If you have not already read and re-read (for the updates!) this blog post from a conservative law professor at Cornell about Barack Obama and dijon mustard, you should probably just go kill yourself for missing out.

Our jaw dropped somewhere around Update #4, but by Update #7 we were sobbing. It is now at Update #9 and this Wonkette post is taking forever to write because we cannot stop clapping. ART, people, there is ART occurring here.

*This* is how to go fucking nuts, live on the Internet. No offhand one-liners about TelePrompters or Kenya. Child’s play! You’ve got to see Barack Obama order Dijon mustard for a hamburger and write a 9-update cosmic mindfuck of a blog post about it, littered with disastrous jokes left and right (“Mayo” looks/sounds like “Mao” !! !), over the course of three days. So thank you William A. Jacobson, Ivy League Law Professor, because this Internet deserves a better class of wingnut.

Dijongate [Legal Insurrection]

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  1. We knew that Biden made Barry pull up next to the wingnut prof in his big honking Caddie Limo, roll down the window and ask him, “Excuse me, do you have any Grey Poupon?”

  2. Who is this mysterious D. John Mustard, and was he implicated in the death of Vince Foster? Wonkette should consider him a condiment of interest.

  3. Hey now, he doesn’t eat Mayo because he hates the Irish almost as much as he hates the jews.

    If there is one thing that really gets hopey’s panties in a knot, it’s Irish counties.

  4. I won’t consider this whole mustard thing to be an official wingnut meme until I see it written in crude lettering on a Teabagger’s protest-sign-thing.

  5. [re=310830]lawrenceofthedesert[/re]: His father, Col. Mustard, was often viewed with suspicion, especially in libraries…

  6. [re=310830]lawrenceofthedesert[/re]: Huh, and here I always thought a condiment was something you ate to get the latex taste out of your mouth.

  7. If you eat the Dijon mustard, the terrorists have won.

    My god in hebben, these guys are like Homo Floresiensis – stuck on their little island, growing smaller and smaller, their brains rapidly devolving to something between a chimp and a retarded porpoise.

  8. [re=310837]lukewarm[/re]: Yeah, that’s definitely tongue-in-cheek. Unfortunately, it’s not at all clever or funny. SO it just flops there like a dying fish out of water. And with every update, the auteur reminds us how hilarious it is. To him.

  9. [re=310830]lawrenceofthedesert[/re]: [re=310842]Autochthon[/re]: Would either of these two gentleman be related to the notorious Mean Mr. Mustard? The one who sleeps in the park, shave in the dark? You know, a real go-getter?

  10. I really can’t say anything that this comment to the prof doesn’t say perfectly:

    “Jesus H. Christ on a Segway. Is this the best a law professor from Cornell can come up with? Snide comments about Obama requesting Dijon mustard?? My father, a tried and true conservative, WWII ball turret gunner on a B-17 for 25 missions over Germany – many of them unescorted – recipient of the Distinguished Flying Cross and the Army Air Corp Medal for valor, likes Dijon mustard. He eats it on every kind of sandwich. Would you like to imply that he’s an effete, metrosexual, elitist secret Frenchified wimp?

    I’ve always wanted to say this: Professor? Go fuck yourself.

    Oh, and before you go, can I have a look in your lunch bag? I want to make sure your wife packed your juice box and cut the crusts off of your PBJ’s.

    You’re a fucking child.

    A. Fucking. Child.”

  11. Not one mention of the frenchy brioche bun? What about the hoity toity dry aged beef? The amish white cheddar got nary a mention from NRO. Stick to your guns with the Dijon mustard, but I’m sure Ma and Pa America would be a bit more upset to learn that they offer a traitor burger with foie gras, bordelaise sauce and truffle oil.

  12. Please tell me one of you law types has had this idiot professor. I would love to know all about his “teaching” style.

