Wonkette
- Did you know the entire week of creepy political news is available in Index Form? Can you even imagine? [TIME/Paul Slansky]
- Obama is destroying what’s left of the GOP by sending moderate Utah Governor Jon Huntsman to … China, yes, that will do nicely. [Top of the Ticket/Salt Lake Tribune]
- One of those shouty guys on the Cable News Shows is getting very shouty about himself! [Al Giordano/The Field]
- Warren Buffet bought a bunch more Wells Fargo stock, which probably explains (?) why 4 million Wells Fargo customers can’t access their goddamned online accounts and bill pay. [MarketWatch/Venture Beat]
- Nerds In Space: Actual astronauts on the International Space Station watched the new Star Trek movie last night, on a laptop, in space, on a space station, speeding around the Earth. [NYT Carpetbagger]
Ken, go to bed.
Today is a good day to watch Star Trek- IN SPACE!
facehead: I’ve been in bed for most of Friday. I HAVE THE SWINE FLU. (Thanks, Olbermann. OH WAIT DIDN’T YOU KNOW???) So you just shut your mouth and let the editor make up for his many missed posts, while he can still sit up and type.
Olbermann read that shit on television? I read it. I felt bad for him losing his mother, but there’s something else going on here. Wonkette saying something about him missing work is rather different than Olbermann parading out his own very personal grief on television. Nobody, and I mean nobody I know, would think mentioning KO would somehow generate Internet buzz about his personal life. WTF… no, seriously, what the fuck? He just did that himself a million times over.
And here’s another kicker besides Olbermann bawing about being badmouthed (which seemed like an easy mistake to make, and an innocent one): Olbermann has money. When I say money, I mean money like I don’t have. Money like you don’t have (Ken), money like most people don’t have. If his butthurt tirade worked the way he intended it to, then he just made it more difficult for Wonkette editors to survive. And that’s not just Ken. That’s Sara, Juli, Jim and Elizabeth. What kind of fuckhead tries to hurt people financially over a short blurb that had no balls or substance in the first place.
Keith, I have liked your shit. You were killer when you went after Bush. Lashing out at this little blog on the Internet is a dick move, Keith. If you’re that fucking hung up, then get an honest drinking habit, asshole. That’s what everyone else does.
If you still want to sling mud, I will welcome it. I’m so poor I couldn’t possibly be sabotaged into deeper poverty. My name is [redacted]. I’m a poet and a writer. Even if I’m the worst poet and writer who ever lived I am still that.
Naaah, fuck it. I don’t need your help, Keith. Get bent.
excuse any typos
I don’t have an editor and I’m tired
Wow, the Keith O thing is bizarre. When you get famous for criticizing people, is there something that happens that makes you thin-skinned? Does your ego get stretched so thin it could burst?
While hiking along the Shenandoah, I once came upon a dead cow. When I told the farmer, he said “Oh she prob’ly got the bloat.” So I asked what that meant. He said, “Her guts exploded.”
Hey, Keith, Bill O, et al. I think y’all gots the bloat.
So let me get this straight. President Obama has sent Keith Olberman’s poor dead mother to be the ambassador to Utah as Warren Buffet robbed a Wells Fargo ATM while a hooker sat on his shoulders watching a pirated copy of Star Trek and Leonard Nimoy wept? And all this was indexed in Time magazine? I find that last one hard to believe.
Gee did I say hooker? I should have written astronaut. I just love putting hookers on peoples shoulders. Its a fetish, sorry.
I had to deal (briefly) one of Mr. Huntsman’s kin - who played up the fact he was related Mr. Huntsman. His kinfolk was a complete idiot.
So they have bit torrent in the space station? Sweet! Was it one of those handheld cam-versions, telesync, or one of those distributor versions that changes inexpicably to black & white and has a time counter?
I was reading my Wonkette while watching Olbermann the other night & had just shut down the computer to settle into bed while watching the end of the show. I was shocked to see him rip this site a new one. While I’m really sorry about his mom, I didn’t like how he pooped on this site. Clearly he had to know that many of his viewers like both, don’t you think? (Though, I like you more, Wonkette, so don’t get all jealous). I’ll blame it on the grief and hopefully the whole thing will blow over and we can get back to having mutual enemies (wingnuts) and stop this leftie Socialist libruhl infighting. It does us no good. Just because we’ve won everything, doesn’t mean we’re done. Remember? We’re power junkies who can’t get enough. We’re addicted to power. We need to stay focused. We can’t lose the Precious, etc etc.
all parties involved are getting paid through this so-called feud except real, hard working ‘murcans. WAKE UP SHEEPLE!11!!
