‘Star Trek’ Movie Sparks Massive Nerd War On Political Internet

by Jim Newell

You may have read on the Internet that this week’s big movie release is the “new” original Star Trek movie, and it is going to make millions of dollars. It is the latest manifestation of Hollywood studios’ race to abandon all creativity: after a popular movie series like Batman or Superman has run its course, just start over and make the first one again. Critics then praise the director’s “new vision,” and political writers note that all of the characters are famous politicians, secretly, in real life. Everyone remembers last year’s important Wall Street Journal column, “George Bush Jr. Is The Bat Man.” This year’s version? “Barack Obama is the Spock.” Steady yourself…

The best Obama/Spock political column thus far has come from Salon, in a piece quite comically titled, “Obama is Spock: It’s quite logical.” What the author, Jeff Greenwald, is implying with this headline is, “LOOK, just hear me out for a sec, I’ve really thought about this.”

Like Spock, part of what makes Obama so appealing is the fact that although he’s an outsider — “proudly alien,” as Leonard Nimoy once put it — he uses that distance to cultivate a sense of perspective. And while we’re drawn to Spock’s exotic traits — the pointy ears, green blood and weird mating rituals — we take comfort in his soothing baritone, prominent nose and ordinary teeth.

FAP FAP FAP *clap* *clap* *clap*

The early Spock’s only real vice was sardonic ire (often directed at McCoy). But this was also one of his most appealing qualities — because Spock, as Jenkins gleefully asserts, is “someone who can bitch slap you with his brain.” It’s an ability shared by Obama — who, unlike Spock, doesn’t employ that superpower recreationally. His brilliance isn’t a defense (or defended by sarcasm). While Obama embodies Spock’s passion for reason, he adds the element of warmth.

Don’t know if we’re more scared of Barack Obama or Jeff Greenwald right now. Let’s just move onto Newsweek‘s presumptuous contribution, “We’re All Trekkies Now.”

All through the election campaign, columnists compared President Obama’s unflappably logical demeanor and prominent ears with Mr. Spock’s [Don't recall that -- Ed.]. But as Spock’s complicated racial backstory is spun out in detail in the new “Trek”—right back into childhood—the Obama parallels keep deepening. Like Obama, Spock is the product of a mixed marriage (actually, an interstellar mixed marriage), and he suffers blunt manifestations of prejudice as a result. As played by Zachary Quinto, the young Spock loves his human mother, but longs to assimilate completely into his Vulcan father Sarek’s ways, eschewing messy emotions the way all Vulcans do. Young Spock is constantly being told by Vulcans and humans alike that he’s either seething with inappropriate emotions—indeed, he takes Kirk by the throat at one point—or that he’s not emotional enough and shouldn’t be so repressed. Obama may or may not be a fan—the White House says he isn’t, but Trekkies have claimed him as one of their breed ever since he said, “I grew up on ‘Star Trek’—I believe in the final frontier,” at a campaign stop last year. If he does check out the new movie, I can imagine he might feel a special empathy for Spock’s position, given the chattering class’s insistence that he needs to show more emotion, too.

Holy… holy shit… Barack Obama’s nominating Dr. Spock to the Supreme Court, isn’t he? Try smearing that, Jeffrey Rosen.

Finally, and most tragically, Newsbusters is actually taking serious offense to this Newsweek bullshit:

In a transparently unhinged and partisan hit job against several Bush administration officials, Newsweek thought it would be amusing to compare the Bush era and the Obama era by analogizing them with Star Wars and Star Trek respectively. Naturally Newsweek’s Bush Derangement Syndrome was given full throated expression — phasers set to kill not to stun — as the Bush administration officials were noted as representing one or the other of the evil Star Wars characters while all the Obama officials were compared to the good guys in Star Trek. What we get is the typical Old Media talking point: Bush evil/ Obama good.


VP Biden is compared to D. McCoy with this odd caption: “Salty motormouth who thinks he knows best.” This I find to be an insult to McCoy because Dr. McCoy was never in the Star Trek series the clown that Biden is in real life.

Finally, we get Bill Clinton compared to the scarred and withered version of Star Trek’s Captain Pike, the man that commanded the Enterprise before Captain Kirk did in the TV series. Bill Clinton is like Pike because he was “so talented, so promising… so damaged.” And this too is a bad analogy. Pike is nothing like the disloyal, womanizing Clinton. All Captain Pike fans should be telling Newsweek to shove it.

“All Captain Pike fans” probably have bigger issues to deal with than the Newsweek magazine.

Keep it coming, Internet!

Obama is Spock: It’s quite logical [Salon]
We’re All Trekkies Now [Newsweek]
Newsweek Compares Bush Era as Star Wars to Obama’s as Star Trek [Newsbusters]

Related video

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Scandinavian Fetus May 8, 2009 at 6:02 pm

Is Tiberius slapping himself?

Tommmcatt May 8, 2009 at 6:05 pm

Katherine Jean Lopez is the blobby, chancre-looking alien from that one episode.

A Better American Than YOU May 8, 2009 at 6:05 pm

The Andy Hardy movies had a pretty good run. About time to dust those babies off. Stella, get me Mickey Rooney!

GreatOldOnesParty May 8, 2009 at 6:08 pm

So when do the DUNE or Battlefield Earth comparisons going to come out?
Obama = Muad’Dib!
Rush Limbaugh = Baron Vladimir Harkkonen!

InsidiousTuna May 8, 2009 at 6:08 pm

Jesus Christ.

InsidiousTuna May 8, 2009 at 6:10 pm

[re=312341]GreatOldOnesParty[/re]: Rush Limbaugh = Baron <a href=””Vladimir Harkonnen!


Brendan M. May 8, 2009 at 6:11 pm

Urge to kill rising…

InsidiousTuna May 8, 2009 at 6:12 pm

[re=312347]InsidiousTuna[/re]: i suck.

GreatOldOnesParty May 8, 2009 at 6:13 pm

*correction: “Harkonnen”
I knew there were two consonants in a row somewhere in there.

Tra May 8, 2009 at 6:14 pm

Oh God. It’s only a matter of time before Jonah Goldberg weighs in on this with a 50,000-word, Cheetos-stained manifesto. Run now, while you still can.

V572625694 May 8, 2009 at 6:14 pm

It’s finally happened: Boomers now think that “Star Trek” is literally true, like the Bible, rather than a somewhat-less-than-shitty sci-fi series from the late Sixties.

Well that’s okay, cuz you Gen-X dweebs believe in “Star Wars,” and it’s profoundly lame.

Brendan M. May 8, 2009 at 6:15 pm

You know, I met the real Dr. Spock’s grandson at a college alumni reunion/kegger once. He made some time with an attractive lady-friend of mine, and I was quite empathetic. I don’t think he had much in common with the president, but I am not paid to write nonsensical bullshit, either.

Neilist May 8, 2009 at 6:17 pm

Hillary Clinton is the Planet Omnicron III, right?

I mean, her butt is so big, Spock mistook her pantsuit for a solar ellipse.

(Those early tricorders were real Pieces of Shiqt.)

twitterpaters May 8, 2009 at 6:18 pm

salacious movie critic Jonah Goldberg says:

“It’s just a coincidence that in most of these alternative realities, the chicks dress like Christina Aguilera in a guest appearance on Xena: Warrior Princess and have completely rejected all of their Judeo-Christian-Bajoran-Vulcan inhibitions. Call it transdimensional roofie. You know what they say, what happens in a parallel universe stays in a parallel universe.”


jagorev May 8, 2009 at 6:18 pm

Just… burn the internet. Burn it now.

In the old days, with printing presses, when ink and paper cost money and Richard Cohen was a spry 40-year-old, this shit would never have been published.

DoctorCulturae May 8, 2009 at 6:19 pm

“Your mother. Your sister. Your mother and your sister. C’mon Jim, it’s Washingtown.” Also.

friendlyskies May 8, 2009 at 6:24 pm

I just got back. BEST….STAR….TREK…EVAR!!!1!!!

And Harold’s in it! How come no one talks about him? I guess the stoners haven’t gotten around to writing their reviews. Oh wait. I guess they just did.

Custerwolf May 8, 2009 at 6:24 pm

How funny, my boyfriend does that same thing Kirk’s doing whenever he catches himself trying to win an argument with me.

Jukesgrrl May 8, 2009 at 6:24 pm

I’d trust Gene Roddenberry on the Supreme Court sooner than most who are there now.

Jukesgrrl May 8, 2009 at 6:26 pm

[re=312374]Jukesgrrl[/re]: I should amend that to read “I WOULD have trusted.” I know he’s dead. But then again …

ManchuCandidate May 8, 2009 at 6:30 pm

I can see why the Wingnuts would be upset by this. Star Trek was a conservative show.

It’s themes of dystopia, killing aliens, enslaving those who are different, US America Fuck YEAH! and showing little no empathy to the weak made it extremely popular among the US America People and the rest of the world.

For those of you confused, I just played the evil version of ManchuCandidate from the Mirror Mirror episode.

dijetlo May 8, 2009 at 6:34 pm

Everything I’ve ever believed came from Star Trek.
1: The feature that binds us is rationality, not physicality.
2: Truth is not an abstract but an absolute.
3: Don’t bang green pu-tang, it’s probably “bad”.
It’s gotten me this far in life, why would I give it up now?

ManchuCandidate May 8, 2009 at 6:34 pm

KJ-Lo without makeup.

V572625694 May 8, 2009 at 6:38 pm

[re=312383]dijetlo[/re]: Racist. That green alien chick was hawtt! It didn’t work out that badly.

Accordion-o-rama May 8, 2009 at 6:39 pm
Nerdalicious May 8, 2009 at 6:39 pm

I think the “symbolism” here is 2 cats fighting to star trek music ~frued

Nerdalicious May 8, 2009 at 6:40 pm


Georgia Burning May 8, 2009 at 6:46 pm

[re=312378]ManchuCandidate[/re]: Except that nobody seemed to be paying for anything. Total communism once those energy to matter transformers gave everybody whatever they wanted for free. Sort of like Jesus, oops!

Chet Kincaid May 8, 2009 at 6:47 pm

‘Tis a pity that the Dr. Spock/Mr. Spock error is made so readily nowadays that nobody remembers how the Bad Doctor ruined the Baby Boomers with his over-indulgent, hippie-enabling child-rearing advice in the ’40s and ’50s. Now, if MISTER Spock had raised the Boomers, we’d still be in Vietnam today.

Tommmcatt May 8, 2009 at 6:48 pm


Harold is HAWT.

WagTehGod May 8, 2009 at 6:52 pm

Michael Steele = Redshirt

Brendan M. May 8, 2009 at 6:52 pm

[re=312387]V572625694[/re]: But can an Orion slave-girl truly consent? That is the ethical dilemma one must ponder (if you’re gay).

slappypaddy May 8, 2009 at 6:52 pm

so our prez is a superior alien being, izzat what they’re trying to say? would the missus have any light to shed on that whole amok time thing, d’ya think?

