Wonkette
Oh hey has everyone seen that GQ article by the perpetually awesome Robert Draper about how completely insane the Defense Department went under the crazed leadership of lilliputian despot Donald Rumsfeld? GOOD GOLLY, as Rumsfeld would say.
Let’s see, so first and most egregiously, Rumsfeld would hand-deliver these briefing documents to the president during the early days of the war, and the briefs had covers with photos from the war combined with Biblical quotes. So cheesy, right? And the layouts, jesus god, did the Defense Department have not a single queer atheist designer who might have made this shit not look like a PTA newsletter from 1980? Yellow drop-shadows, seriously?
Also: separation of church and state, creepily explicit overtones of the Crusades, Muslims not liking it so much when you make war on them while quoting Jesus, etc. Whatever! Rumsfeld didn’t believe any of that shit anyhow! But he knew that 1) Bush would be impressed with Bible quotes all over his war briefings and 2) Bush probably wouldn’t read past the cover anyhow, so the cover really had to count.
Ugh. Also, Rumsfeld spent most of his time as Defense Secretary just getting out of doing his homework.
At meetings, he’d throw up every obstacle he could. “Rumsfeld would say, ‘Golly, we haven’t had time to read all of these documents! I mean, this is radical change!’ ” the official adds. “And then, if you suggested that maybe he should’ve read all the documents when everyone first got them a week ago, he’d say: ‘Well! I’ve been all over the world since then! What have you been doing?’ ”
Fucking drama queen. And he was just an awful man in every way, a woman-hating bully, a profound delayer of important action, a shirker of responsibility, and a man who turned everything he touched into shit. In short, he embodied everything terrible about the Bush presidency, and maybe somehow this is Republicans’ way of shifting the blame for its horrible failure from the president to the SecDef? DOUCHEBAGS ALL.
Military intelligence briefing cover courtesy of blogslut.
“Fucking drama queen. And he was just an awful man in every way, a woman-hating bully, a profound delayer of important action, a shirker of responsibility, and a man who turned everything he touched into shit. In short, he embodied everything terrible about the Bush presidency, and maybe somehow this is Republicans’ way of shifting the blame for its horrible failure from the president to the SecDef? DOUCHEBAGS ALL.”
How can anyone top that? Sara, well said!
What did Billy Dee Williams do to the Donald to deserve getting his mug on there? I admit his Lando Star Wars role wasn’t the best, but surely he didn’t deserve to be waterboarded for it.
“Jesus wept.”
I liked him better when had that faggy crew cut in the 70s under Nixon.
>>maybe somehow this is Republicans’ way of shifting the blame for its horrible failure from the president to the SecDef?
Who hired Rumsfeld? Who didn’t accept his supposed three resignations? HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM????
“If a man lies with a male as he lies with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination. They shall surely be put to death.” Lev 20:13
Buttsecks?
Texan Bulldoggette: My apologies to Samuel L. Jackson–didn’t recognize the brother with a Jeri curl. Nice handle. Also.
Fucking Rummy stole the idea from In’N Out Burger.
I’m glad though Rummy never ran a burger chain. His burgers would never leave your colon, cause massive intestinal disruptions, steal all nutrients from your body and would be woefully unprepared for the intestinal bacteria uprising.
Texan Bulldoggette: I think Rummy ordered the use of Colt .45 instead of water, so it’s OK.
If only the Rummy-Cheney War were only as entertaining as Pulp Fiction. If only.
Oh my imaginary god. Looking at the covers, it really does look like a modern-day crusade. No wonder we’ve had a problem with soldiers trying to convert Iraqis & Afghanis. These idiots really were following Coulter’s advice.
Ugh. Also, Rumsfeld spent most of his time as Defense Secretary just getting out of doing his homework.
Lazy, blames “circumstances” for not being prepared for decisions, doesn’t take responsiblity–and troops wondered why had to drive through minefields and IED filled roads in armored SUVs. They were lucky they had any vehicles at all with Rumsfeld at the top.
“And yea, all the Douchebags that were in the land, came up to “The One” and said, “Pardon us, Hussein, for we have sinned.”"
