Wonkette
Here’s “the news:” tomorrow morning, Barack Obama will speak at 10:10 to outline his plan for closing Guantanamo Bay, if there still is a plan, while Dick Cheney will speak to the American Enterprise Institute at 10:30 re: his favorite torture moments. In other words, if you live anywhere in the continental United States and open your window right now, you’ll be able to hear the violent fapping sounds emanating from Time magazine’s Washington bureau.
It’s not just Mark Halperin’s “The Page” web page either. On the Time Swampland blog, famous nuisance Michael Scherer has composed a long piece titled, “The Coming (Cheney v. Obama) Thrilla?” Deep breath:
I am supposed to advise you that there is electricity in the Washington swamp air, a ringing tension, a sharp static, a fibrous charge that will explode at any moment. I should compare this moment to Manila, circa 1975, when Muhammed Ali was cavorting about with a rubber gorilla, taunting Joe Frazier into furious focus before the big fight.
[Fucking MURDER me] DUDE, HELLS YEAH, ROCK AND ROLL! BUT WHO’S WHO BRO?
If Ali had the Nation of Islam to back him up, Cheney has the Nation Of Rebublicans, such as it remains–a cavalcade of aspiring tough guys, Newt Gingrich, John Boehner, the talk radio gabbers. In recent weeks, following Cheney’s lead, they have settled on national security as their best card left to play against Barack Obama, Nancy Pelosi and the bunch. (This, in itself, is an amazing admission, given Obama’s dramatic expansion of domestic government.) And so they are hammering hard, trying to disrupt the cool of Mister Cool, President O, who I can now posit as Frazier, the workhorse, his head down, focused on the fight.
TOTALLY but wait, isn’t Barack Obama the current president with executive powers, meaning he may not see the exercise of these powers as a boxing match with despised private citizen Dick Cheney, who’s delivering a paid speech to professional wingnuts?
Scherer ends with a fairly radical suggestion:
Either way, the bottom line remains. Obama’s fortunes will be decided by how well his plans and policies work, not by what he or Cheney say tomorrow.
HEHNGNN? Silly liar.
The Coming (Obama v. Cheney) Thrilla? [Time/Swampland]
FORGET WEDNESDAY!! [Time/The Page]
LOUD NOISES!!11 MORE COWBELL!11
So wait, isn’t Obama the evil soviet boxer, all 6 foot 4 of proletariat revolution-honed gristle and soviet steel-laced backbone, and Cheney Apollo Creed, all jumping around in his big glittery uncle sam hat, red white and blue shorts and dancing with James Brown and shit before climbing into the ring to be ruthlessly killed with one punch?
I forget, when does Burgess Meredith die?
Risin’ up, out of power
Did my time, took my chances
Went the distance, now I’m fighting my past
Just a douche and his will to survive
So many times, it happens too fast
You torture Muslins for glory
Don’t lose your grip on your power of the past
You must bitch just to keep them alive
It’s the snarl of the Cheney, it’s a shotgun the to the face
Risin’ up to the challenge of THAT Obama
With the five deferment vet stalks his prey in the night
And he’s watchin’ us all with the snarl of the Cheney
Face to face, out in the heat
Hangin’ tough, stayin’ hungry
They stack the odds ’til we take to the street
For we waterboard to justify the lie
Risin’ up, put myself up at the top
Have no guts, got the glory
Went the distance, now I’m not gonna stop
Just a douche and his will to survive
George Will is comparing the event to the 1924 World Series. According to Will, Pres. Obama to the unfortunate Freddie Lynstrom, the 18 year old third baseman whose two errors helped cost the New York Giants the pennant. Or maybe Will is compaing Obama to whatever goalie lost the 1958 Stanley Cup Finals. Who the fuck cares, its George Will.
“a cavalcade of aspiring tough guys, Newt Gingrich, John Boehner, the talk radio gabbers.”
Seriously now - these are aspiring tough guys? WTF. I know that particular currency has gotten kind of debased - what with the cowboy from Connecticut strutting all over the place for eight long years in his codpiece and oversized boots, but still - don’t you have to be at least a tiny little bit tough to be an aspiring tough guy?
Fox News will skip coverage of Obama’s speech and carry Cheney twice.
Why is the MSM making this into a death match? President Obama is our president now so he should be getting the full respect that he deserves and Cheney should be ignore.
Why won’t the MSM stop sucking on the balls of the Bush Administration… didn’t they have enough of that the past 8 years?
The need to start eating Chief’s chocolate nuts which are the best if I say so. lol
mollymcgwire: Link plz?
um. .. there’s back to back episodes of Reba on Lifetime at the same time. so …no way!
Note to self– avoid all and every news stations and web sites (except Wonkette) tomorrow. Spend more time downloading porn.
sweetcandy: Why doesn’t this site have a editing option? I hate proof reading.
