REPUBLICANS IN THE NEWS  3:37 pm May 11, 2009

GOP Congressman Who Said Republicans Need To Be More Like the Taliban Now Says Obama Causing Unemployment On Purpose

by Ken Layne

American Taliban.Texas GOP clown Pete Sessions last made the news when he suggested the doomed Republicans become more like the Taliban. As the modern Republican is already a fundamentalist nut who buggers little boys, hates science, fears women and constantly fantasizes about being killed for/by God, the only thing left was for the remaining wingnuts to move into caves, with their tea bags and their goats. And this may well have happened, as only 21% of Americans reachable by telephone now admit to being Republican. Anyway, now Pete Sessions is saying Obama is intentionally (and magically) causing both unemployment and a decline in the stock markets. True, maybe?!

Sessions told The New York Times that the administration intends to “diminish employment and diminish stock prices” as part of a “divide and conquer” strategy.

And he asserted that the Obama agenda is “intended to inflict damage and hardship on the free enterprise system, if not to kill it.”

Please note that Sessions is not just another mouth-breathing brain-damaged-at-birth congressman from Dallas who loves to hear himself say weird things — Pete Sessions is the mouth-breathing brain-damaged-at-birth congressman from Dallas who loves to hear himself say weird things who is also chairman of the National Republican Congressional Committee. You know, the people charged with defending and winning House seats for the GOP.

It’s a great premise, of course: Nobama is personally causing millions of people to lose their jobs, through the witchcraft known as “The Lagging Indicator” and the Time Machine known as “job loss has been steadily increasing for 16 straight months now,” otherwise known as the “First 100 Days.” By demonically taking away the livelihood of working Americans, “The One” will …. somehow …. OKAY WHAT IN THE FUCK POSSIBLE POLITICAL BENEFIT COULD COME FROM MAKING MILLIONS OF VOTERS JOBLESS? HELP US OUT, PETE.

Let’s move on, to the next premise of this Conspiracy: The Obama Administration is also, concurrently, engaged in a sinister decline in stock prices. This will …. oh never mind, who even knows. The only problem with Al Barack Hussein’s “dark” magic against the stock market is that the S&P 500 is at a four-month high, even with today’s 1.6% drop.

And this is how Nobama creates his Socialist Dictatorship.

Rep. Pete Sessions accuses Obama of deliberately driving stock market down [Dallas News]

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ManchuCandidate May 11, 2009 at 3:41 pm

Especially unlike friend of the poor, job creator, peacemaker and noted wise genius G W. Bush.

Holy Cow!! May 11, 2009 at 3:43 pm

No wonder there party’s credibility is running out faster than Oprah’s freebie chicken at a KFC.

Joshua Norton May 11, 2009 at 3:43 pm

Like Bill Maher said. They don’t really have any real ideology anymore. They’re just a bunch of dicks.

Cape Clod May 11, 2009 at 3:44 pm

And what splendid corner of Texas does the distinguished Rep. Sessions come from?

BlueStateLibtard May 11, 2009 at 3:44 pm

I’m not Pete, but I’ll help you out. Maybe by making us all lose our jobs, Obama would force many more of us to enlist, that way we could invade more countries and return his Muslim crown to him?

Hart88 May 11, 2009 at 3:44 pm

Please note that Sessions is not just another mouth-breathing brain-damaged-at-birth congressman from Dallas who loves to hear himself say weird things — Pete Sessions is the mouth-breathing brain-damaged-at-birth congressman from Dallas who loves to hear himself say weird things who is also chairman of the National Republican Congressional Committee. You know, the people charged with defending and winning House seats for the GOP.

I’m sensing a pattern here…

chascates May 11, 2009 at 3:45 pm

So the cure for our economic woes would be lowering the tax rate on the highest earners?

Brendan M. May 11, 2009 at 3:46 pm

You see, Micheal Steele is Obama’s Bismarck, so it all makes sense. It is all strategic, baby!

cockfightbarmitzvah May 11, 2009 at 3:46 pm

NOBAMA is also responsibly for stealing alla my teefs outta my mouth!! He don’t want me bein’ responsible for chewing my own food and wants the gub’nent to do it instead!!

hobospacejunkie May 11, 2009 at 3:46 pm

I’m glad somebody has figured out Obama’s game. Perhaps now we can get back to the fiscal responsibility of the W years.

