we'll burn the new one too

Fiscally Disciplined Country Texas To Spend $11 Million In Obama Money Rebuilding Rick Perry’s House

Add to Flipboard Magazine.

The best thing to happen in all of Texas last year was when a few Democratic anarcho-syndicalists burned down Rick Perry’s governor’s mansion with a flaming bag of Barney Bush’s poop, maybe. But because the remaining outer shell of this hell castle is a Historical Texas outer shell — and Texas never cheaps out when it comes to honoring its proud history of slavery, violence, oil, and self-importance — the difficult, tedious renovation will cost TWENTY MILLION dollars. CONSIDERING THE COST, the Texas state legislature is now telling Perry that if he wants his dumb house, then $11 million of that sum will have to come out of the Obama Stimulus Package — the thing Perry pretended to hate so much that he vowed to secede over it in ~FY2011.

You know how many perfectly reasonable 3-BR/2.5-BA vinyl-with-a-brick-facade sadness pods could be built with $20 million? At least three!

AUSTIN, Texas – While Gov. Rick Perry is criticizing Washington bailouts, state lawmakers are planning to use $11 million in federal stimulus money to help rebuild the badly burned Texas Governor’s Mansion.

Approximately $10 million in state tax money will also be spent on a renovation, which is expected to cost about $20 million, officials said Thursday. A House-Senate committee agreed on the expenditures late Wednesday night.

The mansion was burned in an arson fire last summer. […]

Perry spokeswoman Allison Castle released a short, written statement late Thursday when asked about using stimulus money to renovate the mansion.

“We are continuing to work with lawmakers on the budget,” she said.

Someone call Nate Silver, because a crime against Math appears to have taken place: $11 million in Obama money to cover the state’s $10 million liability? (Well, the $10 million is approximate and they want to play it safe in the budget, pretty standard practice.) SCANDAL!

Anyway, just want all of you communists in New Englannde and Iowa and everywhere else to know that 10 million of your federal tax dollars will go towards renovating terrible Rick Perry’s slave plantation in Texas.

Stimulus funds to repair Texas Governor’s Mansion [AP]

Sponsored Intermission

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell


Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • Hooray For Anything

    The mansion the mansion the mansion is on fire
    We don’t need no stimulus money, let the motherfucker burn
    Burn motherfucker, burn!

  • assistant/atlas

    I was truly upset with pollsters when they discovered 25% of Texans wanted to secede…Because they didn’t poll Americans on if they wanted Texans to secede. I’m guessing it would’ve been an overwhelming majority.

  • Scarab

    Since most Americans will never visit that mansion, doesn’t using tax dollars to repair it amount to socialism?

  • SayItWithWookies

    So if he secedes we get half his house, right? Let’s just make sure it’s not the half where The Gimp lives. I don’t even wanna know what that guy’s gonna say when he starts talking.

  • queeraselvis v 2.0

    Holy shit. The governor has been living in a three-story, limestone home with a heated pool, an outdoor cabana and a guest house. The state is paying some $9,900-a-month in rent while the Governor’s Mansion undergoes renovations, records show.

    If Perry were really interested in fiscal restraint, he could’ve easily told the legislature to put him up in a 2BR duplex in East Austin.

  • OzoneTom

    I’m sure that the slaves will LOVE their lovingly refurbished quarters.

  • Mr Blifil

    Can’t some of that money go towards genetic research so we can identify the tiny dick gene and rid the world of micropenis politicians for the rest of eternity?

  • freakishlystrong

    I say re-build the fuckin’ thing with teabags. With teabaggers doing the labor.

  • Brendan M.

    But if Obama’s socialist Ameros are used to rebuild the governor’s mansion, won’t that turn it into a whorehouse? Or is that just if Rick Perry isn’t renominated?

  • SmutBoffin

    Wasn’t the mansion insured or anything? Or does the policy not cover “arson in retaliation for the governor being a needle-dicked cunt-hat”?

  • Fox n Fiends

    Perry’s breath smells like rectal polyps

  • HoboNutz

    Republicans will use this info for the 2010 elections…. “Obama’s porkulus bill went towards stupid shit like volcano monitoring and building Governor’s mansions”

  • Beau Radley

    Apparently the Republic of Texas couldn’t afford homeowner’s insurance?