LittlePig May 8, 2009 at 6:53 pm

[re=312378]ManchuCandidate[/re]: For those of you confused, I just played the evil version of ManchuCandidate from the Mirror Mirror episode.

Whoa, Star Trek AND SNL. Bravo!

Brendan M. May 8, 2009 at 6:56 pm

[re=312398]Chet Kincaid[/re]: Are you saying Mr. Spock wasn’t smart enough to earn a PhD? Thems fightin’ words.

chascates May 8, 2009 at 7:01 pm

Actually New Media finds Bush evil as well. And since both series preached diversity and good vs. evil I think that’s what the nutters find most objectionable.

Godot May 8, 2009 at 7:02 pm

[re=312378]ManchuCandidate[/re]: I could tell because your post had a sinister goatee that I’d never noticed before.

ManchuCandidate May 8, 2009 at 7:05 pm

Please tell me that this version of Sulu gets some. Just pisses me off when movies show that Asian males can’t/won’t/don’t get any, not even a cheap feel. There are some 1.5 Billion of Asians kicking around. Someone had to get laid.

agentstinky May 8, 2009 at 7:06 pm

I love that picture. My daughter, my sister, my daughter, my sister!

Naked Bunny with a Whip May 8, 2009 at 7:09 pm


*goes back to working on his OpenVPN config because it’s more interesting*

Naked Bunny with a Whip May 8, 2009 at 7:11 pm

P.S. I always get a chuckle when a site like Newsbusters uses “Bush Derangement Syndrome” as a slur, as if they are sensible and balanced in their critique of Democrats.

Scandinavian Fetus May 8, 2009 at 7:12 pm

He voted for Shrubtard…with both cheeks.

Tommmcatt May 8, 2009 at 7:15 pm


And if Sulu gets some, please let it be with another man, just like in real life.

Monsieur Grumpe May 8, 2009 at 7:22 pm

Best Star Trek Line Ever

“It’s Green.”

Monsieur Grumpe May 8, 2009 at 7:23 pm

Nice. You’re favorite… again.

Iggy Plop May 8, 2009 at 7:26 pm

[re=312341]GreatOldOnesParty[/re]: So true. Especially as David Lynch imagined him.

Nerdalicious May 8, 2009 at 7:29 pm

Screamer Chris Matthews just asked William Buckley’s son, if William Buckley voted for Obama in the Prez election. William Buckley died Feb 27, 2008 Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
Christopher Buckley: “Well, he was dead”
Irony of ironies: The Matthews interview was about the book Christopher Buckley had written: about the DEATH of his parents.

mrpuma2u May 8, 2009 at 7:29 pm

So if Obama starts acting all illogical and power crazy we will know that Hillary found the archane alien soul switching machine used on Cap’n Kirk in the episode “Turnabout Intruder” which happened to be the last episode of TOS. Whoops just pegged the needle on the geek meter didn’t I.

Custerwolf May 8, 2009 at 7:29 pm

[re=312360]Neilist[/re]: Behind the cork again, eh Nellie?

Iggy Plop May 8, 2009 at 7:32 pm

At least we know that Star Trek is one pop culture artifact NRO won’t be able to claim as secretly conservative. The whole premise of the show was to put a flying microcosm of liberal politics up against a whole host of alternate visions of society, what with all the thinking, diagnosing, emoting, sexing, and prime directive and all.

Nerdalicious May 8, 2009 at 7:34 pm

Wonkettes! Puleaz, someone put the keyboard cat to Chris Matthews asking Christopher if his dead father voted for Obama!

Hopey dont play that game May 8, 2009 at 7:35 pm

I’ll remind you that when Barry met Spock he gave the Vulcan greeting (kind of like a “V” for the obviously culturally illiterate V572625694).

Naked Bunny with a Whip May 8, 2009 at 7:49 pm

So if Obama starts acting all illogical and power crazy we will know that Hillary found the archane alien soul switching machine

Or it’s Pon Farr. Watch it, Michelle!

At least we know that Star Trek is one pop culture artifact NRO won’t be able to claim as secretly conservative.

Well sure, NRO would never stray from the facts to try and make a case that supports their agenda, nosirree.

V572625694 May 8, 2009 at 7:50 pm

[re=312449]Hopey dont play that game[/re]: Culturally illiterate? Oh please — I saw the freaking pilot, fer Jeebus sake, with Capt Pike in that steam cabinet/wheelchair, not to mention the aforementioned Orion slave girl, who of course wanted it with Kirk. How could she not?

Best episode ever: “Wink of an Eye,” in which an advanced race of super-fast-moving aliens takes over the Enterprise, and no one can see them as they modify equipment on the ship, said equipment being protected by what else, a force field. Ouch!.

The assistant head alien, who’s a somewhat-chunky 60s-vintage hottie, gives Kirk a magic potion to speed him up into their world. Everything in speeded-up-space is shot with the camera at about a 10-degree angle, and when Kirk drinks the potion, the camera tilts. So cool! And of course he bangs the hot assistant head alien. There’s scene with Kirk getting dressed afterward. Hawwtt!

bitchincamaro May 8, 2009 at 7:51 pm

Newell, please, please, please do not leave us with this “have a nice weekend nursing your siezures and hangovers, Wonktards” gif. I’m already nauseous. After only 2 beers!

chascates May 8, 2009 at 7:52 pm

[re=312439]Nerdalicious[/re]: NY Times magazine had an excerpt and Little Buckley is an atheist. He ended up lying to his dad in later years to make him feel better. And he mentions when he graduated from college his dad took everyone that came with him someplace else after the ceremony. Chris went looking for his dad and when he finally found him was told he figured the son had other plans for the day.

V572625694 May 8, 2009 at 7:53 pm

[re=312455]V572625694[/re]: Stinkin’ html. Here’s the episode:

I have not yet begun to drink!

Naked Bunny with a Whip May 8, 2009 at 7:58 pm

[re=312455]V572625694[/re]: I suspect that Hopey thinks you’ve confused Scotty’s “it’s green” line with the Orion slave girl reference. I can understand that, except that the “it’s green” mention came after your post. Hmm.

Oh shit. I’m a Trekkie furry. *cries*

AxmxZ May 8, 2009 at 7:59 pm

Actually, Obama is a cunning Reptiloid. Also, a Jew. Also.

Naked Bunny with a Whip May 8, 2009 at 8:03 pm

[re=312461]AxmxZ[/re]: A Jewish Repiloid? Have I slipped into a Mel Brooks movie?

maven May 8, 2009 at 8:16 pm

“I’m not a doctor, I’m a community organizer”

ManchuCandidate May 8, 2009 at 8:18 pm

If there really was a Star Trek Race based on today’s Cons, it would be the Ferenghi. Rat faced, mean spirited, cowardly, always sucking up to the powers that be, focused on greed and nary a recognizable female in sight.

In the past, it might have been the Klingons, but honor is a concept lost on them.

slavojzizek May 8, 2009 at 8:23 pm

The comparison makes a lot of sense, if you recall the episode when Spock is nearly relieved of his position when he can’t produce an authentic birth certificate…

Lascauxcaveman May 8, 2009 at 8:27 pm

[re=312415]ManchuCandidate[/re]: Just pisses me off when movies show that Asian males can’t/won’t/don’t get any, not even a cheap feel.

Calm down my Krazy Korean Kandidate. Go to your video store, or Netflix, and get the last season of “Star Trek: Voyager” and check out that fine alien takedown by none other than Mr. Goody2Shoes Harry Kim. It takes him a while, but the alien chick he nails is a A LOT hotter than any old green skinned Vegas cocktail waitress Kirk ever had.

prophet1195 May 8, 2009 at 8:28 pm

Zombie Reagan bitch slapping Kirk for being a “space-liebrul”.

Leopolt May 8, 2009 at 8:28 pm

Joe Biden wears a red shirt?

Tommmcatt May 8, 2009 at 8:30 pm


Harry Kim. Also Hawt.

Lascauxcaveman May 8, 2009 at 8:33 pm

[re=312440]mrpuma2u[/re]: “*ahem* Pon-Farr would be as likely an explanation.”

[/Simpson's comic book guy]

Neilist May 8, 2009 at 8:36 pm

[re=312415]ManchuCandidate[/re]: Mmmh, Manchu? Sulu was a Rump-Ranger. He’s not going to “get some” unless they beam down to the Planet of West Hollywood . . . .

Lets Go Vertigo May 8, 2009 at 8:36 pm

10,0000 Quatloos on the newcomer!

Lascauxcaveman May 8, 2009 at 8:39 pm

[re=312474]Tommmcatt[/re]: Heh. My 13-year-old daughter, and all her 13-year-old friends who never even heard of Star Trek before they started hanging out in our cave on Friday nights, are all hot for Harry Kim.

Tommmcatt May 8, 2009 at 8:43 pm


They have excellent taste.

By the way, Doesn’t he get it on with 7 of Nine in one episode?

Neilist May 8, 2009 at 8:43 pm


CrustedWorp: Look, I know you’re lonely.

And I find your attempts to get my attention flattering.

No, really, I do.

It’s not every man that be a Sexual Icon to the 40 lb. overweight, Cosmopolitan-swilling, Virginia Slim Menthol-sucking, libinious legal secretary down at the end of the bar.

But would you mind flattering someone else? Please?

I’m at my bag limit for Midwestern Land Whales for this season.

Brendan M. May 8, 2009 at 8:45 pm

[re=312461]AxmxZ[/re]: [re=312462]Naked Bunny with a Whip[/re]: A “Reptilian Jew” is redundant, duh.

[re=312471]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: Wow, you admitted to being a Voyager fan. I salute your bravery, sir. You know, Captain Janeway was almost my First Lady in Ohio. I thought she was the best captain, overall, and not just because I’m radical feminist.

Servo May 8, 2009 at 8:50 pm

Just came back from having my Star Trek nerd fix. Interesting but obviously Hollywood is my summary. I think a little consultation between the writers and Neil Degrasse-Tyson would’ve salvaged some of the more notable eye-rolling moments. A pleasant surprise was Simon Pegg as Scotty.
Obama is certainly no Spock, who has such serious anger problems, he relieves himself of command.
Personally, I think of Obama and Biden as Richard Pryor and Gene Wilder.

AxmxZ May 8, 2009 at 9:00 pm

[re=312462]Naked Bunny with a Whip[/re]: *All* Reptiloids are Jewish. Get with the program!

Custerwolf May 8, 2009 at 9:03 pm

[re=312483]Neilist[/re]: So you’re telling me that I should return the rainbow-colored anal beads I’d purchased for our weekend suare? Great, thanks for nothing asshole. Oh, and for future reference, in order to make those bags of yours last longer, you should drink more alcohol, it works just as well for making your dates more palatable. Alright, well, I may try calling you later, as I’ve apparently got your number.

Tommmcatt May 8, 2009 at 9:04 pm

[re=312488]Custerwolf[/re]: [re=312483]Neilist[/re]:

You guys have a complicated relationship.

