Wonkette
Did you know elections and vote-counting happen in places other than Minnesota? It’s true! Take, for example, India, where the monthlong (!) election just came to an end, and the results are coming in at this moment. Approximately a gigabyte of the country’s 700 million eligible voters went to the polls, which all used electronic voting machines, and the potential debacle seems to have gone off without any disasters, civil wars, coups, terrorism, piracy, PUMAs, or any discussion of gay marriage whatsoever. So, score one for Democracy! UPDATE: Prime Minister Manmohan Singh and Sonia & Rahul Gandhi’s Congress Party win big!
Whoa wait what is going on here? Wonkette commenter Jagorev asked if we’d do something on the crazy Indian elections, and we were all, why don’t you write about the crazy Indian elections if you love them so much, and he said okay, and here it is!
To make any sense of these exciting elections, you must know “The Players.” Then, you can understand snide articles in The Economist and be prepared for witty/knowledgeable cocktail chatter when, say, India and Pakistan have a nuclear war in space.
The Third Front: The Western media will call them “left wing” and ominously throw in the fact that there are “communists” involved, and there are, but mostly they’re a shaky coalition of small, rural, regional parties that represent India’s poor and historically disenfranchised. They are led by the hilariously corrupt Mayawati — who also happens to look exactly like a female Rod Blagojevich.
The BJP: Every country needs a party for the dumb nationalists and religious bigots. The BJP fulfills this role in India. While the BJP wasn’t so bad the last time they were in power, this time their leading figure is LK Advani, who is most well known for leading the demolition of a Muslim mosque, sparking riots nationwide that led to 2,000 deaths. So depressing! But apparently he’s mellowed a bit since then. And he has a blog!
However, Advani’s pretty old, and if the BJP wins Advani might just keep the seat warm until he is replaced by the sprightly young Narendra Modi — only 59 years old and the real star of the Indian right-wing (they define “young” differently in India). Businessmen love him, and the Muslim minority cowers in fear of him. Think of the efficiency and economic policy of Mitt Romney combined with the social charm and tolerance of Jesse Helms. In short: mini-Hitler.
Finally, there’s the Congress party, which represents the “sane,” “liberal,” “middle-class,” “pussy” wing of Indian politics. If they win, the current Prime Minister — Manmohan Singh, the economist whose policies made India’s economy work again after decades of no growth — might continue for a bit longer. But Singh is 77 years old, and he would definitely be a placeholder for the half-breed Italian Catholic Rahul Gandhi, the young, charming, well-educated, unaccomplished scion of the Gandhi family. He is India’s Caroline Kennedy, and will probably be Prime Minister eventually for that reason.
There are some other players. One likely compromise pick is Nitish Kumar, who has been pretty good at running the state of Bihar — a big, horrendous, chaotic place that holds a crapload of electoral votes. Think of it as India’s Florida, except that no one goes to Bihar voluntarily.
Follow election updates from the BBC here — looks like the Congress is doing pretty well so far and the Communists are getting clobbered, which might just end the beautiful dream of a Mayawati governmen.
– Wonkette’s Internet Indian Correspondent
No views. Ken, how did you already do an update? Or do you exist beyond time and space as I always expected?
Informed, rational political discourse? On Wonkette? Oh noes!
Ken, you spilled your ‘t.’
Yowza. Congress just kicked some seriously unexpected ass, unexpectedly. and right in the ass.
I am continuously worried about the Tamils. What party will propery repress them? I know there is a decent water boundary between Sri Lanka and India but those Tamil Tigers remind me of Mexican drug gangs and Mexicans are bad. How do we build a wall big enough to stop the Indian Mexicans coming into India?
Democracy without PUMAs = zzzzzzzzzz boooring.
Is there some way I can ‘caste’ a vote in this election. I saw Slumdog and have a lot of opinions now on Indian politics.
Too much emphasis on democracy. Not enough on birth control. Of course that opinion extends to the entire species.
BJP got its ass kicked. Good deal.
Mayawati is funny. She spends a lot of money on statues of herself.
Also. India is just fukking weird.
people there tie baloons to their penises
http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_bHJsS0yY2Hk/RfAEWJTT0wI/AAAAAAAAABc/fLReGjrxCJs/s1600-h/psadhu2.jpg
x111e7thst: Looks like he’s going to need more helium if he wants to get that pecker aloft.
Yes, but only in Minnesota is vote counting a way of life!
But will this improve the call centers?
I vote to make this a continuing feature!
I lost track of Indian politics past Partition.
Nice work Jagorev. Informative yet humorous while giving a good feel for the realities on the ground.