  13. Just so these guys know, the true elite accompaniment to ARRUGULA!1!!!1! would be some sort of small-batch organic stone ground mustard, preferably one made from a hipster brewery in Oregon or Vermont. We’ve got about 50 different varieties of that shit out here in Oregon, and each one is mind-bendingly delicious. Dijon mustard was exotic back in 1980, and even that’s a maybe. They have packets of it at most restaurants now. What a joke.

  14. Wow, that guy is being OWNED in the comments though…it’s hilarious.


  15. [re=310876]jagorev[/re]: Cornell IS Ivy League. You must not be friends with anyone from Cornell. I am, and believe me, they like to remind you at every opportunity that Cornell is an Ivy League school.

  16. As interesting as the dijon mustard is, I want to know why MSNBC did not spend more time discussing the bacon angle. How long will The One’s Favorite Network ignore Obama’s flouting of Islamic law?

    The Truth must be told.

  17. Okay, I just want to make sure that I’m marching lockstep with the majority. Are we suppose to find Prof. Jacobson’s satire funny or not? I thought it was kinda funny, and I thought the commentary was pretty damn hilarious, but I don’t want to be accused of heresy or whatever.

  18. First it was John “Teresa Heinz” Kerry. Now it’s Barack “Hussein Dijon” Obama. I love how these libtards try to mask their elitist ways but can’t even pick the right condiments!

  19. I’m already cringing in anticipation of the right-wing political cartoons featuring Obama rolling down the window of his Rolls Royce and requesting a jar of mustard from someone… probably a terrorists in another Rolls Royce.

  20. Rush Limbaugh’s Tuna Salad
    Tuna (one whole Blue Fin)
    Dab of mayo
    Oxy (two metric handfuls ground in a pepper mill)

  21. RINOs George and Laura Bush also used the gay and French condiment

    President and Laura Bush’s Deviled Eggs Recipe

    12 large eggs, boiled hard and peeled
    1 Tbsp (plus) soft butter
    1 Tbsp (plus) mayonnaise
    1 Tbsp Dijon mustard
    1/2 tsp Yucatan Sunshine Habanero sauce
    Salt to taste

    Yucatan Sunshine Habanero sauce? Is that fascist?

    Hannity already mentioned Dijongate. It’s officially a wingnut meme.

  22. That is fucking retarded, and therefore awesome

    UPDATE #15 will just be a picture of a Grey Poupon bottle and a French flag or something.

    Stay classy, Cornell.

  23. With apologies to The Who…

    Ever since I was a young boy
    I used the yellow stuff
    From French’s down to Gulden’s
    I could never get enough
    But the president one-upped me
    On burgers and with slaw —
    That socialist half-muslin
    Sure eats the mean Dijon.

    He orders it so smoothly
    And waves his bills around
    He shouts out to the Mexicans
    Who lay those patties down
    But when he hits the condiments
    You see them drop their jaws —
    That socialist half-muslin
    Sure eats the mean Dijon.

    It’s a Dijon blizzard
    There has to be a twist —
    The Dijon blizzard is
    On Rush Limbaugh’s list

    Why do you think he does it?
    (Just to piss them off!)
    What makes him so halal?

    He pretends to be American
    When he plays basketball
    And even in a turban
    All his three-pointers fall
    But he can’t bowl for diddly
    And at the burger stand I saw —
    That socialist half-muslin
    Sure eats the mean Dijon.

    I thought I lived
    In a nation of Christians
    But we just handed the
    Caliphate to him.

    Now universal healthcare
    Is coming in the fall
    And tattoos on our foreheads
    Will be our wake-up call
    So don’t say that it surprised you
    ‘Cause it’s written on the wall
    That socialist half-muslin
    Sure eats the mean Dijon.

  24. [re=310859]SwanSwanH[/re]: HAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH…Seriously, though they have a lovely school for hotel management though, and two gorges to through yourself into when you realize you’re stuck in Ithaca for x number of years.

