MEET YOUR CANDIDATES  2:10 pm May 15, 2009

Check It Out, Hot Person Running For Congress

by Jim Newell

Vote Krystal Ball for Congress, Virginia District 1! She’s 27 and had a baby at some point and this changed everything. “I said to myself, enough. I vowed, ‘I will protect Ella and all the babies like her in the First District of Virginia and throughout the country.’” Blah blah blah GREAT, Wonkette officially endorses this lady. [Krystal Ball For Congress via NBC Washington]

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Hola wonkerados.

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Lazy Media May 15, 2009 at 2:13 pm

Pfft. Typical sheeple politician. She didn’t once mention THE BEAST.

wx insider May 15, 2009 at 2:13 pm

I’d do her

The Lucky Republican May 15, 2009 at 2:13 pm

This is someone I can stand firmly behind.

Josh Fruhlinger May 15, 2009 at 2:14 pm

One of the FAQs on her issues page: “Why does your health insurance company want you to die?” OUR NEXT SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!

Dave J. May 15, 2009 at 2:15 pm

I generally make it a rule to vote for anyone with a porn name.

Cicada May 15, 2009 at 2:15 pm

Okay, the fact that she lists “Ferdinand the Bull” as one of her favorite books endears her to me a little. Plus the fact that the name “Krystal Ball” has endless funny headline possibilities.

Scarab May 15, 2009 at 2:16 pm

Krystal Ball? I’m not biting.
- Heywood Jablowme

Hopey dont play that game May 15, 2009 at 2:16 pm

I’d ball Krystal.

ChernobylSoup May 15, 2009 at 2:16 pm

Why did God put her mouth on sideways?

rereridiculous May 15, 2009 at 2:17 pm

When elected, she’ll have the second most porn star-like name in congress, after Zach Wamp.

arugulalatte May 15, 2009 at 2:17 pm

Krystal Ball is asking the important questions, such as “Why does your health insurance company want you to die?”

Formerly Preferred May 15, 2009 at 2:17 pm

Finally, a young, attractive candidate who cares passionately about the issue most important to me: Resisting calls to ratify the comprehensive test ban treaty.

This is the kind of bread and butter issue that can propel you to victory, and since Ms. Ball was only 17 when the CTBT first came up, she’s lived with this issue her entire adult life.

Red Zeppelin May 15, 2009 at 2:18 pm

Hey, what is it with the porn star/stripper name? Maybe she knows that lady in Louisiana. Also, does this mean she’s a teabagger?

Come here a minute May 15, 2009 at 2:18 pm

I can’t believe I wasted 3:27 watching that thing — if it can’t be said in 140 characters it isn’t ready for congress.

AdRock May 15, 2009 at 2:18 pm

Is her mouth actually part of her face or is this one of those Conan sketches?

Prommie May 15, 2009 at 2:18 pm

The hair, for the love of God, that hair, lady, do something with it, for God’s sake, I have seen Chassidim in wigs who had better hair.

Custerwolf May 15, 2009 at 2:18 pm

When I look into her eyes I see the future of America.

Too much?

Scarab May 15, 2009 at 2:18 pm

It’s her married name. Previously Ms. Meth was subject to even more embarrassment.

Bruno May 15, 2009 at 2:19 pm

Sorry Jim, I love you ‘n’ everything, but she is not HOTTT

Custerwolf May 15, 2009 at 2:20 pm

[re=317892]ChernobylSoup[/re]: Gawd I love you.

TGY May 15, 2009 at 2:20 pm

Well, since the last ‘hot politician’ Wonkette identified was Sarah Palin, I’m not convinced.

Crank Tango May 15, 2009 at 2:21 pm

“Our Congress is brimming with smart, patriotic, service-minded citizens…”

whose congress is she running for? Sure doesn’t sound like the US congress…

and since when is it legal to run using your stripper name? I demand to see her birth certificate!

