The so-called media elites in this godforsaken country got it all wrong yesterday, playing up that “Beltway Rumble” between Barack Obama and Dick Cheney. They should’ve been paying attention to the day’s most important speech from OH WE DON’T KNOW maybe the current President of the United States, George Bush Junior? He’s alive! And while his former intern Dick Cheney was cackling about death and carnage and sadism in Washington, Bush was cold talkin’ dog shit with a bunch of high school kids in the alien concentration camp of Roswell, New Mexico.

If you’re wondering what the sam hill George Bush was doing in New Mexico, mouthing off to a cadre of alien teenagers, it’s an old enough story and one you’re familiar with: Big Oil made him do it.

Bush was invited to speak at a ceremony for Artesia High School seniors receiving scholarships from the Chase Foundation. The foundation was started by Mack Chase, who made his fortune in the oil industry, and has pledged $4.5 million in scholarships to more than 350 Artesia High School graduates since 2007.

Bush told the soon-to-be-graduates that it was a strange experience walking his dog Barney in his new neighborhood after he moved back to Texas.


It was the first time Barney had ever been in an ordinary neighborhood, and Bush had to stop when the dog took liberties with a neighbor’s yard.

“And there I was, former President of the United States of America, with a plastic bag on my hand,” he recalled. “Life is returning back to normal.”

HEY-O! Now let’s not kid ourselves, we all know that George W. Bush has an actual cotton slave to pick up his dog’s shit. But it’s a good story anyway, and the kiddies loved it.

Artesia High School students said they were excited to have the former president at the ceremony.

Abby Calderon said she was one of the first to find out the former president would be speaking, since she shares a hairdresser with the Chase family.

“I was like, ‘Aw, that’s sweet,'” she said.


Bush speaks at AHS Chase scholarship ceremony [Roswell Daily Record]

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  • iwillsavethispatient

    What is like ‘Aw, that’s sweet,’. I’m assuming it’s those exact words, but with a few F-bombs dropped in. Maybe even a C-bomb, if she’s feeling fruity.

  • queeraselvis v 2.0

    Did he pick up Barney’s deposit with the copy of the Constitution that Cheney loaned him?

  • CaliforniaMike

    What’s up with that book? That ain’t “My Pet Goat.” You mean ol’ Dubya read ANOTHER book? The man is a god.

  • NoWireHangers

    W gave a speech about poop yesterday? I figured he was just blowing spit bubbles on his front porch.

  • jodyleek

    [re=323070]CaliforniaMike[/re]: That is “The Very Hungry Caterpillar” by Eric Carle, a wonderful children’s book.

    I must now go home and burn my copy of it.

  • CockedAle

    We are all Barneys now.

  • queeraselvis v 2.0
  • FMA

    You people. Can’t you see? He’s keeping us safe from being buried under a huge steaming pile of dog shit.


    Wait a minute.

    Never mind.

  • magic titty

    And now we’re all forced to pick up his shit.

    try the veal.

  • Tra

    Probably “sweet” in the “cool” sense. Still hear that occasionally.

    It’s not. But poor Abby won’t find that out until she tries to get a part-time job to save for college, which are currently all taken by financially devastated, sobbing grown men and women.

  • Sussemilch

    They let the Pretzeldent play with a plastic bag? Dammit man be more careful, we’d hate for the poor guy to suffocate himself.

  • Bruno

    [re=323073]jodyleek[/re]: I especially like the pre-drilled holes in the Very Hungry Caterpiller. I wonder if Bush put his finger in them?

  • nappyduggs

    “And there I was, former President of the United States of America, with a plastic bag on my hand and it didn’t have any yayo in it or nothin!” Let the idiot finish his thought next time. Fancy fuggin’ editing.

  • Scarab

    A bit off topic but, do you think Dick and Liz Cheney use a ‘safe’ word? Because you know they must REALLY be into the whole scene.

  • jodyleek

    [re=323071]NoWireHangers[/re]: Is “Spit Bubbles” the name of his pet goat?

  • Advocatus_Diaboli

    Well, at least dubya now knows how Barry feels.


  • Bruno

    [re=323073]jodyleek[/re]: The photo also captures the moment Bush says the very hungry catepillar turned into a “Beautiful Butterfly” you can just see him reading the teleprompted words.

  • Turd Way

    I thought he was reading “Everyone Poops” and telling the kiddies that even Presidents poop. Although for her own part, Condoleeza Rice denies it.

  • MrsNateSilver

    [re=323071]NoWireHangers[/re]: I haven’t done spit bubbles in ages. Can I still do it? Hold on…yup. Fun!

  • Crab1

    When has W ever made a messy situation better? When he was trying to clean up the dog shit he probably smeared on the porches of the 3 nearest houses. When he was done he turned a few turds into a raging river of shit. That’s my Bush!

  • SayItWithWookies

    Shit looks different when you actually have to clean it up yourself instead of just fly over it and look out the window, doesn’t it Georgie boy?

  • magic titty

    [re=323082]Sussemilch[/re]: Suffocate? CO2 is harmless. Stop believing the LIES of the MSM, bro.

  • freakishlystrong

    [re=323078]magic titty[/re]: And all that shit aint’ gonna fit in no fuckin’ plastic bag nohow…

  • sevenrepeat

    well, it must be nice to return to a normal life. the normal life he subjected us to for the past 8 years of rising gas prices and unemployment. Aw, that’s sweet.

  • jodyleek

    [re=323083]Bruno[/re]: I am surprised he got past the holes to reach the climax. Okay, that sounds dirty…

  • LittlePig

    “Lawd-a mercy, Massuh Bush, what you feedin’ this dog? Wicker chairs?”