Considering that my knowledge of India up to now has been limited to Disney’s ‘The Jungle Book’, I was hoping Mowgli was going to be mentioned somewhere.
Cape Clod: I’m wondering if anyone’s taking care of their bear necesseties.
My now extremely hawt cousin came from the dirt-floor of a Calcutta orphanage.
Jagorev needs to have his own site called “I explain India to the Ignorant Amurkins”. This was excellent work! I like that Wonkette is expanding and setting up bureaus around the country & world - Shortsx3 in SF, Jagorev in India - just like the Real News used to before they lost all their money to political blogs. Take that, Peggy Noonan! Looks like we can have our “under cover for weeks in New Jersey”, or even better, in Foreign Lands, and our snark, too!
Custerwolf: OK, sure, but did she come ON the dirt floor of a Calcutta orphanage, hHHEEEENNGGG??
Can’t they just re-animate Indira Ghandi and make her dictator for life? That seemed to work well the last time.
So now we know “Jagorev”’s real surname. And Mr. Admin wasn’t kidding that Mayawati was separated at birth from twin brother Blago.
Thank Vishnu for peaceful elections conducted with Truth, Justice, and the Indian Way…
Boojum: I was wondering how long that was going to take.
I’m confused. Have the Wonkette editors been outsourced?
Custerwolf: I somehow missed that Jagorev’ link. Okay, Jagorev, you spilled your ‘t.’
jagorev’s first name is admi?
dementor: “Mr. Admin wasn’t kidding that Mayawati was separated at birth from twin brother Blago.”
As far as the hair goes though, she appears to be wearing the case Blago keeps his wig in.
What’s with the names of all those politicians? Manmohan, Rahul, Mayawati?? All the Indians I talk to on the phone (thanks, Qwest and Microsoft!) are named Brian, Heather, and Corky.
But kudos for the smooth election — 700 million eligible voters!! I guess there’s no word for “hanging chad” in any of their 12,000 languages. Although if you say “hanging chad” in English, but with one of those cute accents, it sounds even cuter.
Custerwolf: It takes a regrettably short time, apparently.
Monsieur Grumpe: LOL.
Nice job, Jagorev!
Thanks for the report, jagorev. Now I won’t have to read the Economist this week.
Thanks for posting, Ken
It’s kind of mind-blowing to think that 429 million people voted in a peaceful election.
Mola Ram sacrifices PUMAs to Kali, hence the smooth election.
Dammit! I read that thing over and over, and I kept reading “a female John Malkovich.” And I was all like, “where’s the ironic parody of media and popular culture?”
And then I barfed, and went back to reading AOL’s political section’s comments.
Maybe he should get a more AMERICAN-sounding name, so it’s, you know, easier for people to deal with that. Also.
Also, I forgot to mention that Rahul Gandhi’s dad was assassinated by the Tamil Tigers, just like JFK.
jagorev: They have grassy knolls in India?
The world’s largest democracy also has a long history of career politicians and dynasty candidates.
Zombie Gandhi ftw.
“Every country needs a party for the dumb nationalists and religious bigots. The BJP fulfills this role in India.”
Bobby Jindal’s running on the BJP Ticket?
Custerwolf: Yes. Mostly occupied by cows.
jagorev:
“a big, horrendous, chaotic place that holds a crapload of electoral votes. Think of it as India’s Florida, except that no one goes to Bihar voluntarily.”
Oh…you mean it’s exactly like Florida.
jagorev: Sort of like our Wal-Marts?
As a person of Indian descent I’d like to say for the record that my schlong is three times bigger than any of yours’.
India, huh? When’s Nobama going to apologize to them for the Trail of Tears?
suchsweetthunder: Wow, what are the odds? My vagina is three times deeper and tighter than the average female.
Lazy Media: Dots not feathers.
TEH INDIANS RE-ELEKTD A PRIME MINSTER WHO WHERES A TURBAN AN IS A SEKRIT MUSLIN JUST LIKE NOBAMAZ!!!!!11 XCEPT NOBAMAZ WHERES HIS TURBAN IN PRIVATE!!11
Srsly, can you imagine the shitstorm if a Sikh tried to run for national office here in US America? I think there was a SIkh who ran as a GOP Congress candidate in Louisiana once and he got a shamefully small proportion of the vote.
suchsweetthunder: “As a person of Indian descent I’d like to say for the record that my schlong is three times bigger than any of yours’.”
Well, I no doubt take you for your word and I know a country of 500+m men is bound to have a wide range of schlong sizes, those Imperialists at the BBC are begging to be taught better:
“Condoms ‘too big’ for Indian men”
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/south_asia/6161691.stm
Well, after sampling a number of men (a number which shall remain anonymous) I have determined that my Cockasian boyfriend has the largest penis. He is also semi-retarded but what do I care.
