It is nerd Christmas here at Wonkette, because the incomparable Brian Lamb has read a particularly tawdry headline from our humble site to the subject of that tawdry headline on his book show, “Q&A.” We refer, of course, to “Misogynist Neck-Beard Ross Douthat Shares His Sexy Stories.”

Douthat is basically given a chance to explain why, in his book about Harvard douchebags, he wrote about being so repelled when he was pawed by a girl on birth control. His answer: well, it fits into the larger context of the “Harvard hook-up culture,” in which women try not to get impregnated by drunken prematurely balding homunculi, which is very elitist compared to working-class Americans who will just fuck bareback all the time because who cares if they have kids, being so futureless and all.

Thank you to “clovernode” for bringing this important recording of Brian Lamb saying “misogynist neck-beard” to our attention.

Q&A with Ross Douthat [C-SPAN Video Library]

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  • Crab1

    I’ve always been told that ability to mitigate future negative consequences is indeed an exclusively elitist trait.

  • bago

    So many vanquished sperm died in the shores of that cervix. A moment of silence please, to allow Ross to mourn in peace.

  • Mild Midwesterner

    His answers are nearly as coherent as Miss Teen South Carolina’s.

  • hobospacejunkie

    [re=313023]Crab1[/re]: Future negative consequences here meaning ‘being thought of as a heterosexual.’

  • Bison

    Bwahahaha! Now that’s gotcha journalism to believe in!

  • A Better American Than YOU

    He looks much more impotent as a moving, talking image.

  • Texan Bulldoggette

    Why is he dissing casual hook ups? He ought to be thankful some girl was so drunk she considered bumping uglies with this dumbass.

  • TGY

    He does a good impersonation of ‘stunned mullet geek’.

  • ChernobylSoup

    The most titillating exchange in the history of CSPAN. What, did the producers think it was ratings week?

  • magic titty

    Hmm. “misogynist neck-beard” might just become my new screenname…

  • nbawriter

    If C-SPAN keeps this up, people are actually going to watch it. Next week Brian Lamb will have K-Lo and Jonah Goldberg on and ask them if they are fuck buddies.

  • Bison

    And what kind of desperate schnauzer would it take to bed this fugly bastard without even the slightest hope of getting him on the hook for some sweet, sweet child support?

  • bago

    Soo.. wait. He’s saying you have to be an elite at Harvard to master the complex technology of a jimmy-hat?

  • x111e7thst

    [re=313036]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: I’m guessing no girl was ever that drunk. No one wanted to play with him so he decided he didn’t want to play that dunb game anyway.

  • Decker

    “Not every chapter is successful” = “mistakes were made” for the neck-bearded literati.

    Brian Lamb is sharper than Anne Coulter’s Adam’s apple.

  • hockeymom

    He’s so doughy looking. Pillsbury Douthat.

  • Crab1

    [re=313030]hobospacejunkie[/re]: Perhaps he would have been all about the occasional rando if his Bangor strumpet had been a Bangkok ladyboy.

  • sanantonerose

    Not entirely successful chapter.

  • ManchuCandidate

    Yes. See Sarah and Bristol Palin.

  • snideinplainsight

    Ya know, I have been reading here a while, and I have to say, I don’t believe that’s a particularly tawdry headline for this place. I think it fits right in.

    Don’t believe it? Just stand up in a public place, and read all the headlines in order for the last say five days. Since I’m seldom in public places, I can’t really try this myself – but let me know how it goes.

  • Mark Sanford


  • Monsieur Grumpe

    He needs a nice incurable parasite implanted in him.

  • WadISay

    Yawn, I missed the book. In his drunken state, is he sure it wasn’t his fist he was having this conversation with?

  • charlesdegoal

    So what makes him “cringe the most”. i don’t really want to buy the book to find out.

  • nbawriter

    I guess we shouldn’t underestimate the number of Harvard chippies with a man-tit fetish.

  • bago

    Someone booked an ad for mothers day that had its flight last beyond motherday. Is to laugh.

  • trophy(forparticipation)wife
  • iolanthe

    Awesome! Squirmin’ like a worm. As an ancient geekessa, I have known many prim little self-satisfied Asperger’s sufferers like Ross.

    My guess? That encounter never happened. Or it happened, but to one of his friends … um … acquaintances. I cannot imagine Ross has friends outside of his D&D game.

