vital state secrets

Cheney’s Secret Bunker Was … In His Basement?

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Bunker/abbatoir, actually.Well, this is rather confusing news! Apparently at that Gridiron Club dinner, the one where President Obama “pulled a Cleveland” and didn’t show up, Joe Biden blabbed some thing to his dining companions that he should not have blabbed. Unbelievable, no?

He mentioned that there was an actual fancy underground lair beneath the Naval Observatory, where “his most trusted aides were stationed” “when Cheney was in lock down.” (But where did Cheney go?)

Depending on which whose reader comments you look at, this news about the bunker is either not news at all, or it is a felony breach of national security. And the VP either hides under his house like a common hobo during national emergencies, or he just hides his advisers there, or the whole lot of them go to some cave in Pennsylvania. Either way, it’s hard to see how the terrorists don’t win.

Biden Reveals Location of Secret VP Bunker [Fox News]

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Sara K. Smith was Wonkette's morning editor from 2008 to 2010, and now contributes a weekly (?!) column to Wonkette, to prove she still loves you all!

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Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • blogslut

    Remember the Alamo! doesn’t have a basement.

  • stink, but

    I’ve heard that Cheney took shelter from the terrifying world by routinely sticking his head up his own ass.

  • NoWireHangers

    [re=319136]blogslut[/re]: bonjour, Pee Wee

  • Scrodd

    I knew it, not only was Cheney running the government from that cellar, he was also the guy running 4chan. Pure evil.

  • Crab1

    So what. My wife let me build a man cave in the basement at our house and my buddies hang out there during localized domestic crises such as yesterday’s couples baby shower. Playoffs, man.

  • JMP

    Yes, how dare the Vice-President mention details about his own house! What will future tough-talking, torture-loving VPs who run underground and hide every time they get scared do now? Why, next Obama might blab about the secret bunkers under the White House; you know, the one that’s been on 24, the West Wing and just about every alien invasion movie ever made.

  • NoWireHangers

    Dick Cheney had a secret torture isolation chamber fallout shelter masturbatorium in the basement of his house? Well, tell the Wonkette commenters something they didn’t know. We TOLD Joe to burn sage in that house. There be demons in thar.

  • ShaqsDong

    Who’s in a bunker?
    Who’s in a bunker?
    Biden and Cheney first
    And the Cheney first
    And the Cheney first

  • Lascauxcaveman

    Hey, why not the basement. There’s like a pool table and a ping pong table, a fridge full of Grape Crush. It’s awesome!

  • freakishlystrong

    “Hey! libos and weak demos,(that dont know any better), well i guess your becoming a little worried now that you put these 2 a**h***s in office. Not yet!…well just wait a little longer. You elected these two traitors to our country and our way of life so be it. But, be prepared for world war 3 because it’coming. Dont think for one minute, however that us real Americans will ever, say again ever, live under any for form of goverment other then the good USA. You betcha!! PS. One last thought, Im willing to bet, that I fought to save you or your parents a***s while you or your dad never fought to save mine!! PLs. dont respond, I would believe your kind anyway!”
    This sounds like Mr Blifil phoning one in. Is there a high tide on the Wingnuttery? It’s only been three months, remember Nuts is’s a marathon not a sprint…

  • Internally valid

    Cheney’s a genius, hiding himself purloined letter style.

  • queeraselvis v 2.0


  • GreyPanter

    What a clever place to hide a bunker. The terrorists would never think to look there. Unless, of course, Bin Laden got the report “Honky Leaders Learn to Dig.”

  • x111e7thst

    [re=319141]Scrodd[/re]: He alway did exude the distinctive aroma of the fanboy.

  • pat robertsons personal trainer

    We’re not scaremongering
    This is really happening
    We’re not scaremongering
    This is really happening

  • bago

    [re=319149]freakishlystrong[/re]: There have been theories about peak wingnut but each time you get close someone moves the goalposts. The latest theories involve the wingularity.