You know, we often like to think of Bill Kristol as the wrongest person ever, but I don’t think that’s quite accurate. He always has that shit-eating hack grin on his face, like he KNOWS he’s talking complete nonsense, but feels it’s his role to say it. Halperin, on the other hand, is stupid enough that he really believes everything (McCain forgetting the number of houses he owns, Bush’s approval rating plummeting to record lows, the economy tanking) is EXCELLENT news!!! for the Republicans!!!!, and that his librul media colleagues with “real assignments” and “journalistic skills” who can “write things longer than a series of blurbs in listicle format” are just chumps playing Obama’s game.
Plus, he has this Single White Female thing with wanting to be Matt Drudge, which is just weird. Real weird. If you’re gonna base your life on someone, why have it be a guy who spends his time dressing up like a Gilded Age journalist and listening to Chakha Khan remixes?
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again:
America would be well-served by a pitchfork-wielding mob burning Time Inc. to the ground and literally disemboweling its navel-gazing “journalists”. And then salting the earth so that no new hackery could grow in its place.
Seriously, Halperin, if I ever meet you, you are getting a swift kick to your tiny, tiny balls. JOURNALISM: U R DOIN IT SO VERY VERY RONG.
So the story is that if there is a story tomorrow, perhaps, there will perhaps be some kind of kerfluffle- or a bruhaha - or not- that will almost certainly have no effect on anything past, present, or future.
Ahhhhh, MSM, you never disappoint….
Off topic but did I just read on Huffpo that Limbaugh has resigned as ‘tit-head’ of the Republican Party? (C’mon Ken, can we keep up?) It’s o.k. He (Limbaugh, I mean) will always be our douche-nozzle.
And at 11 a.m., I’ll be in my bathroom vomiting.
Combover: You read that right.
Out of curiosity I tuned into the show from here in Munich and I caught the whole bit. Lush Rimbaugh, (not original, WKRP used that name in a parody of Rush back in the 1990s), did indeed cede his Man Titty control of the Republican party to Colin Powell.
Which just goes to show ya just how far off the rails these people have gone. If the Republican Party is to ever have any sort of chance to climb out of the abyss it’s in it will be with leadership of someone like Mister Secretary Powell.
Instead they abuse him.
I’m sure that this is part of of some Grand Master Plan they’ve got going on over there in Crazyville. Shit would be entertaining if it weren’t so sad and pathetic.
Who can stand family political feuds?
Wow, this is some hyperbolic shit! Most americans remember seeing Dick Cheney briefly at the inauguration of Bush in 2001 before he went into hiding.
Wake me when Cheney actually starts cavorting around with a rubber gorilla.
“And so they are hammering hard, trying to disrupt the cool of Mister Cool, President O, who I can now posit as Frazier, the workhorse, his head down, focused on the fight.” No, I posit, O’s more like Mine that Bird in the Kentucky Derby coming from 20 lengths back and kicking ass. I also posit that Cheney breaks both legs and has to be inhumanely euthanized.
It’s hard work building up something when everybody knows the outcome already. Cheney will say alarmist, pugnacious bullshit, President Obama will deliver a thoughtful, detailed plan, and not very many people’s opinions will change. But maybe Michael Scherer will learn how to spell Muhammad Ali.
Float like a butterfly, sting like a load of buckshot to the face.
Mark Sanford: Well done, sir.
Go away! I’m batin’!
…so, it’s about traction?…. Android Cheney coming back with his third heart from some apocolyptic future of his own making to revive the dying race of bad Republican machines…? Why don’t they just wait for the infusion of all the doctor and lawyer and insurance and media money from the health care debate?… or WON’T DICK LAST THAT LONG?…okay, this is doing nothing for my hallucinatory AA plans… good thing I stocked up on the Mount Gay during my eight year long bomb shelter (cardboard box) interment….good to be back….
HEY,
You promised live masturbating.
I hate the internet.
imissopus: ur, I kind of made it up.
ManchuCandidate: Win, BTW
If I still drank I would commemorate the event by tequilaboarding myself. Instead I will smoke some hash and go for a bike ride. I hope that dude is still wacking away when I get home!
so tomorrow one guy who is president is giving a speech somewhere; and somewhere else, a different guy who isn’t president will also give a speech? wow. call me crazy, but i’m pretty sure that happens on just about any given day.
oh and mark halperin is one of those people i wish would get hit by a bus. also.
But…. But… what do we tell the children about these journalists?
How do we explain?
mollymcgwire: Or maybe Billy Buckner and the 1986 series. Baseball presents endless possibilities for those who fumbled. Oops, wrong sport. And with this headline about Mark Halperin, Jim is vying with Ken for a “worst person in the world” moment. Really, Jim–where do you come up with this funny shit?
Hooray For Anything: “Spend more time downloading porn.”
That reminds me. I need to say nitey-nite so the old man can get on the computer and cruise porn.
Stay classy, wonkeratti!
Alt text: Take that, President Mandingo.
DustBowlBlues: And with this headline about Mark Halperin, Jim is vying with Ken for a “worst person in the world” moment. Really, Jim–where do you come up with this funny shit?
