fightin' the gorillas

Joe Barton Hard At Work, Being An Asshole

Opossum-eyed Jesus geologist Joe Barton, Republican Congressman from Texas, signaled his intent last month to stop the liberal Waxman-Markey energy bill — the one with cap-and-trade, which is about hamburgers — with traditional adult methods of opposition: “I’m going to be the sneaky little guy that pops up from behind the bush and fights the guerrilla. But guerrilla warfare does succeed sometimes.” (Fortunately for him this world has professional transcribers, because he definitely was saying he wanted to fight a gorilla.) And now he is popping up from behind the bush with a reasonable plan to block the legislation by proposing 450 comical amendments — four-hundred-and-fifty — that will simply be rejected, one by one, during an exhausting process that will embarrass the United States around the world and in Heaven. HAW HAW HAW.

As the Washington Independent points out, hundreds of the amendments are along these lines: WILL A SWING STATE LOSE JOBS? (Probably!) (But they’ll lose more when the EARTH MELTS in 20 years though!)

* #30: “Suspends the act should more than 1,000 jobs in Indiana be lost due to the implementation of this Act.”
* #31: “Suspends the act should more than 2,000 jobs in Indiana be lost due to the implementation of this Act.”
* #32: “Suspends the act should more than 5,000 jobs in Indiana be lost due to the implementation of this Act.”
* #33: “Suspends the act should more than 10,000 jobs in Indiana be lost due to the implementation of this Act.”
* #34: “Suspends the act should more than 50,000 jobs in Indiana be lost due to the implementation of this Act.”


And here’s Joe Barton saying Henry Waxman “doesn’t have the nuts” to, uh, ignore Joe Barton. Does he know Henry Waxman?

And the Guerilla War Begins… [Washington Independent]

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

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  1. chascates

    “I’m going to be the sneaky little guy that pops up from behind the bush and fights the guerrilla. But guerrilla warfare does succeed sometimes.”

    So if the guerrilla wins then you lose, Joe Boy.

  2. mookworthjwilson

    I think the only amendment that would pass would be #451: “Suspends the act should Congressman Joe Barton subject himself to anal rape by a gorilla.”

  3. Professor Proffy McProfalton, Prof.

    1. Stay classy, Joe Barton.

    2. Here Waxman is, having Rahm Emanuel calling him every day saying, “Henry, just keep it in check. We need something. I know you think we’re giving it all away to the utilities, but don’t fuck this up. And then Joe Gotcha chimes in. Even Rahmbo won’t be able to hold Waxman back.

    4. Joe doesn’t have the nuts either. Trucknutz.

  4. Hooray For Anything

    I know this isn’t quite a snarky thing to say, but here it is anyways– I fucking hate Republicans.

  5. Cape Clod

    “I’m going to be the sneaky little guy that pops up from behind the bush and fights the guerrilla. But guerrilla warfare does succeed sometimes.”

    But what if you are on a conveyor belt and the gorilla starts throwing barrels at you? Huh, Congressman rat-face? That’s what happens when you take on Waxman.

    Honestly I have no idea what the fuck he is geting at with that metaphor.

  6. TGY

    Does he know Henry Waxman?

    Henry Waxman will eat this fucker and his vaudeville act for breakfast like Wheaties.

  7. Red Zeppelin

    How could anyone, even in Texas, vote for this fuck? He looks like he wants to sell you a car that will die halfway to Amarillo and then try to sell you an extended warranty that costs more than the car’s blue book.

  8. SayItWithWookies

    Based on his knowledge of guerilla warfare, it’s no surprise that he spent the Vietnam years at — Texas A&M.

  9. kthxbai...also

    This doesn’t top his question about the origins of oil.

    It doesn’t even come close.

  10. TGY

    [re=319488]Cape Clod[/re]: Yes, yes, he apparently meant that ‘gorilla warfare’ is when you fight a gorilla. In conclusion: no brains, and perhaps only one ball.

