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Peggy's World!What is troubling our Upper East Side princess of wordsmithery on this fine Friday? Health care! Not the lack of it, of course — Peggy could give a crap about the 40 million Americans with no access to basic health care, the kind of wretched untouchables who never see a doctor outside of an emergency room, with a sick child, swollen with some easily preventable illness had only a pediatrician been something within economic reach. Peggy isn’t impressed by this liberal president already delivering government-backed health care for another 3.5m uninsured kids, either. What she wants, this wealthy Wall Street Journal columnist, is some soaring bullshit rhetoric about health care, on her teevee. Worked for Reagan!

The Scene: Peggy’s apartment, the blinds closed, curtains drawn, well-worn WASP carpet with a few too many cigarette holes, the butler’s table stacked messily with news and fashion magazines, a faint stench of take-out mingling with the clean industrial scent of soap and spray starch, the 3 a.m. repeat of Leonard Lopate rumbling low through the kitchen radio, Peggy in repose on the fainting couch, Chinese dressing gown carelessly open, droplets of warm gin on her pale belly, lipstick traces on the Capri 100 butts crowding the simple silver Tiffany ashtray …. and oh goodness, where has the night gone? Narrow beams of cruel sunlight have found their way through the tasteful barriers, and the Morning Edition announcers are prattling on now, must get one’s self together, find the French Press and why ever can’t the help put it back in the same place twice?

The other day I was watching “Morning Joe” on MSNBC, and Kathleen Sebelius, the secretary of health and human services, came on from Washington to talk about health care. A reporter on the set, Andrew Ross Sorkin of the New York Times, asked a few clear and direct questions: What is President Obama’s health care plan, how would it work, what would it look like? I leaned forward. Finally I will understand.

Yes, finally! Six decades of bewildering confusion, about the Socialist Health Care regime, but now the light would shine, as surely as those laser beams of sunshine sliding up her spider-veined ankle …..

Ms. Sebelius began to answer in that dead and deadening governmental language that does not reveal or clarify but instead wraps legitimate queries in clouds of words and sends them on their way. I think I heard “accessing affordable quality health care,” “single payer plan vis-à-vis private multiparty insurers” and “key component of quality improvement.” In any case, she didn’t answer the question, which was a disappointment but not a surprise. No one answers the question anymore.

Gobbledygook is the term, we think. Where is the “shining hospital on a hill” and the “new day for feeling chipper” and the “rising tide lifts all tumors”? Where, indeed, is the poetry?

I shouldn’t pick too hard on Ms. Sebelius specifically. Most people in the administration, and many in government, speak as she speaks, and have for many years. In her case there’s reason to believe it’s a quirk. A New York Times profile recently had her recalling with self-deprecating charm the time her child ran a high fever and she caused a bit of confusion by forgetting to say, “We have to go to the hospital!” and announcing instead, “This unsustainable increase in body temperature requires immediate access to a local quality health-care facility!” I made that up, but it was believable, wasn’t it?

No, that wasn’t believable in the least, you hack. Ugh, let’s continue.

New Class gobbledygook, which is more prevalent than ever ….

Stop it. HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO PARODY YOU, PARAGRAPH BY PARAGRAPH, WHEN YOU ACTUALLY USE THE ACTUAL ARCANE COMEDY WORDS WE JUST USED FOR EXAGGERATION?

We’ll try again next week. How about if you put in a bit more effort, too, Ms. Noonan? Christ.

What’s Elevated, Health-Care Provider? [Wall Street Journal]

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69 COMMENTS

  1. I continue to be astounded by how much Mr. Obama reminds me in his first few months of George W. Bush in his first few years. There is a sense with both men that they always pushed too hard, were always revolutionizing and doing “the work of generations,” as Mr. Bush put it.

    No. she. did. NOT. make. this. comparison. You take that back, you stunted, verbose, uninspired, George Eliot hack wannabe.

  2. Friday: Noonan writes some garbage.
    Thursday: Krauthammer writes some garbage.
    Wednesday: Ignatius writes some garbage.
    Tuesday: Richard Cohen writes garbage.
    Monday: William Kristol.. er.. Ross Douthat writes some garbage.

    There I’ve laid out my clothes for next week.

