American Taliban.Texas GOP clown Pete Sessions last made the news when he suggested the doomed Republicans become more like the Taliban. As the modern Republican is already a fundamentalist nut who buggers little boys, hates science, fears women and constantly fantasizes about being killed for/by God, the only thing left was for the remaining wingnuts to move into caves, with their tea bags and their goats. And this may well have happened, as only 21% of Americans reachable by telephone now admit to being Republican. Anyway, now Pete Sessions is saying Obama is intentionally (and magically) causing both unemployment and a decline in the stock markets. True, maybe?!

Sessions told The New York Times that the administration intends to “diminish employment and diminish stock prices” as part of a “divide and conquer” strategy.

And he asserted that the Obama agenda is “intended to inflict damage and hardship on the free enterprise system, if not to kill it.”

Please note that Sessions is not just another mouth-breathing brain-damaged-at-birth congressman from Dallas who loves to hear himself say weird things — Pete Sessions is the mouth-breathing brain-damaged-at-birth congressman from Dallas who loves to hear himself say weird things who is also chairman of the National Republican Congressional Committee. You know, the people charged with defending and winning House seats for the GOP.

It’s a great premise, of course: Nobama is personally causing millions of people to lose their jobs, through the witchcraft known as “The Lagging Indicator” and the Time Machine known as “job loss has been steadily increasing for 16 straight months now,” otherwise known as the “First 100 Days.” By demonically taking away the livelihood of working Americans, “The One” will …. somehow …. OKAY WHAT IN THE FUCK POSSIBLE POLITICAL BENEFIT COULD COME FROM MAKING MILLIONS OF VOTERS JOBLESS? HELP US OUT, PETE.

Let’s move on, to the next premise of this Conspiracy: The Obama Administration is also, concurrently, engaged in a sinister decline in stock prices. This will …. oh never mind, who even knows. The only problem with Al Barack Hussein’s “dark” magic against the stock market is that the S&P 500 is at a four-month high, even with today’s 1.6% drop.

And this is how Nobama creates his Socialist Dictatorship.

Rep. Pete Sessions accuses Obama of deliberately driving stock market down [Dallas News]

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  1. I’m not Pete, but I’ll help you out. Maybe by making us all lose our jobs, Obama would force many more of us to enlist, that way we could invade more countries and return his Muslim crown to him?

  2. Please note that Sessions is not just another mouth-breathing brain-damaged-at-birth congressman from Dallas who loves to hear himself say weird things — Pete Sessions is the mouth-breathing brain-damaged-at-birth congressman from Dallas who loves to hear himself say weird things who is also chairman of the National Republican Congressional Committee. You know, the people charged with defending and winning House seats for the GOP.

    I’m sensing a pattern here…

  3. NOBAMA is also responsibly for stealing alla my teefs outta my mouth!! He don’t want me bein’ responsible for chewing my own food and wants the gub’nent to do it instead!!

  4. I’m glad somebody has figured out Obama’s game. Perhaps now we can get back to the fiscal responsibility of the W years.

  5. Really, its time to get out the butterfly nets and straight jackets for anyone who has one of those Talibangelical Republicans in their family. I’m hoping here in Oklahoma mental hospitals will offer a “2 for 1 special” on committing the crazies so it doesn’t bankrupt too many families around here. We need to commit Republicans for their own personnel safety and that of the general public. Lets do it for PUBLIC SAFETY!

  6. To recap:
    To R’s leadership incompetence and destruction of the Constitution are wholesome American values and failure to use a secret ability control complex economic indicators to improve said indicators is a sneaky socialist conspiracy. A party of intellectual titans.

  7. A Christian Taliban society is exactly what the founding fathers had in mind. Don’t you know nuttin’ ’bout yer Murcan histry? Kudos and skittles, Rep. Sessions.

  8. It’s a cunning plan, Barry.

    I always felt that the biggest problem with conspiracy theories was actually developing the theory. Here, it seems that Rep. Sessions has done away with that minor detail and just shouts random allegations and leaves it the observer to do the heavy lifting.

  9. Not that I truely feel the need to explain for The Esteemed Cockmongler from Texas, but I think that Sessions is attempting to portray Barry as someone who is deliberately precipitating an economic/social crisis to fire up a little Marx-o-Muslin Rev’lution. I know, I know, that’s retarded, too, but Real America gets a kick out of it..

  10. Perhaps if we’re unemployed, we will be more likely to hang around the basketball court in the park, waiting for Our President to come challange us to a pick-up game. Then, through his grace on the court, we will be vote for him, regardless of our lack of jobs, houses, food, or shirts.

  11. oh come now msr. layne don’t be daft. of COURSE the point is to cause high unemployment and make the stock market 0 so that the people will be so mad with frenzy that they will accept nobama as the new fuhrer of the USSSSUASA (i think that’s how it’s gonna be spelled).