PsycGirl May 8, 2009 at 9:05 pm

The BEST piece on this upcoming flick is from the Onion. (it’s a video, but not too long)

V572625694 May 8, 2009 at 9:12 pm

[re=312488]Custerwolf[/re]: Me me me! Don’t waste your time with that gun nut Neilist!11!!

Brendan M. May 8, 2009 at 9:12 pm

[re=312487]AxmxZ[/re]: That’s why that ‘Lizard People’ ballot was thrown out in Minnesota. The voter was clearly trying to vote for both Coleman and Franken, which is against the rules.

[re=312483]Neilist[/re]: You’re not a Cornell law professor, are you?

[re=312488]Custerwolf[/re]: No way. You never know when those can come in handy. Well, actually, you do know (ALL THE TIME).

Naked Bunny with a Whip May 8, 2009 at 9:16 pm

[re=312487]AxmxZ[/re]: That’s a terribly racist insult against Reptiloids. I should spank you.

Lascauxcaveman May 8, 2009 at 9:17 pm

[re=312484]Brendan M.[/re]: Voyager was awesome, second only IMHO to “Deep Space Nine.” And Seven of Nine was almost Mrs. Junior Sen From Illinois, the position eventually filled by none other than Michelle Obama. (A snippet of trivia that no libtard Trek fan should be without. )

Hopey dont play that game May 8, 2009 at 9:27 pm

V572625694: I actually made a Capt. Pike in wheelchair Halloween costume that had a working light in front.

And the best line of dialogue ever from star trek– Abe Lincoln to Uhura: What a lovely negress.

Custerwolf May 8, 2009 at 9:28 pm

[re=312492]V572625694[/re]: Kisses.

V572625694 May 8, 2009 at 9:30 pm

[re=312441]Custerwolf[/re]: By the way, tonight’s red is a La Braghina Merlot. Pretty nice.

Custerwolf May 8, 2009 at 9:31 pm

[re=312493]Brendan M.[/re]: True that. I like to throw the used ones off the balconey during Mardi Gras.

V572625694 May 8, 2009 at 9:31 pm

[re=312498]Hopey dont play that game[/re]: Awesomeness.

[re=312499]Custerwolf[/re]: Et pour vous, mon amour…

Custerwolf May 8, 2009 at 9:37 pm

[re=312501]V572625694[/re]: Have you seen “Bottle Shock” yet?

Brendan M. May 8, 2009 at 9:42 pm

[re=312496]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: Well, they were divorced by the time Mr. Ryan was a candidate. The leaked divorce papers were what drove him out of the race and caused the Republicans to nominate Alan Keyes(WTF?!?!). Trust me, I know all about it. I’m a politics and Star Trek nerd, I admit with more than a little embarrassment.

[re=312502]Custerwolf[/re]: Wow. What would you have to flash to get those?

V572625694 May 8, 2009 at 9:42 pm

[re=312505]Custerwolf[/re]: Oh yes I saw “Bottle Shock.” One of the producers is a friend of the Italian Princess. Didn’t care for it a whole lot, but it was mildly entertaining. CA is lousy stand-in for France. “Sideways” is the wine buff movie of choice, and it’s really pretty good.

Lascauxcaveman May 8, 2009 at 9:51 pm

[re=312507]Brendan M.[/re]: Yeah, soon as I hit ‘submit’ I thought, well, chances are he knows this shit already.

OK, I’m to the googles to see if there’s any alternate-reality fanfic where Jeri Ryan decides yes, she really does want to to have public sex with her hubby, and Barry O ends up as a Chicago alderman who gets corrupted by a sleazy real estate magnate …

Custerwolf May 8, 2009 at 9:58 pm

[re=312508]V572625694[/re]: I do love me some of that Thomas Hayden Church. But I must admit the only thing I know about wine is how much of it it takes to get me drunk. I tried sipping wine in bars for awhile but ended up breaking too many long-stemmed glasses slamming the empties down on the counter. It is true, the only culture I have is what grows on leftovers in the fridge.

Custerwolf May 8, 2009 at 10:00 pm

[re=312507]Brendan M.[/re]: “What would you have to flash to get those?”
Just a smile, my friend. Just a smile.

WadISay May 8, 2009 at 10:01 pm

[re=312347]InsidiousTuna[/re]: I take it the Palins would be the tribbles, only without ever being particularly lovable.

MGBYG May 8, 2009 at 10:02 pm

So there is a Canadian wearing a lime-yellow jumper with a silly lapel pin slapping himself wicked…Shoulda…slap…never…slap…left…Stratford…

And, y’all with the Trekkie fetishes: You. Are. Sick. Puppies.

Have they turned every shitty late-60′s TV show into a f’ing film franchise?


But the sexual tension on this post is fun, though!!

Lazy Media May 8, 2009 at 10:06 pm

[re=312516]Custerwolf[/re]: You sound fun.

sati demise May 8, 2009 at 10:14 pm

[re=312488]Custerwolf[/re]: No surprise a gun nut would also be a Trekie ™.
[re=312521]MGBYG[/re]: ref.

d4g33z May 8, 2009 at 10:20 pm

“He can compute formulas to destroy races…”

[re=312521]MGBYG[/re]: Yes, the sexual tension is quite refreshing.

Custerwolf May 8, 2009 at 10:22 pm

[re=312522]Lazy Media[/re]: Oh shit you can hear me from your place? Joe’s right then, I should keep our bedroom window closed.

sossajes May 8, 2009 at 10:30 pm

[re=312483]Neilist[/re]: you made a joke about hillary, and then someone made a joke about you… can’t take the heat much?

Custerwolf May 8, 2009 at 10:41 pm

[re=312530]sossajes[/re]: He’s more into packing.

Vulpes82 May 8, 2009 at 10:57 pm

[re=312402]Brendan M.[/re]: Actually, we gay nerds are more apt to ask, “Why are there no Orion slave-BOYS?!?” Well, at least this one is.

Naked Bunny with a Whip May 8, 2009 at 11:23 pm

[re=312535]Vulpes82[/re]: They explained that in an episode of “Enterprise”, so several dozen Trekkies know the answer now.

WickedWitch May 8, 2009 at 11:25 pm

[re=312354]V572625694[/re]: oh puhleeze. Star Wars rocks. The people who dress up as Star Wars characters, not so much.

Pop Socket May 8, 2009 at 11:34 pm

Maureen Dowd, for one, spent an entire column comparing Obama to Spock.

Although I think he makes a much better Tuvok.

Sabre_Justice May 8, 2009 at 11:49 pm

These people need to watch more Doctor Who.

El Pinche May 8, 2009 at 11:51 pm

[re=312347]InsidiousTuna[/re]: My brother is coming!! With many Fremen warrior!!1!!

El Pinche May 8, 2009 at 11:56 pm


RoscoePColtraine May 9, 2009 at 12:13 am

Is Capt. Kirk always slapping himself like that, even when I’m not signed on here looking? Or does he just start doing it when I show up? No, seriously, I want to know.

V572625694 May 9, 2009 at 12:13 am

[re=312538]WickedWitch[/re]: True enough. Irony was involved.

[re=312516]Custerwolf[/re]: Assuming you’re still out here, which would be amazing, the virtue of wine is that you can keep drinking it and drinking it, and it doesn’t swell up the stomach the way beer does. Plus it’s heart healthy!

gjdodger May 9, 2009 at 12:26 am

Actually, I’m thinking Biden = Harry Mudd. I loved him on Stump the Stars.

Lascauxcaveman May 9, 2009 at 1:50 am

[re=312538]WickedWitch[/re]: Star Wars rocks. The people who dress up as Star Wars characters, not so much.

Yeah, same goes for the whole Trek franchise. At any given time, it’s one of the best things on the teevee. What else are you gonna watch? Dancing with the Stars? Rock of Love?

Yeah, the nerds who wear the uniforms are freaky, but at least they’re getting freaky about something that’s actually pretty good. If my daughter wants to discuss the ins and outs of Klingon culture or the back story on the Bajoran resistance, I’ll contribute what I can to the conversation.

But the minute she’s telling me about “America’s Top Model” or the latest Brittany video, I’m taking that TV down to the Goodwill donation box.

Neilist May 9, 2009 at 2:10 am

[re=312488]Custerwolf[/re]: Dear Lady: I’m sorry if my rejection stung.

Nothing personal, I assure you.

It’s just that I don’t want those Greenpeace ecoterrorists after me for harpooning an endangered North American Land Whale.

Look, have another Cosmo. Light up another Menthol. There should be an unemployed subprime loan broker or used car salesman along shortly.

(“Asshole.” Proof once again of the principle: The Heavier The Thighs, The Fouler The Mouth.)

Brendan M. May 9, 2009 at 2:30 am

[re=312521]MGBYG[/re]: We’re not fucking Scientologists or Heinlein fans, so what are you talking about?

[re=312548]Sabre_Justice[/re]: The Pirate Planet was great, as is much of the show, but why not both? The best, of course, and mandatory viewing, is BSG.

[re=312553]V572625694[/re]: If a glass a day is good for your heart, think of how good for you a bottle a day is!

[re=312541]Pop Socket[/re]: Maureen Dowd is like Lwaxana Troi, but without the insight.

Lascauxcaveman May 9, 2009 at 2:31 am

[re=312563]Neilist[/re]: Jesus, Neil. I’m up late waiting for some overdue checkins at my hotel, what’s your excuse?

Oh,and you’ll be happy to know I made a date to go shooting at the local gravel pit with some friends of mine I didn’t even know (until last week) are total gun nuts, and I’ve known them for like, 7 years! They got the plastic 9mm Glocks, a couple of AR-somethings and a 10 Gauge shotgun that they claim will knock me on my ass. I’m going to bring my kids.

I’m wondering if I should even bother bringing my piddly-ass .22 Winchester rifle? Are they gonna laugh at me?

El Pinche May 9, 2009 at 2:47 am

Sure, Tiberius likes to dabble in intergalactic booty. But at the end of the day after sipping the finest Cardassian Canar, he always ends up pounding Lt. Ahura ‘s poontang until it stinks in the admiral quarters.

Bruno May 9, 2009 at 2:57 am

Can we transport all the freepers to their own home planet now? I’d like to call it Somoliastan.

PolicyWhore May 9, 2009 at 4:57 am

Everyone knows that the Bush Admin and the events there-in can best be compared to DS9 than to Star Wars. Think about it Trekkies, you know I’m right.

Lionel Hutz Esq. May 9, 2009 at 5:39 am

I keep thinking there must be a Joel v. Mike flame war joke here, but I just can’t find it.

TGY May 9, 2009 at 6:39 am

If we must destroy teh Intarwebs because of this shit, can we at least start with Youtubes?

And in film, the best analogy for the Bush administration is Ishtar, obvs.

DC Hates Me May 9, 2009 at 6:39 am

Why yes, I did regret reading this crap. The President’s role in society is to lead by example, but I’ve yet to see any brainy or classy osmosis occur as a result of Obama’s leadership. What a fucking pathetic country I live in.

x111e7thst May 9, 2009 at 8:36 am

[re=312566]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: Practice with the .22.
When the zombies come you will be ready!