Bearbloke May 11, 2009 at 3:47 pm

Thank GAWD for Reel Merikins and True Republican Leaders like good ol’ Petey…

Cape Clod May 11, 2009 at 3:47 pm

[re=313495]ManchuCandidate[/re]: I like the new avatar, by the way.

Brendan M. May 11, 2009 at 3:47 pm

[re=313501]Joshua Norton[/re]: Rahm Emanuel is a dick. These guys are psychopaths.

GaySailor May 11, 2009 at 3:48 pm

Really, its time to get out the butterfly nets and straight jackets for anyone who has one of those Talibangelical Republicans in their family. I’m hoping here in Oklahoma mental hospitals will offer a “2 for 1 special” on committing the crazies so it doesn’t bankrupt too many families around here. We need to commit Republicans for their own personnel safety and that of the general public. Lets do it for PUBLIC SAFETY!

Brendan M. May 11, 2009 at 3:48 pm

Barack Obama turned me into a newt!

Crab1 May 11, 2009 at 3:49 pm

To recap:
To R’s leadership incompetence and destruction of the Constitution are wholesome American values and failure to use a secret ability control complex economic indicators to improve said indicators is a sneaky socialist conspiracy. A party of intellectual titans.

Texan Bulldoggette May 11, 2009 at 3:49 pm

Oh, hell. I thought that was Jeff Sessions from AL–because all old white Southern racists pretty much look alike.

RoscoePColtraine May 11, 2009 at 3:49 pm

A Christian Taliban society is exactly what the founding fathers had in mind. Don’t you know nuttin’ ’bout yer Murcan histry? Kudos and skittles, Rep. Sessions.

rambone May 11, 2009 at 3:50 pm

It’s a cunning plan, Barry.

I always felt that the biggest problem with conspiracy theories was actually developing the theory. Here, it seems that Rep. Sessions has done away with that minor detail and just shouts random allegations and leaves it the observer to do the heavy lifting.

Bearbloke May 11, 2009 at 3:51 pm

[re=313506]Hart88[/re]: If that’s the case, then he needs a National Dunce-cap Platform ASAP!

Bearbloke May 11, 2009 at 3:51 pm

[re=313518]Brendan M.[/re]: …but it got better!

Bearbloke May 11, 2009 at 3:53 pm

[re=313523]rambone[/re]: Standard GOP procedure for the past 15 years, no?

freakishlystrong May 11, 2009 at 3:53 pm

So, people elected him? Oh wait, Texas. Nevermind….

snideinplainsight May 11, 2009 at 3:53 pm

Cupcake – duck. Duck – cupcake.

SmutBoffin May 11, 2009 at 3:55 pm

Not that I truely feel the need to explain for The Esteemed Cockmongler from Texas, but I think that Sessions is attempting to portray Barry as someone who is deliberately precipitating an economic/social crisis to fire up a little Marx-o-Muslin Rev’lution. I know, I know, that’s retarded, too, but Real America gets a kick out of it..

51dimes May 11, 2009 at 3:56 pm

Perhaps if we’re unemployed, we will be more likely to hang around the basketball court in the park, waiting for Our President to come challange us to a pick-up game. Then, through his grace on the court, we will be vote for him, regardless of our lack of jobs, houses, food, or shirts.

finland May 11, 2009 at 3:57 pm

oh come now msr. layne don’t be daft. of COURSE the point is to cause high unemployment and make the stock market 0 so that the people will be so mad with frenzy that they will accept nobama as the new fuhrer of the USSSSUASA (i think that’s how it’s gonna be spelled).

Cape Clod May 11, 2009 at 3:57 pm

Ah, he’s from Dallas. So, this is W’s representative to congress.


qwerty42 May 11, 2009 at 4:00 pm

I’m thinking there is some rule the Republicans have that says they need to have goofs in leadership roles. There is some greater purpose in having so-called “adults” hold childish, paranoid beliefs — somehow it will lead the rest of the country to see them as the Heroes of the Republic they see themselves to be. I’m just not seeing it, myself. but I’m probably a fascistic socialist atheistic muslin or something. so …

Come here a minute May 11, 2009 at 4:02 pm

Remember folks, this is the loony Sessions. The normal one is Alabama Senator Jeff Sessions, who was denied a lifetime appointment as a U.S. Circuit Court judge by the Republican Senate Judiciary Committee in 1986 (for racism), the committee in which he is now the Ranking Republican member.

