Vote Krystal Ball for Congress, Virginia District 1! She’s 27 and had a baby at some point and this changed everything. “I said to myself, enough. I vowed, ‘I will protect Ella and all the babies like her in the First District of Virginia and throughout the country.'” Blah blah blah GREAT, Wonkette officially endorses this lady. [Krystal Ball For Congress via NBC Washington]

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  1. Okay, the fact that she lists “Ferdinand the Bull” as one of her favorite books endears her to me a little. Plus the fact that the name “Krystal Ball” has endless funny headline possibilities.

  2. Finally, a young, attractive candidate who cares passionately about the issue most important to me: Resisting calls to ratify the comprehensive test ban treaty.

    This is the kind of bread and butter issue that can propel you to victory, and since Ms. Ball was only 17 when the CTBT first came up, she’s lived with this issue her entire adult life.

  3. Hey, what is it with the porn star/stripper name? Maybe she knows that lady in Louisiana. Also, does this mean she’s a teabagger?

  4. I can’t believe I wasted 3:27 watching that thing — if it can’t be said in 140 characters it isn’t ready for congress.

  5. The hair, for the love of God, that hair, lady, do something with it, for God’s sake, I have seen Chassidim in wigs who had better hair.

  6. “Our Congress is brimming with smart, patriotic, service-minded citizens…”

    whose congress is she running for? Sure doesn’t sound like the US congress…

    and since when is it legal to run using your stripper name? I demand to see her birth certificate!

  7. It was the middle-brow reading list on her website that gave me a woody. Hey, somebody has to read Gladwell’s and Posner’s new books. And if she can do it while sporting cheekbones like that, well that’s alright.

  8. … or maybe it’s my baby’s ethnic roots in Pakistan, India, Russia, Poland, England …

    Criminy, how many guys did she bang to have that kid?

  9. After the birth of her child it was either this or fighting City Hall to have a stoplight put in down on Elm Street. You know, at Second Street, it’s only three blocks from the Morris Tiny Tot Playground.

  10. Did the person directing this ask her to try and make as many facial contortions as possible? Cut her hair and she could be that chick the used to hawk Directway on tv.

  11. She looks like a creepy gypsy. That freaky hypnotic stare. And she talks out the side of her mouth. She’s cast a spell on you Newell. Did you leave toe nail clippings lying around? Find some unicorn horn and brew a tonic. Quickly, now. It’s the only way to be free of the Krystal Ball curse.

  12. [re=317905]Bruno[/re]: She’s not “hot” for regular people, but for politicos she’s SMOKIN’.

    ShortsandPants is organizing a Wonkette “gathering” for Bay to Breakers this Sunday in gay San Francisco. If you would like to join us, e-mail AND ALL OF YOUR WILDEST DREAMS will become a reality.

    Godspeed to you.

    Also, Sarah Palin is being discriminated against again. Also.

    Okay back to being a commenter again. Sorry for that.

  13. Negatives: 1.The acoustics in her room are poor. 2. She’s a little too concerned about “toxic baby bottles,” which really don’t seem to be the problem she thinks they are, seeing as how there is no epidemic of poisoned babies. 3. Her website is really, really slow. 4. Pornstar name.

    Positives: 1. Does not seem to be aligned with a political party. 2. Isn’t an anti-abortion crazy, which was my prediction after reading the blurb– and unlike said crazies she is actually interested in improving the world of babies after they are born.

    Also: She’s going to lose, big time– that’s a 51% Palin congressional district, one of the most Republican in Virginia– she’s toast.

  14. Around the third mention of her daughter elicited in me an extremely powerful autonomic desire to punch her squarely in the face.

    Oh and has it occurred to her that while she’s running and if she’s elected she’ll see very little of her precious daughter which will lead in later life to an almost certain physiological dependence on “Kristal” meth? Also.

  15. last night i watched house arrest and i was like, “dumb old grown-ups always yelling at each other instead of having dance party dinners and playing with snakes and just being rad.” so i personally think krystal with a k is far too old for the job, as we should have kids running the world, with their innocence and whatnot. i would vote for krystal’s baby, though.

  16. i don’t have 3 1/2 minutes to waste watching the video. unless she shows her tits. will someone please let me know if it’s worth switching windows from youporn?

  17. [re=317949]Custerwolf[/re]: You should pull a snowflake baby version of the octomom. That’s good enough for a House seat, I imagine.

  18. Ms. Palantir’s position page is somewhat well-written, but has a tendency to go “(conservative talking point), however, (liberal talking point)” a lot. I smell trouble, though; she mentions evolution, and rural Virginians won’t vote for someone believes in reality instead of fantasy-land.

  19. [re=317959]guerilla-nation[/re]: WTF? Is that Mr. Dust Bowl Blues? Stay off “my” wonkette. BTW–I’m not making dinner tonight.

  20. I kind of like her, but think she’s suffering from new-momism. Post-childbirth hormones cause you to do idiotic things like run for congress to make the world safe for your baby.

  21. You know, Gale Storm “won” her stage name in a beauty pageant — and it took her a long time to get the joke. Who’s going to break the news to poor Krystal?