True a .22 won’t take down most people, but there are reports of a .22 ricocheting inside the brain of a zombie, turning the brain to liquid. Very dead zombie. A lightweight .22 (like a youth hunting rifle) can be great because ammo is cheap, available everywhere, and light (you can carry 15 .22 rounds or 2 .50s for the same weight and space). True aiming takes some time, which is why any zombie within your effective kill radius should be dispatched immediately, you have to keep them from getting too close. And that’s why you carry your back up .45, and your tactical knife. Don’t you?
Great book: Zombie Survival Guide by Max Brooks

(you do have a backup .45 and tactical knife?)

facehead May 9, 2009 at 8:37 am

Reminds me of that episode where Spock fucked a space clam!

loquaciousmusic May 9, 2009 at 9:10 am

[re=312439]Nerdalicious[/re]: Here’s the video of Chris Matthews getting PWNED by Christopher Buckley. It’s fun for the whole family!

Larry Fine May 9, 2009 at 9:43 am

Joe Biden is a lot like Captain Kirk. He lost his hair, has an eye for the ladies, and won’t take no shit from aliens.

Cape Clod May 9, 2009 at 9:44 am

I wish Obama was Spock. That way anytime Biden starts to say something stupid he could silence him with a Vulcan neck pinch.

AxmxZ May 9, 2009 at 10:01 am

[re=312595]DC Hates Me[/re]: Just wait. It’d be interesting to see if several years from now, there’s a sharp drop-off in demand for nasty baggy rapper clothes in inner cities across the nation, on account of boys having grown up watching Professor Obama looking all GQ in his pretty suit.

ProfessorJukes May 9, 2009 at 10:07 am

[re=312398]Chet Kincaid[/re]: win

So, then who is Kirk? I forget. But he gets to sleep around and use that double-fisted punch while fighting.

Lazy Media May 9, 2009 at 10:57 am

[re=312606]ProfessorJukes[/re]: Bill Clinton is Kirk, obv. Unfortunately, Kirk is paunchy and over the hill now.

Custerwolf May 9, 2009 at 10:57 am

[re=312563]Neilist[/re]: “There should be an unemployed subprime loan broker or used car salesman along shortly.”
Thanks, Nells, but I’m not interested your sloppy seconds. Rejection may sting, but from what I hear, things will be stinging a lot worse in a lot worse places if I try sampling any of your leftovers.

proudgrampa May 9, 2009 at 10:58 am

Hell, everybody knows the best Star Trek EVER was “Trouble with Tribbles!”

102415 May 9, 2009 at 11:09 am

Ha ha ha.
“I can’t hold her much longer Captain!”
I had drinks with Scottie and my lovely next door porn typist Jamaican neighbor back in ’73.
He was a great guy but it was weird to chat with him without the fake accent.
Yes, I’m bragging about this, so what?

Custerwolf May 9, 2009 at 11:15 am

[re=312614]Custerwolf[/re]: And just in case you couldn’t read between the lines, Nells, I still want you.

proudgrampa May 9, 2009 at 11:24 am

[re=312617]102415[/re]: “I can’t hold her much longer Captain!” – Great Quote!

What the heck is a “porn typist?”

Custerwolf May 9, 2009 at 11:26 am

[re=312617]102415[/re]: I understand Scottie was sent out into space recently after having made a complete ash of himself.

Custerwolf May 9, 2009 at 11:27 am

[re=312620]proudgrampa[/re]: I believe she takes dicktation.

x111e7thst May 9, 2009 at 11:31 am

[re=312620]proudgrampa[/re]: Nahhhhhhhhhhhhh

x111e7thst May 9, 2009 at 11:34 am

[re=312620]proudgrampa[/re]: but also:
qwerty 112 up, 62 down
QWERTY is a secret code word used by pedofiles and porn junkies. It is added to the end of file names as a method to return more porn results when using file sharing programs such as WINMX. Also used to disguise illegal child porn files.
If you can’t find the porno your looking for, just try searching for “QWERTY
definition 4

2druk2phluq May 9, 2009 at 11:38 am

I was interested until the fapping stopped and got scratched out. I was in massive ideology fight on Daily Kos yesterday. One of those Trekkie people claimed it was better than Battlestar. I thought they were fucking kidding, but no. They really believed it. I had to let them have it.

First I told them about the gay love affair between Spock and Kirk, space’s most well known gay couple, more well known even than Sulu and those thousand guys he’s been with. Then I explained that the Enterprise’s photon torpedo system had basically no scientific merit to it at all, being just a complete Roddenberry wet dream. At least BSG uses time proven tactical nuclear warheads. I mean, come on, it’s a no-brainer that BSG would totally stomp the Enterprise.

Yes, many Trekkies felt the wrath of my lulz yesterday. And everything would have been fine if the Joss Whedon fans had not shown up with their Firefly and their Serenity. Blast! last I say!

2druk2phluq May 9, 2009 at 11:40 am

and then I fucked up the last sentence of my comedic masterpiece of the day…

Custerwolf May 9, 2009 at 11:41 am

[re=312625]x111e7thst[/re]: Jezuz why the hell would you go through all that trouble when it’s so much easier to keep a sex slave locked in your basement dungeon?

102415 May 9, 2009 at 12:23 pm

[re=312622]Custerwolf[/re]: Yep.Yep.

I’m going out to slave away on my vacation hut and get some air and Vitamin D between downpours.Carry on trekkies/flamers/pornlovers I’m sure there’s some politics in there somewheres.

TeddyS May 9, 2009 at 12:40 pm

Custerwolf – You also have one in your basement? Mine is named Neilist, but something went wrong with the experiment. Terribly wrong, I fear.

When they outlaw phasers, only phasers will have outlaws.

Lazy Media May 9, 2009 at 12:49 pm

Firefly > BSG > Star Trek > Star Wars. That’s just science; any other belief system is no more valid than creationism.

Lazy Media May 9, 2009 at 12:51 pm

[re=312632]Lazy Media[/re]: New BSG, of course. ’70s BSG sucks donkey balls.

Custerwolf May 9, 2009 at 12:56 pm

[re=312631]TeddyS[/re]: If you’re heading back to the basement keep your phaser set on stun.

Atypical May 9, 2009 at 1:06 pm

[re=312634]Custerwolf[/re]: [re=312563]Neilist[/re]: Thanks for the reprise of my favorite radio show “The Bickersons”. I can’t wait for the next episode.

imissopus May 9, 2009 at 1:12 pm

Would I be out of line in requesting Neilist get hit with the ban hammer? Or are people still having fun playing with him? ‘Cause he’s not bringing anything interesting to the table. He’s just an asshole.

Jeez, Neil. Go get a blow job or something, if you can find a three-dollar hooker willing to go prospecting for your little nubbin.

El Pinche May 9, 2009 at 1:43 pm

I’m soooo glad we don’t have any BabylonFivetards in here.

Custerwolf May 9, 2009 at 2:48 pm

[re=312636]imissopus[/re]: Nells is like a retrovirus. We won’t hear from him for long stretches of time as he lies dormant, replicating his special brand of stupidity, then he’ll reappear unexpectedly to infect us all with his liquor-inspired gun chats and his disdain for voluptuous women.

Nells darling, you didn’t by any chance happen to get a liver transplant in Mexico compliments of a porcine donor? I’m still trying to figure out the damned etiology of this pig flu.

x111e7thst May 9, 2009 at 2:49 pm

[re=312628]Custerwolf[/re]: I used to keep a beautiful matched pair (ponyboy,ponygirl) but the cost grew prohibitive.

Now I comment on Wonkette.

Custerwolf May 9, 2009 at 3:20 pm

[re=312640]x111e7thst[/re]: We each have our reasons……

Brendan M. May 9, 2009 at 3:45 pm

[re=312634]Custerwolf[/re]: You just keep yours set on stunning. (Totally works at Star Trek conventions, every time).

[re=312637]El Pinche[/re]: Hey! Oh, fuck it.

[re=312632]Lazy Media[/re]: You didn’t include Battlefield: Earth. That’s like making a list of the greatest films of all time and not including Citizen Kane. Also, have you ever heard of creation science, smart guy?

Anyways, here’s a good little article about what is definitely one of the best Star Trek episodes ever:

RoscoePColtraine May 9, 2009 at 3:56 pm

[re=312639]Custerwolf[/re]: I ran into him today at the Tar-zhay. Stupid, ugly mother fucker with bushy sideburns and hair growing on his neck. Think of the guy who ran the boat in Jaws and got eaten at the end, only that guy was less hairy. Anyway, this dude, I swear it had to be Neil, because he smelled like gasoline and poop. And he was nasty and rude to the checkout girl, kept giving her shit because his card wouldn’t go through. He just couldn’t get the hang of the whole slide-card-enter-PIN thingy. And while the line grew and grew while he stupidly blamed the girl at the register, I kept thinking, ‘where do I know this asshole from.’ That was it, he’s our Neil.

Custerwolf May 9, 2009 at 4:00 pm

[re=312645]Brendan M.[/re]: Funny, I’d always imagined Patrick Stewart looking much sexier in handcuffs.

Custerwolf May 9, 2009 at 4:00 pm

[re=312647]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: May I please take you with me wherever I go?

Kev-O-Tron May 9, 2009 at 4:03 pm

Trekkies are fucking weird. That’s my on-topic statement. Now off to my weekend Wonkette rant!

Porn: something that’s on my mind often. I have a friend *cough* who likes to look at that stuff sometime. Oh who am I kidding…

So often times a porn flick on these online sites has a title like “tight blond rides to orgasm” but 1) she cannot be described as “tight” 2) it’s a bad dye job 3) she’s faking the orgasm.

There is good porn out there that lives up to its promises but I think the porn industry is so diluted and profitable that there is no longer truth in advertising in pornography (or anywhere else for that matter.)


x111e7thst May 9, 2009 at 4:05 pm

[re=312650]Custerwolf[/re]: I would bet you buddy Neil jerks off to Roadhouse.

Custerwolf May 9, 2009 at 4:16 pm

[re=312653]x111e7thst[/re]: Thanks, I just aspirated a cheese doodle.

SayItWithWookies May 9, 2009 at 4:26 pm

[re=312652]Kev-O-Tron[/re]: I still can’t believe that porn is profitable. I mean, when there’s so much free stuff out there, who still pays for it? Come to think of it, America would probably be a much better-run country if we could just take the vote away from people who pay for porn. BRB, gotta write my congressman…

Custerwolf May 9, 2009 at 4:34 pm

[re=312652]Kev-O-Tron[/re]: I’m the black sheep of my family in that I’m the only one who isn’t into skin flicks. The most porn I’ve seen in the last decade is when I had to help my brother who was in the middle of crack-induced psychotic breakdown and was thinking his girlfriend had gone rogue, advertising her twat on one of the online porn sites. He knows nothing of computers and since I know just slightly more, and because I love him dearly, I volunteered to help him out. I still laugh at my vain attempts to pretend that I knew what I was doing as I sat at his computer going through file after file after file after file after file of the most vulgar porn I’ve seen to date. My bro was far too wigged to be embarrassed by the copious amounts of vag glaring back at us from the computer screen as I sat there wondering, “geez, is that her? No. Is that her? No…” Eventually I had to give up and go home, but not before dabbing several globs of hand-sanitizer into my eyes.

