WE'LL BURN THE NEW ONE TOO  2:42 pm May 22, 2009

Fiscally Disciplined Country Texas To Spend $11 Million In Obama Money Rebuilding Rick Perry’s House

by Jim Newell

The best thing to happen in all of Texas last year was when a few Democratic anarcho-syndicalists burned down Rick Perry’s governor’s mansion with a flaming bag of Barney Bush’s poop, maybe. But because the remaining outer shell of this hell castle is a Historical Texas outer shell — and Texas never cheaps out when it comes to honoring its proud history of slavery, violence, oil, and self-importance — the difficult, tedious renovation will cost TWENTY MILLION dollars. CONSIDERING THE COST, the Texas state legislature is now telling Perry that if he wants his dumb house, then $11 million of that sum will have to come out of the Obama Stimulus Package — the thing Perry pretended to hate so much that he vowed to secede over it in ~FY2011.

You know how many perfectly reasonable 3-BR/2.5-BA vinyl-with-a-brick-facade sadness pods could be built with $20 million? At least three!

AUSTIN, Texas – While Gov. Rick Perry is criticizing Washington bailouts, state lawmakers are planning to use $11 million in federal stimulus money to help rebuild the badly burned Texas Governor’s Mansion.

Approximately $10 million in state tax money will also be spent on a renovation, which is expected to cost about $20 million, officials said Thursday. A House-Senate committee agreed on the expenditures late Wednesday night.

The mansion was burned in an arson fire last summer. [...]

Perry spokeswoman Allison Castle released a short, written statement late Thursday when asked about using stimulus money to renovate the mansion.

“We are continuing to work with lawmakers on the budget,” she said.

Someone call Nate Silver, because a crime against Math appears to have taken place: $11 million in Obama money to cover the state’s $10 million liability? (Well, the $10 million is approximate and they want to play it safe in the budget, pretty standard practice.) SCANDAL!

Anyway, just want all of you communists in New Englannde and Iowa and everywhere else to know that 10 million of your federal tax dollars will go towards renovating terrible Rick Perry’s slave plantation in Texas.

Stimulus funds to repair Texas Governor’s Mansion [AP]

Related video

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.


Hooray For Anything May 22, 2009 at 2:48 pm

The mansion the mansion the mansion is on fire
We don’t need no stimulus money, let the motherfucker burn
Burn motherfucker, burn!

assistant/atlas May 22, 2009 at 2:48 pm

I was truly upset with pollsters when they discovered 25% of Texans wanted to secede…Because they didn’t poll Americans on if they wanted Texans to secede. I’m guessing it would’ve been an overwhelming majority.

Scarab May 22, 2009 at 2:49 pm

Since most Americans will never visit that mansion, doesn’t using tax dollars to repair it amount to socialism?

SayItWithWookies May 22, 2009 at 2:49 pm

So if he secedes we get half his house, right? Let’s just make sure it’s not the half where The Gimp lives. I don’t even wanna know what that guy’s gonna say when he starts talking.

queeraselvis v 2.0 May 22, 2009 at 2:51 pm

Holy shit. The governor has been living in a three-story, limestone home with a heated pool, an outdoor cabana and a guest house. The state is paying some $9,900-a-month in rent while the Governor’s Mansion undergoes renovations, records show.

If Perry were really interested in fiscal restraint, he could’ve easily told the legislature to put him up in a 2BR duplex in East Austin.

OzoneTom May 22, 2009 at 2:51 pm

I’m sure that the slaves will LOVE their lovingly refurbished quarters.

Mr Blifil May 22, 2009 at 2:51 pm

Can’t some of that money go towards genetic research so we can identify the tiny dick gene and rid the world of micropenis politicians for the rest of eternity?

freakishlystrong May 22, 2009 at 2:52 pm

I say re-build the fuckin’ thing with teabags. With teabaggers doing the labor.

Brendan M. May 22, 2009 at 2:53 pm

But if Obama’s socialist Ameros are used to rebuild the governor’s mansion, won’t that turn it into a whorehouse? Or is that just if Rick Perry isn’t renominated?

SmutBoffin May 22, 2009 at 2:55 pm

Wasn’t the mansion insured or anything? Or does the policy not cover “arson in retaliation for the governor being a needle-dicked cunt-hat”?

Fox n Fiends May 22, 2009 at 2:55 pm

Perry’s breath smells like rectal polyps

HoboNutz May 22, 2009 at 2:56 pm

Republicans will use this info for the 2010 elections…. “Obama’s porkulus bill went towards stupid shit like volcano monitoring and building Governor’s mansions”

Beau Radley May 22, 2009 at 2:58 pm

Apparently the Republic of Texas couldn’t afford homeowner’s insurance?

