WE READ BOOKS SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO  5:01 pm May 8, 2009

Bush & Obama’s Shared Joy: Hating Alan Keyes

by Ken Layne

The president and the retard.So we’re finally getting around to reading Obama’s second book, The Audacity of Hope, because we didn’t want to read it before the election and get all pissed off at the guy for writing some bullshit hardcover pamphlet about the Politics. His first book, I Dream of Africa, was pretty good! All the more reason to be wary of the one he wrote after he was in the Senate. Would there be moments of “BLAM!” in it? Probably not. But there are some funny stories, it turns out!

When Obama was sworn in, by Dick Cheney, in January 2005, he went with the other newbies to the White House to shake hands with Bush Jr. and get his picture taken and whatever. It had been a Season of Fail for the Democrats, and Bush was jabbering about his 51% “mandate” and the “political capital” he intended to spend. The right wing controlled the White House, the Senate, the House of Representatives and the Supreme Court, and Obama’s Illinois victory was one of the only bits of good news for Democrats, who were just terrible at everything. (Kerry? For fucking president? Ugh, and John Edwards for vice president?)

Anyway, gather ’round ducklings, because it’s story time. The scene: Obama is stuffing his face with hors d’œuvre, so he misses the photo op with the president. Everybody is leaving and the waiters are trying to take Obama’s plate so he’ll finally leave:

Wanting to thank my hosts, I headed toward the Blue Room. A young Marine at the door politely indicated that the photograph session was over and that the president needed to get to his next appointment. But before I could turn around to go, the President himself appeared in the doorway and waved me in.

“Obama!” the President said, shaking my hand. “Come here and meet Laura. Laura, you remember Obama. We saw him on the TV during election night. Beautiful family. And that wife of yours– that’s one impressive lady.”

“We both got better than we deserve, Mr. president,” I said [THIS IS HOW WHITE PEOPLE TALK TO EACH OTHER -- Ed.] , shaking the First Lady’s hand and hoping that I’d wiped any crumbs off my face. The President turned to an aide nearby, who squirted a big dollop of hand sanitizer in the President’s hand.

“Want some?” the President asked. “Good stuff. Keeps you from getting colds.”

Not wanting to seem unhygienic, I took a squirt.

“Come over here for a second,” he said, leading me off to one side of the room. “You know,” he said quietly, “I hope you don’t mind me giving you a piece of advice.”

“Not at all, Mr. President.”

He nodded. “You’ve got a bright future,” he said. “Very bright. But I’ve been in this town a while, and let me tell you, it can be tough. When you get a lot of attention like you’ve been getting, people start gunnin’ for ya. And it won’t necessarily just be coming from my side, you understand. From yours, too. Everybody’ll be waiting for you to slip, know what I mean? So watch yourself.”

“Thanks for the advice, Mr. President.”

“All right, I gotta get going. You know, me and you got something in common.”

“What’s that?”

“We both had to debate Alan Keyes. That guy’s a piece of work, isn’t he?”

The Audacity of Hope [Powell's]

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Bearbloke May 8, 2009 at 5:05 pm

If I hate on Alan, can I be a Preznit also? Also.

Dave J. May 8, 2009 at 5:05 pm

Not wanting to seem unhygienic, I took a squirt.

Interestingly enough, the same sentence appears in Larry Craig’s memoirs. Different context, though.

V572625694 May 8, 2009 at 5:07 pm

Yer makin this shit up. “Not wanting to seem unhygienic, I took a squirt.” I say that every night.

RoscoePColtraine May 8, 2009 at 5:09 pm

Good times.

thegunner May 8, 2009 at 5:11 pm

squirtin’ is what alan id doin in tha jail tonight,but not for hygienic seeming.

chascates May 8, 2009 at 5:12 pm

That Dubya is a piece of work, tambien.

Texan Bulldoggette May 8, 2009 at 5:13 pm

Ummm…this actually makes W seem a little bit human instead of the dumbass puppet sitting on Uncle Dick’s knee for 8 years.

Although wanting to get his hand sanitized right after shaking Barry’s hand was a little rude…too bad that’s not the worst thing he did while in office.

Brendan M. May 8, 2009 at 5:13 pm

The President turned to an aide nearby, who squirted a big dollop of hand sanitizer in the President’s hand.

“Want some?” the President asked. “Good stuff. Keeps you from getting colds.”

Not wanting to seem unhygienic, I took a squirt.

Even then, they were planning this Swine Flu bio-attack? Was Obama in the Skull and Bones, too?

Dreamer May 8, 2009 at 5:13 pm

I am guessing even satan is hatin on Alen Kays. That mothafuker is a wacked job. I think he fell in his head when he was born.

ManchuCandidate May 8, 2009 at 5:15 pm

Hating Alan Keyes is the Grand Unification Theory of US American politics.

