OH NOES!  10:52 am May 12, 2009

Poetry Slam At The White House!

by Sara K. Smith

This is what a poetry slam feels like.In the ninth circle of Hell, just between the usurers and the winged demon Satan flapping his wings in that frozen pond, lies a self-important little coffee house full of nerds who vote on each other’s poetry, which is universally awful. The Obamas will bring a slice of this Hell to their own home tonight, when they host the first-ever White House Poetry Slam. Why does Barack Obama hate America so much?

“It’s an incredible honor any time to receive an invitation from the White House and President Obama,” said Arizona Rep. Krysten Sinema, who is among the 100 people invited to attend the event. “But to see our nation’s talent and be a part of history at the first-ever White House Poetry Slam is amazing. I’m very excited to be a part of this moment.”

On the plus side, James Earl Jones will be there. On the minus side, that lady who writes all the time about how much she loves to fuck her husband will also be there, with her husband (Michael Chabon).

STOP THE PRESSES, CORRECTION: This is a poetry “jam,” not a poetry “slam,” which apparently means it’s not a competition. Everybody wins! (Except America.)

Obamas to Host First Ever White House Poetry Slam [NBC New York]
Obamas Hosts James Earl Jones at Tuesday Night Poetry Jam [Politics Daily]

Related video

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The Cold Sea May 12, 2009 at 10:58 am

Will Michael Steele be there?

Mild Midwesterner May 12, 2009 at 11:03 am

There once was a girl from Madras,
Who had an incredible ass.
It wasn’t rounded or pink,
As you just might think,
But was grey, had long ears and ate grass.

ManchuCandidate May 12, 2009 at 11:05 am

I actually read the “I Loves to Fuck my Hubby” article.

What I learned was:
a) I can endure lots before I throw up
b) I understand why they have 4 kids
c) Their kids are going to die of embarrassment when classmates bring this article up thanks to the intertubes

tootsieroll May 12, 2009 at 11:07 am

You gotta love all the mouth breather comments to the stories. It should be fun trolling the wingnut sites for this story.

Naked Bunny with a Whip May 12, 2009 at 11:07 am

Eww, so that’s what it looks like inside Cheney’s head.

meg9 May 12, 2009 at 11:08 am

They actually just called our office here at georgetown Univ. to try to get some students to come out to this.

19kevin8 May 12, 2009 at 11:08 am

SLAM! da-da-da, da-da-da! let the boyz be boyz! SLAM! da-da-da, da-da-da! make noize be boyz!

ChernobylSoup May 12, 2009 at 11:09 am

God I hope James Earl Jones recites “Purple Cow” in his Darth Vader voice.

SmutBoffin May 12, 2009 at 11:10 am

I didn’t realize poetry was so FUCKING METAL.

magic titty May 12, 2009 at 11:10 am

Will Barack be reading excerpts from his classic “You Ain’t My Bitch Nigga”?

Crab1 May 12, 2009 at 11:11 am

I would rather be waterboarded than forced to sit through a poetry reading.

jetjaguar May 12, 2009 at 11:12 am

I wonder if Wanda Sykes will be there, she’s SO FUNNY

nappyduggs May 12, 2009 at 11:13 am

I hope Darth Vader will be reading excerpts from the Communist Manifesto. I really, really do.
Or doing a scene from “Sounder.”

JMP May 12, 2009 at 11:14 am

They had frequent poetry slams at the U of C back when I was an undergrad, which was the same time Obama was a professor there. Maybe that’s where he got the idea. I never went, because the people who liked them were the same folks who though the swing dance revival was a good idea.

Anyway; sorry? I guess.

Lascauxcaveman May 12, 2009 at 11:15 am

I’m still waiting to hear from usually forthcoming gheys and hetero ladies on the subject of whether or not they agree with Mrs. Chabon on her hubbie’s fuckability.

Atlas Spanked May 12, 2009 at 11:16 am

Poetry “slam”: Like a circle jerk, with podiums!

And no noun misuse on earth will ever make poetry cool.

x111e7thst May 12, 2009 at 11:16 am

Maybe insted of reciting a poem about how much she loves to hit it (then step back and hit it again) Ayelet will drag hubby dearest on stage and demonstrate. Would I pay to see that?

SmutBoffin May 12, 2009 at 11:24 am

Maybe Barry and Bill Ayers will recite some pieces by Gil Scott Heron and/or The Last Poets.

Lazy Media May 12, 2009 at 11:29 am

Based on his jacket photo, Michael Chabon’s pretty fuckable. Based on that, and the fact that he’s such a ridiculously talented writer, I plan to stalk and kill him at some point.

