Liveblogging President Obama’s ‘Why I Am Not Shutting Down Guantanamo’ Speech

If there’s two things our president loves, it’s detention camps and torture. So, obviously, he just used the whole “I will shut down that terrible den of Cuban shame” line to get into office, knowing that once he got in he would stop at nothing to open a thousand Guantanamos all over the Atlantic. We hear this speech he’s about to give, allegedly “explaining” his recent “decisions,” is really going to be one of these namby-pamby “on the one hand, but on the other hand” type deals that he loves so much. Let’s WATCH and LEARN.

Oh and uh NO we will not be liveblogging Dick Cheney, because that little attention whore does not need any more coverage from reputable news outlets like your Wonkette.

Andrea Mitchell repeats this thing that journalists like to repeat, which is that Cheney is running around to every news outlet blabbing about the glories of torture because he really believes it’s a good thing. This is kind of a gross and infuriating thing to hear, isn’t it? Like it’s so honorable to a sadist as long as you’re not doing it for POLITICAL reasons.

Does it not also strike anyone as a little odd, this assumption that Obama made all these campaign promises about shutting Gitmo without having any worldly idea how it would be instituted? It does not seem to be Obama’s style to just run off at the mouth without having any plan at all. What that plan is, who knows, but your editor guesses that he does have an actual plan that just happens not to be in accord with public sentiment at the moment. But who knows, maybe he really is just some loser whose mouth wrote a check his ass can’t cash. This has certainly happened to American presidents before!

Matthews to Buchanan: Why are Americans such pussies about keeping people in jail? Buchanan: This whole “we’ll catch cooties from the terrorists” argument just keeps everybody scared and itching to engage in more Middle Eastern wars. (We’re watching MSNBC, by the way, which might be a mistake.) Ugh. OK well, we’ll just sit tight until Latesky Obama shows up for his 10 AM speech.

10:28 AM — Oh hey thanks man, nice of you to show up.
10:29 AM — ATTENTION TERRORISTS, everyone from the SecDef to the Secretary of State to the AG to the Official Archivist of the United States is in the same building in Washington. (Joe Biden is hanging out in his basement, trying to figure out how Cheney’s old jazzerciser/thumbscrews combo machine works.)
10:31 AM — A long list of stuff the government is doing to fight THE TERRORISS: diplomacy, war, military innovation, blah. But: the most important weapon is the Constitution. Remember how he was a professor of Constitutional law? That’s how much he digs the Constitution.
10:35 AM — High-flown rhetoric, tyranny vs. rule of law, chaos vs. resilient moral values and institutions. Why does Barack Obama want to release the terrorists on the streets of downtown Peoria, where they will be free to kill again? ANSWER THE QUESTION.
10:36 AM — He just called the Bush administration a bunch of frightened pussies. Ditto the press.
10:38 AM — Remember how John McCain also wanted to close Guantanamo? Yeah, so even if he was president we’d still be having this discussion.
10:40 AM — Hey DLCC, how about scheduling your fundraising calls for those few occasions when the president isn’t giving a major policy speech? Jesus.
10:41 AM — Even Bush administration officials, says Obama, argued about the efficacy of torture. Dick Cheney’s supposed to start giving his own speech soon, right? CNN will probably beam him in, hologram-style, right next to the president.
10:43 AM — Bottom line, Guantanamo “has weakened” our national security. Plus, so expensive!
10:45 AM — Make no mistake, America: George Bush left a steaming pile of shit on the doorstep of the new administration, and now President Obama has to make it into a rose. This is no easy task.
10:47 AM — He’s very good in this, “Look, people, quit being pussies and act like adults” sort of mode.
10:50 AM — Hey, it’s a Plan: 1. Try these terrorists in federal courts whenever possible. You cannot try and convict these people without bringing them into the US first. 2. Detainees who violate the laws of war will be tried through military commissions. If they were good enough for George Washington then goddammit they are good enough for Obama. Military commissions that aren’t rigged kangaroo courts are just fine with him. 3. People who courts have already said have to be released, will be released, because that is the LAW. 4. What’s the fourth category? We were too busy looking for photos for another liveblog installment because this one is just getting out of control.
10:56 AM — And the last category of prisoner: the people who can’t be released, but there isn’t enough evidence to try them. A thorny issue indeed!

OK let’s start another thread, this one is TOO LONGS. Go here now or you will be sent to Leavenworth forever.