Actual astronauts on the International Space Station watched the new Star Trek movie last night…on a laptop
Actual priests in rectories watched The DaVinci Code on cable last night. “Laptop” is that kid whose name ends in a vowel.
Jimmy Buffett fucks old dead hookers? Between the snark bullets and comments, I get confused. I guess I’ll go to Huffington Post where all stories start out as headlines with bold red 155 pt fonts .
“THATS YOUR PROBLEM, LIBTARD, IF YOU STOP GOIN TO LIBTARD WEBSITES FOR “NEWS” MAYBE YOULL GET A CLUE”
Shut up voice in my head from my rightwing bipolar side! SHUT UP!!!!!!
I always thought any publicity is good publicity - yet there hasn’t been a noticable increase in Wonkette’s traffic. So the only conclusion can be is that NOBODY IS LISTENING TO YOU KEITH.
PS I am sorry about your mother and hope you reconsider your attack, given your fragile mental state.
The Chinese invented magic underwear. Flying Kung Fu style.
2druk2phluq: Remind me never to piss you off.
Has anybody fucked in space yet? That’s a real question.
My favorite are the comments on DKos to the tune of: “Is there still a Wonkette?” and “I haven’t read Wonkette since AMC left…”
HOPE YOUR PROUD OF YOUR PSYCHOPHANTS NOOBAMA!!!11!1
So who is thsi Al Giordano fellow and exactly how large is his penis?
Enquiring mind wants to know.
Mr Blifil: Wonkette used to have the American Movie Channel?
gurukalehuru: Just weightless mano a mano buttsecks. Doesn’t count.
gurukalehuru: Without gravity there’s no attraction.
gurukalehuru: There is a not very good Wikipedia entry on this topic. As best as I can understand, the answer to your question is no. Or maybe. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sex_in_space
2druk2phluq: my name is [redacted].
So did the Wonkette redact you or are you a self redactor?
About Jon Huntsman Jr.
Age: 49
Family: Wife, Mary Kaye, and seven children, including two adopted daughters, from China and India.
Profession: Huntsman Chemical companies;
http://www.sltrib.com/news/ci_12383314
I have two questions. Why are these SW Repuke politicos always buying little brown babies? They want to be like Madonna or Ms Jolie?
In whose fever dream is being a chemical companies a profession?
In
x111e7thst: Well he looks kind of like a cute little plastic toy, so I think the pick was apropo.
x111e7thst: Huntsman also listens to the prog-rock band, Dream Theater, and has taken LDS trips to the orient.
Bruno: The people who watch Keith read Wonkette, sometimes at the same time. This is all making me nervous.
I know this is several comments late, Ken, but Get Well Soon.
DC Hates Me: A smart guy would have taken LSD trips to the orient, they’re much faster and cheaper.
DC Hates Me: Just listen to Dream Theater - Stream of Consciousness (Live At Budokan) meh
Now if you told me he listen to Type O Negative (compare Machine Screw) I’d be impressed w/the guy.
Custerwolf: http://www.220.ro/FVgVupix6v/Type_O_Negative_Machine_Screw
if you can put up with the erratic stream etc the first 40 seconds might amuse you
MrsNateSilver: He doesn’t get it. If you can make fun of armless license plate Jesus, do you think it’s gonna stop for dead mothers? I have two dead mothers, do you hear me crying about it? Keith is in a flame war with Faux news, I’m sure it’s nerve wracking not being able to take a dump without ending up on you tube but, as Keith likes to point out, that’s why he gets the big money.
And what about Ken Layne, laying over there in Hooverville, the rain failing gently on his slowly collapsing cardboard “house” (fondly known as “Casa de Maytag”)as he struggles in the clutches of the Pig Death? Does he spare a word for our dear, highly infectious editor who will no doubt be fine in a couple of days? Does he spare a moment to consider the plight of the messikan children Ken has chained to the generator crank just so he has enough electricity to stay on the intertubes thingy? Does he ever consider the Ken has probably had a mother, or at least a prostitute he called mother, perhaps several, perhaps at the same time, dressed in leather thongs and dog collars?