Ha ha, Wonkette’s now getting shaadi.com ads!
Shaadi.com ads dominate every internet website that has anything to do with India, because marriage is the biggest online industry in the country, bigger even than porn.
jagorev: So marriage is basically like prostitution except that you are required to go with one carrier and you have to sign up for the long-term plan?
The Communist-clobbering is almost total. They have been reduced to a minority of the seats in Kerala and West Bengal, where they have ruled for 30-40 years.
Custerwolf: Yes, pretty much. And the cancellation fees will ruin you.
Add me to the praise for jagorev’s well done and informative article. I learned quite a lot and, as an American, I hate being tricked into learning anything that doesn’t involve busting urban legends or where D-list celebrities are now.
I was all psyched for Communist Party of India (Marxist) cause I figure that’s Obama’s guy. But apparently they beat the piss out of some villagers to build a factory, and therefore completely shit the bed on election day.
Ah well, better luck next 6-month long election day!
Neilist: You could have worked a Pakistan Benazir Bhutto joke in here. Somewhere. You’ve sold out, man!
Incidentally, the Washington Times moonie spaceman paper seems to be all hot for Megawati’s panties, so she must be even more loathsome than you describe.
wheelie: Oh, Wheelie, I’m so flattered! To think that my old routines are REMEMBERED!
:::Sniff:::
I’d blow my nose, but that kind of blast is unnecessary because . . . .
BENAZIR BHUTTO IS STILL DEAD!!!
Thank you! Thank you! You’re a wonderful audience! Thank you! I’ll be here all week! Two shows nightly! Be sure to tip your waitresses, and try the veal!
Oh, and before I forget:
Mooo!
jagorev: Okay jagorev…I don’t so much give a fancy crap about Indian politics (although, nice work on your report!). This is what I want to know…is the sole basis of the caste system reincarnation? ‘Cause the whole caste system/slumdog thing really eats a bag of dicks. I am evaluating religions for possible absorption into my soul (like I have one!) and wondered if I need to put Hinduism on the reject pile.
jagorev: Most excellent post Jagorev. Jai ho! Jai ho!
jodyleek: Reincarnation? Does that mean Benazir Bhutto is coming back as a bombardier beetle or something?
Or maybe a possum?
Or perhaps a wood snake?:
“First, they coil themselves up into a tight ball and secrete a truly foul-smelling fluid, which has an odor not dissimilar to that of rotting flesh. At the same time, they turn their eyes bright red by releasing blood into them, although they do not squirt it out in the way that the horned toad lizards do.”
(She’s still dead, don’t ya know?)
I actually had a small part - perhaps in India’s electronic voting systems:
Many years ago, people from an Indian electronics company came to meet with us about building VLSI chips for their electronic voting machines. Our international licensing people took the group out to lunch, of course moronically to a steak house, and we were all sitting staring at each other uncomfortably until I broke the ice by remarking something about US elections - like - well they go pretty well except in Chicago where the rule is “vote early and vote often”.
The Indians looked at me in surprise. “You mean in the USA, you don’t dip people’s hands in a bucket of blue paint after they vote”?
Why is a guy with a Russian-sounding name reporting on an election in India?
jagorev: Thanks for the great report. Add my vote for more excellent features like this one. Personally I’d like to know more about Kazakhstan and that huge tent they’re building.
I learned about how evil the BJP is by reading the World Socialist Web Site.
I’d planned on saying “Wow, over a billion people in a country the size of Rhode Island!” but it just doesn’t make any sense and wouldn’t amuse anyone but myself.
Good job Jahorev! But didn’t India’s Caroline Kennedy want all Muslim men to be sterilized? Maybe he is less like a Kennedy and more like a Mussolini.
Great report, Jag! Just to clarify, though, is Caroline Kennedy already president, or is that yet to come?
jagorev: wasn’t everyone in rahul’s family assassinated by somebody?
makes the kennedy’s look all safe and bush like…
thanks thought jagorev this was awesome, very economist like and wonkette.
also.
jagorev:
Nice. Just when us Minnesotans were getting kind of smug.
Humble Pie is a bitter dish but a damn good rock band.
Links: No, that was Sanjay Gandhi, not Rahul. He was the younger brother of the assassinated PM (Rajiv). Sanjay would be the “RFK” branch of the family, and he too died in a horrendous violent death (plane crash) like all other Kennedys/Gandhis.
jagorev: The Ghandis just go down so smooth….