HEY… I do not understand your comment.
Sorry, but the only 6 pack Darth has is in his hubris-filled psyche.
“cavorting about with a rubber gorilla”
A close paraphrase of Hot Air’s summary of McAged’s contest against Barry, I suspect. The NeoCons always use such vibrant imagery.
At least give attribution, Swampy.
Cheney: Fucking has-been. Go home, fine-tune the pacemaker, watch soap operas.
No kidding, Cheney is such a pitiful piece of shit. After 9-11, he and the rest of the gang were telling us that we were going to be hit again, like within a couple of months. It didn’t happen, so they take credit for that. Now, Cheney and little brother George W. are , so Cheney again is saying that we’re going to be hit. But this time when it happens, it’ll be Obama’s fault.
All Dick Cheney is trying to do is show that he was always right. He wants an attack on the United States just to prove it. What a fucking unpatriotic jerk. Serve him up, indict him if you like, but history will laugh at him whatever happens.
Jim Newell: I think she left her PC to her husband so he can look at porn (her words, not mine.) But I think she means that saying Mark H. has a live link to himself masturbating is along the lines of KO’s “laughing all the time about everything is not wit, but more likely a serious medical condition,” except she approves and finds it funny. As do I. But what do I know. Let’s hope she returns and gives her own answer.
There are certain words that are just funny no matter the context. Masturbating is one, pants is another. You guys seem to have the whole list. Which is why I have been born again and have turned my life over to Wonkette, my overlord and savior.
Jukesgrrl: Tension getting to you? I felt the same at opening credits of the Japanese sci-fi epic, Waterboard vs. Socialistzilla. Screams, horror and Tokyo destroyed. Now on DVD.
mollymcgwire: …I knew you were making it up when you mentioned “Will” and “Hockey” in the same sentence.
ManchuCandidate:
It’s time to hire John Tesh to write the music for your excellent lyrics. Occasion? When Lynne finally yanks the damned wires to Dick’s pacemaker thing-a-ma-gigee. One can take only so much gloom. Particularly on the sunshine isle of Lesbos.
I mean that in a good way.
shortsshortsshorts: A senile, warmongering ex-Vice President on the same continent with a new President. Fault lines open, wild fires explode and mountains crumble. Film at eleven.
Stay classy, Time.
In a world without fried chicken, what is the difference between freedom and prison?
facehead: I have been fretting about this very thing.
S.Luggo: The entire main stream print media will soon be worse than reading an entertaining, but albeit retarded 80’s tabloid.
At least it’s about politics, I guess.
shortsshortsshorts: BATBOY RESPONSIBLE FOR 22 ANONYMOUS HOLDS IN THE SENATE!
mollymcgwire: Wow, that’s how little I think of George Will that that sounded like something he really would write.
obfuscator: You can’t blame Bat Boy for that. It was obviously DREW PETERSON. But yes, Bat Boy was like the best thing ever. I don’t care what the Liberal MSM says.
shortsshortsshorts: JON & KATE (+
FORM “GANG OF 10″, PUSH FOR CONTROVERSIAL MANDATED FERTILIZATION FOR ALL AMERICANS.
obfuscator: what the fuck was that? i suck at commenting.
I’m trying to make a Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out!! joke but it’s way too late for me to figure out something clever yet relevant, so umm….
Join the Nintendo Fun Club today, Barack!
excuse me, is any of the above supposed to make sense?
anabellum: above what? .. like this video?:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kvdw4b7tC-8
imissopus: Thank you. I tried.
anabellum: I like pie.
Clearly Obama is Kirk, Cheney is Khan, and Bush is Chekov.
The question is, will Cheney step up and explain why he was pissing down the noses of detainees for eight years to get them to say it was all Sadam’s fault, and that they had the WMDs in the World Trade Center?
Also:
Either way, the bottom line remains. Obama’s fortunes will be decided by how well his plans and policies work, not by what he or Cheney say tomorrow.
How many bucks did he waste on college to be able to write such a simply concluding sentence? Also.
sarcasticusername: Do you have proof that Cheney’s presidency ever ended?
Wait, can’t Cheney be arrested for impersonating a Vice President?
And what of those $2.5 bills with Smilin’ Dick’s profile on ‘em?
This man is now a nonentity, yet it seems the MSM can’t get enough Dick.
Very prescient, Halperin is on Morning Joe squeeling about a possible “split screen” today. With a crazed look in his eye,.. like a lumberjack, pulling down his trousers while getting on an Alaskan fishing boat.
This is fucking infuriating. Why are the MSM allowing the disgraced, criminal, torture apologists control the framing of this? By even referring to it as a “debate” signifies that maybe or maybe not torture is against the law. It is. It was when they did it. Fuck you MSM, look over there! Something shiny and distracting!
freakishlystrong: TO control, sorry, pissed.
SayItWithWookies: So, SOMETHING good can come of it, after all. It’s a stretch but I’m willing to go the extra mile.