  3. Do members of the administration speak obscurely because they can’t help themselves, or do they speak the way they speak because they really aren’t all that keen to have people understand them? … It would be nice if America were allowed to know what exactly the plan is, and how it would work, and who would pay, and how.

    And if it were that simple, it would have been done in ’93, moran.

  4. The strong desire to have government run by people who don’t understand the technical aspects of their jobs is one of about a zillion reasons I could never be a Republican.

  5. If there’s some way to speak with Edwardian circumspection, yet make one’s meaning perfectly clear, please inform Ms. Noonan, as she is having a bit of trouble with a delicate matter: her brain is made of oatmeal.

  6. Damn right Peggy! What does “access to education” even mean?!? They should say “Go to the teacher”.

    As for this ridiculous health jargon, like “atrophic gastritis”, WTF?? What’s wrong with “funny pain in the tum-tum”?

  7. [re=317956]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: [re=317971]guerilla-nation[/re]: Chewing off her fingers won’t help because she’s phoning it in, HA HA!

  8. Was Peggy the woman I saw literally dragging one of those little lap dogs across Central Park West last time I was in NYC? That dog just did NOT want to cross the street.

  9. Why is everything such a goddamn mystery to Peggington? All that librul shit; torture, affordable healthcare, mysterious!

  10. Dear Ms. Noonan, you mushbrain twit: Maybe that affordable quality health care would pay for an operation to shape up your fat ass. Strong letter to follow.

  11. “This unsustainable increase in body temperature requires immediate access to a local quality health-care facility!”
    OMG I WANT TO CRY

  12. Nature, and Nature’s Law lay hid in night
    God said Let Peggy Noonan Be, and all was light.

    –with apologies to Alexander Pope

  13. “government-backed health care for another 3.5 uninsured kids”

    Wow. That’s very Solomon-esque of Obambi. Plus I thought he was all the Messiah and everything. So who gets the other half of the kid — SATAN?!

  14. “I don’t understand why he doesn’t simply let all the poors, queers and ethnic minorities die of AIDS, like St. Ronald did, way back when I was relevant,”

  15. And another thing: If they can’t cure cancer, can they at least come up with a vaccine against insufferability and give Peggers a big ol’ painful shot in her butt?

  16. Lady de Noonieville, member of a party of straight-shooters, who gave us:

    – Operation Iraqi Freedom
    – Islamo-fascism
    – Enhanced Interrogation Techniques
    – Misunderestimating risk
    – Pre-emptive Invasion (aka, unprovoked attack)
    – Healthy Forest Initiative (allowing increased logging of protected wilderness)
    – Clear Skies Initiative (allowing increased mercury emissions; exempting coal plants & refineries from sdding new anti-pollution equipment st the time of their production upgrade)
    – Stuff happens

    “I’ve abandoned free market principles to save the free market system.” –George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Dec. 16, 2008

  17. “For behold, it is as I have commanded thee, for were it not so, I would not have spoken thus: take thine ass from thine head.”

  18. Peggy Noonan =/= WASP.
    Do NOT pin this looneytunes on us. Okay, we killed the Indians, but then we totally mellowed.

  19. “Blah blah blah poverty blah blah blah disease blah blah suffering blah blah BLAH Oh for the love of MIKE, Ms. Sibelius…You bore me!!!”

  20. [re=318054]God, Country, and Jail[/re]: But she digs frayed WASP carpets and thinks we should all get one to survive the recession; she said so the other week. I’ve ordered mine off of eBay.

  21. “I continue to be astounded by how much Mr. Obama reminds me in his first few months of George W. Bush in his first few years. There is a sense with both men that they always pushed too hard, were always pounding their cocks in, harder, just a bit too hard, in my ass.”

    There. Fixed.

  22. Pegs! Health care is just one of those things that should retain an air of mystery. Ms. Sebelius handled the situation as should be expected. Briefly acknowledging with a knowing glance and then just walking by, her eye to the future.

  23. Next to Cokie Roberts, there is no more vacuous, insipid and boring person in the commentary business than Nooner or Sooner, herself. There was a day when she might have been doable, but that was in the last century. Also.