Indira is still my favorite assassination of all time, by the by.
jbd: I still have a copy of my local paper from the day after Indira’s assassination. I felt compelled. I haven’t kept copies from any other assassinations. But truly, the Gandhi’s are cursed.
jagorev: Thanks. I should have bothered to google. I vote for a regular Wonkette World Service feature. This the infotainment I can believe in. Also.
hobospacejunkie: This is the most hilarious story I have heard in a long time. Did you take your Muslim customers out for delicious baby back ribs the following week?
Links: I think you meant to reply to Johnny Zhivago about the baby back ribs & Muslins. I don’t want to take credit for someone else’s hilarious story.
hobospacejunkie: Uh-oh. Yes, I was replying to Johnny Zhivago indeed. In my defense, your posts are reliably funny and I was blinded by the Eurovision costumes/careography. I’m holding out for the day when Wonkette will cover Eurovision, it is after all a political, international event with votes and stuff.
The other week when Newell said “get a job Jagorev” I didn’t realize he was offering to give you the Wonkette India desk. Jagorev may be a huge cricket fanatic but I am a ski bum so can I head up the Wonkette department in France?
Links: Thank you for the compliment, you’re very kind.
I’m downloading Eurovision tonight (torrent from thebox.bz — you have to register & maintain an UL/DL ration, but Eurovision is a free download) so my wife & I can watch tomorrow. We’ve watched it for years & it has never failed to entertain, just not quite in the way we’re accustomed to being entertained! So I skipped over the Eurovision talk here, didn’t want to see any spoilers.
Maybe one of our international Wonketteers will volunteer to write a summary of the show? While the UK’s entrant is guaranteed to be laughably appalling the politics often makes this American shake his head in wonder. But the show totally kicks ass regardless.
So far not a single reference to the plight of the cowboys. REVISIONISM.
hobospacejunkie: my summary, repost from the earlier thread….
@Jean Hotman (your name is too long for the reply button to work)
The Eurovision is absolutely the best show invented ever. At the very least it teaches you all about Geopolitical politics and that Israel and Iceland are in Europe, yet Lebanon and Greenland are not. And that Yugoslavians who will shoot one another in the eyes without blinking, will vote passionately for one another’s songs.
This year’s meme was it was less political than before and it had ‘finally turned into a Song Contest again.’ However, this is just what the Russians want you to think. They rigged the whole thing this year from Moscow by having a “Norwegian” (actually a Russian) win the contest with a Russian like folk/rock song sung in English. This therefore assured him of the Scandanavian and crutial former Iron Curtain voting blocks. This was very upsetting to those of us who wanted Greek gay icon Sakis to win, or the fat lady from Malta.
hobospacejunkie: Oh, and the UK actually didn’t do so bad this year, with Lord Andrew Webber, of Catz fame performing the piano. They even got some coverted Douze points from Ireland. The song was so boringly un-Europop though.
My favorites: Greece, Azerbajain & Denmark. But as I said, the Russian mob fixed the whole deal this year setting up a fake Norwegian guy with the largest win in recorded history (THE FIX IS IN). They’re controlling it now just like the control like Gas pipelines.
Dear Jagorev,
I would like to commend you on your post. It was very well written and informative. If the article and thread itself are made into a Bollywood film, then I only ask that the participants of the original event (us) be allowed to play ourselves in the movie.
I’m looking to score with one of those hot Indian chicks. Oh yeah, you know what I’m talking about. Those red circles on their foreheads make me crazy. And you know they put out, because look at India. There’s like standing room only in that country. That begs the question, “Do Indians have to stand up when they are having sex, or is their a room somewhere in Mumbai for that?”
Your friend,
Druk
P.S. This comment sounds like racial stereotyping. Wow, I’m just getting unfunnier by the day.
hobospacejunkie:
“Thank you so much, Russia. You are just great, thank you,” an emotional Rybak, said, speaking in Russian from the stage after the result was announced. “You are the greatest public in the world,” he proclaimed”…
http://www.breitbart.com/article.php?id=D987MA380&show_article=1
THIS IS SO EXCITING…A WONKETTE POST SPECIFICALLY RELATED TO ELECTIONS IN MY COUNTRY????? BUT AS ALL WONKETTERS DO…IT MISSED THE MOST INTERESTING ASPECT OF THE ELECTIONS…
http://www.the-latest.com/a-dry-election-week
hobospacejunkie: If you have a choice about which commentary you get, do get the UKs - It was done by gay icon Graham Norton. Not quite as snarky as the venerable Sir Terry Wogan, but pretty good nonetheless
greywindz: A dry election? You poor thing. I feel your pain. Try to hunt down some Indians who used to work in Saudi Arabia. The ones I know, know how to create some home brew magic.
