Michael Steele Announces Re-launch Of Republican Party!

  sure why not

RNC comedy act Michael Steele has delivered his very hyped speech to state GOP chairmen about how… today… today the Republican Party rises anew! RIGHT NOW, baby. Craziness! What’s different? Well: abortions for all! Free hamburgers and catsup! 9/11? Huh. Steele believes that “the future of the GOP,” starting today, “lies not in looking back but in pushing forward.” Time to insult Ronald Reagan!

“Ronald Reagan never lived in the past,” Steele will say. “Ronald Reagan was all about the future. If President Reagan were here today he would have no patience for Americans who looked backward.”

And by “Americans who looked backward” he means “the lower and middle classes of America.” The GOP should run with this!

Chris “The Fix” Cillizza suggests that the time has come, for Michael Steele, to do whatever baby:

Steele, on paper, can still be the right man at the right time for the GOP. He is a charismatic public speaker and television presence whose career is evidence of the possibility of Republicans getting elected in blue states.

And, his call to “take this president on with class….take this president on with dignity” strikes the right tone for Republicans seeking to score political points off of Obama as hard partisan attacks seem to glance off of him without leaving a mark.

So that’s Michael Steele’s new plan for the GOP: “Let’s stop being dicks about everything.” Worth a shot!

NO, WAIT. Michael Steele’s new plan for the GOP: “This change, my friends, is being delivered in a tea bag. And that’s a wonderful thing.”

Steele Tries To Turn The Page [WP/The Fix]

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Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell

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72 comments

  1. sevenrepeat

    he’s got my vote…but so does adam lambert. so i guess it doesn’t really mean anything in the end.

  2. RoscoePColtraine

    So disappointed. Where is the urban, hip-hop Michael Steele we’ve grown to know and love? Republicans don’t play dat.

  3. SlipperyDick

    Steele should have shopped at Rent a Metaphor. If “President Reagan were here” it would be the past.

  4. Monsieur Grumpe

    If President Reagan were here today he’d be a stinking rotting corpse much like the Republican party today. Now I understand what Steele is talking about.

  5. americanscandoanything

    “Ronald Reagan never lived in the past”

    huh?

    they do know he’s dead, don’t they?

  6. joezoo

    I have some of Saint Reagan’s toe bones in this here reliquary, which I will sell to Republicans for only $1,000 each. Quantities are limited to 50, so act fast!

  7. Robotmonster

    Holy shit, I thought you were making up that tea bag quote! BWAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

  8. Dave J.

    Nobody has ever seen Michael Steele and Larry David together. Think about it, America.

  9. Scott-san

    If the Republicans stop looking back and start looking ahead, they’ll have to become Democrats.

  10. Servo

    Wait! I need to get my lawn chair! This is certain to have all the drama and anticlimax of a North Korean Nodong 2 launch.

  11. thefrontpage

    BREAKING NEWS:

    Washington, D.C., May 19, 2009 (CNN): RNC Poobah Michael Steeleye today publicly endorsed independent blogger Michele Malkin for the upcoming open slot in the U.S. Supreme Court. “She’s the best, brightest hope for all of America!” Steeleye said at a press conference held in the sprawling Chinatown section of Washington, D.C. “She’d be a great Judge! She thinks very rationally, all of the time! And she’s so well-liked by so many Americans!”

  12. KTHXBAI

    In order for this plan to work, Michelle Bachmann and Virginia Foxx will have to be shot. Where do I make my donations?

  13. Crank Tango

    wait a minute, is that the fucking dog they paid 2,000 dollars for and put it on my “master” card?

  14. m_supercomputer

    Hahaha, Steele offers the possibility of R’s being elected in blue states? Um, bullshit. He and Ehrlich only won because the candidate they were running against was the lieutenant governor of Maryland’s most loathed governor in recent history. And they did such a shit job of running the state that it’s not gonna happen again anytime soon.

  15. Hooray For Anything

    [re=320160]americanscandoanything[/re]: Of course Reagan didn’t live in the past– he had alzheimers and couldn’t remember anything about it

  16. Advocatus_Diaboli

    Fox “News” poll clearly indicating a rise in republicanism in 5 … 4 …

  17. mayor

    “…whose career is evidence of the possibility of Republicans getting elected in blue states.”

    He was elected the Lieutenant Governor of Maryland. My cat could get elected the Lieutenant Governor of Maryland.