SayItWithWookies May 9, 2009 at 4:36 pm

[re=312594]TGY[/re]: I’d vote for Heaven’s Gate. It’s overhyped, overblown, overbudget and lasted way, way too long.

Besides, I — ahem — actually like Ishtar. And I know at least two others of us out there.

Custerwolf May 9, 2009 at 4:39 pm

[re=312652]Kev-O-Tron[/re]: I remembering faking an orgasm once. Wait a sec, no that wasn’t me.

getoffmylawn May 9, 2009 at 4:41 pm

The whole thing distills down to Ensign Ricky. You never want to be Ensign Ricky, wearing a red shirt and on his way down to the planet as part of the security detail.

ManchuCandidate May 9, 2009 at 4:50 pm

But Ensign Ricky survived.

V572625694 May 9, 2009 at 5:03 pm

[re=312661]Custerwolf[/re]: The real challenge is faking an erection.

GreatOldOnesParty May 9, 2009 at 5:05 pm

[re=312647]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: for a second there I thought you were describing K-LoBerg

Custerwolf May 9, 2009 at 5:06 pm


ManchuCandidate May 9, 2009 at 5:17 pm

No Youtube

William Shatner [Giddy laughter]
Lois Griffin My God.
[Car colliding]
Meg Griffin My God. I hit William Shatner.
William Shatner Light growing dimmer. Can’t breathe. Beam me up, God.
Ensign Ricky I did not see that coming.

DoctorCulturae May 9, 2009 at 5:20 pm

[re=312662]getoffmylawn[/re]: Sam Rockwell as Guy Fleegman in Galaxy Quest. Simply brilliant.

Custerwolf May 9, 2009 at 5:23 pm

[re=312665]V572625694[/re]: In those situations it’s best to feign distinterest.

getoffmylawn May 9, 2009 at 5:23 pm

can we all just agree that the slave trader leering at Vena as she danced for Capt. Pike looked “too Jewish?”

V572625694 May 9, 2009 at 5:25 pm

[re=312671]Custerwolf[/re]: That’s even harder to do!

Custerwolf May 9, 2009 at 5:26 pm

He had me at the moustache.

Brendan M. May 9, 2009 at 5:49 pm

[re=312657]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Didn’t you see that study where it showed that it is the red states that pay for porn? It is the same kind of people who use AOL and leave all caps comments and don’t get that Stephen Colbert is satire.

[re=312672]getoffmylawn[/re]: Maybe he didn’t look Jewish enough, did you consider that?

[re=312650]Custerwolf[/re]: If it’s torture porn that you’re interested in, watch 24 and go to I think Patrick Stewart looks just fine.

RoscoePColtraine May 9, 2009 at 5:55 pm

[re=312652]Kev-O-Tron[/re]: I’ll be glad when the online porn sites figure out a way to improve search results. What could be so hard about it? But sure enough, I NEVER get the results I want. For example, yesterday I typed “hung+black+ass+fuck.” Know what it returned? Two white chicks dildo-ing each other in the ass on a black couch. Does that make any sense at all?

x111e7thst May 9, 2009 at 5:58 pm

[re=312655]Custerwolf[/re]: Only fair. When the image popped into my head (basement in Neil’s mom’s house, past its prime recliner, used socks littering the dirty floor from past viewings of the movie etc) I fell off the horse I was schooling over Xrails and everyone present laughed at me.

Mr Blifil May 9, 2009 at 6:01 pm

None of it means shit unless someone fucks a green chick.

gurukalehuru May 9, 2009 at 6:05 pm

I’ve always thought that the Ferenghis were the jews of space. Shady businessmen with big ears instead of big noses – really, the big ear jokes never stopped. The Klingons, of course, are the scary black mens.

Custerwolf May 9, 2009 at 6:07 pm

[re=312677]x111e7thst[/re]: Dutch Warmblood?

GreatOldOnesParty May 9, 2009 at 6:11 pm

[re=312679]gurukalehuru[/re]: than teh Romulans are teh Chaineez?!

x111e7thst May 9, 2009 at 6:21 pm

[re=312680]Custerwolf[/re]: Standardbred (pacer who did not want to pace)
I evented him thru training – was about to go do his first prelim when some bad stuff happened and I gave up eventing. Now we are starting to do a little endurance racing.

I think you wrote that you have horses?

V572625694 May 9, 2009 at 6:22 pm

[re=312679]gurukalehuru[/re]: [re=312681]GreatOldOnesParty[/re]: I thought the Klingons were the Star Trek equivalent of the Soviet Union — a powerful but tractable foe whose motivations could be imagined if not discerned. The Romulans, though, were like the “Red” Chinese: powerful, numerous, inscrutable (natch) and quick to anger if you wandered into the Romulan Neutral Zone.

Custerwolf May 9, 2009 at 7:08 pm

[re=312682]x111e7thst[/re]: Yes. I have a young Colorado Ranger Horse -they’re great endurance and cow horses, an overo paint, and a red leopard appy. Here I am with Kobuk the rangerbred practcing my horse whisperer skills. He has the best personality of any horse I’ve known.

animalmagnetism May 9, 2009 at 7:38 pm

[re=312360]Neilist[/re]: Not getting any this weekend, eh?

x111e7thst May 9, 2009 at 7:41 pm

[re=312684]Custerwolf[/re]: horse whisperer skills – how does that work – what’s it for?

Custerwolf May 9, 2009 at 8:03 pm

[re=312686]x111e7thst[/re]: I was only joking, have you heard of Monty Roberts though? I’m not crazy about the guy (If I remember right he was consulted on the Robert Redford movie awhile back), but the concept is a good one. Kobuk comes from a line of horses with good cow sense so he’s very level-headed and smart, his gentleness is inherent, nothing I can take credit for. Here he is with my appy.

x111e7thst May 9, 2009 at 8:22 pm

Coolness – if I was anywhere near I’d want to come watch them work.

I can’t remember what I did with my pix of my horses.
I did find one of me on a camel.

You are welcome to laugh.

Scandinavian Fetus May 9, 2009 at 8:26 pm

Finally, Wonkette has jumped the shark and become an E-Harmony site.

I was told to lurk and lurk I did.


Custerwolf May 9, 2009 at 8:27 pm

[re=312691]x111e7thst[/re]: I LOVE that picture -thank you!! Egypt?

x111e7thst May 9, 2009 at 8:36 pm

[re=312693]Custerwolf[/re]: Jordan – Petra

lovekills May 9, 2009 at 8:39 pm

[re=312691]x111e7thst[/re]: Every time I think it will be a good thing to get on an animal so I don’t miss the experience I regret it a LOT. I never seem to get any smarter though.

Custerwolf May 9, 2009 at 8:43 pm

[re=312694]x111e7thst[/re]: The Rose-Red City is where I’m heading next if I can ever find a crazy enough critter-sitter.

hobospacejunkie May 9, 2009 at 9:20 pm

[re=312652]Kev-O-Tron[/re]: You ever tried downloading porn via torrents? At Scrapetorrent you sort them by seeders to what’s most popular & will download quickest. No guarantees of quality but sometimes the most popular can = most entertaining. Or not. I heard this from a friend.

For those ranking sci-fi by quality haven’t you all forgotten a little gem called Roswell? The most awesomest teevee ever produced by The WB? Also known as the show where Katherine Heigl got her start?

OK, not the greatest show ever but the first season was pretty good, especially in light of the paucity of sci-fi on teevee at the time (Millennium, the greatest show ever anywhere of all time, had been or was about to be cancelled, X-Files was circling the drain.)

And who didn’t cry when Max had to blow off Liz in the 1st season’s final episode? It’s OK, you can admit that you played it over & over and cried every time. It doesn’t make you any less of a man. People cry over Star Trek, right?

Custerwolf May 9, 2009 at 9:20 pm

[re=312695]lovekills[/re]: When it comes to animals, as long as you’re getting on rather than getting off, you’re still ahead of the curve.

lovekills May 9, 2009 at 9:26 pm

[re=312701]Custerwolf[/re]: How true! Now we can join the porn talk?

Lazy Media May 9, 2009 at 9:27 pm

[re=312645]Brendan M.[/re]: ’70s BSG > Battlefield Earth. Happy now?

lovekills May 9, 2009 at 9:29 pm

All the porn I get in my life is buttseks and truknuts here.

WindbagCity May 9, 2009 at 9:36 pm

What, no White House Correspondents’ dinner liveblogging? Can we at least get some good WHCA/Star Trek crosstalk?

Custerwolf May 9, 2009 at 9:37 pm

[re=312702]lovekills[/re]: Right now I have to go pretend to pay attention to my boyfriend for a short spell, then I’ll be back to pick up the slack.

Lionel Hutz Esq. May 9, 2009 at 10:22 pm

[re=312652]Kev-O-Tron[/re]: Why is it that every serious discussion around here quickly turns to porn.

That being said, why is it that in porn movies, you always have a scene where two women are getting ready to go out and as they are getting dress together, they start making out, but you never see the converse scene of what happens while the men were getting ready?

[re=312657]SayItWithWookies[/re]: According to a survey a month or so ago, apparently Republicans, especially Mormons from Utah. I guess free toe-tapping boy porn is a rare.

lovekills May 9, 2009 at 10:33 pm

[re=312708]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: Maybe “they” think women are more bi-curious. If your a man, you must know your own sexuality. It is all sexist, also.

Brendan M. May 9, 2009 at 10:33 pm

[re=312700]hobospacejunkie[/re]: I like you, Hobo, but your taste is in your asshole. No, that’s not fair; your taste is in Dane Cook’s asshole, it’s so bad. Roswell and Millennium might be defensible, maybe, but Michele Bachmann over Michelle Malkin is not.

[re=312705]WindbagCity[/re]: Why mix something good like Star Trek with something truly awful like the White House Correspondents’ Dinner?

Here, the only good WHCD ever:

lovekills May 9, 2009 at 10:34 pm

[re=312708]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: Oh, and why, on any level, do you think star trek is serious?

Brendan M. May 9, 2009 at 10:39 pm

[re=312708]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: Because men know how to get ready quickly. We put on our pants, shirt, and shoes, and – if there is time – give each other hand jobs in the bathroom quickly. None of that making out and scissoring and double-headed black 18-inch dildo stuff the lady-folk are into.

Brendan M. May 9, 2009 at 10:42 pm

[re=312711]lovekills[/re]: Not to mention all the racial and ethnic milestones and progressive themes Star Trek introduced to the public.

