Meanwhile In New Mexico, George W. Bush Tells High School Kids About Poop

by Jim Newell

The so-called media elites in this godforsaken country got it all wrong yesterday, playing up that “Beltway Rumble” between Barack Obama and Dick Cheney. They should’ve been paying attention to the day’s most important speech from OH WE DON’T KNOW maybe the current President of the United States, George Bush Junior? He’s alive! And while his former intern Dick Cheney was cackling about death and carnage and sadism in Washington, Bush was cold talkin’ dog shit with a bunch of high school kids in the alien concentration camp of Roswell, New Mexico.

If you’re wondering what the sam hill George Bush was doing in New Mexico, mouthing off to a cadre of alien teenagers, it’s an old enough story and one you’re familiar with: Big Oil made him do it.

Bush was invited to speak at a ceremony for Artesia High School seniors receiving scholarships from the Chase Foundation. The foundation was started by Mack Chase, who made his fortune in the oil industry, and has pledged $4.5 million in scholarships to more than 350 Artesia High School graduates since 2007.

Bush told the soon-to-be-graduates that it was a strange experience walking his dog Barney in his new neighborhood after he moved back to Texas.


It was the first time Barney had ever been in an ordinary neighborhood, and Bush had to stop when the dog took liberties with a neighbor’s yard.

“And there I was, former President of the United States of America, with a plastic bag on my hand,” he recalled. “Life is returning back to normal.”

HEY-O! Now let’s not kid ourselves, we all know that George W. Bush has an actual cotton slave to pick up his dog’s shit. But it’s a good story anyway, and the kiddies loved it.

Artesia High School students said they were excited to have the former president at the ceremony.

Abby Calderon said she was one of the first to find out the former president would be speaking, since she shares a hairdresser with the Chase family.

“I was like, ‘Aw, that’s sweet,’” she said.


Bush speaks at AHS Chase scholarship ceremony [Roswell Daily Record]

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iwillsavethispatient May 22, 2009 at 12:42 pm

What is like ‘Aw, that’s sweet,’. I’m assuming it’s those exact words, but with a few F-bombs dropped in. Maybe even a C-bomb, if she’s feeling fruity.

queeraselvis v 2.0 May 22, 2009 at 12:42 pm

Did he pick up Barney’s deposit with the copy of the Constitution that Cheney loaned him?

CaliforniaMike May 22, 2009 at 12:43 pm

What’s up with that book? That ain’t “My Pet Goat.” You mean ol’ Dubya read ANOTHER book? The man is a god.

NoWireHangers May 22, 2009 at 12:45 pm

W gave a speech about poop yesterday? I figured he was just blowing spit bubbles on his front porch.

jodyleek May 22, 2009 at 12:46 pm

[re=323070]CaliforniaMike[/re]: That is “The Very Hungry Caterpillar” by Eric Carle, a wonderful children’s book.

I must now go home and burn my copy of it.

CockedAle May 22, 2009 at 12:46 pm

We are all Barneys now.

queeraselvis v 2.0 May 22, 2009 at 12:46 pm

[re=323070]CaliforniaMike[/re]: Judging from the kid’s expression to W’s right, it’s probably The Gas We Pass.

FMA May 22, 2009 at 12:47 pm

You people. Can’t you see? He’s keeping us safe from being buried under a huge steaming pile of dog shit.


Wait a minute.

Never mind.

magic titty May 22, 2009 at 12:47 pm

And now we’re all forced to pick up his shit.

try the veal.

Tra May 22, 2009 at 12:48 pm

Probably “sweet” in the “cool” sense. Still hear that occasionally.

It’s not. But poor Abby won’t find that out until she tries to get a part-time job to save for college, which are currently all taken by financially devastated, sobbing grown men and women.

Sussemilch May 22, 2009 at 12:48 pm

They let the Pretzeldent play with a plastic bag? Dammit man be more careful, we’d hate for the poor guy to suffocate himself.

Bruno May 22, 2009 at 12:49 pm

[re=323073]jodyleek[/re]: I especially like the pre-drilled holes in the Very Hungry Caterpiller. I wonder if Bush put his finger in them?

nappyduggs May 22, 2009 at 12:49 pm

“And there I was, former President of the United States of America, with a plastic bag on my hand and it didn’t have any yayo in it or nothin!” Let the idiot finish his thought next time. Fancy fuggin’ editing.