  • sevenrepeat

    [re=323078]magic titty[/re]: if the plastic bag doesn’t fit, we must acquit.

  • Turd Way

    George Bush just breezed through the corridors of power in a surreal tidal wave of failure that he could not understand, but now that he scoops dog poop it all seems like a fantastic dreamscape hallucination, isn’t life weird and wonderful when you’re touched by destiny like George W. Bush?

    I wish he were bitter like Cheney, only maybe not on T.V.

  • Custerwolf

    [re=323082]Sussemilch[/re]: “we’d hate for the poor guy to suffocate himself.”
    My concern was more for the endangered feces.

  • shortsshortsshorts

    Tea Party fail

    [re=323091]Turd Way[/re]: Enough about poop, what do you really think of poop?

  • Georgia Burning

    Cheney’s comments are at least a two-bagger

  • proudgrampa

    [re=323113]Custerwolf[/re]: This is why I love you.

  • x111e7thst

    Shit -it is said- will find its proper level. G.B. Jr has.

  • Mr Blifil

    Give him time. Eventually the plastic bag will be over his head.

  • Turd Way

    [re=323114]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: I fancy myself a bit of an authority on the (fecal) matter. Ironically, the very fact that I don’t poop, due to the preternatural efficiency of my digestive tract, accounts for my obsession. I immerse myself in the (subject) matter.

    Just kidding, my moniker is supposed to be a pun on “Third Way” politics.

  • gjdodger

    I guess it’s a new experience having shit on his hands instead of blood.

  • Monsieur Grumpe

    Can you imagine having W as your neighbor? It puts the phrase “There goes the neighborhood” in a whole new dimension. I’d buy a golf club just so I could hit dog turds at his house.

  • Mr Blifil

    [re=323128]Mr Blifil[/re]: Thread perusal FAIL

  • lawrenceofthedesert

    Any Republican who names his dog after Congressman Frank should be fitted with an ankle monitor. It’s a cry for help.

  • Custerwolf

    [re=323130]Turd Way[/re]: So you were shitting us?

  • Custerwolf

    [re=323122]proudgrampa[/re]: Right back atcha.

  • davesnothere

    Turd Way: He’s telling them he poops butterflies. The kid on his right is expressing skepticism, or maybe imagining that it stinks anyway.

  • CthuNHu

    In a nice bit of symmetry, at the AEI yesterday a steaming pile of shit told people who failed high school history about George W. Bush.

  • Custerwolf

    I actually thought he was holding an ‘Iron Butterfly’ album cover, reciting the lyrics to Inagaddadavida.

  • OzoneTom

    [re=323211]Custerwolf[/re]: If it were the lenticular Iron Butterfly CD cover he would have sat there entranced by the flapping wings until his minders came by to collect him.

    The bored kids would have long wandered off to watch paint dry somewhere.

  • assistant/atlas

    Jim Newell, are you some fancy-pants easterner or something? Because it’s not “what the sam hill” … it’s “what in sam hill” although “what in the sam hill” is acceptable….yes, yes I realize that that is even less gramatically correct. But that’s not the point, Jim, that’s not the point. I’m not sure what the point is, exactly, but still.

  • Custerwolf

    [re=323264]OzoneTom[/re]: I love the visual…

  • DC Hates Me

    I envision a Kubrick-esque scene of primative George picking up dog crap and tossing it into space, set to Copland’s Fanfare for the Common Man.

  • CaliforniaMike

    [re=323073]jodyleek[/re]: That’s actually hilarious. That’s his “other” book, the one he has been reading to children for 10 years. In fact, it’s aimed at very young children, and he was reading it once to fifth graders (who found it — and him babyish and boring).

    Even a dullard would have memorized that book by now, so I’ve got to figure Our Dubya would lose a battle of wits with that kid from “Life Goes On.”

  • Suds McKenzie

    did he stair blankly into space for 6 minutes when they told him the cafeteria was out of meatloaf?

  • chasefamily

    Ok first off, I am part of the Chase Family which Bush came to ARTESIA, NM (NOT Roswell)to honor my family for everything we have done for our community and the State of New Mexico. The whole “alien concentration camp” is a load of crap. And another thing, we aren’t Big Oil. We’re a family business that has started from nothing and made something of ourselves in 2 generations.

    And the Cotton Slave comment was uncalled for. He’s from Texas not the deep south.

    You’ve taken an amazing gesture and destroyed it by looking for something when there wasn’t anything to look for.

  • Custerwolf

    [re=323547]chasefamily[/re]: Hi Chase. Guess the fuck what? I don’t give a good goddamn who the fuck you are. Part of the Chase Family indeed. In that case, I have an amazing gesture for you.

  • Bruno

    I think he should start reading Meghan McCain’s book in these sessions. I mean who cares about a pet goat or a butterfly. I want to hear about sexy hanoi hilton tourture

  • pfft..nah

    Actually, I think ‘Aww, that’s sweet’ is something you might say when you see a retarded child picking daisies. Which pretty much sums up George.

  • hobospacejunkie

    [re=323547]chasefamily[/re]: The whole “alien concentration camp” is a load of crap.

    What? Are you shittin’ me? There isn’t an alien concentration camp? Well, goddamn. Learn something new every day.

    Also, what Custerwolf said. Go fuck yourself chasefamily fuckbag.

  • lbg

    wth you people are dumb. in fact it was in a sense of cool that i said thats sweet you moron. it ws freakin sweet to meet him. and actually i will not be havin to work to save up for college thanks to the chase family. stop tryin to be cool and get a life. and dont be mad that you didnt get an awesome oppurtunity like i did.

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