  • The Cold Sea

    So, wait a minute. Perry is all we’re seceding ’cause we don’t want your stimulated welfare junkie aborted monies all over us and you just cold ruling us and shit and then wants to take 11 mil and repair Tara?

  • Nerdalicious

    Do you have any idea how many pacemakers the Dark Lord could have with 11 mill? Oh the Humanity!!!!!!!!!!!!
    Hey, here is the Renassaince Man of A Million Careers, Leonard Nimoy AKA Mr. Spock! This is from “Return Of The King”, I think someone won an Oscar!

  • x111e7thst

    [re=323283]Hooray For Anything[/re]: Do you still go to raves?,
    Do you think that Christ saves?

    Just asking.

  • buggers

    [re=323293]Mr Blifil[/re]: a brilliant idea!!!!

  • jetjaguar

    This news has given Sarah Palin an idea…

  • 19kevin8

    It may seem excessive, but there is some restraint: the Oregon DoJ only got $1.9 million for violence against women programs… can you imagine all the socialism that would have occurred if the feds gave them $11 mil?

  • slappypaddy

    burnin money left an right… the texas way…

  • Gopherit

    What are they going to do with the house when rick runs off with his mexican lover/poolboy?

  • magic titty

    Just turn it into a small Jesuit college and let all the students shoot each other dead. The end.

  • prophet1195

    …nor seemingly can they afford Beano.

  • problemwithcaring

    As long as my tax-dollars aren’t supporting dangerous terrorists in Guantanamo , I am fine.

  • freakishlystrong

    [re=323319]problemwithcaring[/re]: Yep, dangerous seccessionistas in Texas? meh….

  • Lascauxcaveman

    [re=323289]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: The rich hypocrites is the best hypocrites.

    Srsly. how does one spend 9,000/mo on a rental house?

  • Turd Way

    I don’t see the irony here. Texas just needed some “get off the ground” money and I’m sure they still plan to secede. The real irony will be when we bomb the shit out of the restored governor’s mansion and occupy independent Texas. It will be funny to see world leaders feign outrage over U.S. aggression against the oil-rich state of Texas. In truth, Texas’s change from a state to an occupied country would only increase American international prestige.

  • hobospacejunkie

    Unfuckingbelievable. This useless fuckbag of a governor may have a micropenis but apparently has the balls of a bull. A really stupid bull. And considering the mansion will be rebuilt by illegal Messicans, the stimulus $$ will only be stimulating the home of El Qa’eda — Mexico. Why does Rick Perry, who is totally NOT GAY, hate America?

    Oh, right. Teagaggers & shit. My bad.

  • Sussemilch

    I can’t wait until we jettison Texas. We’d have enough room to make five more Louisianas!

  • WadISay

    From each according to his ability, to each according to his need, huh Rick?

  • queeraselvis v 2.0

    [re=323322]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: Finding and keeping the right cabana boys can be an expensive proposition.

  • Texan Bulldoggette

    All snarking aside: I can’t think of a single thing Gov. GoodHair has accomplished & he’s been in office since W left…aside from making us even more of a laughingstock than west & east TX already make us.

    BTW: Today in the Austin paper, the chancellor of UT is like ‘ummm…handguns, liquor & being young & stupid aren’t the best combination’. We shall see how that goes…

  • magic titty

    [re=323349]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: So you’re saying Perry will be President in 2016?

  • bored with gravity

    When I was in Austin 2 weeks ago, I saw long lines of homeless-type peeps waiting for free meals. That eleventy million dollars could be put to better use, I suppose; but then Rick needs a roof over his helmut hair.

  • BlueStateLibtard

    Wait, what happened to that Texas independent spirit, what happened to the famed Texas self-reliance, of not relying on others, of taking responsibility for one’s self, of pulling oneself up by one’s bootstraps? Oh yellow wad of Texas, you are a cancer on the nation, please go away and die.