Handle via BADASS MOTHERFUCKER Channels Jointly
Shut yo mouth!
You didn’t even touch on the Katrina debacle. Rummy didn’t want to use Federal troops for a domestic project cause they are HIS troops, got it?!?! HIS! DON’T TOUCH RUMMY’S TROOPS!
WickedWitch: I’d rather see it like Reservoir Dogs, where they all kill each other in the end except for Steve Buscemi (Rice?)
Bush Rove Cheney Rummy
911 AIPAC Bankers
ManchuCandidate: ? What’s In’N Out Burger?
There’s something about the heady combination of vaguely homoerotic war porn and sententious Jesus-y piousness that makes me want to stick my dick in a Bible.
I don’t think “Nuke ‘em all and let God sort ‘em out” is an actual Bible quote.
Maybe the Book of Mormon.
And the woman was arrayed in purple and scarlet colour, and decked with gold and precious stones and pearls, having a golden cup in her hand full of abominations and filthiness of her fornication: And upon her forehead was a name written, MYSTERY, BABYLON THE GREAT, THE MOTHER OF HARLOTS AND ABOMINATIONS OF THE EARTH. And I saw the woman drunken with the blood of the saints, and with the blood of the martyrs of Jesus: and when I saw her, I wondered with great admiration. (Rev. 17:1-6)
I don’t know what it means, either, but I thought it was some cold-ass smack to say before I busted a cap in someone.
HomoPolitico: It’s rather clear each and every one of us will someday be put to death, so color me unimpressed.
The more I think about it, there’s a lot of fun to be had playing “Who symbolizes Who?”
Marcellus Wallace = Bush & Cheney?
Vincent Vega & Jules Winnfield = The CIA?
Mia Wallace = Condi?
Who is the unlucky bastard, Marvin, who gets shot in the face?
Thanks for using my graphic, Sarah.
Mr Blifil: Details please? I wish to revel in the minutae.
Rumsfeld = bad coffee breath.
I hope Rummy lives long enough to realize how much he screwed up and then he goes on for another hundred years filled with such self loathing that he cuts himself daily and rubs salt in his wounds just to feel better.
jeez finally someone said it. out of the endless coverage of this shit, only wonkette noticed how pathetic the design element was on those delicate cover sheets. they seem to have a certain je ne sais quoias (i don’t know how to spell that so i added most of the vowels) about them..something a la drudge report. …could it be? could one matt drudge have created these tender, fleeting documents of jesus-war slash?
But these cover sheets KEPT US SAFE!
queeraselvis v 2.0: But I’m jus’ talkin’ ’bout Sam!
They’re not shifting the blame to Rummy, they’re shifting it to God.
Also, whatever happened to those gold bathroom faucets? Weighted on the scales and found wanting?
One week after 9/11, the Christian Science Monitor reported that Europeans were cringing and were very concerned about Bush’s use of the word “crusade”, fearing that it would spark a clash of civilizations. Wu Tang lyrics would have sufficed in these briefings. Rumsfeld is a flaming, fucking douchebag.
JMP: The western United States version of the Alaska Governor’s Mansion.
blogslut: Thank you for sparing me the hassle of making one from scratch!
Rumsfeld enjoyed shoving straight pins in his buttocks before meeting with the president, while wearing latex undergarments. That’s why he never sat down at work and constantly winced. He reaches a religious/sexual arousal state when the pain becomes unendurable. That’s why he seemed so distracted all the time.
But Rummy, bacon tastes gooood. Pork chops taste gooood.
Rumsfeld was so very consistent. Despite a super-easy rich kid youth on Chicago’s North Shore, he was an awful law school student (dropped out), an awful banker, and finally had to become a Congressional staffer, politics being the last refuge of a scoundrel. He was an awful Congressman before going to work for our most awful President, the Felon Nixon, for whom he did awful work, as he did for the other wingnuts who employed him. His biography should be entitled, “Shock and Awful.”
Lest we forget, Rummy the Chickenhawk was one of MacNamara’s favorite proteges. So….not so very surprising in retrospect.
