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Mike Huckabee Will Not Let This Dancing New York Movie Star Ruin His Country

Hooray for America’s first lady Supreme Court Justice and first Hispanic Supreme Court Justice and first overall Supreme Court Justice, Harriet Miers! No wait, Harriet Sotomayor. (Kathryn Jean Lopez?) Enjoy it while it lasts, Female Hispanics, because in three weeks she’ll be forced to resign once it’s revealed that she is actually Bill Ayers, and Obama will have to nominate George Whitington III instead. So, Sonia Sotomayor. What do we know about her? Mike Huckabee knows something! Her real name is “Maria.” Scoop!

Why does Mike Huckabee write Statements, and to whom are they sent? Because he’s our next president, and Ben Smith!

The appointment of Maria Sotomayor for the Supreme Court is the clearest indication yet that President Obama’s campaign promises to be a centrist and think in a bipartisan way were mere rhetoric. Sotomayor comes from the far left and will likely leave us with something akin to the “Extreme Court” that could mark a major shift. The notion that appellate court decisions are to be interpreted by the “feelings” of the judge is a direct affront of the basic premise of our judicial system that is supposed to apply the law without personal emotion. If she is confirmed, then we need to take the blindfold off Lady Justice.—

Silly Mike Huckabee, not all Puerto Ricans are named Maria, like in that movie. Maybe.

Huck comes out firing — at ‘Maria’ Sotomayor [Ben Smith]

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell
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  1. TJBeck

    Doesn’t Huckabee remember what it’s like to have diabeetus? Show some empathy, (former) lard-ass!

  2. wx insider

    Not only will she be forced to resign, but she’ll be cleaning my kitchen. It’s a fuckin’ mess!

  3. NoWireHangers

    Huckabee went on to state that while Sotomayor may feel “pretty and witty and gay” at the news of her nomination, that Republicans were prepared “to rumble” and that should the Democrats agree to “blades”, so too would the Republicans agree to “blades”. Huckabee then snapped his fingers and jumped off the stage, breaking a hip.

  4. problemwithcaring

    I agree with Mike Huckabee. We need fewer fiery and emotional Latinas in film, not more.

  5. ph7

    Immigrant goes to America,
    Many hellos in America;
    Nobody knows in America
    Puerto Rico’s in America!

  6. Mad Farmer Manifest

    [re=324466]Mr Blifil[/re]: Dude, I don’t need that image in my head. Or were you actually talking about food?

  7. ManchuCandidate

    It was an “honest” mistake. Mike just has a hard time because Hispanics all look alike.

  8. Noodle Salad

    Huckabee’s press release author comes from the far right and will likely leave us with something akin to the “Extreme Typo” that could mark a major shift.

  9. Mark Sanford

    “If she is confirmed, then we need to take the blindfold off Lady Justice”

    ZOMG! Huckabee + Lady Justice striptease = sexytime!!!! Please confirm this hawt Latina right away!

  10. iwillsavethispatient

    [re=324483]ph7[/re]: Ha! How is the bench balanced on the Sharks v Jets issue?

  11. hobospacejunkie

    “Extreme Court!” ZOMG ZING!! Been waitin’ years to use that extreme putdown. Maria, whoever she is, will probably withdraw now due to extreme humiliation.

    Shut up, fatass. Ain’t nobody but the most extreme dumbfuckbags voting for you & your pro-ignorance campaign.

  12. Internally valid

    Sad. You’ve only got one blank to fill in on your “judicial nomination opposition Mad Libs” and you can’t get it right? At least it could have said “booger.”

  13. qwerty42

    well, he assures us:
    …Sotomayor comes from the far left …
    so we get a commie!! I dunno, Trotskyite? Stalinist? Is she a Capitalist Roader? A left-deviationist? A Kronstadter? a Stakhanovite? Do we get to use all the old terms (what fun!). I mean, Huckabee wouldn’t just say that if he didn’t have good reason, right? I assume he has carefully analyzed her opinions and concluded (sadly) she is a hard-core red.