Come here a minute May 9, 2009 at 10:44 pm

WHCD = Twittering Nerd Prom

lovekills May 9, 2009 at 10:47 pm

[re=312713]Brendan M.[/re]: I’m sorry. I grew up watching star trek and liked it for being one of the only things worth watching. I did not know how important it was to enlightening of the planet. Kinda like the simpsons these days. Call me stupid, but I think we need to look a bit deeper.

ihasasad May 9, 2009 at 11:03 pm

Ooooo! I just saw it and rilly liked it!
I thought they were going to waterboard the captain but they didn’t. There was water there though. Why was that?
Oh! And there’s fucking Red Matter now…WTH? It’s very pretty. I think it represents China and how they’re going to make us implode.
The motorcycle without spokes was most definitely screaming “Obama Aint’ Got No Backbone but He’s Pretty Cool!” So I think this is a republican flick.
I’m trying to think what other symbology there was that will enlighten all y’all…
Shit, how could I have forgotten?? Fucking a green woman is totally about us Fucking Up this here Planet! (she was liking it, so this was most certainly a republican movie)

The End

schvitzatura May 9, 2009 at 11:05 pm

Waiting for the remake of Space: 1999. It would have the best Eurotart takedowns!

Guppy06 May 9, 2009 at 11:08 pm

“This I find to be an insult to McCoy because Dr. McCoy was never in the Star Trek series the clown that Biden is in real life.”

Biden has an irrational fear of flying in commercial airliners, while McCoy has an irrational fear of theleporters.

“Pike is nothing like the disloyal, womanizing Clinton. All Captain Pike fans should be telling Newsweek to shove it.”

Yeah, because nothing’s more loyal than hijacking a ship so he can hook up with that blonde (or did he prefer her with green skin) he met in the pilot. Just try to tell me Clinton wouldn’t try to hijack a ship if there was pussy involved.

Can we get Bill one of those funky wheelchairs with the red and green lights?

Neilist May 9, 2009 at 11:14 pm

[re=312566]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: A .22 cal. rifle is what MADE this Country, Lascaux.

Or “killed” a bunch of Stop signs on back roads.

Same thing, really.

But the Glocks are nice . . . for Austrian pistols. Just keep your finger off the trigger, though. If you shoot a cow or Custerwolf — same thing, really — you might have to eat it.


Menthol Virginia Slims flavored meat.


[re=312599]x111e7thst[/re]: Good points. VERY difficult to kill the typical zombie with a .22. They just keep coming and coming and coming . . . sort of like an enraged cow or Cust . . . but you get the idea.

[re=312614]Custerwolf[/re]: Dear Lady, let me put it in terms you will understand: Mooo! Mooo! MOOO! And of course you “want me badly.” That adverb covers everything you do . . . you “voluptuous woman” you! Mooo!

[re=312647]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: “Gasoline and poop”? Sounds like one of those French-ified “men’s cologne” to me. Think more in terms of a subtle mixture of Old Spice, naplam and cordite – with a slight tinge of mint. (Or is that Menthol Virginia Slims butt? Mooo!)

Sorry – that’s all I have time for. Hot date at the LA Gun Club on 6th with a couple of aspiring actresses trying to get into another crime drama.

Or a Western. Featuring herds of bovines suffering from Man Cow Disease.

Or chain-smoking Cosmo swillers.

Same thing, really.


SayItWithWookies May 9, 2009 at 11:17 pm

[re=312708]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: …why is it that in porn movies, you always have a scene where two women are getting ready to go out and as they are getting dress together, they start making out, but you never see the converse scene of what happens while the men were getting ready?

Uh — ’cause guys getting ready to go out together would be gay.

Frumious Canbrasnatch May 9, 2009 at 11:22 pm

Long ago in the distant past, in the original Trek, William Shatner was totally HAWT! There is a very good reason for the invention of slash. One day all your pretty Jonas Brothers will be old and chunky, and your children will mock you. Now get off my lawn, also.

x111e7thst May 9, 2009 at 11:32 pm

[re=312695]lovekills[/re]: It depends on the animals I guess. Ferrets have always been pretty regrets free for me.

Custerwolf May 9, 2009 at 11:34 pm

[re=312720]Neilist[/re]: Honey, I wish you didn’t feel such a need to take up the whole couch whenever we come here for these quiet evening talks. If you would just keep your sentences closer together, there would be room enough for all of us. But I understand. You want to be alone. So do I. Okay, there. I think everybody else went home. Are you comfy just lying that way? Good, it sure looks as though you are. Scotch, sweetie? Here – rather than pour you another drink, let me just bring you what’s left in the bottle. I think we’ll find it much easier for me to take advantage of you that way. Oh, and later tonight if you feel the urge to have a cigarette, I only ask that you take it away from the bed. Thanks. You’re a doll.

Custerwolf May 9, 2009 at 11:36 pm

[re=312721]SayItWithWookies[/re]: goddamit – this time it was a snikiddy snack.

x111e7thst May 9, 2009 at 11:37 pm

[re=312696]Custerwolf[/re]: When you take that trip to the rose red city half as old etc. try to get down towards the Iraqi border. The desert there is unbelievable. It literally looks like something from another world. I have a picture somewhere.I will try to find it and post it.

Custerwolf May 9, 2009 at 11:39 pm

[re=312726]x111e7thst[/re]: Please do.

hobospacejunkie May 9, 2009 at 11:40 pm

[re=312710]Brendan M.[/re]: I think somebody’s got a crush on Michele Malkin. It’s really OK (not really.) You don’t have to trash talk my crush to make yours seem more palatable. At least mine doesn’t look like an enraged insect with big titties.

Custerwolf May 9, 2009 at 11:46 pm

[re=312710]Brendan M.[/re]: “your taste is in Dane Cook’s asshole.”
That’s not true. Dane Cook’s asshole tastes NOTHING like Hobo.

Custerwolf May 9, 2009 at 11:52 pm

[re=312729]Custerwolf[/re]: I just realized how completely gross that sounds. Jesus.

I mean, not that I wouldn’t totally jump at the chance to fuck Dane Cook’s asshole with my tongue, are you kidding.
I’m not crazy.

Custerwolf May 9, 2009 at 11:55 pm

[re=312728]hobospacejunkie[/re]: “At least mine doesn’t look like an enraged insect with big titties.”
Which one’s got the big titties, now?

Mr Blifil May 9, 2009 at 11:58 pm

Wanda Sykes for Lieutenant Uhuru’s gay bride.

lovekills May 10, 2009 at 12:03 am

[re=312723]x111e7thst[/re]: It’s the elephants! Fucking elephants, I can’t trust their footing, if you can believe that!

Mr Blifil May 10, 2009 at 12:06 am

[re=312720]Neilist[/re]: If she rifles through your wallet, takes a shit on your sheets, and has a cock, she’s probably not actually an “aspiring actress.”

Custerwolf May 10, 2009 at 12:09 am

[re=312733]lovekills[/re]: “Fucking elephants, I can’t trust their footing, if you can believe that!”
Well, hell ya. I mean it’s a hazardous undertaking – one false move while you’re pounding away and she could totally crush you. You’re smart to just stay away from them.

lovekills May 10, 2009 at 12:41 am

[re=312735]Custerwolf[/re]: I always end up on an elephant. Cambodia, thailand, vietnam, always the fucking elephants!!!!!!! What’s wrong with my life?

Advocatus_Diaboli May 10, 2009 at 12:44 am

Jesus Christ on a Segway; I worked my ass off all day on a SATURDAY without so much as a chance to check out Wonkette, and I come back to the same fucking Star Trek thread?

lovekills May 10, 2009 at 12:48 am

[re=312738]Advocatus_Diaboli[/re]: The powers that be tried to make it a porn site. Utter FAIL. i haz a sad.

Custerwolf May 10, 2009 at 12:50 am

[re=312737]lovekills[/re]: “always the fucking elephants!!!!!!! What’s wrong with my life?”

Reread that first part, I think you may have just answered your own question.

Advocatus_Diaboli May 10, 2009 at 12:54 am

[re=312738]Advocatus_Diaboli[/re]: oh, and more shooting Neilists in a barrel. Can’t ever forget shooting more Neilists in a barrel.

Custerwolf May 10, 2009 at 12:54 am

[re=312738]Advocatus_Diaboli[/re]: I was just sitting here, rolling you around in my mouth (your name, I mean), when it suddenly occured to me that those words next to your avatar are probably latin for ‘Devil’s Advocate,’ and that you are probably a lawyer.
So how close am I?

Lionel Hutz Esq. May 10, 2009 at 1:00 am

[re=312721]SayItWithWookies[/re]: So, what you are saying is that they are afraid of losing their male leads to the Republican Party?

[re=312738]Advocatus_Diaboli[/re]: But it has delightfully morphed into a porn thread. See, your Saturday wasn’t wasted.

Lionel Hutz Esq. May 10, 2009 at 1:03 am

[re=312742]Custerwolf[/re]: He is actually a tiger.

Advocatus_Diaboli May 10, 2009 at 1:03 am

[re=312742]Custerwolf[/re]: Your powers of induction are off the charts!

Custerwolf May 10, 2009 at 1:04 am

[re=312741]Advocatus_Diaboli[/re]: Poor guy. You know my brother went to Boy Scout camp with him one summer and he remembers the time when they had a masturbation contest and Nells finished first and third.

hobospacejunkie May 10, 2009 at 1:06 am

[re=312738]Advocatus_Diaboli[/re]: We’d happily comment on another post, only there aren’t any. And if it’s any consolation, my wife also worked all day, probably doing a lot of the same shit you do, while I stayed home and slept off my hangover from her birthday party. And I didn’t get her a gift, either, because I am a horrible person, and also because I haven’t had a job in 9 years.

Custerwolf May 10, 2009 at 1:07 am

[re=312744]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: [re=312745]Advocatus_Diaboli[/re]: I’m betting you’re both right.

Advocatus_Diaboli May 10, 2009 at 1:07 am

[re=312743]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: But it has delightfully morphed into a porn thread. See, your Saturday wasn’t wasted.

Links to pictures, please.

Custerwolf May 10, 2009 at 1:10 am

[re=312749]Advocatus_Diaboli[/re]: Can’t. Boyfriend’s home.

Advocatus_Diaboli May 10, 2009 at 1:10 am

[re=312746]Custerwolf[/re]: Sadly, my girlfriend wishes I still had the mojo to finish more than once.

Lionel Hutz Esq. May 10, 2009 at 1:12 am

[re=312749]Advocatus_Diaboli[/re]: I’m pretty sure that no one wants to see porn pictures of your fellow Wonketeers.

Or did you mean something else?

lovekills May 10, 2009 at 1:14 am

[re=312747]hobospacejunkie[/re]: Don’t feel too bad, i have not had a job for decade, plus……. I like really long, long, long stemmed flowers. My husband took my request for bigger vases too literally.

Custerwolf May 10, 2009 at 1:20 am

[re=312747]hobospacejunkie[/re]: Joe and I have never bought each other anything for birthdays or holidays in the almost 12 years we’ve been together. So don’t feel bad. Because we sure don’t.