Scarab May 22, 2009 at 12:50 pm

A bit off topic but, do you think Dick and Liz Cheney use a ‘safe’ word? Because you know they must REALLY be into the whole scene.

jodyleek May 22, 2009 at 12:51 pm

[re=323071]NoWireHangers[/re]: Is “Spit Bubbles” the name of his pet goat?

Advocatus_Diaboli May 22, 2009 at 12:52 pm

Well, at least dubya now knows how Barry feels.


Bruno May 22, 2009 at 12:52 pm

[re=323073]jodyleek[/re]: The photo also captures the moment Bush says the very hungry catepillar turned into a “Beautiful Butterfly” you can just see him reading the teleprompted words.

Turd Way May 22, 2009 at 12:52 pm

I thought he was reading “Everyone Poops” and telling the kiddies that even Presidents poop. Although for her own part, Condoleeza Rice denies it.

MrsNateSilver May 22, 2009 at 12:52 pm

[re=323071]NoWireHangers[/re]: I haven’t done spit bubbles in ages. Can I still do it? Hold on…yup. Fun!

Crab1 May 22, 2009 at 12:55 pm

When has W ever made a messy situation better? When he was trying to clean up the dog shit he probably smeared on the porches of the 3 nearest houses. When he was done he turned a few turds into a raging river of shit. That’s my Bush!

SayItWithWookies May 22, 2009 at 12:56 pm

Shit looks different when you actually have to clean it up yourself instead of just fly over it and look out the window, doesn’t it Georgie boy?

magic titty May 22, 2009 at 12:56 pm

[re=323082]Sussemilch[/re]: Suffocate? CO2 is harmless. Stop believing the LIES of the MSM, bro.

freakishlystrong May 22, 2009 at 12:58 pm

[re=323078]magic titty[/re]: And all that shit aint’ gonna fit in no fuckin’ plastic bag nohow…

sevenrepeat May 22, 2009 at 12:58 pm

well, it must be nice to return to a normal life. the normal life he subjected us to for the past 8 years of rising gas prices and unemployment. Aw, that’s sweet.

jodyleek May 22, 2009 at 12:59 pm

[re=323083]Bruno[/re]: I am surprised he got past the holes to reach the climax. Okay, that sounds dirty…

LittlePig May 22, 2009 at 12:59 pm

“Lawd-a mercy, Massuh Bush, what you feedin’ this dog? Wicker chairs?”

sevenrepeat May 22, 2009 at 1:01 pm

[re=323078]magic titty[/re]: if the plastic bag doesn’t fit, we must acquit.

Turd Way May 22, 2009 at 1:02 pm

George Bush just breezed through the corridors of power in a surreal tidal wave of failure that he could not understand, but now that he scoops dog poop it all seems like a fantastic dreamscape hallucination, isn’t life weird and wonderful when you’re touched by destiny like George W. Bush?

I wish he were bitter like Cheney, only maybe not on T.V.

Custerwolf May 22, 2009 at 1:04 pm

[re=323082]Sussemilch[/re]: “we’d hate for the poor guy to suffocate himself.”
My concern was more for the endangered feces.

shortsshortsshorts May 22, 2009 at 1:05 pm

Tea Party fail

[re=323091]Turd Way[/re]: Enough about poop, what do you really think of poop?

Georgia Burning May 22, 2009 at 1:08 pm

Cheney’s comments are at least a two-bagger

proudgrampa May 22, 2009 at 1:11 pm

[re=323113]Custerwolf[/re]: This is why I love you.

x111e7thst May 22, 2009 at 1:17 pm

Shit -it is said- will find its proper level. G.B. Jr has.

Mr Blifil May 22, 2009 at 1:17 pm

Give him time. Eventually the plastic bag will be over his head.

Turd Way May 22, 2009 at 1:19 pm

[re=323114]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: I fancy myself a bit of an authority on the (fecal) matter. Ironically, the very fact that I don’t poop, due to the preternatural efficiency of my digestive tract, accounts for my obsession. I immerse myself in the (subject) matter.

Just kidding, my moniker is supposed to be a pun on “Third Way” politics.

gjdodger May 22, 2009 at 1:20 pm

I guess it’s a new experience having shit on his hands instead of blood.

Monsieur Grumpe May 22, 2009 at 1:26 pm

Can you imagine having W as your neighbor? It puts the phrase “There goes the neighborhood” in a whole new dimension. I’d buy a golf club just so I could hit dog turds at his house.