    I don’t buy the “it was about how risk-averse the Harvardians are” thing, either. I’m not even sure he was squicked by the birth control, other than to work in his fierce and pure ideological disapproval of that practice.

    He is clearly just squicked by the prospect of sex with a *gurrrrl*.

    It’s just nothing like sex with a priest, the way God intended good little nerdy Catholic suckup boys to get their rocks off.

  • Bison

    Douchemat forgot to add that you don’t know this promiscuous girl because he met her at Niagara Falls, but yes she is too real.

  • Professor Proffy McProfalton, Prof.

    First, love when SKS brings the Douthate.

    Second, Jesus. Never going to have a culture of safe sex among the working class? Jesus. I guess the grease in the hair of a speedway operator really is all that a tremulous heart requires.

  • Airborne Toxic Event

    What I meant to say, in my minimally self-aggrandizing fashion, is you know, Harvard, and I mean in that when, in terms of the actual event and my own personal. Wait let me start over.

  • A Better American Than YOU

    A Haiku for Ross

    Babies in the trash.
    Neck-Beard regrets legions lost.
    Vaseline. Kleenex.

  • iolanthe

    So — how many here bet he’s going to be shaving that neck beard soon? If he had actual friends, one of them would have told him how stupid it looks. But he only has us to tell him the truth.

    I’ll bet Ross has pudgy doughy fingers, and smells like soap. He looks like every boy-molesting teacher I’ve ever known.

  • iolanthe

    [re=313075]Bison[/re]: Ah, yes … the Mysterious Canadian Girlfriend who has “done it” or “nearly done it” with generations of friendless and unattractive little geeks.

  • Woodwards Friend

    “This Wonkette Thing” is the “series of tubes” of 2009.

  • Come here a minute

    Brian Lamb = Manchucandidate? Naked Bunny w/a Whip?

    C-SPAN does not do opinion.

    Anonymous snark? Why not?

  • iolanthe

    [re=313082]Airborne Toxic Event[/re]: Well done.

  • trophy(forparticipation)wife

    Am I the only one who thinks that he looks like such a Liberal? It’s disorienting.

  • iolanthe

    Look! It’s a picture of Ross with *both* of his beards:

    She’s cute. He must be holding her family hostage or something.

  • Fear of a Black Reagan

    Harvard hook-up culture?!?! Ahahahahaha. OMG that’s funny because no one ever has sex at Harvard.

  • ericblair

    If he’s an example of the “American elite,” I’m glad to be a peon.

  • jaba the slut

    [re=313083]A Better American Than YOU[/re]:

    More Gin and Tonic:
    Homunculi jizz release?
    Penis not working.

  • trophy(forparticipation)wife

    [re=313101]jaba the slut[/re]: Definitely the WIZARD’S brother. Rockin’ a clock. You know, the hybrid?

  • facehead

    Maybe someday he’ll be an editor at Wonkette.

  • imissopus

    So a girl wanting to have a drunken one-night stand and not come out of it with the millstone of a child around her neck is an indication of an entire culture being “risk-averse”? Wow, what insight. The bidding war for his manuscript must have been crazy. Note to Neck Beard: sex with a drunken coed does not need to be over-thought or placed in its correct sociopolitical context either before, during, or after the event. Next time your shoot your load on some broad’s inner thigh and trudge back across campus to your lonely dorm room, head down to indicate abject shame, do not try to make yourself feel better by turning it into a chapter for your sociology thesis. Also.

  • SmutBoffin

    Ross Douthat: Baby, I been havin a tough night so treat me nice aight?
    Sexy Harvard Lady: Aight.
    Ross: Slip out of those pants baby, yeah.
    S.H.L.: I slip out of my pants, just for you, Ross.
    Ross: Oh yeah, aight. Aight, I put on my robe and wizard hat.
    S.H.L.: Oh, I like to play dress up.
    Ross: Me too baby.
    S.H.L.: I kiss you softly on your chest.
    Ross: I cast Lvl 3 Eroticism. You turn into a real beautiful woman.
    S.H.L.: Hey…
    Ross: I meditate to regain my mana, before casting Lvl 8 Penis of the Infinite.
    S.H.L.: Funny I still don’t see it.
    Ross: I spend my mana reserves to cast Mighty of the Beyondness.
    S.H.L.: You are the worst cyber partner ever. This is ridiculous.

