Lindsey Graham: TORTURE WORKS, I LOVE TORTURE, EVIL ANCIENT TORTURE, MWAHAHAHHAHA

  centrism

Wasn’t Lindsey “Grahamnesty” one of those Republicans who hated torture so much? It was “Grahamnesty” and John Warner and John McCain. “Waterboarding, under any circumstances, represents a clear violation of U.S. law,” they wrote in 2007. But Graham has since determined that hmm, nevermind, Dick Cheney says on the teevee that torture works, and it’s worked for “500 years,” so why do all of these liberals refuse to acknowledge Torquemada for keeping America safe these past eight years? [YouTube]

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Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

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76 comments

  1. BillyClubb

    Torture does work. Why do you think so many people who used to love George Bush voted Democratic in the last election? I’ll never be the same after hearing him talk about “Evil-doers”, and saying “You’re doing a heck of a job, Brownie”.

  2. SayItWithWookies

    Trepanation worked for thousands of years before modern medicine too, Senator. Got a headache? Would you like one?

  3. The Cold Sea

    - Hey, Torquemada, whaddaya say?
    I just got back from the auto-da-fé
    Auto-da-fé, what’s an auto-da-fé?
    It’s what you oughtn’t to do but you do anyway

  4. V572625694

    Another reason these techniques have survived for 500 years is that it’s just so much goddamn fun to torture people! We do it to our own people, just for the LOLZ!

  5. Rush

    The kind of torture Graham is referring to is that kinky S&M gay cruising, bondage, leather mask sorta stuff. Waterboarding is JV compared to the weird orifice stuff he enjoys.

  6. NewSpence

    Another thing that has worked for five hundred years? The occasional revolution. Just sayin’…

  7. A Harlequin Bromance

    I don’t understand how even after becoming a signatory to the Convention Against Torture (not to mention the Geneva Convention), these fuckheads even consider this shit. Where are the international parties crying foul? (Sorry I needed to vent)

    At least Lindsey Graham gets to “torture” himself by staying in the closet. For him, torture is getting fucked in the ass whilst hating himself for liking it.

  8. lawrenceofthedesert

    “I understand; I understand that.” Do we really think he understands? Torture “works”? Rod Blagojevich called, Lindsey: bribery works. Cheney called; war profiteering works. Bill Bonnano called; murder and extortion work. Pol Pot called; genocide works. Any questions, Graham Cracker?

  9. lumpenprole

    Oh Sweet Jeebus. Nerve gas works. So does ethnic cleansing. Fuck, slavery WORKS, dumbass.

  10. Hooray For Anything

    The Inquistion, what a show
    The Inquistion, here we go
    We know you’re wishing
    That we’d go away
    But the Inquistion’s here and it’s here to stay!

  11. twowheeljunkie

    Torture has been around for more than 500 years.
    Not because it works. Because there are people that enjoy inflicting pain.

  12. x111e7thst

    For 500 years torture has gotten people to confess that they met a Black Man in the woods and flew off with him to a mountaintop (special lubricating ointment required). Then they kissed his ass which was shaped like a mouth.

    No wonder Linds loves the stuff.

  13. Edywin

    Check out Lindsay’s eye tick when he talks about getting “good information” and that torture “works”. I think he spooged a bit in his leather underpants thinking about it. He proves it when he compliments, “I understand. You know how to do it and nobody else does.” I’m sure he ran out afterward and had a ciggy, holding it of course in the European fashion. S&M never was sooo in fashion in our nations capital.

  14. WIDTAP

    I say we string Lindsey up like Javier Bardem in Goya’s Ghosts and make him sign an oath that he is a cross between a chimpanzee and an orangutan.

    See if that works.

  15. Buzz Feedback

    Maybe Lindsey found out torture can involve a little ass play and so now he’s all over it.

  16. freakishlystrong

    Torture for Linds is not being able to come out of the closet. I always expect this asshole to get the vapors and faint dead away, like Aunt Pitty Pat…

  17. Hooray For Anything

    [re=315751]The Cold Sea[/re]: Gah, beat me to the History of the World Part I reference

  18. SmutBoffin

    Not to engage in Paultard-like Constitutional fetishism, but doesn’t the 5th amendment explicitly disavow the applicability of torture in the U.S. legal system? (Not to mention the whole “cruel and unusual punishment” thing.) If torture has this great, glorious 500-year history, why wasn’t more equivocal language included for the sake of our precious freedoms?

  19. Bearbloke

    [re=315771]x111e7thst[/re]: “Bad Senator… naughty nasty BAD Senator who must be punished – assume the position!”

  20. 4tehlulz

    [re=315775]Edywin[/re]: So Lindsay Graham is the reincarnation of Michel Foucault?

  21. proudgrampa

    [re=315753]Rush[/re]: “The kind of torture Graham is referring to is that kinky S&M gay cruising, bondage, leather mask sorta stuff.”