But I digress…
Should we, the Wonketeers, take umbrage? Probably not, since three hours of street level google failed to locate any umbrage not safely under lock and key. I choose instead to take a fence, since my neighbor has one and it’s already falling down
Police in Moscow break up Gay Pride rally:
http://msnbcmedia.msn.com/j/MSNBC/Components/Photo/_new/g-090515-cvr-pride-7a.grid-6×3.jpg
But, hey, those Russian SWAT uniforms look really gay. Just sayin’ …
Johnny Zhivago: Without the least bit of snark.
I knew a couple of people who were in the Stonewall Riots (dating self again). I always thought that what they did took a lot of courage. Demonstrating for gay pride in Moscow totally blows that away.
Johnny Zhivago: That’s 3 SWAT police per one skinny-jean’d peroxide blond? From my Internet research, I didn’t realize those little guys were so dangerous!
Johnny Zhivago: That looks like Andy Warhol in street clothes and full rigor mortis.
Custerwolf: I hope he says his lifelong ambition is to drop acid on the great wall, a la Ambassador Duke.
dijetlo: Olbermann’s ego is over the top. I watched some of his show last night, and he interpreted O’Reilly’s criticism of Chris Matthews as a roundabout attack on him (i.e. KO). Yes Keith, everything is secretly about you.
x111e7thst: It’s truly incomprehensible to me that anyone anywhere cares what kind of a relationship anyone else has in this world. What is it to them? How many anti-gay fucks are concerned about one human being torturing another (without a safe word that is)?
Johnny Zhivago: Hey, their uniforms are modeled after Rusty’s gay boy scout camo in Mark Trail: http://joshreads.com/?p=2895
Not that there are really any gay boy scouts, of course. That would anger the LORD.
SayItWithWookies: Mark Trail. Wow, that takes me back.
x111e7thst: I’m a little brown baby, where’ my love ?
dijetlo: My sentiments exactly. I still love Keitho, but I’ve always known that his ego is as big as his giganormous head.
That Obama is one shrewd “two-fer” politician: sending one of the last centrists in the GOP–and a potenially future rivial in 2012–off to the Russian Front and thereby isolating the GOP futher in extreemism. The guy also speaks Mandarin Chinese fluently. You just can’t make this stuff up.
Custerwolf: Some took a poll (I’m too lazy to google it). It showed that people who attend church regularly are more likely to say torture is OK! with them. Cause Jeebus would totally do that to keep ‘Murrica safe.
It’s hard to come up with really good safewords. Mostly they just sound stooopid and inappropriate and then there goes the mood.
El Pinche: Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. Who need a huggggggg.
Custerwolf: Al Giordano is famous for NarcoNews (http://narcosphere.narconews.com) — reporting on the Drug War from Latin America. He also won his 1st Amendment case, which gave online journalists the enhanced 1st Amendment protection that print journalists enjoy.
Wikipedia entry here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Al_Giordano
Penis size: unspecified.
x111e7thst: Believeing in an afterlife and not believeing in one are worlds apart.
Barrett808: Thanks. Guess I’ll be forced to do my own homework on that last point.
Custerwolf: I think my time/space indicator just curved a little.
Custerwolf: It’s still going strong. You just can’t kill a nature-themed cartoon featuring anatomically-incorrect humans and that seems to advocate keeping wild animals (such as bear, deer and raccoons) as pets.
x111e7thst: Christianity’s gone ’round the bend when most Americans imagine Jesus as a Roman soldier.
They are twittering from space. http://www.space.com/missionlaunches/090514-sts125-space-tweet.html
Cripes.
SayItWithWookies: El Pinche: Look on the bright side, he handed Ken tens of thousand dollars of free advertising when he said the word
” Wonkette”
on the TeeVee (yes, I’m an olds, it’s “the TeeVee”).
As Huey Long was fond of pointing out, it doesn’t matter what they say as long as they spell your name right.
I’m off to have a hot lady stick needles in my back. Cause thats how I roll.