Custerwolf May 15, 2009 at 2:21 pm

[re=317900]AdRock[/re]: She spent too much time in class whispering to the kid next to her.

Iggy Plop May 15, 2009 at 2:22 pm

It was the middle-brow reading list on her website that gave me a woody. Hey, somebody has to read Gladwell’s and Posner’s new books. And if she can do it while sporting cheekbones like that, well that’s alright.

Accordion-o-rama May 15, 2009 at 2:22 pm

… or maybe it’s my baby’s ethnic roots in Pakistan, India, Russia, Poland, England …

Criminy, how many guys did she bang to have that kid?

Joshua Norton May 15, 2009 at 2:22 pm

She named her kid Ella? Like Cinderella? Does she WANT the kid to come home from school crying every day?

-10 points.

Scarab May 15, 2009 at 2:23 pm

After the birth of her child it was either this or fighting City Hall to have a stoplight put in down on Elm Street. You know, at Second Street, it’s only three blocks from the Morris Tiny Tot Playground.

The Decider May 15, 2009 at 2:24 pm

Did the person directing this ask her to try and make as many facial contortions as possible? Cut her hair and she could be that chick the used to hawk Directway on tv.

Red Zeppelin May 15, 2009 at 2:25 pm

[re=317916]Joshua Norton[/re]: Hey, at least it’s not Ivana.

Crab1 May 15, 2009 at 2:25 pm

Worst. Porn name. Ever.

ph7 May 15, 2009 at 2:25 pm

I’m withholding judgement until we see what’s below the neckline.

NoWireHangers May 15, 2009 at 2:26 pm

She looks like a creepy gypsy. That freaky hypnotic stare. And she talks out the side of her mouth. She’s cast a spell on you Newell. Did you leave toe nail clippings lying around? Find some unicorn horn and brew a tonic. Quickly, now. It’s the only way to be free of the Krystal Ball curse.

nmmagayar May 15, 2009 at 2:26 pm

So her baby has, like, 9 dads?

shortsshortsshorts May 15, 2009 at 2:27 pm

[re=317905]Bruno[/re]: She’s not “hot” for regular people, but for politicos she’s SMOKIN’.

ShortsandPants is organizing a Wonkette “gathering” for Bay to Breakers this Sunday in gay San Francisco. If you would like to join us, e-mail AND ALL OF YOUR WILDEST DREAMS will become a reality.

Godspeed to you.

Also, Sarah Palin is being discriminated against again. Also.

Okay back to being a commenter again. Sorry for that.

Rosalindavenue May 15, 2009 at 2:27 pm

Negatives: 1.The acoustics in her room are poor. 2. She’s a little too concerned about “toxic baby bottles,” which really don’t seem to be the problem she thinks they are, seeing as how there is no epidemic of poisoned babies. 3. Her website is really, really slow. 4. Pornstar name.

Positives: 1. Does not seem to be aligned with a political party. 2. Isn’t an anti-abortion crazy, which was my prediction after reading the blurb– and unlike said crazies she is actually interested in improving the world of babies after they are born.

Also: She’s going to lose, big time– that’s a 51% Palin congressional district, one of the most Republican in Virginia– she’s toast.

Mr Blifil May 15, 2009 at 2:28 pm

Around the third mention of her daughter elicited in me an extremely powerful autonomic desire to punch her squarely in the face.

Oh and has it occurred to her that while she’s running and if she’s elected she’ll see very little of her precious daughter which will lead in later life to an almost certain physiological dependence on “Kristal” meth? Also.

Pierce Moffett May 15, 2009 at 2:28 pm

I’d vote it.

Crab1 May 15, 2009 at 2:29 pm

[re=317923]ph7[/re]: That is sound policy.

Noodle Salad May 15, 2009 at 2:29 pm

Look at me! I procreated! And the baby what popped out is still kickin! Surely, I can run a country.