This will go over big with the al quaida recruiters.
We could have undeniable video footage of Rumsfield and Cheney ass-raping and torturing American soldiers and we still will never prosecute.
Rummy waz a busy dude. freezin out the dying in NO from getting chopper relief flights, sending out his homemade church newsletters, fapping over his old memories of hittin Altovise in a group thing in Monaco then fapping some more over abu graib porn. what a dick.
It is God’s will that by doing good you should silence the ignorant talk of foolish men.
1 Peter 2:15
This one had a (bad) picture of Saddam on it — those folks were so clever!
blogslut: “Who is the unlucky bastard, Marvin, who gets shot in the face?”
Harry Whittington.
I love this one: “Commit to the LORD whatever you do, and your plans will succeed.”
LORD fail
Monsieur Grumpe: A friend of mine used to occasionally bang Don Rumsfeld’s Baltimore dominatrix. We spent four years trying to convince this domme to go to the media with her stor(ies).
But no. Apparently there’s some Sex Worker’s Professional Code that is more binding than lawyer/client privilege or the Catholic doctrine re the Secrets of the Confessional. She was one of the folks very upset with Tim Haggard’s prostitute/masseur for his “unprofessional” act of outing a paying client.
But, given the kinds of things Rumsfeld was rumored to have enjoyed at the domme’s parlor, rubbing salt into his own wounds or pounding spikes into his own taint would probably just give him Deep Joy.
…and the lion lays down with the lamb, but the lamb won’t be getting all that much sleep.
iolanthe: Next you’ll be telling me the nameless Baltimore dominatrix was none other than Keith Olbermann’s mother. In which case she would be beneath contempt.
Internally valid: That’s too easy!
iolanthe: Wow. That’s some moral code a bitch has who’s getting paid to lay open her pussy to the highest bitter. God forbid she be a snatch…um I mean…
Mr Blifil: I believe she prefers standing athwart contempt.
blogslut: So which one winds up getting butt raped in the end?
I’m waiting for Rumsfield to send out one his daughters on a media tour of excuses (e.g. Liz Cheney).
19kevin8: Powell, obviously.
Mr. Secretary, “Kill them all and let God sort ‘em out” isn’t in the Bible.
Mr Blifil: to be fair… none of the verses in the displayed covers are at all Jesus-y. They were mostly Old Testament-y Angry God™ and Jesus’ wacked-out folowers (can’t blame the guy for what happened after he left). Aparently Rummy somehow knew that the thing about the meek inheriting the earth, and peacemakers being blessed wasn’t going to play in the oval office.
No wonder we’re losing this war. Goddamn NIV translation couldn’t inspire a fundamentalist to visit to the Creationism museum, much less a Christian soldier to kill Muslins in a Holy Land Crusade.
19kevin8: Hopefully, Dick and Dubya. Then again, who would be Butch who saves Marsellus? And is Marsellus really redeemed? Was his soul washed clean? Who would then be Zed & Maynard? Who truly ends up at the business end of a pair of pliers and a blowtorch?
Too much thinkyness! Now I’m sorry I started this game.
lawrenceofthedesert: He probably killed Sharon Percy.
A pious Commander-in-Chief
Needs tailoring to his belief.
‘If you want him to look
You just quote the Good Book,’
Thought Rummy, adjusting his brief.
News Short n’ Sweet by JFD8
http://twitter.com/JFD8
I’m a mushroom cloud layin’ motherfucker, motherfucker!
say bitch be cool
blogslut: Hopey is Butch, who ends up saving Marcellus from a butt pounding by saying “It’s time to move beyond all this.”
american mutt: you’re the motherfucker should be on brain detail!
Rumsfeld of the Ballsy!
Fuckin’ hypocrites!
Lascauxcaveman: You know I love that idea! Even though he punched a man to death, Butch is the most righteous character in the movie - just like Hopey! Although, Butch didn’t exactly save Marsellus. More like he rescued him from the rape in progress. If Dubya & Cheney really = Marsellus, then they deserve a bit of unpleasantness, don’t you agree?
But maybe, the truth is Dubya & Cheney = Zed & Maynard?
