Vote early and often!It’s pretty exciting to vote, right? Remember how cool you felt in November, voting for the black dude? Remember how fun it was, voting against goddamned Sarah Palin and Walnuts? And just cold goin’ down the ballot and voting against anybody with an “R” after their name? Fun times. You can relive the excitement today in California, if you live there and do the voting thing — and if you read Wonkette, there’s a one-in-three chance you do live and vote in California. Who knew?

But it turns out that today’s election is not super exciting, like the presidential vote. For one thing, no Obama! Ballots just aren’t cool anymore without Obama. The other problem is that nobody knows what’s on today’s ballot, and nobody even knows there’s an election today. As a result, the polling places are all empty! So why not go vote if you’re in the Golden Bear State Republic? Here’s a voter’s guide! Print & bring to the polls!

  • As usual, there are a bunch of complicated bullshit propositions that maybe the elected legislators could figure out on their own, but nooooo, let’s have a handful of ill-informed old people and Wonkette readers make the budget decisions. Prop 1A would force the state to save some money during good financial times — 12.5% of the general fund, instead of 5%. Some restrictions on this or that, too. In other words, why the fuck can’t the state government decide a sane level of rainy-day savings? NO.
  • Prop 1B would restore $9 billion in school spending if Prop 1A passes. Did you follow that? Try, because it is fucking insane. This is a proposition with the same number — but different letter! — that reverses part of the other Prop 1, if that one passes and this one passes. NO. STOP IT.
  • Prop 1C is something about the lottery. NO FUCK YOU PEOPLE.
  • Prop 1D would take like a billion dollars from the state’s retarded children and use it to build a titanium temple for Arnold Schwarzenegger on the Moon. NO FOR CHRIST’S SAKE WHAT ABOUT THE RETARDED CHILDREN?
  • Prop 1E would violently steal $460 million from California’s insane people and give it to Maria Shriver so she can buy magic pants. NO STOP STEALING FROM THE INSANE HAVE YOU EVER EVEN HEARD OF MORALS EVEN IN PASSING?
  • Prop 1F allows a handful of old people, many of them AM talk-radio listeners, to show up at a neighborhood church and haphazardly decide which state employees can and cannot get pay raises in certain years based on certain economic conditions and ratios that there is seriously no way in hell any of these people can begin to understand. NO NO NO THE NEXT PERSON OR GROUP TO PUT A PROPOSITION ON THE FUCKING BALLOT IS GOING TO GET THEIR BALLS CRUSHED WITH A POISON BULLDOZER.
  • Local Measures! There are also several local measures.
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  1. I see California is now numbering ballot measures in hex. Must be that Silicon Valley influence.

    By the way, Montgomery County (Maryland) also has an election today! Well, a least three or four square miles of it does. This is a special election to replace the guy who died, who was elected in a special election to replace his wife who died.

    Unfortunately, I think we’ve run out of people in that family to kill off, so somebody else is running instead. Hope she has her will made out!

  2. “I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, democracy simply doesn’t work.”
    -Kent Brockman

    Especially if you have a large segment of the populace who think E! is a newsnet and thought it was great idea to make Ahnauld into the Gubbinator.

  3. I got my ballot in the mail a month or so ago. I figured, yeah, so what, we can let the state go to hell, and I still get to eat avocado burgers and go to the beach. Or we can tell the state to be careful with it’s money, and I get to eat avoacado burgers and go to the beach. That ballot never saw the light of day again.

  4. [re=320196]Mahousu[/re]: Robin Ficker is running, no less. He was Maryland’s Crazyist Republican before Alan Keyes took the title.

  5. I can’t believe you are against a measure that is going to force California legislators to live on the minimum wage (1F) or something like that. And don’t forget if you live in the City of Angeles, the highly elevated discourse between two wannabe City Attorneys – one who likes billboards – which is evil, or the other one who shoots baby seals. Democracy is a beautiful thing!

  6. I’m not the least bit interested in what is on the CA ballots. I’m interested in what the fuck is on that goddamned gurney- and whether I’m staring at its fanny or its FUPA.

  7. My favorite part about ballot measures is the way the assholes who write them try to confuse people as to what “no” or “yes” actually means. (Kind of like my standard approach at parties when I was in college, but nevermind.) They write it like “shall the policy of the state to deny benefits to co-habitating partners of the same sex be overturned?” Er…no? Yes? Nobody has any idea, even if they know that they do or do not like the gays! Yay, democracy!

  8. We’ve got an election in Philly today, too, but only for the rather boring positions of city AG and comptroller. And judges, too, who almost no one knows enough about to make a decision; thus they end up going to those who get randomly put at the top of the ballot & has the most interesting names.

    Of course, that’s it, because unlike California, we actually have a legislature that makes the laws, instead of this proposition bullshit. Ha ha, you’ve got an entirely crippled state budget because lawmaking system is broken!

  9. It looks as if they are cashing in the rest of their democracy chips before they are acquired by MexiTexas and used as a place to send debtors and homosexicles.