  11. Advocatus_Diaboli

    Nice waste of taxpayer money having your staff draft all those stupid amendments, asshole.

  12. Mr Blifil

    I would like to be the sneaky little guy who comes up to the distinguished gentleman and pees in his mouth.

  13. bitchincamaro

    Does this have anything to do with liquor in the front and poker in the rear?

  14. Mr Blifil

    BTW I’m confused, he wants to hold some dude’s pecker, or some dude’s nutz? Or is it the other way around?

  15. ManchuCandidate

    Hey Joe, where you goin’ with that pen in your hand
    Hey Joe, I said where you goin’ with that pen in your hand

    I’m going down to mess with Pelosi
    You know, I’ve caught her messin’ around with my oil pals
    I’m going down to mess with Pelosi
    You know, I’ve caught her messin’ around with my oil pals
    And that ain’t too cool

    Hey Joe, said now
    Where you gonna run to now?
    Where you gonna run to?
    Hey Joe, I said where you gonna run to now?
    Where you, where you gonna go?
    Well, dig it

    I’m goin’ way down south,
    Way down to TEXACO way
    I’m goin’ way down south,
    Way down where I can be free
    Ain’t no one gonna find me

    Ain’t no global warning gonna,
    It ain’t gonna dry out Texas around me
    You better believe it right now
    I gotta go now
    Hey Joe, you better run on down
    Good by everybody
    Hey Joe, uhh
    Run on down

  16. GreatOldOnesParty

    “sneaky little guy that pops up from behind the bush” (a guerilla) “and fights the guerilla.”

  17. Mustang

    “Opossum-eyed Jesus geologist Joe Barton, Republican Congressman”

    Very good, but seriously, what IS wrong with his eyes? If you really look at them, it starts to get scary. And then oh-oh you’re looking at the rest of his face. Where are his lips? And how does he get his face to contort like that?

  18. gurukalehuru

    Is this the same Texas Republican dumbfuck who didn’t understand the whole plate tectonics thingie, or was that a different Texas republican dumbfuck?

    I sure would love it if some reporter would ask him, point blank, if he knows the difference between a gorilla and a guerilla because, obviously, he doesn’t. Not holding my breath, though.

  19. x111e7thst

    Sometimes it just makes me sad. Can someone bring me warm milk and delicious cookies?
    And tell me a comforting story about trucknutz and buttsecks? Please?

  20. Come here a minute

    Yeah, this guy clearly thinks the derivation for the term “guerilla warfare” has something to do with little guys fighting gorillas. Hooray for Texas edumacation!!!

  21. Tommmcatt

    I know! Let’s write 50 amendments so that each state can selectively opt out of the legislation instead of writing one amendment that allows any state opt opt out, should they so desire. That’s strategy!

    The stupidity is non-euclidean, like a closet in some Lovecraft story that unfolds into unknown dimensions of ether and madness. Only in this case the ether would be bloviation, and the madness would be failure.

  22. FlamingSooner

    He may have sat out the Viet Nam War in College Station, but he still got to wear a cool nazi-ish uniform…so that time was a double win for the marsupially ocular douchenozzle.

  23. JMP

    Dear Congressman Barton;

    Just as you need second-grade science explained to you, so it appears you also need help with second-grade English, or Language Arts. Our language contains a number of words which are what we call either homophones or homonyms; no, this does not mean that they are gay, but that the words have the same pronunciation, but are different words with completely separate, unrelated meanings. Common ones include to, too and two, and for and four (ignore the AOL users, those are not interchangeable). Normally one can tell from the context of a sentence which word is meant when one hears it. For more information, see old episodes of “The Electric Company”.

  24. queeraselvis v 2.0

    [re=319512]Mustang[/re]: That’s what happens when you douche with Drano.

  25. x111e7thst

    [re=319528]Tommmcatt[/re]: In the first place, the patient seemed oddly older than his twenty-six years would warrant. Mental disturbance, it is true, will age one rapidly; but the face of this young man had taken on a subtle cast which only the very aged normally acquire. In the second place, his organic processes shewed a certain queerness of proportion which nothing in medical experience can parallel.