  • Blender

    Maybe it’s because I went to a second-tier school, but all I heard in that clip was, “blah blah blah blah WONKETTE blah blah blah blah blah…”

    Was there any point to this, except for us to hear this site’s name said by A Very Important Person at The New York Times? Is Wonkette the new Firedoglake? Are we all doomed? Should I be ashamed that even Ross-fucking-Douthat almost scored on a sweet, juicy Harvardy cream muffin and I never ever ever will?

  • Obamaton

    A serious discussion of something written at Wonkette?




  • Custerwolf

    Douthat apparently missed the handout they distribute in the C-SPAN green room that warns guests who find themslevs in a hole to quit digging.

  • Retard Strength

    What about the part of the interview where he claims there’s no conservative “slot” at the NYT, that his taking over for Kristol was a coincidence? Ross was aghast that anyone could even think such a thing.

  • sati demise

    That film=so full of win. awestruck.

    [re=313113]SmutBoffin[/re]: best screenplay; Harvard ‘elite’/limp dick storyline.

  • GreatOldOnesParty

    “Hook-up Culture”?
    Tom Wolfe needs to sue this neck-bearded geek!

  • GreatOldOnesParty

    [re=313113]SmutBoffin[/re]: you win the internet today!

  • 102415

    Jesus, what a pig. I actually did throw up this time and I’m thinking so did the poor girl when she sobered up. Douchhat it is. And as a born to the working class woman of days long ago when we first told kids about birth control when they needed it most. I can tell you Mr. Douchhat that yes it works! and I have no unwanted mistakes amongst my born children and thus never became one of those welfare mothers we still hear so much about.
    Sadly, I’m not Governor of anybody either.

  • iolanthe

    [re=313113]SmutBoffin[/re]: Awesome. You made me snort my coffee …

  • GreatOldOnesParty

    Anyone else thinks he both looks and sounds like those effeminate Harvard elite he seems to envy? And I can’t wait for the broad he wrote about to come forward and tell the world that Wonkette was right.

  • lazyb

    [re=313068]trophy(forparticipation)wife[/re]: Oh, I get it. Ross Doughthat is rich. Should have guessed it. As Ann Richards said, he was born on third base and thinks he’d be fuckable without a trust fund.

  • problemwithcaring

    His anus-puckered face is all the careful birth control the working class need. Can we bottle that?

  • V572625694

    It’s pretty clear that this is a warning: the obscenity, snark, misogyny, offers to “hit that,” and Truck Nutz! references need to be ramped up, lest Wonkette be admitted to the MSM petting zoo along with TPM and Slate.

  • lawrenceofthedesert

    Based on this non-interview, which is Douthat babbling like a Harvard grad student caught in headlights (from the indy movie “Entitled Bambi”), Texans may have to change their glorious saying from “big hat, no cattle,” to “Douthat, no cattle.”

  • Custerwolf

    I hate to be a nasty bitch here Douthat, but you look like you’re retaining more water than the county dike we just had repaired.

  • Custerwolf

    [re=313166]lazyb[/re]: No amount of cash could ever make that dude fuckable.

  • lampadadog

    Thankfully he communicates by writing rather than speaking aloud, or he would not have a job. Does he utter a single sentence with a subject and verb?

    The moral of the story is, when drunken, fleshy coeds on the pill try to make out with you and you can’t get it up, it’s a manifestation of the broader way in which there’s sort of an idea of safety and you know, the broader context of careerism, and the idea of being risk-averse, in the larger critique of a hook-up culture, which is a manifestation of the culture of Harvard, sort of, you know, the idea of a birth control having, the risk aversion, and a safe sex culture that could not be created elsewhere. If only he could have sunk his wand into the lean, dirty thighs of a working-class Catholic who didn’t mind taking a chance on love without birth control. This man was a thwarted romantic, and I’m glad to know that he finally found love in the arms of a very non-careerist, Harvard summa-cum-laude journalist. God I hope she was a virgin.

  • A Better American Than YOU

    My kid was considering going to an elite-ass Yankee school until I told him about the sort of people who actually do that. This video put the nail in the coffin. I also said that Southeast Conference nookie could be just as smart and interesting, was more physically fit, and did not talk about their therapists.

  • V572625694

    [re=313210]A Better American Than YOU[/re]: You’re raising that boy right! All womanhood aspires to the pinnacle of The Cheerleader.

  • Robotmonster

    “Second, Jesus. Never going to have a culture of safe sex among the working class? Jesus. I guess the grease in the hair of a speedway operator really is all that a tremulous heart requires.”