Mr Blifil May 22, 2009 at 1:26 pm

[re=323128]Mr Blifil[/re]: Thread perusal FAIL

lawrenceofthedesert May 22, 2009 at 1:31 pm

Any Republican who names his dog after Congressman Frank should be fitted with an ankle monitor. It’s a cry for help.

Custerwolf May 22, 2009 at 1:41 pm

[re=323130]Turd Way[/re]: So you were shitting us?

Custerwolf May 22, 2009 at 1:42 pm

[re=323122]proudgrampa[/re]: Right back atcha.

davesnothere May 22, 2009 at 1:43 pm

Turd Way: He’s telling them he poops butterflies. The kid on his right is expressing skepticism, or maybe imagining that it stinks anyway.

CthuNHu May 22, 2009 at 2:01 pm

In a nice bit of symmetry, at the AEI yesterday a steaming pile of shit told people who failed high school history about George W. Bush.

Custerwolf May 22, 2009 at 2:01 pm

I actually thought he was holding an ‘Iron Butterfly’ album cover, reciting the lyrics to Inagaddadavida.

OzoneTom May 22, 2009 at 2:37 pm

[re=323211]Custerwolf[/re]: If it were the lenticular Iron Butterfly CD cover he would have sat there entranced by the flapping wings until his minders came by to collect him.

The bored kids would have long wandered off to watch paint dry somewhere.

assistant/atlas May 22, 2009 at 2:58 pm

Jim Newell, are you some fancy-pants easterner or something? Because it’s not “what the sam hill” … it’s “what in sam hill” although “what in the sam hill” is acceptable….yes, yes I realize that that is even less gramatically correct. But that’s not the point, Jim, that’s not the point. I’m not sure what the point is, exactly, but still.

Custerwolf May 22, 2009 at 3:27 pm

[re=323264]OzoneTom[/re]: I love the visual…

DC Hates Me May 22, 2009 at 3:37 pm

I envision a Kubrick-esque scene of primative George picking up dog crap and tossing it into space, set to Copland’s Fanfare for the Common Man.

CaliforniaMike May 22, 2009 at 4:06 pm

[re=323073]jodyleek[/re]: That’s actually hilarious. That’s his “other” book, the one he has been reading to children for 10 years. In fact, it’s aimed at very young children, and he was reading it once to fifth graders (who found it — and him babyish and boring).

Even a dullard would have memorized that book by now, so I’ve got to figure Our Dubya would lose a battle of wits with that kid from “Life Goes On.”

Suds McKenzie May 22, 2009 at 4:54 pm

did he stair blankly into space for 6 minutes when they told him the cafeteria was out of meatloaf?

chasefamily May 22, 2009 at 6:08 pm

Ok first off, I am part of the Chase Family which Bush came to ARTESIA, NM (NOT Roswell)to honor my family for everything we have done for our community and the State of New Mexico. The whole “alien concentration camp” is a load of crap. And another thing, we aren’t Big Oil. We’re a family business that has started from nothing and made something of ourselves in 2 generations.

And the Cotton Slave comment was uncalled for. He’s from Texas not the deep south.

You’ve taken an amazing gesture and destroyed it by looking for something when there wasn’t anything to look for.

Custerwolf May 22, 2009 at 6:58 pm

[re=323547]chasefamily[/re]: Hi Chase. Guess the fuck what? I don’t give a good goddamn who the fuck you are. Part of the Chase Family indeed. In that case, I have an amazing gesture for you.

Bruno May 22, 2009 at 8:16 pm

I think he should start reading Meghan McCain’s book in these sessions. I mean who cares about a pet goat or a butterfly. I want to hear about sexy hanoi hilton tourture

pfft..nah May 23, 2009 at 1:17 am

Actually, I think ‘Aww, that’s sweet’ is something you might say when you see a retarded child picking daisies. Which pretty much sums up George.

hobospacejunkie May 23, 2009 at 2:53 am

[re=323547]chasefamily[/re]: The whole “alien concentration camp” is a load of crap.

What? Are you shittin’ me? There isn’t an alien concentration camp? Well, goddamn. Learn something new every day.

Also, what Custerwolf said. Go fuck yourself chasefamily fuckbag.

lbg June 4, 2009 at 5:14 pm

wth you people are dumb. in fact it was in a sense of cool that i said thats sweet you moron. it ws freakin sweet to meet him. and actually i will not be havin to work to save up for college thanks to the chase family. stop tryin to be cool and get a life. and dont be mad that you didnt get an awesome oppurtunity like i did.

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