Wonkette
Sup friends? Welcome to Thursdays, welcome to magazines, etc. Today it’s INTERN’S CHOICE, as it is your Intern Juli’s last day here at Wonkette (for the time being??)—and of course, with respect to our current understandings of the terms “Intern”, “Juli” and “Wonkette.” Cliff-hanger!
Anyway: back to the Atlantic, which is your Intern’s Choice, because they’ve published another one of their famous Let’s Do Something Zeitgeisty! Issues. And the centrifugal force powering our round table today? Happiness.
“What Makes Us Happy”: According to Liz Phair, US Poet Laureate (1993-1994), what makes you happy is “all that matters.” According to this 72 year long longitudinal study at Harvard—the Liz Phair of graduate-level psychology programs—it’s actually more about how you respond to things as opposed to the terrible, terrible things that inevitably happens to you. (Passive voice here, to make a meta-point!) Harvard selected 268 men, who matriculated during the 30s, and traced the way they responded to things—or “adapted”—during the last 72 years. So let’s skip all this and get to the Secrets To Happiness, which are (spoiler alert!) as follows: “Employing mature adaptations, education, stable marriage, not smoking, not abusing alcohol, some exercise, and healthy weight.” Which, hm, funsy. [What Makes Us Happy]
“Do CEOs Matter?”: Ah, here’s one right out of the Slate playbook. Hmm, we’re going to guess—counter-intuitively!—that no, they do not. Because you think CEOs totally do matter, right, so of course they do not. Using ultra-modern economic and sociological theory, the Atlantic takes the case of Steve Jobs as a prism through which to argue that while yes, CEOs are important in terms of shareholder confidence, they actually don’t matter all that much, in the long run. Let’s look at the evidence: even with popular CEOs, like Jack Welch, it’s not like the company didn’t come into being when Welch took over. So true! Oh and also, other stuff that the Atlantic calls “industry effects”—for instance, the, um, market’s available capital—count for more. [Do CEOs Matter?]
“American Sushi”: Oh okay, and since the Atlantic was your Intern’s choice, here is a “reader’s choice” because everyone likes to talk about capital-F Food in the context of sustainable development now, yes? That is a thing? So let’s hear all about trends in sushi: Japanese chefs in America have long tended to assume that Americans A. are not adventerous eaters and B. don’t particularly care about their health or sustainable development. But still, recently, American chefs in Japanese restaurants have started to do things like not serve certain fish because they are some of the endangered ones. Also, chefs have started offering more traditional fishes because Jesus Christ, it’s enough with the tuna. [American Sushi]
“Employing mature adaptations, education, stable marriage, not smoking, not abusing alcohol, some exercise, and healthy weight.”
What, no mention of the power of Christ our Lord? F*cking liberal academia is at it again.
Is soon-to-be-former-intern Juli enacting the next phase of her nefarious plan to take over the world? The Old Prophecies have told us of this time…
You skipped the article about the importance of ice in the now-trendy classic cocktail. Surely this wasn’t an oversight, HENNGH?
What about the term “Wiener”?
That’s not passive voice, Intern Juli!
Going out with an extremely interesting discussion of the always interesting The Atlantic? Interesting choice.
SKS gets all the attention from the lonely men-folk who read Wonkette, but, assuming no one else at Wonkette will read this, I’m going to go ahead and claim that Juli Weiner is my favorite of all time. A thirty-second Google seems to suggest that Ms. Weiner went from Teen Vogue to HuffPo to Wonkette, so it seems to be an exponentially upwards career arch, so I’m assuming she’s going to Politico or ShortsandPants. All she probably means, though, is that she is getting a promotion or something, so whatever. Good luck!
Juli: hold out for
moresome money; fewer free magazine subscriptions. Will miss your ridiculous rumours bits, too.turboslut: Ha, I’m surprised the Atlantic would stoop to publishing such a press-release-masquerading-as-article.
No more intern Juli? I will have a sad, and I will have it right now.
Why does Ken Layne hate the internet?
“Matriculated”? Not being academically inclined, I’m going to assume that’s some fancy term which means masturbating to pictures of old women. That’s not gonna make me happy in the least.