SayItWithWookies May 8, 2009 at 5:16 pm

Wait — I — um — oh, nevermind.

Gorillionaire May 8, 2009 at 5:17 pm

Ya know, I raged with a seething hatred of the Bush Administration for eight miserable years and cursed his name in all of the ancient languages, but the “we both had to debate Alan Keyes” punch line is pretty funny.

Custerwolf May 8, 2009 at 5:18 pm

Maybe it’s just me, but I think Obama’s Grim Reaper impression only works when he’s actually wearing the cloak.

19kevin8 May 8, 2009 at 5:21 pm

Alan Keyes is a demonic muppet, and Dobson’s hand is up his ass making him talk.

queeraselvis v 2.0 May 8, 2009 at 5:21 pm

Okay, this makes two pics in a row in which dear Alan is looking for all the world like he’s thoroughly enjoying a nice soothing Drano enema. Just sayin’.

Mad Farmer Manifest May 8, 2009 at 5:22 pm

[re=312267]Custerwolf[/re]: “It was… the salmon mousse!”

Magnus Maximus May 8, 2009 at 5:22 pm

Uggghh NO, DAMN YOU OBAMA, an anecdote that makes me sort of like Bush…*covers ears, starts going LALALA*

Brendan M. May 8, 2009 at 5:22 pm

You know, when I look at that photo, I see two future presidents.

bored with gravity May 8, 2009 at 5:25 pm

“All right, I gotta get going. You know, me and you got something in common.”

– Barbara Bush is a Muslin?

floraway May 8, 2009 at 5:26 pm

Last time I saw my boyfriend’s mom: “Alan Keyes has some good ideas, and at least he stands up for what he believes.”
My boyfriend: “Yes, he stands up for disowning his daughter because she is openly gay.”
Me: “And for criticizing Hillary Clinton for not being a native New Yorker when she ran for senate. Then he got a condo in IL so that he could run for senate… even though he lived in Maryland.”
Boyfriend’s mom: “Well, I don’t get why everyone hates him so much.”

Sometimes existing hurts.

Brendan M. May 8, 2009 at 5:27 pm

Jeez, all you people worried about all of a sudden liking Dubya because of this one line?

Here: “I call upon all nations to do everything they can to stop these terrorist killers. Thank you. Now, watch this drive.”

Do you have your hate-boners back now? For fuck’s sake…

Mad Farmer Manifest May 8, 2009 at 5:27 pm

[re=312266]Gorillionaire[/re]: [re=312276]Magnus Maximus[/re]: Totally. At least he can take a jab at someone who deserves it here and there. Plus he’s had the good sense to keep his mouth shut since leaving office. Good things=2, bad things= (sorry, I just blew up my calculator)

wheelie May 8, 2009 at 5:27 pm

As far I can remember, Alan Keyes is the only person Obama openly expresses contempt for in Hopes of My Dreams.

Mind you, I didn’t finish it but then, who did?

Lascauxcaveman May 8, 2009 at 5:32 pm

Hand sanitizer, good stuff. With all the hands they shake, I’m every president has been going through buckets of the stuff since it was invented.

Still, its kinda nice how it makes W look a dumb racist here.

Magnus Maximus May 8, 2009 at 5:36 pm

Brendan M: Thanks man!

jagorev May 8, 2009 at 5:42 pm

Ha, that was hilarious. I might just go out and buy one of his books now – I’ve never read either one.

jagorev May 8, 2009 at 5:48 pm

[re=312288]wheelie[/re]: Hopes of My Dreams? I thought it was called the Audacity of Muslim Africa?

Not_So_Much May 8, 2009 at 5:53 pm

[re=312294]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: I drink hand sanitizer by the gallon if I suspect I was near a Muslin.

Custerwolf May 8, 2009 at 5:55 pm

[re=312275]Mad Farmer Manifest[/re]: Thank you for that one.

torera May 8, 2009 at 5:59 pm

which once again brings up the question of why there isn’t a SANITY TEST for everyone who announces he or she is running for public office. From dogcatcher on up (or down).

Origami May 8, 2009 at 6:05 pm

All I got from this is that Bush rubbed one out with hand sanitizer after thinking about Michelle Obama.

zhubajie May 8, 2009 at 6:14 pm

[re=312286]Brendan M.[/re]: I still hate him killing a million people to please his vanity.

Zhu Bajie

GreatSatan May 8, 2009 at 6:23 pm

That story is the best thing in the book. I completely forgot about it. It’s a classic because it so clearly illustrates the personalities of these two guys. Obama nodding politely as the President babbles away in his condescendingly jocular fashion.

I’ve always thought Bush had a shitload of cheap charisma. You know, for an idiot.