  25. [re=310864]Mad Farmer Manifest[/re]: The professor then told the person who left the comment to calm down and get a sense of humor. Uh, he started the comment, “Jesus H. Christ on a Segway,” which was significantly funnier than any of the mustard blather that preceded it.

  26. [re=310912]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: It’s satire. What I’m not sure about is whether we’re supposed to find it funny, which I did, or jump on the “ridicule the conservative” bandwagon. Sometimes, my Wonkette-ese gets a little garbled.

  27. Whoa! Wait a sec! Gherkins, did he say gherkins??? Oh snap, he could have said cornichons, and made it hella sinister.
    Maybe he’ll figure this out by the 11th UPDATE.

  28. [re=310909]SnarkNotFark[/re]: I’ve heard that Cornell has the highest suicide rate in the Ivy League. This guy must have something to do with it.

  29. This guy is just a clinical professor- he probably isn’t taken very seriously by his faculty colleagues to start with, and this will just make things worse. Unless Cornell Law is an Ivy version of Regent, in which case he’s probably already lined up a gig as a guest legal commentator on Fox.

  30. [re=310833]AllHat[/re]: He doesn’t teach. He operates one of law school’s legal clinics. At first I thought that meant a clinic where law students advise and represent poors re, e.g., Medicaid, SSI, unemployment bnefits, etc.

    But nooooooooo. This is from a letter Jacobson wrote on Cornell letterhead: “The Cornell Law Securities Clinic is a Cornell Law School curricular offering in which law students provide representation to public investors …”.

  31. [re=310921]Noonan[/re]: Word up! SayItWithWookies: Major win, and now I can’t get that flippin’ tune out of my head.


  32. And the problem is this guy somehow doesn’t like food that tastes good? What is he British?

    Does he like tasteless Upstate New York wine as well?


    Seriously I think some first year hotelie should go kick him in the nutz.

  33. [re=310909]SnarkNotFark[/re]: To be fair, Ithaca is the only Truck Nutz-free zone in Upstate NY. It’s in the state bylaws.

    And I only went there for the engineering school, not the team that never wins that lame non-playoff football league. We leave that to the jocks at Harvard.

    Oh, and the Hotelies are eminently doable. All of them. Also.

  34. [re=310931]prototype[/re]: Well, yeah, he’s seems like a total asshole in that, but I still think Dijongate is pretty funny. Mostly because I tend to agree that MSNBC is so far up Barry’s ass that it’s a wonder the reporters can breath.

  35. [re=310920]Min[/re]: Thats not satire. This douchesack only put his tongue in his cheek after he realized he was being laughed at. “I meant that, oh yeah, it was meant to be funny, yeah, thats it.”

  36. [re=310866]Scarab[/re]: Cornell has to stay so we Penn alums have someone to look down upon. God bless you, Professor Mustard, for ensuring that we keep our spot as not-quite-the-worst Ivy.

  37. [re=310934]Alldat[/re]: He would not be considered a colleague at all by the real professors, trust me. And he runs a clinic in bottom-feeding, how interesting.

  38. [re=310923]Custerwolf[/re]: That pic of Obama in the rain is going to be on so many bedroom ceilings by the end of the week.

    [re=310921]Noonan[/re]: [re=310937]Bronkers[/re]: Y’all are too kind.

  39. [re=310868]kthxbai…also[/re]: I try to avoid saying this, because I don’t see this comments section as like anything competitive, such as, but FUCKING WIN!

  40. [re=310876]jagorev[/re]: Hey, our hotel managers are the finest America has to offer.

    Seriously, though, the next time you go to a Holiday Inn, you’ll WISH the guy in charge went to Cornell.

  41. The whole condiment thing really is a deal with the nutters. Remember in 04 when they all boycotted Heinz and even invented some weird wingnutty ketchup? Then there was that other time that they were hysterical over salsa becoming the #1 condiment?

    Any law or business school in the country will have a certain number of conservatives, but usually they’re not quite this retarded.

    Cornell was home to the great Carl Sagan!

