By the Comics Curmudgeon
Most people think that bunnies are cute and fuzzy and cuddly and lovable (like beloved Wonkette commenter Naked Bunny With A Whip). Most people are wrong. Within the heart of your run-of-the-mill, carrot-munching rabbit lies a monstrous carnivore that wants nothing more than to tear off your flesh with its razor-sharp incisors and then trample your bones with its unusually large feet. This week in Cartoon Violence, you’ll learn the truth about the rabbits, aka “nature’s terrorists,” and also about nuclear AIDS.
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Say, how about that Afghanistan? Kind of a rough neighborhood, right? And then there’s Pakistan, which is no walk in the park either, what with the corruption and the collapsing government and the insurgency and the what have you. If you combined them — not literally, that tends to make folks mad, but metaphorically — what kind of animal would they be? Why, an enormous death-bunny, of course! This bloated, long-eared menace would emerge angrily from a magician’s hat/the mountainous Afghan-Pakistani border region, chewing through Uncle Sam’s outstretched arm (made up of equal parts diplomatic aid and remote-controlled flying killer robots) like so much delicious roughage.
It looks like the U.S. needs another, more magical tactic! Most experts agree that if cheap, rabbit-themed stage magic can’t help us, there’s only one force that can: angels! Since most Americans are morons who believe that winged, awe-inspiring quasi-divine beings have nothing better to do than watch over them when they buy industrial-size pallets of Cheetos at the Wal-Mart or whatever, this move could be politically popular. There’s just one problem: the liberals on the Supreme Court have said it’s illegal to pray for angel-powered help! But the clever Obama administration will get around that rule by wooing angelic assistance the American way: with cold, hard cash — or, more specifically, with checks backed by the rapidly expanding US debt.
Our bribed angel better get to work fast, though! Somewhere, a turbaned Taliban nogoodnik is trying to bust a move on a sexy lady in car parked in the most romantic spot in the Federally Administered Tribal Areas. Oh, sure, it just looks like he’s bored and trying to stretch his arm out a bit, but he’s really trying to cop a feel on Ms. Pakistan’s tits! Her enormous, nuclear-powered tits. Do these crazed terrorists have no shame?
Maybe they don’t have shame, but do you know what else they don’t have? Smarts about sexytime! That’s because most of them were raised in a deranged religious dictatorship (i.e., Texas) whose education system refuses to talk about sex. After getting to second base with Miss Atomo-Boobs there, our terrorist found himself afflicted with … this, whatever this is. It’s labeled “Iran Nukes” and “Containing the Virus” so I guess it’s, like, radioactive gonorrhea? Or maybe some kind of disgusting anal or genital pustule caused by radioactive gonorrhea? Whatever it is, it’s gross and uncomfortable, and has disabled our sinister enemy for good, almost as if it were inflicted by an … angel of some sort.
Having defeated terrorism forever through stealth and cleverness and bribery, President Obama deserved some chill time back in his man-cave! Here you can see him relaxing with a cigarette and enjoying the many trophies he’s won — for abortions! Yes, known abortion enthusiast Barack Obama has gotten a lot of abortion awards over the years, for keeping them legal, and for performing them in great quantities and with the care and verve that only a true aficionado of fetus-murdering could pull off. Not that he’s resting on his laurels, though! Right now he’s boning up on the latest in abortion literature, just in case one of the ladies in his administration gets knocked up and he has to perform an abortion in the middle of a cabinet meeting.
For his next trick, he’ll pull a rabbit out of a hat! This rabbit will then disembowel him with its murderous teeth, twitch its little pink nose adorably, and leap into the screaming crowd, maiming and trampling everywhere it goes.
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