    Which also answers Mustang’s question about those strange oppossum eyes -

  26. Hawaiiexpat

    Every time there’s (yet) another post about some ignorant Republican saying something absolutely stuipd, a puppy dies.

    Michele Bachmann is personally responsible for the extinction of a couple of dozen canine breeds.

  27. liquiddaddy

    The cartoon thought bubble above my head says:

    In 911 tapes released by police Tuesday night, Travis can be heard grunting as Herold cries for help: “He’s killing my friend!”

    The dispatcher says, “Who’s killing your friend?”

    Herold replies, “My chimpanzee! He ripped her apart! Shoot him, shoot him!”

    “Hurry, please! He ripped her face off,” she is heard begging.

  28. FMA

    [re=319512]Mustang[/re]: Inbreeding. Seriously, that face has all of the signs of a gene pool where diving is not allowed.

  29. OReillysVibrator

    Remember when it wasn’t a given that a right-wing Republican would have a fascination with a euphemism to a male’s testicles?

  30. azw88

    [re=319512]Mustang[/re]: he’s winkin’ at ya! You Betcha! A trick he learned from the snowbillie herself

  31. dijetlo

    [re=319519]gurukalehuru[/re]: s this the same Texas Republican dumbfuck who didn’t understand the whole plate tectonics thingie, or was that a different Texas republican dumbfuck?

    I’ve lost track as well, so you know what that means, we’re going to have to start tagging ‘em.
    I’ll get the jeep warmed up, you get the tranqs loaded in the dart gun, we’s goin’ to Texas!

  32. McDuff

    [re=319550]Crab1[/re]: Careful — I’ve got a cousin and a father-in-law from Texas.

    Well, come to think of it, neither of them were born there, they just moved there later in life for work, so that probably explains their lack of dildo-ness.

  33. MrsNateSilver

    He looks like a malevolent creepy creton from Harry Potter or sumpfin, like, Sir Gimptard the Boinxboizalot. C’mere, young fella. I got some ice cream and pie fer yah.

  34. Lord Growing

    Points for not saying, “That Jew doesn’t have the nuts.”
    Credit where it’s due.

  35. Chickensmack

    [re=319590]Lord Growing[/re]: He also didn’t say that it’s better to fight ‘em there than here, or “The sanctions aren’t working!”, or “There you go again.”

    But he did say “Nuts.” Thrice. That’s a lot of filth for a conservative to say in one sitting.

  36. Chickensmack

    He does, ironically, look like the progeny of Gene Roddenberry and L. Ron Hubbard, however.

  37. bobwurst


    Yeah, I think he’s wearing the “Old Man Child Molester” mask his grandson wore for Halloween last year, or else he’s a child molester. One or the other.

  38. Aloysius

    [re=319525]x111e7thst[/re]: How ’bout this: Barton is from a shitty little area south of Dallas known for 1) contributing to the generally poor air quality in North Texas, and 2) interstate bathrooms that don’t tell. In addition to not knowing the double meaning of tea-bagging, many of the area’s denizens consider trucknutz to be a more durable alternative to the tanned-leather bull scrotums that they actually do hang from the back of their trailer hitches. There’s also a Russel-Stover’s outlet somewhere down there.

    There you have it: Texas reality snarking the shit out of itself. I think I covered your demands.

  39. x111e7thst

    [re=319633]Aloysius[/re]: NYC is already planning the seawalls it’s going to need to remain habitable (at least for a while) as the oceans rise. This assclown thinks he is fighting a gorrilla to defeat the legislation that might make the impending catastrophe a little less catastropic. I thank you for your kind efforts (truly) but I’m still torn between crying and stabbing someone.

  40. CollegeStudent

    Rule one of Gorilla Warfare: Don’t tell the Gorilla where you will be hiding.