SayItWithWookies: When I was a kid living up in B.C., I used to always buy Outdoor Life magazine and pour through the back section seeing what treasures were available via mail-order (other than the sea monkeys which turned out to be freeze-dried shrimp). What I truly wanted was to buy a real live wolf pup or pet skunk from some shitbag in OK. Since my Mom wouldn’t allow it, I went instead to the ads for live-traps and bought one of each size of Havahart. That way, I could just catch me a pet racoon, squirrel, mink - or if I got really lucky, maybe a bear cub. I also purchased an incubator advertised in the back pages for $3.99. I’d wanted ever so badly to raise baby quail after reading the delightful book “That Quail, Robert.” As oftentimes happens with dreams, I never caught a goddamned thing in any of the traps, even though I relentlessly lugged them around with me everywhere I went (my mom once found a bag of rotten chicken gizzards I’d forgotten in the Vista Cruiser). I even prayed once to a picture of Jeebus hanging in my Grandparent’s house to please help me catch a squirrel (Grandpa said I got to keep any squirrels I caught). No luck. That’s about the time I decided to make a home-made slingshot and try my level best to shoot me a pet bird out of the sky. Again no luck. Tried loading pebbles into my brother’s pellet gun (he kept the pellets hidden) - and got a major ass-kicking for my trouble. Anyway, after waiting 2 months for those goddamned quail eggs to hatch, I opened them myself. Nothing but little fried eggs (after all, it was a $3.99 incubator). I guess Nature was just trying to let me know in her own roundabout way that wild things should remain wild.
x111e7thst: Enjoy. I do a little accupressure on my older critters.
gurukalehuru: “Has anybody fucked in space yet? That’s a real question.”
If they have, the female astronauts have been extremely manish. The female cosmonauts were better, but not much so.
However, man-on-man, alone in the space station for months, OH YEAH BABY. We’re talking full on Cleveland Floating Steamers and such.
x111e7thst: -or maybe you were inferring that the only good veins you’ve got left are in your back. I should know better than to assume.
Bruno: Oh, and of course, I’m talking the normal human-on-human variety. The alien space probe kind happens nightly, sometimes on the kitchen floor.
Bruno: Back when I had a teevee, the only channels I had were C-Span and NASA, and I recall one VERY hot young male astronaut who nearly sent me into orbit. Most of them however I wouldn’t care to fondle, even with a robotic arm.
Custerwolf: I used to catch frogs and lizards, which my mom was horrified with so we weren’t allowed to keep them, which probably worked out in the critters’ favor. Mom also loved my insect collection.
Keith…so very…disappointing. Meh.
Fluids, rest, and masturbation dear Overlord Ken (but not necessarily in that order). Me wondereth if there is some dark inner baseball going on here. Who hath setteth up whom? Surely you are not Keith’s Judas. Me despiseth the thought of Denby thinkething he ist right. A pox on both houses.
dijetlo: “Look on the bright side, he handed Ken tens of thousand dollars of free advertising”
It looks like traffic has been fairly stable if you click on that sitemeter thingy. What we need to help Ken is full on war with Keith. If you decide to target his dead mother, this is bound to get more publicity. That or getting arrested with an Uzi and some ‘hos.
SayItWithWookies: We’d have been pals. By the time I was nine years old I knew the latin names of all the mammals living on the N.A. continent (except the subspecies of rodents). And I still actually had friends.
Custerwolf: I always wondered how the Mormon Church decides to send which missionary where. It’s strikes me as somewhat unfair that some poor schlub has to schlep through some third world country in South America and another gets to spend a year or two in Paris.
Sending Huntsman to China just makes him a stronger candidate in 2012. Quake in yer boots, libtards!
Just confirms my suspicion that Keith is humorless.
Bruno: Wow. Never knew that was there. Somebody here is from WYOMING?? Is that you, Dick?
gurukalehuru: Look at this recent photo of astronaut Sandra Magnus on the International Space Station, and tell me she didn’t get zero-G nookie last night: http://www.esa.int/images/iss018e019721_H.jpg
Barrett808: Jesus, it looks like she’s still sporting quite the boner!