The Cold Sea May 22, 2009 at 3:00 pm

So, wait a minute. Perry is all we’re seceding ’cause we don’t want your stimulated welfare junkie aborted monies all over us and you just cold ruling us and shit and then wants to take 11 mil and repair Tara?

Nerdalicious May 22, 2009 at 3:03 pm

Do you have any idea how many pacemakers the Dark Lord could have with 11 mill? Oh the Humanity!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hey, here is the Renassaince Man of A Million Careers, Leonard Nimoy AKA Mr. Spock! This is from “Return Of The King”, I think someone won an Oscar!

x111e7thst May 22, 2009 at 3:04 pm

[re=323283]Hooray For Anything[/re]: Do you still go to raves?,
Do you think that Christ saves?

Just asking.

buggers May 22, 2009 at 3:04 pm

[re=323293]Mr Blifil[/re]: a brilliant idea!!!!

jetjaguar May 22, 2009 at 3:05 pm

This news has given Sarah Palin an idea…

19kevin8 May 22, 2009 at 3:07 pm

It may seem excessive, but there is some restraint: the Oregon DoJ only got $1.9 million for violence against women programs… can you imagine all the socialism that would have occurred if the feds gave them $11 mil?

slappypaddy May 22, 2009 at 3:07 pm

burnin money left an right… the texas way…

Gopherit May 22, 2009 at 3:07 pm

What are they going to do with the house when rick runs off with his mexican lover/poolboy?

magic titty May 22, 2009 at 3:07 pm

Just turn it into a small Jesuit college and let all the students shoot each other dead. The end.

prophet1195 May 22, 2009 at 3:08 pm

…nor seemingly can they afford Beano.

problemwithcaring May 22, 2009 at 3:09 pm

As long as my tax-dollars aren’t supporting dangerous terrorists in Guantanamo , I am fine.

freakishlystrong May 22, 2009 at 3:13 pm

[re=323319]problemwithcaring[/re]: Yep, dangerous seccessionistas in Texas? meh….

Lascauxcaveman May 22, 2009 at 3:13 pm

[re=323289]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: The rich hypocrites is the best hypocrites.

Srsly. how does one spend 9,000/mo on a rental house?

Turd Way May 22, 2009 at 3:15 pm

I don’t see the irony here. Texas just needed some “get off the ground” money and I’m sure they still plan to secede. The real irony will be when we bomb the shit out of the restored governor’s mansion and occupy independent Texas. It will be funny to see world leaders feign outrage over U.S. aggression against the oil-rich state of Texas. In truth, Texas’s change from a state to an occupied country would only increase American international prestige.

hobospacejunkie May 22, 2009 at 3:16 pm

Unfuckingbelievable. This useless fuckbag of a governor may have a micropenis but apparently has the balls of a bull. A really stupid bull. And considering the mansion will be rebuilt by illegal Messicans, the stimulus $$ will only be stimulating the home of El Qa’eda — Mexico. Why does Rick Perry, who is totally NOT GAY, hate America?

Oh, right. Teagaggers & shit. My bad.

Sussemilch May 22, 2009 at 3:18 pm

I can’t wait until we jettison Texas. We’d have enough room to make five more Louisianas!

WadISay May 22, 2009 at 3:20 pm

From each according to his ability, to each according to his need, huh Rick?

queeraselvis v 2.0 May 22, 2009 at 3:22 pm

[re=323322]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: Finding and keeping the right cabana boys can be an expensive proposition.

Texan Bulldoggette May 22, 2009 at 3:36 pm

All snarking aside: I can’t think of a single thing Gov. GoodHair has accomplished & he’s been in office since W left…aside from making us even more of a laughingstock than west & east TX already make us.

BTW: Today in the Austin paper, the chancellor of UT is like ‘ummm…handguns, liquor & being young & stupid aren’t the best combination’. We shall see how that goes…

magic titty May 22, 2009 at 3:46 pm

[re=323349]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: So you’re saying Perry will be President in 2016?

bored with gravity May 22, 2009 at 3:48 pm

When I was in Austin 2 weeks ago, I saw long lines of homeless-type peeps waiting for free meals. That eleventy million dollars could be put to better use, I suppose; but then Rick needs a roof over his helmut hair.

BlueStateLibtard May 22, 2009 at 4:07 pm

Wait, what happened to that Texas independent spirit, what happened to the famed Texas self-reliance, of not relying on others, of taking responsibility for one’s self, of pulling oneself up by one’s bootstraps? Oh yellow wad of Texas, you are a cancer on the nation, please go away and die.

lawrenceofthedesert May 22, 2009 at 4:33 pm

Let’s not throw the Willie Nelson out with the bath water, ditto for Kinky and the other good Texas musicians. Rick “The Refrigerator Hair” Perry and his rubber stamp lackeyslature know that it’s nearing time when even a Texas governor will have to sing the verse about “the final curtain” and “My Way” his meatwagon back to Paint Creek.