Scarab May 15, 2009 at 2:30 pm

Her mouth creeps me out.
- Greta Van Susteren

Custerwolf May 15, 2009 at 2:31 pm

The mayor of my town is named Krystal Hill and she’s hawt. Plus she’s smart enough to live nowhere near the town she’s mayor of.

Monsieur Grumpe May 15, 2009 at 2:32 pm

LSD can be a horrible drug.

Joshua Norton May 15, 2009 at 2:32 pm

That’s some DNA combo plate. Indian and Polish? What do they eat? Hummus Kielbasa?

mrcrimmins May 15, 2009 at 2:33 pm

last night i watched house arrest and i was like, “dumb old grown-ups always yelling at each other instead of having dance party dinners and playing with snakes and just being rad.” so i personally think krystal with a k is far too old for the job, as we should have kids running the world, with their innocence and whatnot. i would vote for krystal’s baby, though.

Georgia Burning May 15, 2009 at 2:34 pm

Hope she gets elected, only for the inevitable mis-spelling of “Ball R-Virginia” or even “Ball D-Virginia”

Joshua Norton May 15, 2009 at 2:34 pm

[re=317928]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: Just don’t do it naked. I don’t want to see that on my TV.


TeddyS May 15, 2009 at 2:35 pm

A Republican holds that distict. I’m in for Krystal Meth!

Custerwolf May 15, 2009 at 2:35 pm

[re=317937]Noodle Salad[/re]: Being barren, I couldn’t even get elected dogcatcher.

Aurelio May 15, 2009 at 2:36 pm

Only in America.

guerilla-nation May 15, 2009 at 2:39 pm

i don’t have 3 1/2 minutes to waste watching the video. unless she shows her tits. will someone please let me know if it’s worth switching windows from youporn?

nestor May 15, 2009 at 2:40 pm

Why is Sara(h) K Smith running for office?

norbizness May 15, 2009 at 2:40 pm

She dropped out of homeschooling in 2nd grade.

Hart88 May 15, 2009 at 2:41 pm

Her eyebrows are freaking me out.

engulfedinflames May 15, 2009 at 2:45 pm

it’s all in the eyes.

Noodle Salad May 15, 2009 at 2:46 pm

[re=317949]Custerwolf[/re]: You should pull a snowflake baby version of the octomom. That’s good enough for a House seat, I imagine.

Tommmcatt May 15, 2009 at 2:46 pm


You are so sexy when you blogwhore.

ZombieRichardFeynman May 15, 2009 at 2:47 pm

My cats are named Sam ‘n Ella

JMP May 15, 2009 at 2:48 pm

Ms. Palantir’s position page is somewhat well-written, but has a tendency to go “(conservative talking point), however, (liberal talking point)” a lot. I smell trouble, though; she mentions evolution, and rural Virginians won’t vote for someone believes in reality instead of fantasy-land.

Gallowglass May 15, 2009 at 2:50 pm

I’d let her bob on my caucus.

DustBowlBlues May 15, 2009 at 2:51 pm

[re=317959]guerilla-nation[/re]: WTF? Is that Mr. Dust Bowl Blues? Stay off “my” wonkette. BTW–I’m not making dinner tonight.

Paco May 15, 2009 at 2:53 pm

Three whore diamonds.

stink, but May 15, 2009 at 2:55 pm

Krystal fucking Ball? For real? Is she a former exotic dancer?

19kevin8 May 15, 2009 at 2:55 pm

Yes, but who is the ‘real’ Krystal Ball?

DustBowlBlues May 15, 2009 at 3:00 pm

I kind of like her, but think she’s suffering from new-momism. Post-childbirth hormones cause you to do idiotic things like run for congress to make the world safe for your baby.

SomeNYGuy May 15, 2009 at 3:02 pm

You know, Gale Storm “won” her stage name in a beauty pageant — and it took her a long time to get the joke. Who’s going to break the news to poor Krystal?