By the way, “THIS IS HOW WHITE PEOPLE TALK TO EACH OTHER” is the funniest and truest editor’s note in the history of the Internets.

wheelie May 8, 2009 at 6:28 pm

[re=312302]jagorev[/re]: Don’t bother reading it. Seriously, at the end of Chapter Four, it says, “Now, there is no need to read any more of this book, the rest is garbage. Just leave on your coffee table when people call around and carry it with you on public transportation, stuff like that. Thanks, Barry.”

Big Liver May 8, 2009 at 6:30 pm

Well, that was great, and damn, I will read his books now. And Bush, well, it’s refreshing to find a W anecdote that doesn’t fuel my detestation for him. Actually, offering Obama a squirt of the hand sanitizer seems pretty egalitarian, and I have to admit, that was good advice.

the lady MS.Sheila Dixon May 8, 2009 at 6:31 pm

audacity of hope.. great book

African American

Elitist Degree

Cold Fucking Hatin’ on President Obama



GreatSatan May 8, 2009 at 6:34 pm

Also, I wonder if Bush really calls it “the TV”. If so, awesome.

Leopolt May 8, 2009 at 8:37 pm

So, the story I heard was that at one point during the Iraq War someone mentioned Sen. Obama to Bush, who thought the guy said “Osama” and got thoroughly pissed off, then claimed he had never heard of a Sen. Obama. So maybe Bush was able to remember his name for like, fifteen minutes.

Wonder if he remembers it now…

Brendan M. May 8, 2009 at 9:04 pm

[re=312355]zhubajie[/re]: For freedom.

[re=312479]Leopolt[/re]: I heard Rep. Jan Schakowsky wore an ‘Obama’ button back in 2004 and Bush thought it was an ‘Osama’ button and asked her about it. She explained that it was a Barack Obama, candidate for the US Senate in Illinois, button, and that Bush would be advised to remember the name.

j6n May 8, 2009 at 9:59 pm

You see? Anyone can be president.

PerhapsSo May 8, 2009 at 11:38 pm

I am annoyed that he keeps calling Hopey “Obama” without a title of some kind, but at least he didn’t give him an annoying nickname.

AxmxZ May 8, 2009 at 11:42 pm

So, Barry can take a squirt. That’s good to know.

AxmxZ May 8, 2009 at 11:43 pm

[re=312542]PerhapsSo[/re]: The name’s probably bizarre enough to have fried some of his circuits a bit.

sezme May 9, 2009 at 12:21 am

[re=312376]wheelie[/re]: True, but it’s worth finishing, because he spends the rest of the book telling incredibly dirty jokes.

RoscoePColtraine May 9, 2009 at 12:28 am

[re=312382]GreatSatan[/re]: If what you meant was “The Tee-Vee, I’d say probably yes.

Bruno May 9, 2009 at 4:17 am

Don’t mock the hand sanitizer guy. He’s the one who protected Barry when he was in Mexico City meeting the evil science guy who gots the pigs flu

Bruno May 9, 2009 at 4:19 am

[re=312542]PerhapsSo[/re]: “I am annoyed that he keeps calling Hopey “Obama” without a title of some kind, but at least he didn’t give him an annoying nickname.”

This is highly polite actually in Republican circles given the other options of “Yo Putin”, “You Da Man” or “Boy”

Dindc May 9, 2009 at 4:32 am

I wanna do Alan… I REALLY do.


‘Cause he looks just like my ex.

So, I’d be doing him and saying sweet things to him like: “Take it you worthless bitch!” and then I’d get confused about whether I was doing Alan or my ex and that would, like, throw ice water all over the whole thing, so I’d hafta start all over and, I mean, it could take HOURS…

TGY May 9, 2009 at 6:47 am


No, seriously, you’re just reading that NOWWWWW?

Leopolt May 9, 2009 at 11:28 am

[re=312489]Brendan M.[/re]: Yeah, that was it.

WadISay May 9, 2009 at 4:06 pm

Wait, you mean Bush was with Obama for 3 minutes and didn’t give him a condescending, patronizing nickname, like “Spearchucker” or something?

Hunger Tallest Palin May 9, 2009 at 5:08 pm

Piece of work is not quite the phrase I would use to describe Keyes.

EatFrankRich May 10, 2009 at 12:12 am

Kids, stop harshing on Keyes. Don’t any of you youngsters remember him moshing for the vote on TV Nation? Have you already forgotten the words of Michael Moore?

He may be a rightwing lunatic, but he’s OUR rightwing lunatic!!

DangerousLiberal May 10, 2009 at 1:30 pm

I never thought that I’d say this, but, here goes: 43, FTW.

Freelance Minion May 10, 2009 at 10:51 pm

I think in both parties “he’s a piece of work” translates as “that guy’s batshit crazy!” Even for a crazy right winger Alan Keyes seems to be VERY a piece of work.

phildeaux May 11, 2009 at 12:47 pm

It’s no secret that hand sanitizer contains alcohol. W was getting his drink on, osmosis style.

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