Bruno: And free floating arcs of jizz captured in zero gravity
Of all the space shuttle launches, I’m sure someone has jacked off in space. i used to work at Johnson Space center, I heard stories that the Mir Space Station smelled strongly of man ass.
Get well, Ken! I’ll start rummaging for a new refrigerator box for you and your family.
Custerwolf: I know that sounds funny- but since I can’t hear you, it just looks stupid.
the lady MS.Sheila Dixon: I knew that would come back to haunt me.
Hooray For Anything: “I always wondered how the Mormon Church decides to send which missionary where…”
You know, growing up for a bit in Colorado, I got to know some Mormons and they weren’t such bad people. It’s only when I started living outside the US that they started to scare the hell out of me. To their credit they do send their youngin’s to some of the same fucked up places I need to travel but they are totally unadaptable and have clear targets for who they want to recruit.
The most salient example of this is in Athens. These 20-something Americans were standing in full cheap american suits with nametags in the middle of Syntigma Square trying to engage in (American) conversation with people who have a long established and proud religion. These were typical middle-class Greeks.
Then, 100 meters away were a bunch of real life scum of the earth wallet stealing, children-stabbing gypsies. I.e., people who need to be saved with some religion. But no, they didn’t want to deal with the unwashed criminals. I mistakenly thought religion was about helping the unfortunate, but maybe not the Mormons and Scientologists.
I’m not religous and therefore am pretty un-interested unless you bother me. I have learned to notice these missionaries from a distance, so if you even try to approach me, expect a kick in the trucknutz if you are too persistant. And let me tell you in some countries, I’ll have the law so on my side you’ll get a year in prison.
Keith Olbermann: When you become a public figure, a celebrity if you will, you open yourself up to any and all types of comments and speculation. You have a television show that allows you to blather about anything you like and you are highly, highly paid for it.
Payback is a motherfucker.
Bruno: I think they’re just being cautious. You can’t blame them for being leery after what happened to that Jesus guy.
Bruno: Wouldn’t the probes be just as likely to happen on the ceiling as the floor?
I think sex in space would probably require some sort of tethering and it could get really messy in 0-G. It could hardly be done without major planning, which would likely make it less fun.
the problem child: And just out of curiosity - has anyone here ever enjoyed sexytime underwater? I mean ENJOYED it? I don’t care for it myself. It’s not slippery enough, ironically.
Bruno: What we need to help Ken is full on war with Keith.
Wanton destruction, mayhem, mutilation, rape and pillage….good times…
Let’s check out the battlefield.
http://alexa.com/siteinfo/wonkette.com+gawker.com+msnbc.com+cityline.com
You will notice both MSNBC and Gawker could whip our collective asses. A direct assault on them is out of the question, there isn’t enough snark in the entire Wonkette arsenal to overcome those numbers. Cityline is a dead stick, if they have a following, it’ll probably turn out to be Ken and Sarah so that’s no help at all, really.
As a battle hardened digital guerrilla I can only suggest we don’t need a war between Wonkette and Oberman, we need a war between Obermann and Gawker.
Custerwolf I predict your name will become a verb on urbandictionary. i. e.”I would love to ‘custerwolf’ Rachel Maddow.” I can’t do the little trademark thingies. I think ‘to yiff’ might be a close synonym.
dijetlo: Okay, our first course of action will be to make sure everyone’s got the spelling of “Olbermann” down correctly. Then, we’ll rendezvous back here once that’s been accomplished.
the lady MS.Sheila Dixon: So….Custerwolf means to “have the kind of money made by?” That’s seems awfully wordy.
Custerwolf: Not slippery enough. Couldn’t have said it better.
Custerwolf: how do i define this without getting too involved…. a situation or activity involving sharp wit, worldliness,self righteousness, hedonism, trucknutz, strong opinions, potential mayhem, 9 dogs, giving a fuck about the world , watersports, good pictures, curiouser and curioser and horses and buttsecks. also.