SomeNYGuy May 15, 2009 at 3:07 pm

After a little research I’ve discovered that is NOT her real name; she shortened it for marquee appeal. She was born Krystal Testicle.

dijetlo May 15, 2009 at 3:07 pm

[re=317959]guerilla-nation[/re]: No bare tits, not even a little bit of nipple, I don’t know how this girl thinks she’s going to win without some cold banging porno to drive her poll numbers.

BTW Mrs Dijetlo is making Chinese again, you can stop by if you’re hungry but RSVP because otherwise she yells at me in Cantonese.

Terry May 15, 2009 at 3:10 pm

Since the men of Wonkette are lusting over her, this women is sure to be batshit insane. See Katherine Harris, Sarah Palin, Michelle Bachmann, etc.

Paco May 15, 2009 at 3:12 pm

Is it too much to ask future Congresspeople to spellcheck, proofread their websites?

“degredation,” “1 year old,” etc.:

Besides the sideways mouth and double-Spock eyebrows, sort of cute. Bad lighting and set, though.

DC Hates Me May 15, 2009 at 3:13 pm

Her voice lulled me to sleep like a baby. She’d be perfect for C-Span.

ZorinZorin May 15, 2009 at 3:15 pm


edoublep May 15, 2009 at 3:16 pm

It’s her real name..not married name. I went to high school with her @ KGHS, HOME OF THE FOXES. She seemed nice enough, although I didn’t know her, like, at all.

19kevin8 May 15, 2009 at 3:17 pm

[re=318014]Terry[/re]: I think I’d lust after Norm Coleman before I lusted after Katherine Harris. That’woman’ is just fucking scary looking.

NoWireHangers May 15, 2009 at 3:24 pm

[re=317928]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: Ahhh!

Vewol Mevemont May 15, 2009 at 3:25 pm

[re=317939]Custerwolf[/re]: Yeah, your mayor is a total hottie — hotter then Crystal’s Balls or whoever.

gjdodger May 15, 2009 at 3:26 pm

[re=317985]Gallowglass[/re]: I’d like to slip my lengthy amendment into her enabling legislation.

Terry May 15, 2009 at 3:30 pm


Well, he DOES look might fine with long hair.

TGY May 15, 2009 at 3:38 pm

[re=317959]guerilla-nation[/re]: That was my thought, basically.

Wugou May 15, 2009 at 3:40 pm

I’d [government-related innuendo] her [government-related innuendo]!

nyhfrog May 15, 2009 at 3:41 pm

Time to give up my career and move to Virginia.

I volunteer to be her chief staff…

…Silly me! I meant chief of staff…

…no I didn’t…

…Yes…I did…


InfiniteMonkey May 15, 2009 at 3:50 pm

Should this be filed under POV?

Lazy Media May 15, 2009 at 3:52 pm

[re=317939]Custerwolf[/re]: Haha, you spelled your mayor’s name wrong. Crystal Hill, of Gold Bar. I believe that’s an Alliance town.

Atlas Spanked May 15, 2009 at 3:56 pm

Yeah she’s cute, and seemingly open-minded.

But she’s an activist mommy and that kind of kills the boner because she’ll go bovine and uppity for at least a decade.

Once the kids are in high school, though, my interest as a voter might be restored.

kona farmer May 15, 2009 at 4:04 pm

Ugga bugga

Blender May 15, 2009 at 4:05 pm

If you attached a marionette to her eyebrows, I bet she could make it dance Swan Lake.

Why didn’t she hold up the baby for the camera?

Custerwolf May 15, 2009 at 4:09 pm

[re=318089]Lazy Media[/re]: It’s Crystal with a ‘C’? Thanks. Ironically, she knows how to spell my name correctly.

Custerwolf May 15, 2009 at 4:10 pm

[re=318111]Blender[/re]: hahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahhaha!Infinity.

TGY May 15, 2009 at 4:12 pm

And what happened to Stormy Daniels? Now there’s a pol I could get behind.

