Wonkette
Here’s your recent Wonkette obsession, Rep. Joe Barton of Texas, fighting the gorilla, which he will do daily as long as this Waxman-Markey energy bill is up for debate. In today’s session, Barton explains that fuel-efficient cars are not fuel-efficient, carbon dioxide is in the delightful beverage Coca-Cola, there is no evidence of higher carbon dioxide concentrations in the atmosphere, and of course, “you can’t regulate God.” Big round of applause for Joe Barton, everyone, because what the gays don’t understand is that God put those coal-fired power plants on Earth himself, shortly after giving pet dinosaurs to Noah and Moses, and they’re guarded by magical force fields so just bugger off already. [Think Progress]
Oh the jury is still out on whether or not co2 causes coca cola, but there is one thing we can all agree on:
GOP is die!
Joe Barton, “Ranking Member.” Couldn’t have said it any better, myself.
What else is natural besides CO2? Inbreeding and glue sniffing spring to mind for some reason.
Bonus points to the Wonketeer that sets that clip to “Dueling Banjos”.
GOD creates only clean healthy things that you should eat for breakfast, like carbon dioxide and McGriddles. Pollutants like mercury and lead come to us when Satan (Obama) takes a shit on GOD’s lawn (Earth). That’s just science.
Jaw-dropping a**hattery. This guy does, however, make Neanderthals look good by comparison.
Hope he spends some time in a poorly ventilated boiler room, basis that crack about hospitals never getting CO2 poisoning cases.
He is so deep in the hip pocket of the extraction lobby, that he missed the fact that “a document filed in a federal lawsuit demonstrates that even as [the lobbying group representing industries with profits tied to fossil fuels] worked to sway opinion, its ***own scientific and technical experts*** were advising that the science backing the role of greenhouse gases in global warming could not be refuted.”
This was in *1995.* And it was the American Petroleum Institute, among other groups.
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/04/24/science/earth/24deny.html?ref=todayspaper&pagewanted=all
Arsenic is also natural. Maybe Barton could find his way clear to swill down a bottle of the stuff.
On the other hand, the symptoms of carbon dioxide poisoning can include delirium and reduced alertness, so maybe Joe is just suffering from hypercapnia.
The only thing more natural than CO2 is oil money.
“It is necessary for human life. It is odorless, colorless, tasteless, does not cause cancer, does not cause asthma.”
In order to do his part for humanity, Barton should put himself in a small box full of CO2 and prove his theories. Surely there aren’t ANY holes in them at all.
LURV U BARTON!
Well shit, H2O’s not bad until you keep your head under it for eight or nine minutes–then it’s fatal isn’t possum-eyes?
Carbon dioxide is wonderful for you. I suggest all the global warming deniers all tie plastic laundry bags over their head, just to prove their point.
Who is this interviewer, and why do they give him three minutes and to answer a question without stopping to say, “Er, actually, scientists have prove that,” or “Okay, okay, I get it” or whatever?
This guy. Honestly.
Also, fuckhole, “H2O” is not a fucking GAS. It’s “water,” a known “liquid.”
We’re all gonna die because of ocean acidification so don’t sweat global warming Comrade Joe.
Democrats are always trying to regulate God. If not, they wouldn’t even care about climate change, because of the coming sublime end of our species. Lets face it, America and Coca-Cola were great while they lasted…
Why won’t the Democrats sell Israel F-22 Raptures, er, Raptors with tactical atomic cluster bombs? Because of regulation run amok. Let’s go out with a bang, not a whimper. Let’s be the people playing tunes on the Titanic not the people “shuffling deck chairs” or “trying to save people.”
You can’t regulate God. This is why you shouldn’t build/maintain levees.
districtsleeps: Oh noes! Must double-reverse correct! http://www.kidzone.ws/water/
Barton, however, is a known fuckhole, so I’ll give you that.
memzilla: shortsshortsshorts:
Psst! A gas or coal boiler would give off much more CO (carbon monoxide) than CO2 (carbon dioxide). You would die of the carbon monoxide way before you died from the CO2…and in any case, the main reason you would die from CO2 is that it was replacing the oxygen you need to survive. Pure CO2 would kill you, but it would be hard to get an environment with only CO2 in it outside of a lab.