This game is making my brain hurt. Nap time for me.
“Lamech married two women, one named Adah and the other Zillah.” Genesis 4:19
Libruls are showing disrespects for a winner of the American Medal of Freedom, Quentin Tarantino.
“There was exasperation,” recalls a senior aide. “‘How much more are we going to have to endure? Why are we keeping this guy?’”.
Because your bosses were fucking idiots?
Now we know who’s behind all the world’s crappy websites — partisan hacks at DOD. I’ve got some better graphics for them:
http://lostintarnation.blogspot.com/2009/05/chatter-and-verse-donald-rumsfelds.html
Guppy06: and norbizness: No, it’s attributed to a good Catholic abbot during the Cathar crusade, when he ordered something like 10,000 French men, women & children killed because the city of Beziers was a hotbed of heresy. Very Jesusy of him.
All snark aside, we are lucky we survived Bush’s terms.
Oh, I think it’s time we disbar, prosecute, and waterboard all these Bush administration fucks, and politely ask the pro-waterboard repugs to join them in solidarity.
Fun fact:
Most people who use the word “golly” in conversation have Tupperware containers full of human body parts in their refrigerators. 36% of these have the word “leftovers” written across the container in sharpie.
Also, since we’re talking about the Bushmaster here, Rummy should have used the picture of the tanks with the really long, thick guns still oozing sulfur laced smoke…we’d probably be in Tehran today if he knew anything about marketing to closeted homosexuals.
That cover at the top is a satirical one. Now, the real ones are unspoofable, hence the confusion.
I was inspired, so I made my own briefing cover, using MS Paint, no less.
MrsNateSilver: Niiiice.
dijetlo: “36% of these have the word “leftovers” written across the container in sharpie.”
My keyboard’s gonna pay the price on that one.
What’s really WIN about this is Chimpy was so dumb and unread that Rummy could just stick in any old bible sounding crap and get away with it. Like this:
“Ye though I say unto you, they shall raise up the least among them to the highest post and he shall appear as a monkee. The sheep shall follow and the lies shall flow like water from the sea. They shall believe his deceptions and follow him unto war with the wrong nation. And Cheney will shoot a guy in the face too.”
Lobotomy 9:11
19kevin8: Us?
I just saw a bumper sticker this weekend (Laurel, Maryland) “God bless our troops — especially the snipers”. Doesn’t anyone else but me see something wrong with this?
snideinplainsight: Not at all. I think it’s a very effective way of identifying which cars you should key as you’re walking through the parking lot.
Yet more evidence that Powerpoint is EVIL.
I love GQ. Where else can you vent your spleen and ogle the latest threads and tatas?
Why didn’t any of the cover sheets show Scumsfeld shaking hands with Saddam back in the eighties, when he was about to sell him helicopters that Saddam was going to use to gas the Kurds.
lawrenceofthedesert: Dont you mean Suck and Awful?
Sort of tells you something to realize that the revelation that these folks were snogging goats in the Oval Office between meetings not only wouldn’t seem very off-beat at this point, but would in fact sound suspicious … because such relatively innocent hijinx would require a level of basic humanity they plainly lack.
Donald “Unknown Unknowns” Rumsfeld - the gift that keeps on giving.
Like herpes.
But without the hot sex.
“Therefore, put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.”
Ephesians 6:13
Hahaaha it’s tragically funny because Rummy failed to properly equip our soldiers with the body and vehicle armor they needed oh man Rummy, you are a total fucking subhuman monstrosity.
obfuscator: You go to war with the armor of god you have, not the armor of god you’d like to have.
SayItWithWookies: You send other people’s sons and daughters to war with the armor of god you have, not the armor of god you’d like to have. You also keep twisted shards of the Twin Towers in your office as a conversation piece, because you are a malignant old fucking war demon, also.
best line: And the layouts, jesus god, did the Defense Department have not a single queer atheist designer who might have made this shit not look like a PTA newsletter from 1980?
snideinplainsight: They’re talking about the snipers that got the pirates? A militaristic pro-Hopey bumper sticker?