Custerwolf May 15, 2009 at 4:18 pm

[re=318089]Lazy Media[/re]: I just googled her name, spelling it with a ‘K’ and I got a hit on
“Taxidermist Relief Fund.”

Only in America.

ohiolobbyist May 15, 2009 at 4:26 pm

[re=317915]Accordion-o-rama[/re]: WIN

shortsshortsshorts May 15, 2009 at 4:34 pm

[re=318038]NoWireHangers[/re]: NOOOOOOOOOO!!

El Pinche May 15, 2009 at 4:34 pm

[re=318085]InfiniteMonkey[/re]: Hahahaha !!

Citizen Kang May 15, 2009 at 4:49 pm

Anyone else seeing a Demi Moore resemblance? I wonder if her husband is a douchebag, too.

wide right May 15, 2009 at 4:50 pm

crystal ball? is she a soothsayer?

S.Luggo May 15, 2009 at 5:06 pm

“And how will she [Krystal] make the world a better place for her daughter and all the babies like her? By paying teachers six figures, by keeping our nukes at the ready, by supporting gun ownership while opposing gun violence, and by trying to stop health insurance companies from killing their customers.”

Personally, I’m against gun ownership, but all for gun violence.

S.Luggo May 15, 2009 at 5:12 pm

[re=318194]Citizen Kang[/re]: The resemblance is skin-deep. Need proof.

trondant May 15, 2009 at 5:37 pm

I was told there would be titties.

jgrn307 May 15, 2009 at 5:48 pm

christ, i couldn’t make it past “You must be wondering what makes a 27 year–” (16 seconds). What’s with her stupid eyebrows. Couldn’t doll yourself up a bit? How about a goddamn American flag on the wall behind you? What, did you just move into your dorm room?

Buzz Feedback May 15, 2009 at 6:09 pm

Clips needs more titz.

slumcat May 15, 2009 at 6:16 pm

since she “welcomed” spector to the party, I’m guessing she’s a dem.

Dr Tobias Funke May 15, 2009 at 6:37 pm

[re=317991]Paco[/re]: Only 3 whore diamonds? FAIL!

I say at least 6 or whatever the most is- very professional NGP website!

OzoneTom May 15, 2009 at 6:47 pm

[re=318120]Custerwolf[/re]: Guess that’s why the image you posted is called CH.jpg

Custerwolf May 15, 2009 at 7:14 pm

[re=318291]OzoneTom[/re]: Guess I should pay more attention.

DoctorCulturae May 15, 2009 at 7:53 pm

Ok Jim, you got us. This is like the Crying Game (I called that one too). This is a shemale: porno name, Cro-Magnon jaw, Turkish eyebrows, even the faux little girl voice.

WadISay May 15, 2009 at 8:45 pm

Memo to myself: schedule any future video shoots only after the novocaine wears off.

WadISay May 15, 2009 at 8:46 pm

[re=317922]Crab1[/re]: At least her last name’s not “Meth”.

Custerwolf May 15, 2009 at 9:12 pm

[re=318356]WadISay[/re]: !!!!!

Lionel Hutz Esq. May 15, 2009 at 9:13 pm

I’m all for a good ballin’

Captain McAwesome May 15, 2009 at 9:29 pm

3 things.

1 – she must be a Republican, because the first thing she wants to save her baby from, is terrorists

2 – if she keeps doing that with her eyebrows, they’re going to get stuck that way

c – i can’t remember the third thing, so i’ll just say, “i would”

Lionel Hutz Esq. May 15, 2009 at 9:30 pm

And wouldn’t Krystal Ball be the name of a post-op tranny porn star?

Custerwolf May 15, 2009 at 11:58 pm

When my mayor’s term is up, I’m thinking of actually running. It pays a pretty sweet salary of $300 a month. What do you think? I actually had a local company make up some rather sophisticated promotional items, advertising my potential for bringing economic stability to our town.
Preettty nice, eh?