And suffice it to say, I’m going to skip most of the article since it’s obvious they’ve confused happiness with contentment. Contentment is for the slack-jawed cud-chewers. I believe in outrageous happiness. In fact, I think Helen Keller said it best,
“Life is a balls-to-the-walls party extravaganza
or it is nothing”
No, Juli! Don’t go! Who will gather Jim every afternoon from the gutter he passed out in the night before? Who will read magazines so we don’t have to? I haz a sad, now.
Is this the one that explains the Spongebob Squarepants phenomenon? I’m sure going to miss TA when my free subscription expires, although I’m sure they’ll keep dunning me to renew for years to come.
“Mature Adaptations”? Is that when you get your wife a strap-on?
Goodbye Intern Juli. I’ve enjoyed your posts here. We will always have Obama’s 100th birthday to remember.
That is Ed Grimley on the cover, right?
I read “Intern’s Choice” as “Intern Choire,” because I’m going blind. Good luck, I.J.!
Juli, you can always post on Craigs List and make some green.
wx insider: No good. They eliminated that section due to homicidal tendencies.
boatapple: That’s what you get for matriculating.
What makes us happy? The Atlantic’s cover pic would suggest heroin makes us very happy indeed.
I’m definitely out the “stable marriage” part, and possibly “mature adaptations,” depending on what they actually mean by that.
So, quick, will someone stable please marry me so that I can be happy like those old-ass Harvard men?
Custerwolf: Fucking College Republicans! They ruin everything, like Indian casino gambling, American politics, and Erotic Services on Craig’s List.
The Best of British to you Intern Juli! I hope your Wonkette time isn’t too much of a drag on your future career.
I notice the Harvard Study has little to say on the subject of group sex and bisexual swing parties. In my mind’s eye, orgiasts always have the happiest faces.
“Employing mature adaptations, education, stable marriage, not smoking, not abusing alcohol, some exercise, and healthy weight.”
That is the most depressing list i’ve ever seen. Haven’t these people ever heard of shrooms?
iwillsavethispatient: Future? Career?
If you love her, set her free.
anabellum: And what’s up with “stable marriage?” I prefer single and in the bedroom, living room or kitchen counter, but if those mulefuckers are happier than I am, more power to ‘em.
“Employing mature adaptations, education, stable marriage, not smoking, not abusing alcohol, some exercise, and healthy weight.”
Hm; I’ve got a good education, and my weight’s OK - well, two out of seven ain’t bad.
PerhapsSo: Maybe “Mature Adaptations” means the porn versions of big-name movies/shows, like Shaving Ryan’s Privates and Beverly Hills 90269?
anabellum: Word. That list sounds a declaration of war on art, poetry, music, and the tragicomedy of epic creation. Are we really just here to mow the manicured lawns of our lovely suburban homes?
Nooooooo!!!!!!!!! I never got to tell you how I feel about . . .
Custerwolf: Nope, it’s Newell, being happy.
What a crock. Not a single reference to snurging in the happiness article.
Awwww. Goodbye Juli xx
Good-bye, Intern Juli. When you leave, don’t forget to take your $150,000 worth of free clothes from Neiman Marcus. They’re in the trash bags Jim left by the door. And whatever you do, don’t put Wonkette on your resume, or your future career will be wa-a-a-ay in the future.
Here’s some hugs to go with Wheelie’s kisses, Jules…OOOOOO
Bon Voyage!!
Wait a minute! oh, “abusing” alcohol… and I can define what “abuse” means for myself, right?
Custerwolf: WIN.
I have not forgiven The Atlantic for dropping the short fiction over a year ago. That was personal.
Brendan M.: Juli Weiner is my favorite of all time
Seconded. Happy trails, Intern Juli!
I’ll miss your rumors, too, Juli. Good luck. Send news of your future successes so we can feel warm and fuzzy and proud.
Good luck Julie
& you’re right. Enough with the Tuna. Except the Spicy Tuna Handroll which gets a pass
Luv ya, Juli! Your writing. I’m talking about your writing. I remember when you started your internship, you were just a wee illiterate humourless waif. Now look at you! So entertaining! Come back any time.