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Check It Out, Hot Person Running For Congress

Vote Krystal Ball for Congress, Virginia District 1! She’s 27 and had a baby at some point and this changed everything. “I said to myself, enough. I vowed, ‘I will protect Ella and all the babies like her in the First District of Virginia and throughout the country.’” Blah blah blah GREAT, Wonkette officially endorses this lady. [Krystal Ball For Congress via NBC Washington]

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About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell

Hola wonkerados.

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129 comments

  1. Josh Fruhlinger

    One of the FAQs on her issues page: “Why does your health insurance company want you to die?” OUR NEXT SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!

  2. Cicada

    Okay, the fact that she lists “Ferdinand the Bull” as one of her favorite books endears her to me a little. Plus the fact that the name “Krystal Ball” has endless funny headline possibilities.

  3. rereridiculous

    When elected, she’ll have the second most porn star-like name in congress, after Zach Wamp.

  4. arugulalatte

    Krystal Ball is asking the important questions, such as “Why does your health insurance company want you to die?”

  5. Formerly Preferred

    Finally, a young, attractive candidate who cares passionately about the issue most important to me: Resisting calls to ratify the comprehensive test ban treaty.

    This is the kind of bread and butter issue that can propel you to victory, and since Ms. Ball was only 17 when the CTBT first came up, she’s lived with this issue her entire adult life.

  6. Red Zeppelin

    Hey, what is it with the porn star/stripper name? Maybe she knows that lady in Louisiana. Also, does this mean she’s a teabagger?

  7. Come here a minute

    I can’t believe I wasted 3:27 watching that thing — if it can’t be said in 140 characters it isn’t ready for congress.

  8. Prommie

    The hair, for the love of God, that hair, lady, do something with it, for God’s sake, I have seen Chassidim in wigs who had better hair.

  9. Scarab

    It’s her married name. Previously Ms. Meth was subject to even more embarrassment.

  10. TGY

    Well, since the last ‘hot politician’ Wonkette identified was Sarah Palin, I’m not convinced.

  11. Crank Tango

    “Our Congress is brimming with smart, patriotic, service-minded citizens…”

    whose congress is she running for? Sure doesn’t sound like the US congress…

    and since when is it legal to run using your stripper name? I demand to see her birth certificate!

  12. Custerwolf

    [re=317900]AdRock[/re]: She spent too much time in class whispering to the kid next to her.

  13. Iggy Plop

    It was the middle-brow reading list on her website that gave me a woody. Hey, somebody has to read Gladwell’s and Posner’s new books. And if she can do it while sporting cheekbones like that, well that’s alright.

  14. Accordion-o-rama

    … or maybe it’s my baby’s ethnic roots in Pakistan, India, Russia, Poland, England …

    Criminy, how many guys did she bang to have that kid?

  15. Joshua Norton

    She named her kid Ella? Like Cinderella? Does she WANT the kid to come home from school crying every day?

    -10 points.

  16. Scarab

    After the birth of her child it was either this or fighting City Hall to have a stoplight put in down on Elm Street. You know, at Second Street, it’s only three blocks from the Morris Tiny Tot Playground.

  17. The Decider

    Did the person directing this ask her to try and make as many facial contortions as possible? Cut her hair and she could be that chick the used to hawk Directway on tv.

  18. NoWireHangers

    She looks like a creepy gypsy. That freaky hypnotic stare. And she talks out the side of her mouth. She’s cast a spell on you Newell. Did you leave toe nail clippings lying around? Find some unicorn horn and brew a tonic. Quickly, now. It’s the only way to be free of the Krystal Ball curse.

  19. shortsshortsshorts

    [re=317905]Bruno[/re]: She’s not “hot” for regular people, but for politicos she’s SMOKIN’.

    OT ANNOUNCEMENT:
    ShortsandPants is organizing a Wonkette “gathering” for Bay to Breakers this Sunday in gay San Francisco. If you would like to join us, e-mail shorts@shortsshortsshorts.com AND ALL OF YOUR WILDEST DREAMS will become a reality.

    Godspeed to you.

    Also, Sarah Palin is being discriminated against again. Also.
    http://www.shortsshortsshorts.com/?p=3156

    Okay back to being a commenter again. Sorry for that.

  20. Rosalindavenue

    Negatives: 1.The acoustics in her room are poor. 2. She’s a little too concerned about “toxic baby bottles,” which really don’t seem to be the problem she thinks they are, seeing as how there is no epidemic of poisoned babies. 3. Her website is really, really slow. 4. Pornstar name.

    Positives: 1. Does not seem to be aligned with a political party. 2. Isn’t an anti-abortion crazy, which was my prediction after reading the blurb– and unlike said crazies she is actually interested in improving the world of babies after they are born.

    Also: She’s going to lose, big time– that’s a 51% Palin congressional district, one of the most Republican in Virginia– she’s toast.

