CARTOON VIOLENCE  10:58 am May 22, 2009

Cartoon Violence vs. the Terrifying Mutant Bunnies

by Josh Fruhlinger

Cartoon Violence!By the Comics Curmudgeon
Most people think that bunnies are cute and fuzzy and cuddly and lovable (like beloved Wonkette commenter Naked Bunny With A Whip). Most people are wrong. Within the heart of your run-of-the-mill, carrot-munching rabbit lies a monstrous carnivore that wants nothing more than to tear off your flesh with its razor-sharp incisors and then trample your bones with its unusually large feet. This week in Cartoon Violence, you’ll learn the truth about the rabbits, aka “nature’s terrorists,” and also about nuclear AIDS.

Click the comics to make them larger!

Say, how about that Afghanistan? Kind of a rough neighborhood, right? And then there’s Pakistan, which is no walk in the park either, what with the corruption and the collapsing government and the insurgency and the what have you. If you combined them — not literally, that tends to make folks mad, but metaphorically — what kind of animal would they be? Why, an enormous death-bunny, of course! This bloated, long-eared menace would emerge angrily from a magician’s hat/the mountainous Afghan-Pakistani border region, chewing through Uncle Sam’s outstretched arm (made up of equal parts diplomatic aid and remote-controlled flying killer robots) like so much delicious roughage.

It looks like the U.S. needs another, more magical tactic! Most experts agree that if cheap, rabbit-themed stage magic can’t help us, there’s only one force that can: angels! Since most Americans are morons who believe that winged, awe-inspiring quasi-divine beings have nothing better to do than watch over them when they buy industrial-size pallets of Cheetos at the Wal-Mart or whatever, this move could be politically popular. There’s just one problem: the liberals on the Supreme Court have said it’s illegal to pray for angel-powered help! But the clever Obama administration will get around that rule by wooing angelic assistance the American way: with cold, hard cash — or, more specifically, with checks backed by the rapidly expanding US debt.

Our bribed angel better get to work fast, though! Somewhere, a turbaned Taliban nogoodnik is trying to bust a move on a sexy lady in car parked in the most romantic spot in the Federally Administered Tribal Areas. Oh, sure, it just looks like he’s bored and trying to stretch his arm out a bit, but he’s really trying to cop a feel on Ms. Pakistan’s tits! Her enormous, nuclear-powered tits. Do these crazed terrorists have no shame?

Maybe they don’t have shame, but do you know what else they don’t have? Smarts about sexytime! That’s because most of them were raised in a deranged religious dictatorship (i.e., Texas) whose education system refuses to talk about sex. After getting to second base with Miss Atomo-Boobs there, our terrorist found himself afflicted with … this, whatever this is. It’s labeled “Iran Nukes” and “Containing the Virus” so I guess it’s, like, radioactive gonorrhea? Or maybe some kind of disgusting anal or genital pustule caused by radioactive gonorrhea? Whatever it is, it’s gross and uncomfortable, and has disabled our sinister enemy for good, almost as if it were inflicted by an … angel of some sort.

Having defeated terrorism forever through stealth and cleverness and bribery, President Obama deserved some chill time back in his man-cave! Here you can see him relaxing with a cigarette and enjoying the many trophies he’s won — for abortions! Yes, known abortion enthusiast Barack Obama has gotten a lot of abortion awards over the years, for keeping them legal, and for performing them in great quantities and with the care and verve that only a true aficionado of fetus-murdering could pull off. Not that he’s resting on his laurels, though! Right now he’s boning up on the latest in abortion literature, just in case one of the ladies in his administration gets knocked up and he has to perform an abortion in the middle of a cabinet meeting.

For his next trick, he’ll pull a rabbit out of a hat! This rabbit will then disembowel him with its murderous teeth, twitch its little pink nose adorably, and leap into the screaming crowd, maiming and trampling everywhere it goes.

Unrelated Twitter update! Faithful Wonkette readers, do you enjoy this column? Do you use the Twitter? You can follow your Comics Curmudgeon on the Twitter at jfruh. DO IT! DO IT NOW!

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 39 comments }

Advocatus_Diaboli May 22, 2009 at 11:04 am

Two Glen McNutBag cartoons in one week? You’d better take a long shower, Josh.

hpwilliams May 22, 2009 at 11:05 am

Ha Ha Big fucking rabbits.

queeraselvis v 2.0 May 22, 2009 at 11:09 am

Between Mike Ramirez and Glenn McCoy, there is much epic fail to be had.

Monsieur Grumpe May 22, 2009 at 11:12 am

I have seen the Death Bunny. He hangs out in my garden.

Darthhippy May 22, 2009 at 11:16 am

It must be Buuuuuuuniessss!

Judas Peckerwood May 22, 2009 at 11:16 am

Thanks — now I’m going to be having viral nuclear death-bunny abortion nightmares for the next week.

freakishlystrong May 22, 2009 at 11:23 am

Josh-Hilarious
Cartoons-Coulterish

Bruno May 22, 2009 at 11:23 am

If that Pakistani chick gave the Taliban dude a big Hummer, maybe he’d chill out a bit and stop the insanity.

Mr Blifil May 22, 2009 at 11:24 am

Where’s my fucking abortion trophy? I have been the progenitor of many a fine abortion, and ATTENTION MUST BE PAID!!11!

Bruno May 22, 2009 at 11:26 am

I think that’s some zygote fetus (I mean BABY) that needs a morning after pill?

Bruno May 22, 2009 at 11:27 am

When will these cartoonist learn to draw joints?

Bruno May 22, 2009 at 11:29 am

Josh, you’re great, but I worried you have fallen prisoner to the twitters.