  42. [re=310980]SayItWithWookies[/re]: He’s drips of that sexuality which comes only to those who don’t attempt to work at it, but who just stay entirely out of its way.

  43. Some people might try claiming that tripe is “humor” or “comedy” or even “satire” but the fact of the matter is:
    Comedy is funny… unlike “William A. Jacobson” or 99.9999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999…% of the wingnutosphere.

    Religion and republicanism are real fucking comedy killers. You can’t be funny when you actually believe the superstitious and ill-informed garbage that spews out of your mouth.

  44. [re=310858]Noonan[/re]: I could care less about this mustard thing. What I need to know is where she got those great shoes.

  45. I’m getting a kick out of the “u libruls kant take a joke!!” responses from the Professor and his supporters. FYI to conservatives with satirical aspirations: If you have to explain it, you don’t got teh funny.

  46. [re=310900]FMA[/re]:The local joke among University of Maryland Baltimore Country students is to call their school “UCLA”: which stands for “University of Catonsville, Left at Arbutus”

  47. i know the projection meme is mostly lame but this is a great example. this asshole-monkey fucks’ contention that the left is insecure…HA! i scorn you evil little man. substance has finally prevailed over the vaporous mopery of the rights flossy web of disillusion and deceit, and it comes clothed in a lascivious desire for fancy condiments.

  48. The Republicans are right–Condiments are sinful. Why the hell do you think they have Bristol Palin out there selling abstinence?

  49. [re=310931]prototype[/re]: I dunno – think of how badly EVERYONE freaks out at Sara’s posts at… wherever the hell she posts? NBC? And how it’s snarky and not and then snarky again? Libtards and rootnuts (like trucknuts, but not as nootrishus) alike are always horrified whenever she says anything, esp. about outlawing mongooses… mongeese?

  50. [re=311012]Atheist Nun[/re]: Legal “humor” + Conservative “humor” + no securities class action plaintiffs coming in the door = a perfect storm of teh stupids, an F5.

  51. Wow. Nine? Seriously, nine? I saw this the other day, and he was only up to four, and the amused liberals were starting to show up, and the regular commenters were all, “Why are you all laughing at us? This wouldn’t even be a big deal if the media hadn’t tried to suppress the mustard revelation! Mustard cover-up! Mustard cover-up!”

    And you’re telling me there’s more?

  52. [re=310855]Leopolt[/re]: I think you are giving porpoises (even the short bus riding ones) a short shrift comparing them to this guy.

  53. Favorite comment: “I’m urging my daughter to take your class next year (really). She has trouble with my sense of humor and is convinced I’m a right-wing nutcase. Your blog is one of my favorites.”

    Yeeeeesssss … that will help.

  54. THANK GOD someone finally blew the lid off (no pun intended) the connection between Obama and the makers of Grey Poupon, that crazy French Socialist Collective, Kraft Foods. Because someone had to do it.

  55. [re=311138]Dreamer[/re]: I think it’s supposed to be snark, but his regular readers don’t understand snark and have thus “unsnarked” it. It’s that whole thing about life imitating retards or something, also.

  56. [re=310934]Alldat[/re]: He is an “Associate Clinical Professor of Law”. That’s the law school equivalent of being the PE teacher. He would have to teach sex-ed and drivers-ed on the side if his school offered it.

  57. I officially can no longer find the line between satire and retardation. Which is this? If it’s satire, it’s really brilliant.

  58. [re=311153]GreatOldOnesParty[/re]: It is probably snark. But Denby told me snark was bad. Therefore we need to Anally Crucify him in front of Day Hall.

  59. TBH, “Grey Poupon” isn’t a bad mustard, but I don’t prefer it because it is a tad too sweet.

    MAILLE forever bitches.

  60. [re=311269]gurukalehuru[/re]: “If it was supposed to be a joke, why wasn’t it funny?”