( i enjoy your posts)
Bruno: The Missionaries are all over where I live, San Francisco, and I feel kind of insulted, like they think that people here are in need of some serious Angel Moroni to save us from a life of sin when we here in SF are fully aware we’re living a life of sin and are pretty okay with it. In fact, that’s why we live here. Speaking of which, SF would be a pretty cush place to do missionary work because we’re really close to Utah so it’s not a long trip, a majority of us speak English, and there’s a multitude of gay bars to sneak into.
the lady MS.Sheila Dixon: Well, subtract the “trucknutz” and add “regrettabley cuntish at times” and I think you’ve got it nailed.
the lady MS.Sheila Dixon: And if you’re as cute as your namesake, I’d like to kiss and make up.
Custerwolf:
Do you think the Al Aqsa Martyrs brigade has a spelling Jihadi? Does Osama Bin Laden have to submit his communiques to the punctuation Mullah? George ‘the ‘W” Bush couldn’t even construct a coherent sentence and yet started two wars. CW…spelling doesn’t count in blog wars.
Besides, Olbermann? 22% of the letters serve no purpose, therefor they must be socialist letters, thus they must be eliminated.
I’m a patriot, we just roll like that.
dijetlo: Case dismissed. You win.
If Olbermann wants people to tune into anything he says, he’s going to have to get on Oprah first.
Custerwolf: I have had the experience, and concur with your assessment. Its a cool thing to add to your resume, but surprisingly dry.
Saturdays Are For the Eurovision Song Contest.
This is how you get the nationalist extremists around Eurasia to compete with each other by trying to create the most gay-oriented three-minute-song in the World, ever.
@Jean Hotman (your name is too long for the reply button to work)
The Eurovision is absolutely the best show invented ever. At the very least it teaches you all about Geopolitical politics and that Israel and Iceland are in Europe, yet Lebanon and Greenland are not. And that Yugoslavians who will shoot one another in the eyes without blinking, will vote passionately for one another’s songs.
This year’s meme was it was less political than before and it had ‘finally turned into a Song Contest again.’ However, this is just what the Russians want you to think. They rigged the whole thing this year from Moscow by having a “Norwegian” (actually a Russian) win the contest with a Russian like folk/rock song sung in English. This therefore assured him of the Scandanavian and crutial former Iron Curtain voting blocks. This was very upsetting to those of us who wanted Greek gay icon Sakis to win, or the fat lady from Malta.
Hooray For Anything: Officially, it’s a process of guided inspiration.
In reality, it’s a calculated political process whereby the scions of wealthy families get sent to areas (like, say, China) that the church has just gained permission to proselyte in. Puts these rich faithful kids in the position to eventually get appointed to, say, US Ambassador to China.
The hot chicks are sent to SLC to act as tour guides/docents at the tourist traps. They then fill out the ranks at the historical sites with cute retired couples.
They send the rest where they are needed just like any company with large staffing needs. (heh, heh, “large staffing needs”.)
The slobs who end up in Pocatello, ID (and other areas with large MO populations) are the remainders whose main purpose is to remind the members of the might and majesty of the Holy Mormon Church and keep the tithing receipts up.
Stone cold calculatin’, that’s the process. The spiritual mumbo-jumbo is the usual hat-gazing crap to keep the beaming simpletons in line.
meyotch: Wow, that was both informative and eloquent. Can I buy you a drink?
I can’t take much more of that dreary pair of whiners on the sideline there. Gee, Dave from NC, how’d you land the job of supplying a headshot next to a total stranger? Fuck. Is EVERY goddamned thing we hand each other in this life complete bullshit? Forget it. I already know the answer.
Custerwolf: God, yes. I’m in Japan and I’m sick of chu-hi. You can get a decent whiskey, but only at expensive joints.
meyotch: “chu-hi”
Well, I’m pretty sure that’s a drink, but just in case it was the second half of a sneeze, “bless you.”
meyotch: I just had a run-in with the Mormon secret police at the little tourist hotel I manage.
A couple of Morms, complete with the nametags and 1963 suits/hairstyles came up to the front desk just as I simultaneously had two calls on hold and doing a checkout with an English-impaired guest. To busy to be recruited at the moment.
I did something I have never done before in my job; I was rude. Now, I’m the kind of innkeeper that very gently brushes off the too-drunk-too stand, the stanky homeless street people and the runaway teens that promise “my mom will pay for the room when she picks me up in the morning” with a polite but firm response: “Hotel policy forbids me from checking in anyone without a valid credit card,” which is not true, strictly speaking, but it’s a lie that doesn’t really hurt anyone’s feelings.