  10. While you’re at it, California, why don’t you just put every line item of the state’s budget up for a popular vote?

  11. [re=320229]Custerwolf[/re]: Hey, I found out the answer to that burning question yesterday. You know…….about wet dog smell. Wanna know???? Huh do ya???

  12. [re=320212]Custerwolf[/re]: Have seldom seen anything more retchworthy. Would rather not know. Must find industrial strength bleach to scrub eyeballs clean.

  13. This is definitely one of California’s Greatest Moments in that thanks to gerrymandered districts and a barrage of initiatives that locked in most of the state’s budget and hamstrung the legislature, California is completely bankrupt and so a barrage of initiatives are on the ballot to help alleviate the mess created by all the other initiatives. Naturally, we’re probably going to vote against them

  14. 1) The Governator says vote ‘yes’ on all of them, so I guess that makes you a Girly Man, doesn’t it, Ken?

    2) Seriously? One in three Wonkette readers live in Cal? From the way we hog the bandwidth on comments, you think it’d be us Washington State folks who were the plurality.

    3) Speaking of which, did Custerwolf finally get banned for being such an OT chatty patty?

    4) Does that mean I’m next?

  15. Oh California, don’t you understand that “real” democracy sucks donkey balls? America: The Book said it best.
    PERICLES: It is true that we are called a democracy, for the administration is in the hands of the many and not the few.
    SOCRATES: Yes, Pericles, but have you gotten a load of the many?

  16. i called the american idol phone number but they refused to let me do my california voting there. why does it have to be so hard to vote?

  17. [re=320213]Dave J.[/re]: You are assuming that people actually read the ballot measures. Naw, they just pay attention to whichever ad has the best scare music.
    How do you think Prop 13 got passed? Yes, let’s cap property taxes FOREVER, then we can pay for our public schools with bonds that they will never be able to repay.

  18. Every single one of the initiatives at this time have two confirmed no votes. Can they recover? Stay tuned.

    It’s a complicated fix to a simple problem. The Constitution says you can’t raise taxes without a 2/3 majority in the legislature. There are just sufficient die-hard Repugnants to prevent any such uprising. They don’t need public agencies, as they own their own, and don’t want to educate the children of aliens, so they’re against taxes. They’re dying, but they ain’t dead yet. Stay tuned. Therefore the politicians in good times squander on bread and circuses like they do and there’s nothing left for bad times, like tech and housing busts. Here we are, post-bust.

    California will go bankrupt and the rest of the nation will have to bail us out anyway, so why waste funds on elections?

    Note: The Terminator ran against the incumbent gubernator because of just these difficulties, a bust and bankruptcy. He said he would fix all that. Now he’ll shrug, go back to the movies, but what will the rest of us do?

    Stay tuned.

  19. That photo isn’t funny. It illustrates the tragic condition of our health care industry. A person with severe butt stomach cannot even get proper medical care free of mythical creatures and singing morality midgets. Makes me sick.

  20. The whole furry thing grosses me out, yet the photo intrigues me…Is that a hippo furry, there, on that stretcher? If you are a furry, are you allowed to be a hippo? Didn’t anyone explain the rules to this particular furry? Is there a furry grand council or something that we should be sending this picture to?

  21. God I hope this ends like that one movie where Tommy Lee Jones versus the Volcano or Kurt Russell has to escape to L.A. What I mean is I hope California is decimated by natural disaster/god’s wrath, slides into the ocean to drown/become its own sovereign cesspool, the end.

  22. [re=320224]russellmuscle1[/re]: The real medical term is “pannus”, which is somehow grosser than anything anyone has made up.

    I learned this working for an OBGYN, where I sometimes had to lift the pannus of some of our more obese patients out of the way during exams. The smell was….worse than that picture.

    Good times.

  23. Wait…California has a government?

    I’d say someone in that picture voted “Yes” on a mescaline and Captain Morgan cocktail.

  24. [re=320250]Custerwolf[/re]: Oh oh ok……… goes: The reason why dogs smell (worse than usual) when they get wet is because (drumroll), thier pores go into overdrive producing oil to compensate for wet fur/skin. The reason being because many animals have coats that repell water, using oil. That oil has a particular smell.

    You’re welcome.

  25. [re=320262]Cicada[/re]: Hahahaha!! Oh shit!! You had to lift the “Pannus”! You’re right, for some reason that is grosser.

  26. NO on everything except F – I’d already be gone from CA if my Beautiful Brazilian Bride were not only 6 years away from that ‘wonderful’ teachers retirement…

    Then we are gone like a shot, with your fucking money, assholes.

  27. [re=320262]Cicada[/re]: Thank god I work in the veterinary field, where pannus refers to a simple corneal inflammation usually found in german shepherds.

  28. [re=320268]russellmuscle1[/re]: Come on Russ…I was waiting here for something good. You just lifted that from teh google.

  29. OK, this is totally not snarky, it’s an honest, serious question. When it’s all squishy like that, how do you know what waist size to get? I mean, in theory, you could just mash it all into a size 15, no?

  30. [re=320291]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: I was wondering- if you tied a rubber band around it would it eventually fall off, like a pair of calf testicles?