  12. I’m thinking there is some rule the Republicans have that says they need to have goofs in leadership roles. There is some greater purpose in having so-called “adults” hold childish, paranoid beliefs — somehow it will lead the rest of the country to see them as the Heroes of the Republic they see themselves to be. I’m just not seeing it, myself. but I’m probably a fascistic socialist atheistic muslin or something. so …

  13. Remember folks, this is the loony Sessions. The normal one is Alabama Senator Jeff Sessions, who was denied a lifetime appointment as a U.S. Circuit Court judge by the Republican Senate Judiciary Committee in 1986 (for racism), the committee in which he is now the Ranking Republican member.

  14. Don’t Republicans understand that having so many members that are batshit crazy benefits DEMOCRATS and not them?

    Note to GOP: Put the crazy aunts in your party into the crazy aunt closet.

  15. Dear Texas:

    If we promise to miss you, will you secede?

    Don’t let the door hit you on the ass on the way out.

    No love,

    The Lower 47

  16. [re=313530]Bearbloke[/re]: At least with Vince Foster, they came up with an elaborate conspiracy theory. Of course, they had the benefit of IT BEING ALL TRUE!

  17. Sessions is from that part o’ Tex-ass where “guv’mint” is baaaad. You know, that part where everyone does their own air traffic control and inter-state highway construction. Oh yeah, and meat inspection.

  18. Oh GOd, we can’t get rid of Sessions soon enough…as if there weren’t reason enough to hate him, thanks to Tom DeLay’s lovely redistricting, he was pitted against Martin Frost, a senior Democrat (and the only Jewish member of the TX delegation) in 2002. The North Dallas wingnuts chose Sessions. However, I cannot be held responsible for Pete’s craziness, as I am represented by Rep. Marchant – a slightly less crazy Repub.

  19. Sessions represents the Gray Stayda Tecsus’s 32nd district — Dallas,
    Richardson, Irving, Oak Cliff, and some smaller areas. (Dallas
    county is actually split up into several congressional districts;
    the 5th, the 3rd, the 24th … I think I’m forgetting at least one

  20. He and the guy from Alabama have the same Daddy-Uncle-Brother, they was just born’d from different sisters.
    Like Mikey say, dat’s how we roll up in here….

  21. Ok, so let’s all cross one of our eyes and look at this from a different angle- just think that not even fifty years ago folks like Sneaky Petey Sessions wouldn’t have given Obama credit for anything more than maybe having a huge pernis that he used to rape up the white wominns. Now, a black man CONTROLS THE UNIVERSE. P.R.O.G.R.E.S.S., betches. Suck on it.

  22. Actually, I overlooked the funny part of this the first
    time that I read it.

    Sessions says that Obama is causing the recession and
    job losses that began a year before his inauguration.

    I guess he is some sort of mysterious master of the magic
    arts …

  23. That durned Muslin stoled the pie what was cooling on ma’ windowsill. At least I think it was him. They all look alike to me. Sozialist, I mean.

  24. [re=313631]AKAM80TheWolf[/re]: Is Petey a Cat-lik, or is he jes’ lookin’ to take some ‘communion’ in the ol’ ‘rectory’?…

  25. Jeff/Pete Sessions:

    Does being a Republican elected official named “Sessions” automatically make you an idiot?

    No, you don’t need to be named “Sessions.”

  26. Wait, you mean I’m not directly responsible for the fact that I’m an unemployable loser? Sweet Jesus it feels good to blame that one on the Negro.

  27. Martin Van Buren was against Texas becoming part of the Union. Why couldn’t we listen, people, just that once to our eighth President?

  28. IMPLODE, Bastards! Kind of reminds me of the kamikaze pilots who still kept it up even when it was clear that Japan would lose. Tora! Tora! Tora!

  29. [re=313626]The Dallas Office[/re]:

    I’m sorry Texas, but you keep makin’ mistakes and sooner or later, I’m gonna hafta put ya down.

  30. “The NRCC’s chief spokesman, Ken Spain, defended the allegation that Obama – who has repeatedly vowed to help the economy recover – secretly welcomes a slump in employment and investments.”

    Since they all have to toe the party line, each one has to up the antee on crazy.
    So, when do they start drinking the Kool Aid?
    All we need is just one.

  31. None of this would have happened if McCain could get us into a few more wars and been able to increase the size of the military and useful economic activity of blowing stuff up and then issuing infrastructure rebuilding contracts.

  32. “And this is how Nobama creates his Socialist Dictatorship.” Please – that’s NATIONAL SOCIALIST Dictatorship.

    I’ve only skimmed, but I at least fully suppport the Retardlickens’ proposal to disappear into the tribal borderlands.

  33. Republican, ‘independent’, ‘libertarian’, ‘free-marketer’, ‘small government philosopher’, chemtrail conspiracist, black heli wierdo, Fremen, …

    They’re all just teabaggers, good for nothing but ridicule.

    No need for concentration camps though…

    Secession baby! Lone Star, one nation under Walker, Tex ass ranger.

    Take your whining to Preznit Norris, Sessions. We’re done with y’all, comrade.

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