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The so-called media elites in this godforsaken country got it all wrong yesterday, playing up that “Beltway Rumble” between Barack Obama and Dick Cheney. They should’ve been paying attention to the day’s most important speech from OH WE DON’T KNOW maybe the current President of the United States, George Bush Junior? He’s alive! And while his former intern Dick Cheney was cackling about death and carnage and sadism in Washington, Bush was cold talkin’ dog shit with a bunch of high school kids in the alien concentration camp of Roswell, New Mexico.

If you’re wondering what the sam hill George Bush was doing in New Mexico, mouthing off to a cadre of alien teenagers, it’s an old enough story and one you’re familiar with: Big Oil made him do it.

Bush was invited to speak at a ceremony for Artesia High School seniors receiving scholarships from the Chase Foundation. The foundation was started by Mack Chase, who made his fortune in the oil industry, and has pledged $4.5 million in scholarships to more than 350 Artesia High School graduates since 2007.

Bush told the soon-to-be-graduates that it was a strange experience walking his dog Barney in his new neighborhood after he moved back to Texas.

[…]

It was the first time Barney had ever been in an ordinary neighborhood, and Bush had to stop when the dog took liberties with a neighbor’s yard.

“And there I was, former President of the United States of America, with a plastic bag on my hand,” he recalled. “Life is returning back to normal.”

HEY-O! Now let’s not kid ourselves, we all know that George W. Bush has an actual cotton slave to pick up his dog’s shit. But it’s a good story anyway, and the kiddies loved it.

Artesia High School students said they were excited to have the former president at the ceremony.

Abby Calderon said she was one of the first to find out the former president would be speaking, since she shares a hairdresser with the Chase family.

“I was like, ‘Aw, that’s sweet,'” she said.

??

Bush speaks at AHS Chase scholarship ceremony [Roswell Daily Record]

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56 COMMENTS

  1. [re=323070]CaliforniaMike[/re]: That is “The Very Hungry Caterpillar” by Eric Carle, a wonderful children’s book.

    I must now go home and burn my copy of it.

  2. You people. Can’t you see? He’s keeping us safe from being buried under a huge steaming pile of dog shit.

    Oh.

    Wait a minute.

    Never mind.

  3. Probably “sweet” in the “cool” sense. Still hear that occasionally.

    It’s not. But poor Abby won’t find that out until she tries to get a part-time job to save for college, which are currently all taken by financially devastated, sobbing grown men and women.

  4. [re=323073]jodyleek[/re]: I especially like the pre-drilled holes in the Very Hungry Caterpiller. I wonder if Bush put his finger in them?

  5. “And there I was, former President of the United States of America, with a plastic bag on my hand and it didn’t have any yayo in it or nothin!” Let the idiot finish his thought next time. Fancy fuggin’ editing.

  6. [re=323073]jodyleek[/re]: The photo also captures the moment Bush says the very hungry catepillar turned into a “Beautiful Butterfly” you can just see him reading the teleprompted words.

  7. I thought he was reading “Everyone Poops” and telling the kiddies that even Presidents poop. Although for her own part, Condoleeza Rice denies it.

  8. When has W ever made a messy situation better? When he was trying to clean up the dog shit he probably smeared on the porches of the 3 nearest houses. When he was done he turned a few turds into a raging river of shit. That’s my Bush!

  9. Shit looks different when you actually have to clean it up yourself instead of just fly over it and look out the window, doesn’t it Georgie boy?

  10. well, it must be nice to return to a normal life. the normal life he subjected us to for the past 8 years of rising gas prices and unemployment. Aw, that’s sweet.

  11. George Bush just breezed through the corridors of power in a surreal tidal wave of failure that he could not understand, but now that he scoops dog poop it all seems like a fantastic dreamscape hallucination, isn’t life weird and wonderful when you’re touched by destiny like George W. Bush?

    I wish he were bitter like Cheney, only maybe not on T.V.

  12. [re=323082]Sussemilch[/re]: “we’d hate for the poor guy to suffocate himself.”
    My concern was more for the endangered feces.

  13. [re=323114]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: I fancy myself a bit of an authority on the (fecal) matter. Ironically, the very fact that I don’t poop, due to the preternatural efficiency of my digestive tract, accounts for my obsession. I immerse myself in the (subject) matter.

    Just kidding, my moniker is supposed to be a pun on “Third Way” politics.

  14. Can you imagine having W as your neighbor? It puts the phrase “There goes the neighborhood” in a whole new dimension. I’d buy a golf club just so I could hit dog turds at his house.

  15. Any Republican who names his dog after Congressman Frank should be fitted with an ankle monitor. It’s a cry for help.

  16. Turd Way: He’s telling them he poops butterflies. The kid on his right is expressing skepticism, or maybe imagining that it stinks anyway.

  17. In a nice bit of symmetry, at the AEI yesterday a steaming pile of shit told people who failed high school history about George W. Bush.

  18. [re=323211]Custerwolf[/re]: If it were the lenticular Iron Butterfly CD cover he would have sat there entranced by the flapping wings until his minders came by to collect him.

    The bored kids would have long wandered off to watch paint dry somewhere.

  19. Jim Newell, are you some fancy-pants easterner or something? Because it’s not “what the sam hill” … it’s “what in sam hill” although “what in the sam hill” is acceptable….yes, yes I realize that that is even less gramatically correct. But that’s not the point, Jim, that’s not the point. I’m not sure what the point is, exactly, but still.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sam_Hill_(euphemism)

  20. I envision a Kubrick-esque scene of primative George picking up dog crap and tossing it into space, set to Copland’s Fanfare for the Common Man.

  21. [re=323073]jodyleek[/re]: That’s actually hilarious. That’s his “other” book, the one he has been reading to children for 10 years. In fact, it’s aimed at very young children, and he was reading it once to fifth graders (who found it — and him babyish and boring).

    Even a dullard would have memorized that book by now, so I’ve got to figure Our Dubya would lose a battle of wits with that kid from “Life Goes On.”

  22. Ok first off, I am part of the Chase Family which Bush came to ARTESIA, NM (NOT Roswell)to honor my family for everything we have done for our community and the State of New Mexico. The whole “alien concentration camp” is a load of crap. And another thing, we aren’t Big Oil. We’re a family business that has started from nothing and made something of ourselves in 2 generations.

    And the Cotton Slave comment was uncalled for. He’s from Texas not the deep south.

    You’ve taken an amazing gesture and destroyed it by looking for something when there wasn’t anything to look for.

  23. I think he should start reading Meghan McCain’s book in these sessions. I mean who cares about a pet goat or a butterfly. I want to hear about sexy hanoi hilton tourture

  24. Actually, I think ‘Aww, that’s sweet’ is something you might say when you see a retarded child picking daisies. Which pretty much sums up George.

  25. [re=323547]chasefamily[/re]: The whole “alien concentration camp” is a load of crap.

    What? Are you shittin’ me? There isn’t an alien concentration camp? Well, goddamn. Learn something new every day.

    Also, what Custerwolf said. Go fuck yourself chasefamily fuckbag.

  26. wth you people are dumb. in fact it was in a sense of cool that i said thats sweet you moron. it ws freakin sweet to meet him. and actually i will not be havin to work to save up for college thanks to the chase family. stop tryin to be cool and get a life. and dont be mad that you didnt get an awesome oppurtunity like i did.

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