Hawaiiexpat May 11, 2009 at 4:02 pm


El Pinche May 11, 2009 at 4:03 pm

koo koo!

Scrodd May 11, 2009 at 4:05 pm

Don’t Republicans understand that having so many members that are batshit crazy benefits DEMOCRATS and not them?

Note to GOP: Put the crazy aunts in your party into the crazy aunt closet.

tehbenton May 11, 2009 at 4:07 pm

Dear Texas:

If we promise to miss you, will you secede?

Don’t let the door hit you on the ass on the way out.

No love,

The Lower 47

the lady MS.Sheila Dixon May 11, 2009 at 4:07 pm

[re=313500]Holy Cow!![/re]: leave mah kinfolk outta this!11!!

Bearbloke May 11, 2009 at 4:13 pm

[re=313554]Scrodd[/re]: NO NO!! Put the ‘Crazy Aunts’ on tv, all day, every day…

19kevin8 May 11, 2009 at 4:15 pm

Damn that gay agenda!

imissopus May 11, 2009 at 4:16 pm

[re=313535]SmutBoffin[/re]: Esteemed Cockmongler = WIN.

proudgrampa May 11, 2009 at 4:17 pm

[re=313516]GaySailor[/re]: “Talibangelical Republicans” – THAT, my friends, is perfect imagery! Well done!

Brendan M. May 11, 2009 at 4:19 pm

[re=313530]Bearbloke[/re]: At least with Vince Foster, they came up with an elaborate conspiracy theory. Of course, they had the benefit of IT BEING ALL TRUE!

IonaTrailer May 11, 2009 at 4:26 pm

Sessions is from that part o’ Tex-ass where “guv’mint” is baaaad. You know, that part where everyone does their own air traffic control and inter-state highway construction. Oh yeah, and meat inspection.

IonaTrailer May 11, 2009 at 4:27 pm

Or what the fuck – Alabama. Same smell.

louisev May 11, 2009 at 4:30 pm

That’s not moving into caves with their teabags and goats, it’s moving into caves with their teabags and GALTS.

proudgrampa May 11, 2009 at 4:36 pm

the lady MS.Sheila Dixon: My favorite: “No chicken, or just out of chicken?”

The Dallas Office May 11, 2009 at 4:38 pm

Oh GOd, we can’t get rid of Sessions soon enough…as if there weren’t reason enough to hate him, thanks to Tom DeLay’s lovely redistricting, he was pitted against Martin Frost, a senior Democrat (and the only Jewish member of the TX delegation) in 2002. The North Dallas wingnuts chose Sessions. However, I cannot be held responsible for Pete’s craziness, as I am represented by Rep. Marchant – a slightly less crazy Repub.

Nurtz May 11, 2009 at 4:40 pm

Sessions represents the Gray Stayda Tecsus’s 32nd district — Dallas,
Richardson, Irving, Oak Cliff, and some smaller areas. (Dallas
county is actually split up into several congressional districts;
the 5th, the 3rd, the 24th … I think I’m forgetting at least one

Accordion-o-rama May 11, 2009 at 4:41 pm

It’s not clear to me how the Republicans could be “more like the Taliban”.

dijetlo May 11, 2009 at 4:43 pm

He and the guy from Alabama have the same Daddy-Uncle-Brother, they was just born’d from different sisters.
Like Mikey say, dat’s how we roll up in here….

AKAM80TheWolf May 11, 2009 at 4:43 pm

Sounds like ol’ Petey just needs a ‘Sexytime’ session on the beach with a hot Latino priest.

nappyduggs May 11, 2009 at 4:45 pm

Ok, so let’s all cross one of our eyes and look at this from a different angle- just think that not even fifty years ago folks like Sneaky Petey Sessions wouldn’t have given Obama credit for anything more than maybe having a huge pernis that he used to rape up the white wominns. Now, a black man CONTROLS THE UNIVERSE. P.R.O.G.R.E.S.S., betches. Suck on it.

double_wide May 11, 2009 at 4:47 pm

The queen! The Vatican! The Gettys! The Rothschilds…

RabidHamster May 11, 2009 at 4:54 pm


Nurtz May 11, 2009 at 4:55 pm

Actually, I overlooked the funny part of this the first
time that I read it.

Sessions says that Obama is causing the recession and
job losses that began a year before his inauguration.