  22. After a little research I’ve discovered that is NOT her real name; she shortened it for marquee appeal. She was born Krystal Testicle.

  23. [re=317959]guerilla-nation[/re]: No bare tits, not even a little bit of nipple, I don’t know how this girl thinks she’s going to win without some cold banging porno to drive her poll numbers.

    BTW Mrs Dijetlo is making Chinese again, you can stop by if you’re hungry but RSVP because otherwise she yells at me in Cantonese.

  24. Since the men of Wonkette are lusting over her, this women is sure to be batshit insane. See Katherine Harris, Sarah Palin, Michelle Bachmann, etc.

  25. It’s her real name..not married name. I went to high school with her @ KGHS, HOME OF THE FOXES. She seemed nice enough, although I didn’t know her, like, at all.

  26. [re=318014]Terry[/re]: I think I’d lust after Norm Coleman before I lusted after Katherine Harris. That’woman’ is just fucking scary looking.

  27. Time to give up my career and move to Virginia.

    I volunteer to be her chief staff…

    …Silly me! I meant chief of staff…

    …no I didn’t…

    …Yes…I did…


  28. [re=317939]Custerwolf[/re]: Haha, you spelled your mayor’s name wrong. Crystal Hill, of Gold Bar. I believe that’s an Alliance town.

  29. Yeah she’s cute, and seemingly open-minded.

    But she’s an activist mommy and that kind of kills the boner because she’ll go bovine and uppity for at least a decade.

    Once the kids are in high school, though, my interest as a voter might be restored.

  30. If you attached a marionette to her eyebrows, I bet she could make it dance Swan Lake.

    Why didn’t she hold up the baby for the camera?

  31. [re=318089]Lazy Media[/re]: I just googled her name, spelling it with a ‘K’ and I got a hit on
    “Taxidermist Relief Fund.”

    Only in America.

  32. “And how will she [Krystal] make the world a better place for her daughter and all the babies like her? By paying teachers six figures, by keeping our nukes at the ready, by supporting gun ownership while opposing gun violence, and by trying to stop health insurance companies from killing their customers.”

    Personally, I’m against gun ownership, but all for gun violence.

  33. christ, i couldn’t make it past “You must be wondering what makes a 27 year–” (16 seconds). What’s with her stupid eyebrows. Couldn’t doll yourself up a bit? How about a goddamn American flag on the wall behind you? What, did you just move into your dorm room?

  34. [re=317991]Paco[/re]: Only 3 whore diamonds? FAIL!

    I say at least 6 or whatever the most is- very professional NGP website!

  35. Ok Jim, you got us. This is like the Crying Game (I called that one too). This is a shemale: porno name, Cro-Magnon jaw, Turkish eyebrows, even the faux little girl voice.

  36. 3 things.

    1 – she must be a Republican, because the first thing she wants to save her baby from, is terrorists

    2 – if she keeps doing that with her eyebrows, they’re going to get stuck that way

    c – i can’t remember the third thing, so i’ll just say, “i would”

  37. [re=318452]FlipOffResearch[/re]: Let’s just hope it doesn’t weigh too heavily on the minds of the voters come election time. Although you know goddamned good and well it’ll trump everything short of a plane hitting a building.

  38. “I’m in the know with teh Internets”, she says, and does a crappy, ten-hours-long, unedited YouTube clip. Somebody should buy her at least a microphone for the next episode.

    Ceterum censeo, she’s hot.

  39. Ok, there is something wrong when this is on her issue page:

    Why does your health insurance company want you to die?

    Our health insurers have every incentive to not provide you care when you are sick. These incentives exist for two reasons. Reason One: Our insurers are paid the same premiums irrespective of the level of care that they provide, so they have a higher profit margin when they deny care. Reason Two: Consumers are unable to hold insurers accountable by bringing suit against them in a court of law.

  40. [re=318017]Paco[/re]: And the punctuation! Woman, get a comma! Diagram a sentence or two until it become clear to you what one consists of. And quit posing like a beauty queen in front of cherry blossoms if you want to be taken seriously as a lawmaker. But I digress.

  41. I am going to beat the goddamned shit out of that little goddamned smiley-faced fucker if he fucking blocks another fucking one of my fucking comments. You’re on fucking notice you perpetually cheerful little bastard. Fuck you. Where’s the Tylenol?

  42. I don’t mean to criticize the comment thread, but it seems everyone’s missed a crucial plank in her platform. From her website:

    “We found that there was a real possibility of representing my home district in Congress, the place where I had swam and studied and RUN WITH MY GOATS IN THE WOODS, the First District of Virginia.”

    I’m not from DC, or from Virginia, or from Maryland, so it may be that I have simply missed the newest Washington trend: goat running. I don’t vote in VA’s 1st district, but I must say I’ll be concerned if her campaign survives to Primary Day. Btw, wtf is her party anyway?

  43. She got teh crazy eyes, kinda like M. Bachman. Maybe she should consider teaming up for a future GOP run. Ball/Bachman is a ticket I could really get behind!

  44. See, I’m just going back in time…. but seriously, when she says “Enuf” a 1:18, with her eyes fluttering downward as she read the words, I must have gone over that spot now about 118 times, and I still get a little flutter in some other spot…

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