  31. [re=320300]russellmuscle1[/re]: Unless you have to pee really bad. Then it doesn’t hang as much as stick straight out.

  32. I don’t want to vote today. Okay? I said it. There’s a goddamn election here every other week. I hate California propositions. Hates them. And they’re all supposed to fail except the one that freezes pay raises for lawmakers during a budget crisis or whatever. I hate political ads. I hate California. I hate everything. I’m not voting.

    Well, maybe I’ll stop by later if the guilt gets to me, but I can always kill the guilt with beer.


  33. [re=320326]NoWireHangers[/re]: Once when I went to the voting booth to vote for what felt like the the third time that year, I made a joke to the poll worker how I’ll probably see them again in three months. We laughed about it again when I saw them three months later.

  34. California government is one big game of Calvin Ball. What’s legal today is illegal tomorrow. Rules change mid-game. The Constitution has become a pop-culture document that’s whimsically amended by a show of hands.

    I still don’t want to live any place else.

  35. I thought nothing could make me as nauseated as this CA ballot initiative process…until I saw that fucking picture…uuuuugh.

  36. [re=320326]NoWireHangers[/re]: As complicated and infrastructure-annihilating (and therefore important) as these initiatives are, you should not feel guilty for not voting. Even if they all passed, the California budget is so monumentally fucked that fiscally our state will be in the exact same position six months from now.

    You’re welcome?

  37. Every time there’s an election, the ad’s are all the same, with the same recycled dialogue year after year after freaking year. Each side will have commercials that feature a sooty butch fireman, or a studly cop, or a pretty but harassed looking teacher, or a motherly nurse. They’re always telling us how we’re all going to die and go broke and lose our jobs if the other side wins.

    Dull, uninspired and annoying. All of them.

  38. [re=320376]Joshua Norton[/re]: …and the busy, dowdy Mom loading up the minivan and olds bitching about health insurance or taxes.

  39. [re=320211]Cherry Garcia[/re]: That anti Trutanich commercial is amazing. It literally ends with “He defended someone who CLUBBED BABY SEALS.”

    I haven’t voted yet.

  40. [re=320326]NoWireHangers[/re]: Neither do I. I feel like morally I am supposed to vote yes because I don’t want california to be destroyed but at the same time, nothing’s going to pass and I almost don’t even give a shit.

  41. If we wanted California’s opinion, the rest of the country would give it to them, since they’re too stupid to come up with a workable idea on their own. California is one of the most ignorantly conservative states in the country. Proof: Ronald Reagan was your governor. So was Arnold S. Really, if Californians haven’t seen ’em in People or TMZ, they don’t exist.

    Fuck California. They’re too stupid to know how to vote for themselves.

  42. The scary thing to me is that Wonkette’s positions on the props are not only superior to the L.A. Times’, but more succinctly reasoned. Has Zell outsourced the editorials to Pakistan?

  43. After I made this photo my profile pic on Facebook, it elicited a myriad of comments, as you might imagine. It was brought to my attention that the Butt-Gut person is clutching a high ball glass in the non-holding-hands-with-oompah-loompah hand. So, (s)he’s a drunk, to boot.

  44. Goddammit. “hole in it I can fuck.” Jesus christ, bad poem ruined but what the hell, one more time, correctly, for posterity:

    Roses are red
    Violets are blue
    I wonder if that fupa
    Has a hole in it I can fuck

  45. [re=320370]problemwithcaring[/re]: Don’t forget that if the initiatives passes, they’ll be about 500 lawsuits filed the next day which will either invalidate the initiatives or delay them becoming into law and even then, somebody will get measures put on the ballot which will completely undo the initiatives. This, of course, will pass too and the whole cycle will repeat itself.

  46. [re=320552]hobospacejunkie[/re]: Jesus, I must have inhaled too much louse powder, it took me seven times reading those two poems before I finally discovered the disparity. Nice poem.

  47. i voted yes on everything.

    suicide pact.

    [re=320512]Baloo Uriza[/re]: yeah we’re pretty much like those abortion shouters in the carolinas. or that one chick on the tractor in whatever godforsaken flyover space.

    yeah, just like that.

  48. JMP: Guvner Ed called me on the fone to tell me to vote for some judge, but I fergitted which one. Out here in the Chesco sticks we got more important stuff to do anyways.

  49. It’s obvious California will reject the propositions. Then, tomorrow, the California Supremes will say “you can haz gay marriage, okbai!” (the California Supreme Court is composed wholly of lolcats). So, I figure they’ve got 72 hours tops before bankruptcy and civil war.

    Then, once they’re done killing each other, Obama sells the state to Mexico, China and India, and uses the proceeds to pay the budget deficit. Everyone wins! Except the Californians, who can reflect on their failures in self-government while they labour in the coal mines of Manchuria or pull oxcarts in rural Oaxaca.

  50. This was a refreshing post, I had a very similar reaction. I remember being dumbfounded when I opened up the voter’s information guide and every proposition was listed as being put on the ballot by legislators! Stop governing by voter initiatives, and start doing your jobs!

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