  • bago

    [re=319154]GreyPanter[/re]: Especially after this in the Washington Post.

    The blasts, which last three to five seconds apiece, have been going off two or three times a day — as early as 7 a.m. and as late as 11 p.m. — for nearly two months, residents say. But neighbors have received so little information from government officials about the top-secret project that speculation is running wild.

    The leading theory: A security bunker is being built for Vice President Cheney. The second most-popular guess: The government is digging tunnels to spy on nearby embassies. In third place: A helicopter hangar is under construction.

  • bago


    The blasts, which last three to five seconds apiece, have been going off two or three times a day — as early as 7 a.m. and as late as 11 p.m. — for nearly two months, residents say. But neighbors have received so little information from government officials about the top-secret project that speculation is running wild.

    The leading theory: A security bunker is being built for Vice President Cheney. The second most-popular guess: The government is digging tunnels to spy on nearby embassies. In third place: A helicopter hangar is under construction.

  • Cape Clod

    What a dope! Now all it’s going to take is Jim Brown stuffing hand grenades down the airshafts to eliminate our beloved VP.

  • BlueStateLibtard

    Wait, I thought only unemployed bloggers in pajamas hang out in their basements?

  • proudgrampa

    I just wish Cheney (both of them) would crawl back into their bunkers and STFU!

  • x111e7thst

    [re=319167]BlueStateLibtard[/re]: Nope, the aforementioned hang out in their moms’ basements.

  • McDuff

    Yeah, great, Joe lets slip one of those Washington “secrets” that anybody who lives here already knows all about. Even out-of-town tourists could see the digging at Chez Cheney from the tower of the National Cathedral — I took my mom up there in 2002 just to point it out.

    Maybe Joe will next broadcast the existence of the Mt. Weather bunker (there used to be sign for the turn-off on Route 50), the Site R bunker, the tunnel between the White House and the Treasury Dept., the Secret Service sniper perch on top of the Willard Hotel, or the special jail under the Andrew Jackson statue in Lafayette Square that holds Zanthor the alien from Alpha Centuri 4.

  • widestanceromancer

    How many incest babies will Cheney raise in his tricked-out bunker?

  • GreyPanter

    [re=319162]bago[/re]: Fourth most popular theory: Dick Cheney is practicing with his shotgun.

  • TGY

    Could it be that Fox news is just full of shit? Details at 11!

  • Blender

    What’s the issue here? He had to have somewhere to go after Mama Cheney finally kicked him out of *her* basement so she could turn it into a pantry.

  • monthlykos

    You know folks, as the saying goes “it’s not paranoia if they really are out to get you.” Also, I’m thinking of Cheney shouting down the abandoned well “It rubs the skin cream all over itself!”

  • Crank Tango

    Trucknutz is die!

  • RobPetrified

    I always thought that Cheney went to Ibezia to work on his tan and blow young ninos.
    And Biden BLEW this sweet VP deal?
    What is he, a future Presidential candidate or something?
    Forget it, Joe.
    Charlie Crist is the next POTUS.

  • 19kevin8

    Cheney’s basement was his secret bunker? And to think, all this time I thought that was where he hid the bodies.

  • Come here a minute

    I hope Biden has cleared out Cheney’s warehouse of precious bodily fluids.

  • Terry


    There was also an article in the Post a few years back about neighbors around the Naval Observatory complaining about the odd, unexplained underground blasting that was going on. Either they were expanding/enhancing the Underground Lair ™ or Cheney was down the basement watching tv after a big chili dinner.

  • Sussemilch

    “Secret Bunker” was just Cheney’s code talk for prostitutes.

  • WadISay

    Cheney goes upstairs to get in the basement.

  • freakishlystrong

    [re=319167]BlueStateLibtard[/re]: Wait, I thought only unemployed bloggers in pajamas hang out in their basements? No, we hang out in our PARENT’S basements…

  • Ahneta

    Man, this is so anticlimactic. I was envisioning a cross between a hollowed-out volcano and the Marquis de Sade’s summer home in Cabo.