  18. RoscoePColtraine

    Michael Steele just can’t stop fawning over his BFF’s big fucking dick when they’re together in the locker room. Just let him stand there in Barry’s glow. But now that he’s out with his ‘other’ friends, he’s all like ‘Man, I just can’t stand that soma bitch. He thinks he’s all that, what with his coolness and style and big cock. I hate that dude.’ Michael Steele wants to be Obama. Michael Steele haz teh jealous.

  19. dougbob

    this IS more fun than happy hour… oh, wait! i forget that i don’t drink, so pretty much everything is more fun than happy hour

  20. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    Said Mr. Steele: “A project like this cannot be completed without the dedication, hard work, and skulls of many, many unsuspecting people. Now bathe in a plague of frogs!”

  21. freakishlystrong

    Fo’ shizzle, you bet your shiny gansta ass Republics want to look to the future, the fucking past is a fucking mess..

  22. Cicada

    The new GOP will use “class” and “dignity”? How long before Rush is calling for the Republican party to leave the Republican party?

  23. populucious

    And when dead Ronald Regan fails this new New Coke version of the RNC, they can put all their hope in the animatronic Abe Lincoln at Disney World.

  24. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    And what is all this shit about Reagan not looking to the past. This is the guy that used to talk about his military experience and it turned out to be some movie he was in in the 40s.

  25. sarcasticusername

    chris cillizza is apparently on something even stronger than whatever michael steele is smoking. in what universe does michael steele’s “career” indicate any of the things he claims it does, and how is he a charismatic public speaker and television presence? the man oozes crazy whenever he opens his mouth, and sometimes he doesn’t even have to do that.

  26. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    Why don’t you turn it into a Yogurt Shop, for Fat Republican White Women?

  27. Carrie_Okie

    Actually most GOP goobers look back to a time that NEVER EXISTED but they have their pretend history. And in that “time” THEY WERE AWESOME.

  28. Snookums

    ‘We must move forward, not backward. Upward, not forward and always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom.’

  29. Doglessliberal

    Dear Michael Steele, citing Reagan a billion times in a speech where you advocate NOT looking back is, well, kind of ironic AND moronic. You might want to consider hiring a new speechwriter. Or self-defenestration.

  30. queeraselvis v 2.0

    “This change, my friends, is being delivered in a DICK bag. And that’s a wonderful thing.”

    FIXED

  31. DC Hates Me

    Is it time to dig up Reagan again?

    “A woman is like a tea bag, you can not tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water” – Nancy Reagan

  32. Egregious

    “This change, my friends, is being delivered in a tea bag. And that’s a wonderful thing.”…now, if you’ll just kneel down and tilt your head back like so…

  33. Come here a minute

    The coded phrase “change is being delivered in a tea bag” is Steele pandering to the ultraconservative pro-lifers –

    Every sperm is sacred.
    Every sperm is great.
    If a sperm is wasted,
    God gets quite irate.

  34. Gorillionaire

    [re=320178]mayor[/re]: What does your cat have to say about teacher salaries? And green energy? Just asking because, hey, that cat just might have my vote!

  35. Anonymous Office Zombie

    Steele, on paper, can still be the right man at the right time for the GOP. He is a charismatic public speaker and television presence…

    Hahahahahahahahahahahaaaaa!

    WTF is that even supposed to mean? “According to the imaginary graph in my mind, I project Steele as the already having won the 2012 presidency.”

    Have fun with that fantasy role-playing game character of yours, MICHAEL STEELE, THE IN-THEORY MASTER OF ALL POLITICAL WINZ, you freaky GOPer goofballs, you.

  36. bfstevie

    Hmmm. Michael has apparently given up on the “for shizzle” black folks and is aiming for the black folks who use “tea” as a euphemism for marijuana. Apparently this is the black Republican celebration of the end to the war on drugs.

  37. Cape Clod

    Citing Ronald Reagan and torturing dogs is Mitt Romney’s job in the GOP. Steele should stick to what he know’s best, providing laughable sound bites for Olberman and Rachael Maddow.

  38. Hooray For Anything

    [re=320236]Anonymous Office Zombie[/re]: It’s called the soft bigotry of low expectations

  39. Gopherit

    “This change, my friends, is being delivered in a tea bag. And that’s a wonderful thing.” Indeed, this is the first time Steele has noticed he’s been teabagged since he took office? I was trying to figure out how he breathed with all of those scrotti that have passed those lips lately.