J/K, Mr. FBI man. Jeez.

Bitch's_Brew May 12, 2009 at 11:31 am

[re=314206]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: I’d hit it. http://www.davidlouisedelman.com/author-interviews/michael-chabon/

proudgrampa May 12, 2009 at 11:32 am

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Glad I’m not goin’
How about you?

queeraselvis v 2.0 May 12, 2009 at 11:33 am

That painting looks amazingly like Charlie Crist fellating a 12-year-old at a Fort Lauderdale Chuck-E-Cheese.

Lazy Media May 12, 2009 at 11:33 am

[re=314227]Lazy Media[/re]: Oh, and I’m not the ghey or the lady type, but I still know what fuckable guys look like. The standard is, how close to Elvis do they look? Because, I’m not funny or nothin’, but if I HAD to fuck a dude, I’d fuck Elvis.

Rumproast May 12, 2009 at 11:35 am

“I’d hit it.”

No doubt. David Louis Edelman is smokin’.

Lazy Media May 12, 2009 at 11:35 am

[re=314227]Lazy Media[/re]: Actually, better plan, I’m gonna seduce his wife. Because MILFs who don’t think children are the center of the universe are HAWT.

sati demise May 12, 2009 at 11:48 am

poetry slam=rap.hip-hop without the beat.

subversive Barry.
good way to sneak teh ghetto crowd into the ‘House’ without alerting the villagers.

rj77 May 12, 2009 at 11:51 am

So, this is like Big Block of Cheese Day, only with berets and snapping?

proudgrampa May 12, 2009 at 11:52 am

[re=314242]Lazy Media[/re]: She IS pretty:


twowheeljunkie May 12, 2009 at 11:54 am

[re=314188]Mild Midwesterner[/re]: WIN

V572625694 May 12, 2009 at 11:58 am

[re=314202]Crab1[/re]: No, believe me, you would rather sit through a poetry reading than endure that awful NYT article about a new mommy who Michael Chabon is repeatedly fucking. Isn’t he gay anyway?

Sara K. Smith May 12, 2009 at 11:58 am

[re=314206]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: I would fuck his writing, but his taste in women makes me cringe.

V572625694 May 12, 2009 at 12:01 pm

[re=314273]proudgrampa[/re]: Uh, pretty? No she isn’t:


V572625694 May 12, 2009 at 12:06 pm

[re=314281]Sara K. Smith[/re]: Agreed. Just the title Mysteries of Pittsburgh is brilliant.

Larry McAwful May 12, 2009 at 12:09 pm

If rhymes are a crime
Then you can indict me
And I’ll do my time
If you can convict me.

Fear of a Black Reagan May 12, 2009 at 12:13 pm

Krysten Sinema is pretty hot for an ambiguously-oriented Arizona lady state politician:


american mutt May 12, 2009 at 12:19 pm

my favorite poet saul williams was supposed to be there but missed the phone call while in flight. i got the inside scoop.

Lascauxcaveman May 12, 2009 at 12:34 pm

[re=314281]Sara K. Smith[/re]: [re=314297]V572625694[/re]: Have not read the dude yet, but he’s been parodied on the Simpsons, so he’s doing something right.

Lascauxcaveman May 12, 2009 at 12:36 pm

[re=314363]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: Sorry. “This Video No Longer Availble blah blah copyright blah..”

Zadig May 12, 2009 at 12:36 pm

A Poetry Jam? Fuck, maybe I should have voted for McCain.

Larry McAwful May 12, 2009 at 12:39 pm

Wonder Boys is great. I haven’t seen the movie and I can’t bring myself to, but that’s a personal thing. See, I understand the movie cuts out the middle third of the book, which is my favorite part. It’s set in a fictional town that’s supposed to be pretty close to the real town I grew up in, so it has special meaning.

My wife thinks Michael Chabon is dreamy, but I know enough about Ayelet Waldman to safely say there’ll be no wife-swapping if we ever meet the Chabons. I mean, seriously.

Lazy Media May 12, 2009 at 12:45 pm
AxmxZ May 12, 2009 at 12:54 pm

[re=314205]JMP[/re]: Hey, swing dance revival was an AWESOME idea!!

As for the lady who’s into her husband against all laws of social decorum, judging from her description of him, she’s married to Severus Snape, so she can be excused.

Larry McAwful May 12, 2009 at 12:55 pm

[re=314379]Lazy Media[/re]: Yeah, she’s attractive enough. It’s just that flakes give me hives, so I couldn’t steel myself enough.

proudgrampa May 12, 2009 at 12:57 pm

[re=314288]V572625694[/re]: Holy Crap! That’s quite a difference!