Custerwolf May 10, 2009 at 1:23 am

[re=312751]Advocatus_Diaboli[/re]: Then you’d like me. I don’t usually need you to go round twice – long as you do it right the first time.

hobospacejunkie May 10, 2009 at 1:29 am

[re=312754]lovekills[/re]: Ha ha, yes, but no, but yes… I don’t feel bad. About not having a job, that is. I could call myself a househusband but that would be putting a fine gloss on things. I just don’t like work. And you know that ol’ saying, behind every great woman is a lazy man living off her? Well, you can draw your own conclusions.

Custerwolf May 10, 2009 at 1:36 am

[re=312757]hobospacejunkie[/re]: As may she some day.

Custerwolf May 10, 2009 at 1:38 am

[re=312757]hobospacejunkie[/re]: ..and the conclusion I’ve drawn is that you must be a REALLY good fuck.

hobospacejunkie May 10, 2009 at 1:52 am

[re=312759]Custerwolf[/re]: Ha ha, modesty precludes me commenting on that. Actually I’m unfit to work (crazy, I take lots of pills) and even when I did my wife makes in 6 weeks what I made in a year. So why bother, we both figure. Plus someone’s got to look after the cats, and help wife manage her own brand of (less debilitating) crazy.

hobospacejunkie May 10, 2009 at 1:54 am

[re=312759]Custerwolf[/re]: But I do very much appreciate your coming to that conclusion And while modesty may preclude my commenting, I deny nothing.

Custerwolf May 10, 2009 at 1:57 am

[re=312761]hobospacejunkie[/re]: I’ll take that as a definite “Yes.”

Custerwolf May 10, 2009 at 2:03 am

Jesus, I think I just developed nystagmus from absentmindedly following Kirk’s hypnotic back-and-forth movement. Shit.

Custerwolf May 10, 2009 at 2:08 am

Well, it’s late. I’m gonna go fuck my boyfriend now. Catch you on the flip side.

lovekills May 10, 2009 at 2:16 am

[re=312760]hobospacejunkie[/re]: your a good man, whatever. We should all love love the crazy, then the rest of us seem just that much more normal, no?

the lady MS.Sheila Dixon May 10, 2009 at 2:48 am

didn’t the president give a speech last night? you fuckers are tres self absorbed.

lovekills May 10, 2009 at 3:10 am

[re=312767]the lady MS.Sheila Dixon[/re]: “tres”, really. OK

hobospacejunkie May 10, 2009 at 3:11 am

[re=312765]lovekills[/re]: Life is definitely more interesting when your brain plays tricks on you, I will say that.

[re=312762]Custerwolf[/re]: You’re very kind.

lovekills May 10, 2009 at 3:19 am

[re=312770]hobospacejunkie[/re]: :Life is just what is given us…..I like to thank, ME. No god, just good what ever the fuck and good luck :)

lovekills May 10, 2009 at 3:29 am

So sorry for my bad grammar. My dog stinks, BAD and I don’t know how to fix. I think it’s his penis.

WindbagCity May 10, 2009 at 3:55 am

[re=312710]Brendan M.[/re]: Oh, I remember Colbert-. Wanda was fine- good riff on Biden, for the most part just what you’d expect. Good enough. Obama might have been funnier- I’m sure he didn’t write the jokes, but he’s getting good at the “smooth the silk sheets with a hot date” schtik. I just lost my train of thought…

zenferret May 10, 2009 at 1:00 pm

[re=312530]sossajes[/re]: Oh that was a joke about Hillary! See I was confused about the lack of funny.

zenferret May 10, 2009 at 1:04 pm

[re=312741]Advocatus_Diaboli[/re]: Neilist is to funny as nihilist is to meaning?

Bruno May 10, 2009 at 1:55 pm

Ok, since it hasn’t been mentioned yet, will one of your closet trekkies tell me what the hell Captain Kirk is doing in the GIF? ‘Cause to me it looks suicidial. Did he go postal in some episode?

Brendan M. May 10, 2009 at 2:43 pm

[re=312715]lovekills[/re]: You’re stupid. Well, not necessarily, but you asked why Star Trek should be taken seriously on any level, not why people here are taking it so seriously, so you are at least wrong and construct badly-worded questions/responses, although I’m sure you’re not stupid.

[re=312728]hobospacejunkie[/re]: I’ve never proclaimed my love for Malkin, as you have for “Crazy Eyes.” I might be able to hate-fuck her. Maybe. I just think it is a fairly objective point that she is much more physically attractive than Michele, and at least she has sense enough to spell her name correctly. Racist objections don’t count, so you’ve no counterargument, Hobo, just as most of her political points are invalid. This isn’t even about these horrid women anymore, I just want a consistent and logical argument out of you (which is not particularly logical, I admit).

[re=312730]Custerwolf[/re]: …I’m sorry I brought it up.

[re=312760]hobospacejunkie[/re]: So, your attraction to Bachmann is more of a kindred spirit kind of thing? You know, except for the hateful and ignorant part?

[re=312818]zenferret[/re]: Neilist is to funny as Larry Craig is to straight. They both really want it to be true, and they both blow guys in bathrooms.

[re=312824]Bruno[/re]: Yeah, it’s from that one episode where Kirk falls under alien influence.

Neilist May 10, 2009 at 3:56 pm

[re=312734]Mr Blifil[/re]: Blif, I defer to your obvious experience and expertise in that area, i.e., motel sex with transsexual hookers. (And I loved your last album, Mr. Reed, but it didn’t quite measure up to “Take A Walk On The Wild Side.”)

[re=312635]Atypical[/re]: It will be called “The Bickersons: RELOADED!”

[re=312724]Custerwolf[/re]: “Alone”? Do herd animals understand the concept of “alone”? Moooooo! (Oh, and I loved the “go fuck [your] boyfriend” comment. The pathos was moving. Really. Mooo!

TeddyS May 10, 2009 at 4:05 pm

In the interest of taking a phaser shot for my fellow Wonketteers, I went to see Star Trek. Here is my report.

Starts off with lots of explosions. Later, Cadet Kirk, in his tighty spaceage whities, is in the sack with a totally hot jalapeno green girl with red hair when they are surprised by her roomie, Cadet Uhura. So now we got a white dude, a green hottie and a black chick (waaay slinky evil mouth-watering hot, and she later has a thing for some dude with pointy ears). Uhura strips down to her own tighty whities. At this point, I am interested. Perfect chance to spin off into some big screen space porn was totally ruined when they turned it into a movie about some intergalactic war shit. Ends with lots of explosions.

End of report.

Bruno May 10, 2009 at 4:29 pm

[re=312842]TeddyS[/re]: That actually sounds totally awesome. Any freaky alien buttsecks? Or, barring butts, some unusual warm, moist and possibly ‘dirty’ alien oriface?

Custerwolf May 10, 2009 at 4:55 pm

[re=312840]Neilist[/re]: Of course you are aware that “fuck my boyfriend” is code for “masturbate to fantasies of Nells and his gun collection,” I trust. I mean we talked about this earlier, Nells, when I assured you I’m saving these moist lips (both sets) for you and you alone, so I hope you didn’t come here to make a scene. Also, I’m no longer with the herd, as I was ostracized last week for cow-punching some heifer who was spreading rumors about you banging the hell out of her in the back forty, which I’m sure was a lie. She was lying – right, Nells? Well, it was nice hearing back from you darling, even though I must confess you left me a bit confused with your combined use of the words “pathos” and “fucking” in the same sentence. Not everyone suffers from post-coital depression, honey, and those who do, eventually work themselves out of it. So don’t give up hope.

Lazy Media May 10, 2009 at 5:22 pm

[re=312757]hobospacejunkie[/re]: Dood! I have that job, too. Except when I’m on active military duty, which is kinda like going to camp.

Lazy Media May 10, 2009 at 5:27 pm

[re=312849]Custerwolf[/re]: Nell doesn’t collect guns, darlin’. I’m not convinced he actually owns any, or maybe one. He just likes to whack off to “Guns and Ammo” and “Combat Handgunner.”

Custerwolf May 10, 2009 at 5:33 pm

[re=312854]Lazy Media[/re]: If he ever asks who told you that secret, please don’t say it was me. He’d kill me.

TeddyS May 10, 2009 at 7:47 pm

Last weekend, it was all about Republican savior-in-waiting Neal Horsley screwing his mule. This weekend it is all about another Neil and even more aminal sex. Coincidence? I think not. Sing us another song, Neil.

hobospacejunkie May 10, 2009 at 8:26 pm

[re=312831]Brendan M.[/re]: If my referring to Malkin as looking like an enraged insect came across as racist, I apologize. But you must know that when talking about mens attraction to womens, consistent and logical have no place in the discussion. What turns us on turns us on. Often there is no explaining it.

Kev-O-Tron May 10, 2009 at 9:34 pm

Ha Ha Ha!!! i posted a comment about porn on Friday and here we are two days and 200 comments later… still totally off-topic. I’d just like to mention that I read this thread last night before going out and used many of the jokes here with complete strangers and I didn’t giver credit to any of you!

proudgrampa May 10, 2009 at 11:12 pm

[re=312880]Kev-O-Tron[/re]: “two days and 200 comments later… still totally off-topic…”


Brendan M. May 10, 2009 at 11:37 pm

[re=312879]hobospacejunkie[/re]: Actually, I am not a man, so I wouldn’t know. I am in fact Michelle Malkin. I troll the internet and try to convince people I’m hot. I’m kind of like a slightly-less pathetic Donna Barstow.

[re=312880]Kev-O-Tron[/re]: I do that, too! Except, after a few laughs and a couple seconds, I start feeling guilty and admit I stole the joke. I often go through my friends’ trash and recycle their cans and bottles, also. It is my shame, and I live with it.

Custerwolf May 11, 2009 at 12:06 am

[re=312887]proudgrampa[/re]: He’s apparently unaware that Star Trek and porn are synonymous.

Custerwolf May 11, 2009 at 12:07 am

[re=312890]Brendan M.[/re]: “Actually, I am not a man, so I wouldn’t know.”

I was gay for approximately 2-1/2 seconds.

Cranky Old Batt May 11, 2009 at 12:14 am

[re=312454]Naked Bunny with a Whip[/re]: For whatever reason, I suspect that Michelle could Pon Farr Barry into next week. Without breaking a sweat. Also.

o4tuna May 11, 2009 at 12:37 am

Bruno, the reason Kirk is slapping himself, is that his mind is under the control of another. If I remember correctly. Some of these replies have drawn my attention. Some calling it a crappy sci fi show, or drawing some weird comparison to Spock or the show itself being some platform to launch or reinforce conservative something, blah blah blah. Oh yeah, and whities.

Well, apparently, you few people are talking out your guy hole, and never watched the original series. Yeah, the sets were cheesy. This was the 60′s. And there were no women in the regular military. Japan was still regarded by many as a beaten enemy. And I bet few of you have ever been through a nuclear attack drill in school. And when Kirk was forced to kiss Uhura in an alien mind control thing, it sent shock waves throughout the U.S.

While not all the episodes were winners, many of them brought up current events and themes, Racism, the war in Vietnam, the Cold War, The fear of technology, and others. For the 60′s, on network broadcast TV, and there was only 3 channels to watch, it was a ground breaking show.