  14. SayItWithWookies

    We could solve this whole Maria/Sonia thing if only we could look at her birth certificate…

  15. doxastic

    [re=324470]NoWireHangers[/re]: Huck cannot abide anyone using gay feelings to interpret the constitution.

  16. OReillysVibrator

    “The notion that appellate court decisions are to be interpreted by the “feelings” of the judge is a direct affront of the basic premise of our judicial system that is supposed to apply the law without personal emotion.”

    Hahaha way to quote one word in her sentence and pretend that provides context, Huckster. But thanks for teaching us that duping credulous dummies for money is easier than duping credulous dummies for votes.

  17. mollymcgwire

    Doesn’t Barry know that every public servant who hires a Pureto Riquena ends up in a humiliating forced resignation due to failure to pay nanny taxes?

  18. Internally valid

    [re=324505]hobospacejunkie[/re]: Well, you know, every puerto rican’s a lousy chicken.

  19. El Pinche

    Of course Jared would say this. …. I mean Mike. Oops, all formerly obese cockasians look the alike .

  20. Dog Trombone

    Once, I found Governor Huckabee’s simple folksiness amusing. Now I just find Governor Huckabee on the bottom of my shoe after a trip through the cow pasture (Oklahoma State legislature).

  21. El Pinche

    [re=324508]Larry McAwful[/re]: hahaha, i had the same idea. I didnt mean to MoDo you.

  22. Hooray For Anything

    [re=324499]iwillsavethispatient[/re]: I will eagerly await Sotomoyer’s hot, passionate secret affair with Alioto that ends with a knife fight between Ruth Bader Ginsberg and Scalia.

  23. AllHat

    [re=324496]LittlePig[/re]: wrong musical; but the answer is the same … hook up with the right guy; sing a lot.

  24. thejesusandmarycheney

    It’s my understanding Sotomayor fell in love in East L.A. to the sound of a guitar played by Carlos Santana. Is this the reckless attitude we want in a Justice?

  25. Come here a minute

    Officer Layne, you’re really a square;
    Huck don’t need a judge, he needs an analyst’s care!
    It’s just his neurosis that oughta be curbed.
    He’s psychologic’ly disturbed!

  26. wheelie

    I like to Judge in America
    Aggravate Drudge in America
    Make socialist law in America
    For left-wing bourgeois in America

  27. Joehoya

    “Extreme Court,” of course, was the sequel to the 1993 Lou Diamond Phillips flick, “Extreme Justice.”

  28. norbizness

    What Mark.. er.. Mitch Huckabee doesn’t know could almost half-fill one of the troughs his porcine sons eat out of.

  29. RoscoePColtraine

    However, if Mike Huckabee is well acquainted with the work of Bernstein/Sondheim, I’m at least a little impressed. If he’d confused her name with ‘Anita’ I would have plotzed.

  30. Hooray For Anything

    Maria . . .

    The most socialist sound I ever heard:
    Maria, Maria, Maria, Maria . . .
    All the activist judges of the world in a single word . .
    Maria, Maria, Maria, Maria . . .
    Barack nominated Maria,
    But, whatever, the court
    Is still a short vote
    For libs.
    Don’t worry, there’s still Scalia,
    And suddenly I’ve found
    How stupid a sound
    Can be!

  31. sarcasticusername

    he railed against her brother jose too, i think he’s a gardener or something.

  32. Accordion-o-rama

    For Mike, “feelings” are the domain of science (since Creationism just feels right) while Justice should shun such irrational humanoid behavior (cyborgs for SCOTUS). He also wants to take the blindfold off lady Justice so as to replace it with a ball gag.

  33. Custerwolf

    [re=324623]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: I didn’t think inhaling lentil stew into my lungs could hurt this much.

  34. Custerwolf

    [re=324554]snideinplainsight[/re]: Interesting bit of trivia. Apparently Natalie disliked taking showers while onboard her boat. Seems she preferred to wash up on shore.
    Hey, I’m already going to hell.

