor Huckabee’s simple folksiness amusing. Now I just find Governor Huckabee on the bottom of my shoe after a trip through the cow pasture (Oklahoma State legislature).

The Cold Sea May 26, 2009 at 2:09 pm

To Huckatard, all these Mexicans look alike.

Studge May 26, 2009 at 2:10 pm

[re=324479]chascates[/re]: How do you solve a problem like Scalia?

El Pinche May 26, 2009 at 2:12 pm

[re=324508]Larry McAwful[/re]: hahaha, i had the same idea. I didnt mean to MoDo you.

Hooray For Anything May 26, 2009 at 2:13 pm

[re=324499]iwillsavethispatient[/re]: I will eagerly await Sotomoyer’s hot, passionate secret affair with Alioto that ends with a knife fight between Ruth Bader Ginsberg and Scalia.

El Pinche May 26, 2009 at 2:13 pm

[re=324534]Studge[/re]: Concrete shoes and a nice hat for a windy lake day.

AllHat May 26, 2009 at 2:14 pm

[re=324496]LittlePig[/re]: wrong musical; but the answer is the same … hook up with the right guy; sing a lot.

thejesusandmarycheney May 26, 2009 at 2:17 pm

It’s my understanding Sotomayor fell in love in East L.A. to the sound of a guitar played by Carlos Santana. Is this the reckless attitude we want in a Justice?

El Pinche May 26, 2009 at 2:19 pm

Of course, Limpkidney’s has a say in this.
All it would take is a piece of medium rare steak lodged in that fat neck of his for 40 seconds. Please god.

Sussemilch May 26, 2009 at 2:20 pm

O-tay, Mr. Huckleberry.

snideinplainsight May 26, 2009 at 2:21 pm

I see now why they call her Natalie ‘Wood’ – heh, heh &etc.

Come here a minute May 26, 2009 at 2:23 pm

Officer Layne, you’re really a square;
Huck don’t need a judge, he needs an analyst’s care!
It’s just his neurosis that oughta be curbed.
He’s psychologic’ly disturbed!

wheelie May 26, 2009 at 2:31 pm

I like to Judge in America
Aggravate Drudge in America
Make socialist law in America
For left-wing bourgeois in America

Joehoya May 26, 2009 at 2:39 pm

“Extreme Court,” of course, was the sequel to the 1993 Lou Diamond Phillips flick, “Extreme Justice.”

norbizness May 26, 2009 at 2:40 pm

What Mark.. er.. Mitch Huckabee doesn’t know could almost half-fill one of the troughs his porcine sons eat out of.

RoscoePColtraine May 26, 2009 at 2:54 pm

However, if Mike Huckabee is well acquainted with the work of Bernstein/Sondheim, I’m at least a little impressed. If he’d confused her name with ‘Anita’ I would have plotzed.

sanantonerose May 26, 2009 at 2:59 pm

[re=324477]Cape Clod[/re]: Haha. I feel pretty.

Hooray For Anything May 26, 2009 at 3:02 pm

Maria . . .

The most socialist sound I ever heard:
Maria, Maria, Maria, Maria . . .
All the activist judges of the world in a single word . .
Maria, Maria, Maria, Maria . . .
Barack nominated Maria,
But, whatever, the court
Is still a short vote
For libs.
Don’t worry, there’s still Scalia,
And suddenly I’ve found
How stupid a sound
Can be!

sarcasticusername May 26, 2009 at 3:07 pm

he railed against her brother jose too, i think he’s a gardener or something.

Custerwolf May 26, 2009 at 3:07 pm

[re=324636]Hooray For Anything[/re]: Cool your Jets, Huck. also.

rikitikitavi May 26, 2009 at 3:09 pm

I just met a girl named Maria

bago May 26, 2009 at 3:23 pm

Gotta love the “Country First PAC” contextual ad to the left.

Accordion-o-rama May 26, 2009 at 3:24 pm

For Mike, “feelings” are the domain of science (since Creationism just feels right) while Justice should shun such irrational humanoid behavior (cyborgs for SCOTUS). He also wants to take the blindfold off lady Justice so as to replace it with a ball gag.

Custerwolf May 26, 2009 at 3:26 pm

[re=324623]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: I didn’t think inhaling lentil stew into my lungs could hurt this much.

Custerwolf May 26, 2009 at 3:34 pm

[re=324554]snideinplainsight[/re]: Interesting bit of trivia. Apparently Natalie disliked taking showers while onboard her boat. Seems she preferred to wash up on shore.
Hey, I’m already going to hell.

lawrenceofthedesert May 26, 2009 at 3:34 pm

Mike still calls sleeping car porters “George,” too, when not singing “There’s a Steak for Us, Somewhere a Steak For Us” with his adorable singing clan, The Huckabehemoths.