  • McDuff

    [re=319191]Terry[/re]: Then there was the story about the secret tunnel we built under the Soviet embassy in DC —

  • chascates

    “Biden’s revelation is one that could cause millions of Americans to die if there is a strong WMD attack in the Washington area.”


  • paintitblack

    It would have been better for all of us, if Cheney had just followed the example of Broadcom founder, Henry Nichols, who ripped off his investors to build a hookers ‘n blow fuckatorium/bunker under his Orange County mansion:

  • bago

    [re=319235]chascates[/re]: Forget it man. It’s Cheneytown.

  • ignatius_riley

    [re=319177]TGY[/re]: Thankfully Fox News has been keeping a handy tally of all of Biden’s gaffes – there is a link right under the story, for our convenience! They are right on top of America’s Most Important News.

  • Gopherit

    But how are the terrorists going to find the VP S&M Dungeon/Masturbatorium if Cheney had it scrubbed from Google Earth? It’s unpossible!

  • Hart88

    So I fixed up the basement with
    What I was a-workin’ with
    Stocked it full of jelly jars
    And heavy equipment
    We’re in the basement

  • CivicHoliday

    Yes, I am shocked, just SHOCKED by this revelation! I’d always thought that Cheney took his house off Google Earth because he was embarrassed by how long he’d let his grass grow before cutting it.

  • takes12no1

    [re=319152]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: …and say you’re sorry damnit.

  • snideinplainsight

    There’s nothing like watching TV all night underground –

  • Gopherit

    I think they had that deer Vince Fostered. It just knew too much.

  • snideinplainsight

    Biden’s just sore because he couldn’t beat Cheney at beer pong!

    No, seriously, this just causes me to further question Cheney’s sanity. Let’s say, for instance, the bad guy terrorists wanted to blow up Dick Cheney. If they knew where his secret underground hideout is, then they’d blow up the Naval Observatory, because that’s where it is. But, if they didn’t know where his secret underground hideout is, then they’d just probably blow up the Naval Observatory, because that is his freaking mailing address!! Brilliant!! Am I missing something here?

  • Red Zeppelin

    My guess he hasn’t yet discovered the freight elevator to hell, the subterranean army of undead, or the fetus organ farm down there yet. Maybe when he starts spring cleaning.

  • chascates

    It’s possible the terrorists read the Washington Post and already knew of this:

    Cheney’s Home Sending Bad Vibrations
    Construction Blasts Have D.C. Folks Shuddering, Speculating
    Sunday, December 8, 2002; Page A01

  • sagebrush

    Cheney had the Naval Observatory removed from Google Earth so he could be in an “undisclosed location” when he was actually just watching TV in his basement. What did Joe Biden do with all the torture equipment down there, though?

  • nbawriter

    [re=319138]NoWireHangers[/re]: Flahfwahfa Simone!

  • nbawriter

    Great, just great … now we have to move the secret bunker to the attic. Do you know how hot it gets up there in August? Jesus Freaking Christ.

  • snideinplainsight

    Driving across town to an undisclosed location/bomb shelter/secret underground lair us just so (sigh) inconvenient – first you’ve got to round up your secret service detail, put a couple loaded shotguns in the armored limo (in case of ducks), get your motorcade scheduled, or else a black helicopter, your air cover, bio-hazard contingency team, airborne toxic event(tm) kit, plus snacks – it just takes forever. The whole first quarter is over before you even get “in position”, if you’re not planning ahead.

    How much better just to push the button in the Shakespeare bust and slide down the poles, and you’re already in your cowl and tights by the time you’ve reached the bottom. Also.

  • mrpuma2u

    All this time I thought Shotgun Dick was down in Fraggle Rock. This is such an anti-climax. Sheeit, I used to hide in my basement playing video games in my first marriage. I had a beer fridge and everything.