Lazy Media May 12, 2009 at 12:59 pm

[re=314394]Larry McAwful[/re]: Ah, see, there we differ. Flakes are my FAVORITES.

proudgrampa May 12, 2009 at 1:01 pm

[re=314379]Lazy Media[/re]: Guess she has bad hair days.

Mad Farmer Manifest May 12, 2009 at 1:14 pm

I thought Ayelet’s article was nice (sorry no snark). I’m lucky that my wife still chases me around the house even though we have a mess of babies. No secks would give me a sad.

PopeyesPipe May 12, 2009 at 1:15 pm

Poetry slams are a fucking crime. They’re poetry for people who hate poetry but who love to talk about their own irritating lives in a cadence that makes me want to machete fuck their eye sockets.

davesnothere May 12, 2009 at 1:23 pm

[re=314237]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: = hell. QED

TGY May 12, 2009 at 1:26 pm

New blood in White House
The last administration
Smelled like Dick Cheney

Zadig May 12, 2009 at 1:30 pm

[re=314418]PopeyesPipe[/re]: Hear, Hear.

proudgrampa May 12, 2009 at 1:40 pm

What? Still no “Girl from Nantucket…” limericks?? Come on, people!!

barrett caulk May 12, 2009 at 1:48 pm

In the ninth circle of Hell, just between the usurers and the winged demon Satan flapping his wings in that frozen pond, lies a self-important little coffee house full of nerds who vote on each other’s BLOGS, which is universally awful.

Fixed that for you.

TGY May 12, 2009 at 1:51 pm


There once was a pol from Chicago
Who won the White House imbroglio
He gave contests in rhyme
About all the damned time
But only to please his seraglio.

Or something. Limericks are *hard*.

proudgrampa May 12, 2009 at 2:01 pm

[re=314449]TGY[/re]: I am in AWE. (Had to look up “Seraglio.”). LOL!

Lazy Media May 12, 2009 at 2:02 pm

[re=314441]proudgrampa[/re]: There once was a girl from Nantucket
Who wrote dirty verse by the bucket
She rhymed cock with schlock,
Vadge with cadge, balls with smalls
And with orange she rhymed, um, ah….fuck it.

proudgrampa May 12, 2009 at 2:06 pm

[re=314473]Lazy Media[/re]: I KNEW America’s got talent!!

problemwithcaring May 12, 2009 at 2:07 pm

[re=314418]PopeyesPipe[/re]: Thank you! Last Thursday I went to this a comedy club in Inglewood for my sister’s birthday thinking I was about to laugh at some dumb Bill Bellamy big-booty jokes. We walk in loud and laughing already, wearing tiny dresses (scantily clad, yes), drunk and high (on the Man’s narcotics, yes) and who the fuck do we interrupt droning on upon the stage? Taalam Acey – the spoken word, “True Lies” dude. The Lakers’ game had pushed back “Def Floetry Jam” night and there he was up there complaining about the scantily clad ladies and narcotics in Black culture, while some guy painted besides him.

I mean, the guy makes an interesting documentaries, but really? At a nightclub, on my night off?

facehead May 12, 2009 at 2:18 pm

I can’t wait til Tony Hawk’s Boom Boom Huck Jam comes to the White House.

mrpuma2u May 12, 2009 at 2:38 pm

A slam hosted by Barack O,
With poets few people will know,
It will prolly be lame,
with the rhymes all the same,
But I’d beat up your mother to go.

Tommmcatt May 12, 2009 at 2:47 pm


It depends on which narcotic it was, actually.

mrpuma2u May 12, 2009 at 2:55 pm

Strange coincidence that today is Limerick day, or so it says on this goofy calender that a co-worker showed me.

proudgrampa May 12, 2009 at 3:07 pm

[re=314563]mrpuma2u[/re]: Really, I didn’t know!

GreatOldOnesParty May 12, 2009 at 6:36 pm

Krysten Sinema?
I didn’t know we had a pornstar for a representative!

merkureal May 13, 2009 at 1:46 am

James Earl Jones’ poem:

Barack, I AM your father!
Come over to the dark side.
Forget those Kansas crackers;
WE ARE your staunchest backers.

visit midtownphoenix.blogspot.com in a week or so to view the complete Fake News article on the White House Poetry Slam, from the paper that serves Slam participant Rep. Kyrsten Sinema’s constituents: The Midtown Messenger!

problemwithcaring May 13, 2009 at 7:48 pm

[re=314548]Tommmcatt[/re]: Just pot but after staying, I probably needed some crack….

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