Kudoze.
Bruno: Now now - the winning song in this year’s Eurovision triumphed because it was the best one.
And I tipped it to win, right here on Wonkette - over two months ago - long before it even started to emerge as a front runner!
Also the murderous BJP are the clowns who want us to say “Mumbai,” so eff that, Bombay Forever!
First he wins the caption contest, and now this. What’s next, a date with SKS?
Sorry, I will not accept these results until I see Manmohan Singh’s birth certificate. How do we *know* he’s not a secret American Christian?
Srsly, Ken/blog-overlords –
If Wonkette could go global, wd b grt — the nations contain much to mcok. Get an assist from our furrin hobo-brethren in their various basements/cafes/tents/shanties.
[sing] We are the snark, we are the children…
Cheerio, old chap! Nice post!
2druk2phluq: No you’re not. Trust me.
2druk2phluq: Dude. Red circles on forehead = they’re married already.
jagorev: That’s not true is it?
wheelie: OK, I wasn’t paying attention to the Eurovision finalists back then. I’m over-reacting because I read the Daily Mail.
The Russian-Danish dude wasn’t that bad, and numerous countries calling in said they were Hottt for him. Inlcuding Petra from the Czech Republic as she was ‘giving’ him is Douze Points.
At least it wasn’t the Romanians who won with their on-stage, fake lip syncing. And they dare to make fun of the Moldovans.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-1183528/Norways-baby-faced-fiddler-wins-Eurovision–Jade-Ewen-does-UK-proud-turns-tide-tactical-voting.html
Bruno: I mis-read that as “tactile voting,” which I assumed meant a more hands-on approach.
Custerwolf: wheelie:
Umm, I take it all back. Does the photo of Sakis in the Daily Mail article not just PROVE he was cheated from the win? Songs be damned. This is Eurovision for god’s sake
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-1183528/Norways-baby-faced-fiddler-wins-Eurovision–Jade-Ewen-does-UK-proud-turns-tide-tactical-voting.html
Ha ha, this post is fantastic. Thanks!
“Wonkette World Service” lolol
x111e7thst: Tying a balloon on one’s Indian penis may have a very practical purpose of Identifying what one has and where it is located. I read recently that condom manufacturers have been asked to provide smaller than normal market size condoms for Indian males in an effort to help reduce HIV//AIDS. It appears that many Indian males suffer from “I lost it in the canal because it was too big for my dick.”
This is why India has been credited with inventing fisting–it was to retreive the condom!
Custersdeadhorse: Lies.
Custersdeadhorse: Huh? Where did that come from?
suchsweetthunder: x111e7thst: This is the notorious Condoms ‘Too Big’ For Indian Men story which BBC ran in December 2006 and which periodically resurfaces on its “most read” list since. It has re-appeared all over the internet since.
Contrast this with the less sensational headline, “UK National Health Service Should Provide Range of Condoms” which the BBC ran a few months previously and which essentially said that UK males should be supplied with smaller condoms, as necessary. A different spin, a different headline, and it doesn’t get repeated as a slur on nationality.
My detailed researches on male mickey size have not revealed a national bias, thus far.
Except for Egyptian lads. My god, but the Egyptian fellas have huge mickeys, in my experience. Don’t always know what to do with them, so they don’t, but them boys are big in the mickey department, generally.
Funny, informative article, and I now know that Egyptian men are overendowed but undertrained. Learning is fun.
wheelie: So apparently where you live, “slipped him a micky,” has a whole different meaning than what I’m familiar with?
Bruno: I haven’t watched Eurovision since Ruslana won - everyone’s favorite Ukrainian Hutsul Xena-like leather-clad songstress.
Just to note the historic nature of this win:
Manmohan Singh is the first prime minister to be re-elected after serving a full first term since Jawarharlal Nehru in 1961. The projected number of seats for Congress - 201 - would be the highest for any single party in a quarter of a century.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/south_asia/8054077.stm
greywindz: Biker gangs in India fighting with drunken electioneering mobs. They know how to have run an election on the sub-continent.
Jesus - Indian stocks jumped 17%:
http://www.bloomberg.com/apps/news?pid=20601087&sid=acfhZVwygaus&refer=home
jagorev: You forgot one very important thing buddy,…it is the left’s worst performance ever…
http://www.merinews.com/catFull.jsp?articleID=15769709
Things have changed…
wheelie: I’m in on the joke Wheelie. I just like to feign offense, because whatever. I do agree that it was a rather distasteful article. It’s funny here in the States, but in India where there is both a substantial community of East Indians and an egregious history of violence and occupation. . . well . . . not so funny. Especially because the story is misleading and targets a minority group.