JSDC007 May 26, 2009 at 3:34 pm

Who is this Mike Huckabee person? Is he the same Mike Huckabee who lost to the Suckubus Sarah Palin?

pondscum May 26, 2009 at 3:41 pm

[re=324466]Mr Blifil[/re]: Are those made with squirrel?

RoscoePColtraine May 26, 2009 at 3:42 pm

[re=324689]Custerwolf[/re]: God Fucking Dammit, girl. That’s the funniest joke about drowning I’ve ever fucking heard. Seriously.

RoscoePColtraine May 26, 2009 at 3:43 pm

[re=324689]Custerwolf[/re]: Problem is, I don’t think I could ever tell it to anyone. I’d crack up before I got to the punchline.

charlesdegoal May 26, 2009 at 3:49 pm

Javier. Not Maria. The name she used when she was a high jumper back in the nineties.

proudgrampa May 26, 2009 at 4:02 pm

And what presidential election did George Dick Huckabee win?

What a ‘tard.

gjdodger May 26, 2009 at 4:23 pm

Huck, Huck, Stupid Huck
Shut up, Huck
You’re not marvy; you’re no Harvey
Shut the fuck up, Huck

Bruno May 26, 2009 at 4:38 pm

What’s wrong with a little spice in judicial decisions? I just want it Habenero spicy not that boring lame unspicy Jalepenio stuff.

Numbat Dundee May 26, 2009 at 6:07 pm

When you’re a judge
You’re a judge all the way
From your first abortion
To your last dying day

MrsNateSilver May 26, 2009 at 8:13 pm

[re=324470]NoWireHangers[/re]: You’re the bestest in the world. I’m averse to the “win” thing, as I am to the “lol” thing, so I’ll just keep it at that.

animalmagnetism May 26, 2009 at 8:29 pm

[re=324470]NoWireHangers[/re]: I am laughing so hard my sternum snapped back into place.

Mr Blifil May 27, 2009 at 12:12 am

[re=324470]NoWireHangers[/re]: +1

I have no shame.

Custerwolf May 27, 2009 at 12:25 am

[re=324470]NoWireHangers[/re]: Same here.

Nanks May 27, 2009 at 1:30 am

Brilliant satire from Open Salon. And sadly, the headline is all too believable.

Mike Huckabee: They’re All Named Maria, Right?

In what is sure to be a contentious battle over President Barack Obama’s nominee for the Supreme Court, former Governor Mike Huckabee fired the opening salvo from the Republican opposition… right into his foot.

In a statement attacking the President’s choice of Judge Sonia Sotomayor, Huckabee mistakenly referred to her as Maria Sotomayor.

From a high-school auditorium in downtown Little Rock, Huckabee sang his statement to a packed house that included his family, friends, and all his awkward Drama Club buddies who will be scattered to the four winds after graduation next week.

The audience was silent as Huckabee broke into his statement:

“The President’s choice of Maria Sotomayor is the clearest indication that the truce between the Democrats and Republicans is over and there is going to be a rumble tonight.

The GOP is going to have its day tonight.
We’re going to jazz it tonight! Tonight!
Obama began it, and we’re the ones to stop em once and for all!
The GOP are gonna have their way!
The GOP are gonna have their day!
We’re gonna rock it tonight.

After the production Huckabee was asked to comment on the error. Huckabee looked stunned, but recovered quickly and immediately responded to his mistake:

“I’m so sorry for any offense taken by Judge Sotomayor or her family. I just literally thought that they were all named Maria.

I obviously intended no disrespect to Anita Sotomayor, my mistake regarding her name was merely the result of a complete and utter lack of interest in a minority group for whom my only real understanding comes from a 1961 movie musical. But what a musical it was.

WEST SIDE STORY taught regular Americans that Mexicans are a proud group of immigrants who love knife fights and dancing.

And while I will not back down from my harsh criticism of a candidate that I am so opposed to, that I didn‘t even deem it necessary to learn her name, I would never dream of disparaging Anita Sotomayor‘s cultural identity by somehow implying that she is simply a generic stereotype in my mind. I have looked into Anita Sotomayor‘s eyes (on TV) and what I have seen staring back is a proud Mexican who loves dancing and knife fights and a gentle Italian man named Tony.

Te amo mi marron amigos. Viva Mexico! Viva America!”

102415 May 27, 2009 at 9:20 am

If she can bring peace between the Sharks and the Jets then I am all for Maria getting on the basketball court.BTW, how did Little Alito ever get let into the Jets?

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