  • AxmxZ

    …It’s a matter of national security that we now know the Naval Observatory has a basement? Doesn’t, like, *every* building pretty much have a basement?

  • Zorg

    Not one post speculating about the true identity of Cheney’s gimp?

  • nader paul kucinich gravel

    Construction had to be expedited because Chicken-hawk Cheney feared real operators might not swallow the 911 cover story.

  • Bruno

    We need to know if Cheney’s underground lair was as well appointed as Saddam’s rathole or Osama’s cave.

    However, I really hope it was full of alien technology and super secret 007 stuff.

  • engulfedinflames

    who’d have guessed that a guy with 5 deferments would be a great big fraidy-cat? where’s wyoming and why? how much longer can he continue to steal my perfectly good oxygen?

  • nader paul kucinich gravel

    The F├╝hrerbunker had nothing on Cheney’s!
    “Damn the expense, get the best”

  • Aurelio

    “In December 2002, neighbors complained of loud construction work being done at the Naval Observatory, which has been used as a residence by vice presidents since 1974.

    The upset neighbors were sent a letter by the observatory’s superintendent, calling the work “sensitive in nature” and “classified” and that it was urgent it be completed “on a highly accelerated schedule.”

    Residents said they believed workers were digging deep into the ground, which would support Biden’s report of a secret bunker, but officials never confirmed the purpose of the work performed.” LINK

  • azw88

    Maybe Joe Biden will enter it in some teevee show about he-man man caves, showing off the totally cool water-boarding ‘table’, thumbscrews, genital cattle prods, anal inspection specula, et al.
    (wow, Cheney must be a gay dominatrix)

  • bitchincamaro

    [re=319450]azw88[/re]: +1 for anal inspection specula

  • the problem child

    [re=319387]Zorg[/re]: We only know that it will get the hose again.

  • jbd

    [re=319144]NoWireHangers[/re]: That’s immediately where my mind went. +1.

  • thefrontpage

    Just as long as Zanthor doesn’t escape from under Bunker X in Lafayette Square, I’m okay with all of this.

  • Ohio Wonkette Fan

    Dude, my Dad used to always act like he was farming to get away from Mom; my uncle would go into the woods and drink beer to avoid Dad’s sister (the uncle’s wife); they were all leftys, granted in a sort of screw off, we just got back from WWII sort of way. Wow, how cool; it all makes sense now.

  • Ohio Wonkette Fan

    [re=319387]Zorg[/re]: wouldn’t be “scooter”; I mean as the gimp, you know?

  • Ohio Wonkette Fan

    Dog, he could have been hitting the pipe and didn’t want W. to know. Maybe that’s why they had to skip “Nam”, couldn’t pass those circa 1968 piss tests.

  • zhubajie

    [re=319192]Sussemilch[/re]: Here I assumed that Cheney had a harem of eunuchs!

    Zhu Bajie

  • namiller101

    Cheney is the only VP that needed to hide.

  • jeets

    To Crab 1: I’m with you dude. When my ex used to get pissed at me, she would banish me to the basement. Loved it!! Had a cavernous room with 50″ projection TV with unbelievble pict. You could see the peach fuzz on a gal’s lip. Had bar, toilet, kitchen, fridge always loaded with brew, private entry to driveway, and big sliding doors out back with great landscaping, fragrant flowers, covered patio table and dim christmas party lites for nite time card games and other all nite funster stuff, rain or shine. It was like party central.

    As far as telling world that VP house has basement, it is as important as saying it has a first floor. The non-news, non-event reporters write about and that everyone else wants to see heads roll faster than during the reign of terror is beyond comprehension. What do you think? Should Biden commit more treason and tell them the house has a roof, electric lights and indoor plumbing? Dem’s and Pub’s? Do they agree about anything at all? I bet you they would fight over what color the sky is.

  • jeets

    By the way, I love all the replies, Makes Leno, Letterman, and Cone-Head look like wannabes. I haven’t laughed my ass off this much since beatnik Bill Clinton got double duty from a cigar.