Not to be a nudge, but..well, fuck it. I was being a fact nazi. Sorry about that. Carry on with the snark.
The honorable Rep. Joe Barton (R) Exon Mobil is just a more evolved species of human, CO2 is not toxic to him and he cannot live on coke w/o fizz. More efficent vechicles are less efficent at moving people around and water vapor is just god pissing on us, amen.
How can he get elected and Allen Keys loses to a black guy. what is wrong with the sheeple in IL.
I am longing for the rationality of Lyndon LaRouche.
Clearly this man is the intellectual juggernaut of the GOP, to whom we should all defer on matters of God and nature and God’s Nature Studies.
I love his logic. You can’t regulate God, bitches! Vehicles powered by fossil fuels are the fuckin LIMIT to what humans can achieve. And Texans love driving their SUV’s everywhere…that’s a fact. Need to run to the 7-11 next door for more donuts? Hop in the truck. And the best of all: The USA is not Europe!
Perrier water? PERRIER!?! He’s nothing but a Dijon spreading, Perrier sipping, froggy FRENCHY frog!
Old, church-going, Southern white guy rides again!
All he needs now is a trusty side-kick.
suchsweetthunder: “rank member” more like.
Internally valid: It doesn’t count that was not in the bible.
Bringin in all that schoolin stuff
fuckin lefty eleitest also
Someone tell Barton you can’t go full retard.
Why does Apollo 13 come to mind…? Oh yeah! CO2 poisoning from a breakdown of the oxygen generators! Huzzah!
cant he put this in 245 amendment form?
Stupid Cock House!
districtsleeps: winz!
So the planet is the “Titanic”? And God is trying to kill us with harmless gases? What a stupidhead God is.
Goddamn. Is there a Nobel prize for “straight makin’ shit up”? This flaccid-cock-fer-brains congressperson wins it. What this guy doesn’t know about the transmission/reflection of solar energy by the atmosphere could fill a fucking BluRay DVD.
His pronouncements are an insult to anyone who has ever read a science book.
Mmmm-hmmmm… And where does Coca-Cola come from, Joe? Peak Coke doesn’t exist, because no one knows how the coke got there, see? *sniff sniff* also.
Tommmcatt: Yes but eventually the CO2 will kill you, so there. MWAH. Barton says it shant kill you, but yay, he is a dipshit.
SmutBoffin: I think that the Literature prize might cover that.
districtsleeps: H2O has a liquid, solid, and gas form. It also exists in the atmosphere, see: clouds.
Other than that though, this guy is so full of shit. Every single dumbass who will be voting on cap and trade should be forced to learn about the carbon cycle. Jeeeeeeeeezus.
http://yglesias.thinkprogress.org/archives/2009/05/understanding-the-decline-in-gop-self-identification.php
do you really even need Yglesias to break it down when you have fucks like Barton jabbering on the teevee?
I don’t trust a man who can’t control his bangs.
Joe Barton: Actual pig? Pig fucker? Both?
Stupidity is natural, too. Also.
Bullshit if I can’t regulate God - that fucker would be looking to knock off a piece every five minutes if I didn’t demand that he pace himself. He also has a curfew - in by nine, or he loses his turn.
Hey, you have to give props to the guy. He made not A, not B, but 3 good points!
Joe just saw Michelle Bachmans batshit crazy and raised her one. The balls in your court Michelle.
I want to eat Barton’s kidneys with fava beans with a nice Chianti.
Motherfucker actually does the “A,B, and Three” listing shit you see the dumb guy from 80’s movies do. When will Rep. Joe Barton tell Obama to make like a tree?
They say that most human beings resemble either pigs or foxes.
Joe Barton, there, looks like he just recently fled the sty.