  41. mrpuma2u

    [re=319599]Joehoya[/re]: Alas that it were true… I would pay good money to see this beady eyed perpatrator of legislative douchbaggery get flung at high speed and bounced off a wall by a silverback male.

  42. Beau Radley

    [re=319519]gurukalehuru[/re]: They obviously mean the same thing ’cause they’re both pronounced GO-rilla. Sheesh!

  43. 19kevin8

    Wait, he represents Indiana from Texas? Huh? Did the Texas plate slide up the midwest in the last two weeks?

  44. Darkness

    [re=319488]Cape Clod[/re]: Honestly I have no idea what the fuck he is geting at with that metaphor.

    Saddest of all, neither does he, Capey, neither does he…

  45. DemmeFatale

    I was thinking Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, but opossum eyes is better (as usual).
    Is he related to Rudy “ferret-face” Giuliani?

    BTW, secede already!!

  46. Zorg

    Joe Barton. Pete Sessions. John Culberson. Shelley Sekula-Gibbs. Ron Paul. Charlie Wilson. Phil Graham. John Cornyn. And, the greatest of all, Tom Delay. Texas voters seem to like their representatives in Congress to be certifiable and semi-educated. They elect these lunatics because it shows the rest of the country that, like Sailor’s snakeskin jacket in “Wild at Heart,” “This … symbolizes my individuality and belief in personal freedom.” And, the rest of the US usually and correctly responds the way the customer in the bar responds to Sailor, by saying “Asshole!”

  47. Jukesgrrl

    Can’t he go help Bush cut brush? Maybe he’d get those words mixed up, too, and cut Bush.

  48. DustBowlBlues

    May I take this opportunity to point out that it’s nice to hear you people shitting all over Texas for a change?

  49. BlueStateLibtard

    [re=319739]DustBowlBlues[/re]: You’re welcome. One time I HAD to go there (for work) and almost puked all over in the car when I had to drive on the George H. Bush Highway–a goddamn toll road of course!

  50. Toonces

    [re=319499]Advocatus_Diaboli[/re]: It’s a real shame that staff actually had to draft all this crap up. It’s not like Mr. Jesus-Rode-A-Dinosaur actually wrote all this bullshit. A total waste of time and energy put towards nothing instead of coming up with a sensible, realistic counter-proposal. Assclown.

  51. Tommmcatt



  52. Tommmcatt


    I came to the age of majority within the last 25 years, so the answer to that would be: No.

  53. DustBowlBlues

    [re=319661]hobospacejunkie[/re]: guerilla, gorilla. Thanks. Call me the Phoebe tonight. I zoomed over it real fast and missed that. The Oklahoma Democratic party passed a resolution at the convention last Saturday asking the governor to veto the secession bill. It was by voice vote and a good thing that no one against it. Everyone was laughing so hard it would have been hard to get an accurate voice votes.

    A civil war history prof in front of me was laughing esp. hard. And so it goes down here in Jesustan.

  54. TeddyS

    Waco keeps electing him to Congress just for laughs because there is nothing funny in Waco.


    Blessed be the mixed thread cheeseburgers of the third Horseman, whose horse is of fire and is named Quarterpounder. — Palindriticus 1:23

  55. prophet1195

    Waxman should ask him if he wants a bj, then kick him so hard he’s wearing his gonads for a hat!

  56. donner_froh

    Waxman began the year by kicking John Dingell out of his committee chairmanship so he could push this bill through. Dingell was one of the last old time committee chairman and would eat punks like Joe Barton for breakfast. Waxman stick him through an office shredder.

  57. Zadig

    Sometimes you’re fucking the gorilla, and 99% of the time the gorilla’s fucking you.

  58. Gaffey O'FootinMouth aka Joe Biden

    Ole Joe Biden’s gonna be pissed. Dude can’t spell Delaware correctly in #237.

  59. kentuckienne2

    [re=319499]Advocatus_Diaboli[/re]: Well, in fairness, it looks like it was more a process of “find and replace” than “draft.” You could totally have an intern do it, or perhaps a congressional page.

Comments are closed.