  24. Oh God, I could just see that apartment, sun-faded flowery curtains, shabby chic roses upholstery, warm and musty, priceless bric-a-brac on the mantle of the never-used fireplace, photos from 40 years ago hanging all askew, couple of prescription bottles on the antique sidetable…

  25. Ken, nothing brings out your poetic potential like Pregs by Noontime. And your scene setting was a triumph of the craft. It also made a little puke get to the top of my throat … then shoot violently onto my screen.

    Bottom line: You owe me one laptop machine.

  26. “Most people in the administration, and many in government, speak as she speaks, and have for many years”

    Wingnuts prefer their catch phrases like they prefer their women. Dumbed down and easy.

    Evil Doers

    They hate our Freedom

    I’m the decider

  27. Apparently, Peggy Noonan simply does not care for inane, vague, bullshit-filled utterances.

    Given her writing, this would qualify as ironic, yes?

  28. [re=317956]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: I’m not a fan of blood, but if you want to set her aflame, I’ll volunteer to piss on her to help put it out eventually. Wait, is that the ban-line I see behind me? crap! also.

  29. WTF? I have a few WASP posters on my wall, and a keychain, I had no idea they made carpets. Will it clash with my KISS ARMY sofa cushions?

  30. For the record, Peggy totally creamed her jeans over Bush during his first term. Her descriptions of him throwing out the first pitch of the baseball season, or landing on the carrier, or “the deep bond forming between [Bush] and the American people” are geriatric porn classics. Dissembling twat.

  31. I often wonder if Mms. Noonan reads these, and, if so, what will happen on that day, in the future, when she and Newell, or Layne, end up off in a corner at some press function somewhere. What will she say to them, I wonder? Will it be like a scene from Who’s Afraid of Virgina Woolfe?, or more like something out of The Graduate? Time will tell, I suppose….

    I also wonder if Peggy is a commenter here, and if her screenname is Custerwolfe.

    Questions, questions….

  32. Et tu, Peggy? With the anti-intellectual rhetoric? Pandering to the Palin crowd again. They won’t have you back, Peggy! They won’t!

  33. [re=318343]Tommmcatt[/re]: Might it not go like STAR WARS?

    Newell: Oh, er, hi there Mrs. Noonan, I work for Won … a local warblog.

    Peggy: I know who you are, Jim Newell.

    Newell: Hmm … would you like a drink?

    Peggy: Jim, I have something important to tell you.

    Newell: O dear.

    Peggy: Jim, I am your father.

    Newell: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  34. So who is Peggy Noonan ‘doing’ to keep her career alive? I am really curious that anyone with that much money would stoop to such a level

  35. [re=318182]nbawriter[/re]: Absolutely agree about the puke in mouth. Especially with this visual: “droplets of warm gin on her pale belly…” Oh God. There is went a again. Bubbling vomit from up my guts.

  36. The rich rosary clutcher still lusts for the addled Ronnie….daddy, daddy, tuck me in…!…and is trying to stay within the lines of the glorious right as described by Murdoch and the Bankers (good name for a TV series on Fox, don’t you think?) so the local liquor store keeps delivering. Hey, a girl’s got to do what a girl’s got to do!
    This meandering, sophistic piece of the 16th in the Wall Street Journal lacks that centeredness she had when she was curling her tongue for Obama. It is clear she doesn’t care but she needs to type every day. Type and drink. That’s discipline.
    There is a special place in hell for such religious putas with unconscious incestuous impulses. It is where they keep Republican gays who will not admit to their reasonable and human feelings; bankers who, well, are bankers; and defilers of children.

  37. Does anyone know if Peggers was writing such addle-pated BS when she was writing speeches for the Gipper? Or is the senile dementia taking over? And why does the NYT publish it?

  38. [re=318675]sagebrush[/re]: The Pegstress wrote George H.W. Bush’s “room called tomorrow” speech, back in the ’80s. So, yes, early onset senile dementia. As to why this fluttery, gushy shit gets published, it is to serve as proof to unbelievers of the banality of evil in the world. Capice?

  39. Peggy Noonan’s columns = drunk dialing….really.

    She writes “President Obama continues to baffle and delight the proles with an incandescent smile, and leonine assurance..a political mirage in an economic desert…blahzay…*snore*..blahzay…”

    I hear “Baaaaaarack…I will NOT be ignored…Baaaaarack..fuck it I’m boiling Bo..”

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