  21. Mr Blifil

    Around the third mention of her daughter elicited in me an extremely powerful autonomic desire to punch her squarely in the face.

    Oh and has it occurred to her that while she’s running and if she’s elected she’ll see very little of her precious daughter which will lead in later life to an almost certain physiological dependence on “Kristal” meth? Also.

  22. Noodle Salad

    Look at me! I procreated! And the baby what popped out is still kickin! Surely, I can run a country.

  23. Joshua Norton

    That’s some DNA combo plate. Indian and Polish? What do they eat? Hummus Kielbasa?

  24. mrcrimmins

    last night i watched house arrest and i was like, “dumb old grown-ups always yelling at each other instead of having dance party dinners and playing with snakes and just being rad.” so i personally think krystal with a k is far too old for the job, as we should have kids running the world, with their innocence and whatnot. i would vote for krystal’s baby, though.

  25. Georgia Burning

    Hope she gets elected, only for the inevitable mis-spelling of “Ball R-Virginia” or even “Ball D-Virginia”

  26. Joshua Norton

    [re=317928]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: Just don’t do it naked. I don’t want to see that on my TV.

    …Also.

  27. Custerwolf

    [re=317937]Noodle Salad[/re]: Being barren, I couldn’t even get elected dogcatcher.

  28. guerilla-nation

    i don’t have 3 1/2 minutes to waste watching the video. unless she shows her tits. will someone please let me know if it’s worth switching windows from youporn?

  29. Noodle Salad

    [re=317949]Custerwolf[/re]: You should pull a snowflake baby version of the octomom. That’s good enough for a House seat, I imagine.

  30. JMP

    Ms. Palantir’s position page is somewhat well-written, but has a tendency to go “(conservative talking point), however, (liberal talking point)” a lot. I smell trouble, though; she mentions evolution, and rural Virginians won’t vote for someone believes in reality instead of fantasy-land.

  31. DustBowlBlues

    [re=317959]guerilla-nation[/re]: WTF? Is that Mr. Dust Bowl Blues? Stay off “my” wonkette. BTW–I’m not making dinner tonight.

  32. DustBowlBlues

    I kind of like her, but think she’s suffering from new-momism. Post-childbirth hormones cause you to do idiotic things like run for congress to make the world safe for your baby.

  33. SomeNYGuy

    You know, Gale Storm “won” her stage name in a beauty pageant — and it took her a long time to get the joke. Who’s going to break the news to poor Krystal?

  34. SomeNYGuy

    After a little research I’ve discovered that is NOT her real name; she shortened it for marquee appeal. She was born Krystal Testicle.

  35. dijetlo

    [re=317959]guerilla-nation[/re]: No bare tits, not even a little bit of nipple, I don’t know how this girl thinks she’s going to win without some cold banging porno to drive her poll numbers.

    BTW Mrs Dijetlo is making Chinese again, you can stop by if you’re hungry but RSVP because otherwise she yells at me in Cantonese.

  36. Terry

    Since the men of Wonkette are lusting over her, this women is sure to be batshit insane. See Katherine Harris, Sarah Palin, Michelle Bachmann, etc.

  37. Paco

    Is it too much to ask future Congresspeople to spellcheck, proofread their websites?

    “degredation,” “1 year old,” etc.: http://krystalballforcongress.com/

    Besides the sideways mouth and double-Spock eyebrows, sort of cute. Bad lighting and set, though.

  38. edoublep

    It’s her real name..not married name. I went to high school with her @ KGHS, HOME OF THE FOXES. She seemed nice enough, although I didn’t know her, like, at all.

  39. 19kevin8

    [re=318014]Terry[/re]: I think I’d lust after Norm Coleman before I lusted after Katherine Harris. That’woman’ is just fucking scary looking.

  40. Vewol Mevemont

    [re=317939]Custerwolf[/re]: Yeah, your mayor is a total hottie — hotter then Crystal’s Balls or whoever.

  41. gjdodger

    [re=317985]Gallowglass[/re]: I’d like to slip my lengthy amendment into her enabling legislation.

  42. nyhfrog

    Time to give up my career and move to Virginia.

    I volunteer to be her chief staff…

    …Silly me! I meant chief of staff…

    …no I didn’t…

    …Yes…I did…

    …No…

  43. Lazy Media

    [re=317939]Custerwolf[/re]: Haha, you spelled your mayor’s name wrong. Crystal Hill, of Gold Bar. I believe that’s an Alliance town.

  44. Atlas Spanked

    Yeah she’s cute, and seemingly open-minded.

    But she’s an activist mommy and that kind of kills the boner because she’ll go bovine and uppity for at least a decade.

    Once the kids are in high school, though, my interest as a voter might be restored.

  45. Blender

    If you attached a marionette to her eyebrows, I bet she could make it dance Swan Lake.

    Why didn’t she hold up the baby for the camera?

  46. Custerwolf

    [re=318089]Lazy Media[/re]: It’s Crystal with a ‘C’? Thanks. Ironically, she knows how to spell my name correctly.