Bruno May 22, 2009 at 11:32 am

[re=323007]Bruno[/re]: And cartoonists need to learn to write snarky book titles. D. Baristow would have thought of that

SayItWithWookies May 22, 2009 at 11:35 am

[re=323008]Bruno[/re]: Says the guy with three comments all under 140 characters. Project much?

Also, that Taliban guy wouldn’t dream of being in a car with a woman with that much exposed skin. Unless he was in a non-Muslim country, in which case he’d ask for sex before saying hello, then call her a whore after she told him to fuck off. They’re kinda confused that way.

Chickensmack May 22, 2009 at 11:37 am

Tim the Enchanter should have warned Uncle Sam about the Rabbit of Caerbannog…

Naked Bunny with a Whip May 22, 2009 at 11:38 am

You can also click on me to make me larger, if you’re interested in big, wet rabbit boners. Right, Newell?

Tra May 22, 2009 at 11:48 am

[re=322994]Darthhippy[/re]: Sigh. Knew I’d get beaten to it. Well, let me expand, anyway.

Bunnies aren’t just cute like everybody supposes
They’ve got those hoppy legs and twitchy little noses
And what’s with all the carrots?
What do they need such good eyesight for anyway?
Bunnies! Bunnies! It must be buuunnnnnieeeessss!

*Geek high five*

OzoneTom May 22, 2009 at 11:49 am

I don’t get it, those don’t look like Jim Bunning at all.

queeraselvis v 2.0 May 22, 2009 at 11:54 am

Slightly OT, but the original Death Bunny, Benedict XVI, now has his own Facebook app.

4tehlulz May 22, 2009 at 11:59 am

[re=323002]Bruno[/re]: That’s the problem; Pakistan’s been sucking Taliban cock for years and now they want to go all the way.

El Pinche May 22, 2009 at 12:05 pm

Speaking of cartoons, Cut Nut gets probabation.

Ashley Todd will become an RNC spokesperson, a FoxNews contributor and/or be on the cover of People magazine.

Bruno May 22, 2009 at 12:09 pm

[re=323013]SayItWithWookies[/re]: You’re probably right, my mind only works in text message format. This also explains my lack of interest in proof reading. Go Twitterz!

Lascauxcaveman May 22, 2009 at 12:11 pm

Maybe it’s just my dirty mind, but I thought the Taliban trying to grab Pakistan’s hot, bouncing nukes was actually pretty funny, which means McCoy has gone 1-2 today, which means I’m speechless.

SmutBoffin May 22, 2009 at 12:11 pm

Hey, the Stormy Daniels candidacy is one step closer to happening!

Vote Stormy — for a satisfying future.

Bruno May 22, 2009 at 12:12 pm

[re=323035]El Pinche[/re]: [re=323013]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Now that Cut Nut is out of prison, how do I follow her Twitterz?

President Beeblebrox May 22, 2009 at 12:23 pm

[re=322979]Advocatus_Diaboli[/re]: McNutbag’s cartoons have all the subtlety and humor of a Mallard Fillmore strip.

american mutt May 22, 2009 at 12:30 pm

i fucking hate glenn mccoy.

helzapoppn May 22, 2009 at 12:46 pm

The bunnies in those two ‘toons would fit right into General Woundwort’s Owsla.

SayItWithWookies May 22, 2009 at 1:06 pm

[re=323035]El Pinche[/re]: Oh lordy — please don’t even joke about that. Actually, she’s probably safe from Fox News, as they really go for the bimbette look. Honestly though I hope she gets help. Hell after what she did for PA democrats, they should kick in something for her therapy.

proudgrampa May 22, 2009 at 1:18 pm

[re=323118]SayItWithWookies[/re]: I’m surprised she even got probation. Why didn’t the prosecutor just drop it?

Not defending what she did, even probation seems excessive in a case like this.

engulfedinflames May 22, 2009 at 1:24 pm

#1 i don’t get it.#2 i don’t get it. #3 i don’t get it. #4 i don’t get it. #5 i don’t get it. #6 is hopey trying to restrain or somehow impede the horror of universal health care from taking all the profits away from capitalists invested in the “health care INDUSTRY”? i thought he was a socialist. i don’t get it.

4tehlulz May 22, 2009 at 1:26 pm

[re=323035]El Pinche[/re]: And Ms. California’s secret lover.

Zadig May 22, 2009 at 1:29 pm

[re=323118]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Unfortunately, there is nothing that can save us from her inevitable NRO column.

imissopus May 22, 2009 at 1:31 pm

Excellent work this week, Mr. Curmudgeon.

lawrenceofthedesert May 22, 2009 at 1:43 pm

These political cartoons are a great example of why people don’t bother with newspapers any more.

SayItWithWookies May 22, 2009 at 1:48 pm

[re=323129]proudgrampa[/re]: Maybe because she tried to influence the outcome of an election. I’m not really sure though. Also, judges tend to look down on filing false police reports anyway, or otherwise messing with law enforcement. And he probably tacked on a week or so for bad penmanship.

gurukalehuru May 22, 2009 at 2:04 pm

Boy, that Glenn McCoy is one serious retard. He is to cartoons what George Will is to text, what Rush Limbaugh is to broadcasting, what Ann Coulter is to women, what George Bush was to presidentin.’
Just plum retarded.

CivicHoliday May 22, 2009 at 2:24 pm

[re=323022]Tra[/re]: wow, the second unrelated Buffy the Vampire Slayer post today (there’s a Hellmouth reference in the RNC Twitter thread). am having Jos cravings now…good thing we own every episode on DVD…

maven May 22, 2009 at 3:30 pm

Why is Sammy Davis Jr being satirized in that last cartoon about health care? Did he reveal some posthumous suggestion for universal health care? Good drawing of Sammy, though, even down to the lost eye.

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