I guess he is some sort of mysterious master of the magic
arts …

american mutt May 11, 2009 at 5:03 pm

[re=313653]Nurtz[/re]: Can it be? Is he? Is he the “Magic Negro”?

SnarkNotFark May 11, 2009 at 5:08 pm

That durned Muslin stoled the pie what was cooling on ma’ windowsill. At least I think it was him. They all look alike to me. Sozialist, I mean.

azw88 May 11, 2009 at 5:15 pm

[re=313629]Accordion-o-rama[/re]: Burkas and head-rags, oh, and beards

american mutt May 11, 2009 at 5:17 pm

[re=313663]SnarkNotFark[/re]: ah, snark rich with metaphor and history.

Bearbloke May 11, 2009 at 5:20 pm

[re=313631]AKAM80TheWolf[/re]: Is Petey a Cat-lik, or is he jes’ lookin’ to take some ‘communion’ in the ol’ ‘rectory’?…

V572625694 May 11, 2009 at 5:24 pm

Jeff/Pete Sessions:

Does being a Republican elected official named “Sessions” automatically make you an idiot?

No, you don’t need to be named “Sessions.”

zenferret May 11, 2009 at 5:28 pm

So is Sessions dumber than the black dog Bo Obama? Or am I confusing threads again?

birdyface May 11, 2009 at 5:43 pm

It is so fitting that he’s from Dallas since he looks like J.R. Ewing.

TimesUp May 11, 2009 at 6:09 pm

Will you let us know when they start putting some of these treasonous assholes against the wall?

P Drizzle May 11, 2009 at 6:20 pm

Wait, you mean I’m not directly responsible for the fact that I’m an unemployable loser? Sweet Jesus it feels good to blame that one on the Negro.

Jukesgrrl May 11, 2009 at 6:55 pm

But I LIKE living in Nu-Sweden.

engulfedinflames May 11, 2009 at 6:56 pm

it’s o. k. to be crazy, you’re just not allowed to look crazy while you’re doing it.

Zorg May 11, 2009 at 7:05 pm

Martin Van Buren was against Texas becoming part of the Union. Why couldn’t we listen, people, just that once to our eighth President?

jilly May 11, 2009 at 7:09 pm

IMPLODE, Bastards! Kind of reminds me of the kamikaze pilots who still kept it up even when it was clear that Japan would lose. Tora! Tora! Tora!

AKAM80TheWolf May 11, 2009 at 7:56 pm


He intends to convene a joint session of sexual congress.

AKAM80TheWolf May 11, 2009 at 7:57 pm

[re=313626]The Dallas Office[/re]:

I’m sorry Texas, but you keep makin’ mistakes and sooner or later, I’m gonna hafta put ya down.

GreatOldOnesParty May 11, 2009 at 9:09 pm

“The NRCC’s chief spokesman, Ken Spain, defended the allegation that Obama – who has repeatedly vowed to help the economy recover – secretly welcomes a slump in employment and investments.”

Since they all have to toe the party line, each one has to up the antee on crazy.
So, when do they start drinking the Kool Aid?
All we need is just one.

Bruno May 11, 2009 at 9:09 pm

How many of those telephones called were grandma’s picking up their Ma Bell phone vs. I-phone users?

Bruno May 11, 2009 at 9:12 pm

None of this would have happened if McCain could get us into a few more wars and been able to increase the size of the military and useful economic activity of blowing stuff up and then issuing infrastructure rebuilding contracts.

NYNYNY May 11, 2009 at 10:43 pm

[re=313520]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: Pete and Jeff Sessions are actually 1st cousins. And, coincidentally, father and son.

oldguy May 12, 2009 at 9:09 am

“And this is how Nobama creates his Socialist Dictatorship.” Please – that’s NATIONAL SOCIALIST Dictatorship.

I’ve only skimmed, but I at least fully suppport the Retardlickens’ proposal to disappear into the tribal borderlands.

Atlas Spanked May 12, 2009 at 12:16 pm

Republican, ‘independent’, ‘libertarian’, ‘free-marketer’, ‘small government philosopher’, chemtrail conspiracist, black heli wierdo, Fremen, …

They’re all just teabaggers, good for nothing but ridicule.

No need for concentration camps though…

Secession baby! Lone Star, one nation under Walker, Tex ass ranger.

Take your whining to Preznit Norris, Sessions. We’re done with y’all, comrade.

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