    For that Smiths quote I thank you, you magnificent bastard!

  • Lascauxcaveman

    [re=313094]iolanthe[/re]: She is kind of cute. Almost like a slightly chubby Reese Whitherspoon (or Meg Ryan, or whomever).

  • Gopherit

    Hey…Ross is right! Whatever happened to the romance of a one night stand?

  • Gopherit

    [re=313195]lampadadog[/re]: Seriously. When you have whiskey-dick, blame it on the slut doing the dirty talk. Couldn’t she talk about Jesus or something? That puts lead in Russ’ pencil.

  • Lascauxcaveman

    It has come to my attention the the C-Span video player has easily the best picture-and-sound quality of all the services that offer little video snippets on the the internets.

    Really unfortunate, in this case.

  • PAbitter

    And my parent’s warned me about the f$%^ers who live down South. Three years at one of those “elite-ass Yankee schools” and I never had to listen to anyone talk about their therapists. However, I’ve still had to put up with people talking about that “wonderful Southern culture” i.e. screwing over black people and losing wars. Oh yeah, and grits.

  • mikeyboypdx

    I wouldn’t fuck Douthat with Rush Limbaugh’s micropenis.

    And I’ll fuck nearly anyone.

  • A Better American Than YOU

    [re=313296]PAbitter[/re]: We call it “polenta” and doubled the price for Ivy Leaguers.

    And in the South, many of us do not pluralize “parent” by adding an apostrophe and an s — as you were taught.

  • heroinmule

    So I gather that this no-neck monster thinks that the mating rituals of state-school girls entail doing coke, spreading their legs, and shouting “IMPREGNATE ME” at frat boys sans birth control? Enough about sorority initiations. Something tells me my fellow state-school gals are far more resourceful when it comes to managing reproductive issues (in addition to being better at sex). Nerds are right up there with Christians when it comes to this stuff. Pardon the allusion to Cat on a Hot Tin Roof. I didn’t quite get what Maggie meant until seeing this mug.

  • RabidHamster

    Safe sex means not getting pregnant? Wow, when did we flash back to pre-1982?

  • clovernode

    I could lurk no more when I saw my beloved Wonkette featured in such a hilarious manner on CSpan last night – I laughed out loud at the TV, which is rare. (I watch Book TV on Sundays sometimes, what can I say, I have no life.)

    The interview gets even funnier towards the end, when Brian Lamb has to interrupt Ross’s painfully tedious explanation, to press for the end of the interview. Yay for Nerd Christmas!

  • sezme

    Ross Douthat is neither gay nor straight. He is a virgin. He masturbates to imagined buttocks of indeterminate gender, but he never looks at pornography ( because he would consider that cheating on his wife, a woman with whom he has never had sexual intercourse, although she is becoming nearly as good at giving him hand-jobs as he himself is. He closes is eyes while she does this and does not reciprocate. So far her sexual score with him can be described as pink:0, stink:0. In conclusion, Ross Douthat is not only history’s greatest monster, he also manages to make David Frum look virile and, somehow, normal.


    [re=313113]SmutBoffin[/re]: Agreed. Funny.

  • Lionel Hutz Esq.

    Wow, so Wonkette is now a legitimate source. Or is Brian Lamb getting ready to retire, and he is only going to use Wonkette and the Onion as sources from now on.

    Either way, $10 to Brian if he uses one of my jokes to cross up some Republican.

    But isn’t the scary thing that apparently to be a Republican Intellectual, you have to have problems getting it up? From Limbaugh and his little blue pill, to Douthat, your key to authenticity among other wingnuts is that women leave you limp.

  • JJPasadena

    Nice try Ross. After seeing what he looks like, I would pay a $1000 just to see his reaction to reading about himself in the “hook-up” girl’s diary! It probably would have read something like this: “Oh God…I feel like shit this morning. I drank waaaaaaaaaaay too much last night. Way too much. And what in the fuck was I thinking? That guy was so gay! Like literally…! I look like Reese Witherspoon but only if she had a nice ass, and he still couldn’t get it up! I bet he’s one of those righties who is so in denial about being gay that he goes around knit-picking women about all the reasons why WE can’t get HIM up. Poor guy…God now that I think about it, I feel like I was trying to fuck Karl Rove last night!? I need a shower!”

    So I apologize to every female reading this for my attempt at recreating a woman’s inner-voice as she would write in her diary about how above thick girls Ross Douthat is.

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