EdFlinstone: He’s totally stealing Bachmann’s material.
WIDTAP: Barton’s actually suffering from HYPOcap-nia.
forgracie: OMG!!! He *does* have possum eyes!
iolanthe: shortsshortsshorts:
Yes, we are all, by exponential degrees, smarter than that cockgoblin. Which is a bit like winning a slam-dunk contest against a three-year-old, but there it is.
Why do liars always have to swallow so much?
We wouldn’t dare try to regulate God. No sirree. Isn’t that exactly why God created feeding tubes? So that we can keep brain-dead Florida women alive until they wake from their nap? Or operate infertility clinics? Or do a heart bypass…or just about any other goddam thing modern medicine has allowed us to do? The inconsistency of these jeebus retards is amazing.
God needs to regulate this fucker - and hard.
Actually, you can regulate God, if you have mad skills, like me. And a really tight relationship with His nemesis, the dark lord Satan. Real liberals have always understood this.
princess: I’m getting regulated later tonight. Hard.
RoscoePColtraine: That’s my girl.
Cicada: They’re still stuck on the spin cycle.
Glad to see Texas back in the news on Wonkette! I can’t get enough of that state. Oh, yes, actually I could. I remember on my last business trip there, my coworker and I worked like freaking hell just to get an earlier flight out of Dallas. Oh the memories.
As a Democrat in Oklahoma, I am very thankful for Joe Barton. He’s such a gigantically stupid asshat that his dimwittedness deflects attention from our dumbass Republicans.
Thanks, Joe. Stay douchey. BTW–What’s your opinion of the Flaming Lips?
memzilla: You used asterisks on a wonkette post to clean up the one, fairly mild curse word. You are adorable! And a better person than the rest of us potty-mouthed losers.
iwillsavethispatient: “You can’t regulate God. This is why you shouldn’t build/maintain levees”
Or, obviously, monitor volcanoes.
american mutt: Win. Loved the movie.
Suds McKenzie: Speaking of his amendments, I’m deeply upset that he didn’t bring Indiana into the conversation. Did they break up, or something?
You can’t regulate God, no you just have to wait, said God don’t come easy, but it’s a game of give n’ take…
I invite Mr. Barton to contact me so as to invest in some prime waterfront property in Bangladesh.
Call today, Joe! It’s going fast!
Joe Barton: How about this? Let’s make the Earth’s atmosphere 100 per cent oxygen! That would be good, wouldn’t it? It’s all natural. Just don’t light any matches! Because then, bingo! Runaway fire and natural carbon monoxide and carbon dioxide! Don’t you just love nature?
“you can’t regulate God” … and by God, I mean Texaco
Oh, and Joe–I forgot to add this: If you really believe what you say, you’re a dumbass (some folks spell it “dumb ass”, but it’s all the same thing.) If you don’t believe what you say, and you’re just trying to make points with party leadership, then you are a whore, probably a dumbass whore who thinks that if he just shovels bullshit for the party long enough he can become a party leader in the House. But you’re wrong, Joe. Leadership already knows that you’re a dumbass, so they send you out to say stupid shit in their stead. You’re never going to get there. Might as well head back to Texas and the hometown banker/lawyer/tractor dealership job you were struggling with before you hit the big time and went to DC, where the whole world can see what a dumbass you are. It’s obvious that in DC, you are a hod-carrier, and nothing else. Go home and be happy.
Someone oughta show Barton this.
And when have any of these damn so-called “scienticians” shown that they’s a whole bunch a Coca-Cola up high, way up ‘air in the at-mos-fear. Huh?? Huh???
Hey you know that mercury and lead are “natural” occuring elements, right? That means it’s ok if it’s in our drinking water. Why they’re just all-natural God-given flavored vitamins. That causes us to sputter and die. See I too can teach at the Joe Barton School of Science (Fiction)!
Also Rep. Barton DOES let out a noxious pollutant every time he opens his mouth, but I don’t think it’s CO2 if ya know what I mean.