  • lawrenceofthedesert

    Let’s not throw the Willie Nelson out with the bath water, ditto for Kinky and the other good Texas musicians. Rick “The Refrigerator Hair” Perry and his rubber stamp lackeyslature know that it’s nearing time when even a Texas governor will have to sing the verse about “the final curtain” and “My Way” his meatwagon back to Paint Creek.

  • Lionel Hutz Esq.

    [re=323287]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Actually, we should make him sign a non-terminating lease, like we have with Cuba for Gitmo, and then after Texas secedes, we can move all terrorist to the mansion for safe keeping.

  • Lionel Hutz Esq.

    Watch out you might get what you’re after
    Cool baby strange but not a stranger
    I’m an ordinary guy
    Burning down the house

    Hold tight wait ’til the party’s over
    Hold tight we’re in for nasty weather
    There has got to be a way
    Burning down the house

    Here’s your ticket pack your bag; time for jumpin’ overboard
    Transportation is here
    Close enough but not too far, maybe you know where you are
    Fightin’ fire with fire

    All wet yeah you might need a raincoat
    Shakedown thieves walking in broad daylight
    Three hundred sixty five degrees
    Burning down the house

    It was once upon a place sometimes I listen to myself
    Gonna come in first place
    People on their way to work say baby what did you expect
    Gonna burst into flame

    My house S’out of the ordinary
    That’s right Don’t want to hurt nobody
    Some things sure can sweep me off my feet
    Burning down the house

    No visible means of support and you have not seen nothing yet
    Everything’s stuck together
    I don’t know what you expect staring into the TV set
    Fighting fire with fire

    Burning down the house

  • iwillsavethispatient

    What are you complaining about? This is a shovel-ready project! It provides jobs for local Texans with historic-building-restoration skills. This is exactly what Obama wanted.

  • Baseproduct

    [re=323289]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: Off Riverside and 35, at that.

  • Baseproduct

    [re=323366]bored with gravity[/re]: Those were students. Easy mistake to make.

  • liquiddaddy

    Oh, the havoc wrought by one man and a flaming bag of dog poop!

  • zhubajie

    “…its proud history of slavery, violence, oil, and self-importance….” You forgot commercial scalp-hunting!

  • zhubajie

    When the Cal. gov’s house in Sacramento caught fire, Reagan just went and lived in another house. (He did refuse the one with the address 666.)

    Zhu Bajie

  • zhubajie

    [re=323296]Brendan M.[/re]: I doubt Texas is anywhere near as enlightened enough to legalize whorehouses.

    Zhu Bajie

  • zhubajie

    [re=323324]Turd Way[/re]: It wouldn’t be the first time.

    Zhu Bajie

  • zhubajie

    [re=323409]lawrenceofthedesert[/re]: They can move to Arkansas.

    Zhu Bajie

  • peorgietirebiter

    As I recall, our state treasure was undergoing extensive renovations on the night it was torched. The site was being watched by one rent a cop, who apparently had been off-site for no long than a couple of minutes when the paint filled mansion went up in smoke. Since he wasn’t disciplined, I assume, he was working by KBR Halliburton, they had a million dollar no bid, no requirements, state security contract, and the guard was an illegal, making $6.75 an hour.
    The eyes of Texas is upon us.

  • Jukesgrrl

    Can it be made into a train?

  • assistant/atlas

    [re=323324]Turd Way[/re]: “In truth, Texas’s change from a state to an occupied country would only increase American international prestige.”

    Not to mention add about 20 points to the average IQ level of Congress. (Joe Barton, I’m looking at you)

  • assistant/atlas

    [re=323409]lawrenceofthedesert[/re]: I like Willie Nelson as much as next guy, but that’s what our asylum policy is for–to steal the best artists, musicians, scientists and intellectuals from fascist backwaters.

    Secede now, and we’ll throw in Oklahoma for free!

  • decora

    assistant/atlas: what makes you think Oklahoma would want to be part of Texas?

    You are guilty of the same stupidity of our leaders in the 60s, who thought Vietnam was ‘friends’ with China.

    To paraphrase a VC general, ‘We hate the goddamn Texans’.

  • Bearbloke

    Hopefully, they’ll rebuild it out of matchsticks, kindling and oily rags…