Above all less, the show was about loyalty and friendship to ones “mates”. Kirk, Spock, and Bones, where three musketeers. All for one, and one for all. That kind of comradery is an unknown today. It was a 24 century western. It was a morality play. It was a frickin TV show. Save your angst for something that deserves it, like having a dated tatoo.

Live long and prosper

Custerwolf May 11, 2009 at 12:42 am

[re=312907]o4tuna[/re]: Just a stab in the dark here, but I’m guessing you weren’t invited to many sleepovers as a kid.

Custerwolf May 11, 2009 at 12:48 am

[re=312907]o4tuna[/re]: “It was a frickin TV show.”
Jesus christ it’s Dr.Evil.

o4tuna May 11, 2009 at 12:58 am

Oh yeah, Don’t some of you have anything better to do then to spew the inane onto the internets? Do me a fav. Next time you feel the need to blow out your mental colon, why don’t you run to the kitchen, put your manhood on the table, and whack it several times with whatever blunt instrument you can grab along the way. It will help you build character and a sense of self awareness. You will thank me later.

Neilist May 11, 2009 at 1:02 am

[re=312849]Custerwolf[/re]: Custer: I really, really, really do appreciate your efforts to get my attention. But it’s Just Not Working.

Why not change your tactics? Say, try a litte eau de perfume, or whatever it is the Frogs call it.

But get something that goes with your “personality” and “figure.”

I suggest A-1 Steak Sauce.


Custerwolf May 11, 2009 at 1:04 am

[re=312910]o4tuna[/re]: “put your manhood on the table, and whack it several times with whatever blunt instrument you can grab along the way”
I’ll thank you right now if you come over and let me use your skull as a blunt instrument.

Custerwolf May 11, 2009 at 1:06 am

[re=312911]Neilist[/re]: Go figure, some asshole calls for a blunt instrument and look who’s the first to show up.

saggyboobedhag May 11, 2009 at 1:08 am

Okay fuckers. I went and saw the damn movie. Everyone was better than the original except Spock and Uhura.

Also, Green girl makeup was just too greasy. And no Asian sex, sorry. But, along those lines, the entire production is even more sexist than the originals. Of course, the main characters had to be the same so there’s only Uhura, whose role is even lamer than ever (and back then it took none other than Martin Luther King Jr to convince Nichelle to keep the stupid role). Women are outnumbered unnecesssarly everywhere. Basically, no more women as extras than in the 60s. LAME lame lame. NO female evil doers at all. Lame. Even the current sexist Republicans have Michelle Malkin, Ann Coulter and Laura Ingrasomething.

But it was good. I’ll go back for the sequel. Kirk and Scotty are massive improvements. Bones is even kinda hot.

Neilist May 11, 2009 at 1:09 am

[re=312907]o4tuna[/re]: Well said, O4tuna. Well said.

:::A suitable reserved golf clap:::

When Custer gets barbequed, you can have the first slice.

Thighs like hers should not be wasted.

And if the cannibals of Paupa New Guinea were around, they wouldn’t be.

(Hey, wasn’t there a Star Trek episode about a Giant Psychotic Space Cow that tried to hump the Enterprise? And her enormous teets got caught in the warp drive, and the whole thing exploded? Udderly disasterous, it was . . . .

Or is my memory going? Damme, I’ll be forgetting the names of me hounds next! . . . .)

Lascauxcaveman May 11, 2009 at 1:09 am

[re=312880]Kev-O-Tron[/re]: So, Kev… Are you a bartender yet? I could use and IPA over here!

Custerwolf May 11, 2009 at 1:17 am

[re=312916]Neilist[/re]: “Thighs like hers should not be wasted.”
Which is why I like to spread em out.

o4tuna May 11, 2009 at 1:20 am

[re=312908]Custerwolf[/re]: Well, you got me there. I’m sure you were invited many more of them then I was. I’m sure all those sleepovers and the experience you had with them as been of great value to you in your daily adult life. I’m sure you put it to good use here. Tell me, do you list that on your resume? Enough said. All in jest. Have a good life my little friend.

Neilist May 11, 2009 at 1:21 am

[re=312913]Custerwolf[/re]: Actually, dear heart, it was Tuna’s reference to your going into the kitchen and whacking something with a blunt instrument.

But with all respect, I think he’s a bit off the mark: It was your thighs that were the target, and the instrument was a meat tenderizing mallet.

Boy, those New Guinea cannibals sure move fast, don’t they? Must have been your new perfume.


Neilist May 11, 2009 at 1:22 am

[re=312921]o4tuna[/re]: Tuna, you really should stop making fun of Custer. She’s dedicated her entire life to proving the axiom: “There is NOTHING harder to get rid of than a fat chick.”


Nerdalicious May 11, 2009 at 1:25 am

Tweety is runnin’ on something other than brain cells. I hope he has to run one of his “many” apologies. They should be drinking games at this point. Christopher Buckley’s poker face: Priceless. Nice site Shorts:). “Keyboard cat, play Tweety off!”

Custerwolf May 11, 2009 at 1:32 am

[re=312923]Neilist[/re]: ““There is NOTHING harder to get rid of than a fat chick.””

Well, I hate to be the one to tell you this Nells, but that fat chick who left your place this morning told me as she was leaving that she left you with something you’ll find a whole lot harder to get rid of than her. Not even penicillin’s gonna help you this time buddy.

Neilist May 11, 2009 at 1:46 am

[re=312931]Custerwolf[/re]: Once again, I bow to your obvious expertise and extensive knowledge of the matters you so artfully reference.

And in such charming and piquant language, too.

“Mooo!,” she uddered, as the admiring band of New Guineans drew closer . . . .

o4tuna May 11, 2009 at 1:46 am

[re=312916]Neilist[/re]: Oh, that explains much then. As for that episode. I believe you have it somewhat confuded. There was one where Kirk had a vigina dentata moment, where he was about to be “consumed”. But, lucky for Kirk, Scotty was able to pull him out. There was a big bang and stuff was ejected, and the show was over. I hope you should not meet such a fate with custerwolf. I’m just visiting here and won’t be around to be your Scotty. sorry.

Custerwolf May 11, 2009 at 2:00 am

[re=312944]o4tuna[/re]: “vigina dentata”
That’s latin for “my teeth are in your vagina,” right?
That’s what I thought.

Custerwolf May 11, 2009 at 2:04 am

[re=312941]Neilist[/re]: Did you say we’ve got new Guinness’s coming? Thank god. All I’ve got here is lip dribble.

Neilist May 11, 2009 at 2:22 am

[re=312953]Custerwolf[/re]: Guinness? Oh, you’re IRISH! That helps “The Troubles” re Irish-Catholic clergymen and altar boys.

And “dribble” is hardly the medically correct terminology for vaginal discharge.

Tuna, my son: I leave the monster to you. It’s fun clubbing gay baby harp seals, but sooner or later, one’s arm get tired.

Also, it’s pointless giving a wooden lobotomy a la ice floe to someone who’s already got brain wave readings to equal those of Terry Savio.

Post-accident, that is.

A final thought: Soul Sister has returned – with thicker thighs and a smaller vocabulary.

(“Go fuck my boyfriend.” The Mind Reels . . . . )


bago May 11, 2009 at 2:26 am

a stunning lack of self awareness proudly announced itself this evening.

Custerwolf May 11, 2009 at 2:27 am

[re=312921]o4tuna[/re]: Goddammit don’t leave!! You’re so fucking cute when you do your retarded nerd impersonation. It’s a bit hackneyed, sure, but I personally never get tired of it.

Custerwolf May 11, 2009 at 2:33 am

[re=312966]Neilist[/re]: “the medically correct terminology.”
Here Nells, let me fix that phrase for you: “the correct medical terminology.”
There. That’s better.
You’re welcome.
And don’t ever embarrass me like that in front of these people again.

Lazy Media May 11, 2009 at 4:56 am

Saw “Star Trek.” Not impressed. Better than “Wolverine,” but not that much better, and that’s a low bar.
1. Fight scenes and CGI battles do not make up for lack of story. Abridged “Wrath of Khan” + “The Planet Eater” + steals from “Star Wars” is worse even than the standard Roddenberry script (the Enterprise meets God, who is insane or a child).
2. Revenge is OK as a motivation, but not when it’s the sole motivation for the two protagonists AND the villain.
3. Unlike the all-mutiny-all-the-time BSG fleet, Star Fleet is supposed to have SOME discipline and rank structure. Cadet to cruiser captain in one easy step, and all it took was insubordination. And Spock. Banging the students, when you’re an instructor? NOT COOL.
4. The secondary characters should have a ghost of a reason to act as footstools for the protagonists.
5. Time travel ought to be a plot device in its own right, not just a way to avoid continuity with the original series.
6. How about a bit more concern about the DESTRUCTION OF A MAJOR FEDERATION PLANET/RACE, for cryi? That was met with only slightly more cast reaction than Kirk tossing a vintage Corvette into a canyon.
7. What’s the deal with artificial black holes? Do they destroy the ship or send it back in time? See No. 5.
8. Simon Pegg’s fake Scottish accent is a dead ringer for James Doohan’s fake Scottish accent. Neither of them sounds legitimately Scottish, but that’s OK. But Scotty does NOT need a wacky sidekick.
9. Decent casting, and workmanlike acting. The dialogue, eh, perhaps a bit too involved with knowing winks at the original series, but you had to expect that. With a better story, this cast could have been pretty good.

imissopus May 11, 2009 at 11:20 am

Jesus Neilist, are you still on here making with the cow jokes? Wow, you are one clever, clever guy. I’m betting you’ve been rejected by more women than yeast infections. You loathsome misogynist shit. What, the wonketeers have destroyed so many of your intellectual arguments in the past that all you have to resort to are cow jokes? What an impressive intellect for someone who claims to be a lawyer. Which law school? I’m going to call them and see if they will admit you are an alum, or if they would rather deny it and remain respectable.

What a loathsome piece of garbage. I have more intellectual firepower in my stool. I renew my call for the ban hammer.

Brendan M. May 11, 2009 at 2:41 pm

[re=312896]Custerwolf[/re]: You are so sweet.

[re=313118]imissopus[/re]: You know, I’m not a fan of banning non-spammers, usually, and I’ve witnessed a few premature bans here. But this Neilist douchebag is contributing absolutely nothing of value (which douchebags actually do), and he’s being a prick.

I vote for bringing down the ban hammer.

Snerdley May 11, 2009 at 3:32 pm

[re=312439]Nerdalicious[/re]: I just want to grab that cute ol Chris Mathew’s face and suck the spittle right out of his body! *SCHLURRRRRRPPPPPPPPPPP*

imissopus May 11, 2009 at 4:11 pm

[re=313384]Brendan M.[/re]: I’m not usually a fan of it either, but as you said, the guy is contributing absolutely nothing of value. The regulars on here normally have both a sense of humor and trenchant insight, and this douche has neither. So fuck him. Trucknutz, also.

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