    THAT explains it! Hell, yeah. EVERYBODY loves that kinky kinda fun…

    Graham is hopeless. He is a sad excuse for a Senator.

  22. Accordion-o-rama

    Sure torture works. Look at all the valuable intel we got about witchcraft using it.

  23. x111e7thst

    [re=315776]WIDTAP[/re]: It would take 15 minutes. And require no more than noogies and indian burns.

  24. WadISay

    Give me 15 minutes with Lindsey and we’ll have a confession from the guy who torched the Hindenberg.

  25. shortsshortsshorts

    TORTURE IS FUN. MUST LIKE TORTURE. NOM NOM NOM ELECTRODES TO THE BALLS AND SUCH.

  26. Hooray For Anything

    You know another thing that’s been successful for the past 500 years or so? Witch trials. Think about it, when was the last time you’ve heard anything about about witches? So what I’m suggesting is that the next time you suspect somebody of being a witch, just throw them in some water and see if they float or not– that’ll take care of that problem

  27. JMP

    Of course Lindsey knows that torture works now. Cheney took him to an undisclosed location, and by the end of it, Graham thought that he actually did see five lights.

  28. BadKitty

    [re=315796]Hooray For Anything[/re]: “when was the last time you’ve heard anything about about witches?”

    Last year at Sarah Palin’s church.

  29. Gopherit

    We can thank torture for our swift and glorious victories in Iraq and Afghanistan on torture. Suck on that.

    Seriously, I really appreciate Lindsey setting up an useless strawman like,”Can you show me that torture didn’t work at least once?” Fuckhead.

  30. chascates

    I thought he (& John McCain) were against torture. Back before they were for it.

  31. twitterpaters

    This is the classiest version of the “slippery slope” argument that I’ve ever heard.

    500 delightful years of historical suggestions for who gets tortured next!

  32. Edywin

    [re=315786]4tehlulz[/re]: My God! I never realized it! Lindy Lou is quoting from Discipline and Punish! I say fock waterboarding, lets draw and quarter again! Wooohoo!
    Guy Fawkes lives, but not for long!

  33. JMP

    [re=315790]WadISay[/re]: If you fucking beat this prick long enough, he’ll tell you he started the goddamn Chicago fire, now that don’t necessarily make it fucking so!

  34. Hooray For Anything

    [re=315801]BadKitty[/re]: Well, I certainly hoped they burned all those witches at the stake before they could turn somebody into a pig or given somebody a bad curse or something. ‘Cause that worked before.

  35. Bearbloke

    [re=315807]Edywin[/re]: Miss Lindsey may quote from ‘D & P’ in public, but he keeps The History of Sexuality on his nightstand for those ‘private moments’….

  36. finallyhappy

    In Religulous, Bill Maher interviews a senator from Arkansas who says(in response to a question about creationism or some other nonsense) ‘well, you don’t have to take a test to be in the US Senate”. Graham is one more proof of that.

  37. Anonymous Office Zombie

    How about we get a committee to look into repealing that there Emancipation Proclamation while we’re at it, since slavery technically worked just fine and has been around for thousands of years.

    C’mon, let’s have both sides of the story here.

  38. Lascauxcaveman

    [re=315776]WIDTAP[/re]: Hey I saw that flick too! Who would think a naked Natalie Portman could be so unsexy? I guess Catholic Inquisitor rape-fantasy just ain’t my thing.

  39. lmj

    Graham: See it works! We should be thankful that they used torture to get rid of all those witches back then. Whew. Yay torture!

    This dude Graham: spews a string of lies and idiot fantasies.

    Would be funny as hell, except its about sneaking torture into permanent “OK” status, which messes up our country and endangers our lives in damage to national security, is all. So yeah, I am overly earnest and humorless about it in my lefty blog commenter way. Ha ha ha, the media stooges laugh, look at the serious angry left people getting all serious about dangerous illegal shit.

    Anyway, this lying idiot turd Graham is a respected Senator, on TV all the time, and taken seiriously by other respected idiots on TV, so I better watch what I say.

  40. Mr Blifil

    Another thing that’s been happening for over 500 years: oldsters sticking their dicks into the anal cavities of young boys. Why is Graham so silent on the subject of his favorite predeliction?

  41. S.Luggo

    Why must Lindsey take his undead lover even into the committee room? I guess he be just so damn lonely.

  42. kirkaracha

    Who said he was a respected senator? And I’m still pissed at him for being one of the House prosecutors that impeached Clinton.

  43. Turd Way

    [re=315802]Gopherit[/re]: Yeah, proving a negative is always hard, especially in the real world. But maybe we could set up a controlled experiment torturing Republican Senators if they demand such rigorous evidence. But until then I guess we should always error on the side of sadism.