  40. Madeline

    [re=320160]americanscandoanything[/re]:

    “they do know he’s dead, don’t they”

    Yes, of course. The bombshell that Steele dropped is that Reagan never lived. Not even in the past.

  41. Capitol Hillbilly

    He also said the “era of apologies is over,” or some such nonsense. Does he mean the time when the Republicans apologized for starting a stupid war and all? Cause I totally missed that!

  42. Joshua Norton

    Steele offers the possibility of R’s being elected in blue states?

    He’d better hope for some new blue states then. Tell him to hold his breath. We’ll see who turns blue first, Steele or Alabama.

  43. TeddyS

    The gift that keeps on giving.

    ==

    “And John begat John, who began John, who begat Meghan, a woman, who learned the internets and was struck down by Michael the Immoderate.” — Lacerations 6:3

  44. Servo

    I haven’t felt this level of anticipation since Pontiac unveiled the 1992 Grand Am. No! Wrong! Try AGAIN, losers!

  45. Formerly Preferred

    I think the re-boot of the Republican Party would be much more successful if they cast Chris Pine as Young Reagan.

  46. Anonymous Office Zombie

    [re=320251]Hooray For Anything[/re]:
    That could never be the case. On paper, the GOP is in no way, shape, or form racist. No wait, not that paper with the Obama watermelon jokes on it, the other paper.

  47. Mr Blifil

    Oh I get it, this is supposed to be the anti-Obama speech to balance out the Notre Dame commencement speech. This is why Steele will never resign or be fired because his real job is to be a black-face performer who gets trotted out in response to Obama’s public appearances, I guess because they feel that seeing a black person who is not Obama talking on the TV will make anything Obama says less intelligible or sensible. Good luck with that one, fellas.

  48. snideinplainsight

    I haven’t felt this level of anticipation since they unveiled the Edsel.

  49. NoWireHangers

    [re=320199]Doglessliberal[/re]: Ronald Reagan is not the past; Ronald Reagan is the future. Ronald Reagan lives on in his son Ronald Reagan, Jr. Ronald Reagan’s Reagan legacy lasts longer than the life of Ronald Reagan himself, who was a lovable man to the American people in the Reagan sense. Ronald Reagan would commend Michael Steele on his speech by saying something like, I, Ronald Reagan, think your mention of me, Ronald Reagan, in your speech about the future of the party is something that any Reagan Republican would do just as I, Ronald Reagan, a Republican in the Reagan sense, have said I, Ronald Reagan, would do. Reagan. Also. Reagan. Reagan Reagan. Reagan. Also. Reagan.

    EXPLOSION!1!!

  50. Godot

    The Michael Steele = Steve Carell from The Office comparison is looking stronger and stronger all the time.

  51. Doglessliberal

    [re=320342]NoWireHangers[/re]: how soon before some ass wants to Canonize him? Setting aside that he was not Catholic, was divorced, etc etc, I am sure there are some whackadoodles out there who think they have a good argument. Hell, he got an airport named after him, despite his firing all the air traffic controllers, so why not this?

  52. Turd Way

    I don’t think Reagan either lived in the past or was all about the future. I think Reagan lived very much in the present, not like a yogi but more like a pet dog which can’t make representations of the future or past because it lack the ability to think abstractly.

  53. CampbellBrown'sBaby

    [re=320178]mayor[/re]: You cat couldn’t be elected Lt.Gov of MD. Kitty would have to be picked to join someone else’s gubenatorial ticket.

  54. IceCreamEmpress

    The Republican Party? Is that thing still on?

    Oh, well, maybe next season Joss Whedon will make it actually good, like he promised.

  55. lawchic

    Charismatic public speaker and television presence? is Cillizza kidding? Is that the new compliment for Black guys when MSM reporters don’t have anything useful to say?

  56. norbizness

    And don’t forget Reagan’s states’ rights speech in Philadelphia, Mississippi during the 1980 campaign. A notable place cause it’s like where some civil rights workers got killed.

    And I think he traveled with loads of shoeboxes filled with news clippings from Reader’s Digest and Boys’ Life, although that may have been a Doonesbury cartoon.

  57. lulzmonger

    “Rush & Mikey’s Excellent Adventure” -

    The HMS Republikania, newly re-christened with a can of Sterno, sets sail with a cargo of buggy-whips & Pet Rocks, her destination: that paradise of the North Atlantic, Iceberg Island … too bad they already pawned the rudder & the steering-wheel for rentboys & crank. Bon voyage, shark-food!

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