Custerwolf May 16, 2009 at 1:05 am

[re=318433]Custerwolf[/re]: Hey, Ken should charge those fuckers an advertisement fee.

FlipOffResearch May 16, 2009 at 1:08 am

Cheney soured me on the whole crooked mouth thing.

Custerwolf May 16, 2009 at 1:15 am

[re=318452]FlipOffResearch[/re]: Let’s just hope it doesn’t weigh too heavily on the minds of the voters come election time. Although you know goddamned good and well it’ll trump everything short of a plane hitting a building.

hobospacejunkie May 16, 2009 at 1:57 am

[re=318452]FlipOffResearch[/re]: Cheney & Greta van Plastic-surgery-turned-me-into-a-freaky-zombie-scientologist.

Jean Hotman, Marquis de Villers-St-Paul May 16, 2009 at 6:56 am

“I’m in the know with teh Internets”, she says, and does a crappy, ten-hours-long, unedited YouTube clip. Somebody should buy her at least a microphone for the next episode.

Ceterum censeo, she’s hot.

NataliePaige May 16, 2009 at 10:39 am

Ok, there is something wrong when this is on her issue page:

Why does your health insurance company want you to die?

Our health insurers have every incentive to not provide you care when you are sick. These incentives exist for two reasons. Reason One: Our insurers are paid the same premiums irrespective of the level of care that they provide, so they have a higher profit margin when they deny care. Reason Two: Consumers are unable to hold insurers accountable by bringing suit against them in a court of law.

kid May 16, 2009 at 1:25 pm

Very good keep it up

Mara47 May 16, 2009 at 3:08 pm

[re=318017]Paco[/re]: And the punctuation! Woman, get a comma! Diagram a sentence or two until it become clear to you what one consists of. And quit posing like a beauty queen in front of cherry blossoms if you want to be taken seriously as a lawmaker. But I digress.

Mara47 May 16, 2009 at 3:15 pm

OMG This is my district! Wheeeee! I’ll get yard cards and piss off all my neighbors :-)

Custerwolf May 16, 2009 at 5:06 pm

I say she stays off the campaign trail until she can bring her video ratings up another 1-1/2 stars.

Custerwolf May 16, 2009 at 5:10 pm

I am going to beat the goddamned shit out of that little goddamned smiley-faced fucker if he fucking blocks another fucking one of my fucking comments. You’re on fucking notice you perpetually cheerful little bastard. Fuck you. Where’s the Tylenol?

arkman May 16, 2009 at 6:49 pm

I don’t mean to criticize the comment thread, but it seems everyone’s missed a crucial plank in her platform. From her website:

“We found that there was a real possibility of representing my home district in Congress, the place where I had swam and studied and RUN WITH MY GOATS IN THE WOODS, the First District of Virginia.”

I’m not from DC, or from Virginia, or from Maryland, so it may be that I have simply missed the newest Washington trend: goat running. I don’t vote in VA’s 1st district, but I must say I’ll be concerned if her campaign survives to Primary Day. Btw, wtf is her party anyway?

Mike Steele May 16, 2009 at 7:11 pm

Sorry, but I’m supporting her opponent, Tarot Kard.

Mike Steele May 16, 2009 at 7:18 pm

Or even the third party candidate Klaire Voyant.

lazynamepicker May 16, 2009 at 10:00 pm

Is this a liberal reincarnation of that Paultard chick?

Custerwolf May 17, 2009 at 12:11 am

[re=318679]Mike Steele[/re]: He shoots. He scores.

Rusty Shackleford May 17, 2009 at 10:38 am

She got teh crazy eyes, kinda like M. Bachman. Maybe she should consider teaming up for a future GOP run. Ball/Bachman is a ticket I could really get behind!

Toomush Infermashun May 17, 2009 at 3:39 pm

See, I’m just going back in time…. but seriously, when she says “Enuf” a 1:18, with her eyes fluttering downward as she read the words, I must have gone over that spot now about 118 times, and I still get a little flutter in some other spot…

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