  35. lawrenceofthedesert

    Mike still calls sleeping car porters “George,” too, when not singing “There’s a Steak for Us, Somewhere a Steak For Us” with his adorable singing clan, The Huckabehemoths.

  36. JSDC007

    Who is this Mike Huckabee person? Is he the same Mike Huckabee who lost to the Suckubus Sarah Palin?

  37. RoscoePColtraine

    [re=324689]Custerwolf[/re]: God Fucking Dammit, girl. That’s the funniest joke about drowning I’ve ever fucking heard. Seriously.

  38. RoscoePColtraine

    [re=324689]Custerwolf[/re]: Problem is, I don’t think I could ever tell it to anyone. I’d crack up before I got to the punchline.

  39. charlesdegoal

    Javier. Not Maria. The name she used when she was a high jumper back in the nineties.

  40. gjdodger

    Huck, Huck, Stupid Huck
    Shut up, Huck
    You’re not marvy; you’re no Harvey
    Shut the fuck up, Huck

  41. Bruno

    What’s wrong with a little spice in judicial decisions? I just want it Habenero spicy not that boring lame unspicy Jalepenio stuff.

  42. Numbat Dundee

    When you’re a judge
    You’re a judge all the way
    From your first abortion
    To your last dying day

  43. MrsNateSilver

    [re=324470]NoWireHangers[/re]: You’re the bestest in the world. I’m averse to the “win” thing, as I am to the “lol” thing, so I’ll just keep it at that.

  44. animalmagnetism

    [re=324470]NoWireHangers[/re]: I am laughing so hard my sternum snapped back into place.

  45. Nanks

    Brilliant satire from Open Salon. And sadly, the headline is all too believable.

    Mike Huckabee: They’re All Named Maria, Right?

    In what is sure to be a contentious battle over President Barack Obama’s nominee for the Supreme Court, former Governor Mike Huckabee fired the opening salvo from the Republican opposition… right into his foot.

    In a statement attacking the President’s choice of Judge Sonia Sotomayor, Huckabee mistakenly referred to her as Maria Sotomayor.

    From a high-school auditorium in downtown Little Rock, Huckabee sang his statement to a packed house that included his family, friends, and all his awkward Drama Club buddies who will be scattered to the four winds after graduation next week.

    The audience was silent as Huckabee broke into his statement:

    “The President’s choice of Maria Sotomayor is the clearest indication that the truce between the Democrats and Republicans is over and there is going to be a rumble tonight.

    The GOP is going to have its day tonight.
    We’re going to jazz it tonight! Tonight!
    Obama began it, and we’re the ones to stop em once and for all!
    The GOP are gonna have their way!
    The GOP are gonna have their day!
    We’re gonna rock it tonight.

    After the production Huckabee was asked to comment on the error. Huckabee looked stunned, but recovered quickly and immediately responded to his mistake:

    “I’m so sorry for any offense taken by Judge Sotomayor or her family. I just literally thought that they were all named Maria.

    I obviously intended no disrespect to Anita Sotomayor, my mistake regarding her name was merely the result of a complete and utter lack of interest in a minority group for whom my only real understanding comes from a 1961 movie musical. But what a musical it was.

    WEST SIDE STORY taught regular Americans that Mexicans are a proud group of immigrants who love knife fights and dancing.

    And while I will not back down from my harsh criticism of a candidate that I am so opposed to, that I didn‘t even deem it necessary to learn her name, I would never dream of disparaging Anita Sotomayor‘s cultural identity by somehow implying that she is simply a generic stereotype in my mind. I have looked into Anita Sotomayor‘s eyes (on TV) and what I have seen staring back is a proud Mexican who loves dancing and knife fights and a gentle Italian man named Tony.

    Te amo mi marron amigos. Viva Mexico! Viva America!”

  46. 102415

    If she can bring peace between the Sharks and the Jets then I am all for Maria getting on the basketball court.BTW, how did Little Alito ever get let into the Jets?

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