  47. Custerwolf

    [re=318089]Lazy Media[/re]: I just googled her name, spelling it with a ‘K’ and I got a hit on
    “Taxidermist Relief Fund.”

    Only in America.

  48. Citizen Kang

    Anyone else seeing a Demi Moore resemblance? I wonder if her husband is a douchebag, too.

  49. S.Luggo

    “And how will she [Krystal] make the world a better place for her daughter and all the babies like her? By paying teachers six figures, by keeping our nukes at the ready, by supporting gun ownership while opposing gun violence, and by trying to stop health insurance companies from killing their customers.”
    Ooooookay.

    Personally, I’m against gun ownership, but all for gun violence.

  50. jgrn307

    christ, i couldn’t make it past “You must be wondering what makes a 27 year–” (16 seconds). What’s with her stupid eyebrows. Couldn’t doll yourself up a bit? How about a goddamn American flag on the wall behind you? What, did you just move into your dorm room?

  51. Dr Tobias Funke

    [re=317991]Paco[/re]: Only 3 whore diamonds? FAIL!

    I say at least 6 or whatever the most is- very professional NGP website!

  52. OzoneTom

    [re=318120]Custerwolf[/re]: Guess that’s why the image you posted is called CH.jpg

  53. DoctorCulturae

    Ok Jim, you got us. This is like the Crying Game (I called that one too). This is a shemale: porno name, Cro-Magnon jaw, Turkish eyebrows, even the faux little girl voice.

  54. WadISay

    Memo to myself: schedule any future video shoots only after the novocaine wears off.

  55. Captain McAwesome

    3 things.

    1 – she must be a Republican, because the first thing she wants to save her baby from, is terrorists

    2 – if she keeps doing that with her eyebrows, they’re going to get stuck that way

    c – i can’t remember the third thing, so i’ll just say, “i would”

  56. Custerwolf

    [re=318433]Custerwolf[/re]: Hey, Ken should charge those fuckers an advertisement fee.

  57. Custerwolf

    [re=318452]FlipOffResearch[/re]: Let’s just hope it doesn’t weigh too heavily on the minds of the voters come election time. Although you know goddamned good and well it’ll trump everything short of a plane hitting a building.

  58. hobospacejunkie

    [re=318452]FlipOffResearch[/re]: Cheney & Greta van Plastic-surgery-turned-me-into-a-freaky-zombie-scientologist.

  59. Jean Hotman, Marquis de Villers-St-Paul

    “I’m in the know with teh Internets”, she says, and does a crappy, ten-hours-long, unedited YouTube clip. Somebody should buy her at least a microphone for the next episode.

    Ceterum censeo, she’s hot.

  60. NataliePaige

    Ok, there is something wrong when this is on her issue page:

    Why does your health insurance company want you to die?

    Our health insurers have every incentive to not provide you care when you are sick. These incentives exist for two reasons. Reason One: Our insurers are paid the same premiums irrespective of the level of care that they provide, so they have a higher profit margin when they deny care. Reason Two: Consumers are unable to hold insurers accountable by bringing suit against them in a court of law.

  61. Mara47

    [re=318017]Paco[/re]: And the punctuation! Woman, get a comma! Diagram a sentence or two until it become clear to you what one consists of. And quit posing like a beauty queen in front of cherry blossoms if you want to be taken seriously as a lawmaker. But I digress.

  62. Mara47

    OMG This is my district! Wheeeee! I’ll get yard cards and piss off all my neighbors :-)

  63. Custerwolf

    I say she stays off the campaign trail until she can bring her video ratings up another 1-1/2 stars.

  64. Custerwolf

    I am going to beat the goddamned shit out of that little goddamned smiley-faced fucker if he fucking blocks another fucking one of my fucking comments. You’re on fucking notice you perpetually cheerful little bastard. Fuck you. Where’s the Tylenol?

  65. arkman

    I don’t mean to criticize the comment thread, but it seems everyone’s missed a crucial plank in her platform. From her website:

    “We found that there was a real possibility of representing my home district in Congress, the place where I had swam and studied and RUN WITH MY GOATS IN THE WOODS, the First District of Virginia.”

    I’m not from DC, or from Virginia, or from Maryland, so it may be that I have simply missed the newest Washington trend: goat running. I don’t vote in VA’s 1st district, but I must say I’ll be concerned if her campaign survives to Primary Day. Btw, wtf is her party anyway?

  66. Rusty Shackleford

    She got teh crazy eyes, kinda like M. Bachman. Maybe she should consider teaming up for a future GOP run. Ball/Bachman is a ticket I could really get behind!

  67. Toomush Infermashun

    See, I’m just going back in time…. but seriously, when she says “Enuf” a 1:18, with her eyes fluttering downward as she read the words, I must have gone over that spot now about 118 times, and I still get a little flutter in some other spot…

Comments are closed.