“hypercapnia”
look it up
By the way, Coca-Cola, this fucktard just implied that your product isn’t all that different from factory pollutants. This IS what you hired hyper-litigious hyperactive lawyers for right?
Please list all the input variables that can affect climate. List them in order of probable significance.
How does this number of input variables effect the statistical validity of the output of your climate change computer model?
Have you tested this model on out of sample data?
Can you predict the temperature at a particular GPS coordinate on a particular day in the near future (1 to 5 years)?
Can you predict the sea level change at a particular GPS coordinate on a particular day in the near future (1 to 5 years)?
Can you prove these were caused by co2?
Somebody serve him up a big bowl of Carbon-Os!
Hmmmmm, so basically, the majority here won’t debate AGW, but instead just call republicans idiots.
Do any of you nay-sayers have any idea what Obama’s Cap and Trade Bill will do to what’s left of our economy ?
I pray to my unregulated god that this enlightened gorilla start his own kids’ science TV show, kind of like Mr. Wizard but creepier, so we can learn about the vast global warming conspiracy.
*Ratt*: As our resident economist, why don’t YOU tell us what Cap & Trade will do to our economy?
NAY!!!
Ratt: Lord Obama says we can stop Climate Change, so we’re going to stop the Climate GOD DAMMIT! Yes we can!!!
Science? Who cares about science? We’ll get 5 billion new “green jobs”!!!
Carbon is evil because Al Gore and the EPA say it is. End of issue. Now let’s get on with freeing the oppressed at Gitmo and free drugs, er, health care for all!
Woah! Someone needs another drink! Give that man a Tricky-Dicky Screwdriver, stat!
You mentioned another substance that fits all those criteria, Joe: Water. You know what water poisoning is called? It’s called drowning, you dumb fucking hick. Ask New Orleans what happens when you get too much of naturally occurring, odorless, colorless, tasteless substance.
Chad San Marino: Then how come the EPA hasn’t labeled water as a “Danger to Human Health”? It’s given that too much of anything isn’t good. Even a dumb fucking hick knows that. But the EPA only wants you to believe that too much Carbon is bad for you, because it’s easy to tax. Goodbye cheap coal! Believe me, the government would tax water if they could convince us that it posed a health risk.
Chad San Marino: Actually it’s called “hyperhydration” when you drink too much, rather than inhale. Same result though=death. If you haven’t already, cross that one off your list of ideas for fraternity hazing.
mamaway: Are you actually serious?
Custerwolf: I sure like that word “actually,” don’t I?
Actually, I don’t.
calling this guy a “stupid motherfucker” does a disservice to everyone with an IQ under 60 who had sexual relations with his or her own mom.
(1) hey, joe, you know what else is naturally occurring? Asbestos, you dumb fuck.
(2) you know what else is odorless, colorless, & tasteless? carbon MON-oxide. go suck a tailpipe that doesn’t belong to Jeff Gannon.
(3) life also couldn’t exist without the fucking sun. doesn’t mean that degrees of exposure and distance from said burning star doesn’t account for “life”.
(4) even here in Texas, it’s pronounced preva-lent. not prevail-ent.
(5) a “theory” never been proven, not a fact. same could be said of almost every other scientific conclusion. ever.
(6) for a “theory” you pretty well nailed the description minus the words “somehow interact to”.
(7) you can regulate God. it’s in the first amendment.
Barton/Palin ‘12!! with Bachmann as HHS Secretary and Ron (or Rand) Paul as Treasury Secretary.
“Like shuffling deck chairs on the Titanic,” indeed. What an apt description for the efforts on global warming denialists. Perhaps CO2 causes irony deficiency. Someone should tell him that Beer’s law isn’t about beer.
“Like shuffling deck chairs on the Titanic,” indeed. What an apt description for the efforts of global warming denialists. Perhaps CO2 causes irony deficiency. Someone should tell him that Beer’s law isn’t about beer.
2nd setence is less nonsensical, now.