    Agreed. If he were a Wonkette commentator, he would be banned for being unfunny. Now, where are those promote-your-own-blog trolls (except shorts who gets an automatic pass)

  61. “We knew that Biden made Barry pull up next to the wingnut prof in his big honking Caddie Limo, roll down the window and ask him, “Excuse me, do you have any Grey Poupon?”

    you idiot – he said “Excuse me, do you have anything grey to poop on?”

  62. [re=311284]Bruno[/re]: At least we can add “trucknutz” “buttsecks” and/or “also” to comments that might be mistaken for actual wingnuttery so that all the hip kids of the in-crowd know it’s snark.

  63. Please tell me he didn’t eat the “spicy” mustard. I thought we were restricted to yellow mustard. But, then that’s French’s and we only eat “free” mustard, right?

  64. I can NOT wait to hear Zobama’s take on Dijongate: “Please allow me to introduce myself, I’m a man who likes Dijon mustard, but MSNBC didn’t tell y’all that!” (Crashes into group of wingnuts teabagging each other.)

  65. [re=310907]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Truly awe-inspiring. I had Roger Daltrey sing it in my head for me. A masterpiece, sir.

  66. Just for the record, my Korean friend Wilma makes the world’s greatest stone ground mustard. Plop a dollop on an Ak-mak cracker, sit back, and enjoy the ride.

  67. [re=311455]Trixie[/re]: I took a look and noticed it was yet another case of the “I called you all assholes and you were mean to me for no reason” nonsense. I really wonder if a persecution complex is a prerequisite for being a conservative at this point.

  68. Is your intern Juli Weiner paid or unpaid. Do you make her get coffee, pick up the kids from school, mow the lawn, etc. I would be delighted to know.

  69. So now good mustard is like unpatriotic or some shit? That sucks because I just found this really tasty cabernet roasted garlic mustard the other day and have nearly downed the entire jar in two days flat. The only downside is that the dog doesn’t seem to like it, but at least it makes my peckerhead tingle in a delightful way.

  70. Remain vigilant! Someone call Homeland Security!
    We need to keep close watch on this situation– I bet it does not stop at the dijon mustard.
    Iceberg lettuce was nowhere to be seen. Romaine lettuce & designer tomatoes were very likely involved.
    Tune in next time to see if it was a whole wheat bun WITH sesame seeds!!!!!

  71. [re=310907]SayItWithWookies[/re]: One of your best!! If I may add a tiny addition, I think it would scan better if you added the adjective “Fat” to the line “On Rush Limbaugh’s list.” With emphasis: On FAT Rush Limbaugh’s li-i-i-ist.

    [re=311119]Czn939[/re]: You’re Amish.



  73. What a putz this guy is! My grandfather was a graduate of Cornell, and I’m sure he’s laughing his ass off in heaven right this minute. He was an engineer. Who liked good food. And hairy wimmens.

  74. You know, it reminds me of Limbaugh’s joke about the White House Dog (Chelsea Clinton, then 13), and his statement, after a couple of days, that they’d intended a different joke and that one just got substituted at the last minute, but he never did say what the original punch line was, probably because he was just cold lying his ass off.
    So, if this guy Jakobsen was writing this as satire, what exactly is he satiring? The fact that the media didn’t actually mention the brand of mustard? Is that all you’ve got?
    Come on. The guys skinnier than Keira Knightley, he’s got funny ears, he may or may not smoke cigarettes, he’s got a hell of a funny name that you haven’t even begun to make fun of properly (Nobama, Zobama, how lame is that?) and he can’t bowl for shit.
    If you’re going to mock our Barry, your mocking skills need work. That is to say, U R DOING IT RONG!

  75. [re=310904]prototype[/re]: “Yucatan Sunshine Habanero sauce? Is that fascist?”

    I hope not. It’s one my shelf. Whatever, I’m going to print that one out and not tell anyone it’s From Bush. Sounds like damned tasty deviled–Wait a minute! Is this trap? A Republicthug would never eat anything named after the Dark One.

    Whatever. I’m still going to print it out. Yum.

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