  44. lmj

    kirkaracha: that bit about miserable stinking lying two-faced hypocritical idiot squirrely litle simping turd Graham being a respectable anything was sarcastic snark. I was joking.

    You have to include snark or the editors delete your comment, since this is a family humor blog. At least so I was told.

  45. pat robertsons personal trainer

    you know what else has survived for the last 500 yrs or so? douchebaggery. presumably for its effectiveness.

  46. funkyj

    [re=315802]Gopherit[/re]: ”Can you show me that torture didn’t work at least once?”

    I’d like to ask Senator Graham: “Senator Graham, if you were 100% certain that ass raping a terrorist’s 8 year old child in front of said terrorist would produce valuable intel, would you approve this form of interrogation?”

    Assume for a minute that would produce valuable intel, what acts would you put off limits and why do you draw the line where you do?

  47. S.Luggo

    Once again, Lindsey confuses one of the McKenzie brothers with a terrorist.
    http://washingtonindependent.com/42810/soufan-vs-lindsay-graham
    5/13/09

    “Do you know a guy named… K-I-R-I-A-K-O-U,” Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-S.C.) asks Ali Soufan, referring to a former CIA official who alleged that — at an interrogation he never portrayed himself as attending — Abu Zubaydah broke after his initial waterboarding.

    “Last week he retracted that,” Ali Soufan responded.

    Graham: “Can you say there was no good information” resulting from torture?

    Emphasizing he’s speaking from his first-person experience, “I would like you to evaluate what we got before” torturing Abu Zubaydah, Soufan replies. Graham: “One of the reason these interrogation techniques have survived for 500 years is because they work.”

    Soufan: “There are a lot of people who find it easier and aren’t smart enough” to interrogate someone without torture. Graham finishes by saying Soufan isn’t the “only repository” of information on interrogation.

    “I have nothing but the highest regard for this gentleman,” Graham alleges.
    *************
    http://tpmmuckraker.talkingpointsmemo.com/2009/05/torture_hearing_what_did_we_learn.php also.

  48. McDuff

    Just once I’d like to see one of these a-holes waterboarded for REAL — kidnapped off the street, blind folded, stripped to their undies, sleep deprived for 48 hours and then waterboarded with ice cold water by 6 masked muscle men WITH NO SAFE WORD OR DEVICE. For once, Ventura is right — you could get ‘em to confess to the Tate murders, the Lindburg kidnapping, and being the idiot who thought up Jar Jar Binks in under 6 minutes. Put the whole thing on TV and the “debate” over torture would be over.

  49. norbizness

    I don’t want to be mean to all six-year-olds, but he’s evincing a six-year-old’s understanding of international treaties and law. A six-year-old who hit his/her head on the corner of a coffee table.

  50. bago

    Humanity has a multi-thousand year tradition of cold-stealin shit. Why should we stop that?

  51. mrpuma2u

    I think that someone should whomp Sen. Graham up side the head with a big ol’ bag of dicks. Which would not, by the way, be torture. QED. E plurbus peni veritas.

  52. Lazy Media

    So, torture was invented in 1509? Srsly? I would have thought it was 10-15 years older. But wasn’t there some new country founded, oh, about 233 years ago, on the principles of inalienable human rights, including not torturing and stuff? What was the name of that place, anyway?

  53. Bearbloke

    [re=316020]Lazy Media[/re]: That place usedta be called America – but we lost track of it some 8 or so years ago…

  54. Bruno

    What was it that happened 500 years ago that invented tourture? I thought it would be around for at least 6000 years when the dinosaurs were waterbording the hottt sexxxy Flinstones cavemen

  55. lulzmonger

    Camp X-Ray rejected the idea of playing a video-loop of Graham’s bullshit on the grounds that it was “excessively degrading” … so they’re sticking to blasting VanHalen 24/7 at 110 Db.

    [re=315835]dave666[/re]: Since McCain’s visit to the Hanoi Hilton never involved a “risk of catastrophic major organ failure” that means that by BushCo standards (& I use the term loosely), no, he wasn’t “tortured.” Irony is a real bitch sometimes.

    Sure “torture works” – everyone knows that … it’s how Hirohito & Hitler won WW2, after all!

  56. MGBYG

    But we still have the Third Amendment about being a bed-n-breakfast for soldiers and stuff, right?

    Whew.

    Now that the rest are gone, just trying to re-establish our baseline of rights here in the lower 48.

  57. GreatOldOnesParty

    [re=315776]WIDTAP[/re]: FUKKEN WIN! I love that movie.

    And I think torture is a little over 500 years old. No one really “invented” it. The whole “threatening people with physical/psychological harm can make them say or do practically anything you want” idea seems more like common sense than anything else.
    Also, trucknutz, buttsecks FTW!

  58. Sparticle

    Lindsay Graham is right that torture has worked for 500 years – but it doesn’t make you tell the truth — it makes you Christian

Comments are closed.