But to these Mormons, whom I assumed were trying to add me to their collection, I just waved my hands dismissively and actually said, “Shoo. Go away. NOT interested.” The younger one kinda of rolled his eyes and stepped back, but the older one, looking very defensive and more than just a little pissed off, (seriously, he was exercising a lot of self control not to Mormon-punch me right there) said quickly “No wait, we’re not selling anything!”
Turns out they were tracking a runner, an escapee from the Holy Embrace of The Church. (They were “looking for a friend”, they said.) While searching for the friend’s name in our reservations database, I decided I wasn’t going to tell them even if she had stayed with us recently; but as it turns out, I was truthful when I said she hadn’t.
They held up a picture of her: very creepy photo of her in her long white (baptismal?) gown, the photo was cropped just so you couldn’t quite make out the faces of the guys on either side of her, each with a tight grip on one of her arms. Painful forced smile. Very chilling.
The funny part of this story is she looked exactly like that Sotomayor person who is supposedly a candidate for SCOTUS. Trucknutz. Also.
Lascauxcaveman: Does your hotel have security cams? They might come back and try to HacXors the database (assuming they can find some komputer-literates kinfolk).
At least they weren’t some kind of alien Scientologists. Or worse, Raelians looking for their long lost cloned brother. (What ever happened to those Raelians anyway? Did they build their spaceport? Too bored to really look into it now)
Bruno: Let them Hax0rs away, their puffy GF isn’t in our database. If they know how to find their way around a spreadsheet, they could find out easily enough.
And the computer is literally bolted to the front desk, so I don’t have to worry about them swiping it.
Lascauxcaveman: You had me at “Morms.”
Lascauxcaveman: Now is your chance to throw them a wrong scent.
If I had been in your shoes, I would have been probably more rude, but regretting it the whole day I didn’t fuck with them more. Like saying she showed up with the Grand Dragon or High Priest or whatever.
Bruno: I would have pretended I was furiously trying to zip up my pants, while glancing nervously at my shuffling feet behind the counter, saying, “Um…uh…no….no, she isn’t anywhere on these premises.”
Lascauxcaveman: That is a fantastic story, especially for someone who fell on some ice and was later thawed by some of our scientists. Fucking mormon police, eh? I can only imagine how much worse are the ‘police’ from those really freaky mormons in Arizona who’ve pretty much created their own self-ruled colony practically immune to outside interference.
“No wait, we’re not selling anything!”
I don’t think they realized you weren’t terribly worried about solicitation on these premises. Next time tell ‘em Darth Vader destroyed Kolob with the Death Star so they’d better switch allegiances to Xenu.
hobospacejunkie: I know this thread is getting cold, but I just gotta chime in, cuz, you know, I cope with the bitterz by over-sharing.
Mormon missionaries (momisses, missmoes?) get in to this kind of situation all the time because we, er, they are trained to prey on the emotionally needy. Young women with daddy issues are drawn like flies to the glowing certainty of a pair of over-groomed farm-boys. It’s not the *explicit* policy to seek out the unstable, just a side-effect of the search process used.
Think about it. You’ve got a religion organized around corporate principles and a mandate for growth. Who do you want to spend your finite recruiting effort on? Whackos? The Poors? Fudge, No! You want middle-class or better who are disaffected with mainline Protestantism and want a cult with a better benefits plan. They call them “golden contacts” WITHOUT a sense of irony.
The waif in your story was probably by-catch, anorexic, eating disorder, needy, etc. These are 19-21 year old boys we are talking about. They talk good, but are socially inexperienced at best and poorly supervised. They probably got into this without any awareness or malice. Perhaps the entire family converted at once (it happens often enough) and little missy was dragged along until she realized she should cut her losses?
My take on the story? The adorable idjits were on a mis-guided quest to fix a situation they got mixed up in through complete ignorance and ham-fisted yokel-itude. Sometimes it’s really hard to tell the difference between the consequences of stupidity and of evil. God bless ‘em.
The really fun stories come when the missionaries themselves go ape-shit AWOL.
Could the Chinese send Red Guards to the Embassy every day with Little Red Books, asking if Ambassador Huntsman has heard the good news about Mao?