Lionel Hutz Esq. May 22, 2009 at 5:11 pm

[re=323287]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Actually, we should make him sign a non-terminating lease, like we have with Cuba for Gitmo, and then after Texas secedes, we can move all terrorist to the mansion for safe keeping.

Lionel Hutz Esq. May 22, 2009 at 5:20 pm

Watch out you might get what you’re after
Cool baby strange but not a stranger
I’m an ordinary guy
Burning down the house

Hold tight wait ’til the party’s over
Hold tight we’re in for nasty weather
There has got to be a way
Burning down the house

Here’s your ticket pack your bag; time for jumpin’ overboard
Transportation is here
Close enough but not too far, maybe you know where you are
Fightin’ fire with fire

All wet yeah you might need a raincoat
Shakedown thieves walking in broad daylight
Three hundred sixty five degrees
Burning down the house

It was once upon a place sometimes I listen to myself
Gonna come in first place
People on their way to work say baby what did you expect
Gonna burst into flame

My house S’out of the ordinary
That’s right Don’t want to hurt nobody
Some things sure can sweep me off my feet
Burning down the house

No visible means of support and you have not seen nothing yet
Everything’s stuck together
I don’t know what you expect staring into the TV set
Fighting fire with fire

Burning down the house

iwillsavethispatient May 22, 2009 at 5:49 pm

What are you complaining about? This is a shovel-ready project! It provides jobs for local Texans with historic-building-restoration skills. This is exactly what Obama wanted.

Baseproduct May 22, 2009 at 5:50 pm

[re=323289]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: Off Riverside and 35, at that.

Baseproduct May 22, 2009 at 5:53 pm

[re=323366]bored with gravity[/re]: Those were students. Easy mistake to make.

liquiddaddy May 22, 2009 at 6:16 pm

Oh, the havoc wrought by one man and a flaming bag of dog poop!

zhubajie May 22, 2009 at 7:04 pm

“…its proud history of slavery, violence, oil, and self-importance….” You forgot commercial scalp-hunting!

zhubajie May 22, 2009 at 7:06 pm

When the Cal. gov’s house in Sacramento caught fire, Reagan just went and lived in another house. (He did refuse the one with the address 666.)

Zhu Bajie

zhubajie May 22, 2009 at 7:09 pm

[re=323296]Brendan M.[/re]: I doubt Texas is anywhere near as enlightened enough to legalize whorehouses.

Zhu Bajie

zhubajie May 22, 2009 at 7:10 pm

[re=323324]Turd Way[/re]: It wouldn’t be the first time.

Zhu Bajie

zhubajie May 22, 2009 at 7:12 pm

[re=323409]lawrenceofthedesert[/re]: They can move to Arkansas.

Zhu Bajie

peorgietirebiter May 22, 2009 at 7:14 pm

As I recall, our state treasure was undergoing extensive renovations on the night it was torched. The site was being watched by one rent a cop, who apparently had been off-site for no long than a couple of minutes when the paint filled mansion went up in smoke. Since he wasn’t disciplined, I assume, he was working by KBR Halliburton, they had a million dollar no bid, no requirements, state security contract, and the guard was an illegal, making $6.75 an hour.
The eyes of Texas is upon us.

Jukesgrrl May 23, 2009 at 12:18 am

Can it be made into a train?

assistant/atlas May 23, 2009 at 12:25 am

[re=323324]Turd Way[/re]: “In truth, Texas’s change from a state to an occupied country would only increase American international prestige.”

Not to mention add about 20 points to the average IQ level of Congress. (Joe Barton, I’m looking at you)

assistant/atlas May 23, 2009 at 12:28 am

[re=323409]lawrenceofthedesert[/re]: I like Willie Nelson as much as next guy, but that’s what our asylum policy is for–to steal the best artists, musicians, scientists and intellectuals from fascist backwaters.

Secede now, and we’ll throw in Oklahoma for free!

decora May 23, 2009 at 1:53 pm

assistant/atlas: what makes you think Oklahoma would want to be part of Texas?

You are guilty of the same stupidity of our leaders in the 60s, who thought Vietnam was ‘friends’ with China.

To paraphrase a VC general, ‘We hate the goddamn Texans’.

Bearbloke May 23, 2009 at 2:06 pm

Hopefully, they’ll rebuild it out of matchsticks, kindling and oily rags…

Comments on this entry are closed.

Previous post:

Next post: