what a career

Alan Keyes Excited About Being Arrested, At Notre Dame

Father to a lesbian Hell Demon and former “Maryland diplomat” Alan Keyes, the self-proclaimed “abortion of politics,” well he’s going to Notre Dame, is what he’s doing, to protest Barack Obama’s upcoming commencement speech alongside the bloody baby carriages and Abortion Planes. Remember that not five years ago, Alan Keyes was Barack Obama’s general election opponent for the United States Senate. Now Obama is president, and Keyes is the obnoxious slob who stands near the back of the auditorium at Obama’s speeches shouting arbitrary, violent Bible verses for a few seconds before getting arrested. And Keyes is really looking forward to getting arrested at Notre Dame and spending the rest of his life in an Indiana county prison.

You must read this entire letter (.pdf) that Alan Keyes wrote, for the violence. It is like the opening D-Day scene in Saving Private Ryan, except all of the soldiers are fetuses.

These words must ring in the ears of faithful Christians as they consider the grim reality of abortion. Every time abortionists rip a child limb from limb within the womb; every time they crush the fragile head; every time they scorch the life from its body with a death dealing solution; every time they scrape its nascent cells of life from the walls of a womb- Jesus is savagely beaten again; his skull pressed down with thorns; his limbs pulled savagely in their sockets; his hands and feet pierced through with nails; his breath drawn with fiery pain; his life finally extinguished; every time.

Yeah, we “get” the psychological tactic here, Pavlovian or associative conditioning or whatever. Something about Jesus. Oh god we’re so scared of abortion now! Before this we thought that the aborted fetus looked like a rainbow-striped bunny made of ice cream. (It kind of does!)

BAT-SHIT:

I will go to South Bend. I will step foot on the Notre Dame campus to lift up the standard that protects the life of the innocent children of this and every generation. I will do it all day and every day from now until the Master comes if need be, though it mean I shall be housed everyday in the prison house of lies and injustice that Obama, Jenkins and their minions now mean to construct for those who will never be still and silent in the face of their mockery of God and justice, their celebration of evil. If this be trespass, then forgive us our trespasses and join us in trespassing until the South Bend jail is filled to overflowing with witnesses to truth; filled beyond capacity; filled until we break the most onerous shackles of all- the ones that bind the heart and mind to evil and our nation to the path of its destruction.

So Alan Keyes says he will go to a small town in Indiana and stay there, in jail? Works for him, works for us.

Alan Keyes to Be Arrested at Notre Dame [Brody File]
Keyes’ Letter (.pdf)

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell
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225 comments

  1. bfstevie

    How come they didn’t get Alan Keyes to star in that “under the bus” video?

  2. Texan Bulldoggette

    Wow, all this abortion talky talk next to that ad about the meat farm expose … coincidence?

  3. V572625694

    O, if only the outcome of that 2004 election had been reversed! Barack Obama would be an Illinois state senator, beholden to Rod Blagojevitch for patronage and power, and President Keyes would be dealing with bank runs, GM bankruptcy, two wars, and have only Snowbilly to help her.

    Well, it wasn’t even close, but still….

  4. ronaldpagan

    Everything just fell into place with that first paragraph. We know these people get off on Jesus’ torture and crucifixion. Looks like those dead fetus photos they love holding up are porn to them too.

  5. jbd

    NOOOOOO!!!!!

    Don’t do it! Alan, you need to run for national office again. You’re the second most entertaining part of the political process (after Ron Paul). Maybe you could run for his seat? Please?

  6. V572625694

    [re=310134]V572625694[/re]: that’s “help him,” Gramatically 1mpaired 0ne.

  7. Min

    I will go to South Bend.

    Just doesn’t have the same ring as “I shall go to Korea”, does it?

  8. NoWireHangers

    Alan Keyes has to blaze a trail of crazy as an example to his fallen brothers. He is, afterall, the oldest living aborted fetus.

  9. AnnieGetYourFun

    “What are you doing this weekend, Annie?”

    “Oh, I’m actually having an abortion.”

    “A what?”

    “Oh, sorry. I’m going to scrape some nascent cells of life from the walls of my womb- well, I’m going to pay someone else to do it.”

    “Oh, cool. Have fun!”

  10. Min

    If this be trespass, then forgive us our trespasses and join us in trespassing until the South Bend jail is filled to overflowing with witnesses to truth; filled beyond capacity; filled until we break the most onerous shackles of all- the ones that bind the heart and mind to evil and our nation to the path of its destruction.

    Or you could just hand out condoms.

  11. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    Michael Steele? Are you paying attention? This is how a black man should act if he wants power in the Republican Party.

  12. Josh Fruhlinger

    I’m sorry, no statement Alan Keyes ever makes will be as hilarious as “the man you call President Obama” from the video Wonkette posted awhile back.

  13. magic titty

    [re=310130]Squiggyfm[/re]: Win.

    [re=310151]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: Win, as well.

  14. Mr Blifil

    Looks like Notre Dame is fixin’ to become the fundie bizarro Kent State. Except in this scenario the victims shoot themselves.

  15. MzNicky

    “Keyes is really looking forward to getting arrested at Notre Dame and spending the rest of his life in an Indiana county prison.”

    ~~~~~~

    He couldn’t be looking forward to it any more than I am.

  16. ph7

    Alan’s rantings would make more sense if recited while pointing a gun in a diner with Jon Travolta standing nearby.

  17. pat robertsons personal trainer

    Don’t he and Cheney have to be at the PFLAG convention that weekend? Oh right, those guys are complete, unmitigated scum-crusted assholes (and great men of character). if only such noble devout persons of moral fiber ran for office in this country and gave me the opportunity to give them the ability to make choices that affect my life and the lives of my friends and family. oh wait, fuck these guys, the horses they rode in on, and their parents for using the same rubbers as Levi.

  18. A Better American Than YOU

    God, I thought it said “tar baby carriages”.

    My brain apologizes to itself. Our little Alabama town has been blitzkrieged by Nazi/Aryans because a city councilman pulled up some Chinese-made Confederate flags. Bash Alabamians if you will, but those weird-ass Yankee bigots are a lot nastier than the Talledega crowd. Alan Keyes has some major company in the oxymoron department.

  19. Judas Peckerwood

    “I will do it all day and every day from now until the Master comes if need be…”

    I’m afraid to even ask.

  20. magic titty

    If Alan Keyes and Michele Bachmann had a child together . . . would the Earth die?

  21. Blender

    Please, Lord, let Alan Keyes feel the glorious sting of thy taser, and I will go forth and abort no more. Amen.

  22. cranky

    [re=310171]magic titty[/re]: alan is just the man to shake the cobwebs from michelle’s baby bag.

  23. Holding Out for a Hero

    Preach on Brother Alan, preach on… The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the iniquities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men.

    Also

  24. onenotesam

    I had no idea that Barack Obama performed abortions before he was elected President. I do not approve of that, so I am going to boycott any fried chicken restaurants in Brooklyn that bear his name. Also, not buying any of those Sasha or Malia dolls for my kids (which I will have, because they will not have been aborted).

  25. IceCreamEmpress

    Alan Keyes is the greatest walking argument for retroactive abortion ever invented.

  26. dijetlo

    At this rate Rush will probably throw him out of the party before he gets to South Bend.

  27. JoeSmithHomo

    Holy fucking shit fuck! South Bend will not be big enough. We might have to stuff some in that exotic tropical camp Geronimo or whatever.

  28. x111e7thst

    Could someone please crush ol’Alan’s fragile head or rip him limb from limb ? I would pay to see the .wav. Or dvd. Video even.

  29. SomeNYGuy

    “I will do it all day and every day from now until the Master comes if need be…”

    Master’s in the cold, cold ground.

  30. smartypants

    [re=310160]ph7[/re]: I’d say ‘Heh’ but the Pac tards stole it from me. So..Ha.

  31. NunnaTheSOBs

    In the 1960s opportunists like Jesse Jackson figured out a way to incite the black mob, and simultaneously present themselves to mainstream liberals as the ALTERNATIVE to the black mob.

    There are equivalent characters on the right: Michael Steele and this twit. There are millions of black “social conservativeS” (anybody who has ever been to a black church in the Bible Belt knows THAT), but relatively few blacks who are willing to provide cover for white politicians whose contempt for EVERYONE who isn’t just like themselves is utterly transparent.

    A black man or woman who is willing to play THAT role on the right will always be employed in some capacity by those who need that cover.

    Jesse Jackson’s hustle, THANK GOD, has run out of gullible liberals. If the righties who think they need clowns like this to provide cover, knew how utterly INEFFECTIVE this clown is in the role, they would take their resources and direct them to more cost effective uses.

    An open and honest statement of why they feel it is wrong to confiscate money that an entrepreneur earned, often by sacrificing health and family life, and giving it to someone else, ought not to have a color component to it. The evil of providing slots in prestigious universities to middle class blacks, who avoid the ghettos as deliberately as any white kid on the same campus, ought to be self evident. Indeed, this asshole benefits from the most pernicious form of AA —- a white who acts as idiotically as he and Michael Steele would long since have been SHUNNED by any intelligent conservative.

  32. american mutt

    i likes how unborn babies offend people who aren’t offended by dead babies, women, and men in war. i think that’s super cute.

  33. smartypants

    [re=310209]NunnaTheSOBs[/re]: Dude, read the last sentence of your post and REAAALLLLY think about it for a minute.

    “a white who acts as idiotically….long since shunned….”

    Uh, no. See McCain/Palin 2008

    Just sayin’.

  34. NunnaTheSOBs

    [re=310214]smartypants[/re]: Read the entire statement :

    “…. would long since have been SHUNNED by any INTELLIGENT conservatives …”

    which is what Bill Buckley’s son and a number of
    INTELLIGENT conservaitves DID with McCain and Palin — including
    Barry Goldwater’s daughter right in McCain’s “home” state.

  35. shortsshortsshorts

    [re=310209]NunnaTheSOBs[/re]: I ONCE FUCKED A CHICK IN A BATHROOM.

    WANNA CYBER?

  36. smartypants

    [re=310216]V572625694[/re]: sipping, sipping….

    [re=310218]NunnaTheSOBs[/re]: yeah, I read the whole thing. I do that. But you had to go and put ‘any’ next to ‘INTELLIGENT’ and that’s not the way I remember it. Maybe ‘some’ or ‘most’. Maybe.

  37. V572625694

    [re=310209]NunnaTheSOBs[/re]: “An open and honest statement of why they feel it is wrong to confiscate money that an entrepreneur earned, often by sacrificing health and family life, and giving it to someone else, ought not to have a color component to it.”

    How about an “entepreneur” like Cindy McCain, who inherited a lucrative, constitutionally protected franchise to make money off every can of beer that gets sold in her part of Arizona. Is taxing her wealth a “confiscation”? Everybody has to pay taxes. Some have to pay more than others. They always have, and they always will. But for your information, [re=310209]NunnaTheSOBs[/re], Cindy pays the same tax rate as the lowest paid worker in her beer warehouse, about 15 percent. Is that how it should be?

    [re=310214]smartypants[/re]: Sorry, smarty. I got off topic. I’m just sick of these nonsensical, demagogic assertions that taxes are inherently evil.

  38. NunnaTheSOBs

    [re=310222]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: Sorry dude, that photo is of my goddess, Serena. I am strictly hetero. Try a wet sock — it works wonders.

  39. V572625694

    [re=310222]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: Don’t bring that stuff in here. There’s people in here. Ew.

  40. shortsshortsshorts

    [re=310229]NunnaTheSOBs[/re]: Women get too much preference at colleges. If women would just stop getting all of this preferential treatment and pull themselves up by their boot straps, everything would be fine.

    Same with the gayz. And the disabled. Also.

  41. NunnaTheSOBs

    [re=310228]V572625694[/re]: I said nothing about INHERITED wealth, and I didn’t say that I agreed with the conserative position — I said they should be able to present a case for it.

    I spoke about ENTREPRENEURS —- I said nothing about INHERITED wealth. But since you made your assumptions, let me address it. I believe in a PROGRESSIVE tax rate — but if a conservative sincerely believes that a progrssive tax rate is wrong, he or she should be able to make an honest and heartfelt case for it —- I don’t think any fucking body has ALL THE ANSWERS.

  42. Jukesgrrl

    [re=310200]LittlePig[/re]: Isn’t Lesbian Hell Demon the person who made the burgers Obama and Biden ate yesterday?

  43. Fivetree

    If Alan Keyes is “The Abortion” where can we find a REALLY big wire hanger?

  44. imissopus

    “…from now until the Master comes if need be”

    Dude, it’s spelled Massa. Geez, no wonder you keep losing elections.

  45. cranky

    [re=310236]NunnaTheSOBs[/re]: sorry, could you repeat that? i can’t read things that are typed lower case, so if you could use ALL CAPS that would be better.

    thanks!

  46. DC Hates Me

    Yes Alan, the crucifixion of Christ was just a publicity stunt.

    Now, if he was really serious about teh fetals, he’d up the ante with some actual bleeding and dying instead of sweating and blabbing.

  47. Alpha O. Mega

    If Jebus really cared about the fetuses, he would have given them the strength to fight back.

  48. smartypants

    [re=310228]V572625694[/re]: Taxes are universally despised, as are lawyers–until you need one, that is. That my new friend was the fatal flaw in Ayn Rand’s manifesto(s)..one that even a horny 16 year old could recognize. Perfectly self-reliant humans exist in comic books (and Ayn Rand novels)…but out here? Earth? Not so much.

    It’s HARD to be social, and interact, and care….it’s easy to be a misanthrope and just write a check (begrudgingly, and only if your accountant makes it sexy)….

    Oh god and lego jeebus…I have allowed the military vodka to block that synapse again. Sorry!

  49. DustBowlBlues

    Just let me take a moment to make this clear: Alan Keyes isn’t from Oklahoma. I know it’s not much, but these days Okies have to cling what little pride the legetards have left us.

    Repeat: Not. One. Of. Ours.

  50. SomeNYGuy

    [re=310247]DC Hates Me[/re]: “Yes Alan, the crucifixion of Christ was just a publicity stunt.”

    Virginia Foxx said it was a hoax.

  51. V572625694

    [re=310227]smartypants[/re]: I don’t want to play with this troll all night, particularly not after [re=310232]shortsshortsshorts[/re] has revealed his true interests. What are you wearing?

  52. bago

    [re=310215]Litlebritdifrnt[/re]: Wait, Cookies and Javascript are now considered “hacking”? Daaamn.

  53. DustBowlBlues

    [re=310236]NunnaTheSOBs[/re]: In the words of the cleaning robot in WALL-E, “Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.” This conversation is getting way too far over my head. I can’t keep up! I’m from Oklahoma, remember?

    Now I’m going to go sort more jelly beans and dump the blue ones in the candy dish for my granddaughter. She’s too little to know that they taste like shit.

  54. DustBowlBlues

    [re=310248]Alpha O. Mega[/re]: :You gave me the laugh out loud moment of this thread. Thanks.

  55. gjdodger

    I will do it all day and every day from now until the Master comes
    He’s baiting the Master to come. It’s Master Bait!

  56. smartypants

    [re=310261]V572625694[/re]: Hat’s too small….but smells right..

    Okay, quid pro quo….

    Teh sexin tax talk, please…

  57. Min

    [re=310250]smartypants[/re]: Yup. You know, there are actually only two kinds of lawyers in the world…that stalwart champion of truth and justice who is representing me, and that morally bankrupt son of a bitch who is representing my opponent.

  58. NunnaTheSOBs

    [re=310263]DustBowlBlues[/re]: Actually, I’m NOT a conservtive. I’ve NEVER voted GOP in my life. I had hoped in the 90′s that the Libertarians would actually become viable —- then they became less and less relevant.

    I went to college with a guy who graduated, bought two dump trucks, and he and his brother worked 16 hour days to build a business (hauling grease from restaurants) that made them rich.
    I spent many 16 hour days writing code, during the same period, as a programing consultant.

    I, nor anybody else, has a MORAL claim on what those guys built by giving up their youth — to compare their wealth, with Cindy McCain, who hit the DNA JACKPOT (there’s your caps “smarty”), is totally bogus.

    I have no great love for “the people” — got to know them “up close and personal” in my “save the world phase”. If THAT (more caps “smarty”) is “conservative” then so be it.

  59. smartypants

    [re=310271]Min[/re]: I will quote you and give myself the credit–that’s how much I like it and that’s how I roll.

  60. rocktonsammy

    Did anybody bother asking him what time in 40 was or if he could even catch a screen pass?

  61. Min

    [re=310274]smartypants[/re]: S’okay. I cadged it from one of my law profs, lo, those many years ago.

  62. smartypants

    [re=310273]NunnaTheSOBs[/re]: I have been unjustly accused of CAP-calling. Who will pay for my lawyer? Oh well…guess it’s natural selection again. Damn it!

  63. DustBowlBlues

    [re=310273]NunnaTheSOBs[/re]: How the fuck did I get in the middle of this? All of a sudden a shitstorm breaks over my internets.

    Repubtard, libtard, Paultard. Who gives a shit? This is wonkette. Just be funny or die trying.

    Now I’m going to go back to sorting jelly beans.

  64. NunnaTheSOBs

    [re=310279]smartypants[/re]: sorry — you are not the guilty party. i hope that mine wasn’t a CAPital offense.

  65. NunnaTheSOBs

    [re=310280]DustBowlBlues[/re]: Ligthten up! Extract the purple ones and send them to me in Philly.

  66. grevillea

    I’m so confused… Saw the Passion of the Christ and thoroughly enjoyed the horrible, redemptive, theologically-necessary gore-porn, Done For Us to stop us having the abortions. But what could be more sinless than an unborn fetus? What if all these Jesus-fetuses are sacrificing themselves for us? Then wouldn’t we be tools of Satan if we refused to scrape ‘n’ vac them out? I need to ask Mel, if he hasn’t turned Orthodox yet.

  67. V572625694

    [re=310268]smartypants[/re]: Ever since she’d been a cheerleader at USC, Cindy had always known she had the things men wanted: long legs, a good face, blond hair, and an inherited fortune. After divorcing her first husband she found herself visiting her accountant perhaps more than she needed to, probably because he was tall, muscular, a surfer, with winning blue eyes and an office in San Diego, not far from her condos on Coronado Island

    So when Cindy would go to visit Chip, she always took care to dress in a special way: sexy but not tarty, she liked to think of it. Heels, no hose, a short skirt and tight blouse unbuttoned just enough to show the cleavage between her newly-sculpted breasts

    ….is this what you had in mind, smarty? Seems full of possibilities, doesn’t it?

  68. x111e7thst

    [re=310273]NunnaTheSOBs[/re]: If they don’t want to pay taxes they can move to Somalia where there are none. Also none of the stuff that we buy with taxes. Roads, schools, cops, courts that enforce contracts so that one can make money on stuff that is not piracy etc.

  69. lulzmonger

    Pffft, obviously he’s just another lazy bastard bucking for free room-&-board. Pepper-spray his ass & give him something to REALLY cry about, then set him free.

    Alan Keyes, the GOP’s version of Howie Mandel. I only recently heard his “unique” version of reality on YouTube … sounds real smart, as long as you don’t actually listen to the content of all those big words – or watch him say them. 9/10 on the Squick-o-meter.

  70. AnnieGetYourFun

    [re=310289]x111e7thst[/re]: Oh, c’mon. We let the gun nut say his bit – this one’s not as troll-y as the others. Let’s see how it plays out. At least he can spell.

  71. assistant/atlas

    [re=310232]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: But the gheyz don’t wear bootstraps…well, lesbians, maybe…and the disabled don’t even have feet or something! Bootstraps are a tool of the Patriarchy!

    [re=310246]NunnaTheSOBs[/re]: That is adorably juvenile.

  72. smartypants

    [re=310282]NunnaTheSOBs[/re]: You seem earnest. You are in the wrong place, I can tell ya that.

    There is nothing here but extreme snark and debauchery. We’re all busy being earnest and brilliant at our actual jobs. We need a break so we come here. Just my take, but I think I’m right (well of course I do).

    Good luck worshipping the dead Buckleys. Charming, really.

  73. NunnaTheSOBs

    [re=310289]x111e7thst[/re]: which is why I believe in a progressive tax rate. the problem with the conservatives is that the people making their case is usally somebody like Steve Forbes — another winner of the DNA lottery of “inherited wealth”.

  74. DustBowlBlues

    [re=310283]NunnaTheSOBs[/re]: These are the tropical variety with no purple and no lime green ones, sadly. Still can’t figure out what the hell the blue is supposed to be.

  75. smartypants

    [re=310285]V572625694[/re]: Are you reading directly from the transcript or paraphrasing…

    either way..

    Me Likee!!!

  76. V572625694

    [re=310302]smartypants[/re]: I just make this stuff up. Think of the fun we’ll have. Hang on a bit…just watered the plants, and have to drive over to the Italian princess’ house.

  77. x111e7thst

    [re=310293]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: I’m cranky on the subject. Have been in places where they have no taxes. Ruwanda and Iraq inter alia. These are not pretty places.

  78. NunnaTheSOBs

    [re=310304]DustBowlBlues[/re]: I just have a problem with making claims on anything that belongs to somebody else — that smirk on Steve Forbes face could almost make you a socialist. But to be envious of some lucky shit (or shitess in Cindy’s case) because their old man was cunning and clever enough to “win” in the economic game — just doesn’t work for me.

    I might as well be envious of the shit who lives next door to me with a wife who really won the DNA lottery — he has her, I don’t. Bless him. I feel the same way about money.

    And oakie, I’m from across the Red River in TX.

  79. doloras

    [re=310253]SomeNYGuy[/re]: The Qur’an says clearly that Jesus was not in fact crucified, it just looked like it. FWIW.

  80. AnnieGetYourFun

    [re=310307]x111e7thst[/re]: Agreed – there really isn’t a functioning government that doesn’t tax, and there isn’t a place on Earth without a functioning government that isn’t a total hellhole. I’m with you there, I am; I just think that this one is smarter than the average troll. Let’s see if he gets on-board with trucknutz?

  81. smartypants

    [re=310305]V572625694[/re]: but, but..I’m about to be dragged off to re-education camp (see earlier post on earlier thread)….oh noes!

    I NEED sexy but not tarty talk!1l111l!

    Hurry back. With details (Italian princess? I swoon..).

  82. x111e7thst

    [re=310312]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: There is the shithole kingdom of saudi arabia
    المملكة العربية السعودية

    but they too should eat a bag of dick and die.
    Another subject that makes me snarl.

    Anyway – I shall leave him alone now

  83. V572625694

    [re=310313]smartypants[/re]: Do what you must. I’m at the villa, the Princess is out walking with Miss Mexico, and I’ve poured myself a glass of shitty Merlot called “Tin Roof Cellars,” imagining how Chip will explain the major thrusts of FASB 41 to Cindy.

  84. smartypants

    [re=310309]NunnaTheSOBs[/re]: Okay.

    Listen to what. you. just. said.

    “I have a problem with making claims on anything that belongs to someone else” or something to that effect. close enough.

    Ever get a tax refund? Tax break? Student loan? Ever go to a free concert in a public park? Ride a school bus? Do you have a library card, by any chance?

    I could go on, but I’m just too tired. Please go back to your planet.

  85. AnnieGetYourFun

    [re=310316]x111e7thst[/re]: Don’t get me started on the Saudis! My boyfriend’s family, all Muslims, just about convulse with anger over the way the Saudi government allows psychotic Muslims to do whatever they want with the women of their country (and the ones they import).

    A bag of dicks is far, far too classy.

  86. NunnaTheSOBs

    [re=310319]smartypants[/re]: You can have your blog — obviously, you and THIS guy will have fun sharing thoughts of equal eloquence.

    =====> “richardwb1″

    That’s what I LOVE about liberals — they are so FUCKING OPEN MINDED. There is a world of difference between a progressive tax rate, and one so high that it confiscates all that a
    person has, one that kills all initiative — and as I’ve stated, I am FOR a progrssive tax.
    On MYSELF as well as others. But don’t kill the Steve Jobs of this world.

    The beautiful thing about that lardass Limbaugh, is that he doesn’t PRETEND to be open minded.

  87. x111e7thst

    [re=310320]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: I drink. Sometimes I drink and take drugs. It helps a little.

  88. x111e7thst

    [re=310323]NunnaTheSOBs[/re]: How would you set the rates. Serious question.

  89. V572625694

    [re=310322]smartypants[/re]: As Cindy drove her Lincoln convertible over the Coronado bridge, she looked down at the Navy ships at 32nd Street Naval Station shipyard, and remembered the time she’d met a sailor at the Officers’ Club. He was a bigshot, a colonel or captain or something, and even though he was kind of short, she thought he was cute. They said he’d been a POW in Vietnam. What was his name again?

    No matter…she wanted to see Chip today, and even felt a little tingle between her legs when she thought about him. She was glad there wasn’t any traffic, and found a parking place near the door to his office building.

    [Sweet bleeding Jeebus on a license plate! How do porn writers crank out this exposition/filler?]

    Chip was a “single-shingle” CPA — no secretary and no helpers, except at tax time. She walked in and said, “Hello?” and he came out of a back office, wearing a tee shirt and jeans. His hair was still toussled.

    “Sorry about this,” he said, indicating his flat abs and tight jeans, “The water was too good today, and I had to get out on it.”

    “It’s fine,” Cindy said.

    “Let’s go in the back. I’ve got your returns ready for you to sign.” He gestured towards the door to his office, and followed her in. Papers were piled everywhere and a moved a stack off a chair so she could sit. He sat on the desk with his legs spread, and the bulge in his jeans was evident; Cindy could tell he didn’t care if she saw it. Now she crossed her legs and let her skirt ride up a bit. “Here’s your 1040 with all the schedules.” He handed her a sheaf of papers bound with a two-hole clip and heavy blue papers on the front and back. “Let me show you…” he leaned forward, and she could smell his hair conditioner.

  90. shortsshortsshorts

    [re=310323]NunnaTheSOBs[/re]: ONCE I went to a BAKERY and ate some CAKE. It was ALRIGHT, but then I went to the ZOO and that was HELLA cool. IT is LIKE when I go TO a MUSEUM. Therefore it MAKES me happy. Do you LIKE to go to MUSEUMS? Is that AN enjoyable THING?

    Why pretend to be open minded? I hate you people. That’s about all. If you all just gathered don’taround and munched on some sweet dick in hell, that is FINE with ME and STUFF.

    There is nothing practical about you morons. It is like you enjoy getting punched in the face over and over. I don’t get it.

    You’ve been given years of bullshit time to test your ideas, yet nope. Never ever ever do they work. In fact, you fuckers ruled the land for so long that even DIRTY SOCIALISTS like Bill Clinton or even “Muslim Prince” Obama (where is that BIRF CERTIFICATE) can even try to change the course at this time.

    If you think for one fucking NY minute that we aren’t a country that generally abides by your train of thought, you are swine. This is the way it is, kiddo. Stop fucking speaking here, because nobody is going to agree with you. If you want to hold onto your damn money, stop wasting it on bandwidth.

    One more thing— TEXAS SUCKS. Sorry to say.

  91. smartypants

    [re=310329]V572625694[/re]: Damn you! You got me with the ‘two-hole clip’…you’re going to get me deported!

  92. answerbird

    It’s funny; I have never seen Alan Keyes and Pastor Muthee in the same spot at the same time. Maybe they just need to do an exorcism on Obama; he seems so nice for an abortionist.

  93. smartypants

    [re=310331]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: Shorts, shorts…it’s okay. We ATED him/her.

    Read teh sexin tax porn that V#s is posting…it’s haught!

  94. NunnaTheSOBs

    [re=310327]x111e7thst[/re]: If you are serious, then this is my reply. I would put an escalating scale on cpaital gains and other income generated from investments. There is no reason to treat the $150k that a 58 year old woman has in stock for her retirement the same way the government treats the $1 billion that Oprah presumably has invested.

    I would treat business startups differently than Cindy McCains breweries. The tax rates would slide to give entreprenuers an advantage over her (and the banksters).

    One thing that Steve Forbes constantly touted which I would steal, I would minimize loopholes. I would continue to give the average American the mortgage tax break.

    I would, and here is where having the rich fucks is advantageous — if Cindy McCain were willing to buy up foreclosed houses at the (fallen) market rate, I would give her a tax break to do it!!!!!

    But no tax break for the 11, or 12, or whatever number of houses she had.

  95. Bearbloke

    [re=310329]V572625694[/re]: FAP FAP FAP – ugh! I hate myself – FAP FAP FAP FAP…..

  96. NunnaTheSOBs

    [re=310331]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: How eloquent.[re=310336]MzNicky[/re]: apparently you never made any typos — how petty and silly a comment.

  97. MortSinclair

    okay, who let that NunnaTheSOBs in? Isn’t someone on the door? Christ, I come over her to get the news that fit to print and the snarkiest commentary around and I find you. You’re like a homeless guy who wandered into the wrong garage party and mistakes getting a little roughed up for being welcome. Daily Kos is thataway.

  98. MzNicky

    [re=310338]NunnaTheSOBs[/re]: Dude, just really, stop, okay? Do you know where you are? Go back to LibertarianLand. Illegal aliens are not welcome here, I think.

  99. smartypants

    You know, it’s like Bush said–the French don’t have a word for ‘entreprenuers’.

  100. x111e7thst

    [re=310338]NunnaTheSOBs[/re]: How does this scale slide though? For me that is an important question. Is it from 15% to 30%, or from 15% to 90%.

  101. MzNicky

    [re=310341]NunnaTheSOBs[/re]: Yeah, okay, calling people on their “typos” (read: can’t spell) is lame. I apologize.

    You’re still kinda fucktarded.

  102. NunnaTheSOBs

    Bye bye assholes — now I know what happened to all
    those phonies in college, those “lovers of humanity”.

    You are like the sweat around Limbaugh’s, fat red,
    smelly balls.

    God, I hate you fucking fake ass frauds — now go volunteer
    at a soup kitchen, you lousy, phony fucks.

    Wonkette has sucked anyway, since Ana Marie Cox left — fucking frauds.

  103. shortsshortsshorts

    [re=310341]NunnaTheSOBs[/re]: Eloquent is teabagging. You sir don’t know the first part about eloquence.

  104. tsunami

    uh…not that i don’t care about nunna, but i don’t.

    alan keys is a dipshit, but his music is pretty good. i’m surprised he’s so old.

    he is the black keys, right?

  105. MzNicky

    [re=310348]NunnaTheSOBs[/re]:
    “now go volunteer at a soup kitchen, you lousy, phony fucks.”

    Hey, I WILL, mister! Well, not until Saturday. That’s when I usually go.

  106. cranky

    [re=310348]NunnaTheSOBs[/re]: the next time you go to a party hoping to meet people, don’t start by screaming at them.

    GOOD LUCK!

  107. tsunami

    [re=310348]NunnaTheSOBs[/re]:

    uh, just a suggestion, but it’s kinda embarassing to be familiar
    enough with limbaugh’s balls to be able to describe them using three
    adjectives. isn’t it?

    [re=310352]smartypants[/re]: Mom??

    that one gets me every time.

  108. glamourdammerung

    [re=310323]NunnaTheSOBs[/re]: What is it with retards like you bitching and whining and insulting people, then pulling the old “where is that liberal tolerance” bullshit?

  109. imissopus

    Aw, I missed a troll party? I had my hip waders all set to go and everything!

    Is there going to be a plague of Forbestards on here now? Ah, how I miss that strident Forbestard Ana Marie Cox.

    That last post sounds like you guys might have driven him to an aneurysm. So, bravo!

  110. smartypants

    Yay, yeah that was a fun aside…but what about teh sexin tax porn?

    And now I have to go to bed with cold shower, damn you, V########!!!

  111. Custerwolf

    Oh and by the way, I just saw some guy running out of here crying about missing cox and fat red smelly balls – honestly I think he’s was on crack.

  112. Custerwolf

    [re=310375]Custerwolf[/re]: Not to mention he bumped my arm, making me misspell a word. Jeez, what a fucker that guy was. Anyone get hurt?

  113. hobospacejunkie

    [re=310338]NunnaTheSOBs[/re]: Interesting that in your tax proposal you do not mention income tax. Those who have benefited most from our free market society should pay a bit more, because unlike the mythical place where anyone who works hard & plays fair can become rich, in real life there is only so much room at the top of the pyramid. Those who cannot reach the top through no fault of their own deserve a break. A country as wealthy as ours should be embarrassed and ashamed to have even one homeless person, or even one child going to bed hungry. Yet the right tends to blame these people for their own predicament. Because it’s easier than caring.

    And parasites like hedge fundies should not be given any tax break. They create nothing of value, they just skim off the top after moving shells around. Capital gains taxes should decrease the longer you hold on to the investment.

    This is not funny or snarky. I hereby virtually shoot myself in the head in repentance. However, since it’s the virtual world, I shall rise from the dead, just like Lego Jesus.

  114. hobospacejunkie

    I think Nunna went off the rails right about here…

    An open and honest statement of why they feel it is wrong to confiscate money that an entrepreneur earned, often by sacrificing health and family life, and giving it to someone else, ought not to have a color component to it. The evil of providing slots in prestigious universities to middle class blacks, who avoid the ghettos as deliberately as any white kid on the same campus, ought to be self evident. Indeed, this asshole benefits from the most pernicious form of AA —- a white who acts as idiotically as he and Michael Steele would long since have been SHUNNED by any intelligent conservative.

  115. imissopus

    [re=310378]hobospacejunkie[/re]: You poor poor empathetic “lover of humanity.”

    hobospacejunkie for SCOTUS!

  116. cranky

    [re=310378]hobospacejunkie[/re]: why are you making capitalism seem like some kind of pyramid scheme?

  117. AKAM80TheWolf

    [re=310309]NunnaTheSOBs[/re]:

    Your stuff works in theory not in reality. You can live in your fantasy land all you want. In fact, I was there the other day–I saw a pick-up truck with your standard large red TruckNutz, but as I was overtaking him, I glanced over and saw a smaller pair of blue TruckNutz behind the red. It changed my life, or at least the rest of my day.

  118. sati demise

    [re=310378]hobospacejunkie[/re]: well done. teh SOB mentioned many many things Barry is already doing, like tax breaks for new business and businesses that invest here, minimizing and closing tax loopholes.

    What SOB fails to understand is that the rich have changed for the worse in modern USAmerica.
    When their motto is ‘greed is good’ instead of ‘with great wealth comes great responsibility’.
    then you have to force those fuc*ers to do their civic duty to their country.

    SOB does not realize that not touching capital gains with tax is the core value of the Forbestard or the Buckleyneer.
    They would burn at the stake anyone who spoke that kind of crazy talk.

  119. Custerwolf

    [re=310246]NunnaTheSOBs[/re]: You sir, have overtaxed my ability to remain sober.

  120. Tron Stuart Mill

    [re=310380]hobospacejunkie[/re]: For me it was the moment when he started talking about the “black mob,” and then said that if Keyes were white, conservatives would not support him because he is too stupid/crazy but they cannot help themselves because all Republicans love black people so much.

  121. BruceM

    I find it so sad to see black people who just cannot shake their former slavemasters’ religion. They’re just so addicted to the white god their ancestors were forced to learn about and believe in (because jesus said slaves should obey their masters, and because “saving” the souls of slaves made the white slavemasters feel better about their actions vis a vis slavery). But it’s still quite pathetic to see.

  122. Tron Stuart Mill

    [re=310394]Tron Stuart Mill[/re]: oh, I see it was the same moment. What?

  123. V572625694

    [re=310372]smartypants[/re]: We’ll talk tomorrow. I had to have dinner w/the Italian Princess and her beautiful 5’10″ daughter. Pizza for all!

    [re=310376]Custerwolf[/re]: You free tonight?

  124. El Pinche

    [re=310348]NunnaTheSOBs[/re]: :( you embarrassed yourself …on an Alan keyes post of all places.

  125. NunnaTheSOBs

    good to see the self serving, self congradulations.

    did it EVER occur to ANY of you BRILLIANT fucks,
    that i never believed a damn word of it?

    did the POSSIBILITY that SARCASM was the whole
    INTENT (caps again geniuses), enter your minds?

    do you ever use “spell check” in WORD, in your
    emails? was the self serving condescension (sp????)
    as satisfying as it seemed?

    i love the way a bunch of GENIUSES sit at a fucking
    computer “ripping a retard” limb from limb, when
    the whole intent of the “retard”, was just to show
    anybody who didn’t “get it” — liberals ARE
    phony, self absorbed asses.

    now I CAN GO, knowing that what i suspected about you
    silly shits was true all along.

    if i’m such a “loser”, why all the self congradulation ?

    did you win a debate at the Oxford Union? you “bested”
    the loser, and all you geniuses will be back staring
    at a fucking computer screen tomorrow.

    who’s the fucking loser?

    and oh yeah, you ARE a bunch of assholes — i truly
    enjoyed the confirmation of what you REALLY feel
    about black people.

    and you do win … i won’t be back. and as for my knowledge
    of Limbauh’s balls, it was a WAG — wild ass guess.
    goodness what a joke.

  126. NunnaTheSOBs

    [re=310408]El Pinche[/re]: one more thing, the ONLY thing that I am embarrassed about is ever having believed that people like this ever had any real compassion.

    at least the hate and venom from the right comes with no false notion of compassion.

    “bested the retard” —- is that what they think of the mentally diabled?

    man fuck you —- i got the confirmation that I WANTED — and as for you.

    STFU (accept the advice you so gladly give).

  127. Custerwolf

    [re=310409]NunnaTheSOBs[/re]: Jesus christ, buddy! Sorry guys – he pushed his way right passed me, I couldn’t stop him. Fucker was in such a hurry he spilled his drink all over me. Well, let me slip out of these wet things and I’ll be right back.

  128. shortsshortsshorts

    [re=310409]NunnaTheSOBs[/re]: ME HATE THE JEWS.

    ALSO JAMES DOBSON

    WHY ARE THINGS CIRCULAR RIGHT NOW?

    WHERE IS JESUS WHEN YOU NEED HIM?

    WHO IS FREE TO CHOOSE?

    WHO GIVES ORDERS?

    WHO DIES FIRST?

    WHO LAUGHS LAST?

    WHERE’S THE CENTER?

    SAVE ME FROM THESE INEQUITIES.

    YOU ARE SMARTS.

    IT WAS THE DEMOCRATS.

    SAVE US.

    Temporary contemporary.

    Again, eat a dick. If you don’t understand irony, well than yes you deserve to go away.

  129. karen

    176 comments. Seriously. i’m guessing the last 3 summed it up basically.

    Arguing on the internets. How sisyphusian this thread has been.

  130. echoman2000

    south bend doesn’t have an airport. he has to fly in to chicago or indy. he’ll never make it to south bend. he’ll be arrested for “driving while black”. stupid motherfucker is heading for the heart of the john birch society. they don’t give a shit a bout dead babies. but they really really really hate the negro.

  131. cranky

    [re=310423]echoman2000[/re]: wait, what? are you responding to the original post? how quaint! you kids today. [wipes a tear]

  132. cranky

    ot: i’m watching perez hilton and some farm animal dumber than him have an argument. the sound is off, but it still hurts.

  133. DeLand DeLakes

    Ugh, somebody actually wants to talk about numbers in a fuckin’ Wonkette thread? Go do your little Bizarro World Nate Silver cosplay someplace else, gaywad.
    Now excuse me, I must sign off and enjoy my nightcap of Plan B pills and afterbirth.

  134. Mr Blifil

    [re=310411]NunnaTheSOBs[/re]: I would take you seriously were it not from the spent condom dangling from your nose.

  135. El Pinche

    [re=310411]NunnaTheSOBs[/re]: Hahaha, calm down, man. don’t have a heart attack blogging in your shit stained underwear.

  136. El Pinche

    im seriously thinking about changing my wonktard name to “Meet your Meat”

  137. animalmagnetism

    [re=310222]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: Oh, shit, well since Nunna the SOBs brought him up, I fucked Jesse Jackson, or ‘Lottsa Poppa’ as I knew him by then, in the Hyatt on Chicago Avenue. And his black mob, also.

  138. Aurelio

    And every time there stands vociferous in the crowd, the ambitious man of blood, Barack Obama. He is justifying the torture, forcing bystanders to aid in the atrocity, assuring that the nails are paid for and the henchmen of evil well fed and rewarded for their role in the daily crucifixion.

    Now that is some very strong shit! Alan has talent. It’s unfortunate that he also has a screw loose.

  139. lukewarm

    I think his basic premise is wrong, but if I believed that fetuses were actually babies, as he does, what he’s saying would be the sanest thing in the world. It’s the people who think that way and don’t do anything like this about it who are fucked up. (But they’re not babies, they’re little baby approximations that have nothing yet to do with what makes a person an actual person.)

  140. Adolf Bachmann

    Just like fellow black person & civil rights pioneer, Jr. Martin Luther Vandross King, MD [JFK?], his civil disobedience will go down in history once he writes his “Letter from a Notre Dame Fail.”

  141. Lascauxcaveman

    [re=310312]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: Taxes, schmaxes. Has anyone yet pointed out on this thread that the places with the highest taxes invariably have the highest standards of living?

    Pretty much every time.

    Scandinavia, the Netherlands, even fucking Canada.

    It’s practically a 1:1 correlation, folks. It’s the answer to any anti-tax tirade some numbtard throws your way.

    [re=310411]NunnaTheSOBs[/re]: Haha. And screw your grease-hauling buddies if that’s the way they want to spend their time. I could get rich sucking dicks (for example); I’d still expect I’d have to pay my taxes.

  142. sati demise

    [re=310455]lukewarm[/re]: but then they try to defend the zygote in a petri dish.
    Its too much, even to frozen cells that are going to be thrown away.
    zany.

  143. imissopus

    [re=310409]NunnaTheSOBs[/re]: Come back tomorrow! Thursdays are awesome: Custerwolf makes her special cinnamon-banana pancakes, hobospacejunkie whips up some mojitos, and shorts gives a very erudite lecture on irony and its effect on our political discourse. And then, finger-painting!

    Man, we’ve gotten some trolls to sputter on here in the past, but those last couple of posts of yours took the cake. I picture you storming away from your computer and kicking your dog while a bright blue vein pulses at your temple. Ha ha, your impending coronary is funny!

    And us libs are compassionate. Just not to dark-minded, bitter, hateful, spiteful unredeemable fucking shits like yourself. Those people some of us would happily force Rush Limbaugh to sit on, naked, after two hours in a sauna and a big meal. There is no future for you except ranting and raging while the world rejects your bullshit.

    Which is just a long-winded way of telling you to go eat a big fuckin’ bag of dicks, douchetwaddle. Also.

  144. Hey, I have an idea

    Dear 1960s black mob, Your ideas are intriguing to me. I wish to subscribe to your newsletter.

  145. glamourdammerung

    [re=310411]NunnaTheSOBs[/re]: “i got the confirmation that I WANTED”

    So you got the confirmation that if you start off calling people assholes, they tend to not be very nice to you. I would have figured most people could figure that one out without the random trolling.

  146. Bruno

    But is Nobama getting an honorary PhD from Notre Dame or has he been snubbed?

    If he gets one, those Saudi Royals are liable to strip him of his Muslinity.

  147. Boojum

    [re=310409]NunnaTheSOBs[/re]: I have more confirmation for you. Your greasy haired mom smells like my spunk, just like she told you after a fifth of vodka. I know, I know, it’s hard to hear that, but your hard-edged, cold-eyed focus on reality will get you through. Just keep remembering, she is an entrepreneur, making the money the oldest of old fashioned ways: Twenty dollars at a time, on her back.

    Also.

  148. teleken

    Yeah, we “get” the psychological tactic here, Pavlovian or associative conditioning or whatever. Something about Jesus. Oh god we’re so scared of abortion now! Before this we thought that the aborted fetus looked like a rainbow-striped bunny made of ice cream. (It kind of does!)

    How could I NOT register here after reading that. :)

  149. smartypants

    [re=310420]karen[/re]: I believe it’s ‘sisyphean’ when used as an adjective. As I tried to explain to Nunsuck or whatever it’s name is, that’s exactly why we come here–to push the rock UP and watch it roll down. It’s got a good beat and one can dance to it. Also, one can drink teh cheap vodka and get smartier.

    Earnest conversation about tax law–unless cloaked in pornography thankyou V#S– is not that rock.

    Plus teh sad little troll wouldn’t go away. Must’ve had homework to avoid.

  150. zhubajie

    [re=310150]Min[/re]: Indiana jails are harder to break out of than in John Dillinger’s day.

    Zhu Bajie

  151. bitchincamaro

    I’ve been away. Did you guys eat all the rainbow-striped bunny ice cream?

  152. shortsshortsshorts

    [re=310356]MzNicky[/re]: Librul weeeneee. Reel ‘mericanz ar goin’ GALT. NO SOUPE KITCHINS. JUST SELF-MAGIC.

  153. Gallowglass

    He’s still broken up about how Obama crushed him in that Senate race. This is petty, Alan, petty and sad.

  154. El Pinche

    [re=310493]Bruno[/re]: BOWbama was de-muslin’d on that last visit. Barry bowed but didn’t put out like dubya. The king didn’t even get any tongue.

  155. Tra

    Wow.

    Anyone else get the feeling no child on earth was ever so lucky to get kicked out of the family house as Keyes’ daughter?

  156. RightLies

    Apparently the only thing Mr. Keyes will not do is pay the bills from his failed campaign to become president of these United States.

  157. lawrenceofthedesert

    John Maynard must be rolling over in his urn (all those rotating ashes; Blingee would like). First his great-grandaughter Alicia decides to go into show business and make acne-stuff ads, then Alan stalks the President. Poor Johnny — he’s thinking, hasn’t the Keyes family been knocked around enough by those idiot U. of Chicago supply siders who turned out to be so wrong? (I mean, just this side of Laffer Curve wrong!) When is Gramps gonna get to relax in his urn and enjoy Eternity?

  158. lulzmonger

    I has a sad – I totally missed the troll with schizoid tendencies.

    Coming to Wonkette for serious discussion & compassion = trying to raise money for UNICEF at Halliburton HQ.

    I love love LOVE when a troll says “That’s it, now I’m going away – FOR EVAR!!!1!!” … & then comes back less than 10 minutes later. Even funnier when they do it twice! Guess having a 90-second-long conceptual universe will do that. “Ask your doctor if Ambien is right for you.”

  159. IonaTrailer

    [re=310423]echoman2000[/re]: If he drives through Benton Harbor he better carry heat. That town is so ghetto even Kentucky Fried Chicken pulled out.

  160. problemwithcaring

    I have always hated Nunna and always loved Jesse Jackson, so this thread was a win for me.

  161. Trespassers_Will

    I’m a resident of Elkhart County, Indiana; I’m practically next-door neighbors with Notre Dame.

    So Alan Keyes wants to fill the jail cells of South Bend? I’ve got news for him. The jail in St. Joseph County IN is pretty much full already, mostly with meth heads and meth dealers and meth cooks and a few kids who didn’t get the memo on meth and are still dealing in crack. Oh, the part about forgiving trespass? Well, a lot of the inmates are there for trespassing too, but it’s not likely they’re gonna be forgiven anytime soon. But come on anyway, Alan. I’m sure they’ll make room for you in jail. If they have to, they can let out some meth guys to make room for you and the gang. I hope so, cause the weekend’s coming up and I’d like to go on a meth run. You think my blog posts are gonna write themselves?

  162. LittlePinky82

    It looks like Keys is wanting to get Obama’s attention like with Steele. What is it with them two?

  163. dijetlo

    [re=310323]NunnaTheSOBs[/re]: Just make a joke about teh buttsecks, if you can work in trucknutz, that’s extra credit. It’s supposed to be funny but the people who run this site give you points for just trying,
    Political manifestos go here:

    http://open.salon.com

    This is where you upload shots of your ex-girlfriend with her ex-girlfriend
    http://myexgirlfriend.com

    and if your looking for some male companionship, you can try these people.
    http://gogop.com

